Blood of Christ, inebriate me

So, as I am sitting on the back deck this morning, with my kids playing, reading my Anima Christi prayer book, the neighbor comes over.  He informs me that yesterday he found my two year old outside, in his yard, where he was about to back his truck.  The neighbor sent him back inside.  IF, this was an isolated incident, okay.  Unfortunately, I can add this to the list of a couple terrifying, his-guardian-angel-saved-him incidents. 

I have caught Augie trying to escape into the back yard a couple of times.  I thought I caught him every time.  Aparantly not.  And, up goes security...again.  Husband will be brining home locks to add to the top of the door.  The last incident resulted in the purchase of an additional baby gate (to block access to the garage door) and door knob protectors, which he has since mastered.  We are anxiously awaiting our adoption tax credit to purchase a much needed fence for our back yard.  Whether it is because he is mentally challenged in some way (yet unknown), or because he is a boy, or because he is two...he needs a greater degree of security and protection than Rosie ever did.

How many times must I say "do not leave this house without asking mommy?"  And, clearly, he still does not get it.  And so this saga continues...I can do nothing without Christ.

Blood of Christ, inebriate me

This line of the Anima Christi has always stood out to me.  "Inebriate me?"  Obviously, we have a very base understanding of inebriation.  "The kind of drunkenness we understand in our ordinary use of the word is a debasement or what true inebriation should be, that of what the poets and mystics have written when they said they were drunk with the love of Christ, inebriated with God."

Alcohol may lift & excite the senses, but ultimately, it is a depressent.  The stimulating effects wear off.  "Inebriation of the spirit is different....we should be enlivened, lifted up above our ordinary functioning, abilities and even potential, by the precious blood of Christ... In the true inebriation of the spirit, the antithesis of all that is preverse or evil or self-indulgent, there is a strength beyond what we could ever have ourself but which never lapses into languour." 

How could I ever survive motherhood without Christ?  This month I am discovering that the very beginning of a woman's cyce has potential for destruction and should not be written off since it can not technically be classified as "PMS."  Yes, I will be talking with my NaPro MD about this.  The control of my temper, control of my emotions are (right now) the little sacrifices I am being asked (by Christ) to make.  "In all the hidden, humdrum martyrdoms that are a part of real Christian daily living, one must be inebriated to agree to them....we die to our own preferences, we die to our tart response..we die to the caustic reply that pride proposes...one goes singing into all these inivtations to the little deaths of every day only when one is inebriated with the blood of Christ." 

"When what is asked for us in daily life seems...too much, too much to give, too much patience to sustain, too much meekness to achive, it remains wholly possible to turn to Christ, who shed all his precious blood that we might be inebriated by it's effects, to achieve ends far beyond our own unaided powers.  The more some things seem 'too much', the more inebriation we need.  And so the more we must turn to the precious blood of Christ streaming out through all his sacraments, given to us every morning in Holy Communion, cleansing us in every sacramental absolution...Why leave untapped the resources we have to be spritually inebriated?"  

Hello conviction.  Lord, let me not leave these resources untapped.

from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.

today we marched for life

 and on a lighter note...yesterday we ate ice cream. 

Body of Christ, save me

Body of Christ, save me

"A tired body counsels the mind: 'Stop working now.  Let us rest together.' And we know what happens when the mind refuses to follow the direction of the body.  A very fatigued body can lie awake all night long because the mind says, 'No, I will keep on thinking', when the body has said, 'It's time to stop now and for us to go to sleep together.'  Body and soul cannot sleep apart...
...Christ is the perfect whole person, body and soul working in perfect coordination. Just as it is his animating principle alone that will sanctify ours, so it is to his body that we must turn when we are torn by temptation, racked by passion, week in langour, dispirited with fatigue, when our bodily desires get out of hand....Ought this not be a favorite prayer in time of temptation...'Body of Christ, save me!"
from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Today is Peak+10.  For non charters out there, that means PMS big time.  It has been a bit rocky.  Yesterday was a ridiculously challenging day.  The little two were HORRIBLE.  Thanks be to God we were home and even more so, that my husband was home with me.  Catie and Augie were in a battle of the screaming, nothing could squelch them.  I am not talking about a fun, playful type of screaming.  More of a blood curdling, I am about to die type of screaming.  Nothing we could do was resolving this screaming (they were feeding off each other).  It lasted nearly an hour. 

Bedtime lasted two hours beyond normal and that was after the end of the screaming.  My husband's one comment was to be careful what we are shouting as our windows are open and we have neighbors that live close.  Evidently I said something to Augie about needing a spanking.  No one was spanked.  That was a miracle.

When our anger is raging, we must cry out "Body of Christ, save me!"

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.

a blog post SO worth sharing

TIME magazine chatters, THIS BLOG is a must read. "I don’t much care if you breastfed your kid until they started kindergarten, or if you fed them formula from day one....When it comes to issues of motherhood, there is one issue I care about: some kids don’t have one."

And now...go search some photo lists yourself:

Birth Mother's Day

I had not heard of this until today.  Evidently, a group of birth mother's in Seattle begin remembering this day, the day before Mother's day, as Birth Mother's Day.

A friend on facebook shared the Everything to Me music video by Mark Shultz, a message of thanks to his birth mom.

I am bringing back one of my favorite birth mother videos - Can I Live by Nick Cannon


And of course, especially remembering in prayer those who still long for motherhood.

reflections on Anima Christi

Thank you for the beautiful and heartfelt reflections following my last post.  It can be challenging to be  publicly honest...especially in the world of foster/adoptive parenting.  I felt the risk was worth it and your responses affirm that for me.

I was gifted with this lovely little reflection book to process the beautiful prayer that I mentioned, The Anima Christi.

I am going to try to share some of these beautiful reflections for my benefit, and possibly yours.

Anima Christi, Sanctifica MeSoul of Christ, sanctify me

"Our weakened and damaged soul, yet so beautiful and glorious and full of potential for eternal perfection, must find the strength to actuate its potential, not in itself, but in Christ....Perfect human fulfillment is to allow one's self to be completely taken over by Christ...The more Chrirstlike we are, the more animated we are...We are progressively "dead" insofar as we do not live in Christ."

Last year there was a "children's" book relased.  It's crude title related to an attitude that parents may regress to while dealing with a tough bedtime.  It trended on facebook.  The title stuck in my head and unfortunately now enters my mind on occasion.  I wish that I could erase those words from my mind. 

Without Christ we are dead.  We need to seek to be "taken over by Christ." 

"When we pray 'Anima Christi, sanctifica me' we are indeed making a bold and dangerous prayer, a tremendously exacting prayer.  We are saying we want to be emptied out, to experience our own kenosis as Christ experienced his, totally given, totally spent.  'Soul of Christ, sanctify me.'  It will not be painless.  No passion ever was."from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.

steeped in motherhood

When I had my daughter after 5 years of infertility, motherhood was sheer bliss.  It was incredible!  I was sleep deprived and it was challenging - but I WAS A MOM!  I had given birth to a precious teeny little angel.  I was the source of comfort, nutrition...love.  I carried her in a sling.  I used beautiful new cloth diapers.  I nursed on demand.  I co-slept.  Attachment parenting to the fullest! 

And then my beautiful, teeny angel became a toddler. 

She was very loud.  She did not love to sleep.  She pulled out all the toilet paper, spilled out all the dog food and wrote all over herself...daily.  At one point she even added a LARGE family portrait to her bedroom wall in marker.  One of her many graffiti art projects.  All the while, she was so precious and, though challenging, we wanted to add to our family more than ever.

 After secondary infertility, we were so blessed to become parents again through foster care. 

Augie came in with a bang.  He was sick.  He took out our whole family for the first month.  As a foster mom the bonding came slowly.  We were not permitted to co-sleep.  Slowly, those not so new cloth diapers were more of an inconvenience when dropping him off for family visits.  My hands were full.  I was content and for the first time ever in my married life, I was not actively seeking to conceive. 

After another year, I had another toddler on my hands.  This one particularly loved to eat dirt.  Also coal, stink bugs and dog food. 

And slowly my desire for motherhood again grew stronger.  I refused to get a family picture because it seemed a spot in our family was missing.  Rosie was praying for a sister.  My heart was open to another child.  And with that, Catie arrived.

Catie can scream like nobody's business.  Same as before, no co sleeping.  By now cloth diapers are lucky to be used as rags once in awhile.  Graffiti is a regular part of our home decor.  And sadly, cry it out is often all we can manage.  By bedtime, i am done. 

With her recent adoption, following Augie's 2011 adoption, my hands and my heart are overflowing.  Six years ago, I would not believe this could possibly be my future.  I am so blessed.  It is helpful for me to take a minute, sit back and see this.

"I know that God won't give me more than I can handle"

And God trusts me quite a bit.  Rosie is 4, Augie is 2, Catie is 1.  All that suffice to say the glow of new motherhood has worn off and I am now fully steeped in motherhood. 

When Augie reached that lovely age of toddler, I felt the strong need to address my PMS.  I added an anti-anxiety med and for awhile that seemed to take the edge off my mood swings.  Well, meds like that add a host of other troubles.  For example, NEVER try to just stop taking them.

After time, that little blue pill wasn't helping.   It was increasingly difficult to respond calmly to a stressful child situation.  One of my New Year's resolutions was to stop spanking.  I am against spanking for so many reasons.  IF (and I don't believe there is) a legitimately good reason for spanking, I was not using those reasons.  I was spanking because I was angry.

Recently I stopped by the Padre Pio Shrine to thank him for interceding and bringing Catie into our family.  I had two kids in the car and really only stopped because I was driving by.  I did not enter a building.  I simply pulled up to this statue, said thank you and touched the stigmata in his statue hand. 

Before my car even got back to the main road, I was sobbing.  Suddenly, the state of my soul was apparent and I had an immense need for confession NOW.  As I continued the drive to see family I was crying an ugly, purgative cry.  Fortunately, I know a few priests and I was blessed to find a confessor and attend adoration...while my family visited with the kids.  Confession is the big opportunity for reset, as my confessor encouraged. 

So now, I am struggling through this.  My greatest hope and prayer is to love my kids with a positive, affirming kind of love.  It has been a good week...but PMS is looming (side note, I am free of the little blue pill (yay!) and working with a NaPro MD on a more natural PMS treatment) I put this out there because I need to.  Accountability?  Prayers?  Yes.  The reality of my parenting is not as beautiful as a blog always seems to indicate.  And so I pray.

Padre Pio, please help!  Help me and all the mothers who struggle to be patient and kind in the midst of stress.  Help us to find the grace necessary to walk away.  Help us to build up our children and not tear them down. 

One of my favorite prayers and the one I am praying for this intention.

The Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen