Processing Yesterday and the End of Visits

Today was a beautiful day with Augie.  I could not stop loving on him.  It is almost as if the "loss" of his bio mom allows me to step into the role of his mom even more.  He does not know the loss.  He knows us.  We are home.  But I having been praying for her constantly, trying to imagine the excruciating pain of letting go of your child. 

Yesterday started with coffee.  Paul and I sat down with her and I later learned that the simple act of buying her coffee meant more than we will ever know.  In her world, where gifts are not given and free is everything, she mentioned that to the visit supervisor at least 6 times (as the supervisor later told me).  

Over coffee we discussed her.  We asked how she is doing and we listened.  She discussed the grief, what she imagines is the grief to come, how she will process, etc.  We asked about likes and dislikes; family history; family tree.  We tried to learn about her for Augie's sake.  We offered her a modified family profile so she can learn a little bit more about us (and so she can share it with bio dad).  We gave her a gift, a picture frame with a hand print, foot print and a few recent pictures.  She gave us a letter from bio dad and a gift for Augie.

During this time, Augie was next door at a visit with extended relatives.  We picked him up and captured a beautiful picture of bio mom with Augie.  We said good bye to return again a few hours later for her closing visit.

Paul and I had time to read through a letter from bio dad.  He wrote a beautiful letter with words of thanks for taking care of his son.  The fact that both of them trust us - and signed - means a great deal.  This is not to say we don't face an awkward transition and future in terms of how the relationships will play out, but there letters and words are a good thing.

That said, there were a couple of wishes expressed that we will not honor:
- mom asked that we not cut his hair
- dad asked that we not change his name

Both are examples of  what I refer to regarding awkwardness.  He will be ours, but he will always be theirs (emotionally).  In my head I reconcile this and say "he will always be your SBR."  It is also our intention that they will  not find out about the name change, to the best of our ability. 


After he took a quick nap, I returned with Augie.  An hour early so that his bio dad could say goodbye.  I "supervised" the visit...basically hung out with her for the hour until her normal visit started.  In that time we discussed communication.  I had spent the evening prior agonizing over what to offer.  I know she wanted direct communication, rather than being limited through the agency.  I had decided I was okay with that, to an extent.  Communication is completely up to us.  Paul and I finally agreed that I could offer my cell and email, with the exception that it would be blocked to only allow one way communication when we were ready to contact her.  I explained that I would provide her our information but that it was going to be quiet for a long time.  We needed the time to re-establish our role with Augie.  I tried to reassure her that it is important for us that he knows them and we will try to facilitate that in the future.  We had previously agreed to twice a year updates and a once a year visit over lunch. 

I have spent a good part of this evening second guessing and researching what she could find out about us through the email and phone number.  I have done a little cleaning up online.  I also found fa@ebook profiles for both of his parents and blocked them. These types of boundaries are new to me.  Suddenly privacy issues have gone to a new level.  It is something that I did not think of to the degree I am going to be thinking of in the future. 

After my hour with bio mom, the supervisor showed up and I came home for a break.  When I returned, I was expecting to meet Augie's half sister.  Due to transportation difficulties, she was still 15 minutes away.  I sat outside of the building with bio mom awaiting her arrival.  I am so glad I waited and captured a priceless picture of this sweet little girl holding her brother.  After spending a little time in the cold, it was a quick good bye.  At that point we were all physically and emotionally exhausted.  A quick hug and that was the end.

Today was absolutely a new day.  It just felt different all around.  Another hurdle jumped in the road to adoption.  Today I held him more, kissed him more and stared at him.  Though a bond has been forming slowly, it was as if a cord was cut that allowed that bond to increase dramatically.  The miracle that he is has begun to sink in.  The greatness of the gift of a single beautiful child has been emphasized in my mind.  Oh how long it took Rosie to come into our lives.  How long we have prayed to be parents.  To think of the journey until now and the GIFT of Augie.  He is miraculous, beautiful, adorable, wonderful...and....another step closer to being ours.