our case

Following up on an earlier statement, I would just like to clarify when I said mom unsigned.

I was not surprised at the report, nor was I particularly concerned.  Our case is still progressing and overall her parents have done little to nothing to get her back.  Dad's rights are terminated (though I still can't quite figure out how this works exactly in the foster care system...more in second).  Mom has made not attempt to resume visitation.  The social worker will continue to move forward with the termination hearings.

Regarding TPR...this is what I have experienced and what applies to foster care in our county/state:

• Termination of parental rights can happen either voluntarily (they sign) or involuntarily (they don't sign).  Involuntary TPR looks bad on the parent's record.
  
• In the case with Augie, neither parent wanted to sign...understandably.  They wanted him.  BUT they were not compliant with the changes they needed to make in their lives.  Our social worker filed for the termination hearing (for involuntary)  It was scheduled for Feb 28th.  After she finished her reports (a lengthy process from what I understand) - they signed, right before the termination hearing.  This made her reports unnecessary to the case as well as extended the process for us.
    
• After a parent signs, they have 30 days to revoke, or change their minds.  After the 30 day period, a confirmation of consent hearing is scheduled.  After that hearing there is an an additional 30 day waiting period.  If you are thinking what I am thinking....So, what does that mean?  Can they change their minds after the confirmation hearing??  I don't think so, but I am not exactly sure what that second waiting period is for. 

I was told by our last adoption worker that she has never seen a case passed to the adoption unit where the child then went back to live with his/her parents.  This does not account for relatives showing up during this period, however.

• After the termination hearings are all said and done and after the 30 day waiting period, THEN you can file petitions to adopt.  With Augie TPR was all said and done in May and we adopted him in July. 

Reading other foster blogs, I have learned that cases seem to be handled so differently from place to place. 

I have learned to love that my county does a great deal of research up front to identify a possible kinship resource.  In both the case of Augie and Catie, we had to wait out/overcome the biological aunt that wanted them.  The benefit of this process is that is largely handled upfront, rather than on the back end.  For example, we knew about the aunts in both cases and still choose to accept the placements.   If our kinship research department was not strong (or that was not a priority) these women could have popped up later and unexpectedly, causing a great deal of fear, delays or worse. 

And back to Catie.  We had our first visit with the adoption social worker.  She is young and the young ones tend to fill the space more with words that potentially get your hopes up.  I learned this after many hours of sitting with our last, very experienced adoption worker said very little and just enjoyed the coffee and kids.  Our new caseworker is in the process of scheduling TPR.  I believe they try to terminate on the same day.  Although one signed and one unsigned...so not sure how this happens (they are two different types of hearings).  If mom comes forward and signs again...stick another 30 day wait in here anywhere.

Social worker hopes to possibly schedule tpr hearing by the end of the year.  She said to keep in mind everyone is vacationing around this time for the holidays, so it may not happen before 2012.  BUT, if it does...we could potentially have an adoption by February!!  OKAY...let me just inject a bit of realism here....I have learned to never believe timelines from young social workers (mrs. experience rarely offered a timeline).  BUT it is sure easy to run with that idea in one's head! 

Catie is JUST.ON.THE.CUSP of crawling.  Maybe this week?  She gets on all fours and does that adorable wiggle all the time.  I love her!  Thanks to Veggie Tales playing frequently in our home, I am often singing Catie Manateee.... you are the one for me....sent from up above...you are the one I love (one I love). 

Ruffles!

I have never been known for setting fashion trends, but in the last two weeks (since I changed over my wardrobe for fall/winter) I have had an intense desire for feminine looking tops. 

I realized that every time I wear a top with ruffles, I am complemented.  My profile picture has a shirt I love (with ruffles). 

 On my anniversary, I wore a cute ruffled shirt.  I don't pull it too often because it has a poof that makes me look pg, but I have tucked into an adorable skirt with pockets and received 4 complements out on date night. 

I tried my theory again today with another cotton ruffle shirt, and yes...complement!

When facing down my closet full of formless or even tight fitting unfemininely shaped sweaters, I am dreaming of ruffles. 

Sure enough, go to my favorite store under blouses and there are lots of ruffles.  So, for the first time, I am pinning something into my style section of Pinterest that I have not copied from someone else's cute outfit. 

Thanks to Magnify the Lord and God's Plan for getting me thinking about fashion.  :)

Reflections from Adoration

Every October our parish hosts a month of adoration.  Today I had the great privilege to attend, thanks to the fantastic idea of a friend who suggested a kid-swap.  In this little chapel, I have prayed through many years of struggles.  Due to the blessing of my children, this is the first time I have been able to attend in a few years. 

I had a fantastic time of reflecting upon the goodness of the Lord.  As I was wrapping up my time, I felt the Lord calling me to Psalm 13.  In my bible it was entitled "Prayer in Time of Illness".  "Ummm, God?"  But I read through.

Psalm 13
I

2How long, LORD? Will you utterly forget me?

How long will you hide your face from me?^a

3How long must I carry sorrow in my soul,

grief in my heart day after day?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

II
4Look upon me, answer me, LORD, my God!
Give light to my eyes lest I sleep in death,
5Lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed,”
lest my foes rejoice at my downfall.^b

III
6But I trust in your faithfulness.
Grant my heart joy in your help,
That I may sing to the LORD,
"How good our God has been to me!"^c

* [Psalm 13] A typical lament, in which the psalmist feels forgotten by God (Ps 13:2–3)—note the force of the repetition of “How long.” The references to enemies may suggest some have wished evil on the psalmist. The heartfelt prayer (Ps 13:4–5) passes on a statement of trust (Ps 13:6a), intended to reinforce the prayer, and a vow to thank God when deliverance has come (Ps 13:6b).

At part III it started to make sense.  I reread it a couple of times and then my time in this little chapel made even more sense.   For so many years I felt forgotten by God.  I was carrying sorrow in my soul from the burden of Infertility.  That particular cross shook my faith to the core.  Through the years my husband and brother in law (a priest) would try to offer encouragement and words of inspiration.  I did not see the face of God in my suffering.  I was mad. 

I struggled, truly struggled through this.  I wanted to find God but WHY would He make the greatest desire of my heart to be a mother and then withhold from me that ability, that gift. 

My all time favorite verse, as I matured in my struggle, was from Genesis.  The story of Jacob wrestling with the angel.  If you have not read it, go!  It is from Genesis 32 verse 25-29.  The line...my life line: "But Jacob said, “I will not let you go until you bless me.”

Tonight we celebrated our anniversary with a lovely evening out.  I am SO blessed with my children and it is SO nice to have a night with out them with the man who started it all.

For me, it did take being blessed to truly speak that last verse.  I can look in reflection and pray "I trust in your faithfulness. Grant my heart joy in your help, That I may sing to the LORD,"How good our God has been to me!"

 

9 years ago

9 years ago I woke up from my last night of singleness.

In my journal I wrote:

"It is here!  Today I will be a bride - and I will walk down the aisle and share vows with Paul.  I am so excited and my heart is bursting as I write this.  Praise Jesus for the joy in my heart right now.  I can't even comprehend the enormity of this great covenant - yet my hope and trust are in the Lord who has brought me this far" 

My freshman year of college I gave up dating for lent.  Yes...I was a bit boy crazy and it was a perfectly legitimate sacrifice.  :)  One that ended up changing my life in a significant way.  As I offered that sacrifice to the Lord, I felt Him urging me to make a 3 year commitment to Him.  To give up dating for 3 years.  That same week, in my secular college bookstore, I stumbled upon this newly released book and about had a heart attack.  It was God's gift to me.

The next man I fell in love with was my husband, 5 years later. 

Those 5 years were my gift to God and to my future husband.  In the same way, my husband committed his heart to me years before we met.  God did write our love story.  What a glorious day!

I will save more wedding day reflections for anniversary #10.  At the prompting of Betty Beguiles I am going to share a bit about our honeymoon.

We choose Banff, Canada.  We had Canada in mind and one our my bridesmaids had chosen that as their location, two months before us.  We followed their recommendation.  It was gorgeous!   Hiking, horseback riding, views, glaciers.

And apart from the silly stories for our private memoirs....here are a few moments we will never forget:
- Our first night I wanted to start a fire in our fireplace at the hotel while my hubby was downstairs picking up a pizza. He came up and in the room as smoke was billowing out and our smoke detector was going off. I had forgotten to open the flue. Thank goodness our hotel was not evacuated.
-  Drinking hot chocolate spiked with peppermint schnapps and playing scrabble in front of the lobby fireplace
- Watching The Ring in the theater and then immediately dragging Paul (who was terribly hungry) back in the theater to watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding, again...to get the horror movie off my mind....we also had to switch hotels as a result of this move as we were in a cabin-like place at the time.
- Eating at the Grizzly House, our favorite by far. 
- Loving the hot springs, and then learning later that my husband made that ultimate sacrifice for me (he does not do hot)
- Dreaming about our future and our family...which couldn't come soon enough.  9 years later we are so truly blessed beyond our wildest dreams.

the reality

Lest I trick people into thinking foster care is easy, let me take a few minutes to share the reality.

First, mom revoked.  Essentially, this means she unsigned.  I am not sure if it is just in our state or just a foster care thing, but after signing TPR, parents have 30 days to change their minds.  Our social worker discussed this possibility with us.  I was prepared for the possibility. 

Foster care is hard.  Parents are not willingly giving up their children.  While there are in fact some completely horrific parents (abusers, for example), most parents love their children and just can not care for them (or care for themselves).  Putting myself in baby love's mother's shoes, I can see why she revoked.  She has a mother's heart.  I imagine most women would suffer deep agony in the process of letting go of their child.  Our social worker mentioned one mother she had who signed and revoked three separate times.  While our process would be quicker had she not revoked, I am also grateful to see that piece of her "mother's" heart.  She is attempting to change herself for the good of her child.  

Foster care is hard.  You don't want to see parents fail.  Being a foster parent is unique; Especially for the pre-adoptive foster parents (those seeking to adopt).  While you can not imagine letting go of the child you love, you are also witness to something very sad.  In many cases, you are witness to lives falling apart or people struggling who can not overcome their difficulties.  I remember with Augie's parents, I almost wanted to adopt them and teach them.  There are so many people in place through the system that are attempting to offer help, mentorship, etc.  Ultimately, changing is the decision of the parent and in my limited experience, I have yet to witness such a change.    

Foster care is hard.  Even fostering a newborn, you are fostering a child who was likely neglected in utero.  While I can venture to say most foster kids face major challenges (physically, mentally); Here I can only speak for my personal experience.  Augie's mom was taking medication that likely zapped her folic acid.  As a result, Augie has a minor MINOR form of spina bifida.  As a result, I learned the ins and outs of the children's hospital.  I was by his side as he went under anesthesia on two separate occasions for two separate MRIs.  We had early intervention appointments in our home for a year.

"Catie" (baby love) was born severely drug addicted.  As in the most drug addicted baby the hospital had ever witnessed.  She was in the hospital for the first four months of her life.  She spent the first six months fighting to overcome her forced addiction and still struggles as a result today.  She is not a fan of bottles, teething and little kids trying to hold her.  When she is upset she makes sure the neighborhood knows it.  Overall she is wonderful and I love her desperately.  Because of her I have learned the ins and outs of a second children's hospital and we have resumed weekly therapy sessions for early intervention.

Foster care is hard.  There is no such thing as predictable.  I have said multiple times, the only predictable part of fostering is it is unpredictable.  We fell in love with Catie in May.  She was not available, then she was available.  Then not available, then available.  Over and over and over again.  Her case was SO back and forth it was ridiculous.  She came to live with us officially on August 3rd.  At the end of August we had a two hour court session before a week long wait for a verdict.  I am grateful that the judge ruled that she should remain with us.  After all that, at any time someone else could pop up.  Something in the case could drastically change.  You have to learn to roll with the punches.  I am pretty sure I know the direction this case will go (as with Augie).  I truly feel that God wanted her to be a part of our lives.  For how long, I don't know...but I am optimistic.

BUT, Foster Care is a Blessing!  When I was in the throes of infertility, we were also struggling to get our fiances under control.  We had not met Dave Ramsey soon enough and were battling credit card debt, student loans, home equity loan, etc etc etc.  I had NO idea how we would ever EVER afford adoption.  I remember struggling to wrap my brain around the idea of why I had to have 20k to become a mom.  I didn't get foster care then.  We were afraid of the unknown.  It was all in God's perfect plan for us.  Rosie was meant to be our introduction into parenthood.  All that prepared us for welcoming Augie and Catie via foster care. 

I could go on and on about the blessings.  For so many years I longed for a child.  I cried for a child.  It seemed impossible.  On this side, I see so many children.  I was in the waiting room at children & youth on Tuesday.  I watched as a beautiful little girl (probably about 6) sat nervously with a woman, clearly not mom or foster mom.  I watched as a social worker explained she would need to think of who she wanted to live with.  "I want to live with my mom" she said.  I watched as the social worker explained that "mommy needs to get better and you need to think of what kind of foster family you would like."  Previous to that conversation, we were exchanging smiles as she was watching the adorable baby on my lap (everyone watches my adorable baby).  After seeing that conversation, I literally wanted to jump up, grab her, hug her and tell her I am a foster mom.  I wanted to ask if she wanted to come live with us!  Reality got the best of me.  Timing is SOOOO not right.  I have seen so many beautiful kids and want so much to just love them all. 

I wish I could be the one to start pairing these kids up with my hurting friends.  I know so many fantastic couples/families.  I wish I could just cut through the red tape and start matching.  I would not be the one to honor the expectations of what the waiting couples were looking for.  Instead, I would be knocking on their door with kid adorable, baby needs a home, the little girl who needs a family to stay with.  Becoming a foster mother, I have learned to ask not for what I want but for who needs me the most.

I don't know how but I also trust that God is able to use my experiences to open the door for someone else to try fostering.  I was blessed to follow on the coat tails of one friend.  I hope others will follow on ours.

unrecognizable reflection

Have you ever been shocked by your reflection?

I was shocked on Sunday.  That happened as my family was walking into Mass on Sunday morning and saw our reflection in the glass doors.

It is one thing to be mama to this family....to be inside and living the everyday.  It was completely shocking to see what everyone else sees when they look at us.  Family of five with back to back babies.

I relived this experience on Tuesday when I took my daughter to ballet class.  I had taken her twice previously, leaving the babies at home.  Tuesday, I brought the babies.  As I walked in, I can't even begin to tell you the looks I received.  It actually makes me laugh.  I can't even describe the feeling of being infertile and looking uberfertile. I caved and explained to the two women that Augie was flirting with that I was a foster mom.  I am not quite sure why I felt the need to offer a disclaimer, but I did.

I remember having Augie as a baby and the feeling of being satisfied with our family size.  My hands were full.  My hands are full again.  Five years ago I had no idea if we would be blessed with the gift of parenthood.  Today, we are blessed!

I have been busy on the name hunt and finally dragged hubby into the search.  As of tonight I have my top pick.  Hopefully we can confirm within the next week or two.  :)  If all goes well with the TPR, I hope to announce sometime next month.

they signed

Today I brought Baby Love in for her normally scheduled visit with bio parents.  When I waked in, they walked out (did not see me).  I saw my social worker and asked "what is going on?!"  She mouthed "they signed." 
WHAT??? 

I was blindsided.  I know dad has talked about it...or I should say has threatened it.  I had no idea mom was on the cusp as well.  It may not be until December that everything goes through (not quite sure why...waiting on a court date??) but if we get through the next 30 days, we will be well on our way to a second adoption.

Mom and Dad were very uncooperative, refusing to even provide pictures of themselves or BL's half-sibs for BL in the future.  It breaks my heart for her.  All I can do is look at my sweet sweet girl and love her and pray over her.

I remember the day Augie's parent's signed.  It was as if he was a little more mine that day.  We were prepared for the long transition into becoming BL's parents.  Suddenly...she is much closer to being ours.  I called Paul and said "we have to start thinking of a name!"

This case is so tough.  How will I explain to her why Augie has visits with his bios while she does not?  How will I fill this void in her life?  In the words of a friend...I am going to begin to pray out the spirit of rejection. 


Given the circumstances and the parents attitudes...I just keep thinking...how incredibly miraculous it is that she is here.  I have done my share of sidewalk counseling and her parents could have very easily made the choice to abort her.  For the fact they choose life, I will be eternally grateful.  I pray for them and I pray that somehow they realize that they just did an amazing thing. 

Feast of the Exaltation of the Cross

And being found in human form he humbled himself and became obedient unto death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2, 8-11)

 For all those still dealing with the cross and suffering of infertility...I am praying for you today. 

Home School, 3 days in

Today was day 3 of my homeschooling career (pre-school).  I was super resistant, especially in light of the placement of baby love.  I had not prepared much at all (with the exception of thinking about decorating a home school room).  The day before my planned start date I sat down at the computer and spent an hour looking through resources, including more decorating ideas.  <--- self admittedly, this is my biggest draw to home school right now.

Day 1

Here we go!

After three days, I must admit, I enjoy this dedicated time!  For Rosie, right now school is mostly about role playing.  She loves to play the part of the student (including wearing a back pack and school shoes) and she loves to call me "hey teacher".  Our goal is mild, one hour, three days a week.  We do lunch, put the babes to bed and come downstairs. 

In our hour, we start with the Lords Prayer, say the Pledge of Allegiance, spend time reading a bible story, talking about a virtue or the saint of the day; move into handwriting/letter recognition and close with an activity/song or story. 

Based on a recommendation, I am using ideas from Handwriting without Tears for the teaching order and multi-sensory learning ideas (letters out of play dough, in chalk and today...shaving cream).  I love printables from Homeschool Creations and I have pulled some faith study ideas from Lisa Hendey.

Feast of the Holy Name of Mary

    

Ave Maria!

Today, my ideas were pulled from Shower of Roses.  Since we did not have school on Mary's birthday, we made a big deal out of today's feast...Holy Name of Mary.  It was wonderful.  I notice that after our homeschool hour Rosie is extra snuggly and loving.  She loves the time together as much as me. 

Crowning Mary..with flowers from our garden

While the jury is certainly out on how long this will last, for now...we enjoy our time playing school. 

more thoughts on open adoption

Fostering to adoption, by it's nature, is significantly more "open" than most adoptions (kinship aside).  At least, that has been our experience.

From day one, we know the situation with the family (in other words...we know their dirt).  During visits, there is time to see biological family for drop off and pick up.  Interaction is hoped for and encouraged.

In our first round of fostering, my relationship with Augie's parents grew and developed over time.  While there were uncomfortable moments, we grew to like one another.  During TPR, my husband and I took bio mom out for coffee, presented her with a gift and opened up about our family (just enough so she would understand the kind of life her son would have).  Since then, I have felt pulled towards a greater level of contact (than our agreed upon twice a year updates, once a year visits).  I spoke with her by phone recently, just to say "hello". 

In THIS situation, with baby love, it was looking like the judge may mandate visitation.  She did not.  She did, however, talk at length about Act 101.  You can read more about that here.  It is essentially a binding agreement about visitation.  After multiple discussions during our first adoption, we choose not to sign this as we still want to make decisions we feel are in the best interest of our child (if his parents went off the deep end, for example). 

It was very clear from listening to this "pro-bio family" judge, that the tide is turning in the adoption scene.  We have been grateful to have the time to allow our hearts to warm to the idea of open adoption.  I am grateful for a good relationship with Augie's bios to set the stage.  That said.  If we are so blessed to keep baby love, I do not see an ongoing relationship with the bio parents going as well.  So here, I am grateful that the aunt will remain in the picture for baby love to maintain a connection to her bio family. 

To close, I had a play date this morning with another foster mom.  I am so sad (for her) that she did not have the same guidance about boundaries as I received.  She mentioned it is almost a bio-parent "free for all" and discussed struggling with the impact of visitation on her children.  I urged her to set boundaries. 

Open adoption and ongoing visitation.  It is an issue that we have struggled with from the beginning.  What is right for the children?  I don't know.  But I am glad that the days of adoption secrets are behind us.

and the verdict....

Baby love is staying put!!  

I can't believe I haven't updated the blog yet.  We got the call as we were driving to our vacay weekend on Thursday.  I love that I can update FB from my cell.  I haven't figured out how to update the blog this way yet.

The judge entered the verdict.  It is in baby loves best interest to stay put with our family.  No visitation was mandated.

PRAISE THE LORD!!!

This is such a relief.  I have been trying to write a blog on open adoption that shall get published eventually.  For now, it is just us and baby love.  Literally.  The last two weeks of family visits have been cancelled by BL's bio parents.   

So, I am looking to the fall and scrambling to make adjustments to be full time mama to 3.  I had a tricky evening last night trying to bring the kiddos out in public by myself.  Praise God for Augie's guardian angel because I can not keep him safe on my own! 

A friend on another forum mentioned "it is raining babies at your house."  This phrase is echoing through my head.  It indeed feels this way.  I am truly truly blessed! 

all i know

All I know is that God has brought us in this little girl's life to fight like hell for her.  When I first fell in love with her sweet face and called our social worker, I had no idea what I was signing up for.  That said, I would not trade this position for anything.  I am happy to fight.

We arrived to the courthouse fifteen minutes early.  Our social worker saw us and pulled us aside "we need to talk."  "We need to put you on the stand."  Well, I am glad we dressed nicely, though I would have traded out my fancy flip flops for a nicer shoe.  We were asked to testify about our relationship with her, how much we love her, how we understand her health risks and are willing to be a part of her life long term.  After several rounds of testimony, including my own, the judge asked the lawyers to join her out of the court room.  Everyone came back in.  "Please Rise."  The judge explained that she is unable to make the decision today and said she would need a "long while" to mull over this case.

"Mrs BHB" (me) she said (the caseworker leans back and said "stand up").  "When you express your willingness to have an open relationship with the family, what does that look like to you?  How often would you have contact?"

Having not thought this through nor discussed with my husband I replied "I could see visitation happening at least monthly, depending on how everything is going."

"And do you see yourselves being involved with them to celebrate holidays and birthdays?  What might that look like?"

"Our families are out of state and we often travel for the holidays, but I am willing to have visits around those times or certainly share birthdays."

This judge seriously SERIOUSLY values OPEN family relationships and went on and on and ON about the importance of close contact with the family.  I felt that she essentially wanted us to adopt them and them to adopt us.  She discussed new laws and how the times are changing and how family relationships are SO important to maintain. 

Then she looked at the aunt.  This aunt who has basically said she wants all or nothing.  She is the caretaker/adoptive mother of this child or she does not want contact.  The judge asked her, begged her really, to reconsider.  She tried to empathize with the emotional aspect and difficulties of this situation.  She said she feels that it would be best for baby love to remain in our care and maintain a close relationship with her aunt.  This would be "the best of both worlds." 

She explained that she would need time to think and would enter her verdict some time next week.  As we all left the court room, you could cut the tension with a knife.  I held the door open as the family exited.  I saw baby love playing with my husband across the room.  The only one who came to say hello to BL was bio-mom.  Then the barrage of "family" left to continue conversation with the lawyer.  Our social workers made sure we got on the elevator.  The doors closed.  And that was that. 

All in all, I have now offered far more testimony in the case of baby love, then in the case of Augie (where I said maybe 10 emotional words at his adoption hearing). 

We continue to wait...and pray. 

pray for us

So...if you are not a foster parent...let me just clue you in on something I have learned.  The only thing predictable is foster care is unpredictable! 

Tomorrow is our second round of unnerving, nail biting, could-go-either-way-will-we-see-this-baby-again court.  The first, we were not actually present during.  Tomorrow, I will have my husband by my side. 

I spoke with our case worker to inquire that if the aunt does in fact get custody, how soon would we handing baby love over.  I received further encouragement, mixed with an extra batch of complication.  Complication first.  Per the supervisor, transition would entail visits becoming longer, progressing to overnights, etc, etc, etc.  Basically, if the judge says yes to the kinship family, we will likely continue to be involved with baby love's life for some time before her transition.  What is the encouragement, you ask?  Well, bio aunt refused to cooperate with the recommendations of the visit coordinator and said "if this is going to be my last visit, I want it to be a good one." 

Court starts at 10.30am EST.  Please pray this is quick and easy (two words that never apply to foster care, but I can hope) and for our strength.  THANK YOU!!

hump day

What a week this is turning out to be.  We are scheduled fairly tightly.  As a matter of fact, I have about 30 minutes to sit down here before our next appointment, then dinner and off to teach an Into Session tonight. 

Quick Update - Monday went well.  I took baby love for her doctor's visit and sat in the waiting room with BA (bio aunt) and BU (bio uncle) for enough time to break the ice.  While waiting in the doctor's office, I had a chance to bring up Friday, mention that we are praying for God's will and express that we would not hinder a kinship relationship if BL remains with us. 

Meanwhile, BL has decided to give up eating all together.  I finally realized last night she is teething.  Which translates to not sleeping in addition to not eating.  Desperate, I actually fed her formula + oatmeal through a syringe last night.  Today was mommy helpers, family visit, meet with child profile SW...throw 3 babies in bed and hope they sleep before 4.15pm therapist appointment.

Tomorrow is...what I will just lovingly refer to as "hell day".  Thursday's seem to be that way for BL.  It is 6 hours of visits where she does not sleep or eat.  I get to deal with the repercussions. 

And then...well...then there is Friday.  Friday August 26th.  Court is scheduled in two sessions, late morning and late afternoon (should more time be needed).  I am dragging my husband with me for moral and emotional support. 

I was reassured by another foster mom who is certain she will remain with us.  I wish I could be so positive.  Counting down.  Two days to go.

preparing a talk

We have decided to pray for Padre Pio's intercession for the cause of Baby Love.  We are praying the same novena he prayed nightly while interceding for those who asked for his prayers.  Our fervent prayer is "God's will be done."  I love how the bottom of this novena begs prayers from St Joseph, foster father of Jesus. 

Today, while cleaning, I got to the bottom of a pile and suddenly, this little prayer book falls to the floor in front of me.  My mother picked it up for us last year and I had forgotten all about it.  At the same time, I saw a prayer card to St Gianna.  Blog followers know she plays a part in this story as well.  It is great to know these fantastic saints have our back!

Today is one week until court.

Visit drop offs with Bio Aunt have been a little stressful.  We don't have much of a report.  I fear she is caught up in an "us against them" mentality.   I am sure, if our places were reversed, I would possibly feel the same way.  I am contemplating "the talk".  It feels a little early to do so.  I would love to pour out my heart and tell her how much we love and adore this little girl.  But, I know it is better to leave that unsaid this early.  I am hoping for the grace and opportunity to reassure her that IF baby love remains with us, we will allow the aunt/niece relationship to continue.  I am hoping such reassurance might put our relationship on a better path.

the little girl with four mamas

(and four dads for that matter).

The other day when I was picking up baby love from her visit, her BA (bio aunt) kissed her good bye and said "mama loves you."  It was at that moment I realized, this sweet angel girl has four mamas.  While it is sweet she is and has been loved on by so many families, enough is enough.

So we have:
#1. Bio Mom and Bio Dad
#2. Bio Aunt and Bio Uncle
#3. Foster Mom and Foster Dad #1  (recently out of her life)
#4. Foster Mom and Foster Dad #2 (us)

Add to that the first several months of her life were in the NICU.  I am sure many of those nurses loved on her as if she was theirs.

Oh...and before I forget, Rosie often is petitioning that she BLs mama.  This one I will let slide, because I am constantly talking her out of this idea.


This poor sweet girl has had more change in her eight months.  In ten days we should know.  We are counting down.  That means tomorrow is Novena day 1.  We continue to pray, God's Will be Done! 

our timelines collide

While we became foster parents, your parents were becoming better acquainted

While we were becoming acquainted with our foster son, you were conceived

While we celebrated Holy Week, you began to grow in your mother's womb

and about the same time, we were presented with an adoption opportunity...but it wasn't right for us...that little girl was meant for friends....as we prayed about her...you were nestling warm in your mother's womb, your tiny beating heart, God knew then we would hold you one day

While our case was transferring to the adoption unit, your mother was entering her third trimester

While we were celebrating a first birthday, you were preparing for birth

the day you were born, we were just steps away at a doctor's appointment

While we were completing our adoption home study, you were fighting with the new world around you

While we were counting the days until Termination of Parental Rights was finalized, you were leaving the hospital for the first time

as our case moved closer to finalization, God drew you closer to us

While I prayed for intercession to St Gianna, you were right around the corner

7 days later I saw your beautiful smile for the first time and fell in love

While I was calling our social worker about you, your foster mom was calling the same social worker about us

While we waiting anxiously for an adoption date, we began learning to care for you

Then we learned that you would be going to live with your relatives...and then we learned you were not

While we were waiting, you continued to find your way back into our home

While we were waiting, your foster sibling got sick and your foster mom needed you to stay with us

When we found out we had an adoption date, we also found out your aunt was going to fight for you

Moments before we were standing outside the court room preparing to adopt our son, I was dropping you off for a visit and meeting your parents for the first time

Moments after we officially became a family of four, I was picking you up and going to our adoption party as a family of five

As we were leaving for vacation, we said goodbye, unsure you would be in our life again

As we were returning from vacation, we were nervously waiting news from the judge...and the verdict

You became our second placement that same day

And now, we wait.

In two weeks we should know if you will remain in our lives a bit longer

While we are waiting, we will pray

"I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience"
"..I will serve you, ...I will worship, ...I will not fail, ...I'll be running the race, even while I wait."
"I am peaceful, though it's not easy, faithfully I will wait"

exhausted

This is not the first time we have had sweet baby love, but this is the first time it is official.  That combined with returning from vacation (including having a wrecked house) plus end/beginning of new cycle.  I am exhausted.  And SOOOO blessed! 

Tonight we brought the family to mass at a retreat center.  There was one other well behaved child.  Then there were our kids.  I felt like a complete mess passing children back and forth and trying to scold our poorly behaved (almost) 4 year old.  I was not the picture perfect Catholic mom with pleasant children.  I was one of those moms. 

I thought I was ready for this.  I have to remember that family transition is not easy.  Clean clothes and clean house are not my priorities.  (I am typing this out as a visual note to myself).  As I write I can see that this is really Satan feeding me thoughts of doubt, self pity, lack of parenting skills, etc. 

Next week will be my first full week of visit drop off/pick ups.  She has a pretty big list of visits.  Two four hour visits and two one and a half hour visits.  This is more than Blaise had.  How on earth foster mom #1 kept up with this is beyond me. 

The good news, I honestly think she is the best behaved of my 3.  She is such an easy baby.  We splurged last week on pictures and a nice baby book (heralding her official entrance to our family). 

While I try to speculate the "what if's"; I think it wise just to enjoy our time together.  I can't imagine her transferring though I have to be emotionally prepared for that possibility.  Three more weeks until our next hurdle (court on 8/26).  I take consolation in the knowledge that God has brought her into our lives for a reason.  Everything has been miraculously and systematically orchestrated by His hand. 

and the verdict is...

we have a new placement!!  I brought our sleepy little girl home tonight, about 5 minutes after we came home from vacation.  My apologizes to baby love, who had to ride in a poopy seat to get back here.  :)

And, so, before you get your hopes up, the only verdict was that she was to be moved to our home.  The verdict regarding the kinship situation was continued to the end of August.  Basically, she is still in the picture, for now.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  I should know more tomorrow.

Thank you to all who have prayed!!  Time to adjust our schedule so I can be a full time mamma to three!

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things

1st Corinthians 13:7 is the verse echoing in my head today.  "(Love) bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Last month, when we knew baby love's BA (biological aunt) would be fighting for her, we made the decision to continue our relationship with her, no matter the cost.  Since then our weekend visits have progressed to week long visits.  We have had the joy of having baby love in our home for 15 our of the 31 days this month.  At the same time, BA, made the decision to discontinue her visits with BL.   A dear friend on an infertility board pointed out that I am the true mother in this case.  While humbled and grateful for her words, I am even more grateful to have this baby to love.

She truly is the sweetest thing.  A couple things I have learned; she is most content when being held, sleeps best when sleeping next to me (naps included), is content even when she is not meeting her sleep quota.  She is adored by all our family.  Even Augie, 19 months old, loves to shower her with kisses and love.  I also know she (and we) have had enough of this back and forth thing.  It is difficult to co-parent when the other parents are in a different house with a different schedule. 

August 3rd is court.  Today will either be the last day we see her or the last day we have to pass her back to her other foster family.  Tomorrow we leave for vacation and will return on the 3rd.  We will return to good news or heart breaking news.  As I reflected on this point this morning at breakfast, Paul commented that he was grateful to have the opportunity to love her as much as we have.

Please join us in praying that God's will be done for this sweet girl and that August 3rd brings some consistency to her life.