This morning at prayer group one of the older women told me about the most beautiful prayer. As she recited the words she teared up. She told me of many miracles she has witnessed in her life from this novena.
When I came home I looked it up and discovered it is associated with St Andrew. The Saint Andrew prayer starts on his feast day, November 30th and is recited 15 times a day until Christmas.
What a beautiful and perfect way for our family to enter in to the season of Advent!
A few years ago I was inspired to celebrate Advent and withhold Christmas celebrations for closer to the liturgical season. It is so tough! Especially now as Rosie asks me daily to get our tree, hang up a wreath, hang lights, etc. My husband is surrounded by Christmas music at work and has to "turn that off" when he comes home. I found this cute picture on Facebook:
I need to find ways to help our family CELEBRATE Advent. So, we will start with the novena. Hopefully add some family prayer time to our evenings and carve out a little more time for family fun.
(JBTC, I just read your blog with info on the devotion!)
After posting every day of October, I have logged all of 3 posts for November. Sorry! :)
Short story...
Miracles are still happening in my life and the anger, though present, has been manageable. I had my first session with a therapist and he was amazing. If I can figure out how to finance him...I hope to continue to work with him (more on therapy in a future post).
Long Story...
One of the issues that came up in our discussion was dealing with infertility. It occurred to me that I have dealt with many of the bigger issues from my past, but I have never dealt with infertility. I am convinced it left a big deep wound in me...and especially in my relationship with the Lord.
With the blessing of children, that wound received a massive sized band aid. But it was never treated. It has certainly not healed.
Perhaps that is the reason why this timeis hurting again. We have been married 10 years. In all those years we have never tried to avoid pregnancy. Nine beautiful months I had the joy of experiencing life in my womb (and a few months of natural infertility). So, essentially, I have had 9 years of unnatural infertility.
My last 5 years have been filled with the joy of children and the blessings of adoption. My life has been filled and I did not notice the infertility. At some points I was afraid of ever being open again. "With all this stress, how on earth could I ever do this again??" As the kids grow, so does my openness. But infertile openness & infertile trying are different.
As a Fertility Care Practitioner I understand that often behavior changes before expressed intention. For example, a fertile couple may start to use fertile days, or become more lax, before they officially declare they want to try to conceive.
I have been targeting fertility for longer than I have expressed my openness. But I fear/dread/loathe the idea of infertile trying. And I can't do foster care now. That requires it's own openness. I am not there yet.
As happy events occur around me, I realize I am still and again..infertile. And that this...is something that I need to deal with.
What a week. I spent the morning yesterday among tearful women at prayer group. For all those who have prayed so faithfully, He has not abandoned you.
One woman discussed the sin cycles that can be found in the Old Testament. When people get lax they slip into a state of sin, then desperation, than they cry "help me!" and then God comes and rescues them, they are redeemed, then start to become lax again.
I don't understand why so many people accept everything that is contrary to the Gospel. We are in the depths of sin and desperation. Let's keep calling for help! God IS hearing our prayers.
---- 2 ----
From Leila, I found the website for The Recovered Catholic. I loved several of her quotes. This one is on my heart this morning:
"If you are a Catholic American citizen and voted for Obama yesterday, do know that you were not morally permitted to do so."
The fact that the "Catholic" vote went in favor of Obama, sickens me. I wish those people who were Catholic in name only would stop identifying themselves as Catholic. For those that are Church goers or identify themselves as "faithful catholics". God help you. I am amazed at how many people can sit in the pews and still reject the Gospel outright. Jesus and his Catholic church stands against abortion. Against homosexual marriage. Against attacks on embryonic life and elderly. If you stand for those, you should not be receiving communion. Your Amen does not mean "I believe." We are in need of such a deep purging and deep conversion. This is my prayer.
---- 3 ----
This morning Chris Tomlin's song "I will rise" is on my heart. The lyrics spoke to me.
Jesus has overcome.
And the grave is overwhelmed.
The victory is won.
He is risen from the dead.
---- 4 ----
The year of faith.
Somewhere in this these two things will play together. We are asked by our bishops to invite an inactive Catholic back to church. Please read 10 Ways Catholics Can Live the Year of Faith and prayerfully consider adding a few ideas into your week.
I have witnessed several miracles/victories this week through my work as a Fertility Care Practitioner. I adore the work that I do. There is nothing more rewarding than to see conversion happen in front of you and to be used by God. I am honored to sit at the desk that is sometimes on the "front lines" and speak truth, challenge hearts and encourage healing.
If you have ever considered becoming an FCP, please think about taking the next step and starting the education process. God will provide the finances. I can not think of a better more beautiful way to fight against the war on women.
---- 6 ----
While I am grateful I had the opportunity to vote, my election day was spent with medical professions. Namely, rushing my daughter to a children's hospital ER.
I don't know how much I can write because this is where the tears come.
Moments in parenting that bring you to your knees.
On Sunday my daughter was under the couch looking for a dumb $3 ring that I told her I would not replace. My husband was sitting on the recliner. He got up and did not realize she was under him. On Tuesday she woke up and could not move her neck. We scheduled an appointment with the chiropractor. She then referred us to the Children's hospital. X-Rays and the Cat Scan revealed that she suffered a C2 Cervical Subluxation.
She is to wear an immobilization collar for 1-8 weeks, or longer. Surgery may be needed to fuse C1 and C2 together.
She wears the collar 24 hours a day. It is not to be removed. It can not get wet. She misses out on recess, her favorite part of the day. The hardest thing for Rosie is having question after question of "what happened?" I told her we should think of a silly story. She came up with "a tiger jumped on me!" My father suggested her collar should be gussied up with fake jewels. I think we shall do that this weekend.
The hardest thing for me is seeing my husband shattered because he felt like he broke his daughter. On election night we turned off the tv and prayed together with tears. Not for our country, but for our family. For healing. For no guilt.
My Beautiful Girl
---- 7 ----
I would be grateful for your prayers for Rosie's healing. Healing that her ligaments pull her C2 back into proper position quickly. Prayers that no surgery is required and she will be quickly able to get back to normalcy. Prayers that there is no permanent damage or future difficulty as a result of this accident.
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection,
implored your help or sought your intercession,
was left unaided.
Inspired with this confidence,
I fly to you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother;
to you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful.
I felt like I missed several days as a result of the hurricane and was going to go back and reorganize a bit to give myself a few more posts. Then I saw the calendar. Tomorrow is October 31st. The last day of my series dedicated to anger.
I feel like I should have done more, said more. But here I am. At the end. I am at peace.
Last night, with the threat of loosing power. I baked a pie and carved pumpkins with my family. As my 5 year old sat on my lap I held her had and taught her how to carve the pumpkin. Today we sat together for two hours and made Minnie Mouse ears for their costumes. These little moments are the ones I love the most. They are the ones that help me remember I am a good mom.
Last week Rosie wanted to watch the movie of St Therese. She cried at the end. We talked about death. Now that she is 5 we are having more life lessons. I love it. This is also the time that I am recognizing that she is thriving as a result of all the blood, sweat and tears. She is an amazing little...princess. (I type because she is fully convinced she is a princess and I love it!)
I really truly LOVE being a mom. It is the most amazing and incredible gift I have ever received. I love raising children. It is the hardest, craziest, scariest, most insane thing I have ever been a part of...and I would not change anything for the world.
These little people are making me a better person. They are my path to heaven. They are the needy that I serve. The hungry that I feed. The poor that I give everything to.
Day 31. I am an amazing mom. I do amazing, incredible things every day. God wants you to know you are an amazing mom. An amazing woman. An amazing person.
As for moving forward, whatever it takes, I will do. My children are worth more to me than anything else in this world. This series was for them. I love you babies. Please never forget how much I love you!!
I had a conversation on Friday with a Catholic therapist that was recommended to me by a girlfriend.
He is long distance and he totally speaks my language. He used words like "Chrisian anthropology" and "true femininity". I used words like "my goal is to get out of therapy as fast as possible". It sounds like he is in support of that. We are going to be having an intake double session via skype soon.
(posted in advance while we still have power. it is flickering)
Behind schedule in posting because we have been busy preparing for Hurricane Sandy. Early models showed the eye going right over our town. Now, quite a few hours into the storm, I have no idea where she is...but, the storm has just picked up a bit. We were expecting the biggest part of her tonight over us. Thanks for any prayers.
Our electric is blinking...so this may be my last post for a bit (unless i cell phone it).
Saturday I attended a training on RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Catie is most definitely at risk. But, so far, no signs of not attaching, so that was a big sigh of relief.
I have not had much time to reflect on the topic. The most I got however, was that anger is like a hurricane. I am just going to leave it at that.
Attended a training on Alternatives to Physical Discipline
Spoken for the first time and scheduled my first appointment with a counselor Attended a training on Reactive Attachment Disorder
(and attended a foster parent family night).
Busy day & a half!
Since, as of this writing I have not attended the RAD workshop, I am going to focus on the first workshop.
I signed up for this a month ago because I need to complete 12 training hours to keep my foster parent license active. I was, of course, interested in the topic. When I found out some foster parents would be required to attend, I was a bit worried. The session was better than expected.
It was set up in a bit of a round table format. Instead of being lectured to, the majority of the session involved learning from one another's experiences. Instead of the session being conducted by a 22 year old case worker who has never parented, it was conducted by two long-time veteran foster parents with about 50 years of parenting (and a zillion kids) between them.
The take home lesson for me was abusers are not always bad people. Most of the time a child abuser is a relatively normal person who snaps under pressure. This is excluding sexual abuse and relates to instances of severe physical abuse.
One foster mom discussed two kids she had. One was burned on the back with an iron. One was thrown, resulting in numerous skull fractures. Both situations involved one instance of severe abuse and in both cases the mother lost her child. Obviously, because of the snap, the women's lives will never ever ever be the same again.
A little more than a month ago I had reached a breaking point with Catie. She was screaming for an hour or more, instead of napping. Obviously, she was not going to stop screaming without me. I did not want to go in and get her. As I sat outside her room, my anger was only escalating. I did not see how this situation was going to end good. This was my breaking point. My husband came home, I asked him to come into the room, we cleared the children and had a mini intervention. I contemplated my future on my current course. Injured child? Jail? Loosing my kids? I am in CYS world, I know what happens.
That was the moment that led me to this series.
In our session today we did an activity where we all started with a balloon. As the veteran foster mom labelled stressors that we may have faced we added air to our balloons. As we looked at our full balloons, she challenged us to remember the stressors were not entirely our children. As she listed some possibilities to take the air out of our balloons (exercise, prayer, doing something for yourself, etc) not many of us lost air.
Finally, a resource that we all brought home was a little book called "Think Twice: The Medical Effects of Physical Punishment."
For other parents who struggle with the topic of physical discipline, it may be a book worth buying off Amazon.
Flipping through the pages it makes my heart sick. "Abusers are not bad people. They are normal people that snap under pressure."
So today I want to share a question purposed by the priest in confession two weeks ago. When he asked, I recoiled. I did not want to blog about it because I was embarrassed he would even ask such a thing.
The question: "Are you angry with God for giving you a child with issues?" "Do you think that if that child was biological, they would have been perfect?"
When this was asked, nothing about the statement struck me as truth.
1. I did not feel angry at God.
2. (recited to myself) "I love all my children and there is no difference between them!"
Rosie, my 5 year old biological daughter, has excelled through her developmental milestones. She is the greatest joy and a beautiful, incredible miracle.
Augie is approaching 3. Catie is approaching 2. Both are adopted from foster care. Augie has speech delays, oral stimulation issues, chiari 1 malformation and possibly something else. He was clinically diagnosed with Williams Syndrome and we are still trying to figure out if he actually has this genetic condition. Catie was born drug addicted. She has struggled with feeding issues, feeding tubes, gross motor development, temperament and now eye issues.
Augie & Catie both receive early intervention (speech, ot, pt) and have been highly involved with doctors and specialists their entire little lives.
Am I angry with God for giving me a child with issues?
This is a heavy question. I love all my children desperately and I do not want to live my life without a single one of them.
Do I feel the same towards my biological child as I do towards my adopted children?
Heavier question.
I have spent a good amount of time wrestling with the facts. I did not get to nurse or co sleep with my adopted children. As a result we turned to cry it out, because I could not comfort them in the same way I naturally comforted my daughter. Was there early bonding differences? Absolutely. Bonding with a foster child takes time. It is often an arduous process while you are wondering if you can let your heart go there.
We have an open relationship with Augie's parents. I hear from her regularly. My heart is constantly wrestling with the fact that there is another mother out there. Another father who loves him. He is mine. But not quite entirely.
I am sure I will be dealing with this with Catie before long.
God has chosen me to be mama to these two special people. I am so thankful. I can not imagine a quiet life without them. I am SO SO SO grateful Rosie gets to be a big sister. She is an incredible big sister.
I can not answer the question, but it challenges my heart.
Adoption would not exist without sin.
To some degree or another this is all about dealing with the sucky brokenness of our world. I wish my children were not broken. I wish my children were all biologically mine.
Our God is a God of Redemption. Out of the ashes we rise. He has given me an incredible mission. To redeem my children*. That is my purpose.
* Theologically....I know it is God that is redeeming them. But when I look up the definition of redemption, it is beautiful. I am rescuing them and I am claiming them. I am giving them to God to do the rest.
~~~~~~~~ miracle alert: Yesterday I was talking about PMS knocking on my door. Today my period arrived. What??? Woah?? This evening I asked my husband, "did you notice my pms?" "No." And I am certain my children did not notice. For me, this is huge!
Today, in discussing house rules with my kids....we talked about no hitting, no spitting, etc etc. And then we talked about speaking in kindness. Well, what good am I unless those rules apply to me too?
No hitting.
I am doing pretty good. We are doing pretty good. Significantly better. That said, PMS is knocking on my door. I feel it creeping up. The anxiety building. But, yesterday I had the same stressful situation happen and the outcome was different. Something is happening. Change is happening in me.
The change I still need to make is to use kind words. The threats are still there. "Do you need a spanking?" "Do you need me to spanka ya hiney?" No matter how cute the delivery or the response "no! no spanka my hiney!" the threat is still there. The anger is still looming. "I just want to tape her mouth shut!" I said after a full day of being followed by a one year chanting "Dink?" "dink!" "apple juice!"
Parenthood is challenging.
It is the thing that breaks you.
I am broken. But I am blessed.
Faith is carrying me over these painful rocks. Jesus created me to be good. To love well. He burned this desire into my heart from the earliest age. I see my own 5 year old daughter and imagine it is like listening to what I must have been like. She is constantly talking about having a baby in her belly. I wanted to be a mama as long as I can remember.
These are his children.
All of them.
I need to stop seeing them as mine and look at them as His. If Jesus was sitting in the room with me, what kind of parent would I be? Well...He is sitting in the room with me. He is here.
This is the Year of Faith. I am planning a retreat for Advent for women and the topic will be on "Bringing the Year of Faith Home".
Jesus. Let me start by bringing you home. Back into my home. Please help me see my precious children through your eyes. To love them with your love. Jesus, I trust in you!
Start with super duper overwhelmed stay at home mom - check
add three little kids - check
add tantrums - check
add poorly executed discipline - check
insert feeding issues, gagging, etc - check
insert stressed out dad - check
mom who is left feeling purposeless - check
I choose the episode because it fairly accurately mirrored our current life situation.
Lessons that I learned from this episode:
1. Start with a schedule. We have utilized this several times in the past. It is time to give it a go again. The schedule can help realize blocks of time that are otherwise wasted by running around being overwhelmed. It can also be an important tool to keep the family running. If your son misses his nap, so be it! Don't turn into the "you-must-take-a-nap-nazi" (guilty) and ruin the rest of the day for a nap that may never happen.
2. Poorly executed discipline does not count for discipline. Consistency in following the steps properly is key. I needed the review.
step 1 - at child's eye level give a warning in a firm voice
step 2 - take the child to the naughty spot and explain (to their face) why you are putting them there
step 3 - walk away - 1 min of time out per year
step 4 - return and explain (to their face) why they were in time out
step 5 - child apologizes, hugs and kisses
3. Feeding issues has become a big deal for us lately. I needed to watch Jo's technique in this clip. We actually got Augie to swallow a large mouth full of pocketed food tonight...a near impossible accomplishment. Eat or time out. Poor parenting at the dinner table can lead to impossibly picky eaters. We need to nip this one in the bud!
4. Dad time. I loved the "brother's box" idea in this episode. When dad comes home, he sits down with the kids and they choose an activity from the box. It gives everyone much needed together time (or for mom's part, separation time). I think we are definitely going to have to do this. We, the women, tend to be the creative thinkers. It is helpful to have a routine that involves dad playing with the kids.
5. Mom without purpose. No matter how many inspiring quotes I read... A mother is the most important person on earth. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any Cathedral -- a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby's body. -- Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty
...I still feel drained, under appreciated and without significant purpose.
I am still connected to somethings I feel very passionate about. Mainly, right now, my work as a Fertility Care Practitioner and NFP promoter. I am grateful for a husband who is supportive in this endeavor. My appointments and the work I do in the Diocese recharge my passions. I am so grateful for this.
The second take on this is mom without "me" time. Exercise. It is coming, I promise. I may not actually blog about this until day 31, but exercise is wonderful me time (that I need to take significantly more than I do).
Supernanny has been on my heart and in the back of my mind for years. So thanks blog world for being my road back home.
I have been convicted before. So often the root problem in parenting is not the behavior of the children, it is the expectation of the parents.
I remember when Rosie was two. We were having sleep issues. I happened to be attending a conference where Dr Popcak was speaking. I don't recall how I ended up in a mini-session with him...therapists must be good at that....but he ended up challenging my expectations. He encouraged me to think beyond the surface to understand her behaviors. Those 3 minutes were so important.
Suddenly that huge issue was not so huge. When I understood the behavior was related to an insecurity and I could help her through the insecurity, the behavior began to change.
In the last year I have been telling many I am "surviving" parenthood. Once upon a time I read parenting books. With three little ones, I just do. I just "survive." When I started this series this idea of expectations came to mind. In confession, the priest challenged me again about my expectations.
Much of my parenting anger could potentially be resolved by expecting, anticipating or understanding "bad" behavior of my 1 and 2 year olds.
How to go about this is the challenge.
I just downloaded the app for Ave Maria radio and will try to start podcasting. Dr Popcak and his wife start at 12pm EST. Dr Ray Guarendi and Colleen Mast discuss parenting topics at 1pm EST. I am hoping to try to catch a couple of these a week...or even one a week as a personal parenting challenge.
I am praying to find the right resource to connect with. The right book? The right author? The right podcast? The right anything.
Dave Ramsey has helped my husband and I tremendously in our financial life. Hopefully someone will click with us as parents.
1. This is a month filled with grace (retreat, anniversary trip, among other things). But don't let me fool you. This issue has not magically resolved for me. I need to be reading and re-reading my own posts and hold my self to to challenges I am setting forth.
2. In the "among other things" category listed above, there is a training next week for Alternatives to Physical Discipline. I signed up primarily because I need training hours and secondarily because of the topic. I did not know I would be in the middle of this series when I signed up. I will be sitting among foster parents who are required to attend because they have used physical discipline on a foster child. Humbling myself, yet again, to be attending this training among those who have been "called out."
Now on the the fun. Dedicating the rest of my quick takes to NY Wine Country, aka the Finger Lakes.
“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.”
3. We started on Canandaigua. Our bed and breakfast was beyond fabulous. This was the first time we had ever B&B'd and the Inn on the Main set the bar very high!
our private sitting room
Some to-die-for french toast dish. The woman next to me
kept chanting it would be so rude not to eat it.
4. For our anniversary dinner I surprised Paul with a 2 1/2 hour cooking class at the New York Wine and Culinary Center. So. Much. Fun! He said it took him about 30 minutes to get over the fact he had to cook his own fancy food - but confessed how much he enjoyed it. Walking in and out of class to refil wine as needed was an extra plus. Take away lesson from our class "Hot Pan, Cold Oil". Also, it set us off on our wine trail search with the added mission of finding great cheese. The cheddar we used in our potato dish was so so good!
5. The wine trails were so much fun. We started with the recommendations of friends. By the end of day 1 we almost had two cases!! Bully Hill for lunch is a must-do. Our favorite wines by far were Dr Frank. Pity they don't sell to our state. We may just have to make this a regular trip. ;-)
6. Mid October was the perfect time of year to get married! How gorgeous was this!?
Roadside grapes...yes please!
7. We finished our trip with a little detour to a Hobby Lobby where I picked up this adorable pumpkin and the letters for a cute project I found online. Then we pressed hard on the gas to get home to our family.
There is little that brings me more joy than sharing the faith.
Today I had the opportunity to do this twice. Holy boldness.
We are so afraid of others. We are so afraid of offending. We are so afraid of what would happen if we shared our faith. I am often that person who is afraid.
Today, I was unafraid.
When God puts something on your heart - go for it! Jump and don't look back.
“Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair.”
― G.K. Chesterton
home. home feels great. i have been writing my posts several days at a time to keep up with being away (3 trips in the last 10 days). i am finally home.
The kids had a fantastic time with their grandparents. Momma & Papa had a fantastic time with each other. Pictures of the gorgeousness of the finger lakes to follow.
For now, one thought.
Stepping away from the challenges (even for a few hours) helps tremendously to recognize the blessings. I adore my babies. Coming home it was a couple of hours of hugs before the stress of mommy hood descended again. But, thanks be to God, I can look again at each of my children and enjoy them. I love them for who they are and how the gift of each one has added so much to my life.
Last week was complete chaos. We drove our family through the night twice. On the way home I had precious conversation with my husband in the still and quiet of the middle of the night. Somewhere around 3.30am and somewhere in the middle of PA, I had a couple of realizations with the help of my husband.
I am still processing all of this.
The idea of therapy scares the poop out of me. I feel above this. For so many reasons I have wanted to avoid this my whole life.
If it will help me be a better mom...then I will do it. I must do it.
My hope is it will be for a brief time in my life. With an end goal. To help me understand the source of my anger. Is it nature? Is it nurture? Are these issues related to infertility? Adoption? Something else?
I feel I have spiritually dealt with issues of my past. The last two years have been huge for forgivenss and undstanding.* Now it is time to talk it through and look at it from a different prespective. I am thankful for friends who have humbly shared their journeys with me and who have given me the courage to move foward.
* Two specific things for me:
1. The Unbound Freedom in Christ conference with Neal Lozano. I so highly recommend Neal, his book and this conference.
2. Padre Pio. His intercession has been huge in helping me see things with clarity in my life. I have no specific recommendations, but whatever you can read, do, pray to initiate a relationship with this amazing confessor and reader of souls can only benefit you.
On the same day I purchased this t-shirt from my retreat, my girlfriend posted this quote on my blog. I think God wanted these words shared.
What can Mother Teresa teach us about peace? Plenty. What can she teach a mother? Everything.
"One woman powerfully in love with God changes everything around her."
The retreat director preached about Mother's teaching to her superiors. Here are a couple of key points from his talk.
- We are first called to be present (to our children) rather than to do work.
- We are to create a house of love, joy and peace, regardless of who is in our home.
- Am I motherly? Do I bring hope?
- We need to teach our children obedience, trust, self denial and fidelity. True obedience makes us martyrs.
- To be obedient, we must have a deep spiritual life.
- Temptation steals your obedience - this quote directly inspired me to keep all glowing screens in a designated area in our home.
- The Eucharist is our obedience pill.
Peace. We need to bring peace to our house, not chaos. We need to show love, not anger. We are an invaluable, un-replacable part of God's plan for our children.
When I talk about peace, I think I have to take myself out of the equation for my family to achieve this. This is the greatest lie of the Devil. He wants us to beleive we are the problem. God NEEDS us to know we are the answer. We are so so so so so needed. We can bring peace. God, help us bring peace to our family.
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