The Hidden Life

What a beautiful meditation and reflection this morning from Divine Intimacy #324.

I have been battling the voices of the evil one in my ear.  That I am not good enough, not doing enough, failing my children, etc.  The depth of my prayer recently has been crying out the name of Jesus, each morning and all day.  And usually in frustration at the end of the night.

I am frustrated with the mundaneness of my life.  Especially as the sun becomes less and the confinement to home becomes greater.

Life update:  I am homeschooling a 6th grader, 4th graded and Kindergartener.  My special needs 2nd grader is currently in public school and my 3 & 4 year old boys are bussed to preschool every day.  Homeschooling is a beautiful thing and I love the peace of homeschool, but family life  is always tricky.  It is a constant struggle to keep the busyness at bay.

Satan finds us most easily in the busyness.  God finds us in our peace.

This morning I carved out some quiet time.

Jesus’s life was 33 years.  We know his story in the beginning, a few moments from his childhood and then the last 3 years are where we learn the most from Him.  But those last three years would not have been possible without the thirty years that preceded them.  Our Church would not be possible if it weren’t for the hidden life.  Evangelization and missionary works could not exist without an army of prayer behind those works.

Family life is often the hidden life.  While we may interact with others in our time of busyness, this is the time we are called to be quiet, in a matter of speaking.  Anyone who has been to my house knows it is anything but quiet in the real meaning of the word.

After children, I have mostly stopped blogging.  I have recently given up Facebook as I found that hate grows too big there.  My interactions are mostly those of face to face encounters.  Which, I have learned harshly this past year,  are oh so necessary.

90% or greater of my time is spent at home with my children.  And here lies the hidden life of the family.  Our family has a nightly rosary devotion, which started as a New Years resolution two years ago.  This is a powerful tool and such a bringer or peace to our lives.  I have a praying husband, which is so evident in the love and acts of service my husband provides.

It is much more difficult to do a self analysis, but to say, I am constantly striving to accomplish my own prayer, amidst the teaching of prayer and scripture and forgiveness and mercy that happens in a daily basis in our family life.

I love the challenge to think of this time as the hidden life.  This time of prayer and sacrifice that will make possible fruitfulness and evangelization in ways I cannot see or know.  God bless those mamas, papas and families living their hidden life.  Jesus, we trust in you.

Out of left field

Blaise and me in reflection outside of the hospital Friday.

Can I let you in on a secret?? Or three??? 

On Friday night at 4pm I received a phone call. It was my case worker at CYS.  Holding my breath, I prepared myself for her to tell me there was a problem with the termination of parental rights.  TPR was June 11th and we are still in the 30 day window where an appeal could take place. 

But that was not the reason she was calling.  

In our county we can only have six kids in our home.  Our littlest two bring our kid count to six, so we knew we would be closed out as foster parents upon their successful adoption. 

I have been unloaded baby stuff like crazy this past year.  While we have always been open to conception, without the certainty of foster adoption, there was no reason to hold on to anything. 

But God tends to move in our life when we unload stuff (literally and figuratively)!  

My case worker informed me that the day before, Thursday afternoon, a baby was born at the hospital and was a full sibling to my (adopted) son.  And she wanted to know if we would be a placement resource.  

If we said yes, she would have to write out a special waiver to be approved by regional.  But since the baby was a full sibling, we would most likely be approved. 

I knew my husband would say yes.  He later joked "it's like we are addicted!"  

I returned her call quickly with our yes and plans moved forward.  We were told we were on hold, as the grandparents were a primary resource.  If grandparents fell through we were next in line.  

Incidentally, we have had an open relationship with J & R, my son's birth parents, since he was adopted.  We have seen them twice every year and communicate via email.  I hadn't seen them for a year and suddenly understood why.  I asked my social worker if I could bring my son to visit them.  It was a "no", but then I explained my son wanted to meet this new baby, she coincided to "use your best judgment". 

We immediately went down there.  J & R were thrilled and so surprised by our visit.  The baby is seven tiny perfect pounds, fresh from the womb.  But I had to sit with them and pretend like nothing was happening. They tell me how excited they are about the life they are preparing for her and if anything happens, how hard they will fight. During the visit my phone rings twice. I step outside and learn that grandparents cannot be a resource. We need to have our phone at the ready and be prepared to pick the baby up tomorrow. 

I go back inside and spend more time listening to their hopes and dreams. And their fears. I hug mom. My heart is breaking. 

We leave and then we go shopping for some infant necessities.

The next day goes on as normal, with the exception that I took the puppy to the vet to get her boosters and vaccines.  My family comes home from an outing, we lay down for a nap and then the phone rings. 

I go to the hospital and am ushered into a room by myself.  I watch videos about baby safety, then eventually meet with the case worker and the pediatrician.  After 90 minutes, they finally wheel her in.  I get her loaded in the car seat, they get all the security paraphenia taken off and we head out. 

I make the mistake off looking back.  R, dad, is in doorway a few rooms down watching us leave.  Without thinking I reach my hand back in a wave, not the joyful kind, definitely a sorrowful one. 

So, here we are now.  Exceeding capacity thanks to a surprise and a yes. 

I know, without a doubt that our families believe us to be crazy.  And I am grateful for all their love and support anyhow.  Every decision we make, regarding our family, affects our village.  There is no particular motivation in this yes.  We definitely don't make it based on our confidence in ourselves.  More based on our faith in a great big God.  

While we are open, as always, in being an adoptive resource, it would bring me great joy to hand her back to J & R one day with trust in their readiness to be parents that get to keep their child. 

via GIPHY

"Are you my mommy now?"

Termination of parental rights happened on June 11th.  And in the most ironic thing after almost two years of just being mom to him, he has started asking "are you my mommy now?"  It is the most heartbreaking thing.

Thirty days to clear the appeal process then onwards to adoption.

And baby boy, forever and always, as long as I live, your mommy I will be.

the 411

The important meeting happened today.  It went better than we imagined, and then not.  Let me explain....

Up until last Thursday the boys were moving towards reunification.  We were expecting it would happen prior to March.  And then we found out earlier this week from our caseworker that reunification was even less likely and mom would be invited to sign termination of parental consent. 

We were not expecting to hear that she did in fact sign.  Nor were we expecting to hear that 3 minutes later she revoked her consents.  

So nothing is for sure, but now the county will be putting adoption as the primary case goal.  Visits are being reduced and we wait until the next hearing in March.  

519 days in foster care and counting....

round and round and round we go

Where this merry-go-round stops, nobody knows.

The irony of my word for the year...IMPERFECT.

That is the anthem of my motherhood.  I am so so very far from anything resembling perfect.  But yet the Lord has entrusted me with six of his children.

Thank God He loves them perfectly.   I am merely the (imperfect) handmaid of the Lord.

The challenge of foster parenting is to love without measure.   To love without certainty of the future.  To love them as much as you can, for as long as you can.  And sometimes you are called to love them forever.

Please pray for a very important meeting scheduled for Wednesday at 10am.

We are praying with vigor for the boys this New Year.   Thy will be done.  Let them land where they are meant to stay.

The Long Wait

Knowing that the boys are likely leaving and then waiting for that to happen, it's grueling.  While a traditional love relationship would want to hang on, this sacrificial love relationship wants to let go.  Pull the band aid off.  Let's get it over with.

Add to that the uncertainty.  My greatest hope for the boys is the end up where they are supposed to be forever.  If that is with us, we promise them forever.  If that is with mom, unfortunately, the future is less certain.   Dear Lord, keep them from bouncing. 

I saw mom's "apartment" for the first time.  Only from the outside and the door way, but enough.  Enough to be fearful for them of them having enough.  Dear Lord, protect and provide for them. 

Christmas shopping for children that could be gone a month or two after is a bit tricky too.  Dear Lord, help us not to be materialistic, help us instead to shower them with love.

And Lord, for my family, I pray.  Give us peace, direction and aid for this long, long winter.

'Da Boys

Well, at this moment they are on the fast track for home.  Instead of transferring the case to adoption, the court & county gave mom a 6 month extension. 

To my surprise this does not mean they will be in our care for the next six months.  The county is hoping to start overnight visits as early as Christmas and then fast track them home by January or February.  

I am told this also depends on counselors clearing mom, which hasn't happened yet. 

We have slowly started to let them go, if only a little.  Our kids are fully aware and we have promised a fun weekend away for our family if and when they leave.   

The hardest part of letting them go is knowing the case could change at any moment.  I think it is pretty universal that we want to have a plan for our lives and our future.  In the world of foster care, there are no guarantees.  

So for now, our boys' room is full of 3.  Only God knows for how long.

It's been...

one year since they came to us;
got the call and we said "Oh my Gosh!"



It's crazy to think that after a year the roller coaster is still going and we don't know where it's leading these baby boys.  My last post about reunification....well, not too fast.  It was only going to take one trip up and there seems to be about three.  Suddenly we are tossing around boy's names again.

If you asked me which outcome I prefer, I honestly don't know.   I truly want what is the best for the boys.  And at this moment we are what is best for these boys.  For forever?  I don't know?   But for now.  They are put.

And I might have just driven through a car lot on my way home from a visit looking for roomier options.

One Week (Live)

Barenaked Ladies

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Lyrics

It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side
and said I'm angry
Five days since you laughed at me saying
Get that together come back and see me
Three days since the living room,
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
As I make you stop, think
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
I summon fish to the dish,
Although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the sushi
Cause it's never touched a frying pan

Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like Leann Rimes
Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits
You try to hold me but I bust through

Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin, achin shake
I like vanilla, It's the finest of the flavors
Gotta see the show,
Cause then you'll know
The Vertigo is gonna grow
Cause it's so dangerous,
You'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said you're 

One Week (Live)

Barenaked Ladies

Buy for $1.29

SUBSCRIBE

START FREE RADIO

Subscribe to Google Play Music and listen to this song and millions of other songs. First month free.

Lyrics

It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side
and said I'm angry
Five days since you laughed at me saying
Get that together come back and see me
Three days since the living room,
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
As I make you stop, think
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
I summon fish to the dish,
Although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the sushi
Cause it's never touched a frying pan

Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like Leann Rimes
Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits
You try to hold me but I bust through

Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin, achin shake
I like vanilla, It's the finest of the flavors
Gotta see the show,
Cause then you'll know
The Vertigo is gonna grow
Cause it's so dangerous,
You'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said you're 

heading to reunification?

So, well, hey there.  It's been forever.  It's time for an update from me.  We have had 6 kiddos in our home since Angel and Bullfrog arrived last August.  It is hard  to believe we are coming up on a year already.

We had court this morning and for the first time in our fostering career, we have a case moving towards reunification.  People ask me how I feel about that.  And the answer, I am not quite sure.

I was encouraged to be very open with one particular daughter, to help protect her as she clearly has attachments with them.  When I informed her they may be going back to their birth mother, her first response was "when can we foster again?"  That seems to be the consensus in this house.  No true element of sadness or recognition of the piece that will be missing from our lives.

And, to tell you the truth, I can't wrap my brain around that either.

There is a part of me that wants to just move on.  But, we know they are for sure in our care until the end of October.

Then there is the reality of our situation.  Having a 1, 2 and 3 year old at the same time is a challenge.  I am not resigned to having a first, second and third grader at the same time in our home school.  Or three in college at the same time.  A little more space between kids would be really nice.

My oldest want's to know when we can adopt an older child, as in she wants someone to be her buddy...as if sibling relationships were ever that easy.

Ideally, for me, we would be adopting the infant (Bullfrog) who has stolen my heart and I have a bit of mama bear defensiveness for at this point.  But, it is not likely they will be split and I see how hard that first-mom is working to get them back.  I hope that she keeps it up.  I hope that she can overcome the challenges of the past and make the life these boys deserve.

Until then, we march on and love them, really truly love them.  It's our job.

angel and bullfrog

Every fostering journey is a roller coaster.  The start of adding a child to your house is always uncomfortable.  Adding a child through foster care has it's unique challenges.  Especially figuring out how to manage, respond to, relate to, communicate with parents of the child.

I have to remember that we have gone through this before.  And I have to keep telling myself we have survived.

Angel is not quite two.  He has a host of special needs.  Bullfrog is an infant, fortunately, he seems to be on track developmentally.  They are one month into the placement and after a visit today, mom is very sure she is getting them back, and she has her fighting gloves on.  And sometimes punches get thrown in my direction.  It is so hard to imagine what life must be like from their side.  They live in such a different world than I do.  Imagine trying to forge a relationship with someone who is so very different from yourself.  And not just different, entitled and pissed off.  That may boil down my experiences this far with birth parents.  And, I only hear the side presented to me by them of love they have lathered on their children.  And then I see their child, suffering from the neglect they clearly endured.

It is hard on one's brain to separate and sort it all out.

And I never feel adequate enough.  Yet, somehow God calls us.  And somehow He fills us with just enough grace to get through just one day at a time.

I will just say it is much easier to be an insider in my life, then an outsider trying to figure out how we do this.  We just do.  And we survive.  They are loved.  They are safe.  That is enough.

Our 3rd Rodeo!

The Lord has his ways of moving us in directions we didn't quite anticipate.

14 years married.  Two miraculous conceptions.  Two miraculous adoptions.  Our lives were quite full with four kids,  but we had room in our heart for one more. 

In December when one door closed, the foster care door opened.  I was fine to take it nice and slow.  We wrapped up training are were recertified in May.  We were presented with a case that made my soul uneasy.  I declined.

After a quiet few months, we checked in with our social worker.  We received a call about an emergency placement,  but we were on vacation.   We came home and were told to be on standby. 

And then we got the call.  Tuesday at 4:30, while my brother in law prepared our dining room table to be an altar for a home Mass.  A 3 month old and a 20 month old, would we be a back up if a kinship family fell through?  

I fought through my insecurities, confessed them to my husband...he said he believed in me...in us.  After Mass we said yes..but it looked like thry would be going with a kinship foster family.   Then, at 6.30pm,  while having dinner and preparing for an interview on local TV (about foster care & adoption) we got the call asking if we could get them.

After our interview,  at 9pm we took the boys into our care. 

And just like that we have 6 kids under 9.  I don't know how long these sweet souls will be under our roof.  The goal is they will be returned to the care of a parent.  But, with this, our 3rd rodeo, we know that bio parents have a long road ahead.  If they can't climb this mountain, we hope to be there for the boys.  But, we are rooting for them, praying for the boys, praying for the best possible outcome for all involved. 

we said no

So we are newly minted foster parents again.  It is a step in courage in our very hectic lives.  We have more room in our hearts and are specifically open to another boy in our family. 

At the same moment I found out we were approved I found out about a case.  A tough case.  Tough in the dramatic circumstances surrounding this poor innocent child.

My heart said yes "let's rescue this baby!".  My head said "but this, but that, and this and that."  I received some spiritual encouragement along the way.  I tried for 5 days to say yes.  Then, this morning at Mass, I said no.  And now a slight grief has set in.  I have no idea what the right situation will be for our family.  I am open to waiting.  Please pray for this child in need of a forever family and the perfect for him family to be located. 

And we continue to wait & pray knowing that God is in control.

the difference between love and bond

Satan works me hard with this one.  He lets me know I am in this isolated place.  An experience that no one ever speaks about.  No one else has gone through this.  

In my desire to be transparent and allow God to work through me, I will speak truth.  I know that I am not alone.

Having given birth and nursed two children and then experienced the miracle of adoption twice, I can say, my bonds are very different.  Past conversations with a Catholic therapist echo in my head.  Birth is natural.  Adoption is supernatural.  A higher calling even.  And this is where it stretches me the most.  Catie, aka #3 started her life under duress.  She did not have the gift of being held, snuggled and loved from the start.  She lived in the NICU, alone, for her first four months.  Her next three months were constant transition, until she ended up in our arms.  Even then, it wasn't wonderful holding her, as she would scream and struggle to overcome all that came with being born addicted.

We did not have a fairy tale start.  But God put these sparkling blue eyes on this little girl to speak straight to my heart.  And I fell in love.

A different kind of love.  A unique kind of love.  A love in the truest sense, as it calls me to sacrifice and to put her interests before my own...every.single.day.  Do I do it well?  No.  God uses her to stretch me in ways that I never knew possible.

Three years after Catie, God saw fit to bless my womb with Joy.  She is now 2.5 and she is bonded.  Like superglue.  And it calls me to constantly look at the great divide between the bonds I have with these two children.  One that I respond to with gushy love.  The other that I respond to with daily sacrifice.  The small moments of sacrifice, like drawing her onto my lap for a book, like starting our day with a hug - things that come naturally with the others are chances to grow in holiness with her.

When I am tuned in, I am reminded that this divide does not come from anything that I have done wrong.  It is in large part due to her very rough beginning.  I do not consider myself to be the most warm and nurturing of mothers, but God still saw fit to send this little girl to me, to nurture.  And there by the grace go I.

Bonds are important.  I fear this and when I fear this, I am prone to despair about her future.  But, with the help of God, from the depths of my soul, I know that I love this girl like nothing else.  And when I consider her on the love scale, all is equal.  I would do anything for any one of my children.  I would give my life in an instant for each of them.  And, while, like a dutiful adoptive mother I can say I love them all equally, Dr Ray Gaurendi might argue that I actually love her the most.  The one that makes me crazy.  The one that is constantly challenging me, the one I come back to again and again.  She's the one I love the most.  "It is not momentary feelings, positive or negative, that are the defining core of love.  It is commitment."  And to this blue eyed beauty, no matter my feelings, I am committed.  And I hope she understands this one day, despite my shortcomings and her struggles.  I am forever grateful to be her mama.

Affirmation

I have given up Facebook for lent; as a result I am blogging to update the "world" on my life.  Pro (for you) or Con (for me) we will see.

Currently I am mother to Rosie, age 7, home schooled via the Mother of Divine Grace program - and yes, lots of divine grace is in fact involved. Augie, 5, is in preschool and sporting a newish diagnosis of ADHD.  A bottle of medication sits on my windowsill, untouched for now.  Catie, age 4, also in preschool,  current diagnosis of anxiety issues in the former of selective mutism (she doesn't speak at school or gymnastics).  And, finally, baby Joy, 17 months of pure toddler...and mostly joy with lots of teething. 

This morning I left a specialist visit with a Pediatric feeding specialist Catie.  If you are a parent of any one older than infant you may be familiar with the challenges of feeding little people.  If you frequent the internet, or mommy groups, you may also know this can be a source of heated debate.  If, you have the challenge of parenting someone with authentic feeding issues (Catie was tube fed while recovering from the ill effects of bio-moms drug use). 

Long story short, what a pure gift to hear a feeding specialist (PhD expert on the matter) tell me we are doing a fantastic job.  Affirmation is much appreciated! 

If you are interested in more info I will try to edit this soon with more details.  Gotta run for now.

joy

Little Miss Sunshine, aka Baby Joy is ONE!  Every day I am grateful that God has chosen me to be her mama.  And every night I am grateful he has chosen my husband to be her Papa :-).  Time for some detachment parenting over here!

I have sat at my desk one hundred times in the last eight months...but with never enough of myself to give to you.  Today, I don't have much, but a few lovely pictures to add.

I am homeschooling a first grader (miracle).  Juggling ten thousand doctors visits for my middle two (with a new ADHD diagnosis in the mix).  Round trips to the pre-school.  Weekly therapy appointments.  Weekly homeschool co-op. And I am more than just treading water, thanks be to Him.

Until next time.

The JOY of the Gospel

If you are in need of lenten reading, consider joining me in reading Evangelii Gaudium...the Joy of the Gospel by Pope Francis.  This one has my name all over it!

giving love

I had a few moments of solitude this afternoon while driving for an errand.  I was contemplating how little I feel right now.  I am pouring all of myself into my children and I have hardly any time to consider my own needs.  I try to make time for prayer...it happens a few times a week.  I stuff food in my face every so often, like a thief having to hide from my preschool beggars.  Hair, make up?  Forget it.  Showers are my sacred time and offer another 10 minutes of stolen solitude.  

precious little moments

Do I need more me time? Sure.  Do I need more date nights?  Yes.  

I have been warned, probably by my father, not to give up too much of myself that I don't know who I am without my children.  I get the gist of this idea.  But we also have a God who wants us to be emptied for love of Him.  He also wants us to find our identity in Him - and I am still working on this.  

I am so grateful to be in a place where I feel all this pouring out it for the good of my soul.  I have been loving my children.  I have been connecting with them.  Sharing special little moments here and there.  Thank you Jesus for taking over my life and guiding me, leading me, one day at a time, closer to your heart.  Thank you for helping me love better, give better, serve better.  

my little man

(planned this for yesterday...and then...there was a problem with my battery...and then....)

What a difference a year has made for my little man...and our ability to survive one another.  I am not even quite sure how to explain this one.  The most lovable, kindest, sweetest kid one minute (especially to everyone else) and then the most challenging, not listening, make you bang your head against a wall kind of kid the next (especially to those he loves most).

so proud to have his white belt

(Blog interrupted to scream after I corrected him for the 1,000,000th time for breaking a toy that does not belong to him by throwing him across the room, an action for which he is corrected 100 times a day)

When I started this blog, yesterday, I had warm glowing things to say.  But now.... This is how my life goes with this one.  

This one.  The one to whom I began yelling.  The one to whom I began spanking.  The one who has overcome every baby proof item known to man.  The one who has been saved by his guardian angel from near death 3 times.  That smile.  That smile keeps this child's heart beating.  

This one, now 4, displays his every little emotion out loud.  And then, he hugs me with his strong little arms and tells me he loves me.  

He is excelling in the preschool environment right now.  His teachers ADORE him.  Even when I drop him off with a big fat question mark of (not) knowing what kind of child I am leaving with them...they adore him.  He is thriving in a very structured environment.   

I am grateful that God has given me this boy to experience raising an XY.  He truly makes life more adventurous...and I will just leave it at that, for now. 

7 Days of Blogging - nursing immunity

I have been riding the baby train...with baby brain...but missing putting thoughts on "paper".

I am going to TRY to join with Jen this week and do 7 posts in 7 days.

Today, I have a pile of bills to sort through so I will be very brief.  Quick intro for anyone new to me.  I have four children, in 6 years, after 5 years of infertility.  #1 bio, #2 & #3 adopted from foster care, #4 bio.  (about us)

Stock via

With my first child, I was convinced of nursing immunity.  I was a stay at home mom and she was never sick.  I was sure breastfeeding protected my child from everything.  #2 and #3 were frequently sick as infants.  Now...with #4, "breastfeeding immunity" is not as huge as I thought.  "Joy" is currently recovering from a cold with bronchiolitis, plus double ear infection.  She hates the antibiotics and it is a trial twice a day to get 5ml of the pink stuff into her little resistant, rasberry spitting, tounge pushing mouth.  Baby Joy is not only here to bring me Joy, but also to teach me that bio does not mean better.  More on these thoughts as the week progresses.

love comes softly

I rarely sit at the computer any more.  The idea of blogging one finger at a time is not as appeling.  When I do sit at the computer, my brain is emptied of any thoughts worthy of a blog post.  Oh, blessed baby brain!

Last week my oldest said something that broke my heart & awakened something deep within.  She commented that her adoptive siblings were not her "real" siblings.  Woooah man.  In retrospect, it was a natural thought process that developed within her.  We have been talking about belly moms & birth siblings.  She did not say it with malice,  merely in conversation.  It sent me into a tailspin of explanations: "we are all adopted by God", "adoption is real family", "we may not share blood but....".  And ultimately, "Rosie, I would give up my life just as fast for them as I would for you."  They are my real children.

I have been seeing Catie with fresh eyes. She is my petitite bebe.  While my others are fierce & loud, Catie is quiet & shy.  She is afraid of most things.  She clings to us when she is shy or scared.  More and more she wants to snuggle.  Always she wants to hold the baby.   

For me...adoption love takes time.  When they are your fosters, they are not yours.  Adoption did not flip the switch for me (with either). The last two years have been hard for us...toddler years are never easy.  Finding my love, digging it out, unearthing & living it is a blessed thing.  With everything inside of me, I wished that love came quicker.  For her sake, most especially.  

I pray PRAY that God's grace covers what was & is lacking in me as her mother.  I pray that God continues to mold me into the mama she so desperately needs & deserves.  Catie, my beautiful girl, I am & will always be your real mama.  You have my whole heart.

(((And as far as my oldest is concerned...we are trying to find the best resources to handle these scenarios.  We have a handful of books - but need more training/info/ideas on bridging the gap.  Happy for any suggestions on processing adoption with kids as they start to understand adoption.)))

5 Favorites - Best Gifts for Young Kids

Trying to keep it simple for my one blog post a month.  Here you go!  ;-)

In three weeks Augie turns 4.  One week later Catie turns 3.  Two kids birthdays and a week later...Christmas.  I have been filling up the wish list with some ideas for our families.  Today I stumbled upon this list, Top Ten Toys for the Active Child and it inspired me to create my own list.  Run down, I have one 6 year old princess, one 4 year old very active warrior, one 3 year old shy girl who still needs help with learning simple concepts...and a newborn (who is set for life)!

So, without further ado...my best gift ideas based on our favorites.

1. Peaceable Kingdom Cooperative Games
A few years back I stumbled upon this game on clearance at Barnes and Nobles.  It has been a favorite to play with the kids since then.  It was my first encounter with a "cooperative game".  When we have guests over they are still convinced they need to be the winner.  It takes some explaining to help them understand the concept is to work together to achieve the common goal.

We have also acquired Fish Sticks.  It is designed for 5 + year olds so we haven't played it with Augie & Catie with any success.  

I bought Feed the Woozle for my nephew's 4th birthday.  I heard from my brother that it was a hit.  

The Peaceable Kingdom website has lots of games along with video previews.  

2. ART SUPPLIES

We go through art supplies like crazy!  Crayons are frequently in short supply around here.  After 5 years of crayons in my home, I have finally decided Twistables are my favorite by far.  I have children that think breaking crayons is fun.  Otherwise they are unwrapping and leaving shreds of teeny crayon paper everywhere.  Note: leaving a pack of Twistables with a a two year old may result in twisted out crayons...but they are easy to fix!  

For the record after this unfortunate but epic episode a few years ago, I try to steer clear of markers and art supplies are restricted to public places. 

3. Learning Toys

Learning Resources is another favorite brand.  We have used many of these during therapy sessions.  I was recently gifted with Alphabet Soup Sorters. 

Lauri Toys Peg Sets are another that we love.  

The thing about these is you probably want to keep them stacked out of reach with the board games and bring them down for when you are playing with the kids.  Our Alphabet Soup & Pegs only come out with supervision.  And yet...I am still endlessly cleaning up pegs around the house.  They become swords (Augie) or Cakes & Candles (Rosie).  I find my kids prefer playing with the pegs to playing with Duplo blocks. 

4.  Books

We read every night and love when new books arrive on the scene.  Let me take this opportunity to plug a friend.  Anthony Destefano has become quite the author since I worked with him back in the day.  We LOVE his books.  Little Star is a perfect Christmas gift!  But I have to say I love all his children's books.  And that is not just spoken with bias.  

Dr Seuss is perfect for this age...and another favorite is Margaret Wise Brown.  If you do not yet have "The Moon Shines Down" it is a must have for your library.  

For my new reader we love Bob Books.  If you do not yet own these...please invest!!  

My favorite chapter books to read with Rosie are Laura Ingalls Wilder and Nancy Drew.  Note to the family, we do not own any of these!  ;-) I didn't learn until recently that quality chapter books for young kids are hard to find!  There are many many bratty characters or not-so-catholic themes (fairy's, magic, etc) to be weary of in early chapter books.  

5.  The gift of time, the gift of a sport (of $ towards it), the gift of an amusement pass, etc.  

My mom's growing up friend talked about taking her nieces out for whole day dates as a birthday gift.  I would love this for my kids!  A great godparent gift idea!  Also, we have some kid oriented amusement parks near by and that always seems to be a bit extravagant for the budget.  But, anything along these lines...a gift card for a special outing with mom, etc....we love these creative gifts!  

Have to wrap up to attend to other things...hopefully this will inspire some wish lists or givers.  

a birth story

I was due on September 23rd.  The midwife that delivered Rosie told us she would be on call the night of 9/22.  It sounded like a perfect time to have a baby.

Friday September 20th, I went to my cousin's football game with my mom & Rosie.  I came home and that evening started to feel contractions.  They never got stronger than 30 seconds and a minute apart and died down before the end of an hour.

Saturday, went with the family to the Padre Pio Shrine...no signs of labor.  The weekend ended and my due date (Monday) passed...and I waited.

I experienced contractions off and on through the week.  I had several sessions of timing contractions.  One night I almost woke up my husband.  I did lots of googling "are these real contractions?".  I considered calling the midwives to let them know I was in pre-labor....but everything that came, disappeared. I grew more disappointed and frustrated.

I tried many natural labor induction techniques.  I drank lots of red raspberry leaf tea and took Evening Primrose Oil tablets, a long walk...and other things.  On Thursday I finally worked up the courage to try Castor Oil.  1 tablespoon here and there, with the okay of the midwife.

Friday September 27th I went to the chiropractor and requested the "Webster" technique.  Though my baby was not breech, a doula friend recommended the treatment.  More contractions that night.  Stronger, but not more than 30 seconds and 3 minutes.

Saturday September 28th - some where in the very early morning I lost my mucus plug - Hallelujah!  I was super excited about that.  Morning contractions, some strong, but nothing terribly regular.  My husband and I made plans to go to the movies to distract ourselves. Around 1pm the contractions started to seem a bit more regular, I decided to call the midwife on the way into our 1:30pm movie to give her a heads up.  I timed them throughout the whole movie on a contraction app.  On the way out of the movie they were starting to get a bit more intense, but not over powering.  When we arrived home hubs informed my mom I was in labor and I retreated to the bedroom to rest,  sit on the birth ball and listen to a hypno babies session.  Just before 7pm I went to the bathroom during a strong/long contraction.  As I was sitting on the toilet my water broke with a "pop".  I had more bloody show.  The water was cloudy.  I texted my doula friend about when to go to the birth center.  Her response was when I loose my smile and can't stand to be around my children any longer.  That happened pretty quickly.  I told hubs to call the midwife.

at the birth center

The midwife on call was at a hospital birth.  She called her back up to meet us at the birth center.  We arrived about the same time she did, shortly after 7:30pm.  At this point contractions were regularly 1 minute long and 2 minutes apart.  We went in and she checked....6cm.

Incidently, this is the same room where Rosie was born.  With her, we arrived at 4cm at 10pm and delivered at 2am.  I don't recall how long transition lasted, but it was painful and I was in a little tub. 

This time, we planned a water birth.  As the midwife set up the tub, I labored with hubs.  I remember having an overall less intense laboring experience with Rosie.  This time it seemed more painful for longer.  When the midwife realized I was GBS+ (she misunderstood me the first time she asked)...she got me prepped for an antibiotic IV.  First attempt, in the wrist...fail....fluid accumulating in my wrist.  As this is going on, I am sitting on the bed having very painful contractions and not paying attention...this part of the account was from my husband.  Second attempt, she got the IV in my arm, but did not get the connection properly hooked up, she dropped something and blood was quickly draining onto the floor.  She fumbled to get a new connection piece and dropped that as well.  Finally, she got the connection in order and she and my husband massaged the bag to get the IV in me as quickly as possible.  I stepped over the large blood puddle and climbed into the tub.

At this point we set up the camera to attempt to video the birth.  I was chanting "help me Jesus, help me God."  And I remember a string of curses of the S variety.  The video clips hubs took of me laboring at this point were not pretty.  I am not sure when transition began, but I was in PAIN.   Around this time the midwife on call returned to relieve the back up.  The nurse arrived as well.  I was sitting in the tub, leaning forward on my knees, with our fan blowing on my face.  The midwife checked me and told me I was 9.5cm dilated and if I wanted to start to push through contractions I could.  I was still cursing through the contractions.  (((Please note here, I was not actually using hypnobabies...I never got into the program, but would definitely try to embrace the program should we do this again)))

The midwife checked me again.  Bad news.  She told me I was 8cm, not 9.5 as she previously thought.  This killed me.  There was lots of "I can't, I can't".  I asked the nurse about something to take the edge off the pain.  The midwife explained that if she would do that I would have to get out of the tub as sleepy babies can't be delivered underwater.  I liked the tub.  More pain and my first ever involuntary pushing.  I told her "I'm pushing, I'm pushing".  My feet had fallen asleep so I moved to sitting on my bum, with my arms spread out across the tub.  Looking at the video my husband describes this as my cruciform position.

I don't know how long I was in the position, but I got the okay to push again.  Some more pushing and hello ring of fire.  I kept asking for the play by play...but more like "how long is this going to take???  how much looooonnnger?"  I was getting more pushing advice...every time I felt like it should be it....but it wasn't.

Finally, on video, a really tough push - pain and I ask "push or relax?" Then I choose relax.  I got my final instructions "If I tell you to push, push; If I tell you to stop, I need you to stop, etc".  Aaannndd, PUSH - with EVERYTHING inside of me.  She was delivered underwater at 10pm...all 9lb 7oz, with her hand beside her face.  She was placed on my belly.  

I checked, said "it's a girl!" Then in a breathless wobbly voice I tell her "thank you for coming out".  As she lay on my belly, she looked up at me with the most beautiful of wide awake eyes.  Quiet alertness.  I held her like this as hubs cut the cord.

Hubs held her and I climbed out of the tub and onto the bed.  I only had a small tear that did not need to be repaired.  Then we got a detailed anatomy lesson on my placenta after it was delivered (at my request to see it).

I held her, nursed her and snuggled her skin to skin for a good hour or more before she was taken to be washed and weighed.  That I love about the birth center!  After she was cleaned up, it was my turn.  I showered and got dresssed in clean jammies.  And then we waited.  They like you to stay 4 hours after the birth for monitoring.  Same as with Rosie, we were counting down the hours and minutes until we could leave.  The kind nurse okayed us to leave at 1:45am.

We went through the McDonalds drive through (I am starving after birth) and fortunately they serve egg mcmuffins in the middle of the night.  I ate two.  We made it home and I laid for a few hours before I heard the kids wake up.  Roll camera again.

better than Christmas morning!

I have been contemplating what her blog name should be.  The formula used on our other kids, did not work for her.  I have a family member with a similar name who was always called "Joy" as a nickname.  I mentioned Joy as a possibility and another blogger commented that "God gave you Joy".  If you have read the blog this past year, Joy has been something I have pondered and sought.  Her comment, bringing light to that connection, made the name perfect.  So, for blogsake...baby Joy!  

not yet 1 day old

5 Favorites

Trying something new, and short, to "feed" my blog until I can get a birth story written.  Here we go!

1. This girl!

I can't get enough.  Especially now that she is smiling & "talking" to us.  She is 1 month, 2 days and sheer joy - with a little exhaustion mixed in.  I still have not quite figured out a blog name for her - but leaning towards "Joy".

2. These people:

Much to my surprise they are all awesome with her.  As I type Augie is on paci patrol (to replace when she spits it out).  Catie thinks she is the best baby doll ever.  Rosie is my supreme baby holder when I need 30 minutes. 

3. Best new baby product:

LOVE our Snuggle Nest!!  I am much too lazy to get out of bed, find baby & go to the nursing spot at 3am.  It has taken her a little bit to get used to sleeping in it, rather than next to me, but it makes for a much better night of sleep for me.  Peace of mind is so huge when co-sleeping.

4. Breast feeding

Such a joy - for both of us.  The look of a baby as they come off the breast...like a little drunk sailor.  Heaven.  Also, I think I have decided that this is the phase I like my body & hormones the most.  No PMS, no preggo craziness...I am even Steven mood wise.  Which makes me a better mama.  I  am enjoying all my kiddos.

5. A product every mama should have but pray they never need:

With school comes challenges like lice.  We had gotten a number of notices sent home about checks being done by the school nurse...and advising us to check our kids.  But how do you check if you have never experienced?  Experience will make you an expert quick.  Lice is something no family should have to deal with...especially with a newborn in the house!!

If I could step back 2 months, when the notices started coming home...I would have ordered this product & learned how to conduct thorough checks.  Shampoo, Condition & sit your child down for some meticulous combing.  One section at a time, each section from every angle.  If you see anything the size of a mustard seed, toothpick it out of the comb and use a magnifying glass.  Most likely it is fuzz, or dandruff - but if it is rust colored, translucent or has legs...be ready to battle.  I have learned combing is the best line of defense.  I will probably make this a monthly routine (but especially i will use it every time a notice comes home).

For the record this comb is far superior to anything in a lice removal kit.  Invest in this!

6. Okay...so cheating a bit...I can not wait for All Saints Day!  Highlight of my year & so much better than the evening that precedes it.  If only I could convince my hubby to give up trick or treating.