Schooling & Perspective

Perspective.

I remember when Rosie was two, I started feeling the internal pressure for pre-school.  We have so much pressure to school.  Shortly after that, I started getting the questions.  "Is 'Rosie' starting school in the fall?"  (as she was about to turn 3).  Since that time the pressure to school has not just been internal.  In books I had begun to read, it seemed there was more information about dangers of schooling too early.

This past school year Rosie was JUST eligible for our parish pre-school.  In discerning what to do, specifically if we wanted her to be oldest in the class or youngest, a very wise teacher friend said "always give your child the gift of time."  She also asked "would you rather your daughter be driving her friends around or riding in the back of their car?"  That was an easy answer.  In quick interview with others, it seemed that being older in the class was usually preferred/easier. 

Perspective.

Before, I was dealing with pressure to school.  Now, perspective allows me to see that giving her an extra year allows us to have her in our home an extra year.  Rather than rushing our 17 year old off to college, we will have almost a full year with our 18 year old.  I am obviously not parenting a teenager right now.  But, reason tells me in parenthood, every moment counts.

This year we have been working on "handwriting without tears".  It has been a very loose pre-school program, but we so enjoy our time together.  That said, I am still struggling heavily with the idea of being solely responsible for her education.  Mainly related to the responsibility of having all children in my charge at all times...this in itself is a big lifestyle change, it is not so easy just to run to the store.  Also, teaching requires quite a bit of patience...and so far we are only sitting down for an hour a couple of times a week.  For Christmas, I received another wishlist book, Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons.   I am looking forward to starting that this year. 

I am not sure yet if we will enroll in pre school in the fall or continue to school at home.  We love the precious moments with our beautiful children.  We love teaching our values and faith, seeing our two year old sing Alleluia or bow his head to pray and say Amen.   We love seeing Rosie grow into a God-loving little girl.  Those moments of witnessing the fruits of our parenting are priceless. 

For 2012, "God, please continue to shower me with BUCKETS of grace necessary to be a good mom.  A loving mom.  An encouraging mom.  A mom who teaches by her actions.  Help ME be a better ME.  For this I pray. Amen."

organizational gold mine

one word...COZI

and the story goes, I facebooked my husband a link for Best Apps for Catholic Moms because he received a tablet for Christmas and was looking for great apps.  Some how, when he looked at it on his tablet, he did not see what I see...but somehow found out about cozi.com. 

He started to tell me about this cool app that he thought I would like.  I thought to myself, not another online calendar (we have tried google calendars, my planner, fridge calendars, paul's outlook, etc etc) and I shrugged it off and forgot he even mentioned it.

Well, part of my new years resolution involves keeping my sink shiny.  As I was looking through flylady.net this morning, she referred me to cozi.com.  It looked interesting so I started to create a new account..and discovered my husband already created one for us.

SINCE we now have oh....4 internet connected devices around our home (one pc, two laptops and a tablet)...cozi.com will be my new home page.

I have spent the past two hours updating our family calendar, checking the shopping list that my husband added (both calendar and shopping list can be sent via text to our phones) and finally....adding our favorite recipes to the recipe box.  This is one area that I have never found a home for on the internet.  I frequently print recipes, and file them in our paper recipe box.  But I am always loosing pages (not to mention the ink and paper).  Check out what Cozi can do for storing favorite recipes and meal planning!  I have been moving some pinterest ideas over to cozi.

It has a great feature for logging favorite family moments that can be shared on a monthly basis (or whenever) with family.  Great as not everyone checks my blog or facebook and you can just email for whomever might be interested.  

In a nutshell...well just watch this

 

adoption opportunity

I was just asked if I know anyone that wants to adopt a little girl.

She is special needs and uber adorable.

One year old, down syndrome, maternal drug addiction, feeding tube; Hispanic.    Doing well, LOVES to interact and talk.  Paternal rights terminated.  In need of a good, loving, permanent home.  Please email me for more information. 

on brokenness

When I imagined becoming a mom, I imagined I would be a fantastic mom.  Loving, encouraging, taking the time to play with my kids.  And then, thanks be to God, I became a mom.  And it was hard.  And adding children (thank you Jesus) it has gotten even more difficult.

When I contemplate the mom I actually am to my children (when no one is looking) I am ashamed.

As I am writing this blog, I am listening to the message of the Holy Father as given on Christmas Day.  His Orbi et Urbi (message to Rome and the World).  His message is "Christ, come to save us!"


emphasis mine-
"This is the meaning of the Child’s name, the name which, by God’s will, Mary and Joseph gave him: he is named Jesus, which means “Saviour” (cf. Mt 1:21; Lk 1:31). He was sent by God the Father to save us above all from the evil deeply rooted in man and in history: the evil of separation from God, the prideful presumption of being self-sufficient, of trying to compete with God and to take his place, to decide what is good and evil, to be the master of life and death (cf. Gen 3:1-7). This is the great evil, the great sin, from which we human beings cannot save ourselves unless we rely on God’s help, unless we cry out to him: “Veni ad salvandum nos! – Come to save us!”

The very fact that we cry to heaven in this way already sets us aright; it makes us true to ourselves: we are in fact those who cried out to God and were saved (cf. Esth [LXX] 10:3ff.). God is the Saviour; we are those who are in peril. He is the physician; we are the infirm. To realize this is the first step towards salvation, towards emerging from the maze in which we have been locked by our pride. To lift our eyes to heaven, to stretch out our hands and call for help is our means of escape, provided that there is Someone who hears us and can come to our assistance."

Self-Sufficiency.  I have heard that one before.  Specifically from Neal Lozano, an amazing prayer warrior who broke me open.  Self sufficiency is one of my regular perils.  An evil that lies in disguise because I am so busy taking care of things myself...too busy to look to God.  Too busy to cry out for help. 

Lord, break me open.  I cry out to you.  I can not do this on my own.

the miracle of conception

Before I send anyone into a state of shock, this is not an announcement on my behalf.  This is a post that has been in my head a few days now.

October will mark 10 years married for my husband and I.  Not once in this time frame have we attempted to avoid or prevent conception in any form.  In all those years only one glorious, wonderful day our marital union resulted in conception; 5 years ago...almost to this day.  As we shared our news, it floored our family.   Everyone was waiting for the announcement that we had our first placement from our adoption agency.  It still floors me.

The miracle of conception.  The MIRACLE, the MAGNITUDE was not lost on us.  EACH conception changes the world forever.  In the audio letter from Michelle Duggar to the daughter she recently miscarried, Michelle states " Its an awesome thought to me that you fulfilled your life's purpose in such a short time."  I love that Jubilee was her 21st conceived child and she holds her in such esteem.



Certainly, not every conception happens in the most ideal of circumstances.  As a parent, I FULLY understand the challenges of raising just one child.  For the teenager that conceives out of wedlock, the drug addict that conceives with unknown partner, or even the haggard mother of many children, conceiving may not be perceived as miraculous.  BUT, God has allowed sperm and egg to come together and HE has stamped His image and likeness into an immortal soul.  This incredible, miraculous instant, that some couples may never experience first hand, changes the world forever.

As an adoptive mama, I am blessed by two beautiful miracles, conceived in difficult circumstances.  Although I am not the one who conceived them, I am the one who excitedly dreams about their future and in what ways they may change the world.  Two nights ago I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" for the first time. I recommend it (but you MUST watch from start to finish, no sort of watching).  As a  worn out mother of young children (thank you Jesus), I am not often given the opportunity to reflect on the miracle of my own conception, my own life.  But it is a good thing to do.

Last year I posted a music video by the most inspirational song writer with regards to adoption.  Click the songs tab at the top and you will see that Stephen Curtis Chapman has three of my four posted songs.  If you need a refresher, watch the music video for Meant to Be. If you are having a difficult year, or a difficult holiday season....reflect on these things.  What has the miracle of your conception meant to the world? 

And if you are considering foster care, or adoption...go to CBS and watch "A Home for the Holidays" and consider how you can be a miracle in another life.

what we've been up to (in pictures)

In the last 3 1/2 weeks we have:

Driven to Chicago and Back (round trip 26 hours) to visit our 93 year old pra-Busia (great grandmother)

Celebrating Thanksgiving Mass in the Nursing Home with my Brother in Law as celebrant

Stopped at the Flight 93 Memorial on the way home

Boulder Marks Impact Site

Marble Wall marks the Flight Path

and unborn child

I hosted and was the MC at our Advent by Candlelight for ~175 women

Then we hugged Catie and Papa goodbye, drove to Maryland and flew home to Florida for a long weekend


Celebrated Augie's 2nd Birthday in FL with grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin (and papa via skype)



Threw a baby shower for my sister in law, I made these for my Niece, idea from That's My Letter

Met up with a friend from Alabama

(pic to follow)

Flew Home

Decorated for Christmas, Cleaned House and Celebrated Catie's First Birthday with a Polish Feast (thanks to my husband, our caterer) 

Happy Birthday Catie girl!

And now...we are putting our feet up a bit and preparing for a quiet Christmas. 

Happy 4th week of Advent!

flying solo with kids

Since we forgot to put out their shoes last night, we are hoping St Nick will catch us on the late shift.  Three shoes lay outside in anticipation.  Tomorrow morning our kiddos will awaken to a surprise.  

The littlest shoe will get a ticket for a "long weekend with papa";
The two year old and four year old will get a ticket for "flight to Florida to see Grandpa & Mimi";
in addition to a few other sprinkled goodies, of course. 


Mimi, in her excitement, has had Santa aka Amazon ringing our door bell over and over.  We are filled to the brim with all things Trunki.  Trunki is thing #1 joining our adventure and I am hopeful it will keep Rosie occupied, in addition to holding a few surprises for Augie.

Thing # 2 joining us is the GoGo Kidz Travelmate.  THANK YOU Becky for helping me out with the craigslist pick up!  I am optimistic that thing #2 will help me not loose kid #2 in the hustle and bustle of the airport.  It should also help for containment purposes on the airplane. 

I have to go upstairs and figure out what else will hopefully help us survive this adventure.  Off the top of my head, big lollipops from St Nick to help with air time quiet, snacks, snacks and more snacks, the paci that Augie has not yet given up.  

I am a little nervous about the shuttle too and from long term parking with kids and bags in tow.  I am hoping they will let me curbside check the bag before I park.  Fingers crossed!  St Christopher, pray for us!

Our first visit

This morning we met with Augie's birth mom for our first post-termination visit (it has been 9 1/2 months since we saw her last). 

The morning started with me waking up at 9am, the same time as the start of our visit.  So, our morning started in a panic.  I called her and we rushed out the door. We got to the restaurant and no birth mom.  I called again, worried they were at a different location, thankfully she was in the parking lot.  Deep breath.  Stress relieving.

It was a good visit.  I had been coaching Augie of her name for a few days.  She lit up when she saw him and so did he.  They look so much alike.  He gave her a kiss, gave me a look for reassurance then gave her a hug.  I bought breakfast and if you read from our final visit it was a HUGE deal for birth mom when we bought her coffee in the past...free is not a part of her world.  We talked about the things Augie is doing, how her life is going and our adoption relationship.  She referred to Augie by the name we choose for him and said how she looked it up to pronounce it correctly.  She said it suited him and his birth father had accepted the change better than she thought he would.

We talked, we played and she got lots of kisses.

It is/was a bit nerve wrecking knowing in the past they had two requests;  1. We not cut his hair 2. We not change his name.  We did not honor either of those requests.  They have accepted these things and are still grateful for any relationship we allow.  She assured me we are his parents and she can just hope for contact and a relationship.  I assured her that I do not fear they will be a bad influence or go against us (in how we are raising him).

Overall, it was wonderful.  There is a definite pull in me to more openness.  I have to limit my enthusiasm.  I have to refrain from referring to her as "mama".  We refer to them by their first names, at their request. 

Augie has two half siblings by his birth mom.  They live with different adoptive parents and have never been photographed together.  My goal is to facilitate a summer visit for the kids to get together and continue a winter visit with mom and dad. 

I left the visit praising God.  While I would love to be a fly on the wall to hear her take on the visit, I need to trust what I know and what I see.  I see a mother who loves the son she gave birth to and I am grateful for her.

about a boy

Tomorrow is our first visit with Augie's birth mom since they said goodbye, back in February.  The excitement has been building and I was thrilled when my husband declared it was exciting.  I will be taking him by myself while DH watches the girls.  We are meeting at our favorite restaurant and I am crossing my fingers Augie will be well behaved.  I will update later...but for now, here the letter to the birth parents coming with us.  

It feels as if it has been forever.  We think of you daily.  I could write pages about Augie. 

Let me just tell you about this boy…he is the sweetest most challenging person I know.  He will go out of his way to give the sweetest kisses, and 5 minutes later be covered in ink, marker, diaper cream, etc.  We joke that he needs a water bottle attached to his hip to keep him hydrated.  When he is not happy at the dinner table he pushes (or throws) his  food and grunts.  He loves playing with Rosie and it is so much fun to watch them play games together.  And Airplanes…boy does he love airplanes.  We were on a walk recently when he saw an airplane.  He was just walking aimlessly with his arms out, making the sound, “flying” through his imagination.  Though he will not hear me call his name from 5 feet away, he manages to hear airplanes 5,000 feet away (selective hearing). 

He loves to sing itsy bitsy spider and twinkle twinkle little star.  He is starting to sing the alphabet song (just a bit) and become familiar with counting numbers. 

I have a theory that his head is magnetically drawn to the floor.  He still frequently has a bruisey forehead, but overall, he is wonderful. 

We are so excited for our visit and looking forward to creating more memories together in the future.  My hope is to get the kids together at some point for a visit together. 

We are just figuring out this whole adoption and open relationship thing, so bear with us…but we are grateful that you love him so much and we hope to foster your relationship with him as the years go by. 

With Love,Ua

Featured at Forever, For Always, No Matter What

Thanks to our lovely Jen for helping me share our story today at Forever, For Always, No Matter What: 
Adopting from Foster Care

And Jen just shared with me the story was picked up by The Foster Care Daily.  Scroll to the bottom of the page. 

The SPICE it up Challenge

For those out there who have learned Creighton, you know about SPICE. This stands for the Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Creative/Communicative and Emotional/psychological needs of your spouse.  The talking point is "while genital contact is to be avoided during the days of fertility, if your intention is to avoid pregnancy, "sexual" contact (SPICE - the broader concept of relationship) should never be avoided."  In other words, be extra willing to work on your marriage in other departments during times of abstinence.

One of my favorite parts of teaching CrM is facilitating the SPICE discussion. Probably about 90% of the time I end up recommending the book "The 5 Love Languages."  I will offer more on this in my next post.

When we first learned Creighton (and SPICE) it was the in midst of our struggle with infertility.  Avoiding pregnancy was not a concern.  In the wise words of my practitioner, couples dealing with infertility have to work just as hard, if not harder at their relationship. We were encouraged to make a list of 10 non-genital ways we could show love to our spouse, and then compare notes. At that time, we did all that we were asked, but I never fully brought SPICE into our marriage.

I am blogging this topic tonight as I am in need of a refresher course.  I am so blessed by my marriage of 9 years.  I could not ask for a better spouse or partner in life.  That said, is SO easy to be consumed by busyness, children, responsibilities...life, and forget the needs of your spouse.

Helpmate.  I am called to be a helpmate.  The etymology of the word, specifically points to Genesis 2:28, God's creation of woman to be a helper for man.  Most online dictionaries refer to helpmate as "specifically: wife". 

Spinning off from Magnify the Lord's Marriage Monday posts, for myself I am starting the SPICE it up challenge.  My prayer and goal this week is to have an understanding heart.  It is so easy to expect/demand help at the end of a long day.  Yet, at that time, I am the one called to be a helpmate (my love...if you are reading....I will do my best).

I am a fan of SPICE...but how has it impacted my marriage?  I can not ask others to do what I am not.

This week I shall:
 
S - pray for my husband daily
P - daily embrace initiated by me "just because"
I - 5 Love Language Assessment (more in a future post)
C - do the dishes joyfully
E - sit down with my husband when he arrives home & converse about the day

about that brokenness part

Today was a horrible day in my history of parenting.

I could be calling this "confessions of a horrible parent".  I could easily be sharing about how my family is being investigated by cps (we aren't).  I could be sharing how ____ child was injured by X, Y or Z.  Or worse.

There is truly no such thing as a perfect parent and I SWEAR it is only by the grace of God that our children survive their youth.  Today, I give thanks for guardian angels who work over time, especially protecting my children.  I give thanks for other guardian angels that intervene on their behalf.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Dear Blog, thank you for being my therapy today.

Blessed and Broken

Thanks for following me over here!  I have wanted to change the name of my blog and site address for a while.  I finally took the plunge.  When I started my blog (bringing home baby?), it was in anticipation of one day parenthood.  We have been so blessed to bring home not one, but three babies.  This new title more aptly suits where I am/we are today.

growing our family through foster care

In honor of National Adoption Month, Foster 2 Forever is sponsoring a blog hop.


When you google "National Adoption Month" the frist link that pops up is US Dept of Health & Human Services, Child Welfare Gateway.  In the first paragraph you read, it states over 100,000 children are waiting for permanent homes in the foster care system.  At the same time over 7 million women in the US are suffering infertility, or about 1 in 8 couples (resolve website).

As I said before, I wish I could cut through the red tape and start knocking on some of these doors with some of these beautiful kids.

Adoption through foster care is a tremendous blessing, one that I wish more people would take advantage of.  When I just wanted to be a mom, fostering seemed so big and intimidating.  Now, as a foster parent, I realize there is nothing to fear.  Fostering has taught me how to love deeper.  God has blessed me with two beautiful children as a result of stepping out in courage.  Our first adoption "Auggie" was finalized on July 14th.  We are looking forward to our second adoption of "Catie" possibly in the early spring.  Both of these beautiful children came to us as babies.  In the end, the process was far easier than anything we had previously looked into about international adoption.  Not to mention, 20,000 times more affordable.

Consider opening up your hearts and your home to the blessing of a  foster child (or children).  It will change your life (and theirs) forever.  

the most fun a Catholic mother can have...

is to dress her children up as little saints!  Sorry about the pic quality, my camera is dying.  And St Augustine has yet to be captured on film.

St Faustina

THE coolest snack!  St Cookies made by the lovely hostess.

St Therese of Liseux rose sandwiches

St Patrick fruit shamrock with pot of gold

our case

Following up on an earlier statement, I would just like to clarify when I said mom unsigned.

I was not surprised at the report, nor was I particularly concerned.  Our case is still progressing and overall her parents have done little to nothing to get her back.  Dad's rights are terminated (though I still can't quite figure out how this works exactly in the foster care system...more in second).  Mom has made not attempt to resume visitation.  The social worker will continue to move forward with the termination hearings.

Regarding TPR...this is what I have experienced and what applies to foster care in our county/state:

• Termination of parental rights can happen either voluntarily (they sign) or involuntarily (they don't sign).  Involuntary TPR looks bad on the parent's record.
  
• In the case with Augie, neither parent wanted to sign...understandably.  They wanted him.  BUT they were not compliant with the changes they needed to make in their lives.  Our social worker filed for the termination hearing (for involuntary)  It was scheduled for Feb 28th.  After she finished her reports (a lengthy process from what I understand) - they signed, right before the termination hearing.  This made her reports unnecessary to the case as well as extended the process for us.
    
• After a parent signs, they have 30 days to revoke, or change their minds.  After the 30 day period, a confirmation of consent hearing is scheduled.  After that hearing there is an an additional 30 day waiting period.  If you are thinking what I am thinking....So, what does that mean?  Can they change their minds after the confirmation hearing??  I don't think so, but I am not exactly sure what that second waiting period is for. 

I was told by our last adoption worker that she has never seen a case passed to the adoption unit where the child then went back to live with his/her parents.  This does not account for relatives showing up during this period, however.

• After the termination hearings are all said and done and after the 30 day waiting period, THEN you can file petitions to adopt.  With Augie TPR was all said and done in May and we adopted him in July. 

Reading other foster blogs, I have learned that cases seem to be handled so differently from place to place. 

I have learned to love that my county does a great deal of research up front to identify a possible kinship resource.  In both the case of Augie and Catie, we had to wait out/overcome the biological aunt that wanted them.  The benefit of this process is that is largely handled upfront, rather than on the back end.  For example, we knew about the aunts in both cases and still choose to accept the placements.   If our kinship research department was not strong (or that was not a priority) these women could have popped up later and unexpectedly, causing a great deal of fear, delays or worse. 

And back to Catie.  We had our first visit with the adoption social worker.  She is young and the young ones tend to fill the space more with words that potentially get your hopes up.  I learned this after many hours of sitting with our last, very experienced adoption worker said very little and just enjoyed the coffee and kids.  Our new caseworker is in the process of scheduling TPR.  I believe they try to terminate on the same day.  Although one signed and one unsigned...so not sure how this happens (they are two different types of hearings).  If mom comes forward and signs again...stick another 30 day wait in here anywhere.

Social worker hopes to possibly schedule tpr hearing by the end of the year.  She said to keep in mind everyone is vacationing around this time for the holidays, so it may not happen before 2012.  BUT, if it does...we could potentially have an adoption by February!!  OKAY...let me just inject a bit of realism here....I have learned to never believe timelines from young social workers (mrs. experience rarely offered a timeline).  BUT it is sure easy to run with that idea in one's head! 

Catie is JUST.ON.THE.CUSP of crawling.  Maybe this week?  She gets on all fours and does that adorable wiggle all the time.  I love her!  Thanks to Veggie Tales playing frequently in our home, I am often singing Catie Manateee.... you are the one for me....sent from up above...you are the one I love (one I love). 

Ruffles!

I have never been known for setting fashion trends, but in the last two weeks (since I changed over my wardrobe for fall/winter) I have had an intense desire for feminine looking tops. 

I realized that every time I wear a top with ruffles, I am complemented.  My profile picture has a shirt I love (with ruffles). 

 On my anniversary, I wore a cute ruffled shirt.  I don't pull it too often because it has a poof that makes me look pg, but I have tucked into an adorable skirt with pockets and received 4 complements out on date night. 

I tried my theory again today with another cotton ruffle shirt, and yes...complement!

When facing down my closet full of formless or even tight fitting unfemininely shaped sweaters, I am dreaming of ruffles. 

Sure enough, go to my favorite store under blouses and there are lots of ruffles.  So, for the first time, I am pinning something into my style section of Pinterest that I have not copied from someone else's cute outfit. 

Thanks to Magnify the Lord and God's Plan for getting me thinking about fashion.  :)

Reflections from Adoration

Every October our parish hosts a month of adoration.  Today I had the great privilege to attend, thanks to the fantastic idea of a friend who suggested a kid-swap.  In this little chapel, I have prayed through many years of struggles.  Due to the blessing of my children, this is the first time I have been able to attend in a few years. 

I had a fantastic time of reflecting upon the goodness of the Lord.  As I was wrapping up my time, I felt the Lord calling me to Psalm 13.  In my bible it was entitled "Prayer in Time of Illness".  "Ummm, God?"  But I read through.

Psalm 13
I

2How long, LORD? Will you utterly forget me?

How long will you hide your face from me?^a

3How long must I carry sorrow in my soul,

grief in my heart day after day?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

II
4Look upon me, answer me, LORD, my God!
Give light to my eyes lest I sleep in death,
5Lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed,”
lest my foes rejoice at my downfall.^b

III
6But I trust in your faithfulness.
Grant my heart joy in your help,
That I may sing to the LORD,
"How good our God has been to me!"^c

* [Psalm 13] A typical lament, in which the psalmist feels forgotten by God (Ps 13:2–3)—note the force of the repetition of “How long.” The references to enemies may suggest some have wished evil on the psalmist. The heartfelt prayer (Ps 13:4–5) passes on a statement of trust (Ps 13:6a), intended to reinforce the prayer, and a vow to thank God when deliverance has come (Ps 13:6b).

At part III it started to make sense.  I reread it a couple of times and then my time in this little chapel made even more sense.   For so many years I felt forgotten by God.  I was carrying sorrow in my soul from the burden of Infertility.  That particular cross shook my faith to the core.  Through the years my husband and brother in law (a priest) would try to offer encouragement and words of inspiration.  I did not see the face of God in my suffering.  I was mad. 

I struggled, truly struggled through this.  I wanted to find God but WHY would He make the greatest desire of my heart to be a mother and then withhold from me that ability, that gift. 

My all time favorite verse, as I matured in my struggle, was from Genesis.  The story of Jacob wrestling with the angel.  If you have not read it, go!  It is from Genesis 32 verse 25-29.  The line...my life line: "But Jacob said, “I will not let you go until you bless me.”

Tonight we celebrated our anniversary with a lovely evening out.  I am SO blessed with my children and it is SO nice to have a night with out them with the man who started it all.

For me, it did take being blessed to truly speak that last verse.  I can look in reflection and pray "I trust in your faithfulness. Grant my heart joy in your help, That I may sing to the LORD,"How good our God has been to me!"

 

9 years ago

9 years ago I woke up from my last night of singleness.

In my journal I wrote:

"It is here!  Today I will be a bride - and I will walk down the aisle and share vows with Paul.  I am so excited and my heart is bursting as I write this.  Praise Jesus for the joy in my heart right now.  I can't even comprehend the enormity of this great covenant - yet my hope and trust are in the Lord who has brought me this far" 

My freshman year of college I gave up dating for lent.  Yes...I was a bit boy crazy and it was a perfectly legitimate sacrifice.  :)  One that ended up changing my life in a significant way.  As I offered that sacrifice to the Lord, I felt Him urging me to make a 3 year commitment to Him.  To give up dating for 3 years.  That same week, in my secular college bookstore, I stumbled upon this newly released book and about had a heart attack.  It was God's gift to me.

The next man I fell in love with was my husband, 5 years later. 

Those 5 years were my gift to God and to my future husband.  In the same way, my husband committed his heart to me years before we met.  God did write our love story.  What a glorious day!

I will save more wedding day reflections for anniversary #10.  At the prompting of Betty Beguiles I am going to share a bit about our honeymoon.

We choose Banff, Canada.  We had Canada in mind and one our my bridesmaids had chosen that as their location, two months before us.  We followed their recommendation.  It was gorgeous!   Hiking, horseback riding, views, glaciers.

And apart from the silly stories for our private memoirs....here are a few moments we will never forget:
- Our first night I wanted to start a fire in our fireplace at the hotel while my hubby was downstairs picking up a pizza. He came up and in the room as smoke was billowing out and our smoke detector was going off. I had forgotten to open the flue. Thank goodness our hotel was not evacuated.
-  Drinking hot chocolate spiked with peppermint schnapps and playing scrabble in front of the lobby fireplace
- Watching The Ring in the theater and then immediately dragging Paul (who was terribly hungry) back in the theater to watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding, again...to get the horror movie off my mind....we also had to switch hotels as a result of this move as we were in a cabin-like place at the time.
- Eating at the Grizzly House, our favorite by far. 
- Loving the hot springs, and then learning later that my husband made that ultimate sacrifice for me (he does not do hot)
- Dreaming about our future and our family...which couldn't come soon enough.  9 years later we are so truly blessed beyond our wildest dreams.

the reality

Lest I trick people into thinking foster care is easy, let me take a few minutes to share the reality.

First, mom revoked.  Essentially, this means she unsigned.  I am not sure if it is just in our state or just a foster care thing, but after signing TPR, parents have 30 days to change their minds.  Our social worker discussed this possibility with us.  I was prepared for the possibility. 

Foster care is hard.  Parents are not willingly giving up their children.  While there are in fact some completely horrific parents (abusers, for example), most parents love their children and just can not care for them (or care for themselves).  Putting myself in baby love's mother's shoes, I can see why she revoked.  She has a mother's heart.  I imagine most women would suffer deep agony in the process of letting go of their child.  Our social worker mentioned one mother she had who signed and revoked three separate times.  While our process would be quicker had she not revoked, I am also grateful to see that piece of her "mother's" heart.  She is attempting to change herself for the good of her child.  

Foster care is hard.  You don't want to see parents fail.  Being a foster parent is unique; Especially for the pre-adoptive foster parents (those seeking to adopt).  While you can not imagine letting go of the child you love, you are also witness to something very sad.  In many cases, you are witness to lives falling apart or people struggling who can not overcome their difficulties.  I remember with Augie's parents, I almost wanted to adopt them and teach them.  There are so many people in place through the system that are attempting to offer help, mentorship, etc.  Ultimately, changing is the decision of the parent and in my limited experience, I have yet to witness such a change.    

Foster care is hard.  Even fostering a newborn, you are fostering a child who was likely neglected in utero.  While I can venture to say most foster kids face major challenges (physically, mentally); Here I can only speak for my personal experience.  Augie's mom was taking medication that likely zapped her folic acid.  As a result, Augie has a minor MINOR form of spina bifida.  As a result, I learned the ins and outs of the children's hospital.  I was by his side as he went under anesthesia on two separate occasions for two separate MRIs.  We had early intervention appointments in our home for a year.

"Catie" (baby love) was born severely drug addicted.  As in the most drug addicted baby the hospital had ever witnessed.  She was in the hospital for the first four months of her life.  She spent the first six months fighting to overcome her forced addiction and still struggles as a result today.  She is not a fan of bottles, teething and little kids trying to hold her.  When she is upset she makes sure the neighborhood knows it.  Overall she is wonderful and I love her desperately.  Because of her I have learned the ins and outs of a second children's hospital and we have resumed weekly therapy sessions for early intervention.

Foster care is hard.  There is no such thing as predictable.  I have said multiple times, the only predictable part of fostering is it is unpredictable.  We fell in love with Catie in May.  She was not available, then she was available.  Then not available, then available.  Over and over and over again.  Her case was SO back and forth it was ridiculous.  She came to live with us officially on August 3rd.  At the end of August we had a two hour court session before a week long wait for a verdict.  I am grateful that the judge ruled that she should remain with us.  After all that, at any time someone else could pop up.  Something in the case could drastically change.  You have to learn to roll with the punches.  I am pretty sure I know the direction this case will go (as with Augie).  I truly feel that God wanted her to be a part of our lives.  For how long, I don't know...but I am optimistic.

BUT, Foster Care is a Blessing!  When I was in the throes of infertility, we were also struggling to get our fiances under control.  We had not met Dave Ramsey soon enough and were battling credit card debt, student loans, home equity loan, etc etc etc.  I had NO idea how we would ever EVER afford adoption.  I remember struggling to wrap my brain around the idea of why I had to have 20k to become a mom.  I didn't get foster care then.  We were afraid of the unknown.  It was all in God's perfect plan for us.  Rosie was meant to be our introduction into parenthood.  All that prepared us for welcoming Augie and Catie via foster care. 

I could go on and on about the blessings.  For so many years I longed for a child.  I cried for a child.  It seemed impossible.  On this side, I see so many children.  I was in the waiting room at children & youth on Tuesday.  I watched as a beautiful little girl (probably about 6) sat nervously with a woman, clearly not mom or foster mom.  I watched as a social worker explained she would need to think of who she wanted to live with.  "I want to live with my mom" she said.  I watched as the social worker explained that "mommy needs to get better and you need to think of what kind of foster family you would like."  Previous to that conversation, we were exchanging smiles as she was watching the adorable baby on my lap (everyone watches my adorable baby).  After seeing that conversation, I literally wanted to jump up, grab her, hug her and tell her I am a foster mom.  I wanted to ask if she wanted to come live with us!  Reality got the best of me.  Timing is SOOOO not right.  I have seen so many beautiful kids and want so much to just love them all. 

I wish I could be the one to start pairing these kids up with my hurting friends.  I know so many fantastic couples/families.  I wish I could just cut through the red tape and start matching.  I would not be the one to honor the expectations of what the waiting couples were looking for.  Instead, I would be knocking on their door with kid adorable, baby needs a home, the little girl who needs a family to stay with.  Becoming a foster mother, I have learned to ask not for what I want but for who needs me the most.

I don't know how but I also trust that God is able to use my experiences to open the door for someone else to try fostering.  I was blessed to follow on the coat tails of one friend.  I hope others will follow on ours.