"God knew you needed a Catie"

Oh therapy, how I love thee.

Well...this is not entirely true, but how I need thee....at least right now.  Perspective is everything.

Parenting children with special needs is tough work.  Take the responsibilities of your average child, and multiply that by three, at least.  Triple the doctors visits and add to that specialists, surgeries, therapies, tests, and more tests.

Before he turned three Augie had been under anesthesia three times.  Twice for MRIs and once for plastic surgery related to an accident.  Catie, now two and a half, just had her third surgery.  All three directly related to maternal drug use.

We practically know every OT, ST and PT in town.  And are well on our way to understanding the multiple levels of services from early intervention to the inner workings of the intermediate unit.

Would this be my life if I had birthed a child with special needs?  Absolutely.  But this is the life I choose....or rather, the life that choose me.  When Augie was placed with us there were no special needs identified.  We knew he was at risk of mental health issues (aren't we all?).  Since his placement we have been on a wild goose hunt to figure out exactly what is going on in his little mind & body.  Two steps forward, one step back.  He recently re-qualified for services through our IU.  Now we have to figure out whether to enroll him in preschool at age 3 to get him the services he needs.

Catie...we knew.  I feel in love and all the discussion about what we were open to accepting went out the window for love of her.

In discussion with Dr D I confessed I struggled with compassion...before even having children.  His immediate response was "God must have known you needed a Catie."

The paperwork, the appointments, the surgeries, the CONSTANT flow of therapists in and out of my house...it is a lot.  It is tough.  And then there are my children.  The comprehension issues, the speech issues, the attention issues, the behavior issues, the eating issues...they all bring out my crazy.

But then.  Then, there are my children.  The ones whom I so rarely get to step back and see with perspective.  These beautiful little souls that God sent into my life for very distinct purposes.  If they were not bringing out my crazy, my crazy would not be in the process of being healed.  It takes everything inside of me and step back to see them as God sees them.  I fail in doing this every single day.  And yet, God trusts me.  God believes in me.  He sent these poor, needy, struggling, abused little people to a mama who would love them until she had nothing left of herself.  I confessed to a friend that I am not myself during the stressful times.  I am not the person I thought I was.  I am certainly not the mom I thought I would be.  And every day I pick up my broken self and carry on, giving them everything I have within me.  Making the calls, the appointments, scheduling the therapists, the surgeries.  Trying to understand their special needs.  Trying to overcome my inadequacies and frustrations.

And this is the life God choose for me.  Because He knew I needed this.  I needed them.  Heaven ain't for those who just believe.  This is my Mother Theresa journey.  This is my Calcutta.   And I cling to the hope that saints are just the sinners that fall down and get back up.

quick takes from FL

quick taking it from rainy florida and having a wonderful time with family.

1. I have read a couple of blogs about "having babies in an opposite world" and "nfp doesn't work" (awesome Dwija!) and contemplating the general state of feelings towards children.  Why is it that I am shy about revealing this pregnancy to certain people or explaining to strangers this is my fourth?  I am still in shock that this could be the life of a former infertile girl.  But I really truly truly need to work on presenting my JOY and excitement in a more palpable way.  We were the only patrons in Waffle House at 4.30pm yesterday during our commute.  The waitress & cook (both early 20's & female) were gushing over the kids.  When one asked if we planned to have any more my husband said "we have #4 right here!" (pointing to my belly).  We have been fortunate to not have much in the way of negative feedback, but it is certainly a new place of learning & navigating how to present your big family as pure miracle and gift.

2. Pure Challenge.  Pure Joy.

3. With thanks to our babysitters, my husband was able to join me for my skype therapy this week.  It went really well.  It is amazing how the insight of a therapist can help so much.  I am on this journey and I don't want to go it alone.  We learned that when DH comes home and finds me overwhelmed his response is "get out of here and go for a walk".  It sounds nice but when I am overwhelmed walking out on the stress is not what I want, nor helpful for me to relax.  It is really DH's way to "get me out of the way" to accomplish things as he would like.  He also tends to try to hug me during these moments.  I don't receive physical touch well in those situations.  My love language is Quality Time.  Instead, DH was challenged to invite me to step aside for a few minutes and become overwhelmed with me.  It is so nice to have his participation and interest in this process.  I need & look forward to his support as we figure this out together.  The main challenge is discipline....

4. ...and on that topic I will be participating in Finding Greater Joy's discipline series next week.  Look for my post on Thursday.  I can't wait to hear what the other women have to say before me...starting Monday.

5. Loves the sand.  Hates the water.  Life is therapy for this one.

6. My two-less teeth Rosie.  Growing into such a beautiful girl and a wonderful big sister.

7. Off to enjoy the red snapper my DH cooked for dinner.  See you soon! 

why..hello there!

I have dropped off the face of the blog world...and not because I gave blogging up for lent.

I have been busy doing lots of sleeping, eating and otherwise baby growing.  Thank you so much for your wonderful and celebratory words.  Tomorrow I am 9 weeks and "timber" is doing really well.  My 8 week progesterone level came back high, between zones 2 & 3.  Add to that I feel very pregnant...hello stretchy pants.  I am so grateful....SO GRATEFUL to have been given the blessing of maternity again.

I am intensely working on my maternal heart with my therapist.  I had two very very lows in parenting this past month.  An ugly bout of pregnancy hormones led to an ugly bout with anger.  As God's timing and providence would have it, I had a therapy session coinciding with a very bad day.  It is frustrating that my behavior is not changing as fast as I would like.  My mind and heart are definitely being converted and my prayer is that what I am learning will come to mind when it is most needed.

I have recommitted to giving up spanking.  This time no spanking and no yelling for lent.  I read a good article by Dr Sears about avoiding hand spanking as it discourages a natural and healthy curiosity.  This is something my husband had adopted and has agreed to give up, again, as well.

Therapies for my children are on my heart.  We have increased OT services for Catie and began a "sensory diet".  She is deathly afraid of all things fun (sledding, sliding, high swinging, exploring, etc).  I became aware of her height terror recently.  I am hoping the addition of the sensory training will be beneficial.  Meanwhile, I feel Augie is slipping backwards in speech and language.  I keep thinking of Williams Syndrome.  Many of these kids are missed because their personalities shine above their weaknesses.  This is so the case for him.  I am hoping to reopen his case with the therapist that cleared him.

In other news...we just booked a two week vacation to Florida in the mid-spring.  We had hopes of traveling south for Christmas, but with baby due a few months prior, I was not sure about that trip.  Plus I have been dying to visit during the beach months.  One week with hub's family and one week with mine and lots of time with the family in the pool and at the beach.  So. Excited!

Sorry for the hodgepodge.  I have had some beautifully deep thoughts and insights, but am never awake or coherent enough to blog them out.  This post comes courtesy of insomnia.  So, with that, good night/good morning.  I hope to see you again soon.  :)

Quick Takes Friday; learning from therapy

---1---

Since I have "gone there" {to bare-your-soul-blogging} it seems I can't go back.  Try as I may, I have been called to this transparency.  If the Lord can use this for his glory, then I am at His service.

---2---
I am settling into a routine of twice a month skype sessions with Dr. D.  Unfortunately my insurance is not providing coverage because he is considered out of network.  My next steps are to a) fight for coverage and/or b) see if he can come into network.  In the meantime and fortunately, Dr D has placed twice a month appointments as greater priority than payment in full.  A little thanks inserted here to my prayer buddy.

---3---I have been accused of scrupulosity.  I have been reminded by many that I am a good mother to my children.    While I know that I am a good mother...what kind of mother am I if I am not trying to overcome this anger that comes out in this form of a beast in front of my children?  I do not want to spew venom.  This is not why God has entrusted His children to my motherhood.  I am learning that instead of showing anger in response to the inevitable poor choices of my children, I need to learn to show sorrow.  This is one way we can meditate upon & invoke Mary.  Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us.  When our children write on the walls, pee on the carpet, tear up a book, push their siblings, help us to have a sorrowful heart, rather than an angry heart.

---4---
On Tuesday, when faced with a screaming toddler refusing to nap, I had a come to Jesus moment.  This scenario of screaming & refusing to nap is the greatest instance, with this particular child, that causes my anger to manifest.  Twice I repeated the following: walk into room, offer threat of spanking, leave room, return and deliver spanking.  Twice this did nothing but bring about more screaming (of course).  So I went into my room, put in my ear plugs, covered my head with a pillow (one of my usual attempts of coping with this scenario).  Then...I began to pray.  I prayed "Jesus, rock her to sleep.  Jesus rock her to sleep," And you know what???  He replied "That is why I have given her to you.  To be me.  To rock her to sleep."  Okay, hello Jesus.  Truth verified.  I begrudgingly went into her room, picked her out of her crib, returned to my room, put her in my bed, turned my back to her and laid down with her.  And she fell asleep.  Not an extreme act of charity on my part, but a step in retraining myself of be the mother I was created to be.

---5---
The generational curse.  I have a challenging relationship with my mother.  She had a challenging relationship with her mother.  As did my grandmother with her mother.  It is something that I have believed as an inevitable truth for myself.  I had feared having a daughter for this reason.  God sent me my first born, a daughter, for this reason.  To teach me that He is greater than a generational curse.  This was my latest God-given insight, one that has not been unwrapped yet.

---6---
"The mind assents before the heart surrenders."  DP Slattery

This is what is going on with me these days.  My mind is learning, being retrained and assenting to these truths I am learning.  My heart is still in need of surrender.  Conversion.  This is, in a certain sense, overcoming my Dark Night.  This is where I choose to parent as God intends.  To choose the high road, over the weak response.

---7---
I am happy to share my insights.  Please don't let these replace a step that you need (or feel called) to take in your own life.  God intends to meet each of us very personally and care for us where we are and call us forth individually.  As I said, I am humbled if God can use my writing to work on another mother's heart.    That said, I can not imagine benefiting from reading an account to the extent that I am benefiting from my personal  surrender in this form of therapy.

Pray for me.  I will pray for you.

from a person dealing with anger, on this tragedy

I was oblivious up until 3pm.  I got home from my daughter's Christmas pageant only to see my facebook feed filled up by comments from sad and grieving mothers.  I quickly became one of them.  Wondering along with them "how the hell can this happen? What is wrong with people???  What the hell is wrong with our world?"

After I cried...sobbed...I started to think.

St Therese of Liseux said she was capable of the worst kind of crimes.

Reviewing the facebook feed again, I see most of the posts coming from people of faith.  Many, like me, begging our Nation to turn back to God.

What is the difference between this kind of monster and us?  God.  Not in believing He exists, but believing He is bigger than the challenges, the despair, the anger.

I have my own feelings and judgments about modern day psychotherapy.  My therapist has helped me confirm that my suspicions are not far from truth.  He mentioned a place near him called "All About You Therapy."  Is therapy enabling?  Do medications exist to make us comfortably numb to the truth of our sinfulness?

I am in therapy to be held accountable.  To change.  To get this wretched, vile, evil thing out of me so that I can live up to the goodness I was created for.

My homework is to accept humiliation - to feel bad about my bad actions.  To accept whatever I can that will lower me and stop feeding my pride & self love.  I must decrease so he must increase.

I spank for self preservation and in those times I display anger, it is all about me. It should not be about me.  It should be about Him.  Ironically and appropriately my cell phone ring is a song from Audrey Assad titled "For Love of You."

My actions should not be for love of me.  They must be for love of Him.  I can not spank my children because I love God.  I must treat my children with kindness and tenderness for love of Him.

Rosie is in Pre-K.  She could be in Kindergarten   That could be my daughter laying there cold.  :*-(  I sob and shudder at the thought and for the sake of the families.  It is time like this that Satan seems so big.  It is times like this that evil seems insurmountable.  The feeling that I can do everything and it is still not enough to protect my child from this.  and this is when we cry out "God HELP US!"  And - He does!  He is so here.  He is so bigger.  God help our nation turn back to you.  And I am completely speaking of those who profess Christianity.  ALL of us need to turn to you.  You are so missing from our equation.  When we can't make sense of this tragedy, we must turn to you.  God be with us.  Be with our families.  Be with our children.  Be with sinners.  Be with us, sinners.

Lord, most of all tonight, be with the families in Connecticut 

"And in despair I bowed my head;
There is no peace on earth," I said;
For hate is strong, and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

"God is not dead, nor does he sleep,
For Christ is here; His spirit near;
Brings peace on earth, good will to men."

therapy

Life has been pushing in hard.  

This morning the door bell rang, when Rosie's carpool arrived.  She was eating, shoeless and not ready.  I sent her to school with pink shoes (not allowed) and no jacket (and it was in the 30s).  I came home and Augie had peed in his car seat (and all over his 2nd set of clothes for the day) and Catie had pooped out of her diaper and all over her clothes...

I was starting to think about if I need to ask the doc to up my meds to handle the stress.  I have been walking around chanting "i hate....".  I have been calling my kids "you people" and saying words to them that I would not allow them to say to another person.  

....so, this afternoon my children are hungry, tired and 2/3 naked, and it dawns on me, I have a therapy appointment in 5 minutes!!!  

Luckily Mac& Cheese goes down fast, I got the little ones in bed and the big one set up with a movie, grabbed a cup of tea...and logged on to skype. 

And, it was the most incredible blessing and gift to myself.  It was God stepping in to say "I am here in the midst of this."  And I can't explain how the grace flowed.  

The idea of therapy was something that I have long declared that I would never need and certainly I would NEVER go. 

And here I am.  And the bill is big.  But the words are powerful.  In my very limited experience with my therapist, I am starting to gain some very important insights. 

Pride & Self Love. 

My therapist made a joke that unfortunately insurance companies won't accept that as a diagnosis.  

This thing, this monster is big.  My anger feeds it.  Humility, recognizing failure, recognizing it is about Him and not me kills it.  This monster is inside me but it is not me.  

I am so grateful for someone who speaks my language and calls me to a purifying holiness.  It is not about feeling good.  It is about feeling bad at the recognition of my sinfulness and letting God take it from there.  It is about Him increasing and me decreasing.  

Let the work begin.

infertile...still & again

After posting every day of October, I have logged all of 3 posts for November.  Sorry!  :)

Short story...

Miracles are still happening in my life and the anger, though present, has been manageable.  I had my first session with a therapist and he was amazing.  If I can figure out how to finance him...I hope to continue to work with him (more on therapy in a future post). 

Long Story...

One of the issues that came up in our discussion was dealing with infertility.  It occurred to me that I have dealt with many of the bigger issues from my past, but I have never dealt with infertility.  I am convinced it left a big deep wound in me...and especially in my relationship with the Lord.  

With the blessing of children, that wound received a massive sized band aid.  But it was never treated.  It has certainly not healed. 

Perhaps that is the reason why this time is hurting again.  We have been married 10 years.  In all those years we have never tried to avoid pregnancy.  Nine beautiful months I had the joy of experiencing life in my womb (and a few months of natural infertility).  So, essentially, I have had 9 years of unnatural infertility. 

My last 5 years have been filled with the joy of children and the blessings of adoption.  My life has been filled and I did not notice the infertility. At some points I was afraid of ever being open again.  "With all this stress, how on earth could I ever do this again??"  As the kids grow, so does my openness.  But infertile openness & infertile trying are different.  

As a Fertility Care Practitioner I understand that often behavior changes before expressed intention.  For example, a fertile couple may start to use fertile days, or become more lax, before they officially declare they want to try to conceive.  

I have been targeting fertility for longer than I have expressed my openness.  But I fear/dread/loathe the idea of infertile trying.  And I can't do foster care now. That requires it's own openness.  I am not there yet.  

As happy events occur around me, I realize I am still and again..infertile.  And that this...is something that I need to deal with.