infertile...still & again

After posting every day of October, I have logged all of 3 posts for November.  Sorry!  :)

Short story...

Miracles are still happening in my life and the anger, though present, has been manageable.  I had my first session with a therapist and he was amazing.  If I can figure out how to finance him...I hope to continue to work with him (more on therapy in a future post). 

Long Story...

One of the issues that came up in our discussion was dealing with infertility.  It occurred to me that I have dealt with many of the bigger issues from my past, but I have never dealt with infertility.  I am convinced it left a big deep wound in me...and especially in my relationship with the Lord.  

With the blessing of children, that wound received a massive sized band aid.  But it was never treated.  It has certainly not healed. 

Perhaps that is the reason why this time is hurting again.  We have been married 10 years.  In all those years we have never tried to avoid pregnancy.  Nine beautiful months I had the joy of experiencing life in my womb (and a few months of natural infertility).  So, essentially, I have had 9 years of unnatural infertility. 

My last 5 years have been filled with the joy of children and the blessings of adoption.  My life has been filled and I did not notice the infertility. At some points I was afraid of ever being open again.  "With all this stress, how on earth could I ever do this again??"  As the kids grow, so does my openness.  But infertile openness & infertile trying are different.  

As a Fertility Care Practitioner I understand that often behavior changes before expressed intention.  For example, a fertile couple may start to use fertile days, or become more lax, before they officially declare they want to try to conceive.  

I have been targeting fertility for longer than I have expressed my openness.  But I fear/dread/loathe the idea of infertile trying.  And I can't do foster care now. That requires it's own openness.  I am not there yet.  

As happy events occur around me, I realize I am still and again..infertile.  And that this...is something that I need to deal with.  

steeped in motherhood

When I had my daughter after 5 years of infertility, motherhood was sheer bliss.  It was incredible!  I was sleep deprived and it was challenging - but I WAS A MOM!  I had given birth to a precious teeny little angel.  I was the source of comfort, nutrition...love.  I carried her in a sling.  I used beautiful new cloth diapers.  I nursed on demand.  I co-slept.  Attachment parenting to the fullest! 

And then my beautiful, teeny angel became a toddler. 

She was very loud.  She did not love to sleep.  She pulled out all the toilet paper, spilled out all the dog food and wrote all over herself...daily.  At one point she even added a LARGE family portrait to her bedroom wall in marker.  One of her many graffiti art projects.  All the while, she was so precious and, though challenging, we wanted to add to our family more than ever.

 After secondary infertility, we were so blessed to become parents again through foster care. 

Augie came in with a bang.  He was sick.  He took out our whole family for the first month.  As a foster mom the bonding came slowly.  We were not permitted to co-sleep.  Slowly, those not so new cloth diapers were more of an inconvenience when dropping him off for family visits.  My hands were full.  I was content and for the first time ever in my married life, I was not actively seeking to conceive. 

After another year, I had another toddler on my hands.  This one particularly loved to eat dirt.  Also coal, stink bugs and dog food. 

And slowly my desire for motherhood again grew stronger.  I refused to get a family picture because it seemed a spot in our family was missing.  Rosie was praying for a sister.  My heart was open to another child.  And with that, Catie arrived.

Catie can scream like nobody's business.  Same as before, no co sleeping.  By now cloth diapers are lucky to be used as rags once in awhile.  Graffiti is a regular part of our home decor.  And sadly, cry it out is often all we can manage.  By bedtime, i am done. 

With her recent adoption, following Augie's 2011 adoption, my hands and my heart are overflowing.  Six years ago, I would not believe this could possibly be my future.  I am so blessed.  It is helpful for me to take a minute, sit back and see this.

"I know that God won't give me more than I can handle"

And God trusts me quite a bit.  Rosie is 4, Augie is 2, Catie is 1.  All that suffice to say the glow of new motherhood has worn off and I am now fully steeped in motherhood. 

When Augie reached that lovely age of toddler, I felt the strong need to address my PMS.  I added an anti-anxiety med and for awhile that seemed to take the edge off my mood swings.  Well, meds like that add a host of other troubles.  For example, NEVER try to just stop taking them.

After time, that little blue pill wasn't helping.   It was increasingly difficult to respond calmly to a stressful child situation.  One of my New Year's resolutions was to stop spanking.  I am against spanking for so many reasons.  IF (and I don't believe there is) a legitimately good reason for spanking, I was not using those reasons.  I was spanking because I was angry.

Recently I stopped by the Padre Pio Shrine to thank him for interceding and bringing Catie into our family.  I had two kids in the car and really only stopped because I was driving by.  I did not enter a building.  I simply pulled up to this statue, said thank you and touched the stigmata in his statue hand. 

Before my car even got back to the main road, I was sobbing.  Suddenly, the state of my soul was apparent and I had an immense need for confession NOW.  As I continued the drive to see family I was crying an ugly, purgative cry.  Fortunately, I know a few priests and I was blessed to find a confessor and attend adoration...while my family visited with the kids.  Confession is the big opportunity for reset, as my confessor encouraged. 

So now, I am struggling through this.  My greatest hope and prayer is to love my kids with a positive, affirming kind of love.  It has been a good week...but PMS is looming (side note, I am free of the little blue pill (yay!) and working with a NaPro MD on a more natural PMS treatment) I put this out there because I need to.  Accountability?  Prayers?  Yes.  The reality of my parenting is not as beautiful as a blog always seems to indicate.  And so I pray.

Padre Pio, please help!  Help me and all the mothers who struggle to be patient and kind in the midst of stress.  Help us to find the grace necessary to walk away.  Help us to build up our children and not tear them down. 

One of my favorite prayers and the one I am praying for this intention.

The Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen

To the Mother of Only One Child

This article by Simcha Fisher is spreading across facebook like wildfire.  It is very clear women relate so well. 

There are so many ways you can go with reflections on this.  The world of infertility, secondary infertility, why some women feel they can't handle more than one child.  I will just file it under "reasons to consider becoming a foster parent."

The other morning my husband and I sat at the table and enjoyed coffee while we watched our children playing together in the kitchen.  Siblings are a tremendous gift.  Without foster care, our daughter would still be an only child.  Now she has a little brother (aka her groom and her prince) and a little sister (aka the other princess or her little baby). 

Being a mom is hard.  In so many ways, being a mom to one is harder. 

oh what I would give for a mustard seed of faith

Do I believe in God?  Yes!
Do I believe that God loves me, cares for me?  Yes.
Do I believe He has plans for my welfare?  ummmm....
Do I believe that God is extravagant in His blessings?  I would really love believe that.  It sounds so beautiful.

Me, of little faith, mustered what I had to celebrate St Gianna's feast day at her shrine.  I placed her glove on my abdomen and prayed with faith for her assistance.  I have known so many blessings who have come directly after contact with her relics.  Two cycles of opportunity have come and gone with no miracle conception.

Around the same time we prayed a double novena; our lady undoer of knots and divine mercy.  So far, no response to our petitions for those novenas.  Just crickets.  And struggles.

A few months back I thought I could possibly have another foster babe in my arms and potentially a miracle conception.  My husband tries to remind me that some times God answers "not yet".  I have to remind my self continually that others stories' are theirs, not mine.  We look so often to how God has blessed others for our own hope.  But His plan is so unique and perfect to us.

Secondary IF is much less dramatic than the first go around.  I am SO grateful for my blessings.  I recognize God has appeared.  He HAS answered prayers.  He HAS listened.  But my faith is still weak.  Forever battered by the waves of primary infertility.  I am much quicker to say "well...no one was listening to THAT novena."  Much quicker to give up.

I see this summer as a turning point.  I hope for it to be.  We need for it to be.

Am I being called back into employment?  Are more kids around the corner?  Only God knows.  We are just waiting over here for revelation.

80 months

So I was thinking recently...and doing a little math. I estimate that I have spent approximately 80 months of my life trying to achieve pregnancy. If I had the fertility of a Duggar, I could probably have about 6 kids by now. Granted not all 80 months were spent "TRYING" - but there was not a month we were not open to conception.

Secondary infertility is nothing compared to the pain of primary infertility. I am eternally grateful that God has given us our beautiful daughter and now called us to be foster parents. My heart does still ache, however, to hear updates on fertile growing families and wish we had their fertility. God gave us this life, this cross. I am not crazy about it, but it is mine and I would not trade it.

From my cross comes my mission and I have been blessed to help others carry their crosses this past year. I consider running the infertility retreat a gift. I am speaking more about NaPro and lately, more doors are opening towards our mission in our diocese. I pray that my witness continues to lead others towards answers and blessings in their own lives. I was thrilled last week when I received in the mail the birth announcement for my first infertility client miracle baby.

On another note, I have been reading more infertility blogs and signed up recently to be a part of a summer secret prayer partner group. I am grateful for my assignment, my call to holiness...and someone out there...I will be praying for you!

Homestudy Rescheduled

So, the last couple days have been a bit of a slump, as in nothing is going on in our process of moving closer to fostering. I know this will resolve soon and I am sure the next couple of months will be gone in a flash. For now, we are just waiting.

The night before our almost homestudy, Paul and I had a wonderful talk about fostering. What will our lives be like with another child in the house? How will H react? Paul tossed around the ways he can be more present at home (while I assured him how much the 2nd job is needed right now). We are back in that "how do you prepare for the unknown" phase. At least, having had an infant a few short years ago, we are good on the gear and basic necessities.

The monthly financial commitment to fertility medications is starting to become a little much. So we face the prospect of letting go of that journey for a bit. To be honest, I am always quick to volunteer shedding the shots and pills. It is disappointing that the birth of our first child did not miraculously resolve our infertility, as many first births often do. However, we trust in God's greater plan. As of now, the difference from our first adoption attempt, is if we are so blessed to conceive in the process of fostering, we won't be forced to quit the process.

Next week we start training classes. Two weeks from that, we will prepare for the home visit again. I was blessed to speak to someone yesterday who adopted three before miraculously conceiving two. They are a beautiful family and adoption advocates. She lifted my spirits by sharing stories of several friends blessed by the foster to adopt program. My prayer is 6 to 12 months from now I will be looking back at the beginning of the year and seeing how much has changed.

what lies ahead

First, Merry Christmas!! We are so grateful to have Paul's family up from FL and have had a lovely, relaxing visit. I wish all a wonderful Christmas season!

Infertility round 2. I can't say this was unexpected. Yet that fact does not make it easier. We long to grow our family and month after month we face the reality of our infertility. We are fast approaching 6 months past our surgery date. It does not take long for me to grow weary or pills and shots and blood work and consults.

Fortunately, our previous adoption experience has make it significantly easier to fast track back into the process. This time, we are choosing the foster to adopt program. In reality...we are choosing foster care (with the hope of adoption as an end goal). We have submitted our application. Our initial interview is in January and soon thereafter we hope to begin the 5 week course of training.

It is a little scary and a lot of unknown. I am re-entering the blogging world for the same reason I created the blog in the first place...to keep family and friends updated in our hopes to expand our family. Please keep us in your prayers.

NaPro Surgery #3

Just a quick update,
surgery lasted 4.5 hours. Grade 2 endo, adhesions, some kind of stem thing?? He removed 95% of it. Recovery lasted 4 more hours than I was expecting (5 total hours) and they didn't do as good a job managing my anesthesia nausea - that I warned them about.

Dr Stegman is amazing. As a surgeon, I adore him. He prayed with me a quite extensive prayer before surgery, entrusting me to Mary, praying for St Gerard's intercession. Very moving. I also asked/begged him to please get whatever you can get as I don't think I could do the laparotomy again. I am grateful he did because it would be shear misery waking up after a 20 min surgery again.

Dr Hilgers had put a gortex sheath on my uterus which didn't stay in place to do it's job. Therefore I have a crumpled piece of gortex that remains around the bottom of my uterus (Dr S couln't do anything laprascopically about it).

Recovery is much rougher than I was expecting. I am so grateful for friends that have stepped in (with no warning) to watch H and provide meals. I was not anticipating being "under the knife" again so soon (3 years). I will try to provide more thoughts at a future (non drug induced) blog. :)

Is anyone still reading?? :)

I am sorry my blogging has slowed down quite dramatically. As H grows (and no thanks to face book) my updates have been very infrequent.

So here is an update:
H is a big girl in training! She has been using her little potty quite successfully for the last two weeks. We started by eliminating pants and diapers a few weeks ago (a benefit of having hardwood floors). She figured it out pretty quickly and especially loves her m&m reward. We have started to incorporate big girl panties and pull ups...and the last couple days she is doing really well staying dry! I love the decrease in diaper laundry. It is great!

In the pursuit of #2....we have surgery scheduled in two weeks. This will be my 4th (but 1st in round 2). Secondary infertility stinks. I was amazed how fast all the infertility feelings flooded back. BUT, having H in our lives is an INCREDIBLE blessing. While I go up and down on the IF roller coaster (again) knowing we have H makes everything a little bit easier.

St Gerard, St Gianna, John Paul II - pray for us!

Camping Time Again!

With a gorgeous weekend forecast, we jumped town and went camping.
It was wonderful. Except for the lack of sleep the first night. And the lack of nap the second day. You can see, though, we sufficiently tuckered H out for the second night. :) (and naps for the rest of the week...see evidence under the library book). We also got to attempt kite flying. Of course the wind didn't show up until we were leaving.

H is growing and changing so much, still. She continues to keep us in stitches. She loves to give kisses European style (back and forth from cheek to cheek). She is getting very good at potty training her baby doll (including singing the potty song to her) - while she still does not have much interest in learning herself. We are trying to learn some Disney characters for our summer trip. So far it is Winny the "poop" or Winny "pee-uuuuu." She also loves to use that sound in reference to her own diapers (learned from mama). She still loves to help empty the dishwasher and tells us "thank chew" as she hands us silverware. If I am not paying attention "mamma, mamma, thank chew." She is learning new words all the time, but it still can be quite difficult interpreting. My favorite thing is to listen to her sing the alphabet with me. She picks up lots of letters and is just adorable singing.

We discovered that H is not the fulfillment of our desire for children...but a taste of just how sweet it is to be parents. We long for more of this goodness...and while we wait, we savor our amazing little gift.