on lost joy

(Started writing on Thursday)

I am sitting in the quiet of the house.  Having just loaded Rosie on the bus and not yet awakened my two little crazies.  A theme has been circling my brain recently...a theme that comes up repeatedly in my life.  Joy.  Even trying to title this blog leads me to reflect on joy?  What is it?  Why did I have it once?  Where did it go?  How can I find it again? 

As I sat down to type, I decided upon a quick google search for quotes and stumbled upon many from CS Lewis.  A man who has clearly thought significantly more about this topic that I have.   In his book, Surprised by Joy, he writes:
"it is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which is a technical term and must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that, and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasure in the world. But then Joy is never in our power and pleasure often it."

Thank goodness for philosophers to make more sense of these things.  Joy is something I feel I once had and have since lost.  Being named Elisabeth I have always loved the image of the Visitation.  Within Elizabeth's womb, the infant, "leapt for joy."  Two years ago I had the opportunity to attend a conference and be prayed over by Neal Lozano.  He is an incredible man.  In his blessing over me, he brought forth that image and prayed for joy over me.  

(Returning to this writing on Saturday)

So, the elusive joy.  When I became a mother there was definitely a honeymoon period where I was so filled with joy.  I remember being tired...but I don't remember anger until my newborn became a toddler.  She was very VERY loud. I recal posting on an online forum about her manipulating behaviors.  Another mother challenged me that perhaps I was perceiving her as more advanced than she was.

With the transition to toddlerhood, came the loss of control.  With the loss of control, I began to experience the loss of joy. 

In my 6 years as a parent, there have been profound moments of gratitude...but limited moments of joy.  I could go back to giving birth vs adopting (where there were no happy hormones flooding my body)...but ultimately, I think if all my babies were from my womb, I would still struggle with anger & pine for joy.

It has been awhile since I spoke with Dr D.  As I mentioned the cost of two private schools has taken control of those funds in our budget.  One of the themes I was most interested in was the idea to "make your house a cloister".  The image of a cloister is one of peace, order, joy.  Perhaps the peace & order are impossible with children?  But I am for sure trying.  

Nesting is helping us declutter and bring peace to areas of our home that have been in chaos.  The energy to keep things clean is not present...but it is a prayer.  So...the home, is a big source of stress...but then, the kids.  

I so long to find joy in my children. I long to see them as God sees them.  I long to live in peace with them.  I long for them to have a mama that is filled with joy.  This...is where I pray for my miracle.   Parenting is suffering.  Parenting is laying down your wants, your life, for your children.  So...this elusive joy is only going to come from learning to suffer well.  

I am not quite sure how to do that...but every single day I have another opportunity to try.  I am a mama that is going to stay put.  And keep trying.  And...if joy is not meant for me in this life, I am so grateful it is available in heaven.

Wahhhhh!

First day of K is hardest on mama!!  Have a wonderful day sweet girl!! 

Quick Take Friday: back to school edition

1. On Tuesday we officially start year 2 of not-homeschooling. I have so many mixed feelings.  This is the blog where I attempt to work my way through those feelings.

2. As I think about things like sending my first born back into the world...and possibly via a big, scary school bus...all my confidences about school are replaced with thoughts about all the worst case scenarios that could happen to my precious 6 year old.  You simply can not protect them from everything.  That is scary.  That requires trust...and prayer.  

3. Today marks one month to go till D-day.  With an almost newborn, a 2 year old and a 3 year old - I am grateful that formal school will give our family a routine that I don't feel I could provide in this busy season of our life.  I do feel peace with our decision.  That decision, however, comes with a great cost. If the expense worth the routine?

4. Rosie is entering full day 5 day kindergarten at our parish school.  Augie is starting 3 year old two day half day pre-k at another church school.  Normally I would not send my 3 year old to school....but, in this case, I believe it will benefit us all in responding to his special needs.  Two private schools equates to adding a car payment to our monthly expenses.  Extra expenses...such as therapy and miscellaneous spending are not in the budget any longer.  I know the pastor uses the mantra you have to sacrifice to send your kids to Catholic school.  Catholic school....

5. Perhaps we are doing it from peer pressure.  The very large majority of our friends send their kids to the parish school.  Perhaps because if not homeschooling, it is the only other option for my husband.  Until recently I was not against public school.  But then....you realize....just how worldly even public elementary schools can become.  And recently, public school fell off my list of possibilities.  And so our options...teach or pay.

6. There are no homeschool co ops that exists within my parish community.  I am sure co ops exist...just none that I am aware of yet.  If I was surrounded by homeschooling families and a network of mentors, that would surely make a difference.  As it is, I am a public schooled mom married to my catholic schooled husband. No experience, no mentors, no homeschooling peer pressure...it is easier to take the path most traveled (here), in the midst of this stressful season.  I have a plethora of moms to help me navigate the parish school.

7. Year by year.  This year, this is the right decision for our family.  Rosie could not be MORE excited and as I snuggled Augie tonight...I started to reflect on what school would mean for him.  Being the middle child/second born...he takes a good amount of grief (not all undeserved ;-).  I had the thought "will I cry when I drop him off?"  A new challenge to my heart.  I am excited for the world before them...it is thrilling to watch the wide open eyes of my children.  Year by year, i will try my best to choose & provide what i feel is best for them.

First day pictures coming soon. 

Linking up with Jen: http://www.conversiondiary.com/2013/08/7-quick-takes-friday-vol-229.html

new pictures new pictures!

and an updated About Us page.

quick takes - on getting there

1. 34 w 5 d
difficult to breathe, challenging to get up from sitting or laying down, heart burn, reflux, can't stand too long, have to pee all the time...and holy smokes...I am having a baby!!!! so grateful to God for this gift of life within.  grateful for His trust and I am not worthy.  baby hiccups, kicks, head buts, tiny movements inside of me...and now the necessity to think in terms of getting this child out and holding a precious fresh from God newborn.  (not a tweeter...but hashtag grateful)

2.

a most beautiful and captivating book.  add to your wish list!

3. Wednesday I attended a Mass of Thanksgiving for a new Gianna Center affiliate opening in my diocese.  After Mass I had the chance to pray (once again) with St Gianna's gloves.  I placed them over my very large womb and prayed for a safe delivery.  Immediately after that prayer my prayers went towards all those I know who are still begging God for a healthy baby in arms.  My thoughts went to the last person I was fervently praying for while holding her gloves. For those who have suffered miscarriages, I prayed for you.  For those who have not yet conceived, I prayed for you. St Gianna Molla, pray for us!

4.  My husband's colleague mentioned something to the fact that "your wife is REALLY pregnant."  Why yes, yes I am.  Meanwhile my (almost) 6 year old declared me fat.   Starting to navigate some of these new conversations with her.  The world is pressing in and I am trying but not quite sure how to push back.  Lord, protect our daughters and help us teach them well.

5. On teaching her well...Rosie has made it through two whole rosaries this week.  She led 4 out of 5 decades in the car the other day.  She can also recite the St Michael prayer and told me she says it if she wakes at night scared.  So proud!

6. School.  As I watch many people post about school, about homeschooling, about getting ready...I am grateful that for now, we can afford catholic education.  Rosie will be starting K.  Augie will be attending a 3 year old pre-k 5 hours a week to obtain services from the intermediate unit.  I feel no pull to home school yet.  I can't imagine catholic education all the way through...but for now...we are here.

7.  Last weekend was Catie's half-sister's 17th birthday party.  Her first ever.  She entered into foster care last fall and we have been slowly building a relationship with her and her foster mom.  For T's sake, as well as Catie.  Today I received the most precious thank you note from a girl who is probably writing them for the first time ever.  It included the words "thank you for trying to play kick ball" (just picture that for a second, and yeah :-) .  I am very grateful she is in a good home.  I really can not see her in ours.  But grateful still for the opportunity to have a biological connection for Catie.  Wish I could share the sweet pics!

So I will leave on a note about Older Child Adoptions with THIS sweet story.

(yet another) quick take sunday

so..maybe it is just because the exciting parts only happen on the weekends?

1. Friday Night was amazing.  I was surrounded by lots of beautiful women very close to my heart for what has to be the most faith-filled baby shower ever.  The grace and gift of these women was so palpable for me.  I am humbled by their generosity and even more grateful for their presence in my life.  Four children equals four god mothers and they were all there.  The night was kicked off with the most incredible prayer...I am still waiting for a copy to share...but the part that struck me was "dear lord let me not harm these children in my care."

a gummy "craving" bar

yet another craving...there was much sugar to be had

the beautiful hostess

gifts from women of faith

2. Saturday.  Wedding day for one of the most beautiful brides I have seen.  There is just something about a Catholic wedding...especially when the bride radiates purity.  I have known the bride since before she was in high school.  She eagerly read my copy of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and made a commitment to not date, probably while she was in the 8th grade.  I was honored to be her youth minister and she soaked up everything.  Even when I only had two teens attending a particular bible study...she was committed.  She was with me in a small group of studying through Theology of the Body for teens.  And I was with her for her first Steubenville youth conference, where I witnessed her falling madly in love with our Lord.  I walked with her though years of discerning a religious vocation...she wanted to be cloistered (what teen thinks like that?).  When her parents requested she attend college first, I was thrilled when she selected Franciscan University.  I have been so honored to know H through the years and watch her mature into the beautiful young woman she has become.  I have loved getting to know her now husband, who happens to be a dear friend of a fellow blogger and long time internet friend.  While it was difficult to watch H's path stray from her passion for religious life...I could not imagine a more perfect fit.  M is very worthy of his beautiful bride and I look forward to watching them grow in holiness & love.  Also...jealous they live near Mrs Mike...and not me!  

loved seeing them pull into the gas station on our way out!!

3. Sunday.  Peaches!!

Last weekend was picking:

This weekend was processing:

Can not wait to enjoy them!  Right now, from the shower, we are still filled to the brim with sweets...so pies will have to wait.  The beauty of canning. 

4. As a result of #1 & #2 I was wiped.out today!  My body definitely rebels & lets me know when I do too much.  Grateful that even with canning peaches, today was a day of rest. 

5. I met with a new midwife who informed me in April my urine test was GBS+.  Since April I have met with 4 other midwives who have not mentioned it before, so not sure yet if I need to worry.  I will be retested at 36 weeks.  I am also borderline anemic, which means iron rich foods.  Top of my list are cream of wheat and liverwurst.  Organ meats are not my deal.  Finally, I got to see the birth pool at the birth center.  There are many reasons we would not be able to utilize it...but I am hopeful!  It looked like a lovely place to labor/birth.  Baby is doing well.  Oh, the (new/young) midwife also thought baby was posterior and recommended time on my hands and knees.  Not the most comfortable thing to do at this point so I am doing what I can while I await another opinion in a week and a half. 

6. I pulled out the baby girl clothes this week.  It is a bit ridiculous how YELLOW the stains turn while they sit in the bins.  After many washes, oxi soaks and a grass/sun drying...I think they look clean & new. Stains are usually not my thing.  My mother will come to town and purchase every stain remover known to man to fill my cupboard.  I can use each of those and still have no luck getting out stains.  My mom also purchased a book called Stain Rescue a few years back.  I am finally using some of the tips and was able to get felt tip marker out of Augie's church pants this morning.  That was kind of exciting.  Perhaps the bin of clothes being saved for my mother (the queen of all stain removing) will not be so big when she arrives.  

7. My in laws arrive tomorrow.  Looking forward to the visit and the help.  

  

a dirty little secret about adoption

As I opened this page to start to write...a thought dawned on me.  I have a book (sitting 2' above my head in my new office book shelves) that I need to read.  I just pulled it off the shelf.

Recently a fellow foster adoptive mom blogged about the importance of touch to our children.  She gushed over the fact that she relished sharing hugs and contact with her kids through the day.  Her three oldest are biological, her two youngest are adopted from foster care.  

I have been struggling with being maternal.  It comes naturally with Rosie (my bio).  It is significantly more challenging with Augie & Catie.  Augie seeks out hugs and love and is very touch oriented...so he does actually get plenty of affection.  Catie is the opposite.  

In the bible study I mentioned recently, my resolution for the week was to comfort my children when they fall or get hurt.  I had to force myself to pick up and embrace Catie yesterday after she tripped.  

Many adoptive families have only grown through adoption...so perhaps they don't experience this to the same extent as myself, for example, with bio & adopted kiddos.  While my love does not differ, and while I would truly do anything for any of them...my maternal affections need some help.  

I have shared before that I feel deeply that these differences come from the lack of bonding through birth and being deprived of the ability to nurse them.  I did not have the physical maternal experience with bonding hormones for Augie & Catie.  This is where "love is a choice" comes into the repertoire.  I recognize this is something I need to change.  Sometimes we have to force change along by doing things that are not natural or comfortable.  

I am not sure if the above book has information to this affect.  I am hopeful that I will be able to report back with more insight on the topic after I have processed it (and hopefully lived it) further.  

have you heard about sarah?

In April I shared a bit about my trip to FL.  I was able to get to spend a little time with my long lost BFF.

She has been the youth minister at a huge parish in Melbourne for ions.  She has quite a legacy...but I was privileged to spend a big of time in a private concert from one of her former teens.

Sarah Kroger is rocking her way up the Catholic charts and you must listen!  She has frequented the Steubenville circut in past years and debuted in Rio this past week.

Her #2 album was just released on itunes.  Her #1 is not to be missed either.  Please be tempted to purchase the beautiful music of the lovely Sarah Kroger!


 

my crazy BFF & Sarah

another dear friend

she was so sweet to allow us to worship with her...and then photo bomb her

girls night out, private concert followed by drinks on the beach with some of the best girls around

Quick Take Friday

These have to be really quick.  Catie has OT in 42 minutes!

1. I love love love having a finished (finally) downstairs for our office/play/family space.  Oh what a difference flooring makes to making something finished.

2. Oh my tukas!  Last night I was leaning on an office chair, and kerplunk, knocked the whole thing over.  I am okay, but hit my thigh/tukas.  Glad there is time for this bruise to heal before birth.  Husband reminded me that I am a bit top heavy these days.

3. We have been loving the pool.  Augie, age 3.5 is doing a really nice job at learning to swim (the independent way); while Rosie, almost 6 is learning by example, parents and swim class.  Augie is definitely the fish of the family.

4. Outside.  Heaven.  Our local temps dropped from close to 100 down to 70 in the last two days.  Windows open, kids once again allowed to play outside.  Love it!

5. my name is Elisabeth and I am addicted to the iphone.  It is like crack (disclaimer: i have never done an illegal drug in my life).  The last month I have so not tried to give it up on Wednesdays and Sundays.  The ultimate sacrifice that I can.not.make...but must keep trying.  Oh that I could find the joy in my children instead of trying to avoid them all day. 

6. Every week in the bible study I mentioned in this post, we set a goal, or a step to take for that week.  This past week my anger goal was to count to 10 in an anger situation.  In the video that accompanies the study, Jeff Cavin mentioned a really interesting point.  It takes 1-3 seconds for someone to get riled up with anger, which physiologically changes your body.  It can take 30 minutes for that physiological response to anger to subside.  Oh how I can relate to this!  So my goal it to count to 10 and try to stop the response before it happens.  Yesterday I forgot my goal, had to go back and re-read it.  The fortunate thing is that I have not had a need to use it at all this week.  This week's study is on fear.  For me the whole of the study comes back to the anger issue for me.  So the alternative to negative fear = peace & trust in the Lord.  I am seeking peace...specifically in the home.  More on that later.

7. A crazy thing happened this week.  I mentioned before that my brother in law, Fr K, was taking a 2 week pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago (the Way of St James) in Spain.  They arrived in Santiago de Compostella just in time for the vigil & feast day festivities of St James.  The same day a massive train crash happened in the same town, killing 80 people....and subsequently cancelling all feast day events.  I am so grateful that the tradition is for pilgrims to walk into the town...though I know there were others on that train arriving to the town for the event.  Today, the group is to board the train and ride the opposite direction back to Madrid...flying home on Saturday.  Eternal Rest grant unto the dead.  I am grateful for the protection that was over Fr K & the FOCUS pilgrims that day.

Happy Weekend.

on anger

"It is better not to allow anger, however just and reasonable, to enter at all, than to admit it in ever so slight a degree; once admitted, it will not be easily expelled, for, though at first but a small plant, it will immediately grown into a large tree."  St Augustine

And rooting out a large tree ain't an easy job!

I am working through a bible study by Jeff & Emily Cavins called "Walking Toward Eternity."  Each week is a scripture study on a problem topic.  We have covered "Engaging Your Appetites", "Engaging Your Shame", "Engaging Your Envy", and this is my week, "Engaging Your Anger."

The above quote....providentially from my one of my son's patron saints, reminds me of the beginning of my journey to healing.  I was called scrupulous, encouraged that I was a good mother and made to feel that I was exaggerating the issue.  "Anger is not a bad thing" I was told.

Anger is "an emotion which is not in itself wrong, but which, when it is not controlled by reason or hardens into resentment and hate, becomes one of the seven capital sins.  Christ taught that anger is an offence against the fifth commandment."  Catechism Glossary

I am so grateful that I have entered into this journey of trying to root out the anger I had let grow in my heart.  "Once admitted, it will not be easily expelled."  Boy is that the truth!  It has been 18 months since I started on this journey (starting with a Padre Pio incident) and about 9 months of intense working on chopping down the tree.  Anger still rears it's ugly head more frequently than I care to admit.


This week I came down hard on Catie.  Walking down the hall shortly afterwards, Padre Pio, in a prayer card, was staring back at me from the floor.  I know it was either God or Padre Pio who placed himself in my direct path.

That look of..."ELISABETH" was all I needed.  Confession is on my agenda for this weekend.

Did I mention to you that our baby is due on his feast day?  I think he has adopted me as his spiritual child.  All I ever did was pray a novena.  :-)  Padre Pio is a warrior saint for sinners.  I am humbled and grateful for his attention to my soul.

So tonight I pray though Day 2 of my 4 day anger study that will conclude with Lectio Divina.  Lord, open my heart to receive your words.  

Quick Take Friday (on Sunday)

1. I am dying to get that  pink (hello food coloring) cake out of sight when I open my blog.  Thrilled it's a girl, but that cake...oy...very very pink.

2.  I am loving the adoption stories that flooded my blog and facebook recently.  Adoptions truly can happen in the most miraculous and unexpected ways.  If you are pursuing adoption or feel called to pursue adoption, do not despair!  Even after failed adoptions...God is faithful.  I know that He uses every small detail of our life to lead us in dependence on Him.

3. Nesting.  I love it.  It really took until my 3rd trimester to get my bum peeled off the couch/bed/place of rest...but I am loving the motivation to get rid of crap!  With the addition of #4 I am needing to get serious about the amounts of clothing coming into and going out of this house.  I have been a grateful recipient of hand me downs - but really, this is too.much!!  I pulled out all the clothes to change seasons a few months back.  They are coming down and we are weeding out again.  I know of a mom that only kept 7 seasonal outfits in rotation for her kids, to try to keep this problem at bay.  If I can get down to 10...I think I would be doing good.  Any tips for bin keeping/clothes-clutter clearing is appreciated!

4. I wish I would have/could have foster/adoption nested...my house would be much better off.

5. 2.5 months to go!  Everyone that has asked me "how are you feeling" has gotten the response that I am not as bothered by the heat as I expected.  That answer rang true until we camped in 90 degree heat this weekend.  I am grateful that the AC and my bed have helped my ankles return to normal size.  I feel the baby move all the time and it is a glorious feeling.  I am so truly blessed to experience this again.

6.  Our weekend project involved painstakingly scraping all the paint we applied to our concrete basement floor when we could not decide on/afford the right flooring for the space.  We finally settled on carpet squares for ease of replacement & because we have a hugely uneven lower level.  The space is finally coming together and it is so nice to have something other than dirty painted concrete.

We are 90% done with the space and I hope to share some final pics before too long!

7. 40 minutes to Monday and posting my Friday quick takes.  Story of my life. Good night!

The Reveal

We are having a Clare Therese!

it's a...

yeah...not letting you off that easy.  Birthday (reveal) cake is in the fridge for tomorrow (Sunday) night.

And...let us know what you think it is...Vote Please!

And if you are one of those belly analyzers, here is me at 27 weeks (yesterday):

I will keep you posted.  :-)  

Oh...and for the record I did tell my hubby that if it is a girl, we may have to return to fostering one day to bring just one more boy into the house (though I am living with a floor peeing 3 year old danger boy right now, and sisters are just great!).  

"God knew you needed a Catie"

Oh therapy, how I love thee.

Well...this is not entirely true, but how I need thee....at least right now.  Perspective is everything.

Parenting children with special needs is tough work.  Take the responsibilities of your average child, and multiply that by three, at least.  Triple the doctors visits and add to that specialists, surgeries, therapies, tests, and more tests.

Before he turned three Augie had been under anesthesia three times.  Twice for MRIs and once for plastic surgery related to an accident.  Catie, now two and a half, just had her third surgery.  All three directly related to maternal drug use.

We practically know every OT, ST and PT in town.  And are well on our way to understanding the multiple levels of services from early intervention to the inner workings of the intermediate unit.

Would this be my life if I had birthed a child with special needs?  Absolutely.  But this is the life I choose....or rather, the life that choose me.  When Augie was placed with us there were no special needs identified.  We knew he was at risk of mental health issues (aren't we all?).  Since his placement we have been on a wild goose hunt to figure out exactly what is going on in his little mind & body.  Two steps forward, one step back.  He recently re-qualified for services through our IU.  Now we have to figure out whether to enroll him in preschool at age 3 to get him the services he needs.

Catie...we knew.  I feel in love and all the discussion about what we were open to accepting went out the window for love of her.

In discussion with Dr D I confessed I struggled with compassion...before even having children.  His immediate response was "God must have known you needed a Catie."

The paperwork, the appointments, the surgeries, the CONSTANT flow of therapists in and out of my house...it is a lot.  It is tough.  And then there are my children.  The comprehension issues, the speech issues, the attention issues, the behavior issues, the eating issues...they all bring out my crazy.

But then.  Then, there are my children.  The ones whom I so rarely get to step back and see with perspective.  These beautiful little souls that God sent into my life for very distinct purposes.  If they were not bringing out my crazy, my crazy would not be in the process of being healed.  It takes everything inside of me and step back to see them as God sees them.  I fail in doing this every single day.  And yet, God trusts me.  God believes in me.  He sent these poor, needy, struggling, abused little people to a mama who would love them until she had nothing left of herself.  I confessed to a friend that I am not myself during the stressful times.  I am not the person I thought I was.  I am certainly not the mom I thought I would be.  And every day I pick up my broken self and carry on, giving them everything I have within me.  Making the calls, the appointments, scheduling the therapists, the surgeries.  Trying to understand their special needs.  Trying to overcome my inadequacies and frustrations.

And this is the life God choose for me.  Because He knew I needed this.  I needed them.  Heaven ain't for those who just believe.  This is my Mother Theresa journey.  This is my Calcutta.   And I cling to the hope that saints are just the sinners that fall down and get back up.

on communication & the faith

My mother has long told me that she admired my husband's and my ability to communicate.  We are certainly not experts...but the longer I reside in adulthood, the more I realize how communication, especially between spouses, is an incredible gift...and one that is essential to practice & nurture.

I grew up in an extended family that did everything to avoid important or personal conversations.  There were lots of surface conversations,  lots of trying not to offend and  lots of dark secrets,  How do I know this all?  Because my mom rebelled against that mold.  She was a confidant to many and perhaps the only one who practiced faith as an adult.  I think these two are related.  Christ teaches us how to be a friend.

When I married into my husbands' family I saw the differences.  Within their extended family, there are many political & religious differences (same as mine), but these are often topics of family conversation.  I admire families that can respectfully engage in challenging conversation.

As Christians we are called, challenged, even required to share of our faith.  For someone who loves Christ, what she wants most is to share Him, especially with those she loves most.  However, in a family that does not communicate...this is a great challenge.  I have extended family that are not only not Christian, some are anti-Christian.  I love them.  They are my family.  I struggle with feeling judged...this feeling is rooted in pride.  But the hardest is the name calling.  When someone I love resorts to name calling, that is where respect goes out the window.  And that is my opportunity to unite my little sufferings to Christ, who was called all kinds of names...and still died for those who hated Him.

How can we grow if we are not challenged?  If everyone is to sit happily in their little bubbles and never be questioned, challenged or even called out....how do we become better human beings?  I am so grateful for the priest who had the courage to challenge my in the confessional.  I am on the road to becoming a better mother as a result of his challenge.  I am also encouraging my husband to call me out when he sees me falling short.  It is hard for him....I can't guarantee my response will be charitable....but we have to be able to help one another in our life's journey.  

We have to take risks in life.  Sometimes this means taking risks in family or with those we love.  Perhaps, this is one of the most challenging calls of Christianity...at least for me.  We love them, we accept them and ultimately we live by example.

But who are we as Christians if we are too afraid to invite them to join us in this incredible, blessed life?  

While I can blog about this...please don't mistake that for being a stellar apologist.  As Christians we should also be able to challenge one another....and this is so hard!  It starts with recognizing in my own life how far I am from the goal.  And in my weakness, I pray Christ can use me for the good of those I love.   

God, give us the courage to live & die for you.  Amen. 

Quick Takes -mobile edition

1. Just scheduled Catie for eye surgery.  She has lazy eye which was not helped after almost a year of drops (alternative to patching).  The weak eye also affects coordination & depth perception, two things she struggles with.  I hope the surgery will help her with those other issues.  Along with her surgery comes 3 more doctor visits which means 3 more sits to arrange.  Wishing I had family in town, sigh.

2. Rosie "graduates" from pre-k on Wed. I am sure I am not the only one who thinks pre-k & k "graduations" are a bit over done.  Never less I can't believe the school year is over.  

3. We joined the pool for the summer.  Looking forward to spending my hot summer days in cold water.

4. 23 weeks (almost 24) and measuring two weeks ahead.  The midwife said I have extra fluid.  Evidently there is nothing to worry about... Just that it might be a bit more uncomfortable.  My biggest issue is I have been telling people that I am 33 weeks.  Long summer ahead. :-)

5. Augie is 3 1/2.  I have just learned from friends this is a not nice age.  I am learning fast.  A new phase of rebellion.  I am blessed...and I am getting one step closer to heaven every day I make it through.

6. Mary.  Need her more & looking for a good devotion.  Thinking about the total consecration again.  

7. Baby names.  Almost there.  We at least have our saints figured out.  Perhaps we will reveal with the gender at the end of June?  30 days to go...

Happy Friday!  Find Jen here: 

http://www.conversiondiary.com/2013/05/7-quick-takes-friday-vol-219.html

mid week quick takes (aka late takes)

Mid week last week I wanted to blog...but decided to wait until Friday.  Then Friday came along and my inspiration had evaporated.  New inspiration has found its way back, so with that, here are my late-takes.

1. It is 12.19pm and I am sitting at my kitchen table.  My house is silent, except for the whirl of a lawnmower outside.  I am go grateful for Uncle K (our resident priest/brother/brother-in-law) who comes to save the day on his day off.  He took the kids out to the park and out for lunch.  I am so grateful for his vocation and the ways that it helps my vocation.

2.  Speaking of Uncle/Fr K...he arrived just in time to bless our first ever Mary garden!  I had been search for the perfect Mary for years.  The painted ones were never quite right.  The concrete ones were always so expensive.  I found this Mary at a Catholic bookstore.  She is heavy duty plastic, but you add concrete inside to weigh her down.  In front of her is a JPII rose bush in progress.  Our first one died and my mom lovingly cultivated and brought be a new clipping/bush.  I hope it likes it's new home better than the last one.

3. Timber Update.  We had the ultrasound.  It is a beautiful healthy baby!  We had the doctor write the gender down in an envelope to be revealed around DH & my birthday (end of June/beginning of July).  We hope to have a cake baked by someone who will make it blue or pink for us.  I am looking forward to finding out the news as a family (though we have a hunch).
Yesterday marked week 22.  I still can't believe the miracle that is this little life.  The doctor did our u/s and provided us with this face-on view (head on top, big belly on bottom)

4. Taking Kids to Mass.
This topic came up at a recent Marriage renewal program we are involved with.  The question was asked, by a deacon in training,  if he should say something to a woman with regularly misbehaving children who distracts him at daily Mass.  I didn't realize how emotional attached I am to the topic.  It is a tough subject and there is room for education on all fronts.  I believe I shared this articWhy we need kids at Mass."  It is excellent for the average person in the pew who may be irritated by the kids around them.  He then shared this article, "How to take young children to Mass" which is also excellent information for the parent.  We do try to utilize many of these techniques.  Ultimately, there is always room for education.  The idea of personally saying something to a particular woman or family makes me nervous.  One other mom suggested his approach be something like "do you need help?"  Proactive rather than reactive is a much better choice.


le before, "

5. If you missed my blog in the Mother to Mother series on discipline, here it is: Starting from Scratch.

6. My blessings on Mother's Day.

And a beautiful "letter to my pastor" on the topic of hurting women at Mass.  I loved this and shared it with a few priests.  One incorporated the prayer into his homily and was thanked by an infertile woman after the Mass.

7. If you have not yet been introduced to the musical goodness of Sarah Kroger, than please, let me introduce you!  My BFF is the youth minister at the Church she grew up.  While visiting, bff asked Sarah to play for us.  Sarah is incredibly talented and writes beautiful music.  Her second album will be no exception.  Check her out and if you are inspired, help fund her new project at SarahKroger.Com.

6.

a blog to follow this week

as I mentioned, I am participating in a series on discipline this week.

I urge you to follow and can't wait to hear what others have to say.

Check out the Mother to Mother series on Finding Greater Joy, Monday to Thursday.

quick takes from FL

quick taking it from rainy florida and having a wonderful time with family.

1. I have read a couple of blogs about "having babies in an opposite world" and "nfp doesn't work" (awesome Dwija!) and contemplating the general state of feelings towards children.  Why is it that I am shy about revealing this pregnancy to certain people or explaining to strangers this is my fourth?  I am still in shock that this could be the life of a former infertile girl.  But I really truly truly need to work on presenting my JOY and excitement in a more palpable way.  We were the only patrons in Waffle House at 4.30pm yesterday during our commute.  The waitress & cook (both early 20's & female) were gushing over the kids.  When one asked if we planned to have any more my husband said "we have #4 right here!" (pointing to my belly).  We have been fortunate to not have much in the way of negative feedback, but it is certainly a new place of learning & navigating how to present your big family as pure miracle and gift.

2. Pure Challenge.  Pure Joy.

3. With thanks to our babysitters, my husband was able to join me for my skype therapy this week.  It went really well.  It is amazing how the insight of a therapist can help so much.  I am on this journey and I don't want to go it alone.  We learned that when DH comes home and finds me overwhelmed his response is "get out of here and go for a walk".  It sounds nice but when I am overwhelmed walking out on the stress is not what I want, nor helpful for me to relax.  It is really DH's way to "get me out of the way" to accomplish things as he would like.  He also tends to try to hug me during these moments.  I don't receive physical touch well in those situations.  My love language is Quality Time.  Instead, DH was challenged to invite me to step aside for a few minutes and become overwhelmed with me.  It is so nice to have his participation and interest in this process.  I need & look forward to his support as we figure this out together.  The main challenge is discipline....

4. ...and on that topic I will be participating in Finding Greater Joy's discipline series next week.  Look for my post on Thursday.  I can't wait to hear what the other women have to say before me...starting Monday.

5. Loves the sand.  Hates the water.  Life is therapy for this one.

6. My two-less teeth Rosie.  Growing into such a beautiful girl and a wonderful big sister.

7. Off to enjoy the red snapper my DH cooked for dinner.  See you soon! 

7QT: foster care adoptions

Instead of the traditional quick takes this week, the topic of fostering has been on my heart. So I am blogging...and adding numbers.  :)

-1-

I LOVE talking about foster care adoptions.  It is always an adrenaline rush when I get to share with others that you do not actually have to have 20k banked to afford adoption.  Also, it seems unfair, but we had zero wait for either of our placements.   In our county there are lots of kids that need homes.  I am grateful to be the mama that gets to provide that safe forever home for my two little ones.

-2-

Scrolling through waiting children lists is so challenging.  27,000 kids age out of foster care every year without a forever family.  And then there are sibling sets. I wish that I had the courage in our childless years to jump full throttle into a sibling set. 

-3-

Last year Catie's teenage half-sibling entered into foster care.  A home was found for her before we even knew of her situation.  We have begun visits with T & her foster mom.  Her foster mom is a 32 year old single teacher that was a mentor for T.  I am so impressed that this woman stepped up to the challenge of parenting a teenager.  They are such a unique and perfect fit.  

-4-

Check out one of my favorite foster adoption resources for Myths & Realities of Foster Care.  

-5-

I tried to reorganize my blog a bit.  On the top I have a new page on the topic of Open Adoptions.  On my side bar I added a few labels on the topic to make searching easier.  

-6-

I totally get how hard it is for people to wrap their brains around fostering.  But knowing how many kids are out there waiting, I would encourage would be foster parents to do whatever it takes to break into the world of foster care and start meeting these kids.  In our adoption & foster care journeys we were open to just about everything except a drug addicted child.  Now I can not imagine my life without the gift of my sweet Catie.  Meeting foster kids in person gives you even more courage to say yes. 

-7-

Resources are available!  I listed a great one, The Dave Thomas Foundation.  I would also love to help anyone with questions as they consider navigating down this road.