oh what I would give for a mustard seed of faith

Do I believe in God?  Yes!
Do I believe that God loves me, cares for me?  Yes.
Do I believe He has plans for my welfare?  ummmm....
Do I believe that God is extravagant in His blessings?  I would really love believe that.  It sounds so beautiful.

Me, of little faith, mustered what I had to celebrate St Gianna's feast day at her shrine.  I placed her glove on my abdomen and prayed with faith for her assistance.  I have known so many blessings who have come directly after contact with her relics.  Two cycles of opportunity have come and gone with no miracle conception.

Around the same time we prayed a double novena; our lady undoer of knots and divine mercy.  So far, no response to our petitions for those novenas.  Just crickets.  And struggles.

A few months back I thought I could possibly have another foster babe in my arms and potentially a miracle conception.  My husband tries to remind me that some times God answers "not yet".  I have to remind my self continually that others stories' are theirs, not mine.  We look so often to how God has blessed others for our own hope.  But His plan is so unique and perfect to us.

Secondary IF is much less dramatic than the first go around.  I am SO grateful for my blessings.  I recognize God has appeared.  He HAS answered prayers.  He HAS listened.  But my faith is still weak.  Forever battered by the waves of primary infertility.  I am much quicker to say "well...no one was listening to THAT novena."  Much quicker to give up.

I see this summer as a turning point.  I hope for it to be.  We need for it to be.

Am I being called back into employment?  Are more kids around the corner?  Only God knows.  We are just waiting over here for revelation.