7 Days of Blogging - nursing immunity

I have been riding the baby train...with baby brain...but missing putting thoughts on "paper".

I am going to TRY to join with Jen this week and do 7 posts in 7 days.

Today, I have a pile of bills to sort through so I will be very brief.  Quick intro for anyone new to me.  I have four children, in 6 years, after 5 years of infertility.  #1 bio, #2 & #3 adopted from foster care, #4 bio.  (about us)

Stock via

With my first child, I was convinced of nursing immunity.  I was a stay at home mom and she was never sick.  I was sure breastfeeding protected my child from everything.  #2 and #3 were frequently sick as infants.  Now...with #4, "breastfeeding immunity" is not as huge as I thought.  "Joy" is currently recovering from a cold with bronchiolitis, plus double ear infection.  She hates the antibiotics and it is a trial twice a day to get 5ml of the pink stuff into her little resistant, rasberry spitting, tounge pushing mouth.  Baby Joy is not only here to bring me Joy, but also to teach me that bio does not mean better.  More on these thoughts as the week progresses.

a dirty little secret about adoption

As I opened this page to start to write...a thought dawned on me.  I have a book (sitting 2' above my head in my new office book shelves) that I need to read.  I just pulled it off the shelf.

Recently a fellow foster adoptive mom blogged about the importance of touch to our children.  She gushed over the fact that she relished sharing hugs and contact with her kids through the day.  Her three oldest are biological, her two youngest are adopted from foster care.  

I have been struggling with being maternal.  It comes naturally with Rosie (my bio).  It is significantly more challenging with Augie & Catie.  Augie seeks out hugs and love and is very touch oriented...so he does actually get plenty of affection.  Catie is the opposite.  

In the bible study I mentioned recently, my resolution for the week was to comfort my children when they fall or get hurt.  I had to force myself to pick up and embrace Catie yesterday after she tripped.  

Many adoptive families have only grown through adoption...so perhaps they don't experience this to the same extent as myself, for example, with bio & adopted kiddos.  While my love does not differ, and while I would truly do anything for any of them...my maternal affections need some help.  

I have shared before that I feel deeply that these differences come from the lack of bonding through birth and being deprived of the ability to nurse them.  I did not have the physical maternal experience with bonding hormones for Augie & Catie.  This is where "love is a choice" comes into the repertoire.  I recognize this is something I need to change.  Sometimes we have to force change along by doing things that are not natural or comfortable.  

I am not sure if the above book has information to this affect.  I am hopeful that I will be able to report back with more insight on the topic after I have processed it (and hopefully lived it) further.  

foster care: why i lament, but still promote

"He could be your perfect disaster but you could be his ever after!"

I read this quote from Foster2Forever and it struck a chord, especially in light of my Quick Take #4.  Two days before I lamented about bonding, I was telling someone I was going to pray for them to consider foster care.

A blog is essentially a public journal.  While I may be very open about my feelings and the challenges, please don't mistake that for lack of gratitude.  I can not for one second imagine my life without each of my blessings.

Parenting is hard as hell.  Some of what I am trying to accomplish in therapy is the transition from the romantic ideas of what kind of parent I thought I would be to becoming the parent God is challenging me to become.  That idea and the "ideal" (ie romanticized notions) are no where near the reality.  This has to be true for every parent...even if their life looks perfect on a blog.

But the thing is, parenting has nothing to do with how pretty your house looks or how perfect your crafts/snacks/parties are.  That type of parenting is rooted in pride & self love.  That type of parent says it is all about how I look.  I am learning the parent God wants me to be is the one who says it is not about me, it is all about God.  Help me decrease so He may increase.  I embrace the fact that my house is a mess.  God you have lent me these children, your children, help me be the kind of mother that desires their holiness above all else.  Above all images of perfection, above desiring to be the perfect mother, above my unworthiness....let me focus on them...and what it takes to get them to heaven.  That is all I seek.

I feel that I type this out every year, but here goes again.

When we were struggling with infertility, and treatment after treatment did not bring about a positive pregnancy test...all I knew was adoption was so darn expensive.  Why did I have to have 10 or 20K to become a mother?  And when I became a foster mom, I learned that foster care is essentially the American Orphanage.  Except, to adopt from this orphanage costs not a cent.  There is no foreign travel, there are no dossiers, no weeks away from your family, no fundraisers, home equity loans or financial set backs.  This orphanage is fully funded by an in debt government.  And for whatever it is worth...well, I can see why the government is so freakishly in debt...this is a viable option for many couples.  But many of those couples...most of those couples...are too afraid to try.

What if we didn't try?

I can not, not for one second, imagine my life without these two most incredible beautiful gifts.  As much as I lament the chaos, I would not trade it for the world.  These two beautiful kids were meant just for me.

I can not imagine my life without the gift of knowing them and the privilege of raising them.  Augie can light up a room like no one else.  He is truly a  crowd magnet  as I watched tonight at a party.  Seriously everyone loves this kid. Catie is spunky like no one's business and I get to see her overcome her challenges every day.  If I sit back and think about her, I am sure I could come up with a very long list of how she inspires me.  

I am so eternally grateful that we signed up to be foster parents and didn't look back.  

Psalm 27:10 "Even if my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will take me in."

Matthew 18:5 "And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me."

To spiritually consider adoption, to wrap your brain around rescuing an orphan, is to see how you have decreased and He has increased in you.  Adoption is truly so supernatural.  Adoption is truly allowing God control of your life and to offer what you have to His child that is most in need.  I get so caught up in wiping bums, that I forget to consider finding joy in the mundane.  I forget that I am like Mother Theresa on the streets of Calcutta with my own poor & needy.  Insight is everything.  

With such a beautiful new pope who cares so deeply about the poor...I pray that his leadership allows you to consider how you can help the poor.  Adoption....adoption through foster care....is certainly answering that call. 

It is not about me, it is all about you.  Lord Jesus, take control.  

Quick Takes Friday

1.  So my lent commitment was to stay off facebook and try to avoid excess Internet as much as possible.  I am failing miserably.  I have been spending lots of time in bed since my wonderful news, and especially in the past week.

I had been replacing fb time with my news apps.  And then, between a friend having twins (had to stalk on fb) and then the pope, and then I have just down spiraled from there.  Not sure what I need to do, but I need to do something to make the most of the final two weeks of lent.

2. Thank you to everyone for your prayers.  My two complications are "tilted uterus & can't pee" and a fibroid (or fibroids), which seems to make the matter worse.  I have been catheterized for a week and am trying to offer my sufferings constantly.  The last couple days have been pretty darn uncomfortable.  I am ready to rip that thing out.  Ultrasound at 2.30pm today.  My greatest prayer is that my uterus has returned to the correct position - Sts Gianna & Gerard, pray for me!  I need a break from this bag.

3.  Recently we added sensory therapy to Catie's PT & OT schedule.  It sounds like she may need speech as well.  At 2 years, 3 months she is not identifying animals or animal sounds.  She has a great ability to communicate, but there are some gaps missing in her speech.  While her OT is excited about her progress, add this to the list of things I am not thrilled to add to our schedule.  I feel selfish to say this, but three services a week as we add a new person to our family....this is what I signed up for when I adopted my special needs babe.

4. Adoption and motherhood.  Okay....super honest quick take here.  I know adoptive parents so often talk about how there is no difference between their feelings towards their adopted children and their biological children.  From a supernatural faith based perspective, absolutely, this is/should be true.  Adoption is a higher calling than becoming a parent the old fashioned way.  From a natural perspective (and I know I may be in the minority here, but still feel this on my heart to say) there is a difference, for me, that I connect to the lack of bonding through maternity & nursing.  My adopted children have special needs and they happen to be aged two and three (read: very difficult ages).  I am sure parents of all biological children have toughies that they struggle to love the same way as the easy ones.  In saying that, perhaps adoption becomes a moot point, BUT...I feel the need to meditate on and pray for a supernatural love for my children.

At a natural level, our love is imperfect.  We should love as God loves.  And our relationship to God is as His adopted children.  He has TOUGH children.  But HE loves us all perfectly, no matter where we came from or what challenges we present.

Adoption is a higher calling than becoming a parent the old fashioned way.  This statement came up by my therapist.  On a biological level, we have biological bonding agents - hormones during pregnancy, delivery and nursing that bring about the maternal instincts.  (Note: men do not have this same biological experience and my husband has not had the same bonding challenges as me).  With my adopted kids, I lacked those experiences and that natural/hormonal type of bonding.  So now, in my parenting experience, I am trying to rise above what is lacking and be as maternal as I would be to my biological child.  This can only happen with supernatural grace.   I am on the long road to processing and hopefully changing this in my life.

5.  For the record, I know plenty of biological parents who have admitted to me struggles with not being maternal.  In that, I mean relating to my struggles with anger and personal restraint in punishment, etc.  The above is specific to my experience with parenting.  So again, this could be very common in parenting in general. And, in which case, completely wipes out the struggle in my head about adoption as a reason for the chance in my maternal feelings.  Can you tell this is all just being processed?

6.  My favorite Francis meme:

When I first saw Pope Francis standing there I was like "wave, Dude!!"  When you see this picture, it brings out the humility of our new Holy Father.  It makes me chuckle.

7.  Okay, I will close with a netflix recommendation that has been taking up my time (read #1!).  My mother in law recommended "Call the Midwife".  Very good series.   But someone needs to have words with these British film companies that think 6 episodes constitutes a season!

Happy Weekend!

i could never do that

As a foster parent, I hear these words all the time "I could never do that!"  When we were first considering adoption and learned about foster care, we did not choose it as an option.  The uncertainty was scary.  What kind of child would we get?  Would we have to give them up?  We couldn't do it.  We didn't risk it.  But God led us back.

In a discussion with a pro-choice woman on facebook, I was challenged "what have I done about all the unwanted children?"  Telling her I was a foster parent shut her up pretty quickly.  From the perspective of a pro-choice woman, there are thousands of unwanted children in our world and abortion is helping solve that problem.

I am always struck and saddened by the negativity towards adoption.  Most profoundly by women facing an unplanned pregnancy.  I heard it on the MTV show "Sixteen & Pregnant."  I heard it in a discussion with a post-abortive teenager.  I have heard it when counseling women outside of abortion clinics.  "I could never give my baby up for adoption."  WHY do they feel this is the worst thing they could do to that child?

 I am so grateful for adoption!  It has forever changed my life and the life of my children.

Thank you Grace in My Heart for directing me to watch this:



The same women who have stated they could never give up their baby for adoption have most surely at one point in their lives said "I could never have an abortion,"  And then, they are faced with the unimaginable.  A dark dark place with no hope.  And then, in that cloudy, dark, scary place...they decide they have to have an abortion.

So what has happened to our world that in that dark time abortion is the only way out?

I can not even begin to imagine what a woman goes through when she decides to place her baby for adoption.  I can not imagine what she faces when she goes home, without a child in her arms.  I can not imagine her fears and insecurities.  I can not imagine the pain and despair.

And for each woman that makes this choice, there is another woman, another family that is eternally grateful for her.  EVERY child is a wanted child.  How can we get this message out?

Start here.  Read this.
"Adoption is an act of love, mercy, justice and infinite possibilities. It transforms not only the life of the child, but families, communities, and in some cases…the world."

Watch this.


There are no unwanted children.

There are no unwanted children.

There are no unwanted children.

Meanwhile....while we continue to pray for an end to abortion...while we continue to pray for women to have the courage to choose life...please remember there are children in foster care.  There are kids who have not yet found their families.  And there is a great need for foster parents.  And if you are open to a child....another child...You can.  You totally can.  Just ask me how.

Quick Take Friday: facebook edition

1. Happy Friday.  My husband found this posted by MonkRock.  It was too fitting not to share.  Evidently Pride & Self Love is an appropriate diagnosis for all of us.  The real question...how many of us are as repulsed by it as God? 

2. What a wonderful week of playdates. I am enjoying the sounds of my daughter and her friend, who, as I type, are on the other side of my computer watching Cinderella and playing princesses.  Rosie dresses up just about every day, as evidenced by the picture of my lovely princess+bride.  Her playing takes me right back to my childhood.  This precious time of her life where she truly believes that she is a princess and is disappointed when others try to tell her she is not.  I love this age.

In other news, she is so super excited about her first wiggly teeth.

3. As the March for Life approaches my posting on facebook reflects my passion and advocacy.  I think this is the time of the year I am most likely to loose "friends" and be hidden by family that are polar opposites.  I am sure everyone has seen this...but posting it here any how.

Mr President. It is time to listen to your words and your nation. Please look out your window on Jan 25th and see ALL of us who march (now for the 40th year) to be a voice for the 4400 children killed in their mother's wombs every day. Newtown certainly was tragic. Abortion is a holocaust happening every day that is ignored for "convenience". Please rethink your hypocrisy and consider the tremendous value of each of these lives.

4.Speaking of facebook....I feel the pull to step away.  I know I will be giving up the Internet (as much as humanly possible) during Lent.  I was honored when a real life friend read my blog and was inspired by my floating screen post & cancelled her facebook.  

Last night I received an email from a friend who felt lead by the Holy Spirit to send me the text of her Pastor's homily.  The message was about finding God in the busy.  It was also about all the distractions that keep us from seeing/seeking God. Facebook was not only in this homily, but in my head.

The kicker was this morning when I finally read this article in the Catholic Register (that has been sitting by our bathroom for several weeks.  It is called "Make the Most of the Time God Gives You".  Before facebook I was plenty busy and found a hundred excuses to not pray or go to Mass.  Now, how much time do I constantly carve out (read: waste) on facebook.  I have resisted stepping back (except for lent) for years.   It is time I do something about this.

5. When I adopted my son, I found and blocked most of his bio family so they hopefully would not find my pictures shared via facebook.  I have not found my daughter's bio family...which concerns me a bit.  Some of them must be on, and unless I am blocking them, they can find me or possibly see my pictures.  It is easy to be complaisant about what I am sharing and what is being shared.  So...to start the process of weaning I will be deleting the extraneous - photo albums and tags.  I will also be deleting my facebook app.  Is there a patron saint against idolatry?

6. Okay, enough about FB (bleh).   We got two big gifts for Christmas.  A Sodastream and a Keurig.  Here are my reviews. I love the Sodastream.  I am a new fan of fizzy water (or bizzy water as Augie calls it).  Flavored fizzy water is much more interesting to my palate.  I have also been having issues with our newly softened water and feeling thirsty (maybe because it is not as enjoyable to drink).  But adding fizz to the water has miraculously resolved that issue. Also, the kids love the bizzy water so any time I can get them drinking more water, score!  Two thumbs up recommendation for the sodastream.

The Keurig, on the other hand.  It is a total luxury to go to someone's house and find a Keurig.  I LOVE being a guest of a Keurig owner.  I do not, however, love being a Keurig owner.  For four reasons.  1. Soft water is water with salt added.  This does not brew well in a Keurig.  However, even with bottled water, it still tastes off to me.  2. The strength of a k-cup stinks.  It is perfect if I was drinking a tea cup worth of coffee.  For the large mug, I would need a double strength k cup.  Have not found these yet.  The best so far is using the EZ cup with our own coffee.  Better strength and budget friendly.  3. The ease and temptation mean we are drinking way more coffee/tea/chai/hot chocolate than we would normally be drinking.  Which means more sugar/caffeine/calories.  And which also means way more.... 4. Expensive!  Initially I tried to justify the expense that by only brewing a cup, there would be no wasted coffee in the pot.  That argument has no legs to stand on.  Holy expensiveness!  In addition to the fact we are drinking more hot beverages my a little math tells me it is cheaper to by a mug of fresh brewed Starbucks.  I was told that if you can score a k-cup for less than $.50 a cup, it is a good deal.  Well...did you know that with your own mug, you can go to Starbucks and get coffee for $.50?  And that is a travel mug...which would actually take two k-cups.  SO, Starbucks store brewed is actually cheaper than a good deal on Folgers or other more generic coffee.

For the gifter who reads my blog (aren't I a terrible woman!)- we are so grateful for the gift and my husband would give you an entirely different review.  I am excited to entertain with it and have had two opportunities this week to show it off and pamper my guests.

7.   Can not wait to finish this room - our office!  It is next on our to do list.  Drywall this weekend.  The before is wretched....but I am all about humility, right?  Well, this isn't a true before.  This is a living-in-the-room-after-demo-before.  As of now my/our vision is as many bookshelves as we can possibly squeeze into the space and wood counter top custom made desk (large desk with two computer stations and a jet out in the middle that will be my client table.  It has been FOREVER since I have had the luxury of seeing clients in my home.  I am looking forward to an office again.  Hopefully before too long...

our open adoption

When my husband and I started attending adoption training, the idea of an open adoption was a stumbling block.  For him more than me.  It was difficult to imagine "another set of parents" out there.  Fortunately, we moved beyond that hurdle and still signed up.  This year we were awarded an honor by our state representative for our "work with birth families."

We became foster parents with the hope of adopting. When I met Leann* and Rex* they just wanted their son back. Augie was placed with us when he was two months old. Initially, during the drop off for supervised visits, we would exchange the specifics of infant care and nothing else. Eventually maybe I would share a story of something he did or a picture. Occasionally we would listen to them vent their frustrations. It was an awkward way to get to know them.

I was never rooting for them to fail. As things got worse for them, our case became stronger. It wasn't too long before the case passed to adoption. At the last possible second (before their rights were terminated by the court) they signed consents. We met with Leann to discuss what an open relationship would look like to us.  At that time Leann specifically asked that for Augie, we refer to her as Leann.  She did not want to be "Aunt Leann" or some other weird title.  She also recognized we are mom & dad, and gave us the respect of that title.

Since the adoption we have had three visits. The first, with Leann, Augie and me. The second, Leann and two of Augie's half siblings (the first time they were all together). And in December, my husband and I brought Augie to Chuck E Cheese to visit with Leann & Rex.

Each time I am amazed to see the resemblances. Each time Leann expresses her deep gratitude.

Why do we do it?

Well....we went through the adoption process we were open to the instruction.  We had never done this before.  When our social worker suggested visitation, I understood it as something that could be beneficial to Augie later in life.  Basically, it is helpful for them to know he is well taken care of and he will always have an accurate picture of who they are, so as not to imagine his life would have been so much better if he had never been adopted.

While thinking about and preparing for a visit, it is not something I am terribly excited about.  But, after the fact, I am always glad we did it.  Especially the visit with his siblings.  It felt so wonderful to coordinate a simple visit that happened to be the first time in their life they were ever together.  Augie's half bio sister gets so excited.  I am happy to do it for her.

This said, it is something that should be considered on a family by family visit.  At this time, and unless her situation drastically changes, we have no plans for visitation with Catie's bio mother/family.  We do communicate by letter once a year (only once so far).

I look at it as accepting a part of the culture of adoption.  It is also a part of my personality.  I helped organize my high school reunion.  I organized my family reunion.  I guess it seems natural for me to keep people connected.

I will continue to update on this topic through the years.  For now, Augie, age 3, who is chill with just about anyone, finds joy in any chance for a play date.

i love adoption

A few months ago I was blogging about the word ransom, as it applied to adoption.

This is an amazingly beautiful video.  I loved this quote.
"The pure joy of a rescue and a ransom of a child's life is probably the most satisfying thing you can imagine,"

My favorite scene was the reflection of an adopted son about what a deformity means in his home country of Romania.  Every life has value!!  Grab a tissue and watch!


New Film Premiere - I Like Adoption. from ILikeGiving.com on Vimeo.

overcoming anger {day 25} on adoption

So today I want to share a question purposed by the priest in confession two weeks ago.  When he asked, I recoiled.  I did not want to blog about it because I was embarrassed he would even ask such a thing. 

The question: "Are you angry with God for giving you a child with issues?"  "Do you think that if that child was biological, they would have been perfect?" 

When this was asked, nothing about the statement struck me as truth. 
1. I did not feel angry at God.
2. (recited to myself) "I love all my children and there is no difference between them!"

Rosie, my 5 year old biological daughter, has excelled through her developmental milestones.  She is  the greatest joy and a beautiful, incredible miracle. 

Augie is approaching 3.  Catie is approaching 2.  Both are adopted from foster care.  Augie has speech delays, oral stimulation issues, chiari 1 malformation and possibly something else.  He was clinically diagnosed with Williams Syndrome and we are still trying to figure out if he actually has this genetic condition.  Catie was born drug addicted.  She has struggled with feeding issues, feeding tubes, gross motor development, temperament and now eye issues. 

Augie & Catie both receive early intervention (speech, ot, pt) and have been highly involved with doctors and specialists their entire little lives. 

Am I angry with God for giving me a child with issues?

This is a heavy question.  I love all my children desperately and I do not want to live my life without a single one of them. 

Do I feel the same towards my biological child as I do towards my adopted children?

Heavier question. 

I have spent a good amount of time wrestling with the facts.  I did not get to nurse or co sleep with my adopted children.  As a result we turned to cry it out, because I could not comfort them in the same way I naturally comforted my daughter.  Was there early bonding differences?  Absolutely.  Bonding with a foster child takes time.  It is often an arduous process while you are wondering if you can let your heart go there. 

We have an open relationship with Augie's parents.  I hear from her regularly.  My heart is constantly wrestling with the fact that there is another mother out there.  Another father who loves him.  He is mine.  But not quite entirely. 

I am sure I will be dealing with this with Catie before long. 

God has chosen me to be mama to these two special people.  I am so thankful.  I can not imagine a quiet life without them.  I am SO SO SO grateful Rosie gets to be a big sister.  She is an incredible big sister. 

I can not answer the question, but it challenges my heart. 

Adoption would not exist without sin. 

To some degree or another this is all about dealing with the sucky brokenness of our world.  I wish my children were not broken.  I wish my children were all biologically mine. 

Our God is a God of Redemption.  Out of the ashes we rise.  He has given me an incredible mission.  To redeem my children*.  That is my purpose.

* Theologically....I know it is God that is redeeming them.  But when I look up the definition of redemption, it is beautiful.  I am rescuing them and I am claiming them.  I am giving them to God to do the rest.

~~~~~~~~
miracle alert: Yesterday I was talking about PMS knocking on my door. Today my period arrived. What??? Woah?? This evening I asked my husband, "did you notice my pms?" "No." And I am certain my children did not notice. For me, this is huge!

help bring peter home

so, i was clicking around blogland tonight...

Thanks to Grace (and grace) I clicked the second link over to Heidi.  As I am reading down her adoption post I suddenly see a picture of my friend, Alison.  I think, "why is she on here?" and did a major double take when I realized why the picture of her family was on that blog.

Wow.  I am truly speechless.  Start clicking to find out why. Or just click on Heidi and help bring Peter home!

adoption loss, please pray for my friends

My dear friend Alison has spent the last months preparing her heart, her family and her home to adopt a beautiful little girl diagnosed with Spina Bifida in an adoption story that God perfectly orchestrated. 

They spent the past week welcoming Seraphia Caritas and being by her side through surgery, recovery.  They brought her home, introduced her to the boys. 

And then, the birth mother changed her mind. 

My heart is breaking for them. 

Please keep the O family in your prayers.

Quick takes v.2

1.  I am on a roll, right?  I try to blog at least weekly.  With Catie's adoption under our belt, there is nothing to report in the fostering or adoption fronts.  While our life is anything but quiet...my blogging mind is at rest a bit.

2. Camping.  I have signed up our family for a camping trip.  The idea of our whole family in one tent is a bit terrifying.   My husband and I have always camped.  We camped at least annually with our daughter.  Last year we camped for the first time with our son (and had Catie in respite care).  So...it should be an adventure.  Stories to follow in July.  Though we plan a practice round on the Great American Backyard Camping Day - Saturday June 23rd. 



3.  Speaking of our backyard.  We are hosting a party.  A outdoor "drive in"movie.  This is the 25th anniversary for The Princess Bride and (almost) 70th anniversary of the drive in movie.  So, we are inviting our freinds to join us on the lawn.  I am so excited!

4. Food.  My tummy is grumbling.  I have been struggling to find the motivation & food to feed our family lately.  I hate grocery shopping.  I hate preparing a meal only to have the kids refuse, complain or worse (spit it all over themselves, the floor, etc).  <---- the event that had me praying "Body of Christ, Save Me!  this week.  If anyone has simple lunch or dinner ideas, sites or pins, share them!  I know the garden harvest will help soon.

5. The Garden. 

Okay.  We have had a garden for years and can never seem to get it right.  Every year is more and more tweaking.  THIS is the year of "let no bird, nor rabit, nor squirel, nor deer feast upon our garden." We have fencing surrounding and have now netted the top.  Hopefully this message goes to the moles and snakes too.  This is our first year letting go of the squares and tilling the ground.  We have invading grass and I have to figure out that.  Next year the change needs to be soil testing and more composting. 

6.  Adoption!  Please join me in praying for a fellow blogger, Grace in My Heart.  They are a super family and any child would be so very lucky to be theirs.  If you know of a potential birth family or adoption opportunity please keep them in mind. 

And, please consider supporting my friends in fundraising for the adoption of a special little girl due in July with Spina Bifida.  Thier story is so incredible (hello God!).  Alison has created an adoption botique "Nestling In: Adopting Love" with beautiful necklaces, so supporting them can be as simple as purchasing a gift for yourself or someone special.   

7. Dance Recital weekend.  As of this weekend I am a dance mom.  I am not entirely sure that I will be embracing this role for long - if you could only have seen some of those little girls at the rehersal shake their little hips, you would know what I mean.  Rosie has promised to not "do her own thing" and to try to be a part of her team.  I had to talk her down when she told me she was going to be the star.  She accepted that she would not be the star, then asked if she could still be a princess.  Yes, Rosie.  You will always be a princess.  <---and yes, I am that mom.

today we marched for life

 and on a lighter note...yesterday we ate ice cream. 

a blog post SO worth sharing

TIME magazine chatters, THIS BLOG is a must read. "I don’t much care if you breastfed your kid until they started kindergarten, or if you fed them formula from day one....When it comes to issues of motherhood, there is one issue I care about: some kids don’t have one."

And now...go search some photo lists yourself:

steeped in motherhood

When I had my daughter after 5 years of infertility, motherhood was sheer bliss.  It was incredible!  I was sleep deprived and it was challenging - but I WAS A MOM!  I had given birth to a precious teeny little angel.  I was the source of comfort, nutrition...love.  I carried her in a sling.  I used beautiful new cloth diapers.  I nursed on demand.  I co-slept.  Attachment parenting to the fullest! 

And then my beautiful, teeny angel became a toddler. 

She was very loud.  She did not love to sleep.  She pulled out all the toilet paper, spilled out all the dog food and wrote all over herself...daily.  At one point she even added a LARGE family portrait to her bedroom wall in marker.  One of her many graffiti art projects.  All the while, she was so precious and, though challenging, we wanted to add to our family more than ever.

 After secondary infertility, we were so blessed to become parents again through foster care. 

Augie came in with a bang.  He was sick.  He took out our whole family for the first month.  As a foster mom the bonding came slowly.  We were not permitted to co-sleep.  Slowly, those not so new cloth diapers were more of an inconvenience when dropping him off for family visits.  My hands were full.  I was content and for the first time ever in my married life, I was not actively seeking to conceive. 

After another year, I had another toddler on my hands.  This one particularly loved to eat dirt.  Also coal, stink bugs and dog food. 

And slowly my desire for motherhood again grew stronger.  I refused to get a family picture because it seemed a spot in our family was missing.  Rosie was praying for a sister.  My heart was open to another child.  And with that, Catie arrived.

Catie can scream like nobody's business.  Same as before, no co sleeping.  By now cloth diapers are lucky to be used as rags once in awhile.  Graffiti is a regular part of our home decor.  And sadly, cry it out is often all we can manage.  By bedtime, i am done. 

With her recent adoption, following Augie's 2011 adoption, my hands and my heart are overflowing.  Six years ago, I would not believe this could possibly be my future.  I am so blessed.  It is helpful for me to take a minute, sit back and see this.

"I know that God won't give me more than I can handle"

And God trusts me quite a bit.  Rosie is 4, Augie is 2, Catie is 1.  All that suffice to say the glow of new motherhood has worn off and I am now fully steeped in motherhood. 

When Augie reached that lovely age of toddler, I felt the strong need to address my PMS.  I added an anti-anxiety med and for awhile that seemed to take the edge off my mood swings.  Well, meds like that add a host of other troubles.  For example, NEVER try to just stop taking them.

After time, that little blue pill wasn't helping.   It was increasingly difficult to respond calmly to a stressful child situation.  One of my New Year's resolutions was to stop spanking.  I am against spanking for so many reasons.  IF (and I don't believe there is) a legitimately good reason for spanking, I was not using those reasons.  I was spanking because I was angry.

Recently I stopped by the Padre Pio Shrine to thank him for interceding and bringing Catie into our family.  I had two kids in the car and really only stopped because I was driving by.  I did not enter a building.  I simply pulled up to this statue, said thank you and touched the stigmata in his statue hand. 

Before my car even got back to the main road, I was sobbing.  Suddenly, the state of my soul was apparent and I had an immense need for confession NOW.  As I continued the drive to see family I was crying an ugly, purgative cry.  Fortunately, I know a few priests and I was blessed to find a confessor and attend adoration...while my family visited with the kids.  Confession is the big opportunity for reset, as my confessor encouraged. 

So now, I am struggling through this.  My greatest hope and prayer is to love my kids with a positive, affirming kind of love.  It has been a good week...but PMS is looming (side note, I am free of the little blue pill (yay!) and working with a NaPro MD on a more natural PMS treatment) I put this out there because I need to.  Accountability?  Prayers?  Yes.  The reality of my parenting is not as beautiful as a blog always seems to indicate.  And so I pray.

Padre Pio, please help!  Help me and all the mothers who struggle to be patient and kind in the midst of stress.  Help us to find the grace necessary to walk away.  Help us to build up our children and not tear them down. 

One of my favorite prayers and the one I am praying for this intention.

The Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen

it's official

and forever!

Adoption Day, 20 hours to go!

Maura Catherine...welcome to our family! 

On April 28th of last year I prayed at St Gianna's shrine, on her feast day and with her relics for our family to grow.  One week to the day later I met  you for the first time and fell madly in love.  It was a bit of a roller coaster, but you were truly meant for us.  You have filled our lives with so much joy and love.  We love you and are counting the minutes until 10am tomorrow when it is finally and forever official.  Wednesday you will become a part of our forever family.  Saturday, St Gianna's feast day (April 28th) we will be giving thanks for you.  Sunday, St Catherine of Siena's feast day, we will be baptizing you (on your name's day) and you will forever become a part of God's family. 

XOXOXO
With all our love,
mama & papa

the challenges of open adoption

I was asked to guest post next week on Foster2Forever about the benefits of open adoption.  I am not usually at a loss for words, but it has been a challenging post to compose.  I firmly believe in the benefits of open adoption.  The ironic part is we are in the middle of a challenging situation that will impact Catie's life.

Back in the summer we went through a court battle with bio-aunt and bio-uncle who were fighting for Catie to be theirs.  It was a very unique set of circumstances.  Ultimately, the county did not feel it was in her best interest.  Their lawyer essentially represented us (as county foster parents) to keep her.  I was asked to testify in front of biological parents and relatives about how we love Catie, how she reacts negatively following visits with the aunt and how she is thriving in our routine.  The judge made it very clear how important she felt the family connection was.  She had me stand up in the back of the court room and asked what I saw could work to allow Catie to maintain a relationship with her Aunt and Uncle.  I stated that I had once a month visits in mind.  The judge seemed to accept this and challenged the Aunt to accept this (who was clearly emotionally upset from the decision that Catie would not be theirs).  No visitation was ordered, essentially leaving degree of contact in our hands.

Since that time we have scheduled a once a month visit with the Aunt & Uncle.  I talk to the aunt on the phone.  It is a very brief conversation.  I drop Catie at the door (where the uncle picks her up).  The Uncle returns her to my house three hours later.  In 6 months, I have not physically seen the Aunt.

I asked to set up a breakfast meeting with the Aunt & Uncle.  Primary motivation, we don't know them.  They have not extended themselves to us or attempted to form a relationship with us.  Secondary motivation, to put the ball in their court for scheduling visits.

That breakfast meeting was this morning.

Bottom line, I do not feel comfortable with Catie having unsupervised visits in their home.  There are other members of the household whom I do not trust to be unsupervised with my daughter.  I KNOW that if I offer park visits, offer to come with Catie to supervise, etc etc, it is going to upset the aunt, who specifically wants unsupervised visits in her home.

But.  She is our daughter.  It is our job to protect her and keep her from harm.  I know that this will likely be the last we see or hear from the aunt (who after this morning still believes we are okay with monthly unsupervised visits).

We are taking this to prayer.  Truly seeking God's will.  Please pray with us for this situation.

the invites are waiting to go out

This weekend we took a photographer with us to the museum to get some family pictures and some Catie pictures.  I was so excited I ordered invitations the same night as well as two family canvas pictures (it was bogo at easycanvasprints). 

Augie & Catie were a bit miserable, so I am really blessed we got some good ones.  Our favorite one, we were tying to keep the babies from screaming and were just throwing sticks in the stream.  Our photographer got us from across the stream.  I wrote the post and am dying to share that one!  A few more weeks and you can see our full family picture.

Six weeks, to be exact.  Six weeks until the adoption, baptism, party and pictures!

diagnosed

Today my son was clinically diagnosed with Williams Syndrome.

A few weeks ago my brother, a medical student, mentioned that Augie had textbook characteristics.  I looked it up and was surprised.  Not only by the facial features, but the personality traits.  Primarily speech delays and super friendly, even to strangers.

From early on there have been things going on.  A mother's instinct, you could say.  The first month he was in our care we were at his Pediatrician four separate times.  Dx: bronchiolitis and pre-asthmatic.  He had these mini, mild (never-quite-diagnosed-as) seizures. Even today, I am not sure they were seizures...possibly temperature sensitivity (he wakes up cold and it takes him longer than usual to warm up, he is usually shivering during this time).  His forehead also had an unusual attraction to concrete.

If you look closely at this picture, it has been Photoshopped...along with many others, to attempt to conceal the bruisey head in otherwise cute pictures.  

We first met with a pediatric neurologist around his first birthday.  One tight heel cord led to two MRIs which led to two diagnoses: 1. Possible Tethered Cord (this is a mild form of Spina Bifida....I think this was a 'CYA' dx on the part of the radiologist, I don't think he has this, but it will be monitored over time).  2. Chiari 1 Malformation (an incidental finding that we are blessed to know in the event of future problems). 

Oh yeah...and as I mentioned before, speech delays.  He was in weekly OT from 6-18 months old at which point he qualified out.

So, in a nutshell, we have been hot on the trail of whatever THIS was for a while now.  The conversation with my brother was not a shocker.  It will take about two weeks for a confirmation by way of the genetic test.  But, as soon as we stepped into the geneticist's office, he was throwing out all these words and quickly confirmed the clinical diagnosis.

So, tonight, I read.  I research.  And the reality starts to sink in.

In my reading words like "mental retardation" and "adult day homes" stand out.  As do "shorter life expectancy" and "lack of social boundaries".  I am encouraged that he is highly functioning.  As a whole, he is doing so well.  He is a beautiful, amazing, sweet little boy.  He is my heart.  Tonight my heart hurts a little as I attempt to process what this means for his future.  He has a 50% chance of passing this on to his children (though many WS adults don't have the ability for lasting relationships).  That is one of a long list of what may lay ahead for an adult with WS.

So many random things are running through my head.
- I am grateful for the show Parenthood and processing the idea of life with a a special needs child.
- God intended us to be parents to special needs kids, before we even met Catie.
- I am glad I enrolled Rosie in pre-K to have some time to focus on the needs (and OT appointments) for the babies this upcoming year.
- I am grateful for a Catholic special needs school very near by, and that adoption subsidies would likely cover any cost involved.   

I am sad.  I want to cry.  This will impact our future...and certainly, obviously his.  I know there is undiscovered joy and greater meaning that will be revealed over time.  For now...we are processing.