our open adoption

When my husband and I started attending adoption training, the idea of an open adoption was a stumbling block.  For him more than me.  It was difficult to imagine "another set of parents" out there.  Fortunately, we moved beyond that hurdle and still signed up.  This year we were awarded an honor by our state representative for our "work with birth families."

We became foster parents with the hope of adopting. When I met Leann* and Rex* they just wanted their son back. Augie was placed with us when he was two months old. Initially, during the drop off for supervised visits, we would exchange the specifics of infant care and nothing else. Eventually maybe I would share a story of something he did or a picture. Occasionally we would listen to them vent their frustrations. It was an awkward way to get to know them.

I was never rooting for them to fail. As things got worse for them, our case became stronger. It wasn't too long before the case passed to adoption. At the last possible second (before their rights were terminated by the court) they signed consents. We met with Leann to discuss what an open relationship would look like to us.  At that time Leann specifically asked that for Augie, we refer to her as Leann.  She did not want to be "Aunt Leann" or some other weird title.  She also recognized we are mom & dad, and gave us the respect of that title.

Since the adoption we have had three visits. The first, with Leann, Augie and me. The second, Leann and two of Augie's half siblings (the first time they were all together). And in December, my husband and I brought Augie to Chuck E Cheese to visit with Leann & Rex.

Each time I am amazed to see the resemblances. Each time Leann expresses her deep gratitude.

Why do we do it?

Well....we went through the adoption process we were open to the instruction.  We had never done this before.  When our social worker suggested visitation, I understood it as something that could be beneficial to Augie later in life.  Basically, it is helpful for them to know he is well taken care of and he will always have an accurate picture of who they are, so as not to imagine his life would have been so much better if he had never been adopted.

While thinking about and preparing for a visit, it is not something I am terribly excited about.  But, after the fact, I am always glad we did it.  Especially the visit with his siblings.  It felt so wonderful to coordinate a simple visit that happened to be the first time in their life they were ever together.  Augie's half bio sister gets so excited.  I am happy to do it for her.

This said, it is something that should be considered on a family by family visit.  At this time, and unless her situation drastically changes, we have no plans for visitation with Catie's bio mother/family.  We do communicate by letter once a year (only once so far).

I look at it as accepting a part of the culture of adoption.  It is also a part of my personality.  I helped organize my high school reunion.  I organized my family reunion.  I guess it seems natural for me to keep people connected.

I will continue to update on this topic through the years.  For now, Augie, age 3, who is chill with just about anyone, finds joy in any chance for a play date.

Our first visit

This morning we met with Augie's birth mom for our first post-termination visit (it has been 9 1/2 months since we saw her last). 

The morning started with me waking up at 9am, the same time as the start of our visit.  So, our morning started in a panic.  I called her and we rushed out the door. We got to the restaurant and no birth mom.  I called again, worried they were at a different location, thankfully she was in the parking lot.  Deep breath.  Stress relieving.

It was a good visit.  I had been coaching Augie of her name for a few days.  She lit up when she saw him and so did he.  They look so much alike.  He gave her a kiss, gave me a look for reassurance then gave her a hug.  I bought breakfast and if you read from our final visit it was a HUGE deal for birth mom when we bought her coffee in the past...free is not a part of her world.  We talked about the things Augie is doing, how her life is going and our adoption relationship.  She referred to Augie by the name we choose for him and said how she looked it up to pronounce it correctly.  She said it suited him and his birth father had accepted the change better than she thought he would.

We talked, we played and she got lots of kisses.

It is/was a bit nerve wrecking knowing in the past they had two requests;  1. We not cut his hair 2. We not change his name.  We did not honor either of those requests.  They have accepted these things and are still grateful for any relationship we allow.  She assured me we are his parents and she can just hope for contact and a relationship.  I assured her that I do not fear they will be a bad influence or go against us (in how we are raising him).

Overall, it was wonderful.  There is a definite pull in me to more openness.  I have to limit my enthusiasm.  I have to refrain from referring to her as "mama".  We refer to them by their first names, at their request. 

Augie has two half siblings by his birth mom.  They live with different adoptive parents and have never been photographed together.  My goal is to facilitate a summer visit for the kids to get together and continue a winter visit with mom and dad. 

I left the visit praising God.  While I would love to be a fly on the wall to hear her take on the visit, I need to trust what I know and what I see.  I see a mother who loves the son she gave birth to and I am grateful for her.

about a boy

Tomorrow is our first visit with Augie's birth mom since they said goodbye, back in February.  The excitement has been building and I was thrilled when my husband declared it was exciting.  I will be taking him by myself while DH watches the girls.  We are meeting at our favorite restaurant and I am crossing my fingers Augie will be well behaved.  I will update later...but for now, here the letter to the birth parents coming with us.  

It feels as if it has been forever.  We think of you daily.  I could write pages about Augie. 

Let me just tell you about this boy…he is the sweetest most challenging person I know.  He will go out of his way to give the sweetest kisses, and 5 minutes later be covered in ink, marker, diaper cream, etc.  We joke that he needs a water bottle attached to his hip to keep him hydrated.  When he is not happy at the dinner table he pushes (or throws) his  food and grunts.  He loves playing with Rosie and it is so much fun to watch them play games together.  And Airplanes…boy does he love airplanes.  We were on a walk recently when he saw an airplane.  He was just walking aimlessly with his arms out, making the sound, “flying” through his imagination.  Though he will not hear me call his name from 5 feet away, he manages to hear airplanes 5,000 feet away (selective hearing). 

He loves to sing itsy bitsy spider and twinkle twinkle little star.  He is starting to sing the alphabet song (just a bit) and become familiar with counting numbers. 

I have a theory that his head is magnetically drawn to the floor.  He still frequently has a bruisey forehead, but overall, he is wonderful. 

We are so excited for our visit and looking forward to creating more memories together in the future.  My hope is to get the kids together at some point for a visit together. 

We are just figuring out this whole adoption and open relationship thing, so bear with us…but we are grateful that you love him so much and we hope to foster your relationship with him as the years go by. 

With Love,Ua