a dirty little secret about adoption

As I opened this page to start to write...a thought dawned on me.  I have a book (sitting 2' above my head in my new office book shelves) that I need to read.  I just pulled it off the shelf.

Recently a fellow foster adoptive mom blogged about the importance of touch to our children.  She gushed over the fact that she relished sharing hugs and contact with her kids through the day.  Her three oldest are biological, her two youngest are adopted from foster care.  

I have been struggling with being maternal.  It comes naturally with Rosie (my bio).  It is significantly more challenging with Augie & Catie.  Augie seeks out hugs and love and is very touch oriented...so he does actually get plenty of affection.  Catie is the opposite.  

In the bible study I mentioned recently, my resolution for the week was to comfort my children when they fall or get hurt.  I had to force myself to pick up and embrace Catie yesterday after she tripped.  

Many adoptive families have only grown through adoption...so perhaps they don't experience this to the same extent as myself, for example, with bio & adopted kiddos.  While my love does not differ, and while I would truly do anything for any of them...my maternal affections need some help.  

I have shared before that I feel deeply that these differences come from the lack of bonding through birth and being deprived of the ability to nurse them.  I did not have the physical maternal experience with bonding hormones for Augie & Catie.  This is where "love is a choice" comes into the repertoire.  I recognize this is something I need to change.  Sometimes we have to force change along by doing things that are not natural or comfortable.  

I am not sure if the above book has information to this affect.  I am hopeful that I will be able to report back with more insight on the topic after I have processed it (and hopefully lived it) further.  

have you heard about sarah?

In April I shared a bit about my trip to FL.  I was able to get to spend a little time with my long lost BFF.

She has been the youth minister at a huge parish in Melbourne for ions.  She has quite a legacy...but I was privileged to spend a big of time in a private concert from one of her former teens.

Sarah Kroger is rocking her way up the Catholic charts and you must listen!  She has frequented the Steubenville circut in past years and debuted in Rio this past week.

Her #2 album was just released on itunes.  Her #1 is not to be missed either.  Please be tempted to purchase the beautiful music of the lovely Sarah Kroger!


 

my crazy BFF & Sarah

another dear friend

she was so sweet to allow us to worship with her...and then photo bomb her

girls night out, private concert followed by drinks on the beach with some of the best girls around

Quick Take Friday

These have to be really quick.  Catie has OT in 42 minutes!

1. I love love love having a finished (finally) downstairs for our office/play/family space.  Oh what a difference flooring makes to making something finished.

2. Oh my tukas!  Last night I was leaning on an office chair, and kerplunk, knocked the whole thing over.  I am okay, but hit my thigh/tukas.  Glad there is time for this bruise to heal before birth.  Husband reminded me that I am a bit top heavy these days.

3. We have been loving the pool.  Augie, age 3.5 is doing a really nice job at learning to swim (the independent way); while Rosie, almost 6 is learning by example, parents and swim class.  Augie is definitely the fish of the family.

4. Outside.  Heaven.  Our local temps dropped from close to 100 down to 70 in the last two days.  Windows open, kids once again allowed to play outside.  Love it!

5. my name is Elisabeth and I am addicted to the iphone.  It is like crack (disclaimer: i have never done an illegal drug in my life).  The last month I have so not tried to give it up on Wednesdays and Sundays.  The ultimate sacrifice that I can.not.make...but must keep trying.  Oh that I could find the joy in my children instead of trying to avoid them all day. 

6. Every week in the bible study I mentioned in this post, we set a goal, or a step to take for that week.  This past week my anger goal was to count to 10 in an anger situation.  In the video that accompanies the study, Jeff Cavin mentioned a really interesting point.  It takes 1-3 seconds for someone to get riled up with anger, which physiologically changes your body.  It can take 30 minutes for that physiological response to anger to subside.  Oh how I can relate to this!  So my goal it to count to 10 and try to stop the response before it happens.  Yesterday I forgot my goal, had to go back and re-read it.  The fortunate thing is that I have not had a need to use it at all this week.  This week's study is on fear.  For me the whole of the study comes back to the anger issue for me.  So the alternative to negative fear = peace & trust in the Lord.  I am seeking peace...specifically in the home.  More on that later.

7. A crazy thing happened this week.  I mentioned before that my brother in law, Fr K, was taking a 2 week pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago (the Way of St James) in Spain.  They arrived in Santiago de Compostella just in time for the vigil & feast day festivities of St James.  The same day a massive train crash happened in the same town, killing 80 people....and subsequently cancelling all feast day events.  I am so grateful that the tradition is for pilgrims to walk into the town...though I know there were others on that train arriving to the town for the event.  Today, the group is to board the train and ride the opposite direction back to Madrid...flying home on Saturday.  Eternal Rest grant unto the dead.  I am grateful for the protection that was over Fr K & the FOCUS pilgrims that day.

Happy Weekend.

on anger

"It is better not to allow anger, however just and reasonable, to enter at all, than to admit it in ever so slight a degree; once admitted, it will not be easily expelled, for, though at first but a small plant, it will immediately grown into a large tree."  St Augustine

And rooting out a large tree ain't an easy job!

I am working through a bible study by Jeff & Emily Cavins called "Walking Toward Eternity."  Each week is a scripture study on a problem topic.  We have covered "Engaging Your Appetites", "Engaging Your Shame", "Engaging Your Envy", and this is my week, "Engaging Your Anger."

The above quote....providentially from my one of my son's patron saints, reminds me of the beginning of my journey to healing.  I was called scrupulous, encouraged that I was a good mother and made to feel that I was exaggerating the issue.  "Anger is not a bad thing" I was told.

Anger is "an emotion which is not in itself wrong, but which, when it is not controlled by reason or hardens into resentment and hate, becomes one of the seven capital sins.  Christ taught that anger is an offence against the fifth commandment."  Catechism Glossary

I am so grateful that I have entered into this journey of trying to root out the anger I had let grow in my heart.  "Once admitted, it will not be easily expelled."  Boy is that the truth!  It has been 18 months since I started on this journey (starting with a Padre Pio incident) and about 9 months of intense working on chopping down the tree.  Anger still rears it's ugly head more frequently than I care to admit.


This week I came down hard on Catie.  Walking down the hall shortly afterwards, Padre Pio, in a prayer card, was staring back at me from the floor.  I know it was either God or Padre Pio who placed himself in my direct path.

That look of..."ELISABETH" was all I needed.  Confession is on my agenda for this weekend.

Did I mention to you that our baby is due on his feast day?  I think he has adopted me as his spiritual child.  All I ever did was pray a novena.  :-)  Padre Pio is a warrior saint for sinners.  I am humbled and grateful for his attention to my soul.

So tonight I pray though Day 2 of my 4 day anger study that will conclude with Lectio Divina.  Lord, open my heart to receive your words.  

Quick Take Friday (on Sunday)

1. I am dying to get that  pink (hello food coloring) cake out of sight when I open my blog.  Thrilled it's a girl, but that cake...oy...very very pink.

2.  I am loving the adoption stories that flooded my blog and facebook recently.  Adoptions truly can happen in the most miraculous and unexpected ways.  If you are pursuing adoption or feel called to pursue adoption, do not despair!  Even after failed adoptions...God is faithful.  I know that He uses every small detail of our life to lead us in dependence on Him.

3. Nesting.  I love it.  It really took until my 3rd trimester to get my bum peeled off the couch/bed/place of rest...but I am loving the motivation to get rid of crap!  With the addition of #4 I am needing to get serious about the amounts of clothing coming into and going out of this house.  I have been a grateful recipient of hand me downs - but really, this is too.much!!  I pulled out all the clothes to change seasons a few months back.  They are coming down and we are weeding out again.  I know of a mom that only kept 7 seasonal outfits in rotation for her kids, to try to keep this problem at bay.  If I can get down to 10...I think I would be doing good.  Any tips for bin keeping/clothes-clutter clearing is appreciated!

4. I wish I would have/could have foster/adoption nested...my house would be much better off.

5. 2.5 months to go!  Everyone that has asked me "how are you feeling" has gotten the response that I am not as bothered by the heat as I expected.  That answer rang true until we camped in 90 degree heat this weekend.  I am grateful that the AC and my bed have helped my ankles return to normal size.  I feel the baby move all the time and it is a glorious feeling.  I am so truly blessed to experience this again.

6.  Our weekend project involved painstakingly scraping all the paint we applied to our concrete basement floor when we could not decide on/afford the right flooring for the space.  We finally settled on carpet squares for ease of replacement & because we have a hugely uneven lower level.  The space is finally coming together and it is so nice to have something other than dirty painted concrete.

We are 90% done with the space and I hope to share some final pics before too long!

7. 40 minutes to Monday and posting my Friday quick takes.  Story of my life. Good night!