all i know

All I know is that God has brought us in this little girl's life to fight like hell for her.  When I first fell in love with her sweet face and called our social worker, I had no idea what I was signing up for.  That said, I would not trade this position for anything.  I am happy to fight.

We arrived to the courthouse fifteen minutes early.  Our social worker saw us and pulled us aside "we need to talk."  "We need to put you on the stand."  Well, I am glad we dressed nicely, though I would have traded out my fancy flip flops for a nicer shoe.  We were asked to testify about our relationship with her, how much we love her, how we understand her health risks and are willing to be a part of her life long term.  After several rounds of testimony, including my own, the judge asked the lawyers to join her out of the court room.  Everyone came back in.  "Please Rise."  The judge explained that she is unable to make the decision today and said she would need a "long while" to mull over this case.

"Mrs BHB" (me) she said (the caseworker leans back and said "stand up").  "When you express your willingness to have an open relationship with the family, what does that look like to you?  How often would you have contact?"

Having not thought this through nor discussed with my husband I replied "I could see visitation happening at least monthly, depending on how everything is going."

"And do you see yourselves being involved with them to celebrate holidays and birthdays?  What might that look like?"

"Our families are out of state and we often travel for the holidays, but I am willing to have visits around those times or certainly share birthdays."

This judge seriously SERIOUSLY values OPEN family relationships and went on and on and ON about the importance of close contact with the family.  I felt that she essentially wanted us to adopt them and them to adopt us.  She discussed new laws and how the times are changing and how family relationships are SO important to maintain. 

Then she looked at the aunt.  This aunt who has basically said she wants all or nothing.  She is the caretaker/adoptive mother of this child or she does not want contact.  The judge asked her, begged her really, to reconsider.  She tried to empathize with the emotional aspect and difficulties of this situation.  She said she feels that it would be best for baby love to remain in our care and maintain a close relationship with her aunt.  This would be "the best of both worlds." 

She explained that she would need time to think and would enter her verdict some time next week.  As we all left the court room, you could cut the tension with a knife.  I held the door open as the family exited.  I saw baby love playing with my husband across the room.  The only one who came to say hello to BL was bio-mom.  Then the barrage of "family" left to continue conversation with the lawyer.  Our social workers made sure we got on the elevator.  The doors closed.  And that was that. 

All in all, I have now offered far more testimony in the case of baby love, then in the case of Augie (where I said maybe 10 emotional words at his adoption hearing). 

We continue to wait...and pray. 

pray for us

So...if you are not a foster parent...let me just clue you in on something I have learned.  The only thing predictable is foster care is unpredictable! 

Tomorrow is our second round of unnerving, nail biting, could-go-either-way-will-we-see-this-baby-again court.  The first, we were not actually present during.  Tomorrow, I will have my husband by my side. 

I spoke with our case worker to inquire that if the aunt does in fact get custody, how soon would we handing baby love over.  I received further encouragement, mixed with an extra batch of complication.  Complication first.  Per the supervisor, transition would entail visits becoming longer, progressing to overnights, etc, etc, etc.  Basically, if the judge says yes to the kinship family, we will likely continue to be involved with baby love's life for some time before her transition.  What is the encouragement, you ask?  Well, bio aunt refused to cooperate with the recommendations of the visit coordinator and said "if this is going to be my last visit, I want it to be a good one." 

Court starts at 10.30am EST.  Please pray this is quick and easy (two words that never apply to foster care, but I can hope) and for our strength.  THANK YOU!!

hump day

What a week this is turning out to be.  We are scheduled fairly tightly.  As a matter of fact, I have about 30 minutes to sit down here before our next appointment, then dinner and off to teach an Into Session tonight. 

Quick Update - Monday went well.  I took baby love for her doctor's visit and sat in the waiting room with BA (bio aunt) and BU (bio uncle) for enough time to break the ice.  While waiting in the doctor's office, I had a chance to bring up Friday, mention that we are praying for God's will and express that we would not hinder a kinship relationship if BL remains with us. 

Meanwhile, BL has decided to give up eating all together.  I finally realized last night she is teething.  Which translates to not sleeping in addition to not eating.  Desperate, I actually fed her formula + oatmeal through a syringe last night.  Today was mommy helpers, family visit, meet with child profile SW...throw 3 babies in bed and hope they sleep before 4.15pm therapist appointment.

Tomorrow is...what I will just lovingly refer to as "hell day".  Thursday's seem to be that way for BL.  It is 6 hours of visits where she does not sleep or eat.  I get to deal with the repercussions. 

And then...well...then there is Friday.  Friday August 26th.  Court is scheduled in two sessions, late morning and late afternoon (should more time be needed).  I am dragging my husband with me for moral and emotional support. 

I was reassured by another foster mom who is certain she will remain with us.  I wish I could be so positive.  Counting down.  Two days to go.

preparing a talk

We have decided to pray for Padre Pio's intercession for the cause of Baby Love.  We are praying the same novena he prayed nightly while interceding for those who asked for his prayers.  Our fervent prayer is "God's will be done."  I love how the bottom of this novena begs prayers from St Joseph, foster father of Jesus. 

Today, while cleaning, I got to the bottom of a pile and suddenly, this little prayer book falls to the floor in front of me.  My mother picked it up for us last year and I had forgotten all about it.  At the same time, I saw a prayer card to St Gianna.  Blog followers know she plays a part in this story as well.  It is great to know these fantastic saints have our back!

Today is one week until court.

Visit drop offs with Bio Aunt have been a little stressful.  We don't have much of a report.  I fear she is caught up in an "us against them" mentality.   I am sure, if our places were reversed, I would possibly feel the same way.  I am contemplating "the talk".  It feels a little early to do so.  I would love to pour out my heart and tell her how much we love and adore this little girl.  But, I know it is better to leave that unsaid this early.  I am hoping for the grace and opportunity to reassure her that IF baby love remains with us, we will allow the aunt/niece relationship to continue.  I am hoping such reassurance might put our relationship on a better path.

the little girl with four mamas

(and four dads for that matter).

The other day when I was picking up baby love from her visit, her BA (bio aunt) kissed her good bye and said "mama loves you."  It was at that moment I realized, this sweet angel girl has four mamas.  While it is sweet she is and has been loved on by so many families, enough is enough.

So we have:
#1. Bio Mom and Bio Dad
#2. Bio Aunt and Bio Uncle
#3. Foster Mom and Foster Dad #1  (recently out of her life)
#4. Foster Mom and Foster Dad #2 (us)

Add to that the first several months of her life were in the NICU.  I am sure many of those nurses loved on her as if she was theirs.

Oh...and before I forget, Rosie often is petitioning that she BLs mama.  This one I will let slide, because I am constantly talking her out of this idea.


This poor sweet girl has had more change in her eight months.  In ten days we should know.  We are counting down.  That means tomorrow is Novena day 1.  We continue to pray, God's Will be Done! 

our timelines collide

While we became foster parents, your parents were becoming better acquainted

While we were becoming acquainted with our foster son, you were conceived

While we celebrated Holy Week, you began to grow in your mother's womb

and about the same time, we were presented with an adoption opportunity...but it wasn't right for us...that little girl was meant for friends....as we prayed about her...you were nestling warm in your mother's womb, your tiny beating heart, God knew then we would hold you one day

While our case was transferring to the adoption unit, your mother was entering her third trimester

While we were celebrating a first birthday, you were preparing for birth

the day you were born, we were just steps away at a doctor's appointment

While we were completing our adoption home study, you were fighting with the new world around you

While we were counting the days until Termination of Parental Rights was finalized, you were leaving the hospital for the first time

as our case moved closer to finalization, God drew you closer to us

While I prayed for intercession to St Gianna, you were right around the corner

7 days later I saw your beautiful smile for the first time and fell in love

While I was calling our social worker about you, your foster mom was calling the same social worker about us

While we waiting anxiously for an adoption date, we began learning to care for you

Then we learned that you would be going to live with your relatives...and then we learned you were not

While we were waiting, you continued to find your way back into our home

While we were waiting, your foster sibling got sick and your foster mom needed you to stay with us

When we found out we had an adoption date, we also found out your aunt was going to fight for you

Moments before we were standing outside the court room preparing to adopt our son, I was dropping you off for a visit and meeting your parents for the first time

Moments after we officially became a family of four, I was picking you up and going to our adoption party as a family of five

As we were leaving for vacation, we said goodbye, unsure you would be in our life again

As we were returning from vacation, we were nervously waiting news from the judge...and the verdict

You became our second placement that same day

And now, we wait.

In two weeks we should know if you will remain in our lives a bit longer

While we are waiting, we will pray

"I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience"
"..I will serve you, ...I will worship, ...I will not fail, ...I'll be running the race, even while I wait."
"I am peaceful, though it's not easy, faithfully I will wait"

exhausted

This is not the first time we have had sweet baby love, but this is the first time it is official.  That combined with returning from vacation (including having a wrecked house) plus end/beginning of new cycle.  I am exhausted.  And SOOOO blessed! 

Tonight we brought the family to mass at a retreat center.  There was one other well behaved child.  Then there were our kids.  I felt like a complete mess passing children back and forth and trying to scold our poorly behaved (almost) 4 year old.  I was not the picture perfect Catholic mom with pleasant children.  I was one of those moms. 

I thought I was ready for this.  I have to remember that family transition is not easy.  Clean clothes and clean house are not my priorities.  (I am typing this out as a visual note to myself).  As I write I can see that this is really Satan feeding me thoughts of doubt, self pity, lack of parenting skills, etc. 

Next week will be my first full week of visit drop off/pick ups.  She has a pretty big list of visits.  Two four hour visits and two one and a half hour visits.  This is more than Blaise had.  How on earth foster mom #1 kept up with this is beyond me. 

The good news, I honestly think she is the best behaved of my 3.  She is such an easy baby.  We splurged last week on pictures and a nice baby book (heralding her official entrance to our family). 

While I try to speculate the "what if's"; I think it wise just to enjoy our time together.  I can't imagine her transferring though I have to be emotionally prepared for that possibility.  Three more weeks until our next hurdle (court on 8/26).  I take consolation in the knowledge that God has brought her into our lives for a reason.  Everything has been miraculously and systematically orchestrated by His hand. 

and the verdict is...

we have a new placement!!  I brought our sleepy little girl home tonight, about 5 minutes after we came home from vacation.  My apologizes to baby love, who had to ride in a poopy seat to get back here.  :)

And, so, before you get your hopes up, the only verdict was that she was to be moved to our home.  The verdict regarding the kinship situation was continued to the end of August.  Basically, she is still in the picture, for now.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  I should know more tomorrow.

Thank you to all who have prayed!!  Time to adjust our schedule so I can be a full time mamma to three!