I was asked to guest post next week on Foster2Forever about the benefits of open adoption. I am not usually at a loss for words, but it has been a challenging post to compose. I firmly believe in the benefits of open adoption. The ironic part is we are in the middle of a challenging situation that will impact Catie's life.
Back in the summer we went through a court battle with bio-aunt and bio-uncle who were fighting for Catie to be theirs. It was a very unique set of circumstances. Ultimately, the county did not feel it was in her best interest. Their lawyer essentially represented us (as county foster parents) to keep her. I was asked to testify in front of biological parents and relatives about how we love Catie, how she reacts negatively following visits with the aunt and how she is thriving in our routine. The judge made it very clear how important she felt the family connection was. She had me stand up in the back of the court room and asked what I saw could work to allow Catie to maintain a relationship with her Aunt and Uncle. I stated that I had once a month visits in mind. The judge seemed to accept this and challenged the Aunt to accept this (who was clearly emotionally upset from the decision that Catie would not be theirs). No visitation was ordered, essentially leaving degree of contact in our hands.
Since that time we have scheduled a once a month visit with the Aunt & Uncle. I talk to the aunt on the phone. It is a very brief conversation. I drop Catie at the door (where the uncle picks her up). The Uncle returns her to my house three hours later. In 6 months, I have not physically seen the Aunt.
I asked to set up a breakfast meeting with the Aunt & Uncle. Primary motivation, we don't know them. They have not extended themselves to us or attempted to form a relationship with us. Secondary motivation, to put the ball in their court for scheduling visits.
That breakfast meeting was this morning.
Bottom line, I do not feel comfortable with Catie having unsupervised visits in their home. There are other members of the household whom I do not trust to be unsupervised with my daughter. I KNOW that if I offer park visits, offer to come with Catie to supervise, etc etc, it is going to upset the aunt, who specifically wants unsupervised visits in her home.
But. She is our daughter. It is our job to protect her and keep her from harm. I know that this will likely be the last we see or hear from the aunt (who after this morning still believes we are okay with monthly unsupervised visits).
We are taking this to prayer. Truly seeking God's will. Please pray with us for this situation.
5 comments:
Wow...that's a tough one but it sounds like you know the right thing to do and just need to figure out how to broach it with the Aunt. A friend had a similar situation. She married a widower with a toddler. His MIL wanted once-a-month weekend visits with her granddaughter. Everyone was in agreement but then former MIL began being passive-aggressive and antagonistic because she felt my friend married her son-in-law too soon after his wife's death. They eventually told MIL that they valued her relationship with the little girl but there were some non-negotiables that needed to happen before that would continue. My friends made a list and the husband presented it to MIL as HIS idea (since she couldn't stand his new wife) and things are a *little* better. All that to say that you and hubby should decide on the non-negotiables and stick with them. Hopefully, the Aunt will be reasonable and if she isn't then it serves to confirm your concerns. Praying for God's direction and clarity!
Wow, what a tough situation. I don't know if I could handle it. Praying for wisdom, clarity and peace.
You are right - open adoption is a challenge! and it may not always be in the best interests of the child to maintain frequent contact with biologicals. We are in a similar situation - we started out being a foster to adopt situation, but in court along the way, it changed to a guardianship. From what I've read online, guardianship or conservatorship varies from state to state. In our situation, the bio parents only have the right to visit our girls - nothing else. So they see their bio mom once a month for an hour, and we always supervise that ourselves, make sure it takes place in a public place, and document everything that is said. It is the bio parents responsibility to contact us to set it up. I pick the activity and have vetoed activities that they suggest if I don't think it is appropriate. We see our girls behavior regress after visits ... it is something we have dealt with now for over 2 years. If it were my choice, we would only maintain contact once or twice a year, so that our girls knew who they were. One thing about foster care and the "system" that I have questioned is that it continues to nuture relationships between children and parents, even when return home is not a possibility. Why?? We hope and pray that our girls do not make the same mistakes in life as their biological parents ... so we limit that influence as much as possible.
It will not be a pleasant conversation or comfortable for you to supervise a visit when your presence isn't wanted - but stick to what your mother's intuition is telling you. Many times that is the Holy Spirit speaking in a still, quiet voice.
It sounds like there was a reason that the judge felt it was inappropriate to place your child with the bio aunt/uncle. That reason should be sufficient enough to require that any and all visits be supervised.
God bless you! It is not easy or as "ideal" as open adoptions are characterized to be.
Our daughter's adoption is open and I have nothing but praise for our situation. We have been blessed! Her birth mother and extended birth family are awesome. We exchange letters, pictures and emails regularly and gifts on important days. We have not had any visits because her birth mother lives 10 hours away and does not have a way to make a visit work at this time in her life. I am hoping that we can meet up someday and Isabella can meet her biological sister who was born last month.
Our son is in a semi open adoption. NO visits. NO contact. We just send pictures to our social worker 2 times a year. The birth parents can check with her if they want an update. They are the ones that don't want contact. I am kinda sad for him, but I know God has a reason for everything!
This is such a tough situation. I completely understand all your concerns. Open adoption when it means letters and photo exchanges...is one thing...but when it means unsupervised visits with someone you don't know at all--changes the situation. Praying for wisdom for you tonight.
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