on lost joy

(Started writing on Thursday)

I am sitting in the quiet of the house.  Having just loaded Rosie on the bus and not yet awakened my two little crazies.  A theme has been circling my brain recently...a theme that comes up repeatedly in my life.  Joy.  Even trying to title this blog leads me to reflect on joy?  What is it?  Why did I have it once?  Where did it go?  How can I find it again? 

As I sat down to type, I decided upon a quick google search for quotes and stumbled upon many from CS Lewis.  A man who has clearly thought significantly more about this topic that I have.   In his book, Surprised by Joy, he writes:
"it is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which is a technical term and must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that, and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasure in the world. But then Joy is never in our power and pleasure often it."

Thank goodness for philosophers to make more sense of these things.  Joy is something I feel I once had and have since lost.  Being named Elisabeth I have always loved the image of the Visitation.  Within Elizabeth's womb, the infant, "leapt for joy."  Two years ago I had the opportunity to attend a conference and be prayed over by Neal Lozano.  He is an incredible man.  In his blessing over me, he brought forth that image and prayed for joy over me.  

(Returning to this writing on Saturday)

So, the elusive joy.  When I became a mother there was definitely a honeymoon period where I was so filled with joy.  I remember being tired...but I don't remember anger until my newborn became a toddler.  She was very VERY loud. I recal posting on an online forum about her manipulating behaviors.  Another mother challenged me that perhaps I was perceiving her as more advanced than she was.

With the transition to toddlerhood, came the loss of control.  With the loss of control, I began to experience the loss of joy. 

In my 6 years as a parent, there have been profound moments of gratitude...but limited moments of joy.  I could go back to giving birth vs adopting (where there were no happy hormones flooding my body)...but ultimately, I think if all my babies were from my womb, I would still struggle with anger & pine for joy.

It has been awhile since I spoke with Dr D.  As I mentioned the cost of two private schools has taken control of those funds in our budget.  One of the themes I was most interested in was the idea to "make your house a cloister".  The image of a cloister is one of peace, order, joy.  Perhaps the peace & order are impossible with children?  But I am for sure trying.  

Nesting is helping us declutter and bring peace to areas of our home that have been in chaos.  The energy to keep things clean is not present...but it is a prayer.  So...the home, is a big source of stress...but then, the kids.  

I so long to find joy in my children. I long to see them as God sees them.  I long to live in peace with them.  I long for them to have a mama that is filled with joy.  This...is where I pray for my miracle.   Parenting is suffering.  Parenting is laying down your wants, your life, for your children.  So...this elusive joy is only going to come from learning to suffer well.  

I am not quite sure how to do that...but every single day I have another opportunity to try.  I am a mama that is going to stay put.  And keep trying.  And...if joy is not meant for me in this life, I am so grateful it is available in heaven.

Wahhhhh!

First day of K is hardest on mama!!  Have a wonderful day sweet girl!! 

Quick Take Friday: back to school edition

1. On Tuesday we officially start year 2 of not-homeschooling. I have so many mixed feelings.  This is the blog where I attempt to work my way through those feelings.

2. As I think about things like sending my first born back into the world...and possibly via a big, scary school bus...all my confidences about school are replaced with thoughts about all the worst case scenarios that could happen to my precious 6 year old.  You simply can not protect them from everything.  That is scary.  That requires trust...and prayer.  

3. Today marks one month to go till D-day.  With an almost newborn, a 2 year old and a 3 year old - I am grateful that formal school will give our family a routine that I don't feel I could provide in this busy season of our life.  I do feel peace with our decision.  That decision, however, comes with a great cost. If the expense worth the routine?

4. Rosie is entering full day 5 day kindergarten at our parish school.  Augie is starting 3 year old two day half day pre-k at another church school.  Normally I would not send my 3 year old to school....but, in this case, I believe it will benefit us all in responding to his special needs.  Two private schools equates to adding a car payment to our monthly expenses.  Extra expenses...such as therapy and miscellaneous spending are not in the budget any longer.  I know the pastor uses the mantra you have to sacrifice to send your kids to Catholic school.  Catholic school....

5. Perhaps we are doing it from peer pressure.  The very large majority of our friends send their kids to the parish school.  Perhaps because if not homeschooling, it is the only other option for my husband.  Until recently I was not against public school.  But then....you realize....just how worldly even public elementary schools can become.  And recently, public school fell off my list of possibilities.  And so our options...teach or pay.

6. There are no homeschool co ops that exists within my parish community.  I am sure co ops exist...just none that I am aware of yet.  If I was surrounded by homeschooling families and a network of mentors, that would surely make a difference.  As it is, I am a public schooled mom married to my catholic schooled husband. No experience, no mentors, no homeschooling peer pressure...it is easier to take the path most traveled (here), in the midst of this stressful season.  I have a plethora of moms to help me navigate the parish school.

7. Year by year.  This year, this is the right decision for our family.  Rosie could not be MORE excited and as I snuggled Augie tonight...I started to reflect on what school would mean for him.  Being the middle child/second born...he takes a good amount of grief (not all undeserved ;-).  I had the thought "will I cry when I drop him off?"  A new challenge to my heart.  I am excited for the world before them...it is thrilling to watch the wide open eyes of my children.  Year by year, i will try my best to choose & provide what i feel is best for them.

First day pictures coming soon. 

Linking up with Jen: http://www.conversiondiary.com/2013/08/7-quick-takes-friday-vol-229.html

new pictures new pictures!

and an updated About Us page.

quick takes - on getting there

1. 34 w 5 d
difficult to breathe, challenging to get up from sitting or laying down, heart burn, reflux, can't stand too long, have to pee all the time...and holy smokes...I am having a baby!!!! so grateful to God for this gift of life within.  grateful for His trust and I am not worthy.  baby hiccups, kicks, head buts, tiny movements inside of me...and now the necessity to think in terms of getting this child out and holding a precious fresh from God newborn.  (not a tweeter...but hashtag grateful)

2.

a most beautiful and captivating book.  add to your wish list!

3. Wednesday I attended a Mass of Thanksgiving for a new Gianna Center affiliate opening in my diocese.  After Mass I had the chance to pray (once again) with St Gianna's gloves.  I placed them over my very large womb and prayed for a safe delivery.  Immediately after that prayer my prayers went towards all those I know who are still begging God for a healthy baby in arms.  My thoughts went to the last person I was fervently praying for while holding her gloves. For those who have suffered miscarriages, I prayed for you.  For those who have not yet conceived, I prayed for you. St Gianna Molla, pray for us!

4.  My husband's colleague mentioned something to the fact that "your wife is REALLY pregnant."  Why yes, yes I am.  Meanwhile my (almost) 6 year old declared me fat.   Starting to navigate some of these new conversations with her.  The world is pressing in and I am trying but not quite sure how to push back.  Lord, protect our daughters and help us teach them well.

5. On teaching her well...Rosie has made it through two whole rosaries this week.  She led 4 out of 5 decades in the car the other day.  She can also recite the St Michael prayer and told me she says it if she wakes at night scared.  So proud!

6. School.  As I watch many people post about school, about homeschooling, about getting ready...I am grateful that for now, we can afford catholic education.  Rosie will be starting K.  Augie will be attending a 3 year old pre-k 5 hours a week to obtain services from the intermediate unit.  I feel no pull to home school yet.  I can't imagine catholic education all the way through...but for now...we are here.

7.  Last weekend was Catie's half-sister's 17th birthday party.  Her first ever.  She entered into foster care last fall and we have been slowly building a relationship with her and her foster mom.  For T's sake, as well as Catie.  Today I received the most precious thank you note from a girl who is probably writing them for the first time ever.  It included the words "thank you for trying to play kick ball" (just picture that for a second, and yeah :-) .  I am very grateful she is in a good home.  I really can not see her in ours.  But grateful still for the opportunity to have a biological connection for Catie.  Wish I could share the sweet pics!

So I will leave on a note about Older Child Adoptions with THIS sweet story.

(yet another) quick take sunday

so..maybe it is just because the exciting parts only happen on the weekends?

1. Friday Night was amazing.  I was surrounded by lots of beautiful women very close to my heart for what has to be the most faith-filled baby shower ever.  The grace and gift of these women was so palpable for me.  I am humbled by their generosity and even more grateful for their presence in my life.  Four children equals four god mothers and they were all there.  The night was kicked off with the most incredible prayer...I am still waiting for a copy to share...but the part that struck me was "dear lord let me not harm these children in my care."

a gummy "craving" bar

yet another craving...there was much sugar to be had

the beautiful hostess

gifts from women of faith

2. Saturday.  Wedding day for one of the most beautiful brides I have seen.  There is just something about a Catholic wedding...especially when the bride radiates purity.  I have known the bride since before she was in high school.  She eagerly read my copy of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and made a commitment to not date, probably while she was in the 8th grade.  I was honored to be her youth minister and she soaked up everything.  Even when I only had two teens attending a particular bible study...she was committed.  She was with me in a small group of studying through Theology of the Body for teens.  And I was with her for her first Steubenville youth conference, where I witnessed her falling madly in love with our Lord.  I walked with her though years of discerning a religious vocation...she wanted to be cloistered (what teen thinks like that?).  When her parents requested she attend college first, I was thrilled when she selected Franciscan University.  I have been so honored to know H through the years and watch her mature into the beautiful young woman she has become.  I have loved getting to know her now husband, who happens to be a dear friend of a fellow blogger and long time internet friend.  While it was difficult to watch H's path stray from her passion for religious life...I could not imagine a more perfect fit.  M is very worthy of his beautiful bride and I look forward to watching them grow in holiness & love.  Also...jealous they live near Mrs Mike...and not me!  

loved seeing them pull into the gas station on our way out!!

3. Sunday.  Peaches!!

Last weekend was picking:

This weekend was processing:

Can not wait to enjoy them!  Right now, from the shower, we are still filled to the brim with sweets...so pies will have to wait.  The beauty of canning. 

4. As a result of #1 & #2 I was wiped.out today!  My body definitely rebels & lets me know when I do too much.  Grateful that even with canning peaches, today was a day of rest. 

5. I met with a new midwife who informed me in April my urine test was GBS+.  Since April I have met with 4 other midwives who have not mentioned it before, so not sure yet if I need to worry.  I will be retested at 36 weeks.  I am also borderline anemic, which means iron rich foods.  Top of my list are cream of wheat and liverwurst.  Organ meats are not my deal.  Finally, I got to see the birth pool at the birth center.  There are many reasons we would not be able to utilize it...but I am hopeful!  It looked like a lovely place to labor/birth.  Baby is doing well.  Oh, the (new/young) midwife also thought baby was posterior and recommended time on my hands and knees.  Not the most comfortable thing to do at this point so I am doing what I can while I await another opinion in a week and a half. 

6. I pulled out the baby girl clothes this week.  It is a bit ridiculous how YELLOW the stains turn while they sit in the bins.  After many washes, oxi soaks and a grass/sun drying...I think they look clean & new. Stains are usually not my thing.  My mother will come to town and purchase every stain remover known to man to fill my cupboard.  I can use each of those and still have no luck getting out stains.  My mom also purchased a book called Stain Rescue a few years back.  I am finally using some of the tips and was able to get felt tip marker out of Augie's church pants this morning.  That was kind of exciting.  Perhaps the bin of clothes being saved for my mother (the queen of all stain removing) will not be so big when she arrives.  

7. My in laws arrive tomorrow.  Looking forward to the visit and the help.