Adoption Eve

My husband's aunt is upstairs bathing Rosie & Augie.  Baby Love is asleep in her crib.  Our house is a bit busy so this will be a quick reflection.

Tonight is our adoption eve!  Tomorrow we will celebrate a moment that we have anxiously awaited for 16 months and 2 weeks (the moment we first met "SBR").  It has been a relatively smooth roller coaster and we are so thrilled to finally make our son an official member of our family.  I have been so touched the past weeks by watching family bonds deepen.  He loves his Uncle KiKi! 

Tomorrow the judge will ask us to verify our information.  Then he will ask us individually "why do you want to adopt this child?".  I am not sure my eyes will be dry at the end.

Long ago I had wonderful hopes of celebrating this moment with a compliation video of all the moments I couldn't share over the past year.   No compilation video set to music (yet) - but I will share a couple of our favorite moments.

Coming Home, March 1 2010

Sweet Sweet Baby!

Kisses from Sissy

Kisses from Cousin

Happy 1st Birthday Happy Boy!

My dirt eater...he is such a boy!!

 

 

Blaise Augustine, we love you so much and we could not imagine our lives without you.  Welcome to the family!!!  XOXOXO

Acceptance

Thanks be to God.  It sounds like bio mom (and dad) have come to a point of acceptance.  I believe they are realizing that we are the ones who will be raising their son.

The meeting finally happened this morning.  Mom cried.  I cried.  I did my best to reassure her how deeply we love her son and that he will not be our "adopted son" - just our son, as natural as H is our daughter. We spoke about contact after termination.  Her greatest fear is there would be none.  I assured her that I understand the importance for her to get updates and see he is happy and loved, and for him to have the opportunity to know how much he is loved by them.  We discussed the possibilities of emails or contact via texting/pixing.

I explained that I understand this is different than if she was giving him up for adoption, looked through profiles and choose us to raise her son.  I asked how she felt about it being us that has him.  She expressed the desire to know more about us, to meet my husband, to know who we are.  She suggested a meeting without kids to get to know each other.  I left with the resolve to try to accommodate this and make something of a couple/family profile so she can feel comfortable with us. 

It was an awkward...but uber important meeting.  She said that she will go to the termination and if the judge ask, state she is in agreement.  We are making plans for the closing visit in two weeks.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS!  They are working on their hearts.  Please keep them coming!

Friday 11am EST

Visits have been rescheduled and THE meeting (bio mom, myself and sw) is tomorrow 11am EST. I have been anxious about this for over a week. Since it became inevitable it would be canceled yesterday and things were no longer running on MY time line, I have had more peace. GOD is in control!!

So, please continue to pray for SBR's parents and the possible tough conversation we will be having tomorrow about SBR's future. God give me the grace to be "positively vague" as suggested by a friend.

Snow & Important Meetings :(

Snow is not a good thing for anxious foster mamas. I had an important meeting today, canceled due to weather. Of course it was snow that also delayed SBR from coming to our house for almost a week last year.

The meeting was scheduled for 10:30 EST and I was going to post to ask for prayers. Bio-mom received a letter from bio-dad and asked to set up a meeting with Social Worker and myself to talk. My first thought was that she was going to sign (her rights). My understanding is that if both parents sign before 1/28 then TPR will happen 2/28, as scheduled. If they sign after 1/28, TPR is delayed until 30 days after they sign. I guess I shouldn't stress because SW tells me it is better if they sign.

I guess if they sign I would not fear the 30 days after TPR as much and could potentially save 6-12 months of waiting. For that I would be grateful.

So it was bio-mom who canceled the meeting and said "I don't want to risk his safety." I AM grateful for the way his bio-parents love him. Please pray for SBR's bio-parents as they contemplate this huge decision.

March for Life

My Heart Exults mentioned she was attending her first March for Life this year. I am so blessed to live within a relatively easy drive of DC. I take it for granted. We are hoping to attend and have not yet decided whether we are driving or joining a bus trip (if there is still room).

I am pretty new to the fabulous blogging community and wondering if anyone else is going??

I have to admit I am a bit of a crazed socialite at the March for Life. When I worked for Priests for Life it was my job to attend them. How cool is that? Our staff would go with a big plan to cover all of DC in the days or week leading up to the March. I would be involved with students for life conferences, youth rallies, the vendor display...and then hanging out at the Dubliner (where I first learned to love a Black Velvet). When I moved to PA and ran the youth group, I started leading bus trips. We would always hit the Verizon Center at 7am and, beside leading the trip, my day was spent fluttering around finding old friends. I love the March for Life!

In the last couple years, I have been less connected with my pro-life activist roots. I drive by Banned Paren7hood on a regular basis but I have not counseled in years. SBR and H have only been with me once to pray. I have gone to from working for the pro-life movement to youth ministry to Creighton teacher. I realize teaching NFP is a pro-life ministry. But I miss the passion. There is no cause greater than abortion. I could go on and on here.

In our local news, and national news a doctor was just arrested for murdering 7 live born babies. Of course, there is no discussion about the fact that the babies were "this close" (head in uterus) to being perfectly legal to kill in the same fashion. Wow. I really have to control myself or this is about to be a novel.

So...while I adore going to the March for Life and seeing old (and new) friends - there is one very specific reason I go (and now drag the family along). For someone that has never Marched, it is truly a very powerful experience. MHE, I am so glad you are making the trip. For all the long time marchers, remember. For all those that can't attend, pray.

petitions for the wailing wall

I am so thrilled for my brother in law who leaves tomorrow for Jerusalem. It has long been a dream of mine to travel to the Holy Land. My husband traveled there before we met, so it is going to take a bit of convincing to get him back. We went out for dinner the other night. My brother in law kept referring to it as the last supper. I had a chance to scribble a few petitions (in crayon...Paul said God can read crayon ;) on the back of the kids menu/coloring sheet.

In a few days, if he remembers, our petitions should be plugging a part of the wall! With it, of course, our petition and hope to adopt SBR. Also, our petition for his parents. And a few other special intentions.

I am sorry I have not been around nor blogging. We had a wonderful holiday in Florida and are back in the swing of things here. A few more social worker visits, a few more background checks, some homestudy training and a visit to the Children's hospital (SBR will be having an MRI in a few weeks). Looking at the calender there are just four visits remaining before TPR. I will be blogging my anxiety, fears and prayer intentions so stay tuned.

Happy New Year blog world!

Sweet Baby One!

Today, I got to play the Gymboree leader for a wonderful birthday celebration. We had so much fun! Happy Birthday Baby!

Home Studying - take 3

As I mentioned last month, we have begun the process of our adoption home study (different than a foster home study). Officially, this is now our third home study...the first before we conceived H.

I sent an email to our references stating "it is that time of year again for our family." It seems as if they have done this a zillion times already for us. Well, just three, but still! We are grateful they keep saying nice things about us.

Tonight were the interviews. I am so glad it was much easier than the last two rounds. Usually they turn me into a blubbering fool. Tonight, my sticking point was when she asked me to describe my personality. I absolutely couldn't! Honestly, I gave her a dissertation about how being a parent was a total wake up call and I am struggling to find balance and coming to terms that I will never by the parent I always hoped to be, etc etc etc. It was a bit ugly. She asked if I considered myself organized. Humph. Well...I completely forgot I had incorrectly recorded our last appointment and she came to an empty house. Later in the conversation Paul mentioned my business and I said "oh yeah! I think I am good at that...and relatively organized." A little too late.

So, we handed over the packet. Everything about our lives, including our updated autobiographies. I think this was supposed to be a walk through visit and I am SO glad she said she trusted our other social worker. I didn't even think I would be showing our house.

Being gifted with our children, this home study is completely different than our first. If you follow my homestudy label, I am sure you can find that post. In a nutshell, I got up at 6am to bake "Homestudy Cinnamon Rolls" back then. Tonight's homes tudy, at 6pm...I am feeding my children at the table and we are munching pretzels for our own dinner. She declined the pretzels.

So, we found out that her absolute deadline to complete our homestudy (per our county) is Jan 27th. TPR is scheduled for Feb 28th. A closing visit, the last visit for mom, will happen before the end of Feb. Thinking of having that tearful visit around the corner (I witnessed another closing visit) is a reality check. My heart does go out to his mom.

Right now there is a definite possibility that one of the parents will appeal the TPR. I did find out from tonight's social worker that she has never heard of TPR being overturned. But, if that happens, our case could potentially drag out another year before finalization. I will be reminding you of that prayer request again closer to the time.

AND, we have had discussions about what type of contact we hope to have after TPR. I will have that for a later blog.

This morning, I spent a good bit of time shopping for first birthday supplies. We are having a small first birthday party "gymboree style" for SBR. I can't believe he is almost one! He has truly become a tremendous source of joy in our life.

Milestones

Our sweet baby boy has taken his first steps! Like any other parent, I captured it on film and am dying to show them off. It is so difficult to keep from sharing all the adorable pictures and milestones. I have this vision of making a video for adoption day and catching everyone up with pictures.

In just three weeks, he will be celebrating his first birthday (we will be having a "Gymboree Style" party in two). It was a bit interesting composing the invitation. I ended up with "Our Darling Son is Turning One" and leaving out a name altogether. In this in between time, he is becoming less of an "SBR". On video and in his baby book, I try to limit my writing of his given name, though his name does appear frequently in both. This is who he is right now. Maybe I just need a better nickname??

H is super excited about the birthday party. I think she is still holding out hope it will actually be a party for her. She talks about it all the time. I feel so bad for the baby...I rarely get a picture or video of him without her jumping in front of the camera and begging me to film her instead. For the first steps, I had to sequester her to her room...even still, the video is full of "MAMA DO YOU WANT SOME COFFEE??" as she is shouting in the background.

Over the last month or two SBR's bio dad has composed several letters to be read to his son. They are really sweet...and they tear at my heart. Dad clearly has not let go (again...we are thinking this will be an involuntary termination of rights) and talks about being together as a family, etc. It is in these instances I realize how different this process is from a traditional adoption. Even though birth parents most always long for their child....they are willingly giving them up. It adds an extra dimension to process when that is not the case. I am not sure exactly what to do with these letters. One may go in his baby book, but we are now considering a memento box to keep the rest tucked away. The last one especially....I have a hard time thinking of giving to him. I am so glad he has bio parents who love him so much. I really imagine it would be harder (eventually) if that was not the case. But, figuring out where we all fit together is the challenge.

We are traveling to VA for Thanksgiving (6 hrs) and so thrilled to spend the holiday with family and new babies we have not yet met. For Christmas we are driving to FL (20+ hours). It will be a crazy season of traveling. I am sure I will have some stories to tell.

God bless everyone reading and may you have a wonderful blessed Thanksgiving!!

on the topic of name change

A few weeks back, Paul and I simultaneously poured over an internet site for hours one day and came up with a list of potential names. It looked like TPR might happen by the end of the year and we wanted to have our name picked out by then.

So we set up a picture of our foster son and set out to decide. We crossed off names from each others lists and ranked our names. We came up with a top 20, then scaled back to top 12.

We have recently narrowed it down to one. We have decided on the first and middle name we would like to give this little boy, should he become ours. Meanwhile, TPR was pushed back to the end of Feb. :(

With our daughter, we had decided to wait to find out gender and announce her name upon her birth. It is sometimes easier to not have well meaning feedback from family.

This is so different. Now that we have a name chosen, I am getting the itch. I get to look at this beautiful little happy face every day. I get to hold, snuggle, sing him lullabies to sleep. I am his mama and I want to call him by name. Well, not only that...I kind of want to tell everyone.

We chatted today and Paul feels it is too soon. I understand his reasons. As he is not yet ours, he would rather hold off until there is more certainty. I have not conceded entirely. For now, I will simply share the name with our sweet boy in his lullaby. For you...well, you will have to keep praying for us. And you will know soon enough.

Reflections (from Paul)

Today we attended a fostering fall festival. It was an ideal day with frost in the morning and mid sixties all day and fall colors at their peak. There were so many foster parents and children there. It really makes you feel good that you are part of something that is contributing to the good of the community. With out all the wonderful people, where would all these kids be today? I admit it took me a while to warm up to the idea of being a foster parent. My first thought was fostering was like being a long term baby sitter. Through our time with "SBR" I have come to realize that I am providing a child with a stable home life. I am giving him a foundation in which to grow, be loved, and most of all, I am providing him with a a family and a life he would not otherwise have. Some people have called it "noble". I just feel that God has led us in this path. It truly helps me understand something that I always wondered, how St Joseph felt toward his Son.

the long gestation

A few years back a friend was telling me about her plans to adopt from Guatemala. She showed me a photograph of her dossier (international adoption application) and referred to it as her ultrasound picture. Not long after that, they got their referral and in less than a year, brought their son home.

Adoptions involve a long gestation.

I found out today that the court date for termination of parental rights (TPR) is Feb 28th. Somewhere along the line Paul and I got the false notion that we could potentially adopt by the end of the year. I had my heart set on that. As we discovered reality...most foster adoptions in our county don't happen before 13 months after the child has been in care. That is a fast adoption in the foster world.

We had court on Tuesday. No surprises, everything went as planned. We were told that we could possibly have a court date for TPR set by the end of the year. Okay, expectations in check. Hope reset for TPR by the end of the year. Today, I am given the date of TPR on 2/28. Reset again. 30 days after TPR, the appeal time frame, with no appeals we can file petitions for adoption. So...3/28. And then, how long? (Oh, and for the record, as of now, neither parent is signing. So we are looking at 2/28 for involuntary termination.)

I was also informed that because of the circumstances, that the baby has a potential family adoptive resource, our case may have to go before the judge to determine who should be the adoptive family. Hmmph. I have confidence that we have a strong case. But, hmmph. Normally the social worker said it is pretty straightforward to recommend the foster parents are the adoptive resource. Something about new kinship laws, etc etc. So this part confused me, baby's social worker said that if she can get away with it, with her supervisor's permission, she will write a letter to the aunt stating she is no longer being considered as a resource. I will dance the happy dance if that happens.

It is difficult to keep straight all the details and scenarios. I mentioned this to the social worker. She advised me to love the baby and she will do the rest.

So....I sit here and "gestate". Four months to TPR. Our plan is to wait until that happens before changing baby's name. We still have to pick one. I can't exactly do much nesting. I am too busy pulling miscellaneous items out of baby's mouth and doing the diaper, feed, nap, diaper, feed, nap, diaper, feed, sleep routine. All things considered, it is a pretty good thing that I have this munchkin to keep me occupied during this time period.

Do I eagerly trade the certainty of a foreign adoption for having the baby in my arms? Ummm...the jury is still out on that.

I am not exactly sure when a foster gestation starts, but I am going to go with date of placement with us. March 1. Thinking forward, a 13 month "gestation" until adoption is not likely. I will keep praying it won't be much longer than that. And I will really be praying this is not an elephant gestation (22 month process), at this point, I will settle for giraffe (15 months).

Thank God for Infertility

Last night I had an annual mandatory foster parent meeting. The foster parents of my county filled a small auditorium (I would say there was a couple hundred).

After the meeting I had a chance to talk with someone who received her first placement, a 2 year old boy and 4 year old girl, a month after we received SBR. We talked for awhile and I was thinking of the two other families I know that foster-adopted from my county. As we were commiserating...I realized we all go through the exact same thoughts, same fears....I started to reflect. In my reflection I have to thank God for infertility.

If it were not for our infertility (I speculate that is a common link between us), these 6 children would not be a part of our families. Certainly, not all foster parents deal or have dealt with infertility...but a good number of us do. A good number of us are doing this to build our families. Even though the goal is reunification, and we know this, we are desperately hoping to keep our kids.

My baby needed me to need him. So many kids need parents to open their hearts, their homes and "RISK IT" for them. Is it terrifying? Yes! Rest assured, there are many of us are in the exact same boat.

I am so glad I finally got a chance to catch up with this mom. She had two biological and 6 months ago got the most adorable sibling group. Some people are a bit more nervous in demeanor...I think she is one. I don't know if it is that our case is different, that we are in the adoption unit already. She is more terrified, more nervous, more uncertain. Her case is more uncertain. That said, in the back of my head, in the recess of my heart, I know my case is not certain either. At any time, anything can happen. She described two cases she heard about where babies were removed from their foster families on Christmas eve. She has begged her social worker not to do this to her.

So I think of us. The four families I am pretty familiar with. Ours and three others. I would say two of us moms come across more confident in nature, two, more unconfident. Two families have successfully adopted. Two families on the roller coaster. We look to them for hope, for reassurance. We are praying God blesses us the same way.

Four days to court. The thought of court puts a pit in my stomach (did I refer to myself as confident??). I have been told the parent visits are changing after court. Instead of two hours every week, mom will have one hour every other week. Visits spacing is a good sign.

As I type, I am watching SBR try to get into everything. Yesterday I pulled a half eaten blue crayon out of his mouth. This week, stink bugs, leaves, dirt. He is truly my vacuum cleaner, not in a good way! But we love him, in all his 10 month old craziness.

Looking in the crowd last night, I saw dozens of prayer caps. There are so many Mennonite foster parents. I am pretty sure most of them are foster parents because of infertility. Our foster son's sibling will be adopted by a Mennonite family in less than two weeks. This is their fourth adoption.

It makes me think of where we sat 5 years ago. Struggling with the idea of starting our family through adoption. Taking to my husband about his fears of not having his child look like him. Praying he would bend; praying that we could agree. It truly took the whole adoption process to move his heart, our hearts to the possibility of an open adoption. To get us to consider adopting outside our race, etc. God was preparing our hearts for this. To one day stretch us even further outside of our comfort zone, to bring us to start the process of fostering. God prepares us all differently. Upon becoming a foster parent I immediately thought "why didn't we do this back then??" It is such a different process, in our case, a hundred times quicker. We made first contact in December and received our placement March 1st. It is a thousand times more affordable and I get that it is not for everyone. BUT, if you can pray your hearts into submission, I can guarantee it will be more than you could expect or imagine!

Quick Foster Update

counting down the days to court....13 to go.

I found out today that after court, our visits will go to every other week. Good for us. Less visits for parents mean we are getting closer to termination of parental rights (TPR).

SBR's mom said that she would not sign TPR unless the baby goes to paternal aunt. The social worker told me that we will move forward with plans for involuntary termination. Again, good for us, the county is not putting much stock in paternal aunt. She hopes to get a court date on the schedule by the end of the year.

There are, of course, a zillion possibilities (there always have been). When we get through court, I will breathe.

Quick baby update: SBR is so sweet! He is almost 10 months and a wonderful chunk of love. He spent the week charming Paul's parents, who met him for the first time. He loves to explore, loves to eat bugs and leaves (which I try to prevent) and he is starting to stand on his own. I think he is anxious to be on two feet to ward off the dog and big sister.

Foster Drama Day

So...I guess, all in all, this will still work to our advantage.

We brought SBR to his visit, scheduled for 10am. 10:05am, no one around. I start asking questions because, at least, the visit supervisor should be there. We are only supposed to wait 15 minutes after scheduled time and then the visit is considered a no show. There was some debate by caseworkers if the visit was actually to be scheduled for 10:30. 10:20am, I meet our new case worker who comes out to wait with me. She is not sure really what is going on. At this point, the supervisor (of the social workers) is involved trying to figure out what happened.

Keep in mind, great aunt is traveling from out of state ~3 hours away for this visit, but local family is also scheduled to be in attendance.

10:35am social worker and I say good by and I head home. 10:50am phone rings, it is the supervisor asking if I can come back. They just showed up. She is clearly P'd off. If I can bring him back, someone will meet me outside, and someone else will drive him back to my home. I think she mentioned something about just allowing the visit to be 1 hour, rather than the scheduled 2.

He is there now. Please dear God, let these people back off.

While I don't rejoice in the failings of the parents...I have to say, I am grateful for this "mess up" and hopes that it reflects positively in our favor.

the sweetest new sound

is his tired, teary "mama mama mama"

LOVE IT!!!

things are not looking good

for them.

Out of confidentiality, I won't disclose why...but the case just took another turn, in our favor.

It is difficult to watch people's lives fall apart. For his sake, I am grateful SBR is in our home. When I learned about the situation I just squeezed him a little tighter and thanked God that we are here to love him. He is starting to favor mama (me). Now that he is crawling, he will crawl over to me an give me the look to pick him up. I love the feeling of the bond slowly developing between us. I hope he stays.

He is laughing in his uncle's arms, playing hide and seek with H as I type this.

In other related news, there is another visit scheduled with the aunt. Clearances have not yet arrived from her state. I am not sure if what happened will make her feel stronger about fighting for him, I hope not.

Passing the Case

I mentioned before, our case (for our foster son) is being passed to the adoption unit. We have known about this for awhile and knew that Sep 1st, the 6th month mark, since having "SBR" was a big one for us.

This Wednesday, before dropping SBR off for his weekly visit, his parents were informed the case was passing. I realize there were probably discussions to the same effect with them...but I know the news was very difficult. Though I am not able to share details of the case, mom and dad are both in the picture. As far as biological parents go, in the foster care system, I am told they are up there in terms of being nice/easy to deal with people. I have long grappled with the feeling of taking their baby away and just feeling bad for them. At which point I remind myself the court/county took their baby away and we are the nice family caring for him.

Fostering is such a unique experience. It is not like what I imagine dealing with adoptive biological parents would be like. These are parents who have not decided to give up their child. Yet I have him.

I really have no idea what will happen. When a petition (for termination of parental rights) lands on their door step, will they consider signing, or will they fight? They have not "fought" so far (by making life changes), which is why the case is passing.

Today we went to the park for a picnic. SBR slept in my Ergo carrier while H played. We are feeling more and more like a family of four. I am feeling more and more like a mom of children. Two kids is so much more challenging than one. Our life feels "full" right now. We try not to focus on the outcome, nor do we speak of it much. I am not sure where in the process we are (6 more months before we know, 12? longer?). But I am content. I am content being a mommy to two. I am blessed to have a blessed distraction from every period that arrives and the sting of infertility.

A while ago we turned away an adoption opportunity. Something feel into our laps and we half considered it...then fully considered it. My husband said yes. The decision was left up to me. At that time (and still now) I could not fathom being able to care for another child, yet. God has a plan. I do not know it. But, being content with where we are is all the confirmation we need that fostering is where we are called right now.

Foster Updates

Updates from the world of fostering:

1. Paternity is confirmed. The Senior that my foster son is Juniored after, is the correct Senior. With this we breathe a sigh of relief, because we know what we face...there is nothing unknown.

2. Approval was granted to pass the case to the adoption unit. That pass will happen sometime in the next couple weeks. What this means is "SBR" gets a new social worker, whose goal is to follow through to his adoption. She is the SW that files petitions for termination of parental rights. Parental rights can either be terminated voluntarily or involuntarily. Obviously, voluntary termination will mean a much quicker process moving forward. This particular social worker is VERY familiar with bio mom and has led her through this process twice before. I believe she will sign....bio dad...I am not sure it will be so easy, but I am praying for that.

After petitions are signed, there is a court case to terminate rights. Then it starts to move into adoption.

3. We will be starting an adoption home study within the next month and get a new set of social workers (in addition to the two from the county) who will continue onward with us from there. SO that is a grand total of 4 (5 including some transition time we expect) that we will be dealing with.

4. Great Aunt is still out there. Approved in her state and waiting approval in our state. Expecting approval will be granted. RIGHT NOW, all social workers are in agreement she has not made a strong case to get the baby because she has not been visiting. Words I was SO glad to hear today "every week she does not come is counting as a missed visit." She has come twice in the almost 5 months we have had him. SO, on that end, the prayer is either they will back down or the courts will side in our favor here.

On the way out the door from the visit today I was chatting with the visit supervisor. She looked at me and said "Elisabeth, I wouldn't worry." It is nice to get some reassurance from people who have BTDT.

Meanwhile, SBR's current social worker stated "it could take 6 months, it could take 2 years, I can't predict the future or what might happen."

So we continue to wait...and pray. And discuss how old SBR should be before we say Yes to our next foster child. :)

who sleeps like this?

I had a friend who ran a "who sleeps like this" series for her little girl. My little girl only slept in designated sleeping area...until now, of course. Our foster bebe, however, sleeps where he falls. Tonight was a good example. He litterally passed out on his own lap. :) Funny kid.