Satan works me hard with this one. He lets me know I am in this isolated place. An experience that no one ever speaks about. No one else has gone through this.
In my desire to be transparent and allow God to work through me, I will speak truth. I know that I am not alone.
Having given birth and nursed two children and then experienced the miracle of adoption twice, I can say, my bonds are very different. Past conversations with a Catholic therapist echo in my head. Birth is natural. Adoption is supernatural. A higher calling even. And this is where it stretches me the most. Catie, aka #3 started her life under duress. She did not have the gift of being held, snuggled and loved from the start. She lived in the NICU, alone, for her first four months. Her next three months were constant transition, until she ended up in our arms. Even then, it wasn't wonderful holding her, as she would scream and struggle to overcome all that came with being born addicted.
We did not have a fairy tale start. But God put these sparkling blue eyes on this little girl to speak straight to my heart. And I fell in love.
A different kind of love. A unique kind of love. A love in the truest sense, as it calls me to sacrifice and to put her interests before my own...every.single.day. Do I do it well? No. God uses her to stretch me in ways that I never knew possible.
Three years after Catie, God saw fit to bless my womb with Joy. She is now 2.5 and she is bonded. Like superglue. And it calls me to constantly look at the great divide between the bonds I have with these two children. One that I respond to with gushy love. The other that I respond to with daily sacrifice. The small moments of sacrifice, like drawing her onto my lap for a book, like starting our day with a hug - things that come naturally with the others are chances to grow in holiness with her.
When I am tuned in, I am reminded that this divide does not come from anything that I have done wrong. It is in large part due to her very rough beginning. I do not consider myself to be the most warm and nurturing of mothers, but God still saw fit to send this little girl to me, to nurture. And there by the grace go I.
Bonds are important. I fear this and when I fear this, I am prone to despair about her future. But, with the help of God, from the depths of my soul, I know that I love this girl like nothing else. And when I consider her on the love scale, all is equal. I would do anything for any one of my children. I would give my life in an instant for each of them. And, while, like a dutiful adoptive mother I can say I love them all equally, Dr Ray Gaurendi might argue that I actually love her the most. The one that makes me crazy. The one that is constantly challenging me, the one I come back to again and again. She's the one I love the most. "It is not momentary feelings, positive or negative, that are the defining core of love. It is commitment." And to this blue eyed beauty, no matter my feelings, I am committed. And I hope she understands this one day, despite my shortcomings and her struggles. I am forever grateful to be her mama.
