7 Quick Takes- pondering joy (and publishing early)

Dedicating these takes to the topic of Joy.  I blogged about lost joy recently and had some fantastic comments and insights.

1. It is super interesting to hear different perspectives on the topic.  For me the height of (what I call) my joy, in my my perhaps juvenile understanding, was the end of high school & college, when I fell in love with Christ and the Catholic Church.  Steubenville retreats, college retreats...I even gave up dating during this period to focus on the Lord.  It was sunshine & flowers.

2.  Falling in love with my spouse was also pretty fantastic.  I know there is a difference between happiness & joy.  I don't think happiness adequately describes falling in love.

Of course the feeling of love is very different than actual love.  On our first date my husband went into a dissertation on this followed by the comment "I choose to love you." Yes, he said that on our first date.  Kat's wise comment was that "maybe joy, like love, matures and does not look the same as it once did."  I think there is something to that.

Mrs. Mike continued with "It was explained to me that happiness is a fleeting emotion but the Christian virtue of joy gives us the ability to smile through our tears when that happy state ceases. It's what sets Christians apart from the rest of the world. But it requires a repeated and conscious choice of the heart. Even for the more sanguine type, it takes years to develop the habit of living a joyful life."  

3. After college and falling in love...came marriage.

We were so excited to start our family that pretty soon after marriage came the realization of infertility.  I have had challenging periods in my childhood...but infertility was the first time I really suffered as an adult. That suffering did something to my joy.  After years of crying out to God and wondering if He heard me, my faith, my trust...my joy was tarnished. 

4.  The day my daughter was born was ah-mazing.  Answered prayers.  Being a participant in a miracle.  Knowing those tears were not for nothing.  

5.  And then...blessed parenthood.  With secondary infertility we became foster parents and two more quickly followed.  

So so so so so blessed that this was God's amazing plan for my life.  Looking back could I have imagined??  No!  But, it was a bit like being thrown into boiling water.  Suddenly everyone thought I was super fertile.  It was a drastic change from the first five years of married life.  And the reality of what it took to pull it off...enter the second phase of suffering.  Suffering sounds like such a selfish word to use here.  I think my children were the ones who started to suffer.  As the tidal wave of parenthood roared over my head...I became a mom far far from what I ever hoped I would be.  Enter favorite meme (adjusted as you see fit): 

6. The last year has been time to put on my big girl pants and really try to figure this out.  How do I reclaim joy?  Well...I have a feeling it has something to do with relearning the true meaning of joy.  Joy is not a feeling, it is a choice.   I was pleased to link back to one of Jennifer Fulwiler's blogs yesterday and find her thoughts on the topic.  "Joy is something different than happiness, and it’s a whole lot different than surface-level pleasure or physical comfort. It’s something divine in origin, not subject to the ups and downs of human emotions, a kind of ecstatic contentment and explosive peace that can only come from contact with the Source of all life and love himself."  It is crazy intriguing that she is finding her joy in the midst of family life.  

7.  I SO enjoyed 31 days of blogging last October.  I may be partially insane to imagine that I can pull it off again...but my heart is being pulled (obviously) to the topic of Reclaiming or Rediscovering Joy.  

Jennifer also said "the more intimately we know Christ, the more joy we’ll have…but Christ is the very embodiment of self-sacrifice, of pouring out oneself for the sake of others."  I hope to recognize this joy in my life.  Lord, help me learn to suffer well...so that I may be a light, rather than an extinguisher of light.  

quick takes - on getting there

1. 34 w 5 d
difficult to breathe, challenging to get up from sitting or laying down, heart burn, reflux, can't stand too long, have to pee all the time...and holy smokes...I am having a baby!!!! so grateful to God for this gift of life within.  grateful for His trust and I am not worthy.  baby hiccups, kicks, head buts, tiny movements inside of me...and now the necessity to think in terms of getting this child out and holding a precious fresh from God newborn.  (not a tweeter...but hashtag grateful)

2.

a most beautiful and captivating book.  add to your wish list!

3. Wednesday I attended a Mass of Thanksgiving for a new Gianna Center affiliate opening in my diocese.  After Mass I had the chance to pray (once again) with St Gianna's gloves.  I placed them over my very large womb and prayed for a safe delivery.  Immediately after that prayer my prayers went towards all those I know who are still begging God for a healthy baby in arms.  My thoughts went to the last person I was fervently praying for while holding her gloves. For those who have suffered miscarriages, I prayed for you.  For those who have not yet conceived, I prayed for you. St Gianna Molla, pray for us!

4.  My husband's colleague mentioned something to the fact that "your wife is REALLY pregnant."  Why yes, yes I am.  Meanwhile my (almost) 6 year old declared me fat.   Starting to navigate some of these new conversations with her.  The world is pressing in and I am trying but not quite sure how to push back.  Lord, protect our daughters and help us teach them well.

5. On teaching her well...Rosie has made it through two whole rosaries this week.  She led 4 out of 5 decades in the car the other day.  She can also recite the St Michael prayer and told me she says it if she wakes at night scared.  So proud!

6. School.  As I watch many people post about school, about homeschooling, about getting ready...I am grateful that for now, we can afford catholic education.  Rosie will be starting K.  Augie will be attending a 3 year old pre-k 5 hours a week to obtain services from the intermediate unit.  I feel no pull to home school yet.  I can't imagine catholic education all the way through...but for now...we are here.

7.  Last weekend was Catie's half-sister's 17th birthday party.  Her first ever.  She entered into foster care last fall and we have been slowly building a relationship with her and her foster mom.  For T's sake, as well as Catie.  Today I received the most precious thank you note from a girl who is probably writing them for the first time ever.  It included the words "thank you for trying to play kick ball" (just picture that for a second, and yeah :-) .  I am very grateful she is in a good home.  I really can not see her in ours.  But grateful still for the opportunity to have a biological connection for Catie.  Wish I could share the sweet pics!

So I will leave on a note about Older Child Adoptions with THIS sweet story.

(yet another) quick take sunday

so..maybe it is just because the exciting parts only happen on the weekends?

1. Friday Night was amazing.  I was surrounded by lots of beautiful women very close to my heart for what has to be the most faith-filled baby shower ever.  The grace and gift of these women was so palpable for me.  I am humbled by their generosity and even more grateful for their presence in my life.  Four children equals four god mothers and they were all there.  The night was kicked off with the most incredible prayer...I am still waiting for a copy to share...but the part that struck me was "dear lord let me not harm these children in my care."

a gummy "craving" bar

yet another craving...there was much sugar to be had

the beautiful hostess

gifts from women of faith

2. Saturday.  Wedding day for one of the most beautiful brides I have seen.  There is just something about a Catholic wedding...especially when the bride radiates purity.  I have known the bride since before she was in high school.  She eagerly read my copy of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and made a commitment to not date, probably while she was in the 8th grade.  I was honored to be her youth minister and she soaked up everything.  Even when I only had two teens attending a particular bible study...she was committed.  She was with me in a small group of studying through Theology of the Body for teens.  And I was with her for her first Steubenville youth conference, where I witnessed her falling madly in love with our Lord.  I walked with her though years of discerning a religious vocation...she wanted to be cloistered (what teen thinks like that?).  When her parents requested she attend college first, I was thrilled when she selected Franciscan University.  I have been so honored to know H through the years and watch her mature into the beautiful young woman she has become.  I have loved getting to know her now husband, who happens to be a dear friend of a fellow blogger and long time internet friend.  While it was difficult to watch H's path stray from her passion for religious life...I could not imagine a more perfect fit.  M is very worthy of his beautiful bride and I look forward to watching them grow in holiness & love.  Also...jealous they live near Mrs Mike...and not me!  

loved seeing them pull into the gas station on our way out!!

3. Sunday.  Peaches!!

Last weekend was picking:

This weekend was processing:

Can not wait to enjoy them!  Right now, from the shower, we are still filled to the brim with sweets...so pies will have to wait.  The beauty of canning. 

4. As a result of #1 & #2 I was wiped.out today!  My body definitely rebels & lets me know when I do too much.  Grateful that even with canning peaches, today was a day of rest. 

5. I met with a new midwife who informed me in April my urine test was GBS+.  Since April I have met with 4 other midwives who have not mentioned it before, so not sure yet if I need to worry.  I will be retested at 36 weeks.  I am also borderline anemic, which means iron rich foods.  Top of my list are cream of wheat and liverwurst.  Organ meats are not my deal.  Finally, I got to see the birth pool at the birth center.  There are many reasons we would not be able to utilize it...but I am hopeful!  It looked like a lovely place to labor/birth.  Baby is doing well.  Oh, the (new/young) midwife also thought baby was posterior and recommended time on my hands and knees.  Not the most comfortable thing to do at this point so I am doing what I can while I await another opinion in a week and a half. 

6. I pulled out the baby girl clothes this week.  It is a bit ridiculous how YELLOW the stains turn while they sit in the bins.  After many washes, oxi soaks and a grass/sun drying...I think they look clean & new. Stains are usually not my thing.  My mother will come to town and purchase every stain remover known to man to fill my cupboard.  I can use each of those and still have no luck getting out stains.  My mom also purchased a book called Stain Rescue a few years back.  I am finally using some of the tips and was able to get felt tip marker out of Augie's church pants this morning.  That was kind of exciting.  Perhaps the bin of clothes being saved for my mother (the queen of all stain removing) will not be so big when she arrives.  

7. My in laws arrive tomorrow.  Looking forward to the visit and the help.  

  

Quick Take Friday

These have to be really quick.  Catie has OT in 42 minutes!

1. I love love love having a finished (finally) downstairs for our office/play/family space.  Oh what a difference flooring makes to making something finished.

2. Oh my tukas!  Last night I was leaning on an office chair, and kerplunk, knocked the whole thing over.  I am okay, but hit my thigh/tukas.  Glad there is time for this bruise to heal before birth.  Husband reminded me that I am a bit top heavy these days.

3. We have been loving the pool.  Augie, age 3.5 is doing a really nice job at learning to swim (the independent way); while Rosie, almost 6 is learning by example, parents and swim class.  Augie is definitely the fish of the family.

4. Outside.  Heaven.  Our local temps dropped from close to 100 down to 70 in the last two days.  Windows open, kids once again allowed to play outside.  Love it!

5. my name is Elisabeth and I am addicted to the iphone.  It is like crack (disclaimer: i have never done an illegal drug in my life).  The last month I have so not tried to give it up on Wednesdays and Sundays.  The ultimate sacrifice that I can.not.make...but must keep trying.  Oh that I could find the joy in my children instead of trying to avoid them all day. 

6. Every week in the bible study I mentioned in this post, we set a goal, or a step to take for that week.  This past week my anger goal was to count to 10 in an anger situation.  In the video that accompanies the study, Jeff Cavin mentioned a really interesting point.  It takes 1-3 seconds for someone to get riled up with anger, which physiologically changes your body.  It can take 30 minutes for that physiological response to anger to subside.  Oh how I can relate to this!  So my goal it to count to 10 and try to stop the response before it happens.  Yesterday I forgot my goal, had to go back and re-read it.  The fortunate thing is that I have not had a need to use it at all this week.  This week's study is on fear.  For me the whole of the study comes back to the anger issue for me.  So the alternative to negative fear = peace & trust in the Lord.  I am seeking peace...specifically in the home.  More on that later.

7. A crazy thing happened this week.  I mentioned before that my brother in law, Fr K, was taking a 2 week pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago (the Way of St James) in Spain.  They arrived in Santiago de Compostella just in time for the vigil & feast day festivities of St James.  The same day a massive train crash happened in the same town, killing 80 people....and subsequently cancelling all feast day events.  I am so grateful that the tradition is for pilgrims to walk into the town...though I know there were others on that train arriving to the town for the event.  Today, the group is to board the train and ride the opposite direction back to Madrid...flying home on Saturday.  Eternal Rest grant unto the dead.  I am grateful for the protection that was over Fr K & the FOCUS pilgrims that day.

Happy Weekend.

mid week quick takes (aka late takes)

Mid week last week I wanted to blog...but decided to wait until Friday.  Then Friday came along and my inspiration had evaporated.  New inspiration has found its way back, so with that, here are my late-takes.

1. It is 12.19pm and I am sitting at my kitchen table.  My house is silent, except for the whirl of a lawnmower outside.  I am go grateful for Uncle K (our resident priest/brother/brother-in-law) who comes to save the day on his day off.  He took the kids out to the park and out for lunch.  I am so grateful for his vocation and the ways that it helps my vocation.

2.  Speaking of Uncle/Fr K...he arrived just in time to bless our first ever Mary garden!  I had been search for the perfect Mary for years.  The painted ones were never quite right.  The concrete ones were always so expensive.  I found this Mary at a Catholic bookstore.  She is heavy duty plastic, but you add concrete inside to weigh her down.  In front of her is a JPII rose bush in progress.  Our first one died and my mom lovingly cultivated and brought be a new clipping/bush.  I hope it likes it's new home better than the last one.

3. Timber Update.  We had the ultrasound.  It is a beautiful healthy baby!  We had the doctor write the gender down in an envelope to be revealed around DH & my birthday (end of June/beginning of July).  We hope to have a cake baked by someone who will make it blue or pink for us.  I am looking forward to finding out the news as a family (though we have a hunch).
Yesterday marked week 22.  I still can't believe the miracle that is this little life.  The doctor did our u/s and provided us with this face-on view (head on top, big belly on bottom)

4. Taking Kids to Mass.
This topic came up at a recent Marriage renewal program we are involved with.  The question was asked, by a deacon in training,  if he should say something to a woman with regularly misbehaving children who distracts him at daily Mass.  I didn't realize how emotional attached I am to the topic.  It is a tough subject and there is room for education on all fronts.  I believe I shared this articWhy we need kids at Mass."  It is excellent for the average person in the pew who may be irritated by the kids around them.  He then shared this article, "How to take young children to Mass" which is also excellent information for the parent.  We do try to utilize many of these techniques.  Ultimately, there is always room for education.  The idea of personally saying something to a particular woman or family makes me nervous.  One other mom suggested his approach be something like "do you need help?"  Proactive rather than reactive is a much better choice.


le before, "

5. If you missed my blog in the Mother to Mother series on discipline, here it is: Starting from Scratch.

6. My blessings on Mother's Day.

And a beautiful "letter to my pastor" on the topic of hurting women at Mass.  I loved this and shared it with a few priests.  One incorporated the prayer into his homily and was thanked by an infertile woman after the Mass.

7. If you have not yet been introduced to the musical goodness of Sarah Kroger, than please, let me introduce you!  My BFF is the youth minister at the Church she grew up.  While visiting, bff asked Sarah to play for us.  Sarah is incredibly talented and writes beautiful music.  Her second album will be no exception.  Check her out and if you are inspired, help fund her new project at SarahKroger.Com.

6.

quick takes from FL

quick taking it from rainy florida and having a wonderful time with family.

1. I have read a couple of blogs about "having babies in an opposite world" and "nfp doesn't work" (awesome Dwija!) and contemplating the general state of feelings towards children.  Why is it that I am shy about revealing this pregnancy to certain people or explaining to strangers this is my fourth?  I am still in shock that this could be the life of a former infertile girl.  But I really truly truly need to work on presenting my JOY and excitement in a more palpable way.  We were the only patrons in Waffle House at 4.30pm yesterday during our commute.  The waitress & cook (both early 20's & female) were gushing over the kids.  When one asked if we planned to have any more my husband said "we have #4 right here!" (pointing to my belly).  We have been fortunate to not have much in the way of negative feedback, but it is certainly a new place of learning & navigating how to present your big family as pure miracle and gift.

2. Pure Challenge.  Pure Joy.

3. With thanks to our babysitters, my husband was able to join me for my skype therapy this week.  It went really well.  It is amazing how the insight of a therapist can help so much.  I am on this journey and I don't want to go it alone.  We learned that when DH comes home and finds me overwhelmed his response is "get out of here and go for a walk".  It sounds nice but when I am overwhelmed walking out on the stress is not what I want, nor helpful for me to relax.  It is really DH's way to "get me out of the way" to accomplish things as he would like.  He also tends to try to hug me during these moments.  I don't receive physical touch well in those situations.  My love language is Quality Time.  Instead, DH was challenged to invite me to step aside for a few minutes and become overwhelmed with me.  It is so nice to have his participation and interest in this process.  I need & look forward to his support as we figure this out together.  The main challenge is discipline....

4. ...and on that topic I will be participating in Finding Greater Joy's discipline series next week.  Look for my post on Thursday.  I can't wait to hear what the other women have to say before me...starting Monday.

5. Loves the sand.  Hates the water.  Life is therapy for this one.

6. My two-less teeth Rosie.  Growing into such a beautiful girl and a wonderful big sister.

7. Off to enjoy the red snapper my DH cooked for dinner.  See you soon! 

quick takes friday

1. I keep checking my blog every day and there are no updates!  Sorry ya'll!

2. Two weeks until two weeks of Florida!  I can not remember the last time I was there during beach season.  Can't wait for the time away with my family...and our built in babysitters (aka grandparents).

3. Sooo, we finally have the beautiful warm weather I have been pining for.  But after two days of open windows, our upstairs was 85 and this pregnant woman was not surviving.  So the AC has already started rolling in our house.

4. Feeling the baby move now!  I have been without progesterone for a month (my own doing after my non-NaPro doc freaked out with the "fibroid" issue).  I have been constantly worried for the baby's safety.  Feeling him or her move is tremendously reassuring.  But I still need to get my numbers rechecked by Camp Hill (bad bad FCP).

5. Names.  Starting to feel the pressure now.  Not sure why, but it seems we should have some better prospective names.  Well, I do know why....my husband has somewhat agreed to finding out the sex, IF we can figure out the names before the news.  Either way...you won't know the name until birth. ;-)  That is one secret I can keep.

6. Prayers.  Ongoing for the special people in my life that are trying to conceive or adopt.

7.  I had a lovely play date with a friend & fellow blogger. Here are the kiddos:
The plunging neckline is because someone had too much fun playing in the water fountain and had to wear her mommy's sweater to lunch.  Don't you just love all this "cheese"?

8.  Breaking the rules to say I am still in shock that I am the momma to 4 little people!!  Our God is a big God and He is a God of miracles.  (now please revert back to #6 and join me in praying!)

Quick Takes

1. Quick taking without underlying inspiration today, but up at 1:11am so thought I would try to get this on the books before I go to bed.  Hold on to your hats.

source

2. At what age is it safe to redecorate the room of a destructive toddler?   Augie's room was specially prepared for him two summers ago, when he officially joined our family.  Since then every surface has been written on (beyond magic erasers abilities to erase) and there are multiple holes in the wall.  Mainly from the cute things I hang up (like curtain rods and coat rack) being ripped out of the wall.  I picked up paint chips yet and am hoping by summer (age 3.5) we may be over a bit of the hump.  Too soon?

Here is my original pintersty inspiration.  I am dying to do a take 2!

3. While we are talking Pinterest, project uno is to finish our office.  It opens up into our family room, and this is my main inspiration idea:

the source site seems to not be accessible, it is from a site called sawdust and paper scraps

Does anyone have any idea where I can find reasonably priced wood file cabinets to serve as our base??  That is my current shopping challenge.  The pottery barn bedford collection is my dream, but I don't have $600 for those two base cabinets.  

4. So I managed to secure 60 minutes of uninterrupted kid-free shopping time this evening.  It was wonderful.  I did some E-basket shopping...and then came home to discuss the bunny with my husband.  I grew up with a bunny.  He grew up with no bunny.  It is hard to give him up, but he really has nothing to do with the resurrection story.  I think we are going to be a bunny-less family and the baskets are gifts from us. And for the record...we do Santa (justified with lots of talk about the real St Nick).  

5.  Catholic school.  Rosie will be returning to Catholic school in the Fall for Kindergarden.  We are going to have to just do this year by year.  I WISH I had the energy or patience to home school, but with little people at home, I am very grateful for the gift of our parish school.  When it comes down to it, I finally confessed there is no way I want her in public school.  I was raised in public school...but it is very different today than 30 years ago.  The rejection/disrespect of Christianity is one of the biggest issues.  She will not be a girl scout for the same reason.  Still debating about extraneous activities for the Fall.  I would love to enroll her in soccer, but with new baby coming at the same time...we may have to just wait another year.  It is so difficult to say no to so much, but I want to keep our lives as simple as possible in this chaotic world. 

6. Baby Update.  It was incredible to see Timber on ultrasound last Friday.  I only saw him/her briefly as the doctor looked EVERYWHERE inside of me for the fibroid that wasn't.  I wish I had a picture but any 13 week ultrasound image will do.  I am so back and forth about the gender surprise.  I want to know.  Hubby does not.  I am hoping I come around.  :)  

7. Have you been touched by an angel?  I am humbled and grateful for one that touched my life today.  To that angel: I am grateful for you.  I am grateful for the example, leader & mentor you have been in my life. You have always and will always hold a most special place in my heart.  As your babies left your nest, my nest was starting to fill.  Having been right where I am am....all I can say is thank you for knowing.  Thank you for caring.  Thank you for being so special. 

 

Quick Takes Friday

1.  So my lent commitment was to stay off facebook and try to avoid excess Internet as much as possible.  I am failing miserably.  I have been spending lots of time in bed since my wonderful news, and especially in the past week.

I had been replacing fb time with my news apps.  And then, between a friend having twins (had to stalk on fb) and then the pope, and then I have just down spiraled from there.  Not sure what I need to do, but I need to do something to make the most of the final two weeks of lent.

2. Thank you to everyone for your prayers.  My two complications are "tilted uterus & can't pee" and a fibroid (or fibroids), which seems to make the matter worse.  I have been catheterized for a week and am trying to offer my sufferings constantly.  The last couple days have been pretty darn uncomfortable.  I am ready to rip that thing out.  Ultrasound at 2.30pm today.  My greatest prayer is that my uterus has returned to the correct position - Sts Gianna & Gerard, pray for me!  I need a break from this bag.

3.  Recently we added sensory therapy to Catie's PT & OT schedule.  It sounds like she may need speech as well.  At 2 years, 3 months she is not identifying animals or animal sounds.  She has a great ability to communicate, but there are some gaps missing in her speech.  While her OT is excited about her progress, add this to the list of things I am not thrilled to add to our schedule.  I feel selfish to say this, but three services a week as we add a new person to our family....this is what I signed up for when I adopted my special needs babe.

4. Adoption and motherhood.  Okay....super honest quick take here.  I know adoptive parents so often talk about how there is no difference between their feelings towards their adopted children and their biological children.  From a supernatural faith based perspective, absolutely, this is/should be true.  Adoption is a higher calling than becoming a parent the old fashioned way.  From a natural perspective (and I know I may be in the minority here, but still feel this on my heart to say) there is a difference, for me, that I connect to the lack of bonding through maternity & nursing.  My adopted children have special needs and they happen to be aged two and three (read: very difficult ages).  I am sure parents of all biological children have toughies that they struggle to love the same way as the easy ones.  In saying that, perhaps adoption becomes a moot point, BUT...I feel the need to meditate on and pray for a supernatural love for my children.

At a natural level, our love is imperfect.  We should love as God loves.  And our relationship to God is as His adopted children.  He has TOUGH children.  But HE loves us all perfectly, no matter where we came from or what challenges we present.

Adoption is a higher calling than becoming a parent the old fashioned way.  This statement came up by my therapist.  On a biological level, we have biological bonding agents - hormones during pregnancy, delivery and nursing that bring about the maternal instincts.  (Note: men do not have this same biological experience and my husband has not had the same bonding challenges as me).  With my adopted kids, I lacked those experiences and that natural/hormonal type of bonding.  So now, in my parenting experience, I am trying to rise above what is lacking and be as maternal as I would be to my biological child.  This can only happen with supernatural grace.   I am on the long road to processing and hopefully changing this in my life.

5.  For the record, I know plenty of biological parents who have admitted to me struggles with not being maternal.  In that, I mean relating to my struggles with anger and personal restraint in punishment, etc.  The above is specific to my experience with parenting.  So again, this could be very common in parenting in general. And, in which case, completely wipes out the struggle in my head about adoption as a reason for the chance in my maternal feelings.  Can you tell this is all just being processed?

6.  My favorite Francis meme:

When I first saw Pope Francis standing there I was like "wave, Dude!!"  When you see this picture, it brings out the humility of our new Holy Father.  It makes me chuckle.

7.  Okay, I will close with a netflix recommendation that has been taking up my time (read #1!).  My mother in law recommended "Call the Midwife".  Very good series.   But someone needs to have words with these British film companies that think 6 episodes constitutes a season!

Happy Weekend!

Quick Take Friday: facebook edition

1. Happy Friday.  My husband found this posted by MonkRock.  It was too fitting not to share.  Evidently Pride & Self Love is an appropriate diagnosis for all of us.  The real question...how many of us are as repulsed by it as God? 

2. What a wonderful week of playdates. I am enjoying the sounds of my daughter and her friend, who, as I type, are on the other side of my computer watching Cinderella and playing princesses.  Rosie dresses up just about every day, as evidenced by the picture of my lovely princess+bride.  Her playing takes me right back to my childhood.  This precious time of her life where she truly believes that she is a princess and is disappointed when others try to tell her she is not.  I love this age.

In other news, she is so super excited about her first wiggly teeth.

3. As the March for Life approaches my posting on facebook reflects my passion and advocacy.  I think this is the time of the year I am most likely to loose "friends" and be hidden by family that are polar opposites.  I am sure everyone has seen this...but posting it here any how.

Mr President. It is time to listen to your words and your nation. Please look out your window on Jan 25th and see ALL of us who march (now for the 40th year) to be a voice for the 4400 children killed in their mother's wombs every day. Newtown certainly was tragic. Abortion is a holocaust happening every day that is ignored for "convenience". Please rethink your hypocrisy and consider the tremendous value of each of these lives.

4.Speaking of facebook....I feel the pull to step away.  I know I will be giving up the Internet (as much as humanly possible) during Lent.  I was honored when a real life friend read my blog and was inspired by my floating screen post & cancelled her facebook.  

Last night I received an email from a friend who felt lead by the Holy Spirit to send me the text of her Pastor's homily.  The message was about finding God in the busy.  It was also about all the distractions that keep us from seeing/seeking God. Facebook was not only in this homily, but in my head.

The kicker was this morning when I finally read this article in the Catholic Register (that has been sitting by our bathroom for several weeks.  It is called "Make the Most of the Time God Gives You".  Before facebook I was plenty busy and found a hundred excuses to not pray or go to Mass.  Now, how much time do I constantly carve out (read: waste) on facebook.  I have resisted stepping back (except for lent) for years.   It is time I do something about this.

5. When I adopted my son, I found and blocked most of his bio family so they hopefully would not find my pictures shared via facebook.  I have not found my daughter's bio family...which concerns me a bit.  Some of them must be on, and unless I am blocking them, they can find me or possibly see my pictures.  It is easy to be complaisant about what I am sharing and what is being shared.  So...to start the process of weaning I will be deleting the extraneous - photo albums and tags.  I will also be deleting my facebook app.  Is there a patron saint against idolatry?

6. Okay, enough about FB (bleh).   We got two big gifts for Christmas.  A Sodastream and a Keurig.  Here are my reviews. I love the Sodastream.  I am a new fan of fizzy water (or bizzy water as Augie calls it).  Flavored fizzy water is much more interesting to my palate.  I have also been having issues with our newly softened water and feeling thirsty (maybe because it is not as enjoyable to drink).  But adding fizz to the water has miraculously resolved that issue. Also, the kids love the bizzy water so any time I can get them drinking more water, score!  Two thumbs up recommendation for the sodastream.

The Keurig, on the other hand.  It is a total luxury to go to someone's house and find a Keurig.  I LOVE being a guest of a Keurig owner.  I do not, however, love being a Keurig owner.  For four reasons.  1. Soft water is water with salt added.  This does not brew well in a Keurig.  However, even with bottled water, it still tastes off to me.  2. The strength of a k-cup stinks.  It is perfect if I was drinking a tea cup worth of coffee.  For the large mug, I would need a double strength k cup.  Have not found these yet.  The best so far is using the EZ cup with our own coffee.  Better strength and budget friendly.  3. The ease and temptation mean we are drinking way more coffee/tea/chai/hot chocolate than we would normally be drinking.  Which means more sugar/caffeine/calories.  And which also means way more.... 4. Expensive!  Initially I tried to justify the expense that by only brewing a cup, there would be no wasted coffee in the pot.  That argument has no legs to stand on.  Holy expensiveness!  In addition to the fact we are drinking more hot beverages my a little math tells me it is cheaper to by a mug of fresh brewed Starbucks.  I was told that if you can score a k-cup for less than $.50 a cup, it is a good deal.  Well...did you know that with your own mug, you can go to Starbucks and get coffee for $.50?  And that is a travel mug...which would actually take two k-cups.  SO, Starbucks store brewed is actually cheaper than a good deal on Folgers or other more generic coffee.

For the gifter who reads my blog (aren't I a terrible woman!)- we are so grateful for the gift and my husband would give you an entirely different review.  I am excited to entertain with it and have had two opportunities this week to show it off and pamper my guests.

7.   Can not wait to finish this room - our office!  It is next on our to do list.  Drywall this weekend.  The before is wretched....but I am all about humility, right?  Well, this isn't a true before.  This is a living-in-the-room-after-demo-before.  As of now my/our vision is as many bookshelves as we can possibly squeeze into the space and wood counter top custom made desk (large desk with two computer stations and a jet out in the middle that will be my client table.  It has been FOREVER since I have had the luxury of seeing clients in my home.  I am looking forward to an office again.  Hopefully before too long...

Quick Takes Friday; learning from therapy

---1---

Since I have "gone there" {to bare-your-soul-blogging} it seems I can't go back.  Try as I may, I have been called to this transparency.  If the Lord can use this for his glory, then I am at His service.

---2---
I am settling into a routine of twice a month skype sessions with Dr. D.  Unfortunately my insurance is not providing coverage because he is considered out of network.  My next steps are to a) fight for coverage and/or b) see if he can come into network.  In the meantime and fortunately, Dr D has placed twice a month appointments as greater priority than payment in full.  A little thanks inserted here to my prayer buddy.

---3---I have been accused of scrupulosity.  I have been reminded by many that I am a good mother to my children.    While I know that I am a good mother...what kind of mother am I if I am not trying to overcome this anger that comes out in this form of a beast in front of my children?  I do not want to spew venom.  This is not why God has entrusted His children to my motherhood.  I am learning that instead of showing anger in response to the inevitable poor choices of my children, I need to learn to show sorrow.  This is one way we can meditate upon & invoke Mary.  Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us.  When our children write on the walls, pee on the carpet, tear up a book, push their siblings, help us to have a sorrowful heart, rather than an angry heart.

---4---
On Tuesday, when faced with a screaming toddler refusing to nap, I had a come to Jesus moment.  This scenario of screaming & refusing to nap is the greatest instance, with this particular child, that causes my anger to manifest.  Twice I repeated the following: walk into room, offer threat of spanking, leave room, return and deliver spanking.  Twice this did nothing but bring about more screaming (of course).  So I went into my room, put in my ear plugs, covered my head with a pillow (one of my usual attempts of coping with this scenario).  Then...I began to pray.  I prayed "Jesus, rock her to sleep.  Jesus rock her to sleep," And you know what???  He replied "That is why I have given her to you.  To be me.  To rock her to sleep."  Okay, hello Jesus.  Truth verified.  I begrudgingly went into her room, picked her out of her crib, returned to my room, put her in my bed, turned my back to her and laid down with her.  And she fell asleep.  Not an extreme act of charity on my part, but a step in retraining myself of be the mother I was created to be.

---5---
The generational curse.  I have a challenging relationship with my mother.  She had a challenging relationship with her mother.  As did my grandmother with her mother.  It is something that I have believed as an inevitable truth for myself.  I had feared having a daughter for this reason.  God sent me my first born, a daughter, for this reason.  To teach me that He is greater than a generational curse.  This was my latest God-given insight, one that has not been unwrapped yet.

---6---
"The mind assents before the heart surrenders."  DP Slattery

This is what is going on with me these days.  My mind is learning, being retrained and assenting to these truths I am learning.  My heart is still in need of surrender.  Conversion.  This is, in a certain sense, overcoming my Dark Night.  This is where I choose to parent as God intends.  To choose the high road, over the weak response.

---7---
I am happy to share my insights.  Please don't let these replace a step that you need (or feel called) to take in your own life.  God intends to meet each of us very personally and care for us where we are and call us forth individually.  As I said, I am humbled if God can use my writing to work on another mother's heart.    That said, I can not imagine benefiting from reading an account to the extent that I am benefiting from my personal  surrender in this form of therapy.

Pray for me.  I will pray for you.

dry

dry.

The house, my hands, my desire to blog....

I have sat at the computer with intent and left with regret several times in the last weeks.

What I would have shared in a couple quick takes:
1. Paul's 94 year old Busia passed peacefully in her sleep after attending mass and celebrating the Polish Christmas eve dinner with her family.  Seriously I can not imagine a more beautiful way to pass.  I was grateful to be able to make the quick trip with my husband to celebrate her life.  Quick thanks to the family who made it possible for us to attend.

Rosie enjoying time with her pra-busia in October.  A memory & photo I cherish.

2.  Christmas was wonderful, full of family.  We finished our guest room in the nick of time.  A reveal that will have to wait for another day.

3. New Years Eve.  I quote my mom who said "most fun new years."  Pinterest style, I went to Party City and had balloons blown up to help us count down the hours.  In each balloon was a note.  Each hour, my alarm went off to summon the kids to pop a new balloon.

7pm - Make Caramel Apples
8pm - Make Soap Clouds
9pm - Play a Game
10pm - Watch a Movie
11pm - Sing Karaoke
12 pm - Make a Toast and Go to Bed!

The babies made it almost to 10pm and Rosie made it to celebrate midnight.  The evening was a blast.

4. The day after my mom left, I threw out my back.  I have never done this before and holy smokes...I do NOT recommend it.  I spent the first day in tears and with the help of my husband's ingenuity, was only able to lay down or get up using a table leaf as a back board.  I am slowing regaining movement and coming out from under almost a week of muscle relaxers and naproxin.

5. I hate hate hate HMOs.  Just for the record.

6. I am grateful for the women who have come forward and told me how much they appreciate or relate to my 30 days series.  Being completely honest in the blog world is a risk.  Especially for a foster mom.  My struggles have not ended, but I am strengthened with new resolve.  And each time someone thanks me for writing those posts, I am reminded to go back and read them.  Something I need to do regularly.

7. Did I miss the birthdays???  I forgot the birthdays!  Augie turned 3 and Catie turned 2!  We celebrated at a bounce house.  Best birthday ever for Augie, worst birthday ever for Catie.  Fortunately she enjoyed her cupcake.  I am amazed to look at my babies growing and think of how far we have come.

I am truly blessed to be mamma to these special little ones.  For as much as they challenge me, they are beautiful miraculous gifts straight from God.  He knew I needed them to purify me and bring me to my knees.  He knew they needed me, a mamma who would love them and do anything for them.  Happy Birthday to my babies.  I am grateful for you.

Quick Takes: The victory is won. He is risen from the dead.

---- 1 ----

What a week.  I spent the morning yesterday among tearful women at prayer group.  For all those who have prayed so faithfully, He has not abandoned you.  

One woman discussed the sin cycles that can be found in the Old Testament.  When people get lax they slip into a state of sin, then desperation, than they cry "help me!" and then God comes and rescues them, they are redeemed, then start to become lax again. 

I don't understand why so many people accept everything that is contrary to the Gospel.  We are in the depths of sin and desperation. Let's keep calling for help!  God IS hearing our prayers. 

---- 2 ----

From Leila, I found the website for The Recovered Catholic.  I loved several of her quotes.  This one is on my heart this morning: 

"If you are a Catholic American citizen and voted for Obama yesterday, do know that you were not morally permitted to do so."  

The fact that the "Catholic" vote went in favor of Obama, sickens me.  I wish those people who were Catholic in name only would stop identifying themselves as Catholic.  For those that are Church goers or identify themselves as "faithful catholics".  God help you.  I am amazed at how many people can sit in the pews and still reject the Gospel outright.  Jesus and his Catholic church stands against abortion.   Against homosexual marriage.  Against attacks on embryonic life and elderly.  If you stand for those, you should not be receiving communion.  Your Amen does not mean "I believe."  We are in need of such a deep purging and deep conversion.  This is my prayer. 

---- 3 ----

This morning Chris Tomlin's song "I will rise" is on my heart.  The lyrics spoke to me.  

Jesus has overcome. 

And the grave is overwhelmed. 

The victory is won. 

He is risen from the dead.

---- 4 ---- 

The year of faith.  

Somewhere in this these two things will play together.  We are asked by our bishops to invite an inactive Catholic back to church.  Please read 10 Ways Catholics Can Live the Year of Faith and prayerfully consider adding a few ideas into your week.  

Also, check out Family Resources from the USCCB website. 

---- 5 ----

I have witnessed several miracles/victories this week through my work as a Fertility Care Practitioner.  I adore the work that I do.  There is nothing more rewarding than to see conversion happen in front of you and to be used by God.  I am honored to sit at the desk that is sometimes on the "front lines" and speak truth, challenge hearts and encourage healing.  

If you have ever considered becoming an FCP, please think about taking the next step and starting the education process.   God will provide the finances.  I can not think of a better more beautiful way to fight against the war on women. 

---- 6 ----

While I am grateful I had the opportunity to vote, my election day was spent with medical professions.  Namely, rushing my daughter to a children's hospital ER.  

I don't know how much I can write because this is where the tears come. 

Moments in parenting that bring you to your knees. 

On Sunday my daughter was under the couch looking for a dumb $3 ring that I told her I would not replace. My husband was sitting on the recliner.  He got up and did not realize she was under him.  On Tuesday she woke up and could not move her neck.  We scheduled an appointment with the chiropractor.  She then referred us to the Children's hospital.  X-Rays and the Cat Scan revealed that she suffered a C2 Cervical Subluxation.  

She is to wear an immobilization collar for 1-8 weeks, or longer.  Surgery may be needed to fuse C1 and C2 together.  

She wears the collar 24 hours a day.  It is not to be removed. It can not get wet.   She misses out on recess, her favorite part of the day.  The hardest thing for Rosie is having question after question of "what happened?"  I told her we should think of a silly story.  She came up with "a tiger jumped on me!"  My father suggested her collar should be gussied up with fake jewels.  I think we shall do that this weekend.  

The hardest thing for me is seeing my husband shattered because he felt like he broke his daughter.  On election night we turned off the tv and prayed together with tears.  Not for our country, but for our family.  For healing.  For no guilt.  

My Beautiful Girl

---- 7 ----

I would be grateful for your prayers for Rosie's healing.  Healing that her ligaments pull her C2 back into proper position quickly.  Prayers that no surgery is required and she will be quickly able to get back to normalcy.  Prayers that there is no permanent damage or future difficulty as a result of this accident.  

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,

that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection,

implored your help or sought your intercession,

was left unaided.

Inspired with this confidence,

I fly to you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother;

to you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful.

O Mother of the Word Incarnate,

despise not my petitions,

but in your mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.

overcoming anger {day 19} quick takes edition

1.  This is a month filled with grace (retreat, anniversary trip, among other things).  But don't let me fool you. This issue has not magically resolved for me.  I need to be reading and re-reading my own posts and hold my self to to challenges I am setting forth.

2. In the "among other things" category listed above, there is a training next week for Alternatives to Physical Discipline.  I signed up primarily because I need training hours and secondarily because of the topic.  I did not know I would be in the middle of this series when I signed up.  I will be sitting among foster parents who are required to attend because they have used physical discipline on a foster child.  Humbling myself, yet again, to be attending this training among those who have been "called out."

Now on the the fun.  Dedicating the rest of my quick takes to NY Wine Country, aka the Finger Lakes.

“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.” 

G.K. Chesterton, Heretics 

Canandaigua

3. We started on Canandaigua.  Our bed and breakfast was beyond fabulous.  This was the first time we had ever B&B'd and the Inn on the Main set the bar very high!

our private sitting room

Some to-die-for french toast dish.  The woman next to me
kept chanting it would be so rude not to eat it. 

 4. For our anniversary dinner I surprised Paul with a 2 1/2 hour cooking class at the New York Wine and Culinary Center.  So. Much. Fun!  He said it took him about 30 minutes to get over the fact he had to cook his own fancy food - but confessed how much he enjoyed it.  Walking in and out of class to refil wine as needed was an extra plus.  Take away lesson from our class "Hot Pan, Cold Oil".  Also, it set us off on our wine trail search with the added mission of finding great cheese.  The cheddar we used in our potato dish was so so good!

5. The wine trails were so much fun.  We started with the recommendations of friends.  By the end of day 1 we almost had two cases!!  Bully Hill for lunch is a must-do.  Our favorite wines by far were Dr Frank.  Pity they don't sell to our state.  We may just have to make this a regular trip.  ;-)

6. Mid October was the perfect time of year to get married!  How gorgeous was this!?

Roadside grapes...yes please!

 7. We finished our trip with a little detour to a Hobby Lobby where I picked up this adorable pumpkin and the letters for a cute project I found online.  Then we pressed hard on the gas to get home to our family.

The Lettered Cottage