mid week quick takes (aka late takes)

Mid week last week I wanted to blog...but decided to wait until Friday.  Then Friday came along and my inspiration had evaporated.  New inspiration has found its way back, so with that, here are my late-takes.

1. It is 12.19pm and I am sitting at my kitchen table.  My house is silent, except for the whirl of a lawnmower outside.  I am go grateful for Uncle K (our resident priest/brother/brother-in-law) who comes to save the day on his day off.  He took the kids out to the park and out for lunch.  I am so grateful for his vocation and the ways that it helps my vocation.

2.  Speaking of Uncle/Fr K...he arrived just in time to bless our first ever Mary garden!  I had been search for the perfect Mary for years.  The painted ones were never quite right.  The concrete ones were always so expensive.  I found this Mary at a Catholic bookstore.  She is heavy duty plastic, but you add concrete inside to weigh her down.  In front of her is a JPII rose bush in progress.  Our first one died and my mom lovingly cultivated and brought be a new clipping/bush.  I hope it likes it's new home better than the last one.

3. Timber Update.  We had the ultrasound.  It is a beautiful healthy baby!  We had the doctor write the gender down in an envelope to be revealed around DH & my birthday (end of June/beginning of July).  We hope to have a cake baked by someone who will make it blue or pink for us.  I am looking forward to finding out the news as a family (though we have a hunch).
Yesterday marked week 22.  I still can't believe the miracle that is this little life.  The doctor did our u/s and provided us with this face-on view (head on top, big belly on bottom)

4. Taking Kids to Mass.
This topic came up at a recent Marriage renewal program we are involved with.  The question was asked, by a deacon in training,  if he should say something to a woman with regularly misbehaving children who distracts him at daily Mass.  I didn't realize how emotional attached I am to the topic.  It is a tough subject and there is room for education on all fronts.  I believe I shared this articWhy we need kids at Mass."  It is excellent for the average person in the pew who may be irritated by the kids around them.  He then shared this article, "How to take young children to Mass" which is also excellent information for the parent.  We do try to utilize many of these techniques.  Ultimately, there is always room for education.  The idea of personally saying something to a particular woman or family makes me nervous.  One other mom suggested his approach be something like "do you need help?"  Proactive rather than reactive is a much better choice.


le before, "

5. If you missed my blog in the Mother to Mother series on discipline, here it is: Starting from Scratch.

6. My blessings on Mother's Day.

And a beautiful "letter to my pastor" on the topic of hurting women at Mass.  I loved this and shared it with a few priests.  One incorporated the prayer into his homily and was thanked by an infertile woman after the Mass.

7. If you have not yet been introduced to the musical goodness of Sarah Kroger, than please, let me introduce you!  My BFF is the youth minister at the Church she grew up.  While visiting, bff asked Sarah to play for us.  Sarah is incredibly talented and writes beautiful music.  Her second album will be no exception.  Check her out and if you are inspired, help fund her new project at SarahKroger.Com.

6.

infertile...still & again

After posting every day of October, I have logged all of 3 posts for November.  Sorry!  :)

Short story...

Miracles are still happening in my life and the anger, though present, has been manageable.  I had my first session with a therapist and he was amazing.  If I can figure out how to finance him...I hope to continue to work with him (more on therapy in a future post). 

Long Story...

One of the issues that came up in our discussion was dealing with infertility.  It occurred to me that I have dealt with many of the bigger issues from my past, but I have never dealt with infertility.  I am convinced it left a big deep wound in me...and especially in my relationship with the Lord.  

With the blessing of children, that wound received a massive sized band aid.  But it was never treated.  It has certainly not healed. 

Perhaps that is the reason why this time is hurting again.  We have been married 10 years.  In all those years we have never tried to avoid pregnancy.  Nine beautiful months I had the joy of experiencing life in my womb (and a few months of natural infertility).  So, essentially, I have had 9 years of unnatural infertility. 

My last 5 years have been filled with the joy of children and the blessings of adoption.  My life has been filled and I did not notice the infertility. At some points I was afraid of ever being open again.  "With all this stress, how on earth could I ever do this again??"  As the kids grow, so does my openness.  But infertile openness & infertile trying are different.  

As a Fertility Care Practitioner I understand that often behavior changes before expressed intention.  For example, a fertile couple may start to use fertile days, or become more lax, before they officially declare they want to try to conceive.  

I have been targeting fertility for longer than I have expressed my openness.  But I fear/dread/loathe the idea of infertile trying.  And I can't do foster care now. That requires it's own openness.  I am not there yet.  

As happy events occur around me, I realize I am still and again..infertile.  And that this...is something that I need to deal with.  

steeped in motherhood

When I had my daughter after 5 years of infertility, motherhood was sheer bliss.  It was incredible!  I was sleep deprived and it was challenging - but I WAS A MOM!  I had given birth to a precious teeny little angel.  I was the source of comfort, nutrition...love.  I carried her in a sling.  I used beautiful new cloth diapers.  I nursed on demand.  I co-slept.  Attachment parenting to the fullest! 

And then my beautiful, teeny angel became a toddler. 

She was very loud.  She did not love to sleep.  She pulled out all the toilet paper, spilled out all the dog food and wrote all over herself...daily.  At one point she even added a LARGE family portrait to her bedroom wall in marker.  One of her many graffiti art projects.  All the while, she was so precious and, though challenging, we wanted to add to our family more than ever.

 After secondary infertility, we were so blessed to become parents again through foster care. 

Augie came in with a bang.  He was sick.  He took out our whole family for the first month.  As a foster mom the bonding came slowly.  We were not permitted to co-sleep.  Slowly, those not so new cloth diapers were more of an inconvenience when dropping him off for family visits.  My hands were full.  I was content and for the first time ever in my married life, I was not actively seeking to conceive. 

After another year, I had another toddler on my hands.  This one particularly loved to eat dirt.  Also coal, stink bugs and dog food. 

And slowly my desire for motherhood again grew stronger.  I refused to get a family picture because it seemed a spot in our family was missing.  Rosie was praying for a sister.  My heart was open to another child.  And with that, Catie arrived.

Catie can scream like nobody's business.  Same as before, no co sleeping.  By now cloth diapers are lucky to be used as rags once in awhile.  Graffiti is a regular part of our home decor.  And sadly, cry it out is often all we can manage.  By bedtime, i am done. 

With her recent adoption, following Augie's 2011 adoption, my hands and my heart are overflowing.  Six years ago, I would not believe this could possibly be my future.  I am so blessed.  It is helpful for me to take a minute, sit back and see this.

"I know that God won't give me more than I can handle"

And God trusts me quite a bit.  Rosie is 4, Augie is 2, Catie is 1.  All that suffice to say the glow of new motherhood has worn off and I am now fully steeped in motherhood. 

When Augie reached that lovely age of toddler, I felt the strong need to address my PMS.  I added an anti-anxiety med and for awhile that seemed to take the edge off my mood swings.  Well, meds like that add a host of other troubles.  For example, NEVER try to just stop taking them.

After time, that little blue pill wasn't helping.   It was increasingly difficult to respond calmly to a stressful child situation.  One of my New Year's resolutions was to stop spanking.  I am against spanking for so many reasons.  IF (and I don't believe there is) a legitimately good reason for spanking, I was not using those reasons.  I was spanking because I was angry.

Recently I stopped by the Padre Pio Shrine to thank him for interceding and bringing Catie into our family.  I had two kids in the car and really only stopped because I was driving by.  I did not enter a building.  I simply pulled up to this statue, said thank you and touched the stigmata in his statue hand. 

Before my car even got back to the main road, I was sobbing.  Suddenly, the state of my soul was apparent and I had an immense need for confession NOW.  As I continued the drive to see family I was crying an ugly, purgative cry.  Fortunately, I know a few priests and I was blessed to find a confessor and attend adoration...while my family visited with the kids.  Confession is the big opportunity for reset, as my confessor encouraged. 

So now, I am struggling through this.  My greatest hope and prayer is to love my kids with a positive, affirming kind of love.  It has been a good week...but PMS is looming (side note, I am free of the little blue pill (yay!) and working with a NaPro MD on a more natural PMS treatment) I put this out there because I need to.  Accountability?  Prayers?  Yes.  The reality of my parenting is not as beautiful as a blog always seems to indicate.  And so I pray.

Padre Pio, please help!  Help me and all the mothers who struggle to be patient and kind in the midst of stress.  Help us to find the grace necessary to walk away.  Help us to build up our children and not tear them down. 

One of my favorite prayers and the one I am praying for this intention.

The Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen

Infertility Support, free webinar

Ave Maria Press is hosting a free webinar for those who may be interested in helping their parish or Diocese offer support for couples struggling with infertility. 

To the Mother of Only One Child

This article by Simcha Fisher is spreading across facebook like wildfire.  It is very clear women relate so well. 

There are so many ways you can go with reflections on this.  The world of infertility, secondary infertility, why some women feel they can't handle more than one child.  I will just file it under "reasons to consider becoming a foster parent."

The other morning my husband and I sat at the table and enjoyed coffee while we watched our children playing together in the kitchen.  Siblings are a tremendous gift.  Without foster care, our daughter would still be an only child.  Now she has a little brother (aka her groom and her prince) and a little sister (aka the other princess or her little baby). 

Being a mom is hard.  In so many ways, being a mom to one is harder. 

the miracle of conception

Before I send anyone into a state of shock, this is not an announcement on my behalf.  This is a post that has been in my head a few days now.

October will mark 10 years married for my husband and I.  Not once in this time frame have we attempted to avoid or prevent conception in any form.  In all those years only one glorious, wonderful day our marital union resulted in conception; 5 years ago...almost to this day.  As we shared our news, it floored our family.   Everyone was waiting for the announcement that we had our first placement from our adoption agency.  It still floors me.

The miracle of conception.  The MIRACLE, the MAGNITUDE was not lost on us.  EACH conception changes the world forever.  In the audio letter from Michelle Duggar to the daughter she recently miscarried, Michelle states " Its an awesome thought to me that you fulfilled your life's purpose in such a short time."  I love that Jubilee was her 21st conceived child and she holds her in such esteem.



Certainly, not every conception happens in the most ideal of circumstances.  As a parent, I FULLY understand the challenges of raising just one child.  For the teenager that conceives out of wedlock, the drug addict that conceives with unknown partner, or even the haggard mother of many children, conceiving may not be perceived as miraculous.  BUT, God has allowed sperm and egg to come together and HE has stamped His image and likeness into an immortal soul.  This incredible, miraculous instant, that some couples may never experience first hand, changes the world forever.

As an adoptive mama, I am blessed by two beautiful miracles, conceived in difficult circumstances.  Although I am not the one who conceived them, I am the one who excitedly dreams about their future and in what ways they may change the world.  Two nights ago I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" for the first time. I recommend it (but you MUST watch from start to finish, no sort of watching).  As a  worn out mother of young children (thank you Jesus), I am not often given the opportunity to reflect on the miracle of my own conception, my own life.  But it is a good thing to do.

Last year I posted a music video by the most inspirational song writer with regards to adoption.  Click the songs tab at the top and you will see that Stephen Curtis Chapman has three of my four posted songs.  If you need a refresher, watch the music video for Meant to Be. If you are having a difficult year, or a difficult holiday season....reflect on these things.  What has the miracle of your conception meant to the world? 

And if you are considering foster care, or adoption...go to CBS and watch "A Home for the Holidays" and consider how you can be a miracle in another life.

the reality

Lest I trick people into thinking foster care is easy, let me take a few minutes to share the reality.

First, mom revoked.  Essentially, this means she unsigned.  I am not sure if it is just in our state or just a foster care thing, but after signing TPR, parents have 30 days to change their minds.  Our social worker discussed this possibility with us.  I was prepared for the possibility. 

Foster care is hard.  Parents are not willingly giving up their children.  While there are in fact some completely horrific parents (abusers, for example), most parents love their children and just can not care for them (or care for themselves).  Putting myself in baby love's mother's shoes, I can see why she revoked.  She has a mother's heart.  I imagine most women would suffer deep agony in the process of letting go of their child.  Our social worker mentioned one mother she had who signed and revoked three separate times.  While our process would be quicker had she not revoked, I am also grateful to see that piece of her "mother's" heart.  She is attempting to change herself for the good of her child.  

Foster care is hard.  You don't want to see parents fail.  Being a foster parent is unique; Especially for the pre-adoptive foster parents (those seeking to adopt).  While you can not imagine letting go of the child you love, you are also witness to something very sad.  In many cases, you are witness to lives falling apart or people struggling who can not overcome their difficulties.  I remember with Augie's parents, I almost wanted to adopt them and teach them.  There are so many people in place through the system that are attempting to offer help, mentorship, etc.  Ultimately, changing is the decision of the parent and in my limited experience, I have yet to witness such a change.    

Foster care is hard.  Even fostering a newborn, you are fostering a child who was likely neglected in utero.  While I can venture to say most foster kids face major challenges (physically, mentally); Here I can only speak for my personal experience.  Augie's mom was taking medication that likely zapped her folic acid.  As a result, Augie has a minor MINOR form of spina bifida.  As a result, I learned the ins and outs of the children's hospital.  I was by his side as he went under anesthesia on two separate occasions for two separate MRIs.  We had early intervention appointments in our home for a year.

"Catie" (baby love) was born severely drug addicted.  As in the most drug addicted baby the hospital had ever witnessed.  She was in the hospital for the first four months of her life.  She spent the first six months fighting to overcome her forced addiction and still struggles as a result today.  She is not a fan of bottles, teething and little kids trying to hold her.  When she is upset she makes sure the neighborhood knows it.  Overall she is wonderful and I love her desperately.  Because of her I have learned the ins and outs of a second children's hospital and we have resumed weekly therapy sessions for early intervention.

Foster care is hard.  There is no such thing as predictable.  I have said multiple times, the only predictable part of fostering is it is unpredictable.  We fell in love with Catie in May.  She was not available, then she was available.  Then not available, then available.  Over and over and over again.  Her case was SO back and forth it was ridiculous.  She came to live with us officially on August 3rd.  At the end of August we had a two hour court session before a week long wait for a verdict.  I am grateful that the judge ruled that she should remain with us.  After all that, at any time someone else could pop up.  Something in the case could drastically change.  You have to learn to roll with the punches.  I am pretty sure I know the direction this case will go (as with Augie).  I truly feel that God wanted her to be a part of our lives.  For how long, I don't know...but I am optimistic.

BUT, Foster Care is a Blessing!  When I was in the throes of infertility, we were also struggling to get our fiances under control.  We had not met Dave Ramsey soon enough and were battling credit card debt, student loans, home equity loan, etc etc etc.  I had NO idea how we would ever EVER afford adoption.  I remember struggling to wrap my brain around the idea of why I had to have 20k to become a mom.  I didn't get foster care then.  We were afraid of the unknown.  It was all in God's perfect plan for us.  Rosie was meant to be our introduction into parenthood.  All that prepared us for welcoming Augie and Catie via foster care. 

I could go on and on about the blessings.  For so many years I longed for a child.  I cried for a child.  It seemed impossible.  On this side, I see so many children.  I was in the waiting room at children & youth on Tuesday.  I watched as a beautiful little girl (probably about 6) sat nervously with a woman, clearly not mom or foster mom.  I watched as a social worker explained she would need to think of who she wanted to live with.  "I want to live with my mom" she said.  I watched as the social worker explained that "mommy needs to get better and you need to think of what kind of foster family you would like."  Previous to that conversation, we were exchanging smiles as she was watching the adorable baby on my lap (everyone watches my adorable baby).  After seeing that conversation, I literally wanted to jump up, grab her, hug her and tell her I am a foster mom.  I wanted to ask if she wanted to come live with us!  Reality got the best of me.  Timing is SOOOO not right.  I have seen so many beautiful kids and want so much to just love them all. 

I wish I could be the one to start pairing these kids up with my hurting friends.  I know so many fantastic couples/families.  I wish I could just cut through the red tape and start matching.  I would not be the one to honor the expectations of what the waiting couples were looking for.  Instead, I would be knocking on their door with kid adorable, baby needs a home, the little girl who needs a family to stay with.  Becoming a foster mother, I have learned to ask not for what I want but for who needs me the most.

I don't know how but I also trust that God is able to use my experiences to open the door for someone else to try fostering.  I was blessed to follow on the coat tails of one friend.  I hope others will follow on ours.

unrecognizable reflection

Have you ever been shocked by your reflection?

I was shocked on Sunday.  That happened as my family was walking into Mass on Sunday morning and saw our reflection in the glass doors.

It is one thing to be mama to this family....to be inside and living the everyday.  It was completely shocking to see what everyone else sees when they look at us.  Family of five with back to back babies.

I relived this experience on Tuesday when I took my daughter to ballet class.  I had taken her twice previously, leaving the babies at home.  Tuesday, I brought the babies.  As I walked in, I can't even begin to tell you the looks I received.  It actually makes me laugh.  I can't even describe the feeling of being infertile and looking uberfertile. I caved and explained to the two women that Augie was flirting with that I was a foster mom.  I am not quite sure why I felt the need to offer a disclaimer, but I did.

I remember having Augie as a baby and the feeling of being satisfied with our family size.  My hands were full.  My hands are full again.  Five years ago I had no idea if we would be blessed with the gift of parenthood.  Today, we are blessed!

I have been busy on the name hunt and finally dragged hubby into the search.  As of tonight I have my top pick.  Hopefully we can confirm within the next week or two.  :)  If all goes well with the TPR, I hope to announce sometime next month.

1000 reasons why I love and adore being a Fertility Care Practioner

Okay, so I know I won't list them all in this post, but there are easily that many reasons I am so blessed to have been called to this ministry.

First, for those that may be unfamiliar, Fertility Care is a system of charting your naturally occurring signs (i.e. cervical mucus) and biomarkers to determine times of fertility and infertility.  I teach women to chart and interpret these signs.  The best thing is that Physicians trained in NaPro Technology can READ A WOMAN'S CHART and use it to WORK WITH HER CYCLE.  This is phenomenal.  In our culture, physicians treat fertility as if it were a disease and infertility as a opportunity to play God.  God has given us the ability to read and interpret a woman's cycles and when a doctor can utilize that information, they can treat PMS, post postpartum depression, infertility, frequent miscarriage, and on and on.  They allow God to be God and the couple to achieve pregnancy naturally.  Testing and treatment is two to three times more effective than artificial reproductive options.

So, I am about to write an essay about 1000 reasons why I love NaPro Technology.  I will sum those 1000 reasons into one.  My daughter.  Rosie is the miracle that God blessed us with thanks to the help of NaPro Technology (she is pictured on the top of this website with Dr Hilgers).  My experiences with NaPro Technology paved the way to my path towards becoming an FCP.

This is my fifth year of blessing other couples with the gift of understanding their fertility.  I teach teenage girls with painful or irregular cycles through to pre-menopausal women seeking help with PMS.  I teach single women, engaged couples, married couples.  I walk with couples through their first pregnancy, through struggles with frequent miscarriages or infertility.  I teach friends.  I teach strangers.  I teach people that live down the road and people that live across the country (skype!).

By far, the most rewarding part of my work is teaching couples about SPICE.  SPICE stands for Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Creative/Communicative and Emotional needs of your spouse.  I am not a marriage counselor but I have the opportunity to challenge couples to grow in their love and understanding of one another.  I am able to turn couples towards one another and get them talking.  When necessary, I refer to counselors or priests.  I listen to their hopes and dreams; their fears and frustrations.  I walk with them through the struggles and challenges of using a natural system.  I help them process the fears of achieving pregnancy and encourage them through the despair of bareness.

They are coming off the pill for reasons of faith or to avoid side effects (they all have side effects from the pill!).  They are coming from the IVF doctor, looking for another chance at conception.  They are coming from every faith and no faith.  All the while, I am connecting with them and teaching them about God (whether they know it or not).  I am reiterating their wedding vows and teaching the truths as taught in Theology of the Body.  

I never aspired to this work.  God paved the way.  He wants to bless these couples and I have the opportunity to help Him do that. 

My greatest hope is that more doctors embrace the gift of Creighton & NaPro Technology.  I have asked it a thousand times, my clients ask it again and again...."why don't more doctors know this?".  I probably refer 75% (or more) of my clients for NaPro care.  Dr Stegman and Dr Hilgers both work with couples from around the country (and around the world). 

I remember at one point my mother was concerned that I was going to a "Catholic" doctor for my infertility.  She has come around.  It saddens me that this is a stigma.  As it turns out, a physician with a relationship with God that is willing to follow the teachings of the Church is able to be an instrument for God.  And we all know that all blessings, miracles, gifts and graces ultimately come through Him.  He is the ultimate healer.



This said, while not every couple will conceive, there is so much more to Creighton and NaPro than "an opportunity to conceive".  So many infertility bloggers so gracefully reflect on this again and again.  My heart aches for these couples.  God has a special place in His heart for you.  God does hear your prayers.  God does know your pain.  God loves you more than you know. 


PS- 
If you feel like you might be interested in pursing FCP or Medical Consultant training, I would be happy to offer direction or answer questions.  You can look for training near you on this site.

St Colette of Corbie, Patron Saint for Childless Couples

A few years back a retired Bishop of our diocese passed on a little pamphlet to my husband and I.  It was about St Colette of Corbie and she was listed as a patron for childless couples.  I had never heard of her and was intrigued to know of another intercessor.  I had already begged St Gianna and St Gerard for years.

I was just reminded that her feast day was yesterday, Feb 7th.  As many may not know of her, I am sharing this secret! 

She intercedes for childless couples because her mother was 60 years old when she gave birth to Collette. 

She has also been attributed to resurrection miracles, in particular, stillborn babies. 


The Dedication Prayer of Saint Colette

O Blessed Jesus,
I dedicate myself to You
in health, in illness,
in my life, in my death,
in all my desires, in all my deeds.
So that,
I may never work henceforth
except for Your glory,
for the salvation of souls,
and for that which
You have chosen me.
From this moment on, dearest Lord,
there is nothing
which I am not prepared
to undertake for love of You.

For all my sisters in Christ who have yet to be blessed with the gift of parenthood, I am praying for you!!!  St Colette of Corbie, Pray for us! 

Thank God for Infertility

Last night I had an annual mandatory foster parent meeting. The foster parents of my county filled a small auditorium (I would say there was a couple hundred).

After the meeting I had a chance to talk with someone who received her first placement, a 2 year old boy and 4 year old girl, a month after we received SBR. We talked for awhile and I was thinking of the two other families I know that foster-adopted from my county. As we were commiserating...I realized we all go through the exact same thoughts, same fears....I started to reflect. In my reflection I have to thank God for infertility.

If it were not for our infertility (I speculate that is a common link between us), these 6 children would not be a part of our families. Certainly, not all foster parents deal or have dealt with infertility...but a good number of us do. A good number of us are doing this to build our families. Even though the goal is reunification, and we know this, we are desperately hoping to keep our kids.

My baby needed me to need him. So many kids need parents to open their hearts, their homes and "RISK IT" for them. Is it terrifying? Yes! Rest assured, there are many of us are in the exact same boat.

I am so glad I finally got a chance to catch up with this mom. She had two biological and 6 months ago got the most adorable sibling group. Some people are a bit more nervous in demeanor...I think she is one. I don't know if it is that our case is different, that we are in the adoption unit already. She is more terrified, more nervous, more uncertain. Her case is more uncertain. That said, in the back of my head, in the recess of my heart, I know my case is not certain either. At any time, anything can happen. She described two cases she heard about where babies were removed from their foster families on Christmas eve. She has begged her social worker not to do this to her.

So I think of us. The four families I am pretty familiar with. Ours and three others. I would say two of us moms come across more confident in nature, two, more unconfident. Two families have successfully adopted. Two families on the roller coaster. We look to them for hope, for reassurance. We are praying God blesses us the same way.

Four days to court. The thought of court puts a pit in my stomach (did I refer to myself as confident??). I have been told the parent visits are changing after court. Instead of two hours every week, mom will have one hour every other week. Visits spacing is a good sign.

As I type, I am watching SBR try to get into everything. Yesterday I pulled a half eaten blue crayon out of his mouth. This week, stink bugs, leaves, dirt. He is truly my vacuum cleaner, not in a good way! But we love him, in all his 10 month old craziness.

Looking in the crowd last night, I saw dozens of prayer caps. There are so many Mennonite foster parents. I am pretty sure most of them are foster parents because of infertility. Our foster son's sibling will be adopted by a Mennonite family in less than two weeks. This is their fourth adoption.

It makes me think of where we sat 5 years ago. Struggling with the idea of starting our family through adoption. Taking to my husband about his fears of not having his child look like him. Praying he would bend; praying that we could agree. It truly took the whole adoption process to move his heart, our hearts to the possibility of an open adoption. To get us to consider adopting outside our race, etc. God was preparing our hearts for this. To one day stretch us even further outside of our comfort zone, to bring us to start the process of fostering. God prepares us all differently. Upon becoming a foster parent I immediately thought "why didn't we do this back then??" It is such a different process, in our case, a hundred times quicker. We made first contact in December and received our placement March 1st. It is a thousand times more affordable and I get that it is not for everyone. BUT, if you can pray your hearts into submission, I can guarantee it will be more than you could expect or imagine!

Our Lady of Sorrows, Pray for us!

This morning I went to Mass, for the intentions of those in the midst of their struggle with Infertility. I made a commitment and found it a bit ironic that this was the first day of my Mass petition for this intention. I don't think I was particularly aware of Our Lady of Sorrows when I was my darkest hours of infertility.

At Mass, Father talked about the way that Mary never blamed God for her sorrows, she accepted them as God's will.

Mary is an incredible source of consolation for the suffering heart. I always watch Mel Gibson's Passion through Mary's eyes. Her spirit, her courage, her pain, her grace. A spiritual director once challenged me to meditate on Mary's yes. Placing yourself in that position, in that time, in that environment - what an incredible yes! When we pray for ourselves "Thy Will be Done" we are joining with so many others who knew there would be suffering ahead. Most of all, we are joining ourselves to Mary, our mother, our model.

MOST HOLY and afflicted Virgin,
Queen of Martyrs,
You stood beneath the Cross,
Witnessing the agony of your dying Son.

Look down with a mother’s tenderness
And have pity on me,
Who kneels before you to venerate your
Sufferings and to place my request
With filial confidence in the sanctuary
Of your wounded heart.

Present them, I beseech you,
On my behalf, to Jesus Christ,
Through the merits of his own
Most sacred Passion and Death,
Together with your sufferings
At the foot of the Cross;

And through the united efficacy of both,
Obtain the grant of my present petition.

To whom shall I have recourse
In my wants and miseries
If not to you, O Mother of Mercy,
Who, having so deeply drunk
Of the chalice of your Son,
An console with the sorrows
Of those who still sigh in the land of exile?

O Holy Mary,
Whose soul was pierced by a sword of sorrow
At the sight of the Passion
Of your Divine Son,
Intercede for me and obtain for me from Jesus

(mention the request)

If it be for His Honor and Glory
And the good of my soul.
Amen.

On this Night

On this night, three years ago, I was preparing to meet the little person who ended the most difficult four years of my life.

Hundreds of prayers, millions of tears, pain and recovery from 3 surgeries, endless vials of blood...given up for her. I was in hopelessness, on the verge of despair. We had given up trying. And then, she came. Sacrificial love. Answered prayers.

I remember, after finding out we were pregnant, telling a priest who had prayed for us year after year. We found out as he was ending yet another novena on our behalf. He was SO excited for us and told us that our pregnancy, an answer to HIS prayers, was a profound moment of restored faith for him. :'-) It was restored faith for us as well.

In thinking of all those I have "met" online recently or know in real life...still waiting to be blessed, all I can say is hang in there! The pain and suffering of infertility is like nothing else. Every month, to realize your body has failed, yet again. The feeling of prayers unanswered....questioning God, screaming at him.

I gave up believing I would be so blessed to conceive and carry a child in my womb.

On this night, we had just arrived at the birth center. We were excited, nervous, breathing. Anxious to discover our child. To meet, this person. The one whom my husband danced to the sound of her heartbeat, who made us cry to see her squirm onscreen or feel her under my heart. This person, who we longed for, begged for.

I was so nervous that we would have to have a c-section, years of infertility prepare you for the worst. But, my body and my baby followed protocol. Within a few hours of arriving at the birth center, already 4 cm dilated, I was feeling the pain entering into transition. Some how I stumbled to the bathtub and hung on to the bar for dear life. Some how, I stumbled back out of the bathtub. Somewhere around 2am I began to push. Push with strength that only comes at a moment like this. At 2:21am Hannah Rose exited my womb and landed in her papa's hands, and changed our lives forever.

After 4 hours, we brought her home. Heaven touches earth. We are so eternally grateful and always praising God for His amazing gift.





Happy Birthday Angel!!

80 months

So I was thinking recently...and doing a little math. I estimate that I have spent approximately 80 months of my life trying to achieve pregnancy. If I had the fertility of a Duggar, I could probably have about 6 kids by now. Granted not all 80 months were spent "TRYING" - but there was not a month we were not open to conception.

Secondary infertility is nothing compared to the pain of primary infertility. I am eternally grateful that God has given us our beautiful daughter and now called us to be foster parents. My heart does still ache, however, to hear updates on fertile growing families and wish we had their fertility. God gave us this life, this cross. I am not crazy about it, but it is mine and I would not trade it.

From my cross comes my mission and I have been blessed to help others carry their crosses this past year. I consider running the infertility retreat a gift. I am speaking more about NaPro and lately, more doors are opening towards our mission in our diocese. I pray that my witness continues to lead others towards answers and blessings in their own lives. I was thrilled last week when I received in the mail the birth announcement for my first infertility client miracle baby.

On another note, I have been reading more infertility blogs and signed up recently to be a part of a summer secret prayer partner group. I am grateful for my assignment, my call to holiness...and someone out there...I will be praying for you!

mama bliss

Last night was a moment of mama bliss. It was my birthday. After dinner at my favorite restaurant and my annual whoppie pie cake, I was actually thoroughly enjoying putting the kids to bed. H loves for us to lay with her and is famous for saying "mamma will you lay wiss me?". SBR was having difficulty getting settled so I moved him over to the big girl bed, cuddling him on one side and her on the other. H kept pulling my face over to her just to make sure she was getting sufficient snuggling. It was a gift to be needed and shared by my kids and just lay there with them feeling the love.

After 5 years of primary infertility and now 2 plus of secondary infertility, I consider it a gift beyond all belief to have experienced that moment.

Yesterday morning we did have another social worker visit. She discussed much more at length what will happen when they "pass the case" this fall. Translation: when they change the goal to adoption SBR will get a new social worker to coordinate termination and adoption. I later asked Paul how he felt about the discussion. His comments were "she feels this is heading towards adoption, but for me, nothing has changed." She also talked briefly about what point we would want to start thinking of names, etc. Bottom line, we are not there yet. As of today SBR has been in our care for 4 months. At 6 months in our care the case CAN be passed. There are still a great deal of things that can happen (bio family get's it together, kinship family work out, bio parents refuse to sign termination and he remains in our care for another year or more without imminent adoption) OR this could go through smoothly and we adopt by the end of the year.

For now...we just keep loving on this little boy.

Hope Renewed

So...I might as well just catch up on all my blogging...right? :)

The Hope Retreat was this past Saturday. It got close to not happening as our numbers were lower than we planned. However, God intended this retreat to happen. There was 17 of us, including our speaker who claimed she was attending the retreat too.

As the retreat host, I felt the time crunch through the day and the pressure to keep things moving. Despite this, I managed to experience some very good moments. Christine Wittman, our first keynote, a Catholic therapist did a beautiful job of challenging us to dispel the myths of infertility. Things like "you are alone in your struggle", "this is your fault", "God doesn't love you". Christine lead us through the process of rewriting these to truth and redirecting to positive thoughts.

Paul and I were a part of the panel and shared our story from infertility surgeries to the adoption process, to conception, to secondary IF & surgery to fostering. We were joined with another couple that dealt with combined fertility issues (male & female) for 6 years before concieving (my retreat co-host and her husband).

After lunch we had time with Jesus in adoration and confession. Paul jumped when I asked him to play guitar at the last second and did an amazing job of providing soft reflection music.

Christine then led a group segment. Our chairs were in a circle and the empty chair among us became "Infertility." We all had a chance to say what we needed to say to "Infertility." My favorite moment of the day happened when the man next to me said forcefully "Infertility...you owe me a LOT of money." We all cracked up. Humor is good. The most rewarding part of this segment for me was when Christine asked the group what they were feeling at that moment. Several said peace, someone said they were ready to move forward and someone else said they felt hope. Praise God!! I had tears hearing the responses.

Late afternoon, Neal Lozano arrived. He is an amazing, anointed man! Neal is the founder of Heart of The Father Ministries. If you have never head of his book UNBOUND: A Practical Guide to Deliverance from Evil Spirits, I highly recommend it. Neal led us through an exercise (practice prayer) in forgiveness and deliverance. In the course of the keynote he said something very powerful...he said "God want's you to conceive." He then brought up Genesis "be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it." This was so freeing to hear. God want's me to conceive?? So often we think our way out of that and work around it with the dance of "this must not be God's will." It was so powerful to hear a man of authority pray with that authority for us and over us. So, he did pray over many of the couples. Paul and I were honored to lay hands in prayer with him and I was blown away by how in tune Neal is with the Holy Spirit. Without knowing these couples, he spoke words straight from God to so many of us.

The retreat concluded with Mass led by my brother in law. He did an awesome job preaching about how God often takes us beyond our comfort zone to bless us.

SO, I was honored and amazed to be used as a tool by God for this retreat.

God, bless all couples that struggle deeply with infertility. Allow them to receive & know your abundant blessing and love. Touch them, heal them...bless them with children. St Gianna, pray for us. St Gerard, pray for us.

An Infertility Retreat

I am so thrilled that the website is finally up!!

http://www.fertilitycarefriends.org/hoperetreat.html

THIS is the resource page for information on the Infertility Retreat that I have been working on long and hard with a dear friend and practitioner from Harrisburg.

If you are close and interested, feel free to contact me. If you are far and interested, you are welcome!! We need lots of prayer support for a powerful weekend orchestrated by the Holy Spirit. Please join me in praying!

Half Way There!!

This week marks 20 weeks. I am halfway there!! It is amazing. AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING! My old clothes don't fit, I have almost officially transfered to maternity garb, the ultrasounds and dopler radios show there is life within me. I feel this little life within me - just about every day now...and I still CAN NOT believe I am pregnant. Thank you God. "Lord I believe, help my unbelief."

It is so crazy to think that in a few more months, our lives will never be the same! I am so incredibly thrilled for what is to come. Paul continues to talk to and sing to the baby, in addition to listening to his/her heartbeat every night before bed. Pretty soon he should be able to feel some kicks (they are getting stronger). We are so blessed.

Being not too far out from the sting and pain of infertility, I ask anyone checking in...please join me to pray for those that now carry this heavy cross. St. Gianna, St. Gerard, St. Ann, St. Rita, St. Collete - please intercede for these couples and plead for them before our Lord. Amen.

Welcome 2007

What changes will this year bring? We are optimistic about 2007.
With regards to fertility - it is has been a long journey; here is the rundown:
10/2002 - married
10/2003 - began infertility testing
3/2004 - first surgery
6/2005 - second surgery
9/2005 - third & major surgery
12/2005 - began adoption research
3/2006 - choose an agency; started our wait
10/2006 - officially approved

As 2006 has been mostly "adoption focused" for us - we have been able to toss out the charts (temporarily) and forget about "trying to conceive." This has been a blessing. But, moving on from the dream of conceiving to the dream of adopting was interesting, to say the least. There are so many different emotions wrapped up with the adoption process. Having our parenting ability questioned, going through interviews, doctor's visits, background checks - all this to welcome a child into our house. One of the great lessons we have learned from others is that when we receive this great gift (and finalize the adoption), unquestionably, that will be our child. A child we have long awaited.

We are optimistic about 2007. That is not to say we will be blessed with a child by the close of the year, though hopefully that is the case. We are optimistic because, for the first time, we have no additional testing/poking/prodding/interrogating/interviewing to endure. We are as far as we can come on our journey to parenthood. The rest is completely out of our hands. Although I long to look into the future and see our family with a bustling house full of children, again, out of our hands. For the first time we look forward to our future, the one God has planned for us. We look forward not in expectation of the house full - but we look forward, one child at a time. Thank you all for your continued prayers and love. Happy New Year!

An EXCELLENT article on Infertility

Dear Family & Friends,
PLEASE READ THIS!!!! Someone on my infertility board posted a link to this article. It is, perhaps, the most comprehensive and honest look at what we go through. I hope that it brings you insight on the struggle of Infertilty. God Bless You All & Happy Thanksgiving!