What was I thinking?

Just for the record I did indeed state that I would be attempting 30 days of Finding Joy in the month of October.  

So while I am stumbling upon Joy in my spiritual & emotional postpartum state...blogging is just not happening.  

I am so overcome with love & awe for this little girl.  I was overcome in Mass last night at the gift of her.  It has brought me to tears, again, at the fact that I missed this with Augie & Catie.  And my husband says "that is a good thing to recognize".  

The natural feminine reaction to birth is powerful beyond words.  An intense INTENSE desire to protect, nurture, provide, defend...love...intense love.  "No matter what" love. 

For my husband, the way our children came into our family is less significant because he has not experienced the same emotional response to birth.  The irony is that It took so much more to get him on board with adoption.  When in the end.... :-). I am grateful for this man who teaches me so much!

So - our children all adore their sister.  Rosie begs to hold her, Augie lights up around her and Catie just loves that she is an actual baby.  

Lots of love happening right now.  That is definitely a good thing!!

She is here!!

Born in the water after keeping her mama waiting!  Beautiful girl!  9/28 @ 10pm - 9lb 7oz - so far more peaceful...and more hungry than her big sister was.  

Overdue

Being on this side of a due date...the overdue side...offers a completely different perspective on the topic.  I heard someone say "library books are due...babies come when they come".

Being on this side of "due" there is lots of scary talk.  How many times have I heard "induction" this week?  Enough.  My midwives are  certainly in support of waiting - but are trying to prep me for everything the hospital staff will be saying (to scare me into induction) come Monday.  Also, if my water were to break without the start of labor...off to the hospital for...induction.

My husband mentioned that he had 9/27 in his calendar as due day.  That reminded me that 9/27 was my initial & LMP due date.  I wish I could have mentally prepared for that, rather than jumping on the 9/23 bandwagon after an early ultrasound.

Perspective is everything here.  

It is tough to check the days & nights off the calendar with no change...how many nights have I hoped?  Well, not going to lie, tonight I am going to bed hoping.

After many failed attempts with natural induction ideas...tonight I am trying something a bit more "aggressive".  Castor Oil.  Blech.  After discussing with two midwives...I am attempting a modified semi-gentle approach.  1 TB in OJ at 3.30 pm this afternoon.  I just downed my second helping a few minutes ago, at 10pm.  The first dose made me mildly sick.  So lovely that I should try again.

So, off to bed am I.  Hopefully a baby announcement will come before 10/7 (official induction date).  Thanks for the prayers!

due

Sep 23, 2013

The date I am due.  40 weeks of gestation, according to early ultrasound dating.  But early ultrasounds can be 5 days off.  If I had been charting...like a good practitioner...

So any how.  Some light contractions but no baby.

So...instead, happy feast of St Pio of Pietrelcina. I had the opportunity to visit his shrine with the family Saturday.

venerating the relic of his glove

He has been an intercessor in my life the last year +.  He has been my tough love in my journey.  If you are in need of some tough love...I highly encourage praying for his intercession. 

St Pio of Pietrelcina, pray for us!

7 Quick Takes- pondering joy (and publishing early)

Dedicating these takes to the topic of Joy.  I blogged about lost joy recently and had some fantastic comments and insights.

1. It is super interesting to hear different perspectives on the topic.  For me the height of (what I call) my joy, in my my perhaps juvenile understanding, was the end of high school & college, when I fell in love with Christ and the Catholic Church.  Steubenville retreats, college retreats...I even gave up dating during this period to focus on the Lord.  It was sunshine & flowers.

2.  Falling in love with my spouse was also pretty fantastic.  I know there is a difference between happiness & joy.  I don't think happiness adequately describes falling in love.

Of course the feeling of love is very different than actual love.  On our first date my husband went into a dissertation on this followed by the comment "I choose to love you." Yes, he said that on our first date.  Kat's wise comment was that "maybe joy, like love, matures and does not look the same as it once did."  I think there is something to that.

Mrs. Mike continued with "It was explained to me that happiness is a fleeting emotion but the Christian virtue of joy gives us the ability to smile through our tears when that happy state ceases. It's what sets Christians apart from the rest of the world. But it requires a repeated and conscious choice of the heart. Even for the more sanguine type, it takes years to develop the habit of living a joyful life."  

3. After college and falling in love...came marriage.

We were so excited to start our family that pretty soon after marriage came the realization of infertility.  I have had challenging periods in my childhood...but infertility was the first time I really suffered as an adult. That suffering did something to my joy.  After years of crying out to God and wondering if He heard me, my faith, my trust...my joy was tarnished. 

4.  The day my daughter was born was ah-mazing.  Answered prayers.  Being a participant in a miracle.  Knowing those tears were not for nothing.  

5.  And then...blessed parenthood.  With secondary infertility we became foster parents and two more quickly followed.  

So so so so so blessed that this was God's amazing plan for my life.  Looking back could I have imagined??  No!  But, it was a bit like being thrown into boiling water.  Suddenly everyone thought I was super fertile.  It was a drastic change from the first five years of married life.  And the reality of what it took to pull it off...enter the second phase of suffering.  Suffering sounds like such a selfish word to use here.  I think my children were the ones who started to suffer.  As the tidal wave of parenthood roared over my head...I became a mom far far from what I ever hoped I would be.  Enter favorite meme (adjusted as you see fit): 

6. The last year has been time to put on my big girl pants and really try to figure this out.  How do I reclaim joy?  Well...I have a feeling it has something to do with relearning the true meaning of joy.  Joy is not a feeling, it is a choice.   I was pleased to link back to one of Jennifer Fulwiler's blogs yesterday and find her thoughts on the topic.  "Joy is something different than happiness, and it’s a whole lot different than surface-level pleasure or physical comfort. It’s something divine in origin, not subject to the ups and downs of human emotions, a kind of ecstatic contentment and explosive peace that can only come from contact with the Source of all life and love himself."  It is crazy intriguing that she is finding her joy in the midst of family life.  

7.  I SO enjoyed 31 days of blogging last October.  I may be partially insane to imagine that I can pull it off again...but my heart is being pulled (obviously) to the topic of Reclaiming or Rediscovering Joy.  

Jennifer also said "the more intimately we know Christ, the more joy we’ll have…but Christ is the very embodiment of self-sacrifice, of pouring out oneself for the sake of others."  I hope to recognize this joy in my life.  Lord, help me learn to suffer well...so that I may be a light, rather than an extinguisher of light.  

7 Quick Takes

Hosted @ http://www.conversiondiary.com

1. So evidently after 38 weeks the clocks stop ticking & just move in sssssllllllooooowwwww motion. :-)  When I didn't think I could get bigger, I got bigger.  Just call me master of the waddle ...and a crane/forklift would be mighty handy for helping me us these days. Oh, blessed maternity!!

2. So, from the wisdom of other moms, I have learned that previous pregnancies are not the best predictors of when a labor will start or how it might progress.  In reflecting back, Rosie was due on 9/12.  On 8/31 my fluid began to leak.  She was delivered on 9/4.  (I did not realize I was leaking fluid until 9/2 & it was confirmed on 9/3).  The game changer between pregnancies was pertussis.  I suffered through my last trimester & there is a good chance all the coughing & vomiting weakened the sack.  So..who knows what things would have been like otherwise.  Who knows what lies ahead.  It is this unknown that makes us most crazy.  Who is good at waiting?  It must be a virtue.

3. I certainly feel like a watched pot right about now.  

4. Lets talk other kids.  They love school.  I am actually super pumped that Augie has this outlet right now.  He tells me far more about his time @ pk3 than I get from Rosie in K.  So far the  report from the teacher is positive.  It is amazing to watch them come from behind & do well.  Even Catie is doing well in therapy.  I am grateful she is overall an easier toddler than her brother was.

5. Getting the hang of early school mornings and the predictability of our weeks' schedule.  Glad to have a little normalcy before baby shakes us up.  

6. Netflix recommendation: In Plain Sight is what I have been killing time with lately.  There are several seasons a available so enough to keep me busy for a bit.  If not watching that, I am trying to listen to hypnobabies (not so much on board yet...it feels a little new agey) or trying to read a little Ina May birth prep.

7. 

while i'm waiting...

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord granted my request"

I still can't believe I get to do this all over again.  There is something so spiritual & beautiful about bearing new life.  To get to nurture someone straight from God...and to be able to nourish them from my body.  

I can look at this experience & reflect again on adoption as a higher calling.  It is challenging when you long to do these things for your child (or foster child, in our case).  The bonding has to take place in other ways.  More sacrifice & more supernatural grace are needed to forge that same bond.  

I watched this beautiful video sent by a friend today.  It brought tears to my eyes and I am so excited I get to share this new one with my big kids.  I am so excited they get to see nursing in action (a first for them all).   The beautiful thing is a new opportunity to teach them to love.  I pray that our love for baby C is a bit of a do-over.  Another chance to show then how to love better.  

In my husband's words...he is trilled our adopted kiddos will be sandwiched in love.  Lord, help us to love.  Teach is to love.  Teach our kids how to love. 

0-4 WW

Checking in at 38 weeks.  

Minus the random SHARP drops in patience, I have been doing pretty well.  The weather has been delightfully cool.  Tonight is the first night I have turned the AC on in a week.  

We just wrapped up the family celebration of Rosie's 6th birthday (a few days late).  Thinking back to her birth fills me with joy & hope for this next one.  I can only pray it goes as smoothly.

That said, there is some underlying fear of the worst case scenarios.  I offer my fears and little physical sufferings for all those longing for motherhood or praying to be blessed again. 

Sts Gianna & Gerard, pray for us!!

on lost joy

(Started writing on Thursday)

I am sitting in the quiet of the house.  Having just loaded Rosie on the bus and not yet awakened my two little crazies.  A theme has been circling my brain recently...a theme that comes up repeatedly in my life.  Joy.  Even trying to title this blog leads me to reflect on joy?  What is it?  Why did I have it once?  Where did it go?  How can I find it again? 

As I sat down to type, I decided upon a quick google search for quotes and stumbled upon many from CS Lewis.  A man who has clearly thought significantly more about this topic that I have.   In his book, Surprised by Joy, he writes:
"it is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which is a technical term and must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that, and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasure in the world. But then Joy is never in our power and pleasure often it."

Thank goodness for philosophers to make more sense of these things.  Joy is something I feel I once had and have since lost.  Being named Elisabeth I have always loved the image of the Visitation.  Within Elizabeth's womb, the infant, "leapt for joy."  Two years ago I had the opportunity to attend a conference and be prayed over by Neal Lozano.  He is an incredible man.  In his blessing over me, he brought forth that image and prayed for joy over me.  

(Returning to this writing on Saturday)

So, the elusive joy.  When I became a mother there was definitely a honeymoon period where I was so filled with joy.  I remember being tired...but I don't remember anger until my newborn became a toddler.  She was very VERY loud. I recal posting on an online forum about her manipulating behaviors.  Another mother challenged me that perhaps I was perceiving her as more advanced than she was.

With the transition to toddlerhood, came the loss of control.  With the loss of control, I began to experience the loss of joy. 

In my 6 years as a parent, there have been profound moments of gratitude...but limited moments of joy.  I could go back to giving birth vs adopting (where there were no happy hormones flooding my body)...but ultimately, I think if all my babies were from my womb, I would still struggle with anger & pine for joy.

It has been awhile since I spoke with Dr D.  As I mentioned the cost of two private schools has taken control of those funds in our budget.  One of the themes I was most interested in was the idea to "make your house a cloister".  The image of a cloister is one of peace, order, joy.  Perhaps the peace & order are impossible with children?  But I am for sure trying.  

Nesting is helping us declutter and bring peace to areas of our home that have been in chaos.  The energy to keep things clean is not present...but it is a prayer.  So...the home, is a big source of stress...but then, the kids.  

I so long to find joy in my children. I long to see them as God sees them.  I long to live in peace with them.  I long for them to have a mama that is filled with joy.  This...is where I pray for my miracle.   Parenting is suffering.  Parenting is laying down your wants, your life, for your children.  So...this elusive joy is only going to come from learning to suffer well.  

I am not quite sure how to do that...but every single day I have another opportunity to try.  I am a mama that is going to stay put.  And keep trying.  And...if joy is not meant for me in this life, I am so grateful it is available in heaven.

Wahhhhh!

First day of K is hardest on mama!!  Have a wonderful day sweet girl!! 

Quick Take Friday: back to school edition

1. On Tuesday we officially start year 2 of not-homeschooling. I have so many mixed feelings.  This is the blog where I attempt to work my way through those feelings.

2. As I think about things like sending my first born back into the world...and possibly via a big, scary school bus...all my confidences about school are replaced with thoughts about all the worst case scenarios that could happen to my precious 6 year old.  You simply can not protect them from everything.  That is scary.  That requires trust...and prayer.  

3. Today marks one month to go till D-day.  With an almost newborn, a 2 year old and a 3 year old - I am grateful that formal school will give our family a routine that I don't feel I could provide in this busy season of our life.  I do feel peace with our decision.  That decision, however, comes with a great cost. If the expense worth the routine?

4. Rosie is entering full day 5 day kindergarten at our parish school.  Augie is starting 3 year old two day half day pre-k at another church school.  Normally I would not send my 3 year old to school....but, in this case, I believe it will benefit us all in responding to his special needs.  Two private schools equates to adding a car payment to our monthly expenses.  Extra expenses...such as therapy and miscellaneous spending are not in the budget any longer.  I know the pastor uses the mantra you have to sacrifice to send your kids to Catholic school.  Catholic school....

5. Perhaps we are doing it from peer pressure.  The very large majority of our friends send their kids to the parish school.  Perhaps because if not homeschooling, it is the only other option for my husband.  Until recently I was not against public school.  But then....you realize....just how worldly even public elementary schools can become.  And recently, public school fell off my list of possibilities.  And so our options...teach or pay.

6. There are no homeschool co ops that exists within my parish community.  I am sure co ops exist...just none that I am aware of yet.  If I was surrounded by homeschooling families and a network of mentors, that would surely make a difference.  As it is, I am a public schooled mom married to my catholic schooled husband. No experience, no mentors, no homeschooling peer pressure...it is easier to take the path most traveled (here), in the midst of this stressful season.  I have a plethora of moms to help me navigate the parish school.

7. Year by year.  This year, this is the right decision for our family.  Rosie could not be MORE excited and as I snuggled Augie tonight...I started to reflect on what school would mean for him.  Being the middle child/second born...he takes a good amount of grief (not all undeserved ;-).  I had the thought "will I cry when I drop him off?"  A new challenge to my heart.  I am excited for the world before them...it is thrilling to watch the wide open eyes of my children.  Year by year, i will try my best to choose & provide what i feel is best for them.

First day pictures coming soon. 

Linking up with Jen: http://www.conversiondiary.com/2013/08/7-quick-takes-friday-vol-229.html

new pictures new pictures!

and an updated About Us page.

quick takes - on getting there

1. 34 w 5 d
difficult to breathe, challenging to get up from sitting or laying down, heart burn, reflux, can't stand too long, have to pee all the time...and holy smokes...I am having a baby!!!! so grateful to God for this gift of life within.  grateful for His trust and I am not worthy.  baby hiccups, kicks, head buts, tiny movements inside of me...and now the necessity to think in terms of getting this child out and holding a precious fresh from God newborn.  (not a tweeter...but hashtag grateful)

2.

a most beautiful and captivating book.  add to your wish list!

3. Wednesday I attended a Mass of Thanksgiving for a new Gianna Center affiliate opening in my diocese.  After Mass I had the chance to pray (once again) with St Gianna's gloves.  I placed them over my very large womb and prayed for a safe delivery.  Immediately after that prayer my prayers went towards all those I know who are still begging God for a healthy baby in arms.  My thoughts went to the last person I was fervently praying for while holding her gloves. For those who have suffered miscarriages, I prayed for you.  For those who have not yet conceived, I prayed for you. St Gianna Molla, pray for us!

4.  My husband's colleague mentioned something to the fact that "your wife is REALLY pregnant."  Why yes, yes I am.  Meanwhile my (almost) 6 year old declared me fat.   Starting to navigate some of these new conversations with her.  The world is pressing in and I am trying but not quite sure how to push back.  Lord, protect our daughters and help us teach them well.

5. On teaching her well...Rosie has made it through two whole rosaries this week.  She led 4 out of 5 decades in the car the other day.  She can also recite the St Michael prayer and told me she says it if she wakes at night scared.  So proud!

6. School.  As I watch many people post about school, about homeschooling, about getting ready...I am grateful that for now, we can afford catholic education.  Rosie will be starting K.  Augie will be attending a 3 year old pre-k 5 hours a week to obtain services from the intermediate unit.  I feel no pull to home school yet.  I can't imagine catholic education all the way through...but for now...we are here.

7.  Last weekend was Catie's half-sister's 17th birthday party.  Her first ever.  She entered into foster care last fall and we have been slowly building a relationship with her and her foster mom.  For T's sake, as well as Catie.  Today I received the most precious thank you note from a girl who is probably writing them for the first time ever.  It included the words "thank you for trying to play kick ball" (just picture that for a second, and yeah :-) .  I am very grateful she is in a good home.  I really can not see her in ours.  But grateful still for the opportunity to have a biological connection for Catie.  Wish I could share the sweet pics!

So I will leave on a note about Older Child Adoptions with THIS sweet story.

(yet another) quick take sunday

so..maybe it is just because the exciting parts only happen on the weekends?

1. Friday Night was amazing.  I was surrounded by lots of beautiful women very close to my heart for what has to be the most faith-filled baby shower ever.  The grace and gift of these women was so palpable for me.  I am humbled by their generosity and even more grateful for their presence in my life.  Four children equals four god mothers and they were all there.  The night was kicked off with the most incredible prayer...I am still waiting for a copy to share...but the part that struck me was "dear lord let me not harm these children in my care."

a gummy "craving" bar

yet another craving...there was much sugar to be had

the beautiful hostess

gifts from women of faith

2. Saturday.  Wedding day for one of the most beautiful brides I have seen.  There is just something about a Catholic wedding...especially when the bride radiates purity.  I have known the bride since before she was in high school.  She eagerly read my copy of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and made a commitment to not date, probably while she was in the 8th grade.  I was honored to be her youth minister and she soaked up everything.  Even when I only had two teens attending a particular bible study...she was committed.  She was with me in a small group of studying through Theology of the Body for teens.  And I was with her for her first Steubenville youth conference, where I witnessed her falling madly in love with our Lord.  I walked with her though years of discerning a religious vocation...she wanted to be cloistered (what teen thinks like that?).  When her parents requested she attend college first, I was thrilled when she selected Franciscan University.  I have been so honored to know H through the years and watch her mature into the beautiful young woman she has become.  I have loved getting to know her now husband, who happens to be a dear friend of a fellow blogger and long time internet friend.  While it was difficult to watch H's path stray from her passion for religious life...I could not imagine a more perfect fit.  M is very worthy of his beautiful bride and I look forward to watching them grow in holiness & love.  Also...jealous they live near Mrs Mike...and not me!  

loved seeing them pull into the gas station on our way out!!

3. Sunday.  Peaches!!

Last weekend was picking:

This weekend was processing:

Can not wait to enjoy them!  Right now, from the shower, we are still filled to the brim with sweets...so pies will have to wait.  The beauty of canning. 

4. As a result of #1 & #2 I was wiped.out today!  My body definitely rebels & lets me know when I do too much.  Grateful that even with canning peaches, today was a day of rest. 

5. I met with a new midwife who informed me in April my urine test was GBS+.  Since April I have met with 4 other midwives who have not mentioned it before, so not sure yet if I need to worry.  I will be retested at 36 weeks.  I am also borderline anemic, which means iron rich foods.  Top of my list are cream of wheat and liverwurst.  Organ meats are not my deal.  Finally, I got to see the birth pool at the birth center.  There are many reasons we would not be able to utilize it...but I am hopeful!  It looked like a lovely place to labor/birth.  Baby is doing well.  Oh, the (new/young) midwife also thought baby was posterior and recommended time on my hands and knees.  Not the most comfortable thing to do at this point so I am doing what I can while I await another opinion in a week and a half. 

6. I pulled out the baby girl clothes this week.  It is a bit ridiculous how YELLOW the stains turn while they sit in the bins.  After many washes, oxi soaks and a grass/sun drying...I think they look clean & new. Stains are usually not my thing.  My mother will come to town and purchase every stain remover known to man to fill my cupboard.  I can use each of those and still have no luck getting out stains.  My mom also purchased a book called Stain Rescue a few years back.  I am finally using some of the tips and was able to get felt tip marker out of Augie's church pants this morning.  That was kind of exciting.  Perhaps the bin of clothes being saved for my mother (the queen of all stain removing) will not be so big when she arrives.  

7. My in laws arrive tomorrow.  Looking forward to the visit and the help.  

  

a dirty little secret about adoption

As I opened this page to start to write...a thought dawned on me.  I have a book (sitting 2' above my head in my new office book shelves) that I need to read.  I just pulled it off the shelf.

Recently a fellow foster adoptive mom blogged about the importance of touch to our children.  She gushed over the fact that she relished sharing hugs and contact with her kids through the day.  Her three oldest are biological, her two youngest are adopted from foster care.  

I have been struggling with being maternal.  It comes naturally with Rosie (my bio).  It is significantly more challenging with Augie & Catie.  Augie seeks out hugs and love and is very touch oriented...so he does actually get plenty of affection.  Catie is the opposite.  

In the bible study I mentioned recently, my resolution for the week was to comfort my children when they fall or get hurt.  I had to force myself to pick up and embrace Catie yesterday after she tripped.  

Many adoptive families have only grown through adoption...so perhaps they don't experience this to the same extent as myself, for example, with bio & adopted kiddos.  While my love does not differ, and while I would truly do anything for any of them...my maternal affections need some help.  

I have shared before that I feel deeply that these differences come from the lack of bonding through birth and being deprived of the ability to nurse them.  I did not have the physical maternal experience with bonding hormones for Augie & Catie.  This is where "love is a choice" comes into the repertoire.  I recognize this is something I need to change.  Sometimes we have to force change along by doing things that are not natural or comfortable.  

I am not sure if the above book has information to this affect.  I am hopeful that I will be able to report back with more insight on the topic after I have processed it (and hopefully lived it) further.  

have you heard about sarah?

In April I shared a bit about my trip to FL.  I was able to get to spend a little time with my long lost BFF.

She has been the youth minister at a huge parish in Melbourne for ions.  She has quite a legacy...but I was privileged to spend a big of time in a private concert from one of her former teens.

Sarah Kroger is rocking her way up the Catholic charts and you must listen!  She has frequented the Steubenville circut in past years and debuted in Rio this past week.

Her #2 album was just released on itunes.  Her #1 is not to be missed either.  Please be tempted to purchase the beautiful music of the lovely Sarah Kroger!


 

my crazy BFF & Sarah

another dear friend

she was so sweet to allow us to worship with her...and then photo bomb her

girls night out, private concert followed by drinks on the beach with some of the best girls around

Quick Take Friday

These have to be really quick.  Catie has OT in 42 minutes!

1. I love love love having a finished (finally) downstairs for our office/play/family space.  Oh what a difference flooring makes to making something finished.

2. Oh my tukas!  Last night I was leaning on an office chair, and kerplunk, knocked the whole thing over.  I am okay, but hit my thigh/tukas.  Glad there is time for this bruise to heal before birth.  Husband reminded me that I am a bit top heavy these days.

3. We have been loving the pool.  Augie, age 3.5 is doing a really nice job at learning to swim (the independent way); while Rosie, almost 6 is learning by example, parents and swim class.  Augie is definitely the fish of the family.

4. Outside.  Heaven.  Our local temps dropped from close to 100 down to 70 in the last two days.  Windows open, kids once again allowed to play outside.  Love it!

5. my name is Elisabeth and I am addicted to the iphone.  It is like crack (disclaimer: i have never done an illegal drug in my life).  The last month I have so not tried to give it up on Wednesdays and Sundays.  The ultimate sacrifice that I can.not.make...but must keep trying.  Oh that I could find the joy in my children instead of trying to avoid them all day. 

6. Every week in the bible study I mentioned in this post, we set a goal, or a step to take for that week.  This past week my anger goal was to count to 10 in an anger situation.  In the video that accompanies the study, Jeff Cavin mentioned a really interesting point.  It takes 1-3 seconds for someone to get riled up with anger, which physiologically changes your body.  It can take 30 minutes for that physiological response to anger to subside.  Oh how I can relate to this!  So my goal it to count to 10 and try to stop the response before it happens.  Yesterday I forgot my goal, had to go back and re-read it.  The fortunate thing is that I have not had a need to use it at all this week.  This week's study is on fear.  For me the whole of the study comes back to the anger issue for me.  So the alternative to negative fear = peace & trust in the Lord.  I am seeking peace...specifically in the home.  More on that later.

7. A crazy thing happened this week.  I mentioned before that my brother in law, Fr K, was taking a 2 week pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago (the Way of St James) in Spain.  They arrived in Santiago de Compostella just in time for the vigil & feast day festivities of St James.  The same day a massive train crash happened in the same town, killing 80 people....and subsequently cancelling all feast day events.  I am so grateful that the tradition is for pilgrims to walk into the town...though I know there were others on that train arriving to the town for the event.  Today, the group is to board the train and ride the opposite direction back to Madrid...flying home on Saturday.  Eternal Rest grant unto the dead.  I am grateful for the protection that was over Fr K & the FOCUS pilgrims that day.

Happy Weekend.

on anger

"It is better not to allow anger, however just and reasonable, to enter at all, than to admit it in ever so slight a degree; once admitted, it will not be easily expelled, for, though at first but a small plant, it will immediately grown into a large tree."  St Augustine

And rooting out a large tree ain't an easy job!

I am working through a bible study by Jeff & Emily Cavins called "Walking Toward Eternity."  Each week is a scripture study on a problem topic.  We have covered "Engaging Your Appetites", "Engaging Your Shame", "Engaging Your Envy", and this is my week, "Engaging Your Anger."

The above quote....providentially from my one of my son's patron saints, reminds me of the beginning of my journey to healing.  I was called scrupulous, encouraged that I was a good mother and made to feel that I was exaggerating the issue.  "Anger is not a bad thing" I was told.

Anger is "an emotion which is not in itself wrong, but which, when it is not controlled by reason or hardens into resentment and hate, becomes one of the seven capital sins.  Christ taught that anger is an offence against the fifth commandment."  Catechism Glossary

I am so grateful that I have entered into this journey of trying to root out the anger I had let grow in my heart.  "Once admitted, it will not be easily expelled."  Boy is that the truth!  It has been 18 months since I started on this journey (starting with a Padre Pio incident) and about 9 months of intense working on chopping down the tree.  Anger still rears it's ugly head more frequently than I care to admit.


This week I came down hard on Catie.  Walking down the hall shortly afterwards, Padre Pio, in a prayer card, was staring back at me from the floor.  I know it was either God or Padre Pio who placed himself in my direct path.

That look of..."ELISABETH" was all I needed.  Confession is on my agenda for this weekend.

Did I mention to you that our baby is due on his feast day?  I think he has adopted me as his spiritual child.  All I ever did was pray a novena.  :-)  Padre Pio is a warrior saint for sinners.  I am humbled and grateful for his attention to my soul.

So tonight I pray though Day 2 of my 4 day anger study that will conclude with Lectio Divina.  Lord, open my heart to receive your words.  

Quick Take Friday (on Sunday)

1. I am dying to get that  pink (hello food coloring) cake out of sight when I open my blog.  Thrilled it's a girl, but that cake...oy...very very pink.

2.  I am loving the adoption stories that flooded my blog and facebook recently.  Adoptions truly can happen in the most miraculous and unexpected ways.  If you are pursuing adoption or feel called to pursue adoption, do not despair!  Even after failed adoptions...God is faithful.  I know that He uses every small detail of our life to lead us in dependence on Him.

3. Nesting.  I love it.  It really took until my 3rd trimester to get my bum peeled off the couch/bed/place of rest...but I am loving the motivation to get rid of crap!  With the addition of #4 I am needing to get serious about the amounts of clothing coming into and going out of this house.  I have been a grateful recipient of hand me downs - but really, this is too.much!!  I pulled out all the clothes to change seasons a few months back.  They are coming down and we are weeding out again.  I know of a mom that only kept 7 seasonal outfits in rotation for her kids, to try to keep this problem at bay.  If I can get down to 10...I think I would be doing good.  Any tips for bin keeping/clothes-clutter clearing is appreciated!

4. I wish I would have/could have foster/adoption nested...my house would be much better off.

5. 2.5 months to go!  Everyone that has asked me "how are you feeling" has gotten the response that I am not as bothered by the heat as I expected.  That answer rang true until we camped in 90 degree heat this weekend.  I am grateful that the AC and my bed have helped my ankles return to normal size.  I feel the baby move all the time and it is a glorious feeling.  I am so truly blessed to experience this again.

6.  Our weekend project involved painstakingly scraping all the paint we applied to our concrete basement floor when we could not decide on/afford the right flooring for the space.  We finally settled on carpet squares for ease of replacement & because we have a hugely uneven lower level.  The space is finally coming together and it is so nice to have something other than dirty painted concrete.

We are 90% done with the space and I hope to share some final pics before too long!

7. 40 minutes to Monday and posting my Friday quick takes.  Story of my life. Good night!

The Reveal

We are having a Clare Therese!