unPlanned

It has been less than a week since the March for Life. On our bus someone had a copy of a new book by Abby Johnson. It was being passed around and it stopped at my seat. I started reading and devoured the first five chapters. The person who brought it on the trip gave it to me and then asked that I pass it on to someone else when I finished. I am not a huge reader but I was picking this up at every free moment until I finished it yesterday.

At her Texas A&M volunteer fair, Abby was recruited to work for Planned Parenth00d. She was drawn in by the attractive display, the well spoken professional woman at the table and especially by the idea of helping women in crisis. All along she believed that she was there to make abortion rare. She believed her involvement in this organization would make a difference. Through the years Abby quickly rose through the ranks and eventually became the director of a Planned Parenth00d clinic near Texas A&M. She became a champion for women...or so she believed.

As Abby's story unfolds, so does the parallel story of the people on the other side of the fence. The pro-lifers.

I am interjecting Abby's story to tell part of my own:

I am a pro-lifer. I am one of those people who have stood on the other side of the fence. While attending college in Mobile, Alabama I became connected with a gentleman who knew of my deep pro-life convictions, I will call him Joe. Joe invited me to join him to pray at Planned Parenth00d on their abortion day. My heart was pounding as I drove up to that clinic at 7am on a Tuesday morning, December 14, 1999. I parked across the street and found Joe. I helped him gather his literature and signs as clients and pro-lifers began arriving. The other pro-lifers set to work praying, trying to catch the attention of the people sitting in their cars. Car after car arrived. As the doors opened, these women begin pouring into the clinic. One woman, got out of her car about 10 feet from where I stood. I opened my mouth for the first time and said "please don't do this". She looked at me, stone-faced, and said "my husband and I already have too many children." At that moment I lost it. I feel to my knees and began to weep.

I imagine most people are unaware of abortion clinics in their town. For those who have not had a personal connection with them, they can be easy to ignore. Even for us that consider ourselves pro-life, how often do we think about those clinics. Definitely out of sight, out of mind. However, we you know what happens during an abortion and then when you stand face to face with an abortion clinic...there are no words to describe the feeling. Especially when you face it for the first time.

I knelt and wept for quite a while as the sounds of the rosary where filling the air around me. I clutched my beads. After two hours there were at least thirty cars in the parking lot. Thirty women waiting for abortions. During that time there were three teenage girls that kept coming out to their car. They would smoke and laugh then go back into the clinic. Around 9:15 the pro-lifers begin leaving. As I was about to get in my car I noticed Joe had caught the attention of one of those teenagers. She was walking over to him. I went back towards them. One of her friends came out and came over. Joe offered that we go out to breakfast. They agreed.

We walked two blocks down to Shoneys and he ushered us into the smoking section. One of the girls was pregnant from her boyfriend and the other was pregnant through rape. We talked to them and "Amanda" was very open and receptive. After a bit she began to cry and said she is going to keep her baby. Methodically she went for a cigarette, then looked at it and said "Oh my gosh, I can't smoke! I am pregnant!"

This was my first encounter with side walk counseling. We had a save on my first day!! It was miraculous. I was hooked. That day ignited my passion for praying on the sidewalk.

Back to Abby's story! The pro-life group on the other side of the fence was called Coalition for Life. As I have "stood at the fence" I saw myself in their tears and prayers. The story talks about how this amazing group of young people establish acceptable behaviors for the sidewalk counselors. No more grim reapers, signs that call out "murders" or graphic images. Instead they offer love and friendship to the clinic workers and girls. Their most powerful witness was the program that began by this group at this clinic, called 40 Days for Life (now a national prayer campaign).

God uses the love and friendship from Coalition for Life, and the prayers of people involved with 40 Days for Life to work on Abby's heart. She begins to feel pressure from above to increase revenue to her clinic. Revenue comes from abortions. Again, one of Abby's hopes was to decrease the number of abortions. As the organizational pressure mounts, so does her internal struggle. In this perfectly orchestrated series of events, she is then called into to help with an abortion, for the first time in her 10 year involvement with this clinic. The doctor needed her to hold an ultrasound while he conducts the abortion. What Abby witnesses, changes her life. I highly encourage you to read the first chapter of her book on her website: http://www.unplannedthebook.com/.

I highly encourage you to purchase her book. Abby's story is riveting and I know she will continue to be a witness to thousands on both sides of the fence.

I am grateful for a new and renewed spirit of activism. There are two women that I know need to join me in prayer outside of our local clinic. The next 40 Days campaign starts on March 9th. We will be there.

TimeLapse March for LIFE DC 2011

And this doesn't event do it justice!

meeting cancelled

welcome to the world of fostering. ugh. next meeting, two weeks.

Friday 11am EST

Visits have been rescheduled and THE meeting (bio mom, myself and sw) is tomorrow 11am EST. I have been anxious about this for over a week. Since it became inevitable it would be canceled yesterday and things were no longer running on MY time line, I have had more peace. GOD is in control!!

So, please continue to pray for SBR's parents and the possible tough conversation we will be having tomorrow about SBR's future. God give me the grace to be "positively vague" as suggested by a friend.

Snow & Important Meetings :(

Snow is not a good thing for anxious foster mamas. I had an important meeting today, canceled due to weather. Of course it was snow that also delayed SBR from coming to our house for almost a week last year.

The meeting was scheduled for 10:30 EST and I was going to post to ask for prayers. Bio-mom received a letter from bio-dad and asked to set up a meeting with Social Worker and myself to talk. My first thought was that she was going to sign (her rights). My understanding is that if both parents sign before 1/28 then TPR will happen 2/28, as scheduled. If they sign after 1/28, TPR is delayed until 30 days after they sign. I guess I shouldn't stress because SW tells me it is better if they sign.

I guess if they sign I would not fear the 30 days after TPR as much and could potentially save 6-12 months of waiting. For that I would be grateful.

So it was bio-mom who canceled the meeting and said "I don't want to risk his safety." I AM grateful for the way his bio-parents love him. Please pray for SBR's bio-parents as they contemplate this huge decision.

My Heart Exalts - MFL

We had a wonderful (albeit cold)...March for Life on Monday. One of my highlights was meeting the beautiful blogger, "My Heart Exalts." She glows and I am certain it is her beautiful soul shining brightly. I wish that we had more time to sip coffee and get lost in conversation. Unfortunately, I had a very tired 1 year old who kept falling on his head and an anxious to move 3 year old...and the March!



MHE - Thank you for coming to find us!! I am sure it was a bit nerve wrecking when you realized what you were up against in the crowds! I am certain it won't be our last meeting! Be assured of my prayers and love you too!!











The second highlight for me was the fact that after we took the picture by the supreme court, and after standing in the same spot for 20 minutes, I realized we were standing next to my favorite Catholic band, L'Angelus!

They are Cajun and that is what makes their music so unique and interesting. If you haven't heard them before, check them out!

Finally, on the ride home I was blessed to meet a beautiful brave soul on our bus. She was marching for the first time. She came into the Church last year. She suffered 3 miscarriages. Her first miscarriage was her turning point. She used to work for Banned Parnthood. The moment she was grieving her first lost she discovered she was not sad about loosing a "mass of cells" she was sad because she lost her baby. She passed on a book that I think is fantastic. Everyone needs a copy of "UnPlanned" by Abby Johnson. Start with reading the first chapter on her website. Tell everyone you know to read this chapter! Abby has a powerful witness and the account of her story is wonderful.

March for Life

My Heart Exults mentioned she was attending her first March for Life this year. I am so blessed to live within a relatively easy drive of DC. I take it for granted. We are hoping to attend and have not yet decided whether we are driving or joining a bus trip (if there is still room).

I am pretty new to the fabulous blogging community and wondering if anyone else is going??

I have to admit I am a bit of a crazed socialite at the March for Life. When I worked for Priests for Life it was my job to attend them. How cool is that? Our staff would go with a big plan to cover all of DC in the days or week leading up to the March. I would be involved with students for life conferences, youth rallies, the vendor display...and then hanging out at the Dubliner (where I first learned to love a Black Velvet). When I moved to PA and ran the youth group, I started leading bus trips. We would always hit the Verizon Center at 7am and, beside leading the trip, my day was spent fluttering around finding old friends. I love the March for Life!

In the last couple years, I have been less connected with my pro-life activist roots. I drive by Banned Paren7hood on a regular basis but I have not counseled in years. SBR and H have only been with me once to pray. I have gone to from working for the pro-life movement to youth ministry to Creighton teacher. I realize teaching NFP is a pro-life ministry. But I miss the passion. There is no cause greater than abortion. I could go on and on here.

In our local news, and national news a doctor was just arrested for murdering 7 live born babies. Of course, there is no discussion about the fact that the babies were "this close" (head in uterus) to being perfectly legal to kill in the same fashion. Wow. I really have to control myself or this is about to be a novel.

So...while I adore going to the March for Life and seeing old (and new) friends - there is one very specific reason I go (and now drag the family along). For someone that has never Marched, it is truly a very powerful experience. MHE, I am so glad you are making the trip. For all the long time marchers, remember. For all those that can't attend, pray.

petitions for the wailing wall

I am so thrilled for my brother in law who leaves tomorrow for Jerusalem. It has long been a dream of mine to travel to the Holy Land. My husband traveled there before we met, so it is going to take a bit of convincing to get him back. We went out for dinner the other night. My brother in law kept referring to it as the last supper. I had a chance to scribble a few petitions (in crayon...Paul said God can read crayon ;) on the back of the kids menu/coloring sheet.

In a few days, if he remembers, our petitions should be plugging a part of the wall! With it, of course, our petition and hope to adopt SBR. Also, our petition for his parents. And a few other special intentions.

I am sorry I have not been around nor blogging. We had a wonderful holiday in Florida and are back in the swing of things here. A few more social worker visits, a few more background checks, some homestudy training and a visit to the Children's hospital (SBR will be having an MRI in a few weeks). Looking at the calender there are just four visits remaining before TPR. I will be blogging my anxiety, fears and prayer intentions so stay tuned.

Happy New Year blog world!

A Social Network Christmas

This is fabulous. Merry Christmas to all!

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Immaculate Conception Cookies/ Jesse Tree

As H is getting older, I am trying to incorporate some new traditions. I have always been interested in those that celebrate feast days with special food or snacks. Today, is my first recorded attempt at this. Thank you to Catholic Cuisine for the ideas.

For Marian feast days, it seems the theme is to do white food, for purity, such as cauliflower soup, white crackers, etc. Or things that incorporate the color which we use to represent Mary...blue. I was looking for a snack, so I adapted the recipe for these Peanut Butter Bees and just decorated them with blue accents. My first attempt was to do a blue veil. That didn't turn out as well as I hoped, so I ended up just dipping half the cookie and decorating the other half with chocolate.

So, here is my modified no-bake Immaculate Conception Cookie Recipe (makes about 10-12)

2TB butter, softened
1/2 C smooth peanut butter
1/2 C powdered sugar
3/4 C graham crackers crumbs
1/4 C honey
1/2 C coconut
blue food coloring
1/4 C melted chocolate chips for decorating

Mix butter, pb, and powdered sugar in a mixing bowl until blended. Add graham crumbs and blend. Roll into eggs and put in the freezer for at least 15 minutes.

Mix coconut in a baggie with blue food coloring. Put honey in a dipping bowl. Dip the pb eggs into the honey, then coat with blue coconut. Melt chips in a bag for 1 minute, cut off the tip and decorate. Enjoy! Store leftovers in the freezer.

Our parish school has Sisters of the Immaculate Heart. Today, they renewed their vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. H loves to see veiled sisters and calls them all Mary. During Mass H commented "look at all the Mary's!"

And...finally, we are doing a Jesse Tree for the first year. I clipped a branch from our evergreen, sectioned it and put it in a vase. Added a few lights and we are now having so much fun with our Jesse tree scipture reading and ornament making every day.

Sweet Baby One!

Today, I got to play the Gymboree leader for a wonderful birthday celebration. We had so much fun! Happy Birthday Baby!

what it is like to be a foster parent

My husband has always talked of fostering and adoption in light of Joseph's relationship to Jesus. I love this song, especially around this time of year.

Home Studying - take 3

As I mentioned last month, we have begun the process of our adoption home study (different than a foster home study). Officially, this is now our third home study...the first before we conceived H.

I sent an email to our references stating "it is that time of year again for our family." It seems as if they have done this a zillion times already for us. Well, just three, but still! We are grateful they keep saying nice things about us.

Tonight were the interviews. I am so glad it was much easier than the last two rounds. Usually they turn me into a blubbering fool. Tonight, my sticking point was when she asked me to describe my personality. I absolutely couldn't! Honestly, I gave her a dissertation about how being a parent was a total wake up call and I am struggling to find balance and coming to terms that I will never by the parent I always hoped to be, etc etc etc. It was a bit ugly. She asked if I considered myself organized. Humph. Well...I completely forgot I had incorrectly recorded our last appointment and she came to an empty house. Later in the conversation Paul mentioned my business and I said "oh yeah! I think I am good at that...and relatively organized." A little too late.

So, we handed over the packet. Everything about our lives, including our updated autobiographies. I think this was supposed to be a walk through visit and I am SO glad she said she trusted our other social worker. I didn't even think I would be showing our house.

Being gifted with our children, this home study is completely different than our first. If you follow my homestudy label, I am sure you can find that post. In a nutshell, I got up at 6am to bake "Homestudy Cinnamon Rolls" back then. Tonight's homes tudy, at 6pm...I am feeding my children at the table and we are munching pretzels for our own dinner. She declined the pretzels.

So, we found out that her absolute deadline to complete our homestudy (per our county) is Jan 27th. TPR is scheduled for Feb 28th. A closing visit, the last visit for mom, will happen before the end of Feb. Thinking of having that tearful visit around the corner (I witnessed another closing visit) is a reality check. My heart does go out to his mom.

Right now there is a definite possibility that one of the parents will appeal the TPR. I did find out from tonight's social worker that she has never heard of TPR being overturned. But, if that happens, our case could potentially drag out another year before finalization. I will be reminding you of that prayer request again closer to the time.

AND, we have had discussions about what type of contact we hope to have after TPR. I will have that for a later blog.

This morning, I spent a good bit of time shopping for first birthday supplies. We are having a small first birthday party "gymboree style" for SBR. I can't believe he is almost one! He has truly become a tremendous source of joy in our life.

Little Star

I am very proud of an old friend, Anthony Destefano. We used to work together at Priests for Life. Add this book to your Christmas Wishlist!! He was recently interviewed on EWTN Bookmark. Check it out.

Milestones

Our sweet baby boy has taken his first steps! Like any other parent, I captured it on film and am dying to show them off. It is so difficult to keep from sharing all the adorable pictures and milestones. I have this vision of making a video for adoption day and catching everyone up with pictures.

In just three weeks, he will be celebrating his first birthday (we will be having a "Gymboree Style" party in two). It was a bit interesting composing the invitation. I ended up with "Our Darling Son is Turning One" and leaving out a name altogether. In this in between time, he is becoming less of an "SBR". On video and in his baby book, I try to limit my writing of his given name, though his name does appear frequently in both. This is who he is right now. Maybe I just need a better nickname??

H is super excited about the birthday party. I think she is still holding out hope it will actually be a party for her. She talks about it all the time. I feel so bad for the baby...I rarely get a picture or video of him without her jumping in front of the camera and begging me to film her instead. For the first steps, I had to sequester her to her room...even still, the video is full of "MAMA DO YOU WANT SOME COFFEE??" as she is shouting in the background.

Over the last month or two SBR's bio dad has composed several letters to be read to his son. They are really sweet...and they tear at my heart. Dad clearly has not let go (again...we are thinking this will be an involuntary termination of rights) and talks about being together as a family, etc. It is in these instances I realize how different this process is from a traditional adoption. Even though birth parents most always long for their child....they are willingly giving them up. It adds an extra dimension to process when that is not the case. I am not sure exactly what to do with these letters. One may go in his baby book, but we are now considering a memento box to keep the rest tucked away. The last one especially....I have a hard time thinking of giving to him. I am so glad he has bio parents who love him so much. I really imagine it would be harder (eventually) if that was not the case. But, figuring out where we all fit together is the challenge.

We are traveling to VA for Thanksgiving (6 hrs) and so thrilled to spend the holiday with family and new babies we have not yet met. For Christmas we are driving to FL (20+ hours). It will be a crazy season of traveling. I am sure I will have some stories to tell.

God bless everyone reading and may you have a wonderful blessed Thanksgiving!!

on the topic of name change

A few weeks back, Paul and I simultaneously poured over an internet site for hours one day and came up with a list of potential names. It looked like TPR might happen by the end of the year and we wanted to have our name picked out by then.

So we set up a picture of our foster son and set out to decide. We crossed off names from each others lists and ranked our names. We came up with a top 20, then scaled back to top 12.

We have recently narrowed it down to one. We have decided on the first and middle name we would like to give this little boy, should he become ours. Meanwhile, TPR was pushed back to the end of Feb. :(

With our daughter, we had decided to wait to find out gender and announce her name upon her birth. It is sometimes easier to not have well meaning feedback from family.

This is so different. Now that we have a name chosen, I am getting the itch. I get to look at this beautiful little happy face every day. I get to hold, snuggle, sing him lullabies to sleep. I am his mama and I want to call him by name. Well, not only that...I kind of want to tell everyone.

We chatted today and Paul feels it is too soon. I understand his reasons. As he is not yet ours, he would rather hold off until there is more certainty. I have not conceded entirely. For now, I will simply share the name with our sweet boy in his lullaby. For you...well, you will have to keep praying for us. And you will know soon enough.

moving forward, working backwards

Just a blog update...now that I have been reading other people's blogs this past year, I have figured out what I like. I am going to work on adding some of those features to this blog. I am working backwards to tag posts. And I have no idea what happened to the profile gadget. I think it is blogger wierdness.

The Parade of Social Workers

The parade continues. Last night we began our adoption home study...and specifically, the child profile. We have added another organization and social worker to our lives. Gearing up for the individual interviews in two weeks (Paul loves these, me...not so much!).

Single Dad Laughing

Thanks to facebook, I just found what has to be one of the fastest growing blogs ever. After spending 15 minutes reading through his blog...my opinion, I like this kid. He was born in 1980, the same year as my baby brother. He has been through two divorces and is caring for his adopted son as a single father. His writing is PHENOMENAL. He started this blog just 4 months ago.

As someone who is going through the adoption process, I really appreciate his adoption blogs. Specifically, How much did your kid cost? I need to go back to FB and share that. And, I always love a good adoption story: Noah, an adoption tale.

What led me to find his site, however, was an article that several of my facebook friends shared. The article is worthless women and the men that make them. Very profound and intuitive. I am grateful to have a husband that does not stop and does not look. And yes, I am guilty of being that woman. If you haven't yet, go read!

Reflections (from Paul)

Today we attended a fostering fall festival. It was an ideal day with frost in the morning and mid sixties all day and fall colors at their peak. There were so many foster parents and children there. It really makes you feel good that you are part of something that is contributing to the good of the community. With out all the wonderful people, where would all these kids be today? I admit it took me a while to warm up to the idea of being a foster parent. My first thought was fostering was like being a long term baby sitter. Through our time with "SBR" I have come to realize that I am providing a child with a stable home life. I am giving him a foundation in which to grow, be loved, and most of all, I am providing him with a a family and a life he would not otherwise have. Some people have called it "noble". I just feel that God has led us in this path. It truly helps me understand something that I always wondered, how St Joseph felt toward his Son.

the long gestation

A few years back a friend was telling me about her plans to adopt from Guatemala. She showed me a photograph of her dossier (international adoption application) and referred to it as her ultrasound picture. Not long after that, they got their referral and in less than a year, brought their son home.

Adoptions involve a long gestation.

I found out today that the court date for termination of parental rights (TPR) is Feb 28th. Somewhere along the line Paul and I got the false notion that we could potentially adopt by the end of the year. I had my heart set on that. As we discovered reality...most foster adoptions in our county don't happen before 13 months after the child has been in care. That is a fast adoption in the foster world.

We had court on Tuesday. No surprises, everything went as planned. We were told that we could possibly have a court date for TPR set by the end of the year. Okay, expectations in check. Hope reset for TPR by the end of the year. Today, I am given the date of TPR on 2/28. Reset again. 30 days after TPR, the appeal time frame, with no appeals we can file petitions for adoption. So...3/28. And then, how long? (Oh, and for the record, as of now, neither parent is signing. So we are looking at 2/28 for involuntary termination.)

I was also informed that because of the circumstances, that the baby has a potential family adoptive resource, our case may have to go before the judge to determine who should be the adoptive family. Hmmph. I have confidence that we have a strong case. But, hmmph. Normally the social worker said it is pretty straightforward to recommend the foster parents are the adoptive resource. Something about new kinship laws, etc etc. So this part confused me, baby's social worker said that if she can get away with it, with her supervisor's permission, she will write a letter to the aunt stating she is no longer being considered as a resource. I will dance the happy dance if that happens.

It is difficult to keep straight all the details and scenarios. I mentioned this to the social worker. She advised me to love the baby and she will do the rest.

So....I sit here and "gestate". Four months to TPR. Our plan is to wait until that happens before changing baby's name. We still have to pick one. I can't exactly do much nesting. I am too busy pulling miscellaneous items out of baby's mouth and doing the diaper, feed, nap, diaper, feed, nap, diaper, feed, sleep routine. All things considered, it is a pretty good thing that I have this munchkin to keep me occupied during this time period.

Do I eagerly trade the certainty of a foreign adoption for having the baby in my arms? Ummm...the jury is still out on that.

I am not exactly sure when a foster gestation starts, but I am going to go with date of placement with us. March 1. Thinking forward, a 13 month "gestation" until adoption is not likely. I will keep praying it won't be much longer than that. And I will really be praying this is not an elephant gestation (22 month process), at this point, I will settle for giraffe (15 months).

Quick Court Update

Another review hearing behind us. No surprises (thanks to God). Next review hearing March 22nd. We are also hoping for a TPR hearing (termination of parental rights) before that.

Thank God for Infertility

Last night I had an annual mandatory foster parent meeting. The foster parents of my county filled a small auditorium (I would say there was a couple hundred).

After the meeting I had a chance to talk with someone who received her first placement, a 2 year old boy and 4 year old girl, a month after we received SBR. We talked for awhile and I was thinking of the two other families I know that foster-adopted from my county. As we were commiserating...I realized we all go through the exact same thoughts, same fears....I started to reflect. In my reflection I have to thank God for infertility.

If it were not for our infertility (I speculate that is a common link between us), these 6 children would not be a part of our families. Certainly, not all foster parents deal or have dealt with infertility...but a good number of us do. A good number of us are doing this to build our families. Even though the goal is reunification, and we know this, we are desperately hoping to keep our kids.

My baby needed me to need him. So many kids need parents to open their hearts, their homes and "RISK IT" for them. Is it terrifying? Yes! Rest assured, there are many of us are in the exact same boat.

I am so glad I finally got a chance to catch up with this mom. She had two biological and 6 months ago got the most adorable sibling group. Some people are a bit more nervous in demeanor...I think she is one. I don't know if it is that our case is different, that we are in the adoption unit already. She is more terrified, more nervous, more uncertain. Her case is more uncertain. That said, in the back of my head, in the recess of my heart, I know my case is not certain either. At any time, anything can happen. She described two cases she heard about where babies were removed from their foster families on Christmas eve. She has begged her social worker not to do this to her.

So I think of us. The four families I am pretty familiar with. Ours and three others. I would say two of us moms come across more confident in nature, two, more unconfident. Two families have successfully adopted. Two families on the roller coaster. We look to them for hope, for reassurance. We are praying God blesses us the same way.

Four days to court. The thought of court puts a pit in my stomach (did I refer to myself as confident??). I have been told the parent visits are changing after court. Instead of two hours every week, mom will have one hour every other week. Visits spacing is a good sign.

As I type, I am watching SBR try to get into everything. Yesterday I pulled a half eaten blue crayon out of his mouth. This week, stink bugs, leaves, dirt. He is truly my vacuum cleaner, not in a good way! But we love him, in all his 10 month old craziness.

Looking in the crowd last night, I saw dozens of prayer caps. There are so many Mennonite foster parents. I am pretty sure most of them are foster parents because of infertility. Our foster son's sibling will be adopted by a Mennonite family in less than two weeks. This is their fourth adoption.

It makes me think of where we sat 5 years ago. Struggling with the idea of starting our family through adoption. Taking to my husband about his fears of not having his child look like him. Praying he would bend; praying that we could agree. It truly took the whole adoption process to move his heart, our hearts to the possibility of an open adoption. To get us to consider adopting outside our race, etc. God was preparing our hearts for this. To one day stretch us even further outside of our comfort zone, to bring us to start the process of fostering. God prepares us all differently. Upon becoming a foster parent I immediately thought "why didn't we do this back then??" It is such a different process, in our case, a hundred times quicker. We made first contact in December and received our placement March 1st. It is a thousand times more affordable and I get that it is not for everyone. BUT, if you can pray your hearts into submission, I can guarantee it will be more than you could expect or imagine!

conversation with a post abortive teen

Last night I had the opportunity to spend a couple hours with a 16 year old girl at my 4hour/week job. Work was slow, we were chatting, and the conversation started to turn personal as she described her upbringing. She has asked me several times in the past about our fostering situation. As she described herself, I began to understand her interest a little better.

She has had a tough life. In the course of the conversation she whispered "and I had an abortion." I was not sure where the conversation was to go and said a quick prayer to the Holy Spirit. She talked a little about the scenario, she was 14, her boyfriend was 19, her father brought her (forced her) to Pla.nn.ed Par.entho.d. I listened, empatheticaly, mad for her at her father and the 19 year old who took advantage of a young girl.

She was confessing this to a stranger. Then I explained my background. After college I worked for an organization that tries to educate people about abortion. I have prayed outside of abortion clinics and talked to girls doing "sidewalk counseling." Her mood shifted and I could tell she was uncomfortable. She said that she was very scared of the protesters outside when she was going in for her abortion. She also said she would consider the possibility of going back and being one of the protesters one day. She harbored anger towards her father who took her for the abortion. She confessed jealously that she has towards other girls at her high school that kept their babies, and one in particular who lives with her boyfriend's family and is spoiled by his mother. In addition to those teens that parenting, my heart broke as she described several other girls whom she knew had an abortion.

When I worked for Priests for Life I was the coordinator of youth outreach. I mostly worked in Church circles. This put a new twist on youth outreach, imagining how great the need to get the pro life message into every school. Making sure every teenage girl knows her real options.

I asked her if she ever considered adoption. No. Her family never said a word about it. My other pet peeve is how very few teen moms every give adoption a thought. Of course they are thinking of themselves (understandable), but how do you get them to think outside of that? She said she could never imagine her flesh and blood being raised as another person's child. Inside my head I am asking the obvious "so you rather kill your child?". I responded that as hard as adoption must be, I can not imagine how hard, the birth parents have to know they did the right thing for their child and a miraculous thing for someone else.

We discussed birth control. She goes to Pla.ned Par.nthood frequently for Depo shots. I discussed some of the risks of Depo (52% increased risk of Breast Cancer) and side effects of the pill...a lawsuit pending on a death from the patch. She was clearly shaken. I said just know that information is out there if you want to look for it. We talked about her fear of becoming pregnant before she leaves home, I talked about CPC and homes for unwed mothers. She felt it was beneath her to live in a "shelter" and I tried to explain these as valid alternatives.

We spoke off and on over the course of our time together. I told her I just want to make sure she knows that I don't judge her. She asks if I think she is a bad person. "No." She said she wonders if she will go to hell. I said "God believes in forgiveness." I ask if she was upset when I told her what I did (pro-life work, sidewalk counseling). She said yes and something about how everyone is entitled to their beliefs, etc. I explained that even though we are in different places, I feel great compassion for her. "I am sorry you had to go through that." I tried to offer her the website for Silent No More, but she declined, worried it would make her feel worse. I said that I just wanted her to know that there are resources available if she ever needed a way to deal with that grief.

She talked about her desire to become pregnant again, praying to God that God would replace her child...that her second chance would literally be the same baby, replaced. I described that I know some women that have had abortions name their child and maybe write the baby a letter. I tried to encourage her to know that fetus, her child, was a little person. "If you can give them that dignity, I may help you a little bit to let go of some of the pain." She said she would consider doing that and explained that she has an ultrasound picture from before the abortion that she treasures.

On my way home I contemplated writing her a letter. If I could describe this girl, she is not a warm fuzzy person. She is calloused, broken, in pain. I want to tell her God loves her. I want to talk to her about forgiveness and healing. She was filling in for someone I work with so I am not sure when I will see her again. I am grateful for her openness. For a profound sharing of stories. I hope she will find some consolation.

Please pray for this sweet, hurting girl. Pray that the Holy Spirit can move her heart. God bless all these suffering souls and help them find peace.

Quick Foster Update

counting down the days to court....13 to go.

I found out today that after court, our visits will go to every other week. Good for us. Less visits for parents mean we are getting closer to termination of parental rights (TPR).

SBR's mom said that she would not sign TPR unless the baby goes to paternal aunt. The social worker told me that we will move forward with plans for involuntary termination. Again, good for us, the county is not putting much stock in paternal aunt. She hopes to get a court date on the schedule by the end of the year.

There are, of course, a zillion possibilities (there always have been). When we get through court, I will breathe.

Quick baby update: SBR is so sweet! He is almost 10 months and a wonderful chunk of love. He spent the week charming Paul's parents, who met him for the first time. He loves to explore, loves to eat bugs and leaves (which I try to prevent) and he is starting to stand on his own. I think he is anxious to be on two feet to ward off the dog and big sister.

Miss Mischief

So seriously...I could have never thought up this child in my wildest dreams...she challenges me in so many ways! This is round 2. Round 1 happened last Sunday. It took me three days to attempt to work the dry erase marker out of her carpet. We got it off the walls, her body, mostly off her clothes...it came off the wood floor the easiest. My show of parenting following that incident was not pretty. I am not grace under fire. Following the..."execution"...my husband wanted to have a discussion with me. It was that bad.

Round 2. Prepared better. THANK GOODNESS Paul and I had an "airing out our grievances" session earlier in the day. That allowed me to be in the right frame of mind to open the door and find this after such a wonderfully quiet "nap time." Also, thank goodness I had just returned from the store with more Magic Erasers. But long story short, parenting under fire is not my gift.

Child #1 - this photo just about sums her up. Oh, and she can be VERY loud.

Child #2 - thank GOD he sent us her opposite! SO much more laid back!

After H's birth, I remember immediately wanting to start gestating the next one. But God spaces kids for a reason. I still want a "big" family -which, for me, is now defined at 4 kids. I know that there is probably a very good explanation why God sent us H. I think of her as my wake up call to the thousand romantic notions I had about parenting.

Our Lady of Sorrows, Pray for us!

This morning I went to Mass, for the intentions of those in the midst of their struggle with Infertility. I made a commitment and found it a bit ironic that this was the first day of my Mass petition for this intention. I don't think I was particularly aware of Our Lady of Sorrows when I was my darkest hours of infertility.

At Mass, Father talked about the way that Mary never blamed God for her sorrows, she accepted them as God's will.

Mary is an incredible source of consolation for the suffering heart. I always watch Mel Gibson's Passion through Mary's eyes. Her spirit, her courage, her pain, her grace. A spiritual director once challenged me to meditate on Mary's yes. Placing yourself in that position, in that time, in that environment - what an incredible yes! When we pray for ourselves "Thy Will be Done" we are joining with so many others who knew there would be suffering ahead. Most of all, we are joining ourselves to Mary, our mother, our model.

MOST HOLY and afflicted Virgin,
Queen of Martyrs,
You stood beneath the Cross,
Witnessing the agony of your dying Son.

Look down with a mother’s tenderness
And have pity on me,
Who kneels before you to venerate your
Sufferings and to place my request
With filial confidence in the sanctuary
Of your wounded heart.

Present them, I beseech you,
On my behalf, to Jesus Christ,
Through the merits of his own
Most sacred Passion and Death,
Together with your sufferings
At the foot of the Cross;

And through the united efficacy of both,
Obtain the grant of my present petition.

To whom shall I have recourse
In my wants and miseries
If not to you, O Mother of Mercy,
Who, having so deeply drunk
Of the chalice of your Son,
An console with the sorrows
Of those who still sigh in the land of exile?

O Holy Mary,
Whose soul was pierced by a sword of sorrow
At the sight of the Passion
Of your Divine Son,
Intercede for me and obtain for me from Jesus

(mention the request)

If it be for His Honor and Glory
And the good of my soul.
Amen.

Foster Drama Day

So...I guess, all in all, this will still work to our advantage.

We brought SBR to his visit, scheduled for 10am. 10:05am, no one around. I start asking questions because, at least, the visit supervisor should be there. We are only supposed to wait 15 minutes after scheduled time and then the visit is considered a no show. There was some debate by caseworkers if the visit was actually to be scheduled for 10:30. 10:20am, I meet our new case worker who comes out to wait with me. She is not sure really what is going on. At this point, the supervisor (of the social workers) is involved trying to figure out what happened.

Keep in mind, great aunt is traveling from out of state ~3 hours away for this visit, but local family is also scheduled to be in attendance.

10:35am social worker and I say good by and I head home. 10:50am phone rings, it is the supervisor asking if I can come back. They just showed up. She is clearly P'd off. If I can bring him back, someone will meet me outside, and someone else will drive him back to my home. I think she mentioned something about just allowing the visit to be 1 hour, rather than the scheduled 2.

He is there now. Please dear God, let these people back off.

While I don't rejoice in the failings of the parents...I have to say, I am grateful for this "mess up" and hopes that it reflects positively in our favor.

tomorrow

Is a visit with great aunt. Grrrrrr.

On this Night

On this night, three years ago, I was preparing to meet the little person who ended the most difficult four years of my life.

Hundreds of prayers, millions of tears, pain and recovery from 3 surgeries, endless vials of blood...given up for her. I was in hopelessness, on the verge of despair. We had given up trying. And then, she came. Sacrificial love. Answered prayers.

I remember, after finding out we were pregnant, telling a priest who had prayed for us year after year. We found out as he was ending yet another novena on our behalf. He was SO excited for us and told us that our pregnancy, an answer to HIS prayers, was a profound moment of restored faith for him. :'-) It was restored faith for us as well.

In thinking of all those I have "met" online recently or know in real life...still waiting to be blessed, all I can say is hang in there! The pain and suffering of infertility is like nothing else. Every month, to realize your body has failed, yet again. The feeling of prayers unanswered....questioning God, screaming at him.

I gave up believing I would be so blessed to conceive and carry a child in my womb.

On this night, we had just arrived at the birth center. We were excited, nervous, breathing. Anxious to discover our child. To meet, this person. The one whom my husband danced to the sound of her heartbeat, who made us cry to see her squirm onscreen or feel her under my heart. This person, who we longed for, begged for.

I was so nervous that we would have to have a c-section, years of infertility prepare you for the worst. But, my body and my baby followed protocol. Within a few hours of arriving at the birth center, already 4 cm dilated, I was feeling the pain entering into transition. Some how I stumbled to the bathtub and hung on to the bar for dear life. Some how, I stumbled back out of the bathtub. Somewhere around 2am I began to push. Push with strength that only comes at a moment like this. At 2:21am Hannah Rose exited my womb and landed in her papa's hands, and changed our lives forever.

After 4 hours, we brought her home. Heaven touches earth. We are so eternally grateful and always praising God for His amazing gift.





Happy Birthday Angel!!

the sweetest new sound

is his tired, teary "mama mama mama"

LOVE IT!!!

A Spiritual Boquet

For all our sisters in Christ who are in the midst of their journey with infertility, loss, and adoption. Know that you have our continued support, love, and prayers.

things are not looking good

for them.

Out of confidentiality, I won't disclose why...but the case just took another turn, in our favor.

It is difficult to watch people's lives fall apart. For his sake, I am grateful SBR is in our home. When I learned about the situation I just squeezed him a little tighter and thanked God that we are here to love him. He is starting to favor mama (me). Now that he is crawling, he will crawl over to me an give me the look to pick him up. I love the feeling of the bond slowly developing between us. I hope he stays.

He is laughing in his uncle's arms, playing hide and seek with H as I type this.

In other related news, there is another visit scheduled with the aunt. Clearances have not yet arrived from her state. I am not sure if what happened will make her feel stronger about fighting for him, I hope not.

Meant to Be - Steven Curtis Chapman

This is a beautiful song and Steven Curtis Chapman is an amazing advocate for adoption. It is so touching to see images of his daughter Maria in the video. :*-)

Passing the Case

I mentioned before, our case (for our foster son) is being passed to the adoption unit. We have known about this for awhile and knew that Sep 1st, the 6th month mark, since having "SBR" was a big one for us.

This Wednesday, before dropping SBR off for his weekly visit, his parents were informed the case was passing. I realize there were probably discussions to the same effect with them...but I know the news was very difficult. Though I am not able to share details of the case, mom and dad are both in the picture. As far as biological parents go, in the foster care system, I am told they are up there in terms of being nice/easy to deal with people. I have long grappled with the feeling of taking their baby away and just feeling bad for them. At which point I remind myself the court/county took their baby away and we are the nice family caring for him.

Fostering is such a unique experience. It is not like what I imagine dealing with adoptive biological parents would be like. These are parents who have not decided to give up their child. Yet I have him.

I really have no idea what will happen. When a petition (for termination of parental rights) lands on their door step, will they consider signing, or will they fight? They have not "fought" so far (by making life changes), which is why the case is passing.

Today we went to the park for a picnic. SBR slept in my Ergo carrier while H played. We are feeling more and more like a family of four. I am feeling more and more like a mom of children. Two kids is so much more challenging than one. Our life feels "full" right now. We try not to focus on the outcome, nor do we speak of it much. I am not sure where in the process we are (6 more months before we know, 12? longer?). But I am content. I am content being a mommy to two. I am blessed to have a blessed distraction from every period that arrives and the sting of infertility.

A while ago we turned away an adoption opportunity. Something feel into our laps and we half considered it...then fully considered it. My husband said yes. The decision was left up to me. At that time (and still now) I could not fathom being able to care for another child, yet. God has a plan. I do not know it. But, being content with where we are is all the confirmation we need that fostering is where we are called right now.

Prayer Buddy Reveal

This summer I joined a blogging prayer buddy network.

I am relatively unknown in this blogging network...because I started our blog for family, not for the blogging world. However, in the last year I have started reading other blogs. There are some amazing women with some amazing reflections on infertility, adoption, faith, family, etc. I have recently added a few to my sidebar. I am inspired by their stories, their faith, their parenting reflections...the fact that infertile women can actually have big families.

I received my assignment back in the beginning of July. She is a woman whose blog I had seen once before I received this assignment. The reason I found her blog was because it was sharing such gigantic news. After reading her news - I thought I had seen enough of her blog. She had received what every infertile woman longs for. The irony that she became my prayer buddy, was actually God calling me onward. I am so grateful I was forced to revisit her blog and read more about her.

This is what I have learned: She received NaPro Care (near and dear to my heart) which led to her amazing news and she and her husband were in the adoption process with Catholic Charities before their surprise (like us). She is very creative, loves to camp (wohoo) and is a woman of faith. Her profile is a picture of meeting the Pope with her husband - in their wedding clothes on their honeymoon (so cool). Her prayer intentions had nothing to do with herself, though I am sure her own spiritual needs are great. In the course of a couple of months, she has gone through great joy, great fear, sadness and excitement. Let me explain, after a year and half of infertility, she conceived triplets. Not long after that, she lost one of the babies. Now she moves forward with a twin pregnancy, which is still completely overwhelming, I imagine. Recently she found out that she is gestating twin sons.

Brittany (Picking up Our Cross), it has been a joy to pray for you and your intentions and to get you know you a little better the past month and half. I prayed especially hard for you while I was at the Theology of the Body congress adoration chapel - surrounded by very cool priests and religious. I look forward to following your blog through the rest of your pregnancy (and beyond). Your boys will be blessed to have you as their mama!

Foster Updates

Updates from the world of fostering:

1. Paternity is confirmed. The Senior that my foster son is Juniored after, is the correct Senior. With this we breathe a sigh of relief, because we know what we face...there is nothing unknown.

2. Approval was granted to pass the case to the adoption unit. That pass will happen sometime in the next couple weeks. What this means is "SBR" gets a new social worker, whose goal is to follow through to his adoption. She is the SW that files petitions for termination of parental rights. Parental rights can either be terminated voluntarily or involuntarily. Obviously, voluntary termination will mean a much quicker process moving forward. This particular social worker is VERY familiar with bio mom and has led her through this process twice before. I believe she will sign....bio dad...I am not sure it will be so easy, but I am praying for that.

After petitions are signed, there is a court case to terminate rights. Then it starts to move into adoption.

3. We will be starting an adoption home study within the next month and get a new set of social workers (in addition to the two from the county) who will continue onward with us from there. SO that is a grand total of 4 (5 including some transition time we expect) that we will be dealing with.

4. Great Aunt is still out there. Approved in her state and waiting approval in our state. Expecting approval will be granted. RIGHT NOW, all social workers are in agreement she has not made a strong case to get the baby because she has not been visiting. Words I was SO glad to hear today "every week she does not come is counting as a missed visit." She has come twice in the almost 5 months we have had him. SO, on that end, the prayer is either they will back down or the courts will side in our favor here.

On the way out the door from the visit today I was chatting with the visit supervisor. She looked at me and said "Elisabeth, I wouldn't worry." It is nice to get some reassurance from people who have BTDT.

Meanwhile, SBR's current social worker stated "it could take 6 months, it could take 2 years, I can't predict the future or what might happen."

So we continue to wait...and pray. And discuss how old SBR should be before we say Yes to our next foster child. :)

Update on Melanie

and Praise God...it is GOOD NEWS!

These updates were found online from this morning:

9am (AZ Time) 7/30/10 Kemi Ndolo posted this note to Facebook: “Melanie Pritchard has to be one of the strongest women I know…she has overcome an amniotic fluid embolism, DIC, lung failure and heart failure. The only tube left in her is an iV with saline drip. Incredible turnaround since two night’s ago. She will see her baby for the first time tomorrow morning!!! Continue to pray for Mel, Doug, and their precious children.”


11am (AZ Time) From Brooke Burns: “Chris, this is the website that you can post on your site to financially support Mel and Doug due to insurance not covering all of their costs and Mel will be in recovery for months.
It’s a paypal link that will go directly into Doug’s account. Please spread the word like wildfire.

The latest update on Mel is that she is with her baby Ella right now as we speak…UNBELIEVABLE! My sister and I saw her last night. She is coherent and recognized us and was able to say I love you. She is in a tremendous amount of pain and has a long, long road of recovery from here.”

I went out in a limb on this and actually BELIEVED the prayers would save her. And Holy Smokes...it's working!! Continue to join me in praying in thanksgiving for this miracle in progress. THIS is a website to follow for updates.

Pray for Melanie

This is a woman I have never met. We prayed for her tonight at the Congress. She is suffering complications from childbirth and is near death. She is fiercely pro-life. I found an article about her online

Theology of the Body Congress, Day 1

from an email...I apologize I am a bit too tired to transcribe to the blog world:
What a GIFT and what amazing timing God has to have planned this Congress for this time. Kristin was a little bummed when she saw the online streaming option of $79 over the $500 price tag she is paying...however I KNOW we are here for networking.

What an incredible, amazing, historic event going on right now in Blue Bell. The speakers are...well, this is just blowing me away.
Follow our Schedule!
The day started with a talk from Fr Brian Bransfield. He was fantastic. I totally recommend him. Then Kristin and I split paths and I heard Bill Donahagy speak on "TOB & The Eucharist" while Kristin went to Dr Mango's talk on "Understanding the Opposite Sex." We also split paths for the Panels - she choose the Same Sex 'Marriage' panel while I went to Humanae Vitae and TOB. In my panel I heard Dr Colosi, Dr Waldstien & Dr Pia de Solenni - where we just sat and watched brilliant minds work.

And, again, the reason we are here...networking. Through a conversation, which I misunderstood (Holy Spirit at work) - Kristin and I had a impromptu meeting with Matt Pinto (President of Ascension Press) and Damon Owens. Matt is so excited to help us with whatever we need. He was brainstorming what a "dream' Diocese would look like from top down for Theology of the Body implementation. Kristin and I both got shivers as he mentioned so many ideas that are currently in the works at our Dio (Marriage Prep, high schools, speaking to the priests). He also discussed his dream of having Theology of the Body offices/organizations/affiliates in every diocese. He pulled out a page and starting drawing an outline. He offered us his assistance, including speaking at the Come & See to present JFM and answer questions, and coming up with an aesthetically pleasing strategy for implementation (Diocese Game Plan) - using resources/printing available at Ascension Press - it is great to have friends in high places.

Praise God that I get to have this little "retreat"/amazing conference in the midst of motherhood. Off to bed, then day 2.

so stoked

Tomorrow through Friday I will be attending the Theology of the Body Congress. When I sent in my registration, it was half heatedly. Now, I know, without a doubt, God has intented me to attend this event. I am so stoked! Wonderful, because it is a business expense.

Right now, in our diocese, I am blessed to be a part of some powerful meetings that will altar our marriage prep (and then hopefully many other things). SO, for the next couple of days I will be surrounded by Catholic celebs soaking up the amazing truths of TOB. I can't wait!

who sleeps like this?

I had a friend who ran a "who sleeps like this" series for her little girl. My little girl only slept in designated sleeping area...until now, of course. Our foster bebe, however, sleeps where he falls. Tonight was a good example. He litterally passed out on his own lap. :) Funny kid.

Paternity

under question.

I got an email stating that paternity is under question (foster son was swabbed today). However, can anyone tell me what this would mean: "father is still the legal father, we are trying to figure out if he is the biological father"? If he is not the bio dad, how is he the legal father? Because his name is on the birth cert?

I am also not sure how long results take. Any ideas? If the answer were that dad is not bio dad, it would change the situation on so many levels. One one hand, would now-assumed bio great aunt still pursue him if there was no bio? On the other hand...well, there would be an infinite number of possibilities that could mean an infinite number of months waiting.

watching supernanny

Recently, our daughter has left the "terrible twos" and very poignantly stomped into the torrential threes. Mind you, I am writing this on what began as our infertility blog. I am SOOO grateful to have her. 80% of the time we adore her and can just watch with awe and amazement what God has brought into our lives. The other 20% of the time (maybe just a bit more :) are quite challenging.

Before kids we used to watch Supernanny quite a bit. That was helpful when we started the adoption process and had to write up our plans for discipline. Supernanny was all we really knew, apart from the discipline with which we were each raised. We were both spanked. I don't think either of us were out and out against spanking - but with both home studies, we were encouraged to use non-physical forms of discipline. I feel like time outs are a much better form of parent anger management. Following through with the steps takes more effort and attention than spanking, while encouraging a calm firmness.

Lately, DH & I have both slipped - in follow through and effectiveness. Over the last month I have said multiple times "we need supernanny!" Regarding child rearing, my father has said "it is the parent's job to create the box (the boundries) for the child. It is the child's job to push on the box." Recently, I feel H has steem rolled our box. SO, time to regroup, watch a few episodes of supernanny, dust off The Discipline Book by Dr Sears and come up with a game plan for "the threes". We need a new box!

Tonight I watched The Mann Family episode on hulu. It goes over the time out technique and the sleep technique. We definitely need a refresher on time outs and it is time to kick in the sleep technique. I told my husband that I am really just adding this blog for him so that we can get back on the same page. Child rearing is by far the most challenging job one could ever have....and I am so grateful for it.

Traveling Sleeper

H has been in a big girl bed for about 2 months now. She has been potty trained for well over a year. I tried, a few weeks back, to convince her that when she needed to use the potty, to just get up and go. While this "freedom" has not yet resulted in her leaving her bed to arrive at the potty, she has arrived (and passed out) in a number of new locations. While this may not be Supernanny approved, I don't mind too much...yet. My only complaint is the rush of fear when I go to kiss her in her bed and she is not there. OR, walking into the living room (tonight) and seeing a body on the couch. Her favorite place to land is my side of the bed - and if I try to share, she will fight me for that space.

I do believe this is someone connected from our co-sleeping past (the first year). Perhaps soon we will look up some old Supernanny clips for help...but for now, we enjoy her antics - even the sleep'capades.

Update to add more pictures...an hour after I posted this, I moved her to her bed and went back to chat with my husband. She relocated herself to my bed. Will try again soon to move her back so I can sleep in my bed.

Ergo Wonderful!

Here is a quick pic of me and foster bebe and the Ergo-wonderful I received in the mail as a very unexpected surprise birthday gift.

As I have been struggling with bonding issues and not practicing attachment parenting (as I did with my daughter), this was exactly what I needed. It came at a great time and my daughter, foster baby, hubby and I all love it.

It will be traveling with me to the beach tomorrow. As another friend mentioned...if only I had two, I could carry my 3 year old on my back and be a true sherpa woman...lol.

My Stock Photo Baby

Being new to blog-networking, I thought I would share an old photo. I know many blogger girls are in NaPro care. If you ever see this photo of Dr Hilgers with baby...she is mine! This is my NaPro miracle. She can be found at the top of Dr Hilger's blog as well as recent PPVI mailings.

happy baby

While waiting for "SBR's" parents to show for his visit, I was talking with a visit supervisor - one whom I had not yet met. She had previously worked with SBR's parents and was familiar with his case. She made the comment that he was the saddest baby she had ever met...thin and unhappy. This is not the child we know. Our SBR is the happiest baby you could meet. He is so laid back and loves to smile and talk to people. We recently had pictures done and the photographer had him wrapped up in under 5 minutes because he was smiley.

The visit supervisor was discussing the first time she ever disagreed with a social worker's decision was when SBR's social worker left him with his parents (rather than placing him straight in foster care). This discussion was the first time I ever thought or wondered about the first 2.5 months of his life. And while we were having the conversation, 15 minutes elapsed...his parents did not show for the visit. This was the first no-show visit (there have been two previous canceled visits).

All this makes me feel grateful he is with us, and where he needs to be right now. Tomorrow, however, I am bringing him back for a visit with his great-aunt. "GA" (great aunt) was recently approved in another state to be a foster parent in an attempt to get SBR. From the beginning, we understood her to be our biggest hurdle...so to speak. So far she has not done what she needs to do (visit frequently) but of course I wonder, and fear, he will eventually go to her. I can not see this happening...but the biggest miracle to me would be for her to realize he is where he needs to be as well. If you are following our case, please pray for this visit tomorrow and for her to not have baby fever.

80 months

So I was thinking recently...and doing a little math. I estimate that I have spent approximately 80 months of my life trying to achieve pregnancy. If I had the fertility of a Duggar, I could probably have about 6 kids by now. Granted not all 80 months were spent "TRYING" - but there was not a month we were not open to conception.

Secondary infertility is nothing compared to the pain of primary infertility. I am eternally grateful that God has given us our beautiful daughter and now called us to be foster parents. My heart does still ache, however, to hear updates on fertile growing families and wish we had their fertility. God gave us this life, this cross. I am not crazy about it, but it is mine and I would not trade it.

From my cross comes my mission and I have been blessed to help others carry their crosses this past year. I consider running the infertility retreat a gift. I am speaking more about NaPro and lately, more doors are opening towards our mission in our diocese. I pray that my witness continues to lead others towards answers and blessings in their own lives. I was thrilled last week when I received in the mail the birth announcement for my first infertility client miracle baby.

On another note, I have been reading more infertility blogs and signed up recently to be a part of a summer secret prayer partner group. I am grateful for my assignment, my call to holiness...and someone out there...I will be praying for you!

mama bliss

Last night was a moment of mama bliss. It was my birthday. After dinner at my favorite restaurant and my annual whoppie pie cake, I was actually thoroughly enjoying putting the kids to bed. H loves for us to lay with her and is famous for saying "mamma will you lay wiss me?". SBR was having difficulty getting settled so I moved him over to the big girl bed, cuddling him on one side and her on the other. H kept pulling my face over to her just to make sure she was getting sufficient snuggling. It was a gift to be needed and shared by my kids and just lay there with them feeling the love.

After 5 years of primary infertility and now 2 plus of secondary infertility, I consider it a gift beyond all belief to have experienced that moment.

Yesterday morning we did have another social worker visit. She discussed much more at length what will happen when they "pass the case" this fall. Translation: when they change the goal to adoption SBR will get a new social worker to coordinate termination and adoption. I later asked Paul how he felt about the discussion. His comments were "she feels this is heading towards adoption, but for me, nothing has changed." She also talked briefly about what point we would want to start thinking of names, etc. Bottom line, we are not there yet. As of today SBR has been in our care for 4 months. At 6 months in our care the case CAN be passed. There are still a great deal of things that can happen (bio family get's it together, kinship family work out, bio parents refuse to sign termination and he remains in our care for another year or more without imminent adoption) OR this could go through smoothly and we adopt by the end of the year.

For now...we just keep loving on this little boy.

Wedding Weekend

This weekend was my brother's wedding and we had a wonderful time. H was so grown up and so cute marching around with her purse (from aunt meagan) and her sunglasses and hair done. She did exceptionally well...except for the actual wedding. I spent most of the wedding trying to figure out the appropriate time for momma (a bridesmaid) to take the flower girl to the back to calm her down. In the end, we waited it out. Everyone loved meeting "SBR" and we get so many comments on what a great, laid back baby he is. Thanks be to God! I am so grateful we got a foster son with the personality of a number two. He IS great and it was so nice to be able to introduce him to everyone.

The night ended with the reception and the funniest moment was when someone suggested to H her basket would make a nice hat. She took her flowers right out of the basket, put it on her head and walked out into her introduction like the crazy kid she is.