Single Dad Laughing

Thanks to facebook, I just found what has to be one of the fastest growing blogs ever. After spending 15 minutes reading through his blog...my opinion, I like this kid. He was born in 1980, the same year as my baby brother. He has been through two divorces and is caring for his adopted son as a single father. His writing is PHENOMENAL. He started this blog just 4 months ago.

As someone who is going through the adoption process, I really appreciate his adoption blogs. Specifically, How much did your kid cost? I need to go back to FB and share that. And, I always love a good adoption story: Noah, an adoption tale.

What led me to find his site, however, was an article that several of my facebook friends shared. The article is worthless women and the men that make them. Very profound and intuitive. I am grateful to have a husband that does not stop and does not look. And yes, I am guilty of being that woman. If you haven't yet, go read!

Reflections (from Paul)

Today we attended a fostering fall festival. It was an ideal day with frost in the morning and mid sixties all day and fall colors at their peak. There were so many foster parents and children there. It really makes you feel good that you are part of something that is contributing to the good of the community. With out all the wonderful people, where would all these kids be today? I admit it took me a while to warm up to the idea of being a foster parent. My first thought was fostering was like being a long term baby sitter. Through our time with "SBR" I have come to realize that I am providing a child with a stable home life. I am giving him a foundation in which to grow, be loved, and most of all, I am providing him with a a family and a life he would not otherwise have. Some people have called it "noble". I just feel that God has led us in this path. It truly helps me understand something that I always wondered, how St Joseph felt toward his Son.

the long gestation

A few years back a friend was telling me about her plans to adopt from Guatemala. She showed me a photograph of her dossier (international adoption application) and referred to it as her ultrasound picture. Not long after that, they got their referral and in less than a year, brought their son home.

Adoptions involve a long gestation.

I found out today that the court date for termination of parental rights (TPR) is Feb 28th. Somewhere along the line Paul and I got the false notion that we could potentially adopt by the end of the year. I had my heart set on that. As we discovered reality...most foster adoptions in our county don't happen before 13 months after the child has been in care. That is a fast adoption in the foster world.

We had court on Tuesday. No surprises, everything went as planned. We were told that we could possibly have a court date for TPR set by the end of the year. Okay, expectations in check. Hope reset for TPR by the end of the year. Today, I am given the date of TPR on 2/28. Reset again. 30 days after TPR, the appeal time frame, with no appeals we can file petitions for adoption. So...3/28. And then, how long? (Oh, and for the record, as of now, neither parent is signing. So we are looking at 2/28 for involuntary termination.)

I was also informed that because of the circumstances, that the baby has a potential family adoptive resource, our case may have to go before the judge to determine who should be the adoptive family. Hmmph. I have confidence that we have a strong case. But, hmmph. Normally the social worker said it is pretty straightforward to recommend the foster parents are the adoptive resource. Something about new kinship laws, etc etc. So this part confused me, baby's social worker said that if she can get away with it, with her supervisor's permission, she will write a letter to the aunt stating she is no longer being considered as a resource. I will dance the happy dance if that happens.

It is difficult to keep straight all the details and scenarios. I mentioned this to the social worker. She advised me to love the baby and she will do the rest.

So....I sit here and "gestate". Four months to TPR. Our plan is to wait until that happens before changing baby's name. We still have to pick one. I can't exactly do much nesting. I am too busy pulling miscellaneous items out of baby's mouth and doing the diaper, feed, nap, diaper, feed, nap, diaper, feed, sleep routine. All things considered, it is a pretty good thing that I have this munchkin to keep me occupied during this time period.

Do I eagerly trade the certainty of a foreign adoption for having the baby in my arms? Ummm...the jury is still out on that.

I am not exactly sure when a foster gestation starts, but I am going to go with date of placement with us. March 1. Thinking forward, a 13 month "gestation" until adoption is not likely. I will keep praying it won't be much longer than that. And I will really be praying this is not an elephant gestation (22 month process), at this point, I will settle for giraffe (15 months).

Quick Court Update

Another review hearing behind us. No surprises (thanks to God). Next review hearing March 22nd. We are also hoping for a TPR hearing (termination of parental rights) before that.

Thank God for Infertility

Last night I had an annual mandatory foster parent meeting. The foster parents of my county filled a small auditorium (I would say there was a couple hundred).

After the meeting I had a chance to talk with someone who received her first placement, a 2 year old boy and 4 year old girl, a month after we received SBR. We talked for awhile and I was thinking of the two other families I know that foster-adopted from my county. As we were commiserating...I realized we all go through the exact same thoughts, same fears....I started to reflect. In my reflection I have to thank God for infertility.

If it were not for our infertility (I speculate that is a common link between us), these 6 children would not be a part of our families. Certainly, not all foster parents deal or have dealt with infertility...but a good number of us do. A good number of us are doing this to build our families. Even though the goal is reunification, and we know this, we are desperately hoping to keep our kids.

My baby needed me to need him. So many kids need parents to open their hearts, their homes and "RISK IT" for them. Is it terrifying? Yes! Rest assured, there are many of us are in the exact same boat.

I am so glad I finally got a chance to catch up with this mom. She had two biological and 6 months ago got the most adorable sibling group. Some people are a bit more nervous in demeanor...I think she is one. I don't know if it is that our case is different, that we are in the adoption unit already. She is more terrified, more nervous, more uncertain. Her case is more uncertain. That said, in the back of my head, in the recess of my heart, I know my case is not certain either. At any time, anything can happen. She described two cases she heard about where babies were removed from their foster families on Christmas eve. She has begged her social worker not to do this to her.

So I think of us. The four families I am pretty familiar with. Ours and three others. I would say two of us moms come across more confident in nature, two, more unconfident. Two families have successfully adopted. Two families on the roller coaster. We look to them for hope, for reassurance. We are praying God blesses us the same way.

Four days to court. The thought of court puts a pit in my stomach (did I refer to myself as confident??). I have been told the parent visits are changing after court. Instead of two hours every week, mom will have one hour every other week. Visits spacing is a good sign.

As I type, I am watching SBR try to get into everything. Yesterday I pulled a half eaten blue crayon out of his mouth. This week, stink bugs, leaves, dirt. He is truly my vacuum cleaner, not in a good way! But we love him, in all his 10 month old craziness.

Looking in the crowd last night, I saw dozens of prayer caps. There are so many Mennonite foster parents. I am pretty sure most of them are foster parents because of infertility. Our foster son's sibling will be adopted by a Mennonite family in less than two weeks. This is their fourth adoption.

It makes me think of where we sat 5 years ago. Struggling with the idea of starting our family through adoption. Taking to my husband about his fears of not having his child look like him. Praying he would bend; praying that we could agree. It truly took the whole adoption process to move his heart, our hearts to the possibility of an open adoption. To get us to consider adopting outside our race, etc. God was preparing our hearts for this. To one day stretch us even further outside of our comfort zone, to bring us to start the process of fostering. God prepares us all differently. Upon becoming a foster parent I immediately thought "why didn't we do this back then??" It is such a different process, in our case, a hundred times quicker. We made first contact in December and received our placement March 1st. It is a thousand times more affordable and I get that it is not for everyone. BUT, if you can pray your hearts into submission, I can guarantee it will be more than you could expect or imagine!

conversation with a post abortive teen

Last night I had the opportunity to spend a couple hours with a 16 year old girl at my 4hour/week job. Work was slow, we were chatting, and the conversation started to turn personal as she described her upbringing. She has asked me several times in the past about our fostering situation. As she described herself, I began to understand her interest a little better.

She has had a tough life. In the course of the conversation she whispered "and I had an abortion." I was not sure where the conversation was to go and said a quick prayer to the Holy Spirit. She talked a little about the scenario, she was 14, her boyfriend was 19, her father brought her (forced her) to Pla.nn.ed Par.entho.d. I listened, empatheticaly, mad for her at her father and the 19 year old who took advantage of a young girl.

She was confessing this to a stranger. Then I explained my background. After college I worked for an organization that tries to educate people about abortion. I have prayed outside of abortion clinics and talked to girls doing "sidewalk counseling." Her mood shifted and I could tell she was uncomfortable. She said that she was very scared of the protesters outside when she was going in for her abortion. She also said she would consider the possibility of going back and being one of the protesters one day. She harbored anger towards her father who took her for the abortion. She confessed jealously that she has towards other girls at her high school that kept their babies, and one in particular who lives with her boyfriend's family and is spoiled by his mother. In addition to those teens that parenting, my heart broke as she described several other girls whom she knew had an abortion.

When I worked for Priests for Life I was the coordinator of youth outreach. I mostly worked in Church circles. This put a new twist on youth outreach, imagining how great the need to get the pro life message into every school. Making sure every teenage girl knows her real options.

I asked her if she ever considered adoption. No. Her family never said a word about it. My other pet peeve is how very few teen moms every give adoption a thought. Of course they are thinking of themselves (understandable), but how do you get them to think outside of that? She said she could never imagine her flesh and blood being raised as another person's child. Inside my head I am asking the obvious "so you rather kill your child?". I responded that as hard as adoption must be, I can not imagine how hard, the birth parents have to know they did the right thing for their child and a miraculous thing for someone else.

We discussed birth control. She goes to Pla.ned Par.nthood frequently for Depo shots. I discussed some of the risks of Depo (52% increased risk of Breast Cancer) and side effects of the pill...a lawsuit pending on a death from the patch. She was clearly shaken. I said just know that information is out there if you want to look for it. We talked about her fear of becoming pregnant before she leaves home, I talked about CPC and homes for unwed mothers. She felt it was beneath her to live in a "shelter" and I tried to explain these as valid alternatives.

We spoke off and on over the course of our time together. I told her I just want to make sure she knows that I don't judge her. She asks if I think she is a bad person. "No." She said she wonders if she will go to hell. I said "God believes in forgiveness." I ask if she was upset when I told her what I did (pro-life work, sidewalk counseling). She said yes and something about how everyone is entitled to their beliefs, etc. I explained that even though we are in different places, I feel great compassion for her. "I am sorry you had to go through that." I tried to offer her the website for Silent No More, but she declined, worried it would make her feel worse. I said that I just wanted her to know that there are resources available if she ever needed a way to deal with that grief.

She talked about her desire to become pregnant again, praying to God that God would replace her child...that her second chance would literally be the same baby, replaced. I described that I know some women that have had abortions name their child and maybe write the baby a letter. I tried to encourage her to know that fetus, her child, was a little person. "If you can give them that dignity, I may help you a little bit to let go of some of the pain." She said she would consider doing that and explained that she has an ultrasound picture from before the abortion that she treasures.

On my way home I contemplated writing her a letter. If I could describe this girl, she is not a warm fuzzy person. She is calloused, broken, in pain. I want to tell her God loves her. I want to talk to her about forgiveness and healing. She was filling in for someone I work with so I am not sure when I will see her again. I am grateful for her openness. For a profound sharing of stories. I hope she will find some consolation.

Please pray for this sweet, hurting girl. Pray that the Holy Spirit can move her heart. God bless all these suffering souls and help them find peace.

Quick Foster Update

counting down the days to court....13 to go.

I found out today that after court, our visits will go to every other week. Good for us. Less visits for parents mean we are getting closer to termination of parental rights (TPR).

SBR's mom said that she would not sign TPR unless the baby goes to paternal aunt. The social worker told me that we will move forward with plans for involuntary termination. Again, good for us, the county is not putting much stock in paternal aunt. She hopes to get a court date on the schedule by the end of the year.

There are, of course, a zillion possibilities (there always have been). When we get through court, I will breathe.

Quick baby update: SBR is so sweet! He is almost 10 months and a wonderful chunk of love. He spent the week charming Paul's parents, who met him for the first time. He loves to explore, loves to eat bugs and leaves (which I try to prevent) and he is starting to stand on his own. I think he is anxious to be on two feet to ward off the dog and big sister.