Short story...
Miracles are still happening in my life and the anger, though present, has been manageable. I had my first session with a therapist and he was amazing. If I can figure out how to finance him...I hope to continue to work with him (more on therapy in a future post).
Long Story...
One of the issues that came up in our discussion was dealing with infertility. It occurred to me that I have dealt with many of the bigger issues from my past, but I have never dealt with infertility. I am convinced it left a big deep wound in me...and especially in my relationship with the Lord.
With the blessing of children, that wound received a massive sized band aid. But it was never treated. It has certainly not healed.
Perhaps that is the reason why this time is hurting again. We have been married 10 years. In all those years we have never tried to avoid pregnancy. Nine beautiful months I had the joy of experiencing life in my womb (and a few months of natural infertility). So, essentially, I have had 9 years of unnatural infertility.
My last 5 years have been filled with the joy of children and the blessings of adoption. My life has been filled and I did not notice the infertility. At some points I was afraid of ever being open again. "With all this stress, how on earth could I ever do this again??" As the kids grow, so does my openness. But infertile openness & infertile trying are different.
As a Fertility Care Practitioner I understand that often behavior changes before expressed intention. For example, a fertile couple may start to use fertile days, or become more lax, before they officially declare they want to try to conceive.
I have been targeting fertility for longer than I have expressed my openness. But I fear/dread/loathe the idea of infertile trying. And I can't do foster care now. That requires it's own openness. I am not there yet.
As happy events occur around me, I realize I am still and again..infertile. And that this...is something that I need to deal with.
5 comments:
Very profound.
Although we have always been open to life...our healing from infertility came through no longer "trying" to conceive. We closed the door to trying and it opened our hearts to healing. God blessed us with 2 amazing children through the gift of adoption and I can say that I have NO longing for more children right now. We are open to life, but we are not searching for babies who need homes, nor are we trying to conceive.
It is amazing to be healed from that longing...that emptiness I felt for so long.
FYI...our healing came LONG before we were parents. I am not sure how I would deal with that pain while I was trying to raise children. I pray that your therapy is helpful to your healing heart!
You are incredible, E! For some reason, I just thought of what Christopher West said to you. Your love is life-giving...
Soo good. Just schedule the appointments, the $ will come. Just like FCP training, its God's Work and He will finance it.
The wounds of IF are so difficult. It really is a great sorrow that we are asked to live every.single.day. What a way to unite our wills with the Cross. Prayers for your healing!
This post really spoke to me. I'm afraid to admit just how deep the wounds of IF have scarred me. Like you, I'd love to be able to say that with 3 kids in tow, it's all behind me now. But that would be a very big fat ugly lie. I've been struggling to write about it for various reasons but I think it's something worth exploring more deeply.
I agree with E...schedule the appts. Mental health is all part of the holistic model of health and wellness and can't be neglected. God provides and heals in the most mysterious ways.
So important to have that healing. I hope the therapy continues to be fruitful for you!
Post a Comment