I have been praying for...

Waiting in Joyful Hope,

It has been my honor to pray for you this month.  When I got my assignment and checked out your blog, I read your story and wanted to send big hugs.  It was a special honor to pray for a still-waiting blogger, remembering the great and heavy time of waiting and waiting and waiting.

As I read through your old posts, I saw you actually linked to my blog to share your NaPro story (which made me even more excited to pray for you).

I have offered Mass for you and included you in our St Andrews Christmas Novena.  I will keep you close to my thoughts and in my prayers...especially as your start your foster care process soon!  We received our first placement three months after we started our training...I will be especially praying for a quick referral and the child meant just for you two.

With loves of hugs and love!
e

from a person dealing with anger, on this tragedy

I was oblivious up until 3pm.  I got home from my daughter's Christmas pageant only to see my facebook feed filled up by comments from sad and grieving mothers.  I quickly became one of them.  Wondering along with them "how the hell can this happen? What is wrong with people???  What the hell is wrong with our world?"

After I cried...sobbed...I started to think.

St Therese of Liseux said she was capable of the worst kind of crimes.

Reviewing the facebook feed again, I see most of the posts coming from people of faith.  Many, like me, begging our Nation to turn back to God.

What is the difference between this kind of monster and us?  God.  Not in believing He exists, but believing He is bigger than the challenges, the despair, the anger.

I have my own feelings and judgments about modern day psychotherapy.  My therapist has helped me confirm that my suspicions are not far from truth.  He mentioned a place near him called "All About You Therapy."  Is therapy enabling?  Do medications exist to make us comfortably numb to the truth of our sinfulness?

I am in therapy to be held accountable.  To change.  To get this wretched, vile, evil thing out of me so that I can live up to the goodness I was created for.

My homework is to accept humiliation - to feel bad about my bad actions.  To accept whatever I can that will lower me and stop feeding my pride & self love.  I must decrease so he must increase.

I spank for self preservation and in those times I display anger, it is all about me. It should not be about me.  It should be about Him.  Ironically and appropriately my cell phone ring is a song from Audrey Assad titled "For Love of You."

My actions should not be for love of me.  They must be for love of Him.  I can not spank my children because I love God.  I must treat my children with kindness and tenderness for love of Him.

Rosie is in Pre-K.  She could be in Kindergarten   That could be my daughter laying there cold.  :*-(  I sob and shudder at the thought and for the sake of the families.  It is time like this that Satan seems so big.  It is times like this that evil seems insurmountable.  The feeling that I can do everything and it is still not enough to protect my child from this.  and this is when we cry out "God HELP US!"  And - He does!  He is so here.  He is so bigger.  God help our nation turn back to you.  And I am completely speaking of those who profess Christianity.  ALL of us need to turn to you.  You are so missing from our equation.  When we can't make sense of this tragedy, we must turn to you.  God be with us.  Be with our families.  Be with our children.  Be with sinners.  Be with us, sinners.

Lord, most of all tonight, be with the families in Connecticut 

"And in despair I bowed my head;
There is no peace on earth," I said;
For hate is strong, and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

"God is not dead, nor does he sleep,
For Christ is here; His spirit near;
Brings peace on earth, good will to men."

therapy

Life has been pushing in hard.  

This morning the door bell rang, when Rosie's carpool arrived.  She was eating, shoeless and not ready.  I sent her to school with pink shoes (not allowed) and no jacket (and it was in the 30s).  I came home and Augie had peed in his car seat (and all over his 2nd set of clothes for the day) and Catie had pooped out of her diaper and all over her clothes...

I was starting to think about if I need to ask the doc to up my meds to handle the stress.  I have been walking around chanting "i hate....".  I have been calling my kids "you people" and saying words to them that I would not allow them to say to another person.  

....so, this afternoon my children are hungry, tired and 2/3 naked, and it dawns on me, I have a therapy appointment in 5 minutes!!!  

Luckily Mac& Cheese goes down fast, I got the little ones in bed and the big one set up with a movie, grabbed a cup of tea...and logged on to skype. 

And, it was the most incredible blessing and gift to myself.  It was God stepping in to say "I am here in the midst of this."  And I can't explain how the grace flowed.  

The idea of therapy was something that I have long declared that I would never need and certainly I would NEVER go. 

And here I am.  And the bill is big.  But the words are powerful.  In my very limited experience with my therapist, I am starting to gain some very important insights. 

Pride & Self Love. 

My therapist made a joke that unfortunately insurance companies won't accept that as a diagnosis.  

This thing, this monster is big.  My anger feeds it.  Humility, recognizing failure, recognizing it is about Him and not me kills it.  This monster is inside me but it is not me.  

I am so grateful for someone who speaks my language and calls me to a purifying holiness.  It is not about feeling good.  It is about feeling bad at the recognition of my sinfulness and letting God take it from there.  It is about Him increasing and me decreasing.  

Let the work begin.

wait

The anticipation is killing my husband. He said the little sign on our mantle is his hope and motivation. Why is it so hard to wait?

The pressure to decorate and celebrate pushes harder each year...as evidenced to me by Black Friday intruding on Thanksgiving.

It is so counter cultural to wait. It is like my own rebellious little fast.

Thus far we have a rosemary Jessie tree, a few lights on the mantle and two purple signs to remind us to hold off.

Happy Advent!