cautiously contemplating home schooling

In my college years I was fortunate to be surrounded by solid Catholic families.  These families mentored me in Catholic family life.  They were also my first exposure to home schooling.

When I met Paul, he was a big fan of the idea of home schooling.  I was open to the idea.  The idea of home schooling is one thing.  The reality of it...quite another.

This past year I have received a few books from my wish list: 
The Well Trained Mind
Catholic Homeschool Companion
Catholic Education: Homeward Bound

The Well Trained Mind paints a beautiful vision of homeschooling.  In the ideal world we would all be classically educated.  This book terrified me.  I did take away encouraging H to draw her circles counter clock-wise as a pre-writting skill, but not too much more than that quite yet.

The Catholic Homeschool Companion is a wealth of resources.  I am not quite ready for deciding on a curriculum.

Right now I am reading Homeward Bound.  I am grateful for the simplicity of this book.  It advises that instead of asking whether we will home school, we should be asking whether we will continue to home school.  It also discusses the tutoring approach to home schooling.  This speaks to me.  In college I hired a tutor to help me understand biology.  I was so grateful for the one on one approach that I received for the first time in my life.  It is easy for me to understand how one could excel through tutoring. The other piece that appeals to me is the non-rushed approach.  Getting out of the house can be a flurry of activity, we are often rushing out the door.  I like the idea of not rushing and am a big fan of the idea of simplicity. 

I am a long way from decision making.  The biggest hurdle for me to overcome is myself.  I am interested in the idea and am on the hunt for homeschooling blogs & resources that inspire.  That said, we also had plans today to tour our local parish preschool.  Due to the ice, school was canceled...we are home.  :)

March for Life

My Heart Exults mentioned she was attending her first March for Life this year. I am so blessed to live within a relatively easy drive of DC. I take it for granted. We are hoping to attend and have not yet decided whether we are driving or joining a bus trip (if there is still room).

I am pretty new to the fabulous blogging community and wondering if anyone else is going??

I have to admit I am a bit of a crazed socialite at the March for Life. When I worked for Priests for Life it was my job to attend them. How cool is that? Our staff would go with a big plan to cover all of DC in the days or week leading up to the March. I would be involved with students for life conferences, youth rallies, the vendor display...and then hanging out at the Dubliner (where I first learned to love a Black Velvet). When I moved to PA and ran the youth group, I started leading bus trips. We would always hit the Verizon Center at 7am and, beside leading the trip, my day was spent fluttering around finding old friends. I love the March for Life!

In the last couple years, I have been less connected with my pro-life activist roots. I drive by Banned Paren7hood on a regular basis but I have not counseled in years. SBR and H have only been with me once to pray. I have gone to from working for the pro-life movement to youth ministry to Creighton teacher. I realize teaching NFP is a pro-life ministry. But I miss the passion. There is no cause greater than abortion. I could go on and on here.

In our local news, and national news a doctor was just arrested for murdering 7 live born babies. Of course, there is no discussion about the fact that the babies were "this close" (head in uterus) to being perfectly legal to kill in the same fashion. Wow. I really have to control myself or this is about to be a novel.

So...while I adore going to the March for Life and seeing old (and new) friends - there is one very specific reason I go (and now drag the family along). For someone that has never Marched, it is truly a very powerful experience. MHE, I am so glad you are making the trip. For all the long time marchers, remember. For all those that can't attend, pray.

Immaculate Conception Cookies/ Jesse Tree

As H is getting older, I am trying to incorporate some new traditions. I have always been interested in those that celebrate feast days with special food or snacks. Today, is my first recorded attempt at this. Thank you to Catholic Cuisine for the ideas.

For Marian feast days, it seems the theme is to do white food, for purity, such as cauliflower soup, white crackers, etc. Or things that incorporate the color which we use to represent Mary...blue. I was looking for a snack, so I adapted the recipe for these Peanut Butter Bees and just decorated them with blue accents. My first attempt was to do a blue veil. That didn't turn out as well as I hoped, so I ended up just dipping half the cookie and decorating the other half with chocolate.

So, here is my modified no-bake Immaculate Conception Cookie Recipe (makes about 10-12)

2TB butter, softened
1/2 C smooth peanut butter
1/2 C powdered sugar
3/4 C graham crackers crumbs
1/4 C honey
1/2 C coconut
blue food coloring
1/4 C melted chocolate chips for decorating

Mix butter, pb, and powdered sugar in a mixing bowl until blended. Add graham crumbs and blend. Roll into eggs and put in the freezer for at least 15 minutes.

Mix coconut in a baggie with blue food coloring. Put honey in a dipping bowl. Dip the pb eggs into the honey, then coat with blue coconut. Melt chips in a bag for 1 minute, cut off the tip and decorate. Enjoy! Store leftovers in the freezer.

Our parish school has Sisters of the Immaculate Heart. Today, they renewed their vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. H loves to see veiled sisters and calls them all Mary. During Mass H commented "look at all the Mary's!"

And...finally, we are doing a Jesse Tree for the first year. I clipped a branch from our evergreen, sectioned it and put it in a vase. Added a few lights and we are now having so much fun with our Jesse tree scipture reading and ornament making every day.

Milestones

Our sweet baby boy has taken his first steps! Like any other parent, I captured it on film and am dying to show them off. It is so difficult to keep from sharing all the adorable pictures and milestones. I have this vision of making a video for adoption day and catching everyone up with pictures.

In just three weeks, he will be celebrating his first birthday (we will be having a "Gymboree Style" party in two). It was a bit interesting composing the invitation. I ended up with "Our Darling Son is Turning One" and leaving out a name altogether. In this in between time, he is becoming less of an "SBR". On video and in his baby book, I try to limit my writing of his given name, though his name does appear frequently in both. This is who he is right now. Maybe I just need a better nickname??

H is super excited about the birthday party. I think she is still holding out hope it will actually be a party for her. She talks about it all the time. I feel so bad for the baby...I rarely get a picture or video of him without her jumping in front of the camera and begging me to film her instead. For the first steps, I had to sequester her to her room...even still, the video is full of "MAMA DO YOU WANT SOME COFFEE??" as she is shouting in the background.

Over the last month or two SBR's bio dad has composed several letters to be read to his son. They are really sweet...and they tear at my heart. Dad clearly has not let go (again...we are thinking this will be an involuntary termination of rights) and talks about being together as a family, etc. It is in these instances I realize how different this process is from a traditional adoption. Even though birth parents most always long for their child....they are willingly giving them up. It adds an extra dimension to process when that is not the case. I am not sure exactly what to do with these letters. One may go in his baby book, but we are now considering a memento box to keep the rest tucked away. The last one especially....I have a hard time thinking of giving to him. I am so glad he has bio parents who love him so much. I really imagine it would be harder (eventually) if that was not the case. But, figuring out where we all fit together is the challenge.

We are traveling to VA for Thanksgiving (6 hrs) and so thrilled to spend the holiday with family and new babies we have not yet met. For Christmas we are driving to FL (20+ hours). It will be a crazy season of traveling. I am sure I will have some stories to tell.

God bless everyone reading and may you have a wonderful blessed Thanksgiving!!

Miss Mischief

So seriously...I could have never thought up this child in my wildest dreams...she challenges me in so many ways! This is round 2. Round 1 happened last Sunday. It took me three days to attempt to work the dry erase marker out of her carpet. We got it off the walls, her body, mostly off her clothes...it came off the wood floor the easiest. My show of parenting following that incident was not pretty. I am not grace under fire. Following the..."execution"...my husband wanted to have a discussion with me. It was that bad.

Round 2. Prepared better. THANK GOODNESS Paul and I had an "airing out our grievances" session earlier in the day. That allowed me to be in the right frame of mind to open the door and find this after such a wonderfully quiet "nap time." Also, thank goodness I had just returned from the store with more Magic Erasers. But long story short, parenting under fire is not my gift.

Child #1 - this photo just about sums her up. Oh, and she can be VERY loud.

Child #2 - thank GOD he sent us her opposite! SO much more laid back!

After H's birth, I remember immediately wanting to start gestating the next one. But God spaces kids for a reason. I still want a "big" family -which, for me, is now defined at 4 kids. I know that there is probably a very good explanation why God sent us H. I think of her as my wake up call to the thousand romantic notions I had about parenting.

On this Night

On this night, three years ago, I was preparing to meet the little person who ended the most difficult four years of my life.

Hundreds of prayers, millions of tears, pain and recovery from 3 surgeries, endless vials of blood...given up for her. I was in hopelessness, on the verge of despair. We had given up trying. And then, she came. Sacrificial love. Answered prayers.

I remember, after finding out we were pregnant, telling a priest who had prayed for us year after year. We found out as he was ending yet another novena on our behalf. He was SO excited for us and told us that our pregnancy, an answer to HIS prayers, was a profound moment of restored faith for him. :'-) It was restored faith for us as well.

In thinking of all those I have "met" online recently or know in real life...still waiting to be blessed, all I can say is hang in there! The pain and suffering of infertility is like nothing else. Every month, to realize your body has failed, yet again. The feeling of prayers unanswered....questioning God, screaming at him.

I gave up believing I would be so blessed to conceive and carry a child in my womb.

On this night, we had just arrived at the birth center. We were excited, nervous, breathing. Anxious to discover our child. To meet, this person. The one whom my husband danced to the sound of her heartbeat, who made us cry to see her squirm onscreen or feel her under my heart. This person, who we longed for, begged for.

I was so nervous that we would have to have a c-section, years of infertility prepare you for the worst. But, my body and my baby followed protocol. Within a few hours of arriving at the birth center, already 4 cm dilated, I was feeling the pain entering into transition. Some how I stumbled to the bathtub and hung on to the bar for dear life. Some how, I stumbled back out of the bathtub. Somewhere around 2am I began to push. Push with strength that only comes at a moment like this. At 2:21am Hannah Rose exited my womb and landed in her papa's hands, and changed our lives forever.

After 4 hours, we brought her home. Heaven touches earth. We are so eternally grateful and always praising God for His amazing gift.





Happy Birthday Angel!!

watching supernanny

Recently, our daughter has left the "terrible twos" and very poignantly stomped into the torrential threes. Mind you, I am writing this on what began as our infertility blog. I am SOOO grateful to have her. 80% of the time we adore her and can just watch with awe and amazement what God has brought into our lives. The other 20% of the time (maybe just a bit more :) are quite challenging.

Before kids we used to watch Supernanny quite a bit. That was helpful when we started the adoption process and had to write up our plans for discipline. Supernanny was all we really knew, apart from the discipline with which we were each raised. We were both spanked. I don't think either of us were out and out against spanking - but with both home studies, we were encouraged to use non-physical forms of discipline. I feel like time outs are a much better form of parent anger management. Following through with the steps takes more effort and attention than spanking, while encouraging a calm firmness.

Lately, DH & I have both slipped - in follow through and effectiveness. Over the last month I have said multiple times "we need supernanny!" Regarding child rearing, my father has said "it is the parent's job to create the box (the boundries) for the child. It is the child's job to push on the box." Recently, I feel H has steem rolled our box. SO, time to regroup, watch a few episodes of supernanny, dust off The Discipline Book by Dr Sears and come up with a game plan for "the threes". We need a new box!

Tonight I watched The Mann Family episode on hulu. It goes over the time out technique and the sleep technique. We definitely need a refresher on time outs and it is time to kick in the sleep technique. I told my husband that I am really just adding this blog for him so that we can get back on the same page. Child rearing is by far the most challenging job one could ever have....and I am so grateful for it.

Traveling Sleeper

H has been in a big girl bed for about 2 months now. She has been potty trained for well over a year. I tried, a few weeks back, to convince her that when she needed to use the potty, to just get up and go. While this "freedom" has not yet resulted in her leaving her bed to arrive at the potty, she has arrived (and passed out) in a number of new locations. While this may not be Supernanny approved, I don't mind too much...yet. My only complaint is the rush of fear when I go to kiss her in her bed and she is not there. OR, walking into the living room (tonight) and seeing a body on the couch. Her favorite place to land is my side of the bed - and if I try to share, she will fight me for that space.

I do believe this is someone connected from our co-sleeping past (the first year). Perhaps soon we will look up some old Supernanny clips for help...but for now, we enjoy her antics - even the sleep'capades.

Update to add more pictures...an hour after I posted this, I moved her to her bed and went back to chat with my husband. She relocated herself to my bed. Will try again soon to move her back so I can sleep in my bed.

My Stock Photo Baby

Being new to blog-networking, I thought I would share an old photo. I know many blogger girls are in NaPro care. If you ever see this photo of Dr Hilgers with baby...she is mine! This is my NaPro miracle. She can be found at the top of Dr Hilger's blog as well as recent PPVI mailings.

mama bliss

Last night was a moment of mama bliss. It was my birthday. After dinner at my favorite restaurant and my annual whoppie pie cake, I was actually thoroughly enjoying putting the kids to bed. H loves for us to lay with her and is famous for saying "mamma will you lay wiss me?". SBR was having difficulty getting settled so I moved him over to the big girl bed, cuddling him on one side and her on the other. H kept pulling my face over to her just to make sure she was getting sufficient snuggling. It was a gift to be needed and shared by my kids and just lay there with them feeling the love.

After 5 years of primary infertility and now 2 plus of secondary infertility, I consider it a gift beyond all belief to have experienced that moment.

Yesterday morning we did have another social worker visit. She discussed much more at length what will happen when they "pass the case" this fall. Translation: when they change the goal to adoption SBR will get a new social worker to coordinate termination and adoption. I later asked Paul how he felt about the discussion. His comments were "she feels this is heading towards adoption, but for me, nothing has changed." She also talked briefly about what point we would want to start thinking of names, etc. Bottom line, we are not there yet. As of today SBR has been in our care for 4 months. At 6 months in our care the case CAN be passed. There are still a great deal of things that can happen (bio family get's it together, kinship family work out, bio parents refuse to sign termination and he remains in our care for another year or more without imminent adoption) OR this could go through smoothly and we adopt by the end of the year.

For now...we just keep loving on this little boy.

Wedding Weekend

This weekend was my brother's wedding and we had a wonderful time. H was so grown up and so cute marching around with her purse (from aunt meagan) and her sunglasses and hair done. She did exceptionally well...except for the actual wedding. I spent most of the wedding trying to figure out the appropriate time for momma (a bridesmaid) to take the flower girl to the back to calm her down. In the end, we waited it out. Everyone loved meeting "SBR" and we get so many comments on what a great, laid back baby he is. Thanks be to God! I am so grateful we got a foster son with the personality of a number two. He IS great and it was so nice to be able to introduce him to everyone.

The night ended with the reception and the funniest moment was when someone suggested to H her basket would make a nice hat. She took her flowers right out of the basket, put it on her head and walked out into her introduction like the crazy kid she is.

inch by inch

"Cousin Love"

My parents were in town this weekend. We were able to spend Father's day with my parents and my Sister in law's family. It was wonderful for our daughter and foster son to get some cousin time. H is 2 years older than her cousin and SBR is 3 months younger. Not living close to my nephew it was sheer joy getting to see how much he has grown. He looks so much like my brother and makes the funniest grunting/laugh sounds. H had so much fun pushing her cousin on the swing and my sister in law overheard H say "he's my boy."

Meanwhile, SBR has won over my family. I am sure they are in love. We are going to my brother's wedding this weekend. SBR is coming along as family, of course. Apart from a baptism, this will be the first big event where we are introducing him. I know he will win everyone's hearts with the killer smile that he uses all the time. I was wondering what questions I may get this weekend. On quick reflection, I have actually already fielded questions such as "how on earth could you ever do that?" and heard numerous foster care horror stories. But so far our extended family is awesome and supportive about this.

And just a post script, every day he makes his way just a little deeper in my heart. Right now I would say we have a love love relationship...it helps when he is sleeping through the night! At one point I spent a few hours day dreaming about possible names, but I had to stop and decided to try not to be adoption minded until the courts are clearly adoption minded. Our next court date is in October and I know the next 4 months will reveal a LOT.

"Is he adopted?"

Tonight we went to a kid's picnic at our parish. The daughter of a friend came up as I was holding our chunk and asked "is he adopted?" I put her off because we were about the pray grace and she wondered off sparing me from explaining. How do you explain fostering to a child?

I love this little kid. That said...he is teething right now. My husband reminds me we had these very same frustrations with H. It is difficult to love any child when you have been up all night four nights in a row. Yet, I can't deny how totally different it is from #1 (biological) to #2 (foster). We meet his needs, feed him like crazy, burp, clean diapers, and on and on. We love on him, cuddle, snuggle and play. The biggest difference is perhaps that we are not doing attachment parenting with "SBR". I always forget to bring my slings out, I have never felt co-sleeping was an option for us (whereas it was the natural development with H); And it is much easier to pass him to a stranger for babysitting - because there are no b--bs involved. Yet, I am still more of his mama than his mama is. We would 1000 percent be elated for the opportunity to keep him forever. I think everything else just boils down to being guarded.

This week was the first week that I felt a "look" from him when I passed him off at his parent visit. He has the sweetest eyes - which happen to be a little bit clogged and therefore a little bit moist...all the time. I know we have A bond. I just always question - how much, and wonder if it is enough. Before too long he will start to reach for me, as mama. It feels like a long way off until October (our next court date). But the days go fast enough. So we just wait. And hope that the next time I get that question, "is he adopted?" I can simply say "yes!"

Caring for another's child

Tonight, as I was putting my sweet girl to bed I looked at her and said "YOU came from me. I can't believe you came from me." She told me, as she understands, she came from my belly, but her brother came from another mamma's belly.

Yes, my love. You are so smart!

I adore our foster son. He has a smile and a laugh that can brighten the darkest day. He has such a special place in our lives, in our home. Yet, for now, he remains the child of another. In the hard times, this is most difficult. I fear I give less when it gets tough. Then I have to remember, every mother with a number 1 probably gives less to number 2 - simply because number 1 still needs.

Am I attached? I don't know. I think God has given me a special grace to love and care for this sweet boy - without complete attachment. I fear not having that complete attachment...but if it is meant to be, it will come, I am sure.

We had a foster appreciation banquet tonight. I had another mom that is not in a position to adopt tell me how lucky I am that we can do that. She is facing giving up the infant they have raised for 6 months. Lucky. My hands are full when I leave the house (even on the third time out the door). My daughter has a "brudder", whom she adores. My husband has a son. I have a son. For how long? Will I be "lucky" a year from now? I can only dream that God has led us right here for this reason. That one day I will explain to our child, you came from another mamma's womb, but you have been in my heart forever.

On Fostering

It has been almost two months since we began fostering. If you ask me now my response is "what a gift!" We love this little boy. We love being mamma and papa and H proudly declares every day "I'm a BIG sister." God has given us the gift and responsibility to care for this precious little boy. His smiles and sweet talk are all that we need to know he is where he needs to be right now.

I have decided that it is to my advantage to be the one to drop him off for his weekly parent visits. Seeing them and their interactions is a tremendous help in keeping perspective on my role as foster parent. "The goal of fostering is reunification, the goal of fostering is reunification, the goal of fostering is reunification..."

At the same time I have his social worker keeping me posted about the status of things. It is pretty much the same report "his parents have a long way to go." From where we stand now we are looking at 8 months before the county would start discussion on termination of rights. This is actually shorter than our original time line of 15 months after placement. The social workers keep things in check for me. They are like the translators. I say "I heard blah blah blah" and they translate back "the reality is blah blah blah."

The reality is he will be here for a good bit of his first year. Two months in...I think I could send him home and know I did a good thing. Ask me the same question in 8 months....I don't know.

I have also met so many foster families who have grown their families though fostering. The county allows up to 6 children in a home at one time and so many foster families are "generous with children." Big hearts equal big families in the foster world. I met a woman in the elevator the other day with a 15 month old whom she is adopting and a BRAND newborn that was just placed with them. Another foster mom I see regularly is in the process of adopting her fourth.

From the financial side...this is amazing. I always always struggled with the question "why do I have to have 10, 20, 30K in the bank to become a parent?" When we talked about growing our family, we were committed to not incurring debt in the process. And...miraculously, we managed to become debt free not long after H was born. When the question is "why do I have to have so much $$$ in the bank to become a parent" - the answer is FOSTER! We receive a stipend for mileage for visits & doctor appointments, a daily stipend, clothing stipend (at placement). He is on medical assistance (state health care) and receives WIC to cover the cost of formula.

Fostering IS difficult. But it IS rewarding. I foresee us being foster parents for a while and pray this is the way God will allow us to grow the family we have always longed for.

For now, this is a complete blessing in our lives. I have a smiling baby in the swing next to me so excited to be awake at 9:30pm. Watching him grow, giving him kisses and snuggles, watching my daughter read him books and teach him to pray...we are blessed to be parents to this sweet sweet baby.

My Beautiful, Wonderful, CRAZY miracle

Here is a video of the most wonderful, crazy child that God could ever give us (so far :)

Happy Birthday Baby!!

It is so hard to believe our beautiful girl is two. I read her birth story the other night at dinner. Sniff Sniff. She has grown so fast!

Summer Fun

Here are a few pictures of our summer fun - just in time for Fall!
I tried hard and long, but still can't get the captions to work out.

1. Pool time with Papa and Uncle Keith
2. A sprinkler playdate
3 & 4 - Backyard fun with cousin K
5. Potty training together with cousin G
6. Puzzels with god-sister C
7. My big girl who still thinks she can take a bath in the sink. :)

Is anyone still reading?? :)

I am sorry my blogging has slowed down quite dramatically. As H grows (and no thanks to face book) my updates have been very infrequent.

So here is an update:
H is a big girl in training! She has been using her little potty quite successfully for the last two weeks. We started by eliminating pants and diapers a few weeks ago (a benefit of having hardwood floors). She figured it out pretty quickly and especially loves her m&m reward. We have started to incorporate big girl panties and pull ups...and the last couple days she is doing really well staying dry! I love the decrease in diaper laundry. It is great!

In the pursuit of #2....we have surgery scheduled in two weeks. This will be my 4th (but 1st in round 2). Secondary infertility stinks. I was amazed how fast all the infertility feelings flooded back. BUT, having H in our lives is an INCREDIBLE blessing. While I go up and down on the IF roller coaster (again) knowing we have H makes everything a little bit easier.

St Gerard, St Gianna, John Paul II - pray for us!

Camping in Deleware

Paul's request for Father's day was to go camping in Deleware. We went to Cape Henlopen....a wonderful place. I only managed to get about 10 minutes of good beach time (when we first arrived) but we still had a great time. The taste of yummy blue crabs still lingers!