exhausted

This is not the first time we have had sweet baby love, but this is the first time it is official.  That combined with returning from vacation (including having a wrecked house) plus end/beginning of new cycle.  I am exhausted.  And SOOOO blessed! 

Tonight we brought the family to mass at a retreat center.  There was one other well behaved child.  Then there were our kids.  I felt like a complete mess passing children back and forth and trying to scold our poorly behaved (almost) 4 year old.  I was not the picture perfect Catholic mom with pleasant children.  I was one of those moms. 

I thought I was ready for this.  I have to remember that family transition is not easy.  Clean clothes and clean house are not my priorities.  (I am typing this out as a visual note to myself).  As I write I can see that this is really Satan feeding me thoughts of doubt, self pity, lack of parenting skills, etc. 

Next week will be my first full week of visit drop off/pick ups.  She has a pretty big list of visits.  Two four hour visits and two one and a half hour visits.  This is more than Blaise had.  How on earth foster mom #1 kept up with this is beyond me. 

The good news, I honestly think she is the best behaved of my 3.  She is such an easy baby.  We splurged last week on pictures and a nice baby book (heralding her official entrance to our family). 

While I try to speculate the "what if's"; I think it wise just to enjoy our time together.  I can't imagine her transferring though I have to be emotionally prepared for that possibility.  Three more weeks until our next hurdle (court on 8/26).  I take consolation in the knowledge that God has brought her into our lives for a reason.  Everything has been miraculously and systematically orchestrated by His hand.