foster care: why i lament, but still promote

"He could be your perfect disaster but you could be his ever after!"

I read this quote from Foster2Forever and it struck a chord, especially in light of my Quick Take #4.  Two days before I lamented about bonding, I was telling someone I was going to pray for them to consider foster care.

A blog is essentially a public journal.  While I may be very open about my feelings and the challenges, please don't mistake that for lack of gratitude.  I can not for one second imagine my life without each of my blessings.

Parenting is hard as hell.  Some of what I am trying to accomplish in therapy is the transition from the romantic ideas of what kind of parent I thought I would be to becoming the parent God is challenging me to become.  That idea and the "ideal" (ie romanticized notions) are no where near the reality.  This has to be true for every parent...even if their life looks perfect on a blog.

But the thing is, parenting has nothing to do with how pretty your house looks or how perfect your crafts/snacks/parties are.  That type of parenting is rooted in pride & self love.  That type of parent says it is all about how I look.  I am learning the parent God wants me to be is the one who says it is not about me, it is all about God.  Help me decrease so He may increase.  I embrace the fact that my house is a mess.  God you have lent me these children, your children, help me be the kind of mother that desires their holiness above all else.  Above all images of perfection, above desiring to be the perfect mother, above my unworthiness....let me focus on them...and what it takes to get them to heaven.  That is all I seek.

I feel that I type this out every year, but here goes again.

When we were struggling with infertility, and treatment after treatment did not bring about a positive pregnancy test...all I knew was adoption was so darn expensive.  Why did I have to have 10 or 20K to become a mother?  And when I became a foster mom, I learned that foster care is essentially the American Orphanage.  Except, to adopt from this orphanage costs not a cent.  There is no foreign travel, there are no dossiers, no weeks away from your family, no fundraisers, home equity loans or financial set backs.  This orphanage is fully funded by an in debt government.  And for whatever it is worth...well, I can see why the government is so freakishly in debt...this is a viable option for many couples.  But many of those couples...most of those couples...are too afraid to try.

What if we didn't try?

I can not, not for one second, imagine my life without these two most incredible beautiful gifts.  As much as I lament the chaos, I would not trade it for the world.  These two beautiful kids were meant just for me.

I can not imagine my life without the gift of knowing them and the privilege of raising them.  Augie can light up a room like no one else.  He is truly a  crowd magnet  as I watched tonight at a party.  Seriously everyone loves this kid. Catie is spunky like no one's business and I get to see her overcome her challenges every day.  If I sit back and think about her, I am sure I could come up with a very long list of how she inspires me.  

I am so eternally grateful that we signed up to be foster parents and didn't look back.  

Psalm 27:10 "Even if my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will take me in."

Matthew 18:5 "And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me."

To spiritually consider adoption, to wrap your brain around rescuing an orphan, is to see how you have decreased and He has increased in you.  Adoption is truly so supernatural.  Adoption is truly allowing God control of your life and to offer what you have to His child that is most in need.  I get so caught up in wiping bums, that I forget to consider finding joy in the mundane.  I forget that I am like Mother Theresa on the streets of Calcutta with my own poor & needy.  Insight is everything.  

With such a beautiful new pope who cares so deeply about the poor...I pray that his leadership allows you to consider how you can help the poor.  Adoption....adoption through foster care....is certainly answering that call. 

It is not about me, it is all about you.  Lord Jesus, take control.  

Quick Takes Friday; learning from therapy

---1---

Since I have "gone there" {to bare-your-soul-blogging} it seems I can't go back.  Try as I may, I have been called to this transparency.  If the Lord can use this for his glory, then I am at His service.

---2---
I am settling into a routine of twice a month skype sessions with Dr. D.  Unfortunately my insurance is not providing coverage because he is considered out of network.  My next steps are to a) fight for coverage and/or b) see if he can come into network.  In the meantime and fortunately, Dr D has placed twice a month appointments as greater priority than payment in full.  A little thanks inserted here to my prayer buddy.

---3---I have been accused of scrupulosity.  I have been reminded by many that I am a good mother to my children.    While I know that I am a good mother...what kind of mother am I if I am not trying to overcome this anger that comes out in this form of a beast in front of my children?  I do not want to spew venom.  This is not why God has entrusted His children to my motherhood.  I am learning that instead of showing anger in response to the inevitable poor choices of my children, I need to learn to show sorrow.  This is one way we can meditate upon & invoke Mary.  Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us.  When our children write on the walls, pee on the carpet, tear up a book, push their siblings, help us to have a sorrowful heart, rather than an angry heart.

---4---
On Tuesday, when faced with a screaming toddler refusing to nap, I had a come to Jesus moment.  This scenario of screaming & refusing to nap is the greatest instance, with this particular child, that causes my anger to manifest.  Twice I repeated the following: walk into room, offer threat of spanking, leave room, return and deliver spanking.  Twice this did nothing but bring about more screaming (of course).  So I went into my room, put in my ear plugs, covered my head with a pillow (one of my usual attempts of coping with this scenario).  Then...I began to pray.  I prayed "Jesus, rock her to sleep.  Jesus rock her to sleep," And you know what???  He replied "That is why I have given her to you.  To be me.  To rock her to sleep."  Okay, hello Jesus.  Truth verified.  I begrudgingly went into her room, picked her out of her crib, returned to my room, put her in my bed, turned my back to her and laid down with her.  And she fell asleep.  Not an extreme act of charity on my part, but a step in retraining myself of be the mother I was created to be.

---5---
The generational curse.  I have a challenging relationship with my mother.  She had a challenging relationship with her mother.  As did my grandmother with her mother.  It is something that I have believed as an inevitable truth for myself.  I had feared having a daughter for this reason.  God sent me my first born, a daughter, for this reason.  To teach me that He is greater than a generational curse.  This was my latest God-given insight, one that has not been unwrapped yet.

---6---
"The mind assents before the heart surrenders."  DP Slattery

This is what is going on with me these days.  My mind is learning, being retrained and assenting to these truths I am learning.  My heart is still in need of surrender.  Conversion.  This is, in a certain sense, overcoming my Dark Night.  This is where I choose to parent as God intends.  To choose the high road, over the weak response.

---7---
I am happy to share my insights.  Please don't let these replace a step that you need (or feel called) to take in your own life.  God intends to meet each of us very personally and care for us where we are and call us forth individually.  As I said, I am humbled if God can use my writing to work on another mother's heart.    That said, I can not imagine benefiting from reading an account to the extent that I am benefiting from my personal  surrender in this form of therapy.

Pray for me.  I will pray for you.

help bring peter home

so, i was clicking around blogland tonight...

Thanks to Grace (and grace) I clicked the second link over to Heidi.  As I am reading down her adoption post I suddenly see a picture of my friend, Alison.  I think, "why is she on here?" and did a major double take when I realized why the picture of her family was on that blog.

Wow.  I am truly speechless.  Start clicking to find out why. Or just click on Heidi and help bring Peter home!

the isolation of motherhood

I am a baby mama.  That was the label given to me recently after I poured out my heart to a beautiful group of mothers.  God willing I will meet with some of these women on a regular basis and god willing it will not be all about me.  They empathized with my position, reminiscing about just how difficult it is to parent little people.  They of course kept things real by telling me "little kids = little problems, big kids = big problems".  Ultimately, just sharing was hugely helpful.

I joined this group after reading half way through Suburban CEO an old website from my favorite blogger.  It is far time I return to the site and continue reading.

The idea of feeling fulfilled by motherhood is so so far away from me right now.  I read other mom blogs and the beautiful crafts, the beautiful pictures...the beautiful life of motherhood - just seem so far off.  Treading water and trying not to drown more adequately describes life. 

I could make a list of all the crazy things that my kids do for empathy or humor.  With Rosie approaching the age of five I am seeing the impact of every little thing I do upon her formation.  Let's just say that when I sin, that sin is multiplied.

Most days are rough.  Today was especially rough.  At the end of the day I called my husband at work and cried.  Then I hugged my daughter and asked if I am a good mom.  Not the answer I wanted.  :-/

I know in my heart there is good in my motherhood.  I have been called to the vocation of marriage and the desire for children was imprinted on my being.  I prayed and begged God for motherhood for 5 years before I was so blessed with the gift.  Now that gift sits on my chest like a massive weight, taking every ounce of my being.  I am being poured out and emptied beyond where I ever thought possible.

If it was just me an my motherhood, I would not survive.  I am fighting with everything inside of me.  Fighting to stay connected.  Fighting to stay accountable.  Fighting to let the good of my motherhood declare victory over the bad.  And most importantly, surrendering to God.

Body of Christ, save me

Body of Christ, save me

"A tired body counsels the mind: 'Stop working now.  Let us rest together.' And we know what happens when the mind refuses to follow the direction of the body.  A very fatigued body can lie awake all night long because the mind says, 'No, I will keep on thinking', when the body has said, 'It's time to stop now and for us to go to sleep together.'  Body and soul cannot sleep apart...
...Christ is the perfect whole person, body and soul working in perfect coordination. Just as it is his animating principle alone that will sanctify ours, so it is to his body that we must turn when we are torn by temptation, racked by passion, week in langour, dispirited with fatigue, when our bodily desires get out of hand....Ought this not be a favorite prayer in time of temptation...'Body of Christ, save me!"
from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Today is Peak+10.  For non charters out there, that means PMS big time.  It has been a bit rocky.  Yesterday was a ridiculously challenging day.  The little two were HORRIBLE.  Thanks be to God we were home and even more so, that my husband was home with me.  Catie and Augie were in a battle of the screaming, nothing could squelch them.  I am not talking about a fun, playful type of screaming.  More of a blood curdling, I am about to die type of screaming.  Nothing we could do was resolving this screaming (they were feeding off each other).  It lasted nearly an hour. 

Bedtime lasted two hours beyond normal and that was after the end of the screaming.  My husband's one comment was to be careful what we are shouting as our windows are open and we have neighbors that live close.  Evidently I said something to Augie about needing a spanking.  No one was spanked.  That was a miracle.

When our anger is raging, we must cry out "Body of Christ, save me!"

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.

reflections on Anima Christi

Thank you for the beautiful and heartfelt reflections following my last post.  It can be challenging to be  publicly honest...especially in the world of foster/adoptive parenting.  I felt the risk was worth it and your responses affirm that for me.

I was gifted with this lovely little reflection book to process the beautiful prayer that I mentioned, The Anima Christi.

I am going to try to share some of these beautiful reflections for my benefit, and possibly yours.

Anima Christi, Sanctifica MeSoul of Christ, sanctify me

"Our weakened and damaged soul, yet so beautiful and glorious and full of potential for eternal perfection, must find the strength to actuate its potential, not in itself, but in Christ....Perfect human fulfillment is to allow one's self to be completely taken over by Christ...The more Chrirstlike we are, the more animated we are...We are progressively "dead" insofar as we do not live in Christ."

Last year there was a "children's" book relased.  It's crude title related to an attitude that parents may regress to while dealing with a tough bedtime.  It trended on facebook.  The title stuck in my head and unfortunately now enters my mind on occasion.  I wish that I could erase those words from my mind. 

Without Christ we are dead.  We need to seek to be "taken over by Christ." 

"When we pray 'Anima Christi, sanctifica me' we are indeed making a bold and dangerous prayer, a tremendously exacting prayer.  We are saying we want to be emptied out, to experience our own kenosis as Christ experienced his, totally given, totally spent.  'Soul of Christ, sanctify me.'  It will not be painless.  No passion ever was."from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.