on anger

"It is better not to allow anger, however just and reasonable, to enter at all, than to admit it in ever so slight a degree; once admitted, it will not be easily expelled, for, though at first but a small plant, it will immediately grown into a large tree."  St Augustine

And rooting out a large tree ain't an easy job!

I am working through a bible study by Jeff & Emily Cavins called "Walking Toward Eternity."  Each week is a scripture study on a problem topic.  We have covered "Engaging Your Appetites", "Engaging Your Shame", "Engaging Your Envy", and this is my week, "Engaging Your Anger."

The above quote....providentially from my one of my son's patron saints, reminds me of the beginning of my journey to healing.  I was called scrupulous, encouraged that I was a good mother and made to feel that I was exaggerating the issue.  "Anger is not a bad thing" I was told.

Anger is "an emotion which is not in itself wrong, but which, when it is not controlled by reason or hardens into resentment and hate, becomes one of the seven capital sins.  Christ taught that anger is an offence against the fifth commandment."  Catechism Glossary

I am so grateful that I have entered into this journey of trying to root out the anger I had let grow in my heart.  "Once admitted, it will not be easily expelled."  Boy is that the truth!  It has been 18 months since I started on this journey (starting with a Padre Pio incident) and about 9 months of intense working on chopping down the tree.  Anger still rears it's ugly head more frequently than I care to admit.


This week I came down hard on Catie.  Walking down the hall shortly afterwards, Padre Pio, in a prayer card, was staring back at me from the floor.  I know it was either God or Padre Pio who placed himself in my direct path.

That look of..."ELISABETH" was all I needed.  Confession is on my agenda for this weekend.

Did I mention to you that our baby is due on his feast day?  I think he has adopted me as his spiritual child.  All I ever did was pray a novena.  :-)  Padre Pio is a warrior saint for sinners.  I am humbled and grateful for his attention to my soul.

So tonight I pray though Day 2 of my 4 day anger study that will conclude with Lectio Divina.  Lord, open my heart to receive your words.  

"God knew you needed a Catie"

Oh therapy, how I love thee.

Well...this is not entirely true, but how I need thee....at least right now.  Perspective is everything.

Parenting children with special needs is tough work.  Take the responsibilities of your average child, and multiply that by three, at least.  Triple the doctors visits and add to that specialists, surgeries, therapies, tests, and more tests.

Before he turned three Augie had been under anesthesia three times.  Twice for MRIs and once for plastic surgery related to an accident.  Catie, now two and a half, just had her third surgery.  All three directly related to maternal drug use.

We practically know every OT, ST and PT in town.  And are well on our way to understanding the multiple levels of services from early intervention to the inner workings of the intermediate unit.

Would this be my life if I had birthed a child with special needs?  Absolutely.  But this is the life I choose....or rather, the life that choose me.  When Augie was placed with us there were no special needs identified.  We knew he was at risk of mental health issues (aren't we all?).  Since his placement we have been on a wild goose hunt to figure out exactly what is going on in his little mind & body.  Two steps forward, one step back.  He recently re-qualified for services through our IU.  Now we have to figure out whether to enroll him in preschool at age 3 to get him the services he needs.

Catie...we knew.  I feel in love and all the discussion about what we were open to accepting went out the window for love of her.

In discussion with Dr D I confessed I struggled with compassion...before even having children.  His immediate response was "God must have known you needed a Catie."

The paperwork, the appointments, the surgeries, the CONSTANT flow of therapists in and out of my house...it is a lot.  It is tough.  And then there are my children.  The comprehension issues, the speech issues, the attention issues, the behavior issues, the eating issues...they all bring out my crazy.

But then.  Then, there are my children.  The ones whom I so rarely get to step back and see with perspective.  These beautiful little souls that God sent into my life for very distinct purposes.  If they were not bringing out my crazy, my crazy would not be in the process of being healed.  It takes everything inside of me and step back to see them as God sees them.  I fail in doing this every single day.  And yet, God trusts me.  God believes in me.  He sent these poor, needy, struggling, abused little people to a mama who would love them until she had nothing left of herself.  I confessed to a friend that I am not myself during the stressful times.  I am not the person I thought I was.  I am certainly not the mom I thought I would be.  And every day I pick up my broken self and carry on, giving them everything I have within me.  Making the calls, the appointments, scheduling the therapists, the surgeries.  Trying to understand their special needs.  Trying to overcome my inadequacies and frustrations.

And this is the life God choose for me.  Because He knew I needed this.  I needed them.  Heaven ain't for those who just believe.  This is my Mother Theresa journey.  This is my Calcutta.   And I cling to the hope that saints are just the sinners that fall down and get back up.

on communication & the faith

My mother has long told me that she admired my husband's and my ability to communicate.  We are certainly not experts...but the longer I reside in adulthood, the more I realize how communication, especially between spouses, is an incredible gift...and one that is essential to practice & nurture.

I grew up in an extended family that did everything to avoid important or personal conversations.  There were lots of surface conversations,  lots of trying not to offend and  lots of dark secrets,  How do I know this all?  Because my mom rebelled against that mold.  She was a confidant to many and perhaps the only one who practiced faith as an adult.  I think these two are related.  Christ teaches us how to be a friend.

When I married into my husbands' family I saw the differences.  Within their extended family, there are many political & religious differences (same as mine), but these are often topics of family conversation.  I admire families that can respectfully engage in challenging conversation.

As Christians we are called, challenged, even required to share of our faith.  For someone who loves Christ, what she wants most is to share Him, especially with those she loves most.  However, in a family that does not communicate...this is a great challenge.  I have extended family that are not only not Christian, some are anti-Christian.  I love them.  They are my family.  I struggle with feeling judged...this feeling is rooted in pride.  But the hardest is the name calling.  When someone I love resorts to name calling, that is where respect goes out the window.  And that is my opportunity to unite my little sufferings to Christ, who was called all kinds of names...and still died for those who hated Him.

How can we grow if we are not challenged?  If everyone is to sit happily in their little bubbles and never be questioned, challenged or even called out....how do we become better human beings?  I am so grateful for the priest who had the courage to challenge my in the confessional.  I am on the road to becoming a better mother as a result of his challenge.  I am also encouraging my husband to call me out when he sees me falling short.  It is hard for him....I can't guarantee my response will be charitable....but we have to be able to help one another in our life's journey.  

We have to take risks in life.  Sometimes this means taking risks in family or with those we love.  Perhaps, this is one of the most challenging calls of Christianity...at least for me.  We love them, we accept them and ultimately we live by example.

But who are we as Christians if we are too afraid to invite them to join us in this incredible, blessed life?  

While I can blog about this...please don't mistake that for being a stellar apologist.  As Christians we should also be able to challenge one another....and this is so hard!  It starts with recognizing in my own life how far I am from the goal.  And in my weakness, I pray Christ can use me for the good of those I love.   

God, give us the courage to live & die for you.  Amen. 

foster care: why i lament, but still promote

"He could be your perfect disaster but you could be his ever after!"

I read this quote from Foster2Forever and it struck a chord, especially in light of my Quick Take #4.  Two days before I lamented about bonding, I was telling someone I was going to pray for them to consider foster care.

A blog is essentially a public journal.  While I may be very open about my feelings and the challenges, please don't mistake that for lack of gratitude.  I can not for one second imagine my life without each of my blessings.

Parenting is hard as hell.  Some of what I am trying to accomplish in therapy is the transition from the romantic ideas of what kind of parent I thought I would be to becoming the parent God is challenging me to become.  That idea and the "ideal" (ie romanticized notions) are no where near the reality.  This has to be true for every parent...even if their life looks perfect on a blog.

But the thing is, parenting has nothing to do with how pretty your house looks or how perfect your crafts/snacks/parties are.  That type of parenting is rooted in pride & self love.  That type of parent says it is all about how I look.  I am learning the parent God wants me to be is the one who says it is not about me, it is all about God.  Help me decrease so He may increase.  I embrace the fact that my house is a mess.  God you have lent me these children, your children, help me be the kind of mother that desires their holiness above all else.  Above all images of perfection, above desiring to be the perfect mother, above my unworthiness....let me focus on them...and what it takes to get them to heaven.  That is all I seek.

I feel that I type this out every year, but here goes again.

When we were struggling with infertility, and treatment after treatment did not bring about a positive pregnancy test...all I knew was adoption was so darn expensive.  Why did I have to have 10 or 20K to become a mother?  And when I became a foster mom, I learned that foster care is essentially the American Orphanage.  Except, to adopt from this orphanage costs not a cent.  There is no foreign travel, there are no dossiers, no weeks away from your family, no fundraisers, home equity loans or financial set backs.  This orphanage is fully funded by an in debt government.  And for whatever it is worth...well, I can see why the government is so freakishly in debt...this is a viable option for many couples.  But many of those couples...most of those couples...are too afraid to try.

What if we didn't try?

I can not, not for one second, imagine my life without these two most incredible beautiful gifts.  As much as I lament the chaos, I would not trade it for the world.  These two beautiful kids were meant just for me.

I can not imagine my life without the gift of knowing them and the privilege of raising them.  Augie can light up a room like no one else.  He is truly a  crowd magnet  as I watched tonight at a party.  Seriously everyone loves this kid. Catie is spunky like no one's business and I get to see her overcome her challenges every day.  If I sit back and think about her, I am sure I could come up with a very long list of how she inspires me.  

I am so eternally grateful that we signed up to be foster parents and didn't look back.  

Psalm 27:10 "Even if my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will take me in."

Matthew 18:5 "And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me."

To spiritually consider adoption, to wrap your brain around rescuing an orphan, is to see how you have decreased and He has increased in you.  Adoption is truly so supernatural.  Adoption is truly allowing God control of your life and to offer what you have to His child that is most in need.  I get so caught up in wiping bums, that I forget to consider finding joy in the mundane.  I forget that I am like Mother Theresa on the streets of Calcutta with my own poor & needy.  Insight is everything.  

With such a beautiful new pope who cares so deeply about the poor...I pray that his leadership allows you to consider how you can help the poor.  Adoption....adoption through foster care....is certainly answering that call. 

It is not about me, it is all about you.  Lord Jesus, take control.  

my saints

St Kateri, pray for us!

St Michael, pray for us!

St Therese, pray for us!

overcoming anger {day 25} on adoption

So today I want to share a question purposed by the priest in confession two weeks ago.  When he asked, I recoiled.  I did not want to blog about it because I was embarrassed he would even ask such a thing. 

The question: "Are you angry with God for giving you a child with issues?"  "Do you think that if that child was biological, they would have been perfect?" 

When this was asked, nothing about the statement struck me as truth. 
1. I did not feel angry at God.
2. (recited to myself) "I love all my children and there is no difference between them!"

Rosie, my 5 year old biological daughter, has excelled through her developmental milestones.  She is  the greatest joy and a beautiful, incredible miracle. 

Augie is approaching 3.  Catie is approaching 2.  Both are adopted from foster care.  Augie has speech delays, oral stimulation issues, chiari 1 malformation and possibly something else.  He was clinically diagnosed with Williams Syndrome and we are still trying to figure out if he actually has this genetic condition.  Catie was born drug addicted.  She has struggled with feeding issues, feeding tubes, gross motor development, temperament and now eye issues. 

Augie & Catie both receive early intervention (speech, ot, pt) and have been highly involved with doctors and specialists their entire little lives. 

Am I angry with God for giving me a child with issues?

This is a heavy question.  I love all my children desperately and I do not want to live my life without a single one of them. 

Do I feel the same towards my biological child as I do towards my adopted children?

Heavier question. 

I have spent a good amount of time wrestling with the facts.  I did not get to nurse or co sleep with my adopted children.  As a result we turned to cry it out, because I could not comfort them in the same way I naturally comforted my daughter.  Was there early bonding differences?  Absolutely.  Bonding with a foster child takes time.  It is often an arduous process while you are wondering if you can let your heart go there. 

We have an open relationship with Augie's parents.  I hear from her regularly.  My heart is constantly wrestling with the fact that there is another mother out there.  Another father who loves him.  He is mine.  But not quite entirely. 

I am sure I will be dealing with this with Catie before long. 

God has chosen me to be mama to these two special people.  I am so thankful.  I can not imagine a quiet life without them.  I am SO SO SO grateful Rosie gets to be a big sister.  She is an incredible big sister. 

I can not answer the question, but it challenges my heart. 

Adoption would not exist without sin. 

To some degree or another this is all about dealing with the sucky brokenness of our world.  I wish my children were not broken.  I wish my children were all biologically mine. 

Our God is a God of Redemption.  Out of the ashes we rise.  He has given me an incredible mission.  To redeem my children*.  That is my purpose.

* Theologically....I know it is God that is redeeming them.  But when I look up the definition of redemption, it is beautiful.  I am rescuing them and I am claiming them.  I am giving them to God to do the rest.

~~~~~~~~
miracle alert: Yesterday I was talking about PMS knocking on my door. Today my period arrived. What??? Woah?? This evening I asked my husband, "did you notice my pms?" "No." And I am certain my children did not notice. For me, this is huge!

quick takes

hosted this week at Camp Patton

1.  On Fridays our family tries to pray and sacrifice for our priests.  Please consider joining us! 

A PRAYER FOR PRIESTS

John Cardinal O'Connor

Lord Jesus, we your people pray to You for our priests. You have given them to us for OUR needs. We pray for them in THEIR needs. We know that You have made them priests in the likeness of your own priesthood. You have consecrated them, set them aside, anointed them, filled them with the Holy Spirit, appointed them to teach, to preach, to minister, to console, to forgive, and to feed us with Your Body and Blood. Yet we know, too, that they are one with us and share our human weaknesses. We know too that they are tempted to sin and discouragement as are we, needing to be ministered to, as do we, to be consoled and forgiven, as do we. Indeed, we thank You for choosing them from among us, so that they understand us as we understand them, suffer with us and rejoice with us, worry with us and trust with us, share our beings, our lives, our faith. We ask that You give them this day the gift You gave Your chosen ones on the way to Emmaus: Your presence in their hearts, Your holiness in their souls, Your joy in their spirits. And let them see You face to face in the breaking of the Eucharistic bread. We pray to You, O Lord, through Mary the mother of all priests, for Your priests and for ours. Amen. March, 1995   2. Today I am grateful for....my husband his stable job.    3. Today I am praying for....a friend who is having a very difficult pregnancy with twins and lost her job and insurance because she is too sick to get out of bed.   4. This week, we bought a new/used mini van...and paid cash!  This is the first time we have ever been able to purcahse a vehicle outright.  It is a tremendous blessing.    5. I am working on multiple NaPro presentations this week and we will be giving our NaPro witness on Thursday night.    6. Rice pudding is baking in the oven to bring over for dessert after dinner at a friends.  So excited!   7. If you have not yet seen The Chalice and Pepsi Can, please watch!  Stealing this from a priest friend's blog.

the isolation of motherhood

I am a baby mama.  That was the label given to me recently after I poured out my heart to a beautiful group of mothers.  God willing I will meet with some of these women on a regular basis and god willing it will not be all about me.  They empathized with my position, reminiscing about just how difficult it is to parent little people.  They of course kept things real by telling me "little kids = little problems, big kids = big problems".  Ultimately, just sharing was hugely helpful.

I joined this group after reading half way through Suburban CEO an old website from my favorite blogger.  It is far time I return to the site and continue reading.

The idea of feeling fulfilled by motherhood is so so far away from me right now.  I read other mom blogs and the beautiful crafts, the beautiful pictures...the beautiful life of motherhood - just seem so far off.  Treading water and trying not to drown more adequately describes life. 

I could make a list of all the crazy things that my kids do for empathy or humor.  With Rosie approaching the age of five I am seeing the impact of every little thing I do upon her formation.  Let's just say that when I sin, that sin is multiplied.

Most days are rough.  Today was especially rough.  At the end of the day I called my husband at work and cried.  Then I hugged my daughter and asked if I am a good mom.  Not the answer I wanted.  :-/

I know in my heart there is good in my motherhood.  I have been called to the vocation of marriage and the desire for children was imprinted on my being.  I prayed and begged God for motherhood for 5 years before I was so blessed with the gift.  Now that gift sits on my chest like a massive weight, taking every ounce of my being.  I am being poured out and emptied beyond where I ever thought possible.

If it was just me an my motherhood, I would not survive.  I am fighting with everything inside of me.  Fighting to stay connected.  Fighting to stay accountable.  Fighting to let the good of my motherhood declare victory over the bad.  And most importantly, surrendering to God.

Blood of Christ, inebriate me

So, as I am sitting on the back deck this morning, with my kids playing, reading my Anima Christi prayer book, the neighbor comes over.  He informs me that yesterday he found my two year old outside, in his yard, where he was about to back his truck.  The neighbor sent him back inside.  IF, this was an isolated incident, okay.  Unfortunately, I can add this to the list of a couple terrifying, his-guardian-angel-saved-him incidents. 

I have caught Augie trying to escape into the back yard a couple of times.  I thought I caught him every time.  Aparantly not.  And, up goes security...again.  Husband will be brining home locks to add to the top of the door.  The last incident resulted in the purchase of an additional baby gate (to block access to the garage door) and door knob protectors, which he has since mastered.  We are anxiously awaiting our adoption tax credit to purchase a much needed fence for our back yard.  Whether it is because he is mentally challenged in some way (yet unknown), or because he is a boy, or because he is two...he needs a greater degree of security and protection than Rosie ever did.

How many times must I say "do not leave this house without asking mommy?"  And, clearly, he still does not get it.  And so this saga continues...I can do nothing without Christ.

Blood of Christ, inebriate me

This line of the Anima Christi has always stood out to me.  "Inebriate me?"  Obviously, we have a very base understanding of inebriation.  "The kind of drunkenness we understand in our ordinary use of the word is a debasement or what true inebriation should be, that of what the poets and mystics have written when they said they were drunk with the love of Christ, inebriated with God."

Alcohol may lift & excite the senses, but ultimately, it is a depressent.  The stimulating effects wear off.  "Inebriation of the spirit is different....we should be enlivened, lifted up above our ordinary functioning, abilities and even potential, by the precious blood of Christ... In the true inebriation of the spirit, the antithesis of all that is preverse or evil or self-indulgent, there is a strength beyond what we could ever have ourself but which never lapses into languour." 

How could I ever survive motherhood without Christ?  This month I am discovering that the very beginning of a woman's cyce has potential for destruction and should not be written off since it can not technically be classified as "PMS."  Yes, I will be talking with my NaPro MD about this.  The control of my temper, control of my emotions are (right now) the little sacrifices I am being asked (by Christ) to make.  "In all the hidden, humdrum martyrdoms that are a part of real Christian daily living, one must be inebriated to agree to them....we die to our own preferences, we die to our tart response..we die to the caustic reply that pride proposes...one goes singing into all these inivtations to the little deaths of every day only when one is inebriated with the blood of Christ." 

"When what is asked for us in daily life seems...too much, too much to give, too much patience to sustain, too much meekness to achive, it remains wholly possible to turn to Christ, who shed all his precious blood that we might be inebriated by it's effects, to achieve ends far beyond our own unaided powers.  The more some things seem 'too much', the more inebriation we need.  And so the more we must turn to the precious blood of Christ streaming out through all his sacraments, given to us every morning in Holy Communion, cleansing us in every sacramental absolution...Why leave untapped the resources we have to be spritually inebriated?"  

Hello conviction.  Lord, let me not leave these resources untapped.

from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.

reflections on Anima Christi

Thank you for the beautiful and heartfelt reflections following my last post.  It can be challenging to be  publicly honest...especially in the world of foster/adoptive parenting.  I felt the risk was worth it and your responses affirm that for me.

I was gifted with this lovely little reflection book to process the beautiful prayer that I mentioned, The Anima Christi.

I am going to try to share some of these beautiful reflections for my benefit, and possibly yours.

Anima Christi, Sanctifica MeSoul of Christ, sanctify me

"Our weakened and damaged soul, yet so beautiful and glorious and full of potential for eternal perfection, must find the strength to actuate its potential, not in itself, but in Christ....Perfect human fulfillment is to allow one's self to be completely taken over by Christ...The more Chrirstlike we are, the more animated we are...We are progressively "dead" insofar as we do not live in Christ."

Last year there was a "children's" book relased.  It's crude title related to an attitude that parents may regress to while dealing with a tough bedtime.  It trended on facebook.  The title stuck in my head and unfortunately now enters my mind on occasion.  I wish that I could erase those words from my mind. 

Without Christ we are dead.  We need to seek to be "taken over by Christ." 

"When we pray 'Anima Christi, sanctifica me' we are indeed making a bold and dangerous prayer, a tremendously exacting prayer.  We are saying we want to be emptied out, to experience our own kenosis as Christ experienced his, totally given, totally spent.  'Soul of Christ, sanctify me.'  It will not be painless.  No passion ever was."from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.

steeped in motherhood

When I had my daughter after 5 years of infertility, motherhood was sheer bliss.  It was incredible!  I was sleep deprived and it was challenging - but I WAS A MOM!  I had given birth to a precious teeny little angel.  I was the source of comfort, nutrition...love.  I carried her in a sling.  I used beautiful new cloth diapers.  I nursed on demand.  I co-slept.  Attachment parenting to the fullest! 

And then my beautiful, teeny angel became a toddler. 

She was very loud.  She did not love to sleep.  She pulled out all the toilet paper, spilled out all the dog food and wrote all over herself...daily.  At one point she even added a LARGE family portrait to her bedroom wall in marker.  One of her many graffiti art projects.  All the while, she was so precious and, though challenging, we wanted to add to our family more than ever.

 After secondary infertility, we were so blessed to become parents again through foster care. 

Augie came in with a bang.  He was sick.  He took out our whole family for the first month.  As a foster mom the bonding came slowly.  We were not permitted to co-sleep.  Slowly, those not so new cloth diapers were more of an inconvenience when dropping him off for family visits.  My hands were full.  I was content and for the first time ever in my married life, I was not actively seeking to conceive. 

After another year, I had another toddler on my hands.  This one particularly loved to eat dirt.  Also coal, stink bugs and dog food. 

And slowly my desire for motherhood again grew stronger.  I refused to get a family picture because it seemed a spot in our family was missing.  Rosie was praying for a sister.  My heart was open to another child.  And with that, Catie arrived.

Catie can scream like nobody's business.  Same as before, no co sleeping.  By now cloth diapers are lucky to be used as rags once in awhile.  Graffiti is a regular part of our home decor.  And sadly, cry it out is often all we can manage.  By bedtime, i am done. 

With her recent adoption, following Augie's 2011 adoption, my hands and my heart are overflowing.  Six years ago, I would not believe this could possibly be my future.  I am so blessed.  It is helpful for me to take a minute, sit back and see this.

"I know that God won't give me more than I can handle"

And God trusts me quite a bit.  Rosie is 4, Augie is 2, Catie is 1.  All that suffice to say the glow of new motherhood has worn off and I am now fully steeped in motherhood. 

When Augie reached that lovely age of toddler, I felt the strong need to address my PMS.  I added an anti-anxiety med and for awhile that seemed to take the edge off my mood swings.  Well, meds like that add a host of other troubles.  For example, NEVER try to just stop taking them.

After time, that little blue pill wasn't helping.   It was increasingly difficult to respond calmly to a stressful child situation.  One of my New Year's resolutions was to stop spanking.  I am against spanking for so many reasons.  IF (and I don't believe there is) a legitimately good reason for spanking, I was not using those reasons.  I was spanking because I was angry.

Recently I stopped by the Padre Pio Shrine to thank him for interceding and bringing Catie into our family.  I had two kids in the car and really only stopped because I was driving by.  I did not enter a building.  I simply pulled up to this statue, said thank you and touched the stigmata in his statue hand. 

Before my car even got back to the main road, I was sobbing.  Suddenly, the state of my soul was apparent and I had an immense need for confession NOW.  As I continued the drive to see family I was crying an ugly, purgative cry.  Fortunately, I know a few priests and I was blessed to find a confessor and attend adoration...while my family visited with the kids.  Confession is the big opportunity for reset, as my confessor encouraged. 

So now, I am struggling through this.  My greatest hope and prayer is to love my kids with a positive, affirming kind of love.  It has been a good week...but PMS is looming (side note, I am free of the little blue pill (yay!) and working with a NaPro MD on a more natural PMS treatment) I put this out there because I need to.  Accountability?  Prayers?  Yes.  The reality of my parenting is not as beautiful as a blog always seems to indicate.  And so I pray.

Padre Pio, please help!  Help me and all the mothers who struggle to be patient and kind in the midst of stress.  Help us to find the grace necessary to walk away.  Help us to build up our children and not tear them down. 

One of my favorite prayers and the one I am praying for this intention.

The Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen

Baptized

It looks like she has been put through the wringer.  Well...I guess, technically she was.

1213 Holy Baptism is the basis of the whole Christian life, the gateway to life in the Spirit, and the door which gives access to the other sacraments. Through Baptism we are freed from sin and reborn as sons of God; we become members of Christ, are incorporated into the Church and made sharers in her mission: "Baptism is the sacrament of regeneration through water in the word."

A few weeks ago I was concerned about  Catie's conception and birth circumstances.  I was worried that her past might have a negative impact on her future.  I was worried about the evil that may have entered her life through those circumstances.  I was considering how we might be able to bring her to be prayed with.  


Then my brother in law taught be a very important lesson.  Within the Sacrament of Baptism, an actual exorcism is preformed as a part of the ceremony.  Prior to the water washing away all her sins, she is exorcised of any evil spirits. When I learned this I could not wait for April 29th to arrive!!  


Today Catie was baptized into the Catholic Church.  Adopted as a daughter of God.  How cool is that?  Our gotcha day was April 25th.  God's gotcha day was today, April 29th.  :)  I love how He loves us!  \

Baptism is God's most beautiful and magnificent gift. . . .We call it gift, grace, anointing, enlightenment, garment of immortality, bath of rebirth, seal, and most precious gift. It is called gift because it is conferred on those who bring nothing of their own; grace since it is given even to the guilty; Baptism because sin is buried in the water; anointing for it is priestly and royal as are those who are anointed; enlightenment because it radiates light; clothing since it veils our shame; bath because it washes; and seal as it is our guard and the sign of God's Lordship. St. Gregory Of Nazianzus, Oratio 40,3-4:PG 36,361C.

keeping vigil by candlelight

While life outside is normal and kids are playing on their spring break, inside our home is different.  It is a place of respite.  It is dark and lit only by candlelight.  It is Holy Thursday, we are making space in our lives for the Lord.  We are fasting from artificial light. 

Parenthood is stressful.  The most stressful period of my life thus far.  For me, adolescence was a time of restlessness and rebellion.  Young adulthood was a sort of quiet waiting with an anxiousness to know the future.  As a young married dealing with five years of infertility was pure anguish.  And  now, here I am.  Blessed parenthood.  And I am stressed.

This opportunity for peace  is a welcome moment in our life.

Today I was hoping to bring our family to the Vigil.  Two sick children plus one husband who needs to study means our life got in the way of our plans.  We watched a bit of the vigil on EWTN and now I am keeping vigil at home by candlelight.

Lord, be with us.  Helps us to enter in.

I am going dark.  Stopping only to share our experience by blog.  We are adopting this (read #2) wonderful suggestion and will be dark until Easter Sunday.

Happy feast day to my wonderful brother in law and all our clergy!

From the Chrism Mass (the bishop addresses the people):
My brothers and sisters, pray for your priests.  Ask the Lord to bless them with the fullness of his love, to help them be faithful ministers of Christ the High Priest, so that they ill be able to lead you to him, the fountain of your salvation.  Lord Jesus Christ, hear us and answer our prayer.

"Reclaim your Joy"

This is what the Lord spoke to me tonight in adoration.

I thought I was driving to bible study but since it study was cancelled on account of the holiday, it ended up being "date night with Jesus."  It was kind of like when you are dating and your boyfriend does something really cool to surprise you.  Monday night. I am sitting at the Church parking lot and Jesus was waiting for me inside.  "Surprise!"

I LOVED THAT!  When I walked in, the only other person in the chapel walked out.  I was alone before the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.  I think He planned this.  :)

I prayed for you!!  By name I prayed for everyone who has requested prayers, newly had a baby, newly adopted, painfully waiting.  You were all on my heart.  I prayed three fervent Hail Marys for my brother in law.  I prayed for my in laws.  I prayed for my family.

Intercessory prayer led me deeper and the Lord started talking.  I had a couple of things I was looking for inspiration on:
1. Living Out Lent night for women I am running next month
2. Theology of the Body retreat that I am doing with teen girls
3. Personal life, prayer life, etc.

I believe I have a theme for #1 "Lead Me to the Cross" and I ended up reading the Crucifixion accounts in all four gospels to see the role of women at the cross. 

I hope God can rock the girl's socks off for #2.  I was contemplating how a teenage girl could live "Free, Total, Faithful and Fruitful."  Cool stuff!  I am also so psyched about this opportunity and totally bringing "Rosie" dressed up in princess garb to remind the girls of when we all truly believed we were princesses.   

#3.  God led me to a verse.  Psalm 13.  My bible practically fell open to it.  I actually had a pencil resting in the page.  Surprise surprise.  Ummm, so I totally forgot, but this is the SAME VERSE God sent me to the last time I was in adoration.  I think He was trying to make a point!  Underlined, circled and verse that is going on my kitchen window: "Grant my heart JOY in your help."

I LOVE the word Joy.  At an Unbound conference in the Spring I was blessed to receive the Father's blessing via Neal Lozano.  His prayer was about the blessing of my name, Elisabeth and how during Mary's visit to Elizabeth the infant lept in her womb (for joy).  The blessing was for joy within me.  During adoration tonight I felt the Lord urging me to "reclaim joy in (my) life."  Lately, as a wife and mother I am more tired and less enthusiastic.  So, I am holding on to this new blessing and will be seeking my JOY.

Finally, my marching orders for the Month (from this post).
S (spiritual) - offer up my little sufferings for my husband
P (physical) - morning exercises with the kids
I (intellectual) - read one book, any book, this month
C (creative/communicative) - to try to have post-bedtime (=kids in bed) dinner with my husband 1x week
E (emotional) - speak words of affirmation to fill hubby's love tank

Reflections from Adoration

Every October our parish hosts a month of adoration.  Today I had the great privilege to attend, thanks to the fantastic idea of a friend who suggested a kid-swap.  In this little chapel, I have prayed through many years of struggles.  Due to the blessing of my children, this is the first time I have been able to attend in a few years. 

I had a fantastic time of reflecting upon the goodness of the Lord.  As I was wrapping up my time, I felt the Lord calling me to Psalm 13.  In my bible it was entitled "Prayer in Time of Illness".  "Ummm, God?"  But I read through.

Psalm 13
I

2How long, LORD? Will you utterly forget me?

How long will you hide your face from me?^a

3How long must I carry sorrow in my soul,

grief in my heart day after day?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

II
4Look upon me, answer me, LORD, my God!
Give light to my eyes lest I sleep in death,
5Lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed,”
lest my foes rejoice at my downfall.^b

III
6But I trust in your faithfulness.
Grant my heart joy in your help,
That I may sing to the LORD,
"How good our God has been to me!"^c

* [Psalm 13] A typical lament, in which the psalmist feels forgotten by God (Ps 13:2–3)—note the force of the repetition of “How long.” The references to enemies may suggest some have wished evil on the psalmist. The heartfelt prayer (Ps 13:4–5) passes on a statement of trust (Ps 13:6a), intended to reinforce the prayer, and a vow to thank God when deliverance has come (Ps 13:6b).

At part III it started to make sense.  I reread it a couple of times and then my time in this little chapel made even more sense.   For so many years I felt forgotten by God.  I was carrying sorrow in my soul from the burden of Infertility.  That particular cross shook my faith to the core.  Through the years my husband and brother in law (a priest) would try to offer encouragement and words of inspiration.  I did not see the face of God in my suffering.  I was mad. 

I struggled, truly struggled through this.  I wanted to find God but WHY would He make the greatest desire of my heart to be a mother and then withhold from me that ability, that gift. 

My all time favorite verse, as I matured in my struggle, was from Genesis.  The story of Jacob wrestling with the angel.  If you have not read it, go!  It is from Genesis 32 verse 25-29.  The line...my life line: "But Jacob said, “I will not let you go until you bless me.”

Tonight we celebrated our anniversary with a lovely evening out.  I am SO blessed with my children and it is SO nice to have a night with out them with the man who started it all.

For me, it did take being blessed to truly speak that last verse.  I can look in reflection and pray "I trust in your faithfulness. Grant my heart joy in your help, That I may sing to the LORD,"How good our God has been to me!"

 

Feast of the Exaltation of the Cross

And being found in human form he humbled himself and became obedient unto death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2, 8-11)

 For all those still dealing with the cross and suffering of infertility...I am praying for you today. 

Home School, 3 days in

Today was day 3 of my homeschooling career (pre-school).  I was super resistant, especially in light of the placement of baby love.  I had not prepared much at all (with the exception of thinking about decorating a home school room).  The day before my planned start date I sat down at the computer and spent an hour looking through resources, including more decorating ideas.  <--- self admittedly, this is my biggest draw to home school right now.

Day 1

Here we go!

After three days, I must admit, I enjoy this dedicated time!  For Rosie, right now school is mostly about role playing.  She loves to play the part of the student (including wearing a back pack and school shoes) and she loves to call me "hey teacher".  Our goal is mild, one hour, three days a week.  We do lunch, put the babes to bed and come downstairs. 

In our hour, we start with the Lords Prayer, say the Pledge of Allegiance, spend time reading a bible story, talking about a virtue or the saint of the day; move into handwriting/letter recognition and close with an activity/song or story. 

Based on a recommendation, I am using ideas from Handwriting without Tears for the teaching order and multi-sensory learning ideas (letters out of play dough, in chalk and today...shaving cream).  I love printables from Homeschool Creations and I have pulled some faith study ideas from Lisa Hendey.

Feast of the Holy Name of Mary

    

Ave Maria!

Today, my ideas were pulled from Shower of Roses.  Since we did not have school on Mary's birthday, we made a big deal out of today's feast...Holy Name of Mary.  It was wonderful.  I notice that after our homeschool hour Rosie is extra snuggly and loving.  She loves the time together as much as me. 

Crowning Mary..with flowers from our garden

While the jury is certainly out on how long this will last, for now...we enjoy our time playing school. 

baby love's status

Here are the players in our drama:
BL = baby love, the beautiful little 6mo who all this revolves around
SW = social worker for BL
FM = current foster mom (who is our current point of contact)
BA = biological aunt

Monday morning BA was essentially a no-show for her scheduled visit, so that visit was cancelled (good for us).  Everything, including important conversation was moved to Thursday.  Thursday evening I called FM to check in and got the following report:
The visit happened as scheduled and SW sat down with BA to inform her of their concerns about her raising BL.  Primary concerns are BA's health issues and BL's medical needs.  BA was very upset.  This was the first time she was informed of the possibility BL may not be moving to her house.  Incidentally, we have known this since mid-May when we were asked to be a back up family.  Essentially, the county was trying to build a case during that time so they have more to hold up in court later if needed.  Back to BA.  She feels discriminated against related to her age and she is upset because she is kinship while another family (us) are not.  She was told she had two options.  1. She can fight, which essentially means being prepared to go to court against the county.  2. She can let go, come to terms with not raising baby love but still maintain her status and relationship as BA.  She has until Monday to decide what she wants to do.

As Monday is a holiday, I probably will not know more until Tuesday....and taking into account this is foster world we are talking about, it could even be longer than that.

What I imagine happening....if they choose option 1,  BL probably will remain with FM indefinitely.  If they choose option 2, BL would probably be transitioning to our home before too long.   

We will be picking up BL on Saturday morning and have her through Monday night.  Which means I need to get working because I am not going to be getting much done after tomorrow.  :) 

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!  Will keep y'all posted!  Thanks for the prayers.  Oh, and a friend asked who she should pray to for intercession.  St Colette of Corbie came to my head, so I am praying for her intercession.  AND, it is possible St Gianna has her hand in this too.  I met BL for the first time 1 week after praying at her shrine. 

and me of little faith

This morning God showed up.  We thought we had two no's to two separate prayer requests.  Within 5 minutes, we got two "maybe's".

Baby Love on Thursday!
Job Interview on Friday!

"Baby Love" is the name I have decided to give to the sweet little girl we met in May (more details here).  She is now almost 6 months old.  Things are back to rocky with the kinship family and we are still needed as a back up for her.  Well, we will have her for the whole day, this Thursday, at an amusement park (foster care event we had planned to attend).  I am so trying to not get my hopes up.  The county will be going to court to discuss their concerns with the identified kinship family - not sure when.

AND, this morning we got a call we have been waiting for, job interview!  Friday at 8am for my husband.  Please pray! 

Thank you Lord for the dose of humility and the reminder that I am not in control!  I trust in you!

In love with a man...

Around 1994 I began falling for a man.  Over the years, he won my heart.  His tender, gentle love.  His kind, encouraging words.  He invited me to be a part of his life and in doing so he changed my life.  Without his deep deep love for me, I would not have become who I am.  It was a bit of a long distance relationship, but I never felt the distance. It wasn't until May 18, 2000 that I actually saw him for the first time. 

Love.at.first.sight.  Well...I had fallen for him before then.  I was walking down the road and heard his voice.  I began to run.  Before long I was looking into his face.  

 

Tomorrow, the man I love is receiving the title blessed.  I already know he is a saint.  He has been IN with God for quite some time.   He is my hero.  His is a gift to the world.  He is a gift to me.  My love for this man runs so deep.  His death could never change that love.  John Paul II, I love you!!

Giovanni Paolo [Life Teen] from Life Teen on Vimeo.