Fostering to adoption, by it's nature, is significantly more "open" than most adoptions (kinship aside). At least, that has been our experience.
From day one, we know the situation with the family (in other words...we know their dirt). During visits, there is time to see biological family for drop off and pick up. Interaction is hoped for and encouraged.
In our first round of fostering, my relationship with Augie's parents grew and developed over time. While there were uncomfortable moments, we grew to like one another. During TPR, my husband and I took bio mom out for coffee, presented her with a gift and opened up about our family (just enough so she would understand the kind of life her son would have). Since then, I have felt pulled towards a greater level of contact (than our agreed upon twice a year updates, once a year visits). I spoke with her by phone recently, just to say "hello".
In THIS situation, with baby love, it was looking like the judge may mandate visitation. She did not. She did, however, talk at length about Act 101. You can read more about that here. It is essentially a binding agreement about visitation. After multiple discussions during our first adoption, we choose not to sign this as we still want to make decisions we feel are in the best interest of our child (if his parents went off the deep end, for example).
It was very clear from listening to this "pro-bio family" judge, that the tide is turning in the adoption scene. We have been grateful to have the time to allow our hearts to warm to the idea of open adoption. I am grateful for a good relationship with Augie's bios to set the stage. That said. If we are so blessed to keep baby love, I do not see an ongoing relationship with the bio parents going as well. So here, I am grateful that the aunt will remain in the picture for baby love to maintain a connection to her bio family.
To close, I had a play date this morning with another foster mom. I am so sad (for her) that she did not have the same guidance about boundaries as I received. She mentioned it is almost a bio-parent "free for all" and discussed struggling with the impact of visitation on her children. I urged her to set boundaries.
Open adoption and ongoing visitation. It is an issue that we have struggled with from the beginning. What is right for the children? I don't know. But I am glad that the days of adoption secrets are behind us.
3 comments:
The open thing was always what scared us about domestic adoption. THat, and the possible eternal wait. The idea that you won't know who is going to be part of your family is pretty scary.
Just found your blog. Our 4 almost 5 yr old was our foster daughter for 17 months before we adopted her almost 2 yrs ago. We can never really have a closed adoption unless we move. We live in a small city and run into each other at places like the grocery store or local fairs and festivals. Birthfather knows us from the months of visitation/fostering. It's hard because in her case she was removed due to severe physical abuse and we feel it's best for her not to have any contact with her birthfather. We never met her birthmother but we send her photos through the old caseworker. No one is our county encourages openness. In fact we're considered unusual for sending birth mom photos at all. We're not fostering currently but trying to pursue domestic adoption. Mostly because we had sibling placement that went home after several months and it was very hard on our daughter and of course not easy for us either.
Becky, you make an excellent point. Our foster placements are related to neglect, rather than abuse. I can not see openness in abuse situation as beneficial. From this judge, she was not encouraging openness with the bio parents as much as stressing the importance of a relative connection.
I am sorry for the situation with the sibling set. Best of luck in your adoption process.
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