on lost joy

(Started writing on Thursday)

I am sitting in the quiet of the house.  Having just loaded Rosie on the bus and not yet awakened my two little crazies.  A theme has been circling my brain recently...a theme that comes up repeatedly in my life.  Joy.  Even trying to title this blog leads me to reflect on joy?  What is it?  Why did I have it once?  Where did it go?  How can I find it again? 

As I sat down to type, I decided upon a quick google search for quotes and stumbled upon many from CS Lewis.  A man who has clearly thought significantly more about this topic that I have.   In his book, Surprised by Joy, he writes:
"it is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which is a technical term and must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that, and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasure in the world. But then Joy is never in our power and pleasure often it."

Thank goodness for philosophers to make more sense of these things.  Joy is something I feel I once had and have since lost.  Being named Elisabeth I have always loved the image of the Visitation.  Within Elizabeth's womb, the infant, "leapt for joy."  Two years ago I had the opportunity to attend a conference and be prayed over by Neal Lozano.  He is an incredible man.  In his blessing over me, he brought forth that image and prayed for joy over me.  

(Returning to this writing on Saturday)

So, the elusive joy.  When I became a mother there was definitely a honeymoon period where I was so filled with joy.  I remember being tired...but I don't remember anger until my newborn became a toddler.  She was very VERY loud. I recal posting on an online forum about her manipulating behaviors.  Another mother challenged me that perhaps I was perceiving her as more advanced than she was.

With the transition to toddlerhood, came the loss of control.  With the loss of control, I began to experience the loss of joy. 

In my 6 years as a parent, there have been profound moments of gratitude...but limited moments of joy.  I could go back to giving birth vs adopting (where there were no happy hormones flooding my body)...but ultimately, I think if all my babies were from my womb, I would still struggle with anger & pine for joy.

It has been awhile since I spoke with Dr D.  As I mentioned the cost of two private schools has taken control of those funds in our budget.  One of the themes I was most interested in was the idea to "make your house a cloister".  The image of a cloister is one of peace, order, joy.  Perhaps the peace & order are impossible with children?  But I am for sure trying.  

Nesting is helping us declutter and bring peace to areas of our home that have been in chaos.  The energy to keep things clean is not present...but it is a prayer.  So...the home, is a big source of stress...but then, the kids.  

I so long to find joy in my children. I long to see them as God sees them.  I long to live in peace with them.  I long for them to have a mama that is filled with joy.  This...is where I pray for my miracle.   Parenting is suffering.  Parenting is laying down your wants, your life, for your children.  So...this elusive joy is only going to come from learning to suffer well.  

I am not quite sure how to do that...but every single day I have another opportunity to try.  I am a mama that is going to stay put.  And keep trying.  And...if joy is not meant for me in this life, I am so grateful it is available in heaven.

Quick Take Friday: back to school edition

1. On Tuesday we officially start year 2 of not-homeschooling. I have so many mixed feelings.  This is the blog where I attempt to work my way through those feelings.

2. As I think about things like sending my first born back into the world...and possibly via a big, scary school bus...all my confidences about school are replaced with thoughts about all the worst case scenarios that could happen to my precious 6 year old.  You simply can not protect them from everything.  That is scary.  That requires trust...and prayer.  

3. Today marks one month to go till D-day.  With an almost newborn, a 2 year old and a 3 year old - I am grateful that formal school will give our family a routine that I don't feel I could provide in this busy season of our life.  I do feel peace with our decision.  That decision, however, comes with a great cost. If the expense worth the routine?

4. Rosie is entering full day 5 day kindergarten at our parish school.  Augie is starting 3 year old two day half day pre-k at another church school.  Normally I would not send my 3 year old to school....but, in this case, I believe it will benefit us all in responding to his special needs.  Two private schools equates to adding a car payment to our monthly expenses.  Extra expenses...such as therapy and miscellaneous spending are not in the budget any longer.  I know the pastor uses the mantra you have to sacrifice to send your kids to Catholic school.  Catholic school....

5. Perhaps we are doing it from peer pressure.  The very large majority of our friends send their kids to the parish school.  Perhaps because if not homeschooling, it is the only other option for my husband.  Until recently I was not against public school.  But then....you realize....just how worldly even public elementary schools can become.  And recently, public school fell off my list of possibilities.  And so our options...teach or pay.

6. There are no homeschool co ops that exists within my parish community.  I am sure co ops exist...just none that I am aware of yet.  If I was surrounded by homeschooling families and a network of mentors, that would surely make a difference.  As it is, I am a public schooled mom married to my catholic schooled husband. No experience, no mentors, no homeschooling peer pressure...it is easier to take the path most traveled (here), in the midst of this stressful season.  I have a plethora of moms to help me navigate the parish school.

7. Year by year.  This year, this is the right decision for our family.  Rosie could not be MORE excited and as I snuggled Augie tonight...I started to reflect on what school would mean for him.  Being the middle child/second born...he takes a good amount of grief (not all undeserved ;-).  I had the thought "will I cry when I drop him off?"  A new challenge to my heart.  I am excited for the world before them...it is thrilling to watch the wide open eyes of my children.  Year by year, i will try my best to choose & provide what i feel is best for them.

First day pictures coming soon. 

Linking up with Jen: http://www.conversiondiary.com/2013/08/7-quick-takes-friday-vol-229.html

a dirty little secret about adoption

As I opened this page to start to write...a thought dawned on me.  I have a book (sitting 2' above my head in my new office book shelves) that I need to read.  I just pulled it off the shelf.

Recently a fellow foster adoptive mom blogged about the importance of touch to our children.  She gushed over the fact that she relished sharing hugs and contact with her kids through the day.  Her three oldest are biological, her two youngest are adopted from foster care.  

I have been struggling with being maternal.  It comes naturally with Rosie (my bio).  It is significantly more challenging with Augie & Catie.  Augie seeks out hugs and love and is very touch oriented...so he does actually get plenty of affection.  Catie is the opposite.  

In the bible study I mentioned recently, my resolution for the week was to comfort my children when they fall or get hurt.  I had to force myself to pick up and embrace Catie yesterday after she tripped.  

Many adoptive families have only grown through adoption...so perhaps they don't experience this to the same extent as myself, for example, with bio & adopted kiddos.  While my love does not differ, and while I would truly do anything for any of them...my maternal affections need some help.  

I have shared before that I feel deeply that these differences come from the lack of bonding through birth and being deprived of the ability to nurse them.  I did not have the physical maternal experience with bonding hormones for Augie & Catie.  This is where "love is a choice" comes into the repertoire.  I recognize this is something I need to change.  Sometimes we have to force change along by doing things that are not natural or comfortable.  

I am not sure if the above book has information to this affect.  I am hopeful that I will be able to report back with more insight on the topic after I have processed it (and hopefully lived it) further.  

on anger

"It is better not to allow anger, however just and reasonable, to enter at all, than to admit it in ever so slight a degree; once admitted, it will not be easily expelled, for, though at first but a small plant, it will immediately grown into a large tree."  St Augustine

And rooting out a large tree ain't an easy job!

I am working through a bible study by Jeff & Emily Cavins called "Walking Toward Eternity."  Each week is a scripture study on a problem topic.  We have covered "Engaging Your Appetites", "Engaging Your Shame", "Engaging Your Envy", and this is my week, "Engaging Your Anger."

The above quote....providentially from my one of my son's patron saints, reminds me of the beginning of my journey to healing.  I was called scrupulous, encouraged that I was a good mother and made to feel that I was exaggerating the issue.  "Anger is not a bad thing" I was told.

Anger is "an emotion which is not in itself wrong, but which, when it is not controlled by reason or hardens into resentment and hate, becomes one of the seven capital sins.  Christ taught that anger is an offence against the fifth commandment."  Catechism Glossary

I am so grateful that I have entered into this journey of trying to root out the anger I had let grow in my heart.  "Once admitted, it will not be easily expelled."  Boy is that the truth!  It has been 18 months since I started on this journey (starting with a Padre Pio incident) and about 9 months of intense working on chopping down the tree.  Anger still rears it's ugly head more frequently than I care to admit.


This week I came down hard on Catie.  Walking down the hall shortly afterwards, Padre Pio, in a prayer card, was staring back at me from the floor.  I know it was either God or Padre Pio who placed himself in my direct path.

That look of..."ELISABETH" was all I needed.  Confession is on my agenda for this weekend.

Did I mention to you that our baby is due on his feast day?  I think he has adopted me as his spiritual child.  All I ever did was pray a novena.  :-)  Padre Pio is a warrior saint for sinners.  I am humbled and grateful for his attention to my soul.

So tonight I pray though Day 2 of my 4 day anger study that will conclude with Lectio Divina.  Lord, open my heart to receive your words.  

"God knew you needed a Catie"

Oh therapy, how I love thee.

Well...this is not entirely true, but how I need thee....at least right now.  Perspective is everything.

Parenting children with special needs is tough work.  Take the responsibilities of your average child, and multiply that by three, at least.  Triple the doctors visits and add to that specialists, surgeries, therapies, tests, and more tests.

Before he turned three Augie had been under anesthesia three times.  Twice for MRIs and once for plastic surgery related to an accident.  Catie, now two and a half, just had her third surgery.  All three directly related to maternal drug use.

We practically know every OT, ST and PT in town.  And are well on our way to understanding the multiple levels of services from early intervention to the inner workings of the intermediate unit.

Would this be my life if I had birthed a child with special needs?  Absolutely.  But this is the life I choose....or rather, the life that choose me.  When Augie was placed with us there were no special needs identified.  We knew he was at risk of mental health issues (aren't we all?).  Since his placement we have been on a wild goose hunt to figure out exactly what is going on in his little mind & body.  Two steps forward, one step back.  He recently re-qualified for services through our IU.  Now we have to figure out whether to enroll him in preschool at age 3 to get him the services he needs.

Catie...we knew.  I feel in love and all the discussion about what we were open to accepting went out the window for love of her.

In discussion with Dr D I confessed I struggled with compassion...before even having children.  His immediate response was "God must have known you needed a Catie."

The paperwork, the appointments, the surgeries, the CONSTANT flow of therapists in and out of my house...it is a lot.  It is tough.  And then there are my children.  The comprehension issues, the speech issues, the attention issues, the behavior issues, the eating issues...they all bring out my crazy.

But then.  Then, there are my children.  The ones whom I so rarely get to step back and see with perspective.  These beautiful little souls that God sent into my life for very distinct purposes.  If they were not bringing out my crazy, my crazy would not be in the process of being healed.  It takes everything inside of me and step back to see them as God sees them.  I fail in doing this every single day.  And yet, God trusts me.  God believes in me.  He sent these poor, needy, struggling, abused little people to a mama who would love them until she had nothing left of herself.  I confessed to a friend that I am not myself during the stressful times.  I am not the person I thought I was.  I am certainly not the mom I thought I would be.  And every day I pick up my broken self and carry on, giving them everything I have within me.  Making the calls, the appointments, scheduling the therapists, the surgeries.  Trying to understand their special needs.  Trying to overcome my inadequacies and frustrations.

And this is the life God choose for me.  Because He knew I needed this.  I needed them.  Heaven ain't for those who just believe.  This is my Mother Theresa journey.  This is my Calcutta.   And I cling to the hope that saints are just the sinners that fall down and get back up.

Play at Home Mom

When Rosie was a baby we did Gymboree & gymnastics among other fun activities.  As Dr D (my therapist) shared, he told his first born she was spoiled rotten.  Since doing similar activities for Augie or Catie would involve someone needing to be at a sitter, it is not possible for me to do the same types of activities.

I thought I would share a couple of our favorite YouTube activities.

A year or two ago I saw a program about the Radio Exercises done in Japan.  I think these are so cool!  Starting in the late 20s, the government introduced these daily exercises as a way to keep soldiers in good health.  It has been a national movement for almost 100 years and can still be found as community exercise in various parts of the country.

It is 6 minutes of great exercise and fun to do with kids.

Next, we just discovered this one this morning and it is now on our favorite list.

Were Going on a Bear Hunt.

We learned Animal Action in baby gymnastics.  Fun to do with the kids...but only if you play along.

Last, my favorite gymboree-leanred song was Tony Chestnut.  Great to do with babies.

I would love to know what your favorite songs, games or videos are to play with your toddlers or preschoolers so we can add more to our repertoire.  

Quick Takes Friday; learning from therapy

---1---

Since I have "gone there" {to bare-your-soul-blogging} it seems I can't go back.  Try as I may, I have been called to this transparency.  If the Lord can use this for his glory, then I am at His service.

---2---
I am settling into a routine of twice a month skype sessions with Dr. D.  Unfortunately my insurance is not providing coverage because he is considered out of network.  My next steps are to a) fight for coverage and/or b) see if he can come into network.  In the meantime and fortunately, Dr D has placed twice a month appointments as greater priority than payment in full.  A little thanks inserted here to my prayer buddy.

---3---I have been accused of scrupulosity.  I have been reminded by many that I am a good mother to my children.    While I know that I am a good mother...what kind of mother am I if I am not trying to overcome this anger that comes out in this form of a beast in front of my children?  I do not want to spew venom.  This is not why God has entrusted His children to my motherhood.  I am learning that instead of showing anger in response to the inevitable poor choices of my children, I need to learn to show sorrow.  This is one way we can meditate upon & invoke Mary.  Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us.  When our children write on the walls, pee on the carpet, tear up a book, push their siblings, help us to have a sorrowful heart, rather than an angry heart.

---4---
On Tuesday, when faced with a screaming toddler refusing to nap, I had a come to Jesus moment.  This scenario of screaming & refusing to nap is the greatest instance, with this particular child, that causes my anger to manifest.  Twice I repeated the following: walk into room, offer threat of spanking, leave room, return and deliver spanking.  Twice this did nothing but bring about more screaming (of course).  So I went into my room, put in my ear plugs, covered my head with a pillow (one of my usual attempts of coping with this scenario).  Then...I began to pray.  I prayed "Jesus, rock her to sleep.  Jesus rock her to sleep," And you know what???  He replied "That is why I have given her to you.  To be me.  To rock her to sleep."  Okay, hello Jesus.  Truth verified.  I begrudgingly went into her room, picked her out of her crib, returned to my room, put her in my bed, turned my back to her and laid down with her.  And she fell asleep.  Not an extreme act of charity on my part, but a step in retraining myself of be the mother I was created to be.

---5---
The generational curse.  I have a challenging relationship with my mother.  She had a challenging relationship with her mother.  As did my grandmother with her mother.  It is something that I have believed as an inevitable truth for myself.  I had feared having a daughter for this reason.  God sent me my first born, a daughter, for this reason.  To teach me that He is greater than a generational curse.  This was my latest God-given insight, one that has not been unwrapped yet.

---6---
"The mind assents before the heart surrenders."  DP Slattery

This is what is going on with me these days.  My mind is learning, being retrained and assenting to these truths I am learning.  My heart is still in need of surrender.  Conversion.  This is, in a certain sense, overcoming my Dark Night.  This is where I choose to parent as God intends.  To choose the high road, over the weak response.

---7---
I am happy to share my insights.  Please don't let these replace a step that you need (or feel called) to take in your own life.  God intends to meet each of us very personally and care for us where we are and call us forth individually.  As I said, I am humbled if God can use my writing to work on another mother's heart.    That said, I can not imagine benefiting from reading an account to the extent that I am benefiting from my personal  surrender in this form of therapy.

Pray for me.  I will pray for you.

overcoming anger {day 22} what supernanny taught me

Start with super duper overwhelmed stay at home mom - check
add three little kids - check
add tantrums - check
add poorly executed discipline - check
insert feeding issues, gagging, etc - check
insert stressed out dad - check
mom who is left feeling purposeless - check

I choose the episode because it fairly accurately mirrored our current life situation. 

Lessons that I learned from this episode:
1. Start with a schedule.  We have utilized this several times in the past.  It is time to give it a go again.  The schedule can help realize blocks of time that are otherwise wasted by running around being overwhelmed.  It can also be an important tool to keep the family running.  If your son misses his nap, so be it!  Don't turn into the "you-must-take-a-nap-nazi" (guilty) and ruin the rest of the day for a nap that may never happen.

2. Poorly executed discipline does not count for discipline.  Consistency in following the steps properly is key.  I needed the review.
step 1 - at child's eye level give a warning in a firm voice
step 2 - take the child to the naughty spot and explain (to their face) why you are putting them there
step 3 - walk away - 1 min of time out per year
step 4 - return and explain (to their face) why they were in time out
step 5 - child apologizes, hugs and kisses

3. Feeding issues has become a big deal for us lately.  I needed to watch Jo's technique in this clip.  We actually got Augie to swallow a large mouth full of pocketed food tonight...a near impossible accomplishment.  Eat or time out.  Poor parenting at the dinner table can lead to impossibly picky eaters. We need to nip this one in the bud!

4. Dad time.  I loved the "brother's box" idea in this episode.  When dad comes home, he sits down with the kids and they choose an activity from the box.  It gives everyone much needed together time (or for mom's part, separation time).  I think we are definitely going to have to do this.  We, the women, tend to be the creative thinkers.  It is helpful to have a routine that involves dad playing with the kids. 

5.  Mom without purpose.  No matter how many inspiring quotes I read...
A mother is the most important person on earth. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any Cathedral -- a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby's body. -- Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty
...I still feel drained, under appreciated and without significant purpose. 

I am still connected to somethings I feel very passionate about.  Mainly, right now, my work as a Fertility Care Practitioner and NFP promoter.  I am grateful for a husband who is supportive in this endeavor.  My appointments and the work I do in the Diocese recharge my passions.  I am so grateful for this. 

The second take on this is mom without "me" time.  Exercise.  It is coming, I promise.  I may not actually blog about this until day 31, but exercise is wonderful me time (that I need to take significantly more than I do). 

Supernanny has been on my heart and in the back of my mind for years.  So thanks blog world for being my road back home. 

overcoming anger {day 20} lower your expectations

I have been convicted before.  So often the root problem in parenting is not the behavior of the children, it is the expectation of the parents.

I remember when Rosie was two.  We were having sleep issues.  I happened to be attending a conference where Dr Popcak was speaking.  I don't recall how I ended up in a mini-session with him...therapists must be good at that....but he ended up challenging my expectations.  He encouraged me to think beyond the surface to understand her behaviors. Those 3 minutes were so important.

Suddenly that huge issue was not so huge.  When I understood the behavior was related to an insecurity and I could help her through the insecurity, the behavior began to change.

In the last year I have been telling many I am "surviving" parenthood.  Once upon a time I read parenting books.  With three little ones, I just do.  I just "survive."  When I started this series this idea of expectations came to mind.  In confession, the priest challenged me again about my expectations.

Much of my parenting anger could potentially be resolved by expecting, anticipating or understanding "bad" behavior of my 1 and 2 year olds.

How to go about this is the challenge.

I just downloaded the app for Ave Maria radio and will try to start podcasting.  Dr Popcak and his wife start at 12pm EST.  Dr Ray Guarendi and Colleen Mast discuss parenting topics at 1pm EST.  I am hoping to try to catch a couple of these a week...or even one a week as a personal parenting challenge.

I am praying to find the right resource to connect with.  The right book?  The right author?  The right podcast?  The right anything.

Dave Ramsey has helped my husband and I tremendously in our financial life.  Hopefully someone will click with us as parents.

the isolation of motherhood

I am a baby mama.  That was the label given to me recently after I poured out my heart to a beautiful group of mothers.  God willing I will meet with some of these women on a regular basis and god willing it will not be all about me.  They empathized with my position, reminiscing about just how difficult it is to parent little people.  They of course kept things real by telling me "little kids = little problems, big kids = big problems".  Ultimately, just sharing was hugely helpful.

I joined this group after reading half way through Suburban CEO an old website from my favorite blogger.  It is far time I return to the site and continue reading.

The idea of feeling fulfilled by motherhood is so so far away from me right now.  I read other mom blogs and the beautiful crafts, the beautiful pictures...the beautiful life of motherhood - just seem so far off.  Treading water and trying not to drown more adequately describes life. 

I could make a list of all the crazy things that my kids do for empathy or humor.  With Rosie approaching the age of five I am seeing the impact of every little thing I do upon her formation.  Let's just say that when I sin, that sin is multiplied.

Most days are rough.  Today was especially rough.  At the end of the day I called my husband at work and cried.  Then I hugged my daughter and asked if I am a good mom.  Not the answer I wanted.  :-/

I know in my heart there is good in my motherhood.  I have been called to the vocation of marriage and the desire for children was imprinted on my being.  I prayed and begged God for motherhood for 5 years before I was so blessed with the gift.  Now that gift sits on my chest like a massive weight, taking every ounce of my being.  I am being poured out and emptied beyond where I ever thought possible.

If it was just me an my motherhood, I would not survive.  I am fighting with everything inside of me.  Fighting to stay connected.  Fighting to stay accountable.  Fighting to let the good of my motherhood declare victory over the bad.  And most importantly, surrendering to God.

Blood of Christ, inebriate me

So, as I am sitting on the back deck this morning, with my kids playing, reading my Anima Christi prayer book, the neighbor comes over.  He informs me that yesterday he found my two year old outside, in his yard, where he was about to back his truck.  The neighbor sent him back inside.  IF, this was an isolated incident, okay.  Unfortunately, I can add this to the list of a couple terrifying, his-guardian-angel-saved-him incidents. 

I have caught Augie trying to escape into the back yard a couple of times.  I thought I caught him every time.  Aparantly not.  And, up goes security...again.  Husband will be brining home locks to add to the top of the door.  The last incident resulted in the purchase of an additional baby gate (to block access to the garage door) and door knob protectors, which he has since mastered.  We are anxiously awaiting our adoption tax credit to purchase a much needed fence for our back yard.  Whether it is because he is mentally challenged in some way (yet unknown), or because he is a boy, or because he is two...he needs a greater degree of security and protection than Rosie ever did.

How many times must I say "do not leave this house without asking mommy?"  And, clearly, he still does not get it.  And so this saga continues...I can do nothing without Christ.

Blood of Christ, inebriate me

This line of the Anima Christi has always stood out to me.  "Inebriate me?"  Obviously, we have a very base understanding of inebriation.  "The kind of drunkenness we understand in our ordinary use of the word is a debasement or what true inebriation should be, that of what the poets and mystics have written when they said they were drunk with the love of Christ, inebriated with God."

Alcohol may lift & excite the senses, but ultimately, it is a depressent.  The stimulating effects wear off.  "Inebriation of the spirit is different....we should be enlivened, lifted up above our ordinary functioning, abilities and even potential, by the precious blood of Christ... In the true inebriation of the spirit, the antithesis of all that is preverse or evil or self-indulgent, there is a strength beyond what we could ever have ourself but which never lapses into languour." 

How could I ever survive motherhood without Christ?  This month I am discovering that the very beginning of a woman's cyce has potential for destruction and should not be written off since it can not technically be classified as "PMS."  Yes, I will be talking with my NaPro MD about this.  The control of my temper, control of my emotions are (right now) the little sacrifices I am being asked (by Christ) to make.  "In all the hidden, humdrum martyrdoms that are a part of real Christian daily living, one must be inebriated to agree to them....we die to our own preferences, we die to our tart response..we die to the caustic reply that pride proposes...one goes singing into all these inivtations to the little deaths of every day only when one is inebriated with the blood of Christ." 

"When what is asked for us in daily life seems...too much, too much to give, too much patience to sustain, too much meekness to achive, it remains wholly possible to turn to Christ, who shed all his precious blood that we might be inebriated by it's effects, to achieve ends far beyond our own unaided powers.  The more some things seem 'too much', the more inebriation we need.  And so the more we must turn to the precious blood of Christ streaming out through all his sacraments, given to us every morning in Holy Communion, cleansing us in every sacramental absolution...Why leave untapped the resources we have to be spritually inebriated?"  

Hello conviction.  Lord, let me not leave these resources untapped.

from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.

Body of Christ, save me

Body of Christ, save me

"A tired body counsels the mind: 'Stop working now.  Let us rest together.' And we know what happens when the mind refuses to follow the direction of the body.  A very fatigued body can lie awake all night long because the mind says, 'No, I will keep on thinking', when the body has said, 'It's time to stop now and for us to go to sleep together.'  Body and soul cannot sleep apart...
...Christ is the perfect whole person, body and soul working in perfect coordination. Just as it is his animating principle alone that will sanctify ours, so it is to his body that we must turn when we are torn by temptation, racked by passion, week in langour, dispirited with fatigue, when our bodily desires get out of hand....Ought this not be a favorite prayer in time of temptation...'Body of Christ, save me!"
from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Today is Peak+10.  For non charters out there, that means PMS big time.  It has been a bit rocky.  Yesterday was a ridiculously challenging day.  The little two were HORRIBLE.  Thanks be to God we were home and even more so, that my husband was home with me.  Catie and Augie were in a battle of the screaming, nothing could squelch them.  I am not talking about a fun, playful type of screaming.  More of a blood curdling, I am about to die type of screaming.  Nothing we could do was resolving this screaming (they were feeding off each other).  It lasted nearly an hour. 

Bedtime lasted two hours beyond normal and that was after the end of the screaming.  My husband's one comment was to be careful what we are shouting as our windows are open and we have neighbors that live close.  Evidently I said something to Augie about needing a spanking.  No one was spanked.  That was a miracle.

When our anger is raging, we must cry out "Body of Christ, save me!"

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.

reflections on Anima Christi

Thank you for the beautiful and heartfelt reflections following my last post.  It can be challenging to be  publicly honest...especially in the world of foster/adoptive parenting.  I felt the risk was worth it and your responses affirm that for me.

I was gifted with this lovely little reflection book to process the beautiful prayer that I mentioned, The Anima Christi.

I am going to try to share some of these beautiful reflections for my benefit, and possibly yours.

Anima Christi, Sanctifica MeSoul of Christ, sanctify me

"Our weakened and damaged soul, yet so beautiful and glorious and full of potential for eternal perfection, must find the strength to actuate its potential, not in itself, but in Christ....Perfect human fulfillment is to allow one's self to be completely taken over by Christ...The more Chrirstlike we are, the more animated we are...We are progressively "dead" insofar as we do not live in Christ."

Last year there was a "children's" book relased.  It's crude title related to an attitude that parents may regress to while dealing with a tough bedtime.  It trended on facebook.  The title stuck in my head and unfortunately now enters my mind on occasion.  I wish that I could erase those words from my mind. 

Without Christ we are dead.  We need to seek to be "taken over by Christ." 

"When we pray 'Anima Christi, sanctifica me' we are indeed making a bold and dangerous prayer, a tremendously exacting prayer.  We are saying we want to be emptied out, to experience our own kenosis as Christ experienced his, totally given, totally spent.  'Soul of Christ, sanctify me.'  It will not be painless.  No passion ever was."from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.

steeped in motherhood

When I had my daughter after 5 years of infertility, motherhood was sheer bliss.  It was incredible!  I was sleep deprived and it was challenging - but I WAS A MOM!  I had given birth to a precious teeny little angel.  I was the source of comfort, nutrition...love.  I carried her in a sling.  I used beautiful new cloth diapers.  I nursed on demand.  I co-slept.  Attachment parenting to the fullest! 

And then my beautiful, teeny angel became a toddler. 

She was very loud.  She did not love to sleep.  She pulled out all the toilet paper, spilled out all the dog food and wrote all over herself...daily.  At one point she even added a LARGE family portrait to her bedroom wall in marker.  One of her many graffiti art projects.  All the while, she was so precious and, though challenging, we wanted to add to our family more than ever.

 After secondary infertility, we were so blessed to become parents again through foster care. 

Augie came in with a bang.  He was sick.  He took out our whole family for the first month.  As a foster mom the bonding came slowly.  We were not permitted to co-sleep.  Slowly, those not so new cloth diapers were more of an inconvenience when dropping him off for family visits.  My hands were full.  I was content and for the first time ever in my married life, I was not actively seeking to conceive. 

After another year, I had another toddler on my hands.  This one particularly loved to eat dirt.  Also coal, stink bugs and dog food. 

And slowly my desire for motherhood again grew stronger.  I refused to get a family picture because it seemed a spot in our family was missing.  Rosie was praying for a sister.  My heart was open to another child.  And with that, Catie arrived.

Catie can scream like nobody's business.  Same as before, no co sleeping.  By now cloth diapers are lucky to be used as rags once in awhile.  Graffiti is a regular part of our home decor.  And sadly, cry it out is often all we can manage.  By bedtime, i am done. 

With her recent adoption, following Augie's 2011 adoption, my hands and my heart are overflowing.  Six years ago, I would not believe this could possibly be my future.  I am so blessed.  It is helpful for me to take a minute, sit back and see this.

"I know that God won't give me more than I can handle"

And God trusts me quite a bit.  Rosie is 4, Augie is 2, Catie is 1.  All that suffice to say the glow of new motherhood has worn off and I am now fully steeped in motherhood. 

When Augie reached that lovely age of toddler, I felt the strong need to address my PMS.  I added an anti-anxiety med and for awhile that seemed to take the edge off my mood swings.  Well, meds like that add a host of other troubles.  For example, NEVER try to just stop taking them.

After time, that little blue pill wasn't helping.   It was increasingly difficult to respond calmly to a stressful child situation.  One of my New Year's resolutions was to stop spanking.  I am against spanking for so many reasons.  IF (and I don't believe there is) a legitimately good reason for spanking, I was not using those reasons.  I was spanking because I was angry.

Recently I stopped by the Padre Pio Shrine to thank him for interceding and bringing Catie into our family.  I had two kids in the car and really only stopped because I was driving by.  I did not enter a building.  I simply pulled up to this statue, said thank you and touched the stigmata in his statue hand. 

Before my car even got back to the main road, I was sobbing.  Suddenly, the state of my soul was apparent and I had an immense need for confession NOW.  As I continued the drive to see family I was crying an ugly, purgative cry.  Fortunately, I know a few priests and I was blessed to find a confessor and attend adoration...while my family visited with the kids.  Confession is the big opportunity for reset, as my confessor encouraged. 

So now, I am struggling through this.  My greatest hope and prayer is to love my kids with a positive, affirming kind of love.  It has been a good week...but PMS is looming (side note, I am free of the little blue pill (yay!) and working with a NaPro MD on a more natural PMS treatment) I put this out there because I need to.  Accountability?  Prayers?  Yes.  The reality of my parenting is not as beautiful as a blog always seems to indicate.  And so I pray.

Padre Pio, please help!  Help me and all the mothers who struggle to be patient and kind in the midst of stress.  Help us to find the grace necessary to walk away.  Help us to build up our children and not tear them down. 

One of my favorite prayers and the one I am praying for this intention.

The Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen

To the Mother of Only One Child

This article by Simcha Fisher is spreading across facebook like wildfire.  It is very clear women relate so well. 

There are so many ways you can go with reflections on this.  The world of infertility, secondary infertility, why some women feel they can't handle more than one child.  I will just file it under "reasons to consider becoming a foster parent."

The other morning my husband and I sat at the table and enjoyed coffee while we watched our children playing together in the kitchen.  Siblings are a tremendous gift.  Without foster care, our daughter would still be an only child.  Now she has a little brother (aka her groom and her prince) and a little sister (aka the other princess or her little baby). 

Being a mom is hard.  In so many ways, being a mom to one is harder. 

Schooling & Perspective

Perspective.

I remember when Rosie was two, I started feeling the internal pressure for pre-school.  We have so much pressure to school.  Shortly after that, I started getting the questions.  "Is 'Rosie' starting school in the fall?"  (as she was about to turn 3).  Since that time the pressure to school has not just been internal.  In books I had begun to read, it seemed there was more information about dangers of schooling too early.

This past school year Rosie was JUST eligible for our parish pre-school.  In discerning what to do, specifically if we wanted her to be oldest in the class or youngest, a very wise teacher friend said "always give your child the gift of time."  She also asked "would you rather your daughter be driving her friends around or riding in the back of their car?"  That was an easy answer.  In quick interview with others, it seemed that being older in the class was usually preferred/easier. 

Perspective.

Before, I was dealing with pressure to school.  Now, perspective allows me to see that giving her an extra year allows us to have her in our home an extra year.  Rather than rushing our 17 year old off to college, we will have almost a full year with our 18 year old.  I am obviously not parenting a teenager right now.  But, reason tells me in parenthood, every moment counts.

This year we have been working on "handwriting without tears".  It has been a very loose pre-school program, but we so enjoy our time together.  That said, I am still struggling heavily with the idea of being solely responsible for her education.  Mainly related to the responsibility of having all children in my charge at all times...this in itself is a big lifestyle change, it is not so easy just to run to the store.  Also, teaching requires quite a bit of patience...and so far we are only sitting down for an hour a couple of times a week.  For Christmas, I received another wishlist book, Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons.   I am looking forward to starting that this year. 

I am not sure yet if we will enroll in pre school in the fall or continue to school at home.  We love the precious moments with our beautiful children.  We love teaching our values and faith, seeing our two year old sing Alleluia or bow his head to pray and say Amen.   We love seeing Rosie grow into a God-loving little girl.  Those moments of witnessing the fruits of our parenting are priceless. 

For 2012, "God, please continue to shower me with BUCKETS of grace necessary to be a good mom.  A loving mom.  An encouraging mom.  A mom who teaches by her actions.  Help ME be a better ME.  For this I pray. Amen."

unrecognizable reflection

Have you ever been shocked by your reflection?

I was shocked on Sunday.  That happened as my family was walking into Mass on Sunday morning and saw our reflection in the glass doors.

It is one thing to be mama to this family....to be inside and living the everyday.  It was completely shocking to see what everyone else sees when they look at us.  Family of five with back to back babies.

I relived this experience on Tuesday when I took my daughter to ballet class.  I had taken her twice previously, leaving the babies at home.  Tuesday, I brought the babies.  As I walked in, I can't even begin to tell you the looks I received.  It actually makes me laugh.  I can't even describe the feeling of being infertile and looking uberfertile. I caved and explained to the two women that Augie was flirting with that I was a foster mom.  I am not quite sure why I felt the need to offer a disclaimer, but I did.

I remember having Augie as a baby and the feeling of being satisfied with our family size.  My hands were full.  My hands are full again.  Five years ago I had no idea if we would be blessed with the gift of parenthood.  Today, we are blessed!

I have been busy on the name hunt and finally dragged hubby into the search.  As of tonight I have my top pick.  Hopefully we can confirm within the next week or two.  :)  If all goes well with the TPR, I hope to announce sometime next month.

Miss Mischief

So seriously...I could have never thought up this child in my wildest dreams...she challenges me in so many ways! This is round 2. Round 1 happened last Sunday. It took me three days to attempt to work the dry erase marker out of her carpet. We got it off the walls, her body, mostly off her clothes...it came off the wood floor the easiest. My show of parenting following that incident was not pretty. I am not grace under fire. Following the..."execution"...my husband wanted to have a discussion with me. It was that bad.

Round 2. Prepared better. THANK GOODNESS Paul and I had an "airing out our grievances" session earlier in the day. That allowed me to be in the right frame of mind to open the door and find this after such a wonderfully quiet "nap time." Also, thank goodness I had just returned from the store with more Magic Erasers. But long story short, parenting under fire is not my gift.

Child #1 - this photo just about sums her up. Oh, and she can be VERY loud.

Child #2 - thank GOD he sent us her opposite! SO much more laid back!

After H's birth, I remember immediately wanting to start gestating the next one. But God spaces kids for a reason. I still want a "big" family -which, for me, is now defined at 4 kids. I know that there is probably a very good explanation why God sent us H. I think of her as my wake up call to the thousand romantic notions I had about parenting.

On this Night

On this night, three years ago, I was preparing to meet the little person who ended the most difficult four years of my life.

Hundreds of prayers, millions of tears, pain and recovery from 3 surgeries, endless vials of blood...given up for her. I was in hopelessness, on the verge of despair. We had given up trying. And then, she came. Sacrificial love. Answered prayers.

I remember, after finding out we were pregnant, telling a priest who had prayed for us year after year. We found out as he was ending yet another novena on our behalf. He was SO excited for us and told us that our pregnancy, an answer to HIS prayers, was a profound moment of restored faith for him. :'-) It was restored faith for us as well.

In thinking of all those I have "met" online recently or know in real life...still waiting to be blessed, all I can say is hang in there! The pain and suffering of infertility is like nothing else. Every month, to realize your body has failed, yet again. The feeling of prayers unanswered....questioning God, screaming at him.

I gave up believing I would be so blessed to conceive and carry a child in my womb.

On this night, we had just arrived at the birth center. We were excited, nervous, breathing. Anxious to discover our child. To meet, this person. The one whom my husband danced to the sound of her heartbeat, who made us cry to see her squirm onscreen or feel her under my heart. This person, who we longed for, begged for.

I was so nervous that we would have to have a c-section, years of infertility prepare you for the worst. But, my body and my baby followed protocol. Within a few hours of arriving at the birth center, already 4 cm dilated, I was feeling the pain entering into transition. Some how I stumbled to the bathtub and hung on to the bar for dear life. Some how, I stumbled back out of the bathtub. Somewhere around 2am I began to push. Push with strength that only comes at a moment like this. At 2:21am Hannah Rose exited my womb and landed in her papa's hands, and changed our lives forever.

After 4 hours, we brought her home. Heaven touches earth. We are so eternally grateful and always praising God for His amazing gift.





Happy Birthday Angel!!

the sweetest new sound

is his tired, teary "mama mama mama"

LOVE IT!!!