our open adoption

When my husband and I started attending adoption training, the idea of an open adoption was a stumbling block.  For him more than me.  It was difficult to imagine "another set of parents" out there.  Fortunately, we moved beyond that hurdle and still signed up.  This year we were awarded an honor by our state representative for our "work with birth families."

We became foster parents with the hope of adopting. When I met Leann* and Rex* they just wanted their son back. Augie was placed with us when he was two months old. Initially, during the drop off for supervised visits, we would exchange the specifics of infant care and nothing else. Eventually maybe I would share a story of something he did or a picture. Occasionally we would listen to them vent their frustrations. It was an awkward way to get to know them.

I was never rooting for them to fail. As things got worse for them, our case became stronger. It wasn't too long before the case passed to adoption. At the last possible second (before their rights were terminated by the court) they signed consents. We met with Leann to discuss what an open relationship would look like to us.  At that time Leann specifically asked that for Augie, we refer to her as Leann.  She did not want to be "Aunt Leann" or some other weird title.  She also recognized we are mom & dad, and gave us the respect of that title.

Since the adoption we have had three visits. The first, with Leann, Augie and me. The second, Leann and two of Augie's half siblings (the first time they were all together). And in December, my husband and I brought Augie to Chuck E Cheese to visit with Leann & Rex.

Each time I am amazed to see the resemblances. Each time Leann expresses her deep gratitude.

Why do we do it?

Well....we went through the adoption process we were open to the instruction.  We had never done this before.  When our social worker suggested visitation, I understood it as something that could be beneficial to Augie later in life.  Basically, it is helpful for them to know he is well taken care of and he will always have an accurate picture of who they are, so as not to imagine his life would have been so much better if he had never been adopted.

While thinking about and preparing for a visit, it is not something I am terribly excited about.  But, after the fact, I am always glad we did it.  Especially the visit with his siblings.  It felt so wonderful to coordinate a simple visit that happened to be the first time in their life they were ever together.  Augie's half bio sister gets so excited.  I am happy to do it for her.

This said, it is something that should be considered on a family by family visit.  At this time, and unless her situation drastically changes, we have no plans for visitation with Catie's bio mother/family.  We do communicate by letter once a year (only once so far).

I look at it as accepting a part of the culture of adoption.  It is also a part of my personality.  I helped organize my high school reunion.  I organized my family reunion.  I guess it seems natural for me to keep people connected.

I will continue to update on this topic through the years.  For now, Augie, age 3, who is chill with just about anyone, finds joy in any chance for a play date.

Birth Mother's Day

I had not heard of this until today.  Evidently, a group of birth mother's in Seattle begin remembering this day, the day before Mother's day, as Birth Mother's Day.

A friend on facebook shared the Everything to Me music video by Mark Shultz, a message of thanks to his birth mom.

I am bringing back one of my favorite birth mother videos - Can I Live by Nick Cannon


And of course, especially remembering in prayer those who still long for motherhood.

a closing visit

Feb 15, 2012.  Catie had her final visit this morning with her birth mom. 

Last year's closing visit happened on Feb 23 (for Augie...I am just amazed at how time lines collide).

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We got up this morning and I packed her bags, her food, a change of clothes...the usual.  I also included a letter to her birth parents.  I wanted to assure them of our love for Catie and update them on her developments.  I told them that we pray for them nightly.  At the close of the letter, I extended an invitation for further contact.  I stated that I would love to send them updates and maintain some form of contact through the years.

{backstory: they signed TPR back in September.  They walked out of CYS refusing to provide any photos of themselves and stating they did not want further contact.  A few weeks later mom "unsigned".  TPR happened in Court Jan 30th.  Dad's termination was voluntary, Mom's termination was involuntary.  Since unsigning mom has refused all opportunity for visits.  I was glad to hear she agreed to be a part of a closing visit.}

Catie's first foster mom had the opportunity to supervise the visit.  She also offered to bring her in to the visit for me.  She picked her up and it was a pretty quiet morning. Rosie was missing her daddy so we called to see if he could come home for an early lunch.

After lunch we went to Target.  I wanted to get a small gift for her mom.  I had a photo printed to 5x7, purchased a pretty frame and planned to give it to her and promise to keep it filled through the years. 

I made arrangements to have my kids at a sitter so I could pick up Catie from the visit and attempt to say thank you to mom.  This can be tricky in the foster world because they are not giving up their child willingly.

On my drive there I was planning what I would say, how the exchange might go.  I was 15 minutes from CYS and cars started to slow, then came to a dead halt.  Traffic on the bypass is never a good thing.  There is no way out.  I sent foster mom a text that I was stuck in traffic and may be late.  It turned out there was a bad accident and all traffic was being diverted off the highway.  I was so stuck, all I could do is clutch my rosary and start to pray.  I was praying for Catie's birthmom and another birth mom that is in my prayers right now.

Thirty minutes later, the texts started coming back "how much longer"; "can we meet outside" and then "they had to leave."  Birth mom was there with her teenage daughter, whom I have never met.  I missed the opportunity to say goodbye.

When I finally arrived they were long gone.  I dropped off the picture to my social worker to be mailed to birth mom.  I collected Catie, I went back to the sitters, picked up my kids and came home.

There was a reason I was not there.  Only God knows.  I am told it was a wonderful visit.  Birth mom read my letter and sobbed.  She clearly accepted the fact that she could not care for Catie and she was where she needed to be.  Hearing all this I breathed a sigh of relief.  She has come to terms with the adoption, praise God.  I am hopeful the rest of our FWW (four week wait to TPR) will be uneventful.

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Look for  my guest blog tomorrow on Foster2Forever.  I am honored to be invited to be a regular part of a guest column on her blog.

six months

Six months.  We have only officially had Catie in our care for six months.  Unofficially, we had long visits for two months prior to her placement.

When I say the words "six months" it seems like no time at all.  When I think about her role in our life, it seems as if she has always been a part of us. 

I wish I could share pictures.  She scrunches up her nose to smile at me now...every time she sees me.  EVERYthing is "mommieee".  My husband does not love this...but boy does Catie love him (even though she calls him "mommieee").  She is always complimented on her personality.  She can be such a charmer.  She can also scream louder and with more intensity than any child I have ever met.  She does this if I attempt to remove my cell phone from her hands.

She is still a bit behind in the development department.  The best way to say is she moves at her own pace.  She is by far my safest-on-the-stairs baby and the first one to have not fallen down them.  She is very cautious of new movements, but as soon as she figures something out...she's golden.  It was amusing at a baby play date seeing a 7 month old standing (almost walking!) while my 14 month old won't even put her feet on the ground.  We are making progress.  She will get there!

I made the last of my treks to the children's hospital on her behalf; while at the same time scheduling my first appointment at said hospital on Augie's behalf.  More on that later.  Never a dull moment here. 

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I was recently moved reading an adoption account from another blogger.  Part 3 gives me insight into Catie's early NICU days.  Reading her account made me sad that we were not yet a part of Catie's life to love on her so intensely.

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Bio mom called and wants to schedule a closing visit.  I am actually thrilled to hear this.  First, to know she recognizes and accepts the end.  Second, because it is possibly my first and only chance to talk to her, thank her, hug her...and get a picture of her.  I hope she does not bail.

12 days down, 18 days to go.  It is a bit challenging to plan for things such as baptisms, but I have set a date for the end of May.  Hopefully she will be finally and officially ours before then...and May will be the big party!

Our first visit

This morning we met with Augie's birth mom for our first post-termination visit (it has been 9 1/2 months since we saw her last). 

The morning started with me waking up at 9am, the same time as the start of our visit.  So, our morning started in a panic.  I called her and we rushed out the door. We got to the restaurant and no birth mom.  I called again, worried they were at a different location, thankfully she was in the parking lot.  Deep breath.  Stress relieving.

It was a good visit.  I had been coaching Augie of her name for a few days.  She lit up when she saw him and so did he.  They look so much alike.  He gave her a kiss, gave me a look for reassurance then gave her a hug.  I bought breakfast and if you read from our final visit it was a HUGE deal for birth mom when we bought her coffee in the past...free is not a part of her world.  We talked about the things Augie is doing, how her life is going and our adoption relationship.  She referred to Augie by the name we choose for him and said how she looked it up to pronounce it correctly.  She said it suited him and his birth father had accepted the change better than she thought he would.

We talked, we played and she got lots of kisses.

It is/was a bit nerve wrecking knowing in the past they had two requests;  1. We not cut his hair 2. We not change his name.  We did not honor either of those requests.  They have accepted these things and are still grateful for any relationship we allow.  She assured me we are his parents and she can just hope for contact and a relationship.  I assured her that I do not fear they will be a bad influence or go against us (in how we are raising him).

Overall, it was wonderful.  There is a definite pull in me to more openness.  I have to limit my enthusiasm.  I have to refrain from referring to her as "mama".  We refer to them by their first names, at their request. 

Augie has two half siblings by his birth mom.  They live with different adoptive parents and have never been photographed together.  My goal is to facilitate a summer visit for the kids to get together and continue a winter visit with mom and dad. 

I left the visit praising God.  While I would love to be a fly on the wall to hear her take on the visit, I need to trust what I know and what I see.  I see a mother who loves the son she gave birth to and I am grateful for her.

about a boy

Tomorrow is our first visit with Augie's birth mom since they said goodbye, back in February.  The excitement has been building and I was thrilled when my husband declared it was exciting.  I will be taking him by myself while DH watches the girls.  We are meeting at our favorite restaurant and I am crossing my fingers Augie will be well behaved.  I will update later...but for now, here the letter to the birth parents coming with us.  

It feels as if it has been forever.  We think of you daily.  I could write pages about Augie. 

Let me just tell you about this boy…he is the sweetest most challenging person I know.  He will go out of his way to give the sweetest kisses, and 5 minutes later be covered in ink, marker, diaper cream, etc.  We joke that he needs a water bottle attached to his hip to keep him hydrated.  When he is not happy at the dinner table he pushes (or throws) his  food and grunts.  He loves playing with Rosie and it is so much fun to watch them play games together.  And Airplanes…boy does he love airplanes.  We were on a walk recently when he saw an airplane.  He was just walking aimlessly with his arms out, making the sound, “flying” through his imagination.  Though he will not hear me call his name from 5 feet away, he manages to hear airplanes 5,000 feet away (selective hearing). 

He loves to sing itsy bitsy spider and twinkle twinkle little star.  He is starting to sing the alphabet song (just a bit) and become familiar with counting numbers. 

I have a theory that his head is magnetically drawn to the floor.  He still frequently has a bruisey forehead, but overall, he is wonderful. 

We are so excited for our visit and looking forward to creating more memories together in the future.  My hope is to get the kids together at some point for a visit together. 

We are just figuring out this whole adoption and open relationship thing, so bear with us…but we are grateful that you love him so much and we hope to foster your relationship with him as the years go by. 

With Love,Ua

Saving a Life?

"Foster a child, foster a future"
"Saving the world one child at a time"
"Foster Care Foster Hope"

These are a few of the slogans that I have heard in the process of trying to recruit foster parents.

Is it just me that thinks about myself all the time?  When we set out to foster, we did so with the "selfish" desire to grow our family.  We did not start out thinking about what impact we may have upon a child.

I am certain there does exist in this world those truly amazing people who would foster to make a difference in the life of a child.  God bless those generous souls.  I did not start out thinking about "them", I started out thinking about "me".

Now that I have met the most amazingly adorable little monkey I will soon officially call my son, I am starting to see the impact that foster care can have on "them".

I was told recently by Augie's early intervention coordinator about the significance of a loving home environment.  She pointed out his improvements as related to being in our care, rather then the home environment he may otherwise have been raised within.  She does not know the circumstances from which he was removed.  I do.  When I think about the crazy love bug I know as Augie and imagine his "other" life, I rejoice that he is here.  WE are so blessed to have him as a part of our family.

We were recently presented with a scenario that has me thinking about biological (kinship) family versus traditional (stranger) foster parents, like us.  There was a biological aunt in the process of trying to foster-adopt Augie, through the first several months of his placement with us.  It was a little nerve wrecking.  We were told, incorrectly, that she had completed everything in her state and was just waiting on clearance from our state & county to get him.  We later found out she never completed the process required of her.  Augie is very blessed to have bio-parents who adore him.  A kinship placement would give him the opportunity to be raised in his family culture and perhaps more opportunity to connect with his bio-parents.  It is not for me to judge, but I say with certainty, his life would have been so so different.  We certainly hope to maintain some connection with his bio-parents and allow a connection as far as we deem appropriate.  At some point, we face the inevitable discussions and hope that he will be secure in our love and rooted in our (his) values. 

The scenario I mentioned above has not yet unfolded.  There are two very different possible paths ahead.  Life "A" or Life "B".  The situation is out of our hands and we trust in God's wisdom.

For the first time I am starting to see my role of a foster parent differently.  My heart is growing in generosity.  It is not just me that I am doing this for anymore.  Don't get me wrong, the "me" is still a huge part of this...but when you start meeting kids - things change.  They matter more. 

I still don't think I will ever figure out how to respond to all the people that call us "hero" or say they could never ever be a foster parent.  From my vantage point now, I am unsure how I could ever go through a traditional adoption process.  When you walk in with the knowledge "the goal of foster care is reunification" it is as if your heart is prepped (just a bit).

So the slogans are usually for the purpose of recruiting.  I am not sure how well they work.  Word of mouth and witnessing others going through this process is what got us in the door.  Now that we are in...I think we will stay awhile.  :)


This post is part of Foster2Forever.com's May Blog Hop celebrating National Foster Care Month.

49 hours to go!

Pray us through!!  I am busy counting down the hours until the end of the 30 day appeal period following the April 11th confirmation of consent hearing (termination of parental rights).  I have been guessing and second guessing every communication with bio mom in the hopes that she will hold tight and continue to trust us with raising the son she birthed.  Please pray for her.  Please pray for Augie's dad. 

After that...I am hoping that everyone working for us will be working at the speed we want them to go!  It is difficult when dates and time frames are in busy people's hands.  We are ready to make this thing official!

Processing Yesterday and the End of Visits

Today was a beautiful day with Augie.  I could not stop loving on him.  It is almost as if the "loss" of his bio mom allows me to step into the role of his mom even more.  He does not know the loss.  He knows us.  We are home.  But I having been praying for her constantly, trying to imagine the excruciating pain of letting go of your child. 

Yesterday started with coffee.  Paul and I sat down with her and I later learned that the simple act of buying her coffee meant more than we will ever know.  In her world, where gifts are not given and free is everything, she mentioned that to the visit supervisor at least 6 times (as the supervisor later told me).  

Over coffee we discussed her.  We asked how she is doing and we listened.  She discussed the grief, what she imagines is the grief to come, how she will process, etc.  We asked about likes and dislikes; family history; family tree.  We tried to learn about her for Augie's sake.  We offered her a modified family profile so she can learn a little bit more about us (and so she can share it with bio dad).  We gave her a gift, a picture frame with a hand print, foot print and a few recent pictures.  She gave us a letter from bio dad and a gift for Augie.

During this time, Augie was next door at a visit with extended relatives.  We picked him up and captured a beautiful picture of bio mom with Augie.  We said good bye to return again a few hours later for her closing visit.

Paul and I had time to read through a letter from bio dad.  He wrote a beautiful letter with words of thanks for taking care of his son.  The fact that both of them trust us - and signed - means a great deal.  This is not to say we don't face an awkward transition and future in terms of how the relationships will play out, but there letters and words are a good thing.

That said, there were a couple of wishes expressed that we will not honor:
- mom asked that we not cut his hair
- dad asked that we not change his name

Both are examples of  what I refer to regarding awkwardness.  He will be ours, but he will always be theirs (emotionally).  In my head I reconcile this and say "he will always be your SBR."  It is also our intention that they will  not find out about the name change, to the best of our ability. 


After he took a quick nap, I returned with Augie.  An hour early so that his bio dad could say goodbye.  I "supervised" the visit...basically hung out with her for the hour until her normal visit started.  In that time we discussed communication.  I had spent the evening prior agonizing over what to offer.  I know she wanted direct communication, rather than being limited through the agency.  I had decided I was okay with that, to an extent.  Communication is completely up to us.  Paul and I finally agreed that I could offer my cell and email, with the exception that it would be blocked to only allow one way communication when we were ready to contact her.  I explained that I would provide her our information but that it was going to be quiet for a long time.  We needed the time to re-establish our role with Augie.  I tried to reassure her that it is important for us that he knows them and we will try to facilitate that in the future.  We had previously agreed to twice a year updates and a once a year visit over lunch. 

I have spent a good part of this evening second guessing and researching what she could find out about us through the email and phone number.  I have done a little cleaning up online.  I also found fa@ebook profiles for both of his parents and blocked them. These types of boundaries are new to me.  Suddenly privacy issues have gone to a new level.  It is something that I did not think of to the degree I am going to be thinking of in the future. 

After my hour with bio mom, the supervisor showed up and I came home for a break.  When I returned, I was expecting to meet Augie's half sister.  Due to transportation difficulties, she was still 15 minutes away.  I sat outside of the building with bio mom awaiting her arrival.  I am so glad I waited and captured a priceless picture of this sweet little girl holding her brother.  After spending a little time in the cold, it was a quick good bye.  At that point we were all physically and emotionally exhausted.  A quick hug and that was the end.

Today was absolutely a new day.  It just felt different all around.  Another hurdle jumped in the road to adoption.  Today I held him more, kissed him more and stared at him.  Though a bond has been forming slowly, it was as if a cord was cut that allowed that bond to increase dramatically.  The miracle that he is has begun to sink in.  The greatness of the gift of a single beautiful child has been emphasized in my mind.  Oh how long it took Rosie to come into our lives.  How long we have prayed to be parents.  To think of the journey until now and the GIFT of Augie.  He is miraculous, beautiful, adorable, wonderful...and....another step closer to being ours.

Acceptance

Thanks be to God.  It sounds like bio mom (and dad) have come to a point of acceptance.  I believe they are realizing that we are the ones who will be raising their son.

The meeting finally happened this morning.  Mom cried.  I cried.  I did my best to reassure her how deeply we love her son and that he will not be our "adopted son" - just our son, as natural as H is our daughter. We spoke about contact after termination.  Her greatest fear is there would be none.  I assured her that I understand the importance for her to get updates and see he is happy and loved, and for him to have the opportunity to know how much he is loved by them.  We discussed the possibilities of emails or contact via texting/pixing.

I explained that I understand this is different than if she was giving him up for adoption, looked through profiles and choose us to raise her son.  I asked how she felt about it being us that has him.  She expressed the desire to know more about us, to meet my husband, to know who we are.  She suggested a meeting without kids to get to know each other.  I left with the resolve to try to accommodate this and make something of a couple/family profile so she can feel comfortable with us. 

It was an awkward...but uber important meeting.  She said that she will go to the termination and if the judge ask, state she is in agreement.  We are making plans for the closing visit in two weeks.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS!  They are working on their hearts.  Please keep them coming!