overcoming anger {day 30} therapy

I had a conversation on Friday with a Catholic therapist that was recommended to me by a girlfriend.

He is long distance and he totally speaks my language.  He used words like "Chrisian anthropology" and "true femininity".  I used words like "my goal is to get out of therapy as fast as possible".  It sounds like he is in support of that.  We are going to be having an intake double session via skype soon. 

(posted in advance while we still have power.  it is flickering)

overcoming anger {days 28 & 29} anger is like a hurricane

Behind schedule in posting because we have been busy preparing for Hurricane Sandy.  Early models showed the eye going right over our town.  Now, quite a few hours into the storm, I have no idea where she is...but, the storm has just picked up a bit.  We were expecting the biggest part of her tonight over us.  Thanks for any prayers. 

Our electric is blinking...so this may be my last post for a bit (unless i cell phone it).  

Saturday I attended a training on RAD (reactive attachment disorder).  Catie is most definitely at risk.  But, so far, no signs of not attaching, so that was a big sigh of relief.

I have not had much time to reflect on the topic.  The most I got however, was that anger is like a hurricane.  I am just going to leave it at that. 

Good night!

overcoming anger {day 27} physical discipline

Within about 30 hours I will have: 

Attended a training on Alternatives to Physical Discipline

Spoken for the first time and scheduled my first appointment with a counselor
Attended a training on Reactive Attachment Disorder

(and attended a foster parent family night). 

Busy day & a half! 

Since, as of this writing  I have not attended the RAD workshop, I am going to focus on the first workshop.  

I signed up for this a month ago because I need to complete 12 training hours to keep my foster parent license active.  I was, of course, interested in the topic.  When I found out some foster parents would be required to attend, I was a bit worried.  The session was better than expected.  

It was set up in a bit of a round table format.  Instead of being lectured to, the majority of the session involved learning from one another's experiences.  Instead of the session being conducted by a 22 year old case worker who has never parented, it was conducted by two long-time veteran foster parents with about 50 years of parenting (and a zillion kids) between them. 

The take home lesson for me was abusers are not always bad people.  Most of the time a child abuser is a relatively normal person who snaps under pressure.  This is excluding sexual abuse and relates to instances of severe physical abuse.  

One foster mom discussed two kids she had.  One was burned on the back with an iron.  One was thrown, resulting in numerous skull fractures.  Both situations involved one instance of severe abuse and in both cases the mother lost her child.  Obviously, because of the snap, the women's lives will never ever ever be the same again. 

A little more than a month ago I had reached a breaking point with Catie.  She was screaming for an hour or more, instead of napping.  Obviously, she was not going to stop screaming without me.  I did not want to go in and get her.  As I sat outside her room, my anger was only escalating.  I did not see how this situation was going to end good.  This was my breaking point.  My husband came home, I asked him to come into the room, we cleared the children and had a mini intervention.  I contemplated my future on my current course.  Injured child?  Jail?  Loosing my kids?  I am in CYS world, I know what happens.  

That was the moment that led me to this series.  

In our session today we did an activity where we all started with a balloon.  As the veteran foster mom labelled stressors that we may have faced we added air to our balloons.  As we looked at our full balloons, she challenged us to remember the stressors were not entirely our children.  As she listed some possibilities to take the air out of our balloons (exercise, prayer, doing something for yourself, etc) not many of us lost air.  

Finally, a resource that we all brought home was a little book called "Think Twice: The Medical Effects of Physical Punishment."  

For other parents who struggle with the topic of physical discipline, it may be a book worth buying off Amazon.  

Flipping through the pages it makes my heart sick.  "Abusers are not bad people.  They are normal people that snap under pressure."

overcoming anger {day 26} on grace

Emily said it better
http://www.chattingatthesky.com/2010/10/22/31-days-of-grace-day-22-in-parenting/

overcoming anger {day 25} on adoption

So today I want to share a question purposed by the priest in confession two weeks ago.  When he asked, I recoiled.  I did not want to blog about it because I was embarrassed he would even ask such a thing. 

The question: "Are you angry with God for giving you a child with issues?"  "Do you think that if that child was biological, they would have been perfect?" 

When this was asked, nothing about the statement struck me as truth. 
1. I did not feel angry at God.
2. (recited to myself) "I love all my children and there is no difference between them!"

Rosie, my 5 year old biological daughter, has excelled through her developmental milestones.  She is  the greatest joy and a beautiful, incredible miracle. 

Augie is approaching 3.  Catie is approaching 2.  Both are adopted from foster care.  Augie has speech delays, oral stimulation issues, chiari 1 malformation and possibly something else.  He was clinically diagnosed with Williams Syndrome and we are still trying to figure out if he actually has this genetic condition.  Catie was born drug addicted.  She has struggled with feeding issues, feeding tubes, gross motor development, temperament and now eye issues. 

Augie & Catie both receive early intervention (speech, ot, pt) and have been highly involved with doctors and specialists their entire little lives. 

Am I angry with God for giving me a child with issues?

This is a heavy question.  I love all my children desperately and I do not want to live my life without a single one of them. 

Do I feel the same towards my biological child as I do towards my adopted children?

Heavier question. 

I have spent a good amount of time wrestling with the facts.  I did not get to nurse or co sleep with my adopted children.  As a result we turned to cry it out, because I could not comfort them in the same way I naturally comforted my daughter.  Was there early bonding differences?  Absolutely.  Bonding with a foster child takes time.  It is often an arduous process while you are wondering if you can let your heart go there. 

We have an open relationship with Augie's parents.  I hear from her regularly.  My heart is constantly wrestling with the fact that there is another mother out there.  Another father who loves him.  He is mine.  But not quite entirely. 

I am sure I will be dealing with this with Catie before long. 

God has chosen me to be mama to these two special people.  I am so thankful.  I can not imagine a quiet life without them.  I am SO SO SO grateful Rosie gets to be a big sister.  She is an incredible big sister. 

I can not answer the question, but it challenges my heart. 

Adoption would not exist without sin. 

To some degree or another this is all about dealing with the sucky brokenness of our world.  I wish my children were not broken.  I wish my children were all biologically mine. 

Our God is a God of Redemption.  Out of the ashes we rise.  He has given me an incredible mission.  To redeem my children*.  That is my purpose.

* Theologically....I know it is God that is redeeming them.  But when I look up the definition of redemption, it is beautiful.  I am rescuing them and I am claiming them.  I am giving them to God to do the rest.

~~~~~~~~
miracle alert: Yesterday I was talking about PMS knocking on my door. Today my period arrived. What??? Woah?? This evening I asked my husband, "did you notice my pms?" "No." And I am certain my children did not notice. For me, this is huge!

overcoming anger {day 24} use kind words

Today, in discussing house rules with my kids....we talked about no hitting, no spitting, etc etc.  And then we talked about speaking in kindness.  Well, what good am I unless those rules apply to me too? 

No hitting.

I am doing pretty good.  We are doing pretty good.  Significantly better.  That said, PMS is knocking on my door.  I feel it creeping up.  The anxiety building.  But, yesterday I had the same stressful situation happen and the outcome was different.  Something is happening.  Change is happening in me. 

The change I still need to make is to use kind words.  The threats are still there.  "Do you need a spanking?"  "Do you need me to spanka ya hiney?"  No matter how cute the delivery or the response "no!  no spanka my hiney!" the threat is still there.  The anger is still looming.  "I just want to tape her mouth shut!" I said after a full day of being followed by a one year chanting "Dink?"  "dink!"  "apple juice!" 

Parenthood is challenging. 

It is the thing that breaks you. 

I am broken.  But I am blessed. 

Faith is carrying me over these painful rocks.  Jesus created me to be good.  To love well.  He burned this desire into my heart from the earliest age.  I see my own 5 year old daughter and imagine it is like listening to what I must have been like.   She is constantly talking about having a baby in her belly.  I wanted to be a mama as long as I can remember. 

These are his children. 

All of them. 

I need to stop seeing them as mine and look at them as His.  If Jesus was sitting in the room with me, what kind of parent would I be?  Well...He is sitting in the room with me.  He is here.

This is the Year of Faith.  I am planning a retreat for Advent for women and the topic will be on "Bringing the Year of Faith Home". 

Jesus.  Let me start by bringing you home.  Back into my home.  Please help me see my precious children through your eyes.  To love them with your love.  Jesus, I trust in you!

overcoming anger {day 23} take courage

                                  love, God

overcoming anger {day 22} what supernanny taught me

Start with super duper overwhelmed stay at home mom - check
add three little kids - check
add tantrums - check
add poorly executed discipline - check
insert feeding issues, gagging, etc - check
insert stressed out dad - check
mom who is left feeling purposeless - check

I choose the episode because it fairly accurately mirrored our current life situation. 

Lessons that I learned from this episode:
1. Start with a schedule.  We have utilized this several times in the past.  It is time to give it a go again.  The schedule can help realize blocks of time that are otherwise wasted by running around being overwhelmed.  It can also be an important tool to keep the family running.  If your son misses his nap, so be it!  Don't turn into the "you-must-take-a-nap-nazi" (guilty) and ruin the rest of the day for a nap that may never happen.

2. Poorly executed discipline does not count for discipline.  Consistency in following the steps properly is key.  I needed the review.
step 1 - at child's eye level give a warning in a firm voice
step 2 - take the child to the naughty spot and explain (to their face) why you are putting them there
step 3 - walk away - 1 min of time out per year
step 4 - return and explain (to their face) why they were in time out
step 5 - child apologizes, hugs and kisses

3. Feeding issues has become a big deal for us lately.  I needed to watch Jo's technique in this clip.  We actually got Augie to swallow a large mouth full of pocketed food tonight...a near impossible accomplishment.  Eat or time out.  Poor parenting at the dinner table can lead to impossibly picky eaters. We need to nip this one in the bud!

4. Dad time.  I loved the "brother's box" idea in this episode.  When dad comes home, he sits down with the kids and they choose an activity from the box.  It gives everyone much needed together time (or for mom's part, separation time).  I think we are definitely going to have to do this.  We, the women, tend to be the creative thinkers.  It is helpful to have a routine that involves dad playing with the kids. 

5.  Mom without purpose.  No matter how many inspiring quotes I read...
A mother is the most important person on earth. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any Cathedral -- a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby's body. -- Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty
...I still feel drained, under appreciated and without significant purpose. 

I am still connected to somethings I feel very passionate about.  Mainly, right now, my work as a Fertility Care Practitioner and NFP promoter.  I am grateful for a husband who is supportive in this endeavor.  My appointments and the work I do in the Diocese recharge my passions.  I am so grateful for this. 

The second take on this is mom without "me" time.  Exercise.  It is coming, I promise.  I may not actually blog about this until day 31, but exercise is wonderful me time (that I need to take significantly more than I do). 

Supernanny has been on my heart and in the back of my mind for years.  So thanks blog world for being my road back home. 

overcoming anger {day 21} watch supernanny

If you are like me....
You have been telling yourself you need to watch Supernanny again.

Day 21.  Watch an episode of Supernanny.  Go to Youtube and watch more as needed.

It will
1. Help you realize you are doing okay
2. Inspire you to do better

overcoming anger {day 20} lower your expectations

I have been convicted before.  So often the root problem in parenting is not the behavior of the children, it is the expectation of the parents.

I remember when Rosie was two.  We were having sleep issues.  I happened to be attending a conference where Dr Popcak was speaking.  I don't recall how I ended up in a mini-session with him...therapists must be good at that....but he ended up challenging my expectations.  He encouraged me to think beyond the surface to understand her behaviors. Those 3 minutes were so important.

Suddenly that huge issue was not so huge.  When I understood the behavior was related to an insecurity and I could help her through the insecurity, the behavior began to change.

In the last year I have been telling many I am "surviving" parenthood.  Once upon a time I read parenting books.  With three little ones, I just do.  I just "survive."  When I started this series this idea of expectations came to mind.  In confession, the priest challenged me again about my expectations.

Much of my parenting anger could potentially be resolved by expecting, anticipating or understanding "bad" behavior of my 1 and 2 year olds.

How to go about this is the challenge.

I just downloaded the app for Ave Maria radio and will try to start podcasting.  Dr Popcak and his wife start at 12pm EST.  Dr Ray Guarendi and Colleen Mast discuss parenting topics at 1pm EST.  I am hoping to try to catch a couple of these a week...or even one a week as a personal parenting challenge.

I am praying to find the right resource to connect with.  The right book?  The right author?  The right podcast?  The right anything.

Dave Ramsey has helped my husband and I tremendously in our financial life.  Hopefully someone will click with us as parents.

overcoming anger {day 19} quick takes edition

1.  This is a month filled with grace (retreat, anniversary trip, among other things).  But don't let me fool you. This issue has not magically resolved for me.  I need to be reading and re-reading my own posts and hold my self to to challenges I am setting forth.

2. In the "among other things" category listed above, there is a training next week for Alternatives to Physical Discipline.  I signed up primarily because I need training hours and secondarily because of the topic.  I did not know I would be in the middle of this series when I signed up.  I will be sitting among foster parents who are required to attend because they have used physical discipline on a foster child.  Humbling myself, yet again, to be attending this training among those who have been "called out."

Now on the the fun.  Dedicating the rest of my quick takes to NY Wine Country, aka the Finger Lakes.

“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.” 

G.K. Chesterton, Heretics 

Canandaigua

3. We started on Canandaigua.  Our bed and breakfast was beyond fabulous.  This was the first time we had ever B&B'd and the Inn on the Main set the bar very high!

our private sitting room

Some to-die-for french toast dish.  The woman next to me
kept chanting it would be so rude not to eat it. 

 4. For our anniversary dinner I surprised Paul with a 2 1/2 hour cooking class at the New York Wine and Culinary Center.  So. Much. Fun!  He said it took him about 30 minutes to get over the fact he had to cook his own fancy food - but confessed how much he enjoyed it.  Walking in and out of class to refil wine as needed was an extra plus.  Take away lesson from our class "Hot Pan, Cold Oil".  Also, it set us off on our wine trail search with the added mission of finding great cheese.  The cheddar we used in our potato dish was so so good!

5. The wine trails were so much fun.  We started with the recommendations of friends.  By the end of day 1 we almost had two cases!!  Bully Hill for lunch is a must-do.  Our favorite wines by far were Dr Frank.  Pity they don't sell to our state.  We may just have to make this a regular trip.  ;-)

6. Mid October was the perfect time of year to get married!  How gorgeous was this!?

Roadside grapes...yes please!

 7. We finished our trip with a little detour to a Hobby Lobby where I picked up this adorable pumpkin and the letters for a cute project I found online.  Then we pressed hard on the gas to get home to our family.

The Lettered Cottage

overcoming anger {day 18} share your light

There is little that brings me more joy than sharing the faith. 

Today I had the opportunity to do this twice.  Holy boldness. 

We are so afraid of others.  We are so afraid of offending.  We are so afraid of what would happen if we shared our faith.  I am often that person who is afraid.

Today, I was unafraid. 

When God puts something on your heart - go for it!  Jump and don't look back. 

“Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair.”
― G.K. Chesterton

overcoming anger {day 17} sometimes you need to step away

home.  home feels great.  i have been writing my posts several days at a time to keep up with being away (3 trips in the last 10 days).  i am finally home. 

The kids had a fantastic time with their grandparents.  Momma & Papa had a fantastic time with each other.  Pictures of the gorgeousness of the finger lakes to follow. 

For now, one thought. 

Stepping away from the challenges (even for a few hours) helps tremendously to recognize the blessings.  I adore my babies.  Coming home it was a couple of hours of hugs before the stress of mommy hood descended again.  But, thanks be to God, I can look again at each of my children and enjoy them.  I love them for who they are and how the gift of each one has added so much to my life. 

overcoming anger {day 16} dealing with it

Last week was complete chaos.  We drove our family through the night twice.  On the way home I had precious conversation with my husband in the still and quiet of the middle of the night.  Somewhere around 3.30am and somewhere in the middle of PA, I had a couple of realizations with the help of my husband.

I am still processing all of this. 

The idea of therapy scares the poop out of me.  I feel above this.  For so many reasons I have wanted to avoid this my whole life. 

If it will help me be a better mom...then I will do it.  I must do it. 

My hope is it will be for a brief time in my life.  With an end goal.  To help me understand the source of my anger.  Is it nature?  Is it nurture?  Are these issues related to infertility?  Adoption?  Something else?

I feel I have spiritually dealt with issues of my past.  The last two years have been huge for forgivenss and undstanding.*  Now it is time to talk it through and look at it from a different prespective.  I am thankful for friends who have humbly shared their journeys with me and who have given me the courage to move foward. 

* Two specific things for me:
1. The Unbound Freedom in Christ conference with Neal Lozano.  I so highly recommend Neal, his book and this conference.
2. Padre Pio.  His intercession has been huge in helping me see things with clarity in my life.  I have no specific recommendations, but whatever you can read, do, pray to initiate a relationship with this amazing confessor and reader of souls can only benefit you.

overcoming anger {day 15} peace

On the same day I purchased this t-shirt from my retreat, my girlfriend posted this quote on my blog.  I think God wanted these words shared.

What can Mother Teresa teach us about peace?  Plenty.  What can she teach a mother?  Everything.

"One woman powerfully in love with God changes everything around her."

The retreat director preached about Mother's teaching to her superiors.  Here are a couple of key points from his talk.
- We are first called to be present (to our children) rather than to do work.
- We are to create a house of love, joy and peace, regardless of who is in our home.
- Am I motherly?  Do I bring hope?
- We need to teach our children obedience, trust, self denial and fidelity.  True obedience makes us martyrs.
- To be obedient, we must have a deep spiritual life. 
- Temptation steals your obedience - this quote directly inspired me to keep all glowing screens in a designated area in our home. 
- The Eucharist is our obedience pill.

Peace.  We need to bring peace to our house, not chaos.  We need to show love, not anger.   We are an invaluable, un-replacable part of God's plan for our children. 

When I talk about peace, I think I have to take myself out of the equation for my family to achieve this. This is the greatest lie of the Devil.  He wants us to beleive we are the problem.  God NEEDS us to know we are the answer.  We are so so so so so needed.  We can bring peace.  God, help us bring peace to our family. 

overcoming anger {day 14} rescue

Please be lifted up by the song that has been lifting me up since my retreat last weekend.  Let us worship (and believe) together.

overcoming anger {day 13} thank you

Thank you for all those walking this journey with me.  Thank you for all the women in real life and online who have offered support.  Thank you for understanding the challenge of being a mom to little people.  I am honored, inspired, humbled and grateful for the blessings of you.  For each comment.  For each prayer.  For everything.

I am uniting my prayers with your intentions for being better women.  Better mothers.  Better daughters.  Better wives.  Better whatever.  Two weeks down.  Two and a half to go.

~~~~~~~~

Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created. And You shall renew the face of the earth.

O, God, who by the light of the Holy Spirit, did instruct the hearts of the faithful, grant that by the same Holy Spirit we may be truly wise and ever enjoy His consolations, Through Christ Our Lord, Amen.

overcoming anger {day 12} rejoice in the wonderful

Today is my 10th Anniversary. 

 
 When I think about my husband, I cry.  What a treasure and gift he is to me.   As a single person I often contemplated what type of person it would take to bear me.  I wondered if such a person existed.  I could not imagine God picking a more perfect spouse for me.  He is the one I prayed for.  He is the one I waited for.

In the midst of parenting, I don't often get to look at my husband.  We are moving so fast...so busy meeting the needs of our demanding little birds.  We are running past each other.  Tagging hands as we pass off the kids and try to make it to the next thing on our respective calendars. 

This weekend we are going away.  Four nights of just us.  My parents are here in their super hero capes to bless my kids with grand-parenting.  They are blessing us with respite.  At such a much needed point in our life.  In our marriage.

My husband is my inspiration to be a better person.  His are the hands I imagine in mine as we grow wrinkly together.  His are the eyes I look to for understanding.  His are the arms I need for support. 

Today, I rejoice in the wonderful.  My wonderful.  My husband.

I love you and thank you for not only bearing me, but loving me and treasuring me.  Thank you for helping me to see my goodness.  Thank you for calling me to be better and love stronger.  I don't want to be in this with anyone else.  XOXOX

overcoming anger {day 11} rid your house of floating screens

Since the addition of a tablet and and smart phone, adding to the laptop and a PC in our house, every room has turned into an internet/tv room.

Two years ago I cast our tv to the downstairs.  It has been a wonderful change.  I did not like the temptation and accessibility.  The move has been a good one.  Our lower level is our family room/play room.  Our upper level is our main living area. 

But, with the invasion of more and more internet ready devices, that temptation has returned, but in the form of internet, rather than television. 

On retreat, when asking God for direction for our family, the one prompting I got was to cast these devices to our lower level as well.  With the support of my husband, we will try to keep all laptops, tablets, etc downstairs in the designated "glowing screens" section of our house.  I feel it is especially important to eliminate these from our bedroom.  I never wanted tv in our bedroom...and virtually every night bed+netflix was calling to me or hubby.  Often we were falling asleep after several hours online, apart from one another. 

Really...my house was a place of selfishness.  I wanted to have my time in the morning for coffee and internet.  Often that time would stretch into two hours.  When my children were seeking food, drink or their mama...it would become a source of frustration.

It is going to be a week before our life and schedule get back to normal.  I am looking foward to this change to bring more moments of peace to our home.

overcoming anger {day 10} working through the challenges

Here I am, far from home, after driving through the night and caring for three very unruly little people through 4 hours of a 6 hour wake.

My husband's grandfather passed away.  We drove 12 hours to stay one night before we turn around and drive home.  Needless to say I did not adhere to my bedtime rule.  I am working off of maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep.  The kids only a bit more.  Overall, it is not pretty.

Tonight, I spanked.

This reinforces the seriousness of my bed time.  This also reinforces the need to negotiate parenting through times when sleep is deprived.  I am doing bedtime on my own while my husband is at the wake.  My patience is zilch.  My husband confessed the same. 

How does one handle this situation? 

We are still learning our way through this whole thing too.  I don't have the answer yet.  But sleep is SUPER important.