(Started writing on Thursday)
As I sat down to type, I decided upon a quick google search for quotes and stumbled upon many from CS Lewis. A man who has clearly thought significantly more about this topic that I have. In his book, Surprised by Joy, he writes:"it is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which is a technical term and must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that, and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasure in the world. But then Joy is never in our power and pleasure often it."
Thank goodness for philosophers to make more sense of these things. Joy is something I feel I once had and have since lost. Being named Elisabeth I have always loved the image of the Visitation. Within Elizabeth's womb, the infant, "leapt for joy." Two years ago I had the opportunity to attend a conference and be prayed over by Neal Lozano. He is an incredible man. In his blessing over me, he brought forth that image and prayed for joy over me.
(Returning to this writing on Saturday)
So, the elusive joy. When I became a mother there was definitely a honeymoon period where I was so filled with joy. I remember being tired...but I don't remember anger until my newborn became a toddler. She was very VERY loud. I recal posting on an online forum about her manipulating behaviors. Another mother challenged me that perhaps I was perceiving her as more advanced than she was.
With the transition to toddlerhood, came the loss of control. With the loss of control, I began to experience the loss of joy.
In my 6 years as a parent, there have been profound moments of gratitude...but limited moments of joy. I could go back to giving birth vs adopting (where there were no happy hormones flooding my body)...but ultimately, I think if all my babies were from my womb, I would still struggle with anger & pine for joy.
It has been awhile since I spoke with Dr D. As I mentioned the cost of two private schools has taken control of those funds in our budget. One of the themes I was most interested in was the idea to "make your house a cloister". The image of a cloister is one of peace, order, joy. Perhaps the peace & order are impossible with children? But I am for sure trying.
Nesting is helping us declutter and bring peace to areas of our home that have been in chaos. The energy to keep things clean is not present...but it is a prayer. So...the home, is a big source of stress...but then, the kids.
I so long to find joy in my children. I long to see them as God sees them. I long to live in peace with them. I long for them to have a mama that is filled with joy. This...is where I pray for my miracle. Parenting is suffering. Parenting is laying down your wants, your life, for your children. So...this elusive joy is only going to come from learning to suffer well.
I am not quite sure how to do that...but every single day I have another opportunity to try. I am a mama that is going to stay put. And keep trying. And...if joy is not meant for me in this life, I am so grateful it is available in heaven.
4 comments:
Spoke straight to my heart!!!
I do think there is a connection like you mentioned between joy and learning how to suffer well. The more I think about my desire for children and the cross of IF, God has called me to work on my selfishness and ability to suffer now because a healthy pregnancy or adoption are not going to give me this sudden magical joy. Would it make me happy? Absolutely! I don't think however that it can give me back the joy that I think I lost. Also maybe joy, like love, matures and does not look the same as it once did. Interesting topic, now you have my head percolating with all these thoughts!
Ah, joy. I find it is some to attain to, not something I find in the day to day. I imagine that joy is what one feels when she has finally surrendered her will for the Lord's Will. Truly surrendered and accepted. I have found this only to be in frequenting the sacraments.
Parenting little ones is very difficult. It is constant. But you are doing an amazing job. Amazing.
Beautifully and honestly written. I think every mother can relate to the same struggle. Two thoughts pop into my head as I read this:
1) Joy is gift from God, indeed it's a fruit of the Holy Spirit. Joy is less an emotional state but more of a habit. It's a way of life if you will. And it's a dynamic virtue that is intended to be both received and given. It has to breathe so it needs to be lived, both interiorly and when we interact with others.
It was explained to me that happiness is a fleeting emotion but the Christian virtue of joy gives us the ability to smile through our tears when that happy state ceases. It's what sets Christians apart from the rest of the world. But it requires a repeated and conscious choice of the heart. Even for the more sanguine type, it takes years to develop the habit of living a joyful life.
2) Be kind to yourself. I think moms of littles (especially those with lots of littles!) naturally cycle through what you are describing. It's hard to find that peaceful state we need when we are in the midst of toddler tantrums and laundry is piling up and it seems we are never getting but only fighting fires all day. But you are also gearing up for a life-changing event in a couple of weeks. You are a great mom! And I think taking inventory of the heart as you physically nest around the home is proof of that.
Prayers friend!
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