our open adoption

When my husband and I started attending adoption training, the idea of an open adoption was a stumbling block.  For him more than me.  It was difficult to imagine "another set of parents" out there.  Fortunately, we moved beyond that hurdle and still signed up.  This year we were awarded an honor by our state representative for our "work with birth families."

We became foster parents with the hope of adopting. When I met Leann* and Rex* they just wanted their son back. Augie was placed with us when he was two months old. Initially, during the drop off for supervised visits, we would exchange the specifics of infant care and nothing else. Eventually maybe I would share a story of something he did or a picture. Occasionally we would listen to them vent their frustrations. It was an awkward way to get to know them.

I was never rooting for them to fail. As things got worse for them, our case became stronger. It wasn't too long before the case passed to adoption. At the last possible second (before their rights were terminated by the court) they signed consents. We met with Leann to discuss what an open relationship would look like to us.  At that time Leann specifically asked that for Augie, we refer to her as Leann.  She did not want to be "Aunt Leann" or some other weird title.  She also recognized we are mom & dad, and gave us the respect of that title.

Since the adoption we have had three visits. The first, with Leann, Augie and me. The second, Leann and two of Augie's half siblings (the first time they were all together). And in December, my husband and I brought Augie to Chuck E Cheese to visit with Leann & Rex.

Each time I am amazed to see the resemblances. Each time Leann expresses her deep gratitude.

Why do we do it?

Well....we went through the adoption process we were open to the instruction.  We had never done this before.  When our social worker suggested visitation, I understood it as something that could be beneficial to Augie later in life.  Basically, it is helpful for them to know he is well taken care of and he will always have an accurate picture of who they are, so as not to imagine his life would have been so much better if he had never been adopted.

While thinking about and preparing for a visit, it is not something I am terribly excited about.  But, after the fact, I am always glad we did it.  Especially the visit with his siblings.  It felt so wonderful to coordinate a simple visit that happened to be the first time in their life they were ever together.  Augie's half bio sister gets so excited.  I am happy to do it for her.

This said, it is something that should be considered on a family by family visit.  At this time, and unless her situation drastically changes, we have no plans for visitation with Catie's bio mother/family.  We do communicate by letter once a year (only once so far).

I look at it as accepting a part of the culture of adoption.  It is also a part of my personality.  I helped organize my high school reunion.  I organized my family reunion.  I guess it seems natural for me to keep people connected.

I will continue to update on this topic through the years.  For now, Augie, age 3, who is chill with just about anyone, finds joy in any chance for a play date.

the challenges of open adoption

I was asked to guest post next week on Foster2Forever about the benefits of open adoption.  I am not usually at a loss for words, but it has been a challenging post to compose.  I firmly believe in the benefits of open adoption.  The ironic part is we are in the middle of a challenging situation that will impact Catie's life.

Back in the summer we went through a court battle with bio-aunt and bio-uncle who were fighting for Catie to be theirs.  It was a very unique set of circumstances.  Ultimately, the county did not feel it was in her best interest.  Their lawyer essentially represented us (as county foster parents) to keep her.  I was asked to testify in front of biological parents and relatives about how we love Catie, how she reacts negatively following visits with the aunt and how she is thriving in our routine.  The judge made it very clear how important she felt the family connection was.  She had me stand up in the back of the court room and asked what I saw could work to allow Catie to maintain a relationship with her Aunt and Uncle.  I stated that I had once a month visits in mind.  The judge seemed to accept this and challenged the Aunt to accept this (who was clearly emotionally upset from the decision that Catie would not be theirs).  No visitation was ordered, essentially leaving degree of contact in our hands.

Since that time we have scheduled a once a month visit with the Aunt & Uncle.  I talk to the aunt on the phone.  It is a very brief conversation.  I drop Catie at the door (where the uncle picks her up).  The Uncle returns her to my house three hours later.  In 6 months, I have not physically seen the Aunt.

I asked to set up a breakfast meeting with the Aunt & Uncle.  Primary motivation, we don't know them.  They have not extended themselves to us or attempted to form a relationship with us.  Secondary motivation, to put the ball in their court for scheduling visits.

That breakfast meeting was this morning.

Bottom line, I do not feel comfortable with Catie having unsupervised visits in their home.  There are other members of the household whom I do not trust to be unsupervised with my daughter.  I KNOW that if I offer park visits, offer to come with Catie to supervise, etc etc, it is going to upset the aunt, who specifically wants unsupervised visits in her home.

But.  She is our daughter.  It is our job to protect her and keep her from harm.  I know that this will likely be the last we see or hear from the aunt (who after this morning still believes we are okay with monthly unsupervised visits).

We are taking this to prayer.  Truly seeking God's will.  Please pray with us for this situation.

Our first visit

This morning we met with Augie's birth mom for our first post-termination visit (it has been 9 1/2 months since we saw her last). 

The morning started with me waking up at 9am, the same time as the start of our visit.  So, our morning started in a panic.  I called her and we rushed out the door. We got to the restaurant and no birth mom.  I called again, worried they were at a different location, thankfully she was in the parking lot.  Deep breath.  Stress relieving.

It was a good visit.  I had been coaching Augie of her name for a few days.  She lit up when she saw him and so did he.  They look so much alike.  He gave her a kiss, gave me a look for reassurance then gave her a hug.  I bought breakfast and if you read from our final visit it was a HUGE deal for birth mom when we bought her coffee in the past...free is not a part of her world.  We talked about the things Augie is doing, how her life is going and our adoption relationship.  She referred to Augie by the name we choose for him and said how she looked it up to pronounce it correctly.  She said it suited him and his birth father had accepted the change better than she thought he would.

We talked, we played and she got lots of kisses.

It is/was a bit nerve wrecking knowing in the past they had two requests;  1. We not cut his hair 2. We not change his name.  We did not honor either of those requests.  They have accepted these things and are still grateful for any relationship we allow.  She assured me we are his parents and she can just hope for contact and a relationship.  I assured her that I do not fear they will be a bad influence or go against us (in how we are raising him).

Overall, it was wonderful.  There is a definite pull in me to more openness.  I have to limit my enthusiasm.  I have to refrain from referring to her as "mama".  We refer to them by their first names, at their request. 

Augie has two half siblings by his birth mom.  They live with different adoptive parents and have never been photographed together.  My goal is to facilitate a summer visit for the kids to get together and continue a winter visit with mom and dad. 

I left the visit praising God.  While I would love to be a fly on the wall to hear her take on the visit, I need to trust what I know and what I see.  I see a mother who loves the son she gave birth to and I am grateful for her.

more thoughts on open adoption

Fostering to adoption, by it's nature, is significantly more "open" than most adoptions (kinship aside).  At least, that has been our experience.

From day one, we know the situation with the family (in other words...we know their dirt).  During visits, there is time to see biological family for drop off and pick up.  Interaction is hoped for and encouraged.

In our first round of fostering, my relationship with Augie's parents grew and developed over time.  While there were uncomfortable moments, we grew to like one another.  During TPR, my husband and I took bio mom out for coffee, presented her with a gift and opened up about our family (just enough so she would understand the kind of life her son would have).  Since then, I have felt pulled towards a greater level of contact (than our agreed upon twice a year updates, once a year visits).  I spoke with her by phone recently, just to say "hello". 

In THIS situation, with baby love, it was looking like the judge may mandate visitation.  She did not.  She did, however, talk at length about Act 101.  You can read more about that here.  It is essentially a binding agreement about visitation.  After multiple discussions during our first adoption, we choose not to sign this as we still want to make decisions we feel are in the best interest of our child (if his parents went off the deep end, for example). 

It was very clear from listening to this "pro-bio family" judge, that the tide is turning in the adoption scene.  We have been grateful to have the time to allow our hearts to warm to the idea of open adoption.  I am grateful for a good relationship with Augie's bios to set the stage.  That said.  If we are so blessed to keep baby love, I do not see an ongoing relationship with the bio parents going as well.  So here, I am grateful that the aunt will remain in the picture for baby love to maintain a connection to her bio family. 

To close, I had a play date this morning with another foster mom.  I am so sad (for her) that she did not have the same guidance about boundaries as I received.  She mentioned it is almost a bio-parent "free for all" and discussed struggling with the impact of visitation on her children.  I urged her to set boundaries. 

Open adoption and ongoing visitation.  It is an issue that we have struggled with from the beginning.  What is right for the children?  I don't know.  But I am glad that the days of adoption secrets are behind us.