our case

Following up on an earlier statement, I would just like to clarify when I said mom unsigned.

I was not surprised at the report, nor was I particularly concerned.  Our case is still progressing and overall her parents have done little to nothing to get her back.  Dad's rights are terminated (though I still can't quite figure out how this works exactly in the foster care system...more in second).  Mom has made not attempt to resume visitation.  The social worker will continue to move forward with the termination hearings.

Regarding TPR...this is what I have experienced and what applies to foster care in our county/state:

• Termination of parental rights can happen either voluntarily (they sign) or involuntarily (they don't sign).  Involuntary TPR looks bad on the parent's record.
  
• In the case with Augie, neither parent wanted to sign...understandably.  They wanted him.  BUT they were not compliant with the changes they needed to make in their lives.  Our social worker filed for the termination hearing (for involuntary)  It was scheduled for Feb 28th.  After she finished her reports (a lengthy process from what I understand) - they signed, right before the termination hearing.  This made her reports unnecessary to the case as well as extended the process for us.
    
• After a parent signs, they have 30 days to revoke, or change their minds.  After the 30 day period, a confirmation of consent hearing is scheduled.  After that hearing there is an an additional 30 day waiting period.  If you are thinking what I am thinking....So, what does that mean?  Can they change their minds after the confirmation hearing??  I don't think so, but I am not exactly sure what that second waiting period is for. 

I was told by our last adoption worker that she has never seen a case passed to the adoption unit where the child then went back to live with his/her parents.  This does not account for relatives showing up during this period, however.

• After the termination hearings are all said and done and after the 30 day waiting period, THEN you can file petitions to adopt.  With Augie TPR was all said and done in May and we adopted him in July. 

Reading other foster blogs, I have learned that cases seem to be handled so differently from place to place. 

I have learned to love that my county does a great deal of research up front to identify a possible kinship resource.  In both the case of Augie and Catie, we had to wait out/overcome the biological aunt that wanted them.  The benefit of this process is that is largely handled upfront, rather than on the back end.  For example, we knew about the aunts in both cases and still choose to accept the placements.   If our kinship research department was not strong (or that was not a priority) these women could have popped up later and unexpectedly, causing a great deal of fear, delays or worse. 

And back to Catie.  We had our first visit with the adoption social worker.  She is young and the young ones tend to fill the space more with words that potentially get your hopes up.  I learned this after many hours of sitting with our last, very experienced adoption worker said very little and just enjoyed the coffee and kids.  Our new caseworker is in the process of scheduling TPR.  I believe they try to terminate on the same day.  Although one signed and one unsigned...so not sure how this happens (they are two different types of hearings).  If mom comes forward and signs again...stick another 30 day wait in here anywhere.

Social worker hopes to possibly schedule tpr hearing by the end of the year.  She said to keep in mind everyone is vacationing around this time for the holidays, so it may not happen before 2012.  BUT, if it does...we could potentially have an adoption by February!!  OKAY...let me just inject a bit of realism here....I have learned to never believe timelines from young social workers (mrs. experience rarely offered a timeline).  BUT it is sure easy to run with that idea in one's head! 

Catie is JUST.ON.THE.CUSP of crawling.  Maybe this week?  She gets on all fours and does that adorable wiggle all the time.  I love her!  Thanks to Veggie Tales playing frequently in our home, I am often singing Catie Manateee.... you are the one for me....sent from up above...you are the one I love (one I love). 

Ruffles!

I have never been known for setting fashion trends, but in the last two weeks (since I changed over my wardrobe for fall/winter) I have had an intense desire for feminine looking tops. 

I realized that every time I wear a top with ruffles, I am complemented.  My profile picture has a shirt I love (with ruffles). 

 On my anniversary, I wore a cute ruffled shirt.  I don't pull it too often because it has a poof that makes me look pg, but I have tucked into an adorable skirt with pockets and received 4 complements out on date night. 

I tried my theory again today with another cotton ruffle shirt, and yes...complement!

When facing down my closet full of formless or even tight fitting unfemininely shaped sweaters, I am dreaming of ruffles. 

Sure enough, go to my favorite store under blouses and there are lots of ruffles.  So, for the first time, I am pinning something into my style section of Pinterest that I have not copied from someone else's cute outfit. 

Thanks to Magnify the Lord and God's Plan for getting me thinking about fashion.  :)

Reflections from Adoration

Every October our parish hosts a month of adoration.  Today I had the great privilege to attend, thanks to the fantastic idea of a friend who suggested a kid-swap.  In this little chapel, I have prayed through many years of struggles.  Due to the blessing of my children, this is the first time I have been able to attend in a few years. 

I had a fantastic time of reflecting upon the goodness of the Lord.  As I was wrapping up my time, I felt the Lord calling me to Psalm 13.  In my bible it was entitled "Prayer in Time of Illness".  "Ummm, God?"  But I read through.

Psalm 13
I

2How long, LORD? Will you utterly forget me?

How long will you hide your face from me?^a

3How long must I carry sorrow in my soul,

grief in my heart day after day?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

II
4Look upon me, answer me, LORD, my God!
Give light to my eyes lest I sleep in death,
5Lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed,”
lest my foes rejoice at my downfall.^b

III
6But I trust in your faithfulness.
Grant my heart joy in your help,
That I may sing to the LORD,
"How good our God has been to me!"^c

* [Psalm 13] A typical lament, in which the psalmist feels forgotten by God (Ps 13:2–3)—note the force of the repetition of “How long.” The references to enemies may suggest some have wished evil on the psalmist. The heartfelt prayer (Ps 13:4–5) passes on a statement of trust (Ps 13:6a), intended to reinforce the prayer, and a vow to thank God when deliverance has come (Ps 13:6b).

At part III it started to make sense.  I reread it a couple of times and then my time in this little chapel made even more sense.   For so many years I felt forgotten by God.  I was carrying sorrow in my soul from the burden of Infertility.  That particular cross shook my faith to the core.  Through the years my husband and brother in law (a priest) would try to offer encouragement and words of inspiration.  I did not see the face of God in my suffering.  I was mad. 

I struggled, truly struggled through this.  I wanted to find God but WHY would He make the greatest desire of my heart to be a mother and then withhold from me that ability, that gift. 

My all time favorite verse, as I matured in my struggle, was from Genesis.  The story of Jacob wrestling with the angel.  If you have not read it, go!  It is from Genesis 32 verse 25-29.  The line...my life line: "But Jacob said, “I will not let you go until you bless me.”

Tonight we celebrated our anniversary with a lovely evening out.  I am SO blessed with my children and it is SO nice to have a night with out them with the man who started it all.

For me, it did take being blessed to truly speak that last verse.  I can look in reflection and pray "I trust in your faithfulness. Grant my heart joy in your help, That I may sing to the LORD,"How good our God has been to me!"

 

9 years ago

9 years ago I woke up from my last night of singleness.

In my journal I wrote:

"It is here!  Today I will be a bride - and I will walk down the aisle and share vows with Paul.  I am so excited and my heart is bursting as I write this.  Praise Jesus for the joy in my heart right now.  I can't even comprehend the enormity of this great covenant - yet my hope and trust are in the Lord who has brought me this far" 

My freshman year of college I gave up dating for lent.  Yes...I was a bit boy crazy and it was a perfectly legitimate sacrifice.  :)  One that ended up changing my life in a significant way.  As I offered that sacrifice to the Lord, I felt Him urging me to make a 3 year commitment to Him.  To give up dating for 3 years.  That same week, in my secular college bookstore, I stumbled upon this newly released book and about had a heart attack.  It was God's gift to me.

The next man I fell in love with was my husband, 5 years later. 

Those 5 years were my gift to God and to my future husband.  In the same way, my husband committed his heart to me years before we met.  God did write our love story.  What a glorious day!

I will save more wedding day reflections for anniversary #10.  At the prompting of Betty Beguiles I am going to share a bit about our honeymoon.

We choose Banff, Canada.  We had Canada in mind and one our my bridesmaids had chosen that as their location, two months before us.  We followed their recommendation.  It was gorgeous!   Hiking, horseback riding, views, glaciers.

And apart from the silly stories for our private memoirs....here are a few moments we will never forget:
- Our first night I wanted to start a fire in our fireplace at the hotel while my hubby was downstairs picking up a pizza. He came up and in the room as smoke was billowing out and our smoke detector was going off. I had forgotten to open the flue. Thank goodness our hotel was not evacuated.
-  Drinking hot chocolate spiked with peppermint schnapps and playing scrabble in front of the lobby fireplace
- Watching The Ring in the theater and then immediately dragging Paul (who was terribly hungry) back in the theater to watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding, again...to get the horror movie off my mind....we also had to switch hotels as a result of this move as we were in a cabin-like place at the time.
- Eating at the Grizzly House, our favorite by far. 
- Loving the hot springs, and then learning later that my husband made that ultimate sacrifice for me (he does not do hot)
- Dreaming about our future and our family...which couldn't come soon enough.  9 years later we are so truly blessed beyond our wildest dreams.

the reality

Lest I trick people into thinking foster care is easy, let me take a few minutes to share the reality.

First, mom revoked.  Essentially, this means she unsigned.  I am not sure if it is just in our state or just a foster care thing, but after signing TPR, parents have 30 days to change their minds.  Our social worker discussed this possibility with us.  I was prepared for the possibility. 

Foster care is hard.  Parents are not willingly giving up their children.  While there are in fact some completely horrific parents (abusers, for example), most parents love their children and just can not care for them (or care for themselves).  Putting myself in baby love's mother's shoes, I can see why she revoked.  She has a mother's heart.  I imagine most women would suffer deep agony in the process of letting go of their child.  Our social worker mentioned one mother she had who signed and revoked three separate times.  While our process would be quicker had she not revoked, I am also grateful to see that piece of her "mother's" heart.  She is attempting to change herself for the good of her child.  

Foster care is hard.  You don't want to see parents fail.  Being a foster parent is unique; Especially for the pre-adoptive foster parents (those seeking to adopt).  While you can not imagine letting go of the child you love, you are also witness to something very sad.  In many cases, you are witness to lives falling apart or people struggling who can not overcome their difficulties.  I remember with Augie's parents, I almost wanted to adopt them and teach them.  There are so many people in place through the system that are attempting to offer help, mentorship, etc.  Ultimately, changing is the decision of the parent and in my limited experience, I have yet to witness such a change.    

Foster care is hard.  Even fostering a newborn, you are fostering a child who was likely neglected in utero.  While I can venture to say most foster kids face major challenges (physically, mentally); Here I can only speak for my personal experience.  Augie's mom was taking medication that likely zapped her folic acid.  As a result, Augie has a minor MINOR form of spina bifida.  As a result, I learned the ins and outs of the children's hospital.  I was by his side as he went under anesthesia on two separate occasions for two separate MRIs.  We had early intervention appointments in our home for a year.

"Catie" (baby love) was born severely drug addicted.  As in the most drug addicted baby the hospital had ever witnessed.  She was in the hospital for the first four months of her life.  She spent the first six months fighting to overcome her forced addiction and still struggles as a result today.  She is not a fan of bottles, teething and little kids trying to hold her.  When she is upset she makes sure the neighborhood knows it.  Overall she is wonderful and I love her desperately.  Because of her I have learned the ins and outs of a second children's hospital and we have resumed weekly therapy sessions for early intervention.

Foster care is hard.  There is no such thing as predictable.  I have said multiple times, the only predictable part of fostering is it is unpredictable.  We fell in love with Catie in May.  She was not available, then she was available.  Then not available, then available.  Over and over and over again.  Her case was SO back and forth it was ridiculous.  She came to live with us officially on August 3rd.  At the end of August we had a two hour court session before a week long wait for a verdict.  I am grateful that the judge ruled that she should remain with us.  After all that, at any time someone else could pop up.  Something in the case could drastically change.  You have to learn to roll with the punches.  I am pretty sure I know the direction this case will go (as with Augie).  I truly feel that God wanted her to be a part of our lives.  For how long, I don't know...but I am optimistic.

BUT, Foster Care is a Blessing!  When I was in the throes of infertility, we were also struggling to get our fiances under control.  We had not met Dave Ramsey soon enough and were battling credit card debt, student loans, home equity loan, etc etc etc.  I had NO idea how we would ever EVER afford adoption.  I remember struggling to wrap my brain around the idea of why I had to have 20k to become a mom.  I didn't get foster care then.  We were afraid of the unknown.  It was all in God's perfect plan for us.  Rosie was meant to be our introduction into parenthood.  All that prepared us for welcoming Augie and Catie via foster care. 

I could go on and on about the blessings.  For so many years I longed for a child.  I cried for a child.  It seemed impossible.  On this side, I see so many children.  I was in the waiting room at children & youth on Tuesday.  I watched as a beautiful little girl (probably about 6) sat nervously with a woman, clearly not mom or foster mom.  I watched as a social worker explained she would need to think of who she wanted to live with.  "I want to live with my mom" she said.  I watched as the social worker explained that "mommy needs to get better and you need to think of what kind of foster family you would like."  Previous to that conversation, we were exchanging smiles as she was watching the adorable baby on my lap (everyone watches my adorable baby).  After seeing that conversation, I literally wanted to jump up, grab her, hug her and tell her I am a foster mom.  I wanted to ask if she wanted to come live with us!  Reality got the best of me.  Timing is SOOOO not right.  I have seen so many beautiful kids and want so much to just love them all. 

I wish I could be the one to start pairing these kids up with my hurting friends.  I know so many fantastic couples/families.  I wish I could just cut through the red tape and start matching.  I would not be the one to honor the expectations of what the waiting couples were looking for.  Instead, I would be knocking on their door with kid adorable, baby needs a home, the little girl who needs a family to stay with.  Becoming a foster mother, I have learned to ask not for what I want but for who needs me the most.

I don't know how but I also trust that God is able to use my experiences to open the door for someone else to try fostering.  I was blessed to follow on the coat tails of one friend.  I hope others will follow on ours.