The Reveal

We are having a Clare Therese!

it's a...

yeah...not letting you off that easy.  Birthday (reveal) cake is in the fridge for tomorrow (Sunday) night.

And...let us know what you think it is...Vote Please!

And if you are one of those belly analyzers, here is me at 27 weeks (yesterday):

I will keep you posted.  :-)  

Oh...and for the record I did tell my hubby that if it is a girl, we may have to return to fostering one day to bring just one more boy into the house (though I am living with a floor peeing 3 year old danger boy right now, and sisters are just great!).  

"God knew you needed a Catie"

Oh therapy, how I love thee.

Well...this is not entirely true, but how I need thee....at least right now.  Perspective is everything.

Parenting children with special needs is tough work.  Take the responsibilities of your average child, and multiply that by three, at least.  Triple the doctors visits and add to that specialists, surgeries, therapies, tests, and more tests.

Before he turned three Augie had been under anesthesia three times.  Twice for MRIs and once for plastic surgery related to an accident.  Catie, now two and a half, just had her third surgery.  All three directly related to maternal drug use.

We practically know every OT, ST and PT in town.  And are well on our way to understanding the multiple levels of services from early intervention to the inner workings of the intermediate unit.

Would this be my life if I had birthed a child with special needs?  Absolutely.  But this is the life I choose....or rather, the life that choose me.  When Augie was placed with us there were no special needs identified.  We knew he was at risk of mental health issues (aren't we all?).  Since his placement we have been on a wild goose hunt to figure out exactly what is going on in his little mind & body.  Two steps forward, one step back.  He recently re-qualified for services through our IU.  Now we have to figure out whether to enroll him in preschool at age 3 to get him the services he needs.

Catie...we knew.  I feel in love and all the discussion about what we were open to accepting went out the window for love of her.

In discussion with Dr D I confessed I struggled with compassion...before even having children.  His immediate response was "God must have known you needed a Catie."

The paperwork, the appointments, the surgeries, the CONSTANT flow of therapists in and out of my house...it is a lot.  It is tough.  And then there are my children.  The comprehension issues, the speech issues, the attention issues, the behavior issues, the eating issues...they all bring out my crazy.

But then.  Then, there are my children.  The ones whom I so rarely get to step back and see with perspective.  These beautiful little souls that God sent into my life for very distinct purposes.  If they were not bringing out my crazy, my crazy would not be in the process of being healed.  It takes everything inside of me and step back to see them as God sees them.  I fail in doing this every single day.  And yet, God trusts me.  God believes in me.  He sent these poor, needy, struggling, abused little people to a mama who would love them until she had nothing left of herself.  I confessed to a friend that I am not myself during the stressful times.  I am not the person I thought I was.  I am certainly not the mom I thought I would be.  And every day I pick up my broken self and carry on, giving them everything I have within me.  Making the calls, the appointments, scheduling the therapists, the surgeries.  Trying to understand their special needs.  Trying to overcome my inadequacies and frustrations.

And this is the life God choose for me.  Because He knew I needed this.  I needed them.  Heaven ain't for those who just believe.  This is my Mother Theresa journey.  This is my Calcutta.   And I cling to the hope that saints are just the sinners that fall down and get back up.

on communication & the faith

My mother has long told me that she admired my husband's and my ability to communicate.  We are certainly not experts...but the longer I reside in adulthood, the more I realize how communication, especially between spouses, is an incredible gift...and one that is essential to practice & nurture.

I grew up in an extended family that did everything to avoid important or personal conversations.  There were lots of surface conversations,  lots of trying not to offend and  lots of dark secrets,  How do I know this all?  Because my mom rebelled against that mold.  She was a confidant to many and perhaps the only one who practiced faith as an adult.  I think these two are related.  Christ teaches us how to be a friend.

When I married into my husbands' family I saw the differences.  Within their extended family, there are many political & religious differences (same as mine), but these are often topics of family conversation.  I admire families that can respectfully engage in challenging conversation.

As Christians we are called, challenged, even required to share of our faith.  For someone who loves Christ, what she wants most is to share Him, especially with those she loves most.  However, in a family that does not communicate...this is a great challenge.  I have extended family that are not only not Christian, some are anti-Christian.  I love them.  They are my family.  I struggle with feeling judged...this feeling is rooted in pride.  But the hardest is the name calling.  When someone I love resorts to name calling, that is where respect goes out the window.  And that is my opportunity to unite my little sufferings to Christ, who was called all kinds of names...and still died for those who hated Him.

How can we grow if we are not challenged?  If everyone is to sit happily in their little bubbles and never be questioned, challenged or even called out....how do we become better human beings?  I am so grateful for the priest who had the courage to challenge my in the confessional.  I am on the road to becoming a better mother as a result of his challenge.  I am also encouraging my husband to call me out when he sees me falling short.  It is hard for him....I can't guarantee my response will be charitable....but we have to be able to help one another in our life's journey.  

We have to take risks in life.  Sometimes this means taking risks in family or with those we love.  Perhaps, this is one of the most challenging calls of Christianity...at least for me.  We love them, we accept them and ultimately we live by example.

But who are we as Christians if we are too afraid to invite them to join us in this incredible, blessed life?  

While I can blog about this...please don't mistake that for being a stellar apologist.  As Christians we should also be able to challenge one another....and this is so hard!  It starts with recognizing in my own life how far I am from the goal.  And in my weakness, I pray Christ can use me for the good of those I love.   

God, give us the courage to live & die for you.  Amen. 

Quick Takes -mobile edition

1. Just scheduled Catie for eye surgery.  She has lazy eye which was not helped after almost a year of drops (alternative to patching).  The weak eye also affects coordination & depth perception, two things she struggles with.  I hope the surgery will help her with those other issues.  Along with her surgery comes 3 more doctor visits which means 3 more sits to arrange.  Wishing I had family in town, sigh.

2. Rosie "graduates" from pre-k on Wed. I am sure I am not the only one who thinks pre-k & k "graduations" are a bit over done.  Never less I can't believe the school year is over.  

3. We joined the pool for the summer.  Looking forward to spending my hot summer days in cold water.

4. 23 weeks (almost 24) and measuring two weeks ahead.  The midwife said I have extra fluid.  Evidently there is nothing to worry about... Just that it might be a bit more uncomfortable.  My biggest issue is I have been telling people that I am 33 weeks.  Long summer ahead. :-)

5. Augie is 3 1/2.  I have just learned from friends this is a not nice age.  I am learning fast.  A new phase of rebellion.  I am blessed...and I am getting one step closer to heaven every day I make it through.

6. Mary.  Need her more & looking for a good devotion.  Thinking about the total consecration again.  

7. Baby names.  Almost there.  We at least have our saints figured out.  Perhaps we will reveal with the gender at the end of June?  30 days to go...

Happy Friday!  Find Jen here: 

http://www.conversiondiary.com/2013/05/7-quick-takes-friday-vol-219.html

mid week quick takes (aka late takes)

Mid week last week I wanted to blog...but decided to wait until Friday.  Then Friday came along and my inspiration had evaporated.  New inspiration has found its way back, so with that, here are my late-takes.

1. It is 12.19pm and I am sitting at my kitchen table.  My house is silent, except for the whirl of a lawnmower outside.  I am go grateful for Uncle K (our resident priest/brother/brother-in-law) who comes to save the day on his day off.  He took the kids out to the park and out for lunch.  I am so grateful for his vocation and the ways that it helps my vocation.

2.  Speaking of Uncle/Fr K...he arrived just in time to bless our first ever Mary garden!  I had been search for the perfect Mary for years.  The painted ones were never quite right.  The concrete ones were always so expensive.  I found this Mary at a Catholic bookstore.  She is heavy duty plastic, but you add concrete inside to weigh her down.  In front of her is a JPII rose bush in progress.  Our first one died and my mom lovingly cultivated and brought be a new clipping/bush.  I hope it likes it's new home better than the last one.

3. Timber Update.  We had the ultrasound.  It is a beautiful healthy baby!  We had the doctor write the gender down in an envelope to be revealed around DH & my birthday (end of June/beginning of July).  We hope to have a cake baked by someone who will make it blue or pink for us.  I am looking forward to finding out the news as a family (though we have a hunch).
Yesterday marked week 22.  I still can't believe the miracle that is this little life.  The doctor did our u/s and provided us with this face-on view (head on top, big belly on bottom)

4. Taking Kids to Mass.
This topic came up at a recent Marriage renewal program we are involved with.  The question was asked, by a deacon in training,  if he should say something to a woman with regularly misbehaving children who distracts him at daily Mass.  I didn't realize how emotional attached I am to the topic.  It is a tough subject and there is room for education on all fronts.  I believe I shared this articWhy we need kids at Mass."  It is excellent for the average person in the pew who may be irritated by the kids around them.  He then shared this article, "How to take young children to Mass" which is also excellent information for the parent.  We do try to utilize many of these techniques.  Ultimately, there is always room for education.  The idea of personally saying something to a particular woman or family makes me nervous.  One other mom suggested his approach be something like "do you need help?"  Proactive rather than reactive is a much better choice.


le before, "

5. If you missed my blog in the Mother to Mother series on discipline, here it is: Starting from Scratch.

6. My blessings on Mother's Day.

And a beautiful "letter to my pastor" on the topic of hurting women at Mass.  I loved this and shared it with a few priests.  One incorporated the prayer into his homily and was thanked by an infertile woman after the Mass.

7. If you have not yet been introduced to the musical goodness of Sarah Kroger, than please, let me introduce you!  My BFF is the youth minister at the Church she grew up.  While visiting, bff asked Sarah to play for us.  Sarah is incredibly talented and writes beautiful music.  Her second album will be no exception.  Check her out and if you are inspired, help fund her new project at SarahKroger.Com.

6.

a blog to follow this week

as I mentioned, I am participating in a series on discipline this week.

I urge you to follow and can't wait to hear what others have to say.

Check out the Mother to Mother series on Finding Greater Joy, Monday to Thursday.

quick takes from FL

quick taking it from rainy florida and having a wonderful time with family.

1. I have read a couple of blogs about "having babies in an opposite world" and "nfp doesn't work" (awesome Dwija!) and contemplating the general state of feelings towards children.  Why is it that I am shy about revealing this pregnancy to certain people or explaining to strangers this is my fourth?  I am still in shock that this could be the life of a former infertile girl.  But I really truly truly need to work on presenting my JOY and excitement in a more palpable way.  We were the only patrons in Waffle House at 4.30pm yesterday during our commute.  The waitress & cook (both early 20's & female) were gushing over the kids.  When one asked if we planned to have any more my husband said "we have #4 right here!" (pointing to my belly).  We have been fortunate to not have much in the way of negative feedback, but it is certainly a new place of learning & navigating how to present your big family as pure miracle and gift.

2. Pure Challenge.  Pure Joy.

3. With thanks to our babysitters, my husband was able to join me for my skype therapy this week.  It went really well.  It is amazing how the insight of a therapist can help so much.  I am on this journey and I don't want to go it alone.  We learned that when DH comes home and finds me overwhelmed his response is "get out of here and go for a walk".  It sounds nice but when I am overwhelmed walking out on the stress is not what I want, nor helpful for me to relax.  It is really DH's way to "get me out of the way" to accomplish things as he would like.  He also tends to try to hug me during these moments.  I don't receive physical touch well in those situations.  My love language is Quality Time.  Instead, DH was challenged to invite me to step aside for a few minutes and become overwhelmed with me.  It is so nice to have his participation and interest in this process.  I need & look forward to his support as we figure this out together.  The main challenge is discipline....

4. ...and on that topic I will be participating in Finding Greater Joy's discipline series next week.  Look for my post on Thursday.  I can't wait to hear what the other women have to say before me...starting Monday.

5. Loves the sand.  Hates the water.  Life is therapy for this one.

6. My two-less teeth Rosie.  Growing into such a beautiful girl and a wonderful big sister.

7. Off to enjoy the red snapper my DH cooked for dinner.  See you soon! 

7QT: foster care adoptions

Instead of the traditional quick takes this week, the topic of fostering has been on my heart. So I am blogging...and adding numbers.  :)

-1-

I LOVE talking about foster care adoptions.  It is always an adrenaline rush when I get to share with others that you do not actually have to have 20k banked to afford adoption.  Also, it seems unfair, but we had zero wait for either of our placements.   In our county there are lots of kids that need homes.  I am grateful to be the mama that gets to provide that safe forever home for my two little ones.

-2-

Scrolling through waiting children lists is so challenging.  27,000 kids age out of foster care every year without a forever family.  And then there are sibling sets. I wish that I had the courage in our childless years to jump full throttle into a sibling set. 

-3-

Last year Catie's teenage half-sibling entered into foster care.  A home was found for her before we even knew of her situation.  We have begun visits with T & her foster mom.  Her foster mom is a 32 year old single teacher that was a mentor for T.  I am so impressed that this woman stepped up to the challenge of parenting a teenager.  They are such a unique and perfect fit.  

-4-

Check out one of my favorite foster adoption resources for Myths & Realities of Foster Care.  

-5-

I tried to reorganize my blog a bit.  On the top I have a new page on the topic of Open Adoptions.  On my side bar I added a few labels on the topic to make searching easier.  

-6-

I totally get how hard it is for people to wrap their brains around fostering.  But knowing how many kids are out there waiting, I would encourage would be foster parents to do whatever it takes to break into the world of foster care and start meeting these kids.  In our adoption & foster care journeys we were open to just about everything except a drug addicted child.  Now I can not imagine my life without the gift of my sweet Catie.  Meeting foster kids in person gives you even more courage to say yes. 

-7-

Resources are available!  I listed a great one, The Dave Thomas Foundation.  I would also love to help anyone with questions as they consider navigating down this road. 

quick takes friday

1. I keep checking my blog every day and there are no updates!  Sorry ya'll!

2. Two weeks until two weeks of Florida!  I can not remember the last time I was there during beach season.  Can't wait for the time away with my family...and our built in babysitters (aka grandparents).

3. Sooo, we finally have the beautiful warm weather I have been pining for.  But after two days of open windows, our upstairs was 85 and this pregnant woman was not surviving.  So the AC has already started rolling in our house.

4. Feeling the baby move now!  I have been without progesterone for a month (my own doing after my non-NaPro doc freaked out with the "fibroid" issue).  I have been constantly worried for the baby's safety.  Feeling him or her move is tremendously reassuring.  But I still need to get my numbers rechecked by Camp Hill (bad bad FCP).

5. Names.  Starting to feel the pressure now.  Not sure why, but it seems we should have some better prospective names.  Well, I do know why....my husband has somewhat agreed to finding out the sex, IF we can figure out the names before the news.  Either way...you won't know the name until birth. ;-)  That is one secret I can keep.

6. Prayers.  Ongoing for the special people in my life that are trying to conceive or adopt.

7.  I had a lovely play date with a friend & fellow blogger. Here are the kiddos:
The plunging neckline is because someone had too much fun playing in the water fountain and had to wear her mommy's sweater to lunch.  Don't you just love all this "cheese"?

8.  Breaking the rules to say I am still in shock that I am the momma to 4 little people!!  Our God is a big God and He is a God of miracles.  (now please revert back to #6 and join me in praying!)

Play at Home Mom

When Rosie was a baby we did Gymboree & gymnastics among other fun activities.  As Dr D (my therapist) shared, he told his first born she was spoiled rotten.  Since doing similar activities for Augie or Catie would involve someone needing to be at a sitter, it is not possible for me to do the same types of activities.

I thought I would share a couple of our favorite YouTube activities.

A year or two ago I saw a program about the Radio Exercises done in Japan.  I think these are so cool!  Starting in the late 20s, the government introduced these daily exercises as a way to keep soldiers in good health.  It has been a national movement for almost 100 years and can still be found as community exercise in various parts of the country.

It is 6 minutes of great exercise and fun to do with kids.

Next, we just discovered this one this morning and it is now on our favorite list.

Were Going on a Bear Hunt.

We learned Animal Action in baby gymnastics.  Fun to do with the kids...but only if you play along.

Last, my favorite gymboree-leanred song was Tony Chestnut.  Great to do with babies.

I would love to know what your favorite songs, games or videos are to play with your toddlers or preschoolers so we can add more to our repertoire.  

Quick Takes

1. Quick taking without underlying inspiration today, but up at 1:11am so thought I would try to get this on the books before I go to bed.  Hold on to your hats.

source

2. At what age is it safe to redecorate the room of a destructive toddler?   Augie's room was specially prepared for him two summers ago, when he officially joined our family.  Since then every surface has been written on (beyond magic erasers abilities to erase) and there are multiple holes in the wall.  Mainly from the cute things I hang up (like curtain rods and coat rack) being ripped out of the wall.  I picked up paint chips yet and am hoping by summer (age 3.5) we may be over a bit of the hump.  Too soon?

Here is my original pintersty inspiration.  I am dying to do a take 2!

3. While we are talking Pinterest, project uno is to finish our office.  It opens up into our family room, and this is my main inspiration idea:

the source site seems to not be accessible, it is from a site called sawdust and paper scraps

Does anyone have any idea where I can find reasonably priced wood file cabinets to serve as our base??  That is my current shopping challenge.  The pottery barn bedford collection is my dream, but I don't have $600 for those two base cabinets.  

4. So I managed to secure 60 minutes of uninterrupted kid-free shopping time this evening.  It was wonderful.  I did some E-basket shopping...and then came home to discuss the bunny with my husband.  I grew up with a bunny.  He grew up with no bunny.  It is hard to give him up, but he really has nothing to do with the resurrection story.  I think we are going to be a bunny-less family and the baskets are gifts from us. And for the record...we do Santa (justified with lots of talk about the real St Nick).  

5.  Catholic school.  Rosie will be returning to Catholic school in the Fall for Kindergarden.  We are going to have to just do this year by year.  I WISH I had the energy or patience to home school, but with little people at home, I am very grateful for the gift of our parish school.  When it comes down to it, I finally confessed there is no way I want her in public school.  I was raised in public school...but it is very different today than 30 years ago.  The rejection/disrespect of Christianity is one of the biggest issues.  She will not be a girl scout for the same reason.  Still debating about extraneous activities for the Fall.  I would love to enroll her in soccer, but with new baby coming at the same time...we may have to just wait another year.  It is so difficult to say no to so much, but I want to keep our lives as simple as possible in this chaotic world. 

6. Baby Update.  It was incredible to see Timber on ultrasound last Friday.  I only saw him/her briefly as the doctor looked EVERYWHERE inside of me for the fibroid that wasn't.  I wish I had a picture but any 13 week ultrasound image will do.  I am so back and forth about the gender surprise.  I want to know.  Hubby does not.  I am hoping I come around.  :)  

7. Have you been touched by an angel?  I am humbled and grateful for one that touched my life today.  To that angel: I am grateful for you.  I am grateful for the example, leader & mentor you have been in my life. You have always and will always hold a most special place in my heart.  As your babies left your nest, my nest was starting to fill.  Having been right where I am am....all I can say is thank you for knowing.  Thank you for caring.  Thank you for being so special. 

 

foster care: why i lament, but still promote

"He could be your perfect disaster but you could be his ever after!"

I read this quote from Foster2Forever and it struck a chord, especially in light of my Quick Take #4.  Two days before I lamented about bonding, I was telling someone I was going to pray for them to consider foster care.

A blog is essentially a public journal.  While I may be very open about my feelings and the challenges, please don't mistake that for lack of gratitude.  I can not for one second imagine my life without each of my blessings.

Parenting is hard as hell.  Some of what I am trying to accomplish in therapy is the transition from the romantic ideas of what kind of parent I thought I would be to becoming the parent God is challenging me to become.  That idea and the "ideal" (ie romanticized notions) are no where near the reality.  This has to be true for every parent...even if their life looks perfect on a blog.

But the thing is, parenting has nothing to do with how pretty your house looks or how perfect your crafts/snacks/parties are.  That type of parenting is rooted in pride & self love.  That type of parent says it is all about how I look.  I am learning the parent God wants me to be is the one who says it is not about me, it is all about God.  Help me decrease so He may increase.  I embrace the fact that my house is a mess.  God you have lent me these children, your children, help me be the kind of mother that desires their holiness above all else.  Above all images of perfection, above desiring to be the perfect mother, above my unworthiness....let me focus on them...and what it takes to get them to heaven.  That is all I seek.

I feel that I type this out every year, but here goes again.

When we were struggling with infertility, and treatment after treatment did not bring about a positive pregnancy test...all I knew was adoption was so darn expensive.  Why did I have to have 10 or 20K to become a mother?  And when I became a foster mom, I learned that foster care is essentially the American Orphanage.  Except, to adopt from this orphanage costs not a cent.  There is no foreign travel, there are no dossiers, no weeks away from your family, no fundraisers, home equity loans or financial set backs.  This orphanage is fully funded by an in debt government.  And for whatever it is worth...well, I can see why the government is so freakishly in debt...this is a viable option for many couples.  But many of those couples...most of those couples...are too afraid to try.

What if we didn't try?

I can not, not for one second, imagine my life without these two most incredible beautiful gifts.  As much as I lament the chaos, I would not trade it for the world.  These two beautiful kids were meant just for me.

I can not imagine my life without the gift of knowing them and the privilege of raising them.  Augie can light up a room like no one else.  He is truly a  crowd magnet  as I watched tonight at a party.  Seriously everyone loves this kid. Catie is spunky like no one's business and I get to see her overcome her challenges every day.  If I sit back and think about her, I am sure I could come up with a very long list of how she inspires me.  

I am so eternally grateful that we signed up to be foster parents and didn't look back.  

Psalm 27:10 "Even if my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will take me in."

Matthew 18:5 "And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me."

To spiritually consider adoption, to wrap your brain around rescuing an orphan, is to see how you have decreased and He has increased in you.  Adoption is truly so supernatural.  Adoption is truly allowing God control of your life and to offer what you have to His child that is most in need.  I get so caught up in wiping bums, that I forget to consider finding joy in the mundane.  I forget that I am like Mother Theresa on the streets of Calcutta with my own poor & needy.  Insight is everything.  

With such a beautiful new pope who cares so deeply about the poor...I pray that his leadership allows you to consider how you can help the poor.  Adoption....adoption through foster care....is certainly answering that call. 

It is not about me, it is all about you.  Lord Jesus, take control.  

and this is why i believe in the power of prayer

thank you for all who prayed!!

Quick Run Down:
Thursday Night - could not pee
Friday - visit to the midwife, in office catheter, something blocking a clear passage
Friday Night - could not pee, referred to Ob Triage in the hospital, received foley catheter
Tuesday Morning - midwife appointment, she called in the doctor because something was not right.  Cervix nearly impossible to find, uterus not in the right spot, a fibroid appears to be pushing down on my uterus causing blockage, catheter stays put
Wed-Friday - pray pray pray pray pray; and start to notice signs of UTI
Friday - definitely UTI, knee chest exercises while praying, and then...
2.30 ultrasound showed no signs of a fibroid, baby looks great, physical exam confirmed everything is right where it should be.  Cervix and uterus are in the normal position.  No more catheter!!

I left my appointment humbled and grateful.  God is big!!  So, I still have to fight off a UTI, but it is so so much better doing it without a catheter.

Quick Takes Friday

1.  So my lent commitment was to stay off facebook and try to avoid excess Internet as much as possible.  I am failing miserably.  I have been spending lots of time in bed since my wonderful news, and especially in the past week.

I had been replacing fb time with my news apps.  And then, between a friend having twins (had to stalk on fb) and then the pope, and then I have just down spiraled from there.  Not sure what I need to do, but I need to do something to make the most of the final two weeks of lent.

2. Thank you to everyone for your prayers.  My two complications are "tilted uterus & can't pee" and a fibroid (or fibroids), which seems to make the matter worse.  I have been catheterized for a week and am trying to offer my sufferings constantly.  The last couple days have been pretty darn uncomfortable.  I am ready to rip that thing out.  Ultrasound at 2.30pm today.  My greatest prayer is that my uterus has returned to the correct position - Sts Gianna & Gerard, pray for me!  I need a break from this bag.

3.  Recently we added sensory therapy to Catie's PT & OT schedule.  It sounds like she may need speech as well.  At 2 years, 3 months she is not identifying animals or animal sounds.  She has a great ability to communicate, but there are some gaps missing in her speech.  While her OT is excited about her progress, add this to the list of things I am not thrilled to add to our schedule.  I feel selfish to say this, but three services a week as we add a new person to our family....this is what I signed up for when I adopted my special needs babe.

4. Adoption and motherhood.  Okay....super honest quick take here.  I know adoptive parents so often talk about how there is no difference between their feelings towards their adopted children and their biological children.  From a supernatural faith based perspective, absolutely, this is/should be true.  Adoption is a higher calling than becoming a parent the old fashioned way.  From a natural perspective (and I know I may be in the minority here, but still feel this on my heart to say) there is a difference, for me, that I connect to the lack of bonding through maternity & nursing.  My adopted children have special needs and they happen to be aged two and three (read: very difficult ages).  I am sure parents of all biological children have toughies that they struggle to love the same way as the easy ones.  In saying that, perhaps adoption becomes a moot point, BUT...I feel the need to meditate on and pray for a supernatural love for my children.

At a natural level, our love is imperfect.  We should love as God loves.  And our relationship to God is as His adopted children.  He has TOUGH children.  But HE loves us all perfectly, no matter where we came from or what challenges we present.

Adoption is a higher calling than becoming a parent the old fashioned way.  This statement came up by my therapist.  On a biological level, we have biological bonding agents - hormones during pregnancy, delivery and nursing that bring about the maternal instincts.  (Note: men do not have this same biological experience and my husband has not had the same bonding challenges as me).  With my adopted kids, I lacked those experiences and that natural/hormonal type of bonding.  So now, in my parenting experience, I am trying to rise above what is lacking and be as maternal as I would be to my biological child.  This can only happen with supernatural grace.   I am on the long road to processing and hopefully changing this in my life.

5.  For the record, I know plenty of biological parents who have admitted to me struggles with not being maternal.  In that, I mean relating to my struggles with anger and personal restraint in punishment, etc.  The above is specific to my experience with parenting.  So again, this could be very common in parenting in general. And, in which case, completely wipes out the struggle in my head about adoption as a reason for the chance in my maternal feelings.  Can you tell this is all just being processed?

6.  My favorite Francis meme:

When I first saw Pope Francis standing there I was like "wave, Dude!!"  When you see this picture, it brings out the humility of our new Holy Father.  It makes me chuckle.

7.  Okay, I will close with a netflix recommendation that has been taking up my time (read #1!).  My mother in law recommended "Call the Midwife".  Very good series.   But someone needs to have words with these British film companies that think 6 episodes constitutes a season!

Happy Weekend!

Or in Spanish: !Tenemos Papa!

I had missed the previous two smoke events so was thrilled that I finally got the hang of smoke watch in time to witness today with my daughter.

Streaming online, we anxiously waited...Rosie asking every two minutes "is that smoke??" After 35 the answer was yes. And I thought it was black. But then it was white!

White Smoke!!

We celebrated and what fun sharing that moment with my daughter, and my mom on the phone.

We brought non-napping Augie into the room to await the answer "who???". Nothing helped me answer that question and honestly EWTN didn't get the info flowing for some time.

Pope Francis!

It wasn't until 8pm that I actually found out what he said in his address.

But he had me when he asked for prayers, took a moment of silence and bowed his head to receive them. I raised my hand and offered a prayer through my tears. God bless Pope Francis! We don't know you, but we love you!!

the good news and the bad news

So, it seems the baby is doing well.  I should get another look of timber on Friday.  After my last us bill came in at $570, I was not planning on another look so soon, none-the-less, it will still be good to see.

What the sonograpger is really going to be looking for us the fibroid which is likely related to my bladder woes.  As soon as fibroid was found in my physical exam the doctor decided to leave the catheter in place.

The midwife said "don't go home and google this".  Of course I did not listen to her.  Depending on the location of the fibroid, it sounds like things could possibly become more painful.  For now, however, I have become cheerleader for my uterus- hoping it will pop up into normal position soon.

prayer request for me - update

I need to ask for your prayers.  I am almost 12 weeks pregnant and dealing with a condition that leaves me often unable to pee.  Mostly in the middle of the night.  Hence the reason this is being posted at 4am.

It is extremely frustrating and getting worse.  I was catheterized briefly in the office yesterday and think it may have to happen again & for longer...and it is no fun!

Apparently my uterus is pushing on my bladder and causing a blockage.  It could also be stones or infection  (which is being looked at).  

Thank you for your prayers!

UPDATE: after many hours without relief I called the midwife and ended up in OB Triage.  Walking in at 12 weeks pg...my heart went to all the women who walk into such a place for more serious reasons.  

I am now the proud owner of a Foley catheter and am living with tubes and a bag.  It is uncomfortable and I am going to be home bound for a bit...but better than the alternative.  Thank you for your kind thoughts & prayers.  My prayer is for this to resolve sooner so I don't need to go weeks with a cath.

Benefit: while waiting an hour for the correct sized bag , rather than the massive hospital one first used...I asked if the nurse had a Doppler.  For the first time I heard Timber's heart beat.  Surely life's most beautiful sound.  More prayers and pain offerings for so many of you.

why..hello there!

I have dropped off the face of the blog world...and not because I gave blogging up for lent.

I have been busy doing lots of sleeping, eating and otherwise baby growing.  Thank you so much for your wonderful and celebratory words.  Tomorrow I am 9 weeks and "timber" is doing really well.  My 8 week progesterone level came back high, between zones 2 & 3.  Add to that I feel very pregnant...hello stretchy pants.  I am so grateful....SO GRATEFUL to have been given the blessing of maternity again.

I am intensely working on my maternal heart with my therapist.  I had two very very lows in parenting this past month.  An ugly bout of pregnancy hormones led to an ugly bout with anger.  As God's timing and providence would have it, I had a therapy session coinciding with a very bad day.  It is frustrating that my behavior is not changing as fast as I would like.  My mind and heart are definitely being converted and my prayer is that what I am learning will come to mind when it is most needed.

I have recommitted to giving up spanking.  This time no spanking and no yelling for lent.  I read a good article by Dr Sears about avoiding hand spanking as it discourages a natural and healthy curiosity.  This is something my husband had adopted and has agreed to give up, again, as well.

Therapies for my children are on my heart.  We have increased OT services for Catie and began a "sensory diet".  She is deathly afraid of all things fun (sledding, sliding, high swinging, exploring, etc).  I became aware of her height terror recently.  I am hoping the addition of the sensory training will be beneficial.  Meanwhile, I feel Augie is slipping backwards in speech and language.  I keep thinking of Williams Syndrome.  Many of these kids are missed because their personalities shine above their weaknesses.  This is so the case for him.  I am hoping to reopen his case with the therapist that cleared him.

In other news...we just booked a two week vacation to Florida in the mid-spring.  We had hopes of traveling south for Christmas, but with baby due a few months prior, I was not sure about that trip.  Plus I have been dying to visit during the beach months.  One week with hub's family and one week with mine and lots of time with the family in the pool and at the beach.  So. Excited!

Sorry for the hodgepodge.  I have had some beautifully deep thoughts and insights, but am never awake or coherent enough to blog them out.  This post comes courtesy of insomnia.  So, with that, good night/good morning.  I hope to see you again soon.  :)

two more feet

Six and a half years ago if you would have told me this could be my life...I would not have believed you.  A few years into our infertility, I had to re-imagine what having a "big family" would look like.  I knocked my goal down to four children.  Still enough to pass the average 2.1 child household.

If it were left to my (in)fertility alone Rosie would not have 3 years of being a big sister under her belt.  Once upon a time becoming the mother of one seemed impossible.  When our first miracle arrived, after 4+ years  of trying, we were immediately ready for a second miracle.  My body, however, was not.  Without infertility round one we would not have been prepped and ready to adopt when infertility round two occurred. Thanks to the gift of foster care our family grew by two more miracles, or four more feet, despite infertility.

As Catie approached two my heart opened slowly to the idea of another child.  But foster care is a process that I was not quite ready to undergo again.  My desire for another chance to experience pregnancy was great.  The very recent loss of my maternity clothes opened a deep wound and the question, would I ever be so blessed to experience pregnancy again?  We have always been open to conceiving.  Even during the tough times of learning to juggle two, and then three.  But, as it turns out, God has planned our family all along.   He has spaced my children.  And He has recently granted the desires of my heart.

This miracle...this little miracle growing inside of me, is thanks, in part, to the St Andrews Novena.  Thanks in part also to the prayers of my prayer partner.  Thanks in part to years of lamenting, intercessory prayers to the saints and of course, to my God who knows the whens and the whats and the whys.

Being surrounded by beautiful women in the blog land and in real life who have suffered miscarriage makes the fragility of this life so real.  I am working with my NaPro doctor and am on supplemental progesterone.  These moments make my heart ache so much more for these women who have had and lost life in their womb.  My heart also aches for the many women who continue to suffer childlessness.  Especially those from my childless years that still remain infertile.  My prayers will always be with these women.

So, after 5 years of secondary infertility and with the greatest of hopes he/she will make it to birth day and beyond, please meet our newest addition.

also known as Timber, nicknamed by Rosie