overcoming anger {day 10} working through the challenges

Here I am, far from home, after driving through the night and caring for three very unruly little people through 4 hours of a 6 hour wake.

My husband's grandfather passed away.  We drove 12 hours to stay one night before we turn around and drive home.  Needless to say I did not adhere to my bedtime rule.  I am working off of maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep.  The kids only a bit more.  Overall, it is not pretty.

Tonight, I spanked.

This reinforces the seriousness of my bed time.  This also reinforces the need to negotiate parenting through times when sleep is deprived.  I am doing bedtime on my own while my husband is at the wake.  My patience is zilch.  My husband confessed the same. 

How does one handle this situation? 

We are still learning our way through this whole thing too.  I don't have the answer yet.  But sleep is SUPER important.

overcoming anger {day 9} no superficial blogging here

I found out about this idea of a 31 days series from Chatting at the Sky.  The idea originated from a blogger called The Nester.  There are over 1200 bloggers participating.  As I scroll through the LARGE list of blogs, I see few that could be categorized under "31 days of change" Nestergirl asks "which one will change you?"

Well, not 31 days of jokes or 31 days of fun.  Not 31 days of halloween or 31 days of pinterest.

This gives me a big idea of the state of the blogging world.  So very often it so very superficial.  I do love a good decorating blog.  Or a blog with lovely photographs.  I used to follow more of the blogs with creative ideas for kids.  Once upon a time, I was linked up to some good homeschool blogs.  There are some really great blogs under all of these topics.  The problem for many is that they only show the pretty.

My fear over doing this topic was 31 days of focusing on the ugly.  Who wants to read about that?  God was calling me to be real.  Very real.  Very transparent.

Is a blog a place to bare your soul?  For many people, yes.  I started our blog when we started our adoption journey.  A girlfriend introduced me to a community of infertility bloggers.  These women most certainly bare their souls.  They share their struggles.  The blog world creates an opportunity for community.

The problem for me?  This blog has been shared far and wide with people I know in real life.  

My adoption journey blog became my baby blog and then my foster parent blog and now my parenting blog.      "This" blog, is my most real.  I am happy to be real.  I have never been a fan of masks.  My real blog solicits many real phone calls from real family members.  Perhaps a good thing?  Certainly I am so much more transparent to my mother than her mother was to her.

God has called me to be very real.  He led me to set up this blog 6 years ago for a reason.  I have the followers I have for a reason.  Am I sharing more of myself than I would like.  Yes.  But this is not about me.  This is about Him.  This is about His miracles, His healing..and what He is capable of doing.

overcoming anger {day 8} DO NOT dismiss it

Holy Confession!  I feel like I was hit over the head with a big clue by four.  I am back from retreat and with a little wisdom to pass on.

Anger is a BIG issue.  Don't dismiss it!  Humble yourself.  Put on your big girl pants and deal with it...professionally.

Do not underestimate the seriousness of anger.

In attempting to deal with this for several months on my own, and through several confessions...I finally have marching orders.  Confession is not the end.  A healing service is not the answer.  These were both spring boards for the work that I must do.  Freedom must be fought for on a daily basis.  I was given some serious thoughts to contemplate, specifically on my own anger issues, and related to infertility and adoption.  I will consider sharing these in a future reflection.  But essentially, seek to find the source of the anger and use whatever resources available in this search.

overcoming anger {day 7} you are not alone

The Sabath.  Sunday.  A day of rest.  On the seventh day, He rested.  We should rest.  We should worship.  I am not in this alone.  I can not do this alone.  Alone, I would most certainly be declared an incompetent parent.  I am not alone.

He is fighting for me. 

I type this before I have fully embraced this reality. 

I feel alone in this struggle.  How many prayers have I prayed and yet, the grace that should be enough, just isn't.  Or it feels like it is not.  He is fighting for me.  Dear Lord, please help me know this, believe this, trust this.  Amen.

overcoming anger {day 6} let it go

Let it go!  My preferred method of letting it go is the sacrament of confession.  Not sure what Budha would think of that, but these words he offered are so true.  Anger, unforgiveness...they are only harming the one holding on to them. 

 

So far, not quite one week into this exercise, I am feeling the fruits of my challenges.  The bed time is huge!  I am still feeling the anger.  I am still having moments of extreme frustration.  I am still yelling.  I have still spanked.  But, progress is happening in my soul. 

 

As you read this, I will be on retreat.  A silent, women's retreat.  I have not been on a retreat for me in over 12 years.  God will surely be speaking.  I can't wait to listen.  I am craving the silence and the time with Him.  I am craving a holy confession with a spiritual priest.  I am estatic about the idea of being in my Father's arms and remembering how I am loved and cherished.  Remembering I am good. 

 

Pray for me.  I will pray for you!

overcoming anger {day 5} find joy in your day

A few months back I picked up a copy of "The Love Dare".   I flipped through and decided to try day one.  You can read the 40 days of dares without buying the book here. 

Day 1 was to resolve to say nothing negative to your spouse. 

My husband did not know what I was doing but was pleasantly surprised to hear a postivive feedback, rather than the usualy negative comments he so often hears. 

I mentioned this to another woman who said what a blessing this would be for her husband.  She mentions that usually when he walks into the door at the end of the day he is baraged with reports of all the negatives that happened that day.  I do the same thing.  Think of how different it would be to greet your spouse and share the joys. 

{day 5} Enjoy the the little moments. Find a moment to rejoice in and share that with your spouse. 

overcoming anger {day 4} know your enemy

The Holy Spirit has arrived!

Did I tell you my brother in law is a priest?  He is.  And a damn good one!  :)  He has my back and tonight he shared a link that I HAVE TO share, because it is so SO powerfully IT!

Know your enemy!!  Obvious Right?  Satan.  The devil.  He is the one who wants to destroy my family.  My marriage   My children.  Me.

I saw this posted on FB the other day.  I did not click on it.  IF YOU READ ANYTHING FROM MY SERIES (at least thus far, lol) READ THIS LINK!

How to Kick Satan out of Your Home: Fight for it Mama!

"The discontent happens slowly, while you think yourself quite fine, and then one day you realize you do not recognize the bitter, screeching, heathenistic mess, obsessed with stupid nonsense, that you have become. My number one clue that I have succumbed to the temptation of demons trying to harm my family is when I hear my own hurtful sarcasm, and my prayers sound like this: “Dear God, do you see how they are? Look at them! How am I supposed to bear these people?”

This is hitting the big fat devil on the head.  Yes!  Thank you Stacy!  

overcoming anger {day 3} know your weak times

It seems I have my family worried. These posts are not because I feel like a failure. They are because I know I can do better. It is okay to be angry. It is not okay to show extreme angry to my children. Or spank angry.

As a woman I fully embrace the hormonal mess that I can be. Knowing my weak times - all of them - is helpful. I know on a daily basis around 3 or 4pm things can go bad fast. And the end of my cycle things get worse.

I have not found the best way to navigate the weak times; but I fully believe awareness is especially important. My husband knows these weak times and prepares to be extra forgiving during PMS.

I am hoping God fills in some of the blanks through the month, especially surviving in weakness.

...stay tuned.

overcoming anger {day 2} - find support

"Woe to you, Jerusalem! How long will it be before you are clean?" Jeremiah 13:27

This was the scripture that came to me in prayer last Monday night.  You thought I might be joking about the state of my soul?   

Awhile back I found a blog that spoke to me about the isolation of motherhood, especially the difference of being a stay at home mom 50 years ago versus being a stay at home mom today.  Our world does not support the at home mom as it did in generations past.  One of the challenges issued was to seek community. 

On the inspiration of that blog, I joined a Thursday morning mom's prayer group.  It has been a blessing a source of accountability in my life.  I have cried before these women more than once about the issue of anger in my motherhood.    

How long will it be before I am clean?  My husband helps tremendously.  I swatted a bum (of a child whose face was licking bugs off our screen door).  Immediately I pulled my hand back.  Mr B&B was on the other side of the door.  He knew too.  We are in this together.  No more spanking!  

{day 1: set a bed time}
{day 2: find support}

overcoming anger {day 1} set a bedtime

Anger is something I have been struggling with in my motherhood for the last year.  I was made spiritually aware of the darkness of my soul last spring.

I never wanted to spank.

I never wanted to yell.

I never wanted to be so upset with being a mom - a  full time, all the time, stay at home mom.

I was desperate for motherhood for almost 5 years before it came.  And in 4 years I have been blessed 3 times.  Once biologically.  Twice by adoption.   My youngest two are medically challenging and they are toddlers.  We have multiple therapists in our house a week.  My 1 year old was born addicted to drugs.  She screams. Still.

I felt the need to put my life in perspective to give myself a pat on the back.  I am the mother of babies.  Tough babies.  I need some tougher skin.  I need to stop spanking.  I need to find joy in my children and my life once again.

For that reason, God has put this series on my heart.  For 31 days I am going to focus on this topic and share whatever the Holy Spirit gives me along the way.  I hope that it can be helpful to other women struggling.  I have been told time and time again, I am not alone in this struggle.

~~~~~

31 Days of Overcoming Anger
{day 1} Set a Bed Time

At the advice of my wise husband, I am going to do my best to have an earlier bed time.  Starting today, my bedtime is 10pm.  Sleep buys patience.  Patience is needed in my house.  I can't afford to waste this precious should-be-sleeping time on mindless web browsing or movie watching.

{day 2} find support
{day 3} know your weak times
{day 4} know your enemy
{day 5} find joy in your day
{day 6} let it go
{day 7} you are not alone
{day 8} DO NOT DISMISS IT
{day 9} no superficial blogging here
{day 10} working through the challenges
{day 11} rid your house of floating screens
{day 12} rejoice in the wonderful
{day 13} thank you
{day 14} rescue
{day 15} peace
{day 16} dealing with it
{day 17} sometimes you need to step away
{day 18} share your light
{day 19} quick takes edition
{day 20} lower your expectations
{day 21} watch supernanny
{day 22} what supernanny taught me
{day 23} take courage
{day 24} use kind words
{day 25} on adoption
{day 26} on grace
{day 27} physical discipline
{day 28 & 29} anger is like a hurricane
{day 30} therapy
{day 31 & beyond} learning & growing from therapy

Quick Takes Friday

-1-

This time last week I was presenting NaPro to a group of about 30 residents and physicians at our local catholic hospital.  Not the main presenter...I was the support crew for two amazing non-prescribing docs.  I was honored to watch them present about the risks of hormonal contraception, especially the BCP and breast cancer link.  It seemed like at least one resident was ready to stop taking the pill. 

We may never see the effects of that event but those residents think twice before pulling out their prescription pad, it will be a good thing.  It was wonderful and I hope the first of many more.  I am being more and more convinced about these sessions happening outside of the church and inside of the hospital.

-2-

Last week my big event was finishing the laundry room!  This week I am working on the downstairs play/living area.  Hoping I can make some big progress before back to back company arrives next Thursday.

-3-

 

Sleep dilemma.  If my 33 month old son takes a nap he is easily up until 10 or 11pm.  He goes into his room at bedtime, 7.30pm.  Then begins the cycle of door open until he drives us crazy.  Door closed, until we can't take the screaming.  Light on.  Light off. Door open again and repeat.  I am thinking that we should try to give up naps.  He only actually takes them following nights like this, and this it is a vicious cycle.  Hoping to find ways to settle a toddler for night time, because bedtime routine is not enough for this one.  

-4-

This last week was ROUGH.  Something not super good is going on with my cycles.  I think it is the absence of supplemental progesterone and estrogen in my post peak phase.  I will be resuming them for the next cycle in the hopes I don't turn into a raging lunatic again.  I have cried to more than a few people this week.  I am grateful it is in the "daylight", that I am talking about it, but just wishing I can figure this thing out and be rid of it.  I am not me and it makes me most sad for my kids. 

PMS is serious business.  Living in the mental asylum, aka staying at home with little children, is tough.  At some point you start to cross the border from sane to insane.  Usually it happens without warning.  I am dedicating October to dealing with this issue and hopefully help myself avoid the crashes.

-5-

If you did not yet read about a miracle in blogland that I discovered, please click here.  I am in awe of my beautiful friend Alison who truly truly is making something tragic into something beautiful.

-6-

Still hoping to connect these beautiful children with a forever family.  They live close to me.  Their foster mom was my daughter's first foster mom.  They have a unique case and for that reason need a family in the Eastern PA area.  I was told by a sweet couple that interviewed for them "It will take a special and anointed family to care for these little ones."   Please keep sharing the word until that couple is found!  If the geographical requirement changes, I will let you know! 

Oh my goodness, side note!  Check out this sweet angel! 

-7-

Two weeks from today I am skipping town for an anniversary trip.  Counting down!!

help bring peter home

so, i was clicking around blogland tonight...

Thanks to Grace (and grace) I clicked the second link over to Heidi.  As I am reading down her adoption post I suddenly see a picture of my friend, Alison.  I think, "why is she on here?" and did a major double take when I realized why the picture of her family was on that blog.

Wow.  I am truly speechless.  Start clicking to find out why. Or just click on Heidi and help bring Peter home!

31 days of blogging about one topic

not sure if this is providential or suicide.

chatting at the sky is a blog that i have on my side bar and very occasionally follow.  i am not sure how i found her blog.  it is simple and there is beauty in her simplicity.  i just clicked on her link.  as i read my heart was drawn in to the concept. 

as i contemplated, it was not long before a topic came to my mind. 

it is my current state of life, likely influenced by pms.  it is the darkest part of my soul right now and that which is floating to the surface, desparate to be skimmed off. 

31 days of confession
31 days of struggling
31 days of being lifted up
31 days of reclaiming a beautiful motherhood

oct 1-oct 31

project: laundry room

We are among the slowest re-modelers you will meet.  Because we DIY as money allows, our remodeling projects can take forever.  Literally years.  When we moved into our "fixer-upper" in 2008 the projects we first envisioned (kitchen, bathrooms) were quickly trumped by projects that must be dealt with - insulation, heat, windows, mold...

Mold.  On that note, let me take you to our former laundry room closet. 

2008 - before we knew what "that smell" was

Finding the source of the stink: mold, eech!

The lower level of our split level was half garage, half living area.  Obviously, the mold needed to be addressed so that area was gutted and removed, drywall and all.  Add to the list above.  Drywall.  We are removing and replacing most of the drywall in this house because our house has been well lived in by the animal species. 

During this demo we found a bird nest in the garage ceiling

Eventually our laundry machines made their way into our garage.

2009-2012

The room was not super conducive to laundry as the concrete floor was always dusty/dirty.  I brought laundry upstairs to fold and piles of laundry around your house is never good. 

A few months ago my parents asked me for birthday ideas for my husband and I.  Sitting in the laundry room at the time, struggling with our breaking down washing machine, I said what first popped into my head.  "A new washer/dryer?" It was not an actual request, but, my parents are very generous.  They helped get us started in purchasing these new appliances.  

So, fast forward to July 2012.  My "laundry room" still looked like the above as the appliances were delivered to the room.  The room did not suit the sparkly new appliances.  And, as our life goes, another project was born.

First step was flooring.  The concrete was built in a way to allow water to go down to a drain in the corner of the room.  As such, flooring options were tricky.  Nothing is a good option on uneven floor.  So that, and budget reasons, I went to Big Lots and picked up peel and stick tiles.  That gave me a base to work on.  I built pedestals with inspiration from Sausha and Ana White.  I also had to build a pedestal for the utility sink due to a plumbing issue.  

Most of the materials used were scraps from Mr B&B's past carpentry jobs.  The cabinets were from a wall we tore out in our kitchen.  The blue paint was a left over.  This weekend I finished up by building the laundry tower and adding the counter top I picked up at a building supply wholesale place for $25.  We finished off with the closet rod...another left over from old job.

When a friend saw this picture she said "nice job Mr B&B!"  But most of this job was done by me!  My husband did most of the dry wall and provided assistance on tool use and concept.  And, if you have visited pinterest, you can probably recognize a few ideas.

I am so happy with how it turned out.  I also have a utility shelf on the opposite wall for added storage.  My husband has always wanted a laundry room that you actually do the laundry in (folding and all).  We finally have it and so far so good.  No couches or beds have been utilized in the laundry process thus far. 

Next project....finish that darn family room I posted about months and months ago!

     

Pickle Soup

Trending over on my facebook now so I thought I should share here too. 


source

Tonight for dinner we had Pickle Soup!  I have entered a new realm of Polish cooking and dining with this one.  And I LOVED IT! 

From the title I wasn't too enthusiastic about trying this.  Don't get me wrong, I like pickles and all.  My husband was the one who introduced me to Claussen.  Our now family pickle brand.  But..."pickle soup"? 

So, it is really glorified potato soup, made with shredded pickles and pickle juice. 

And Oh.My.GOODNESS. it is so good!  I vow to never make boring potato soup again! 

Hop over to Classy Chaos for the recipe we used.  Good pickles required! 

And, evidently there are some big pickle fans out there.  :) 

prayers for a pregnant friend, please!

In my previous post I mentioned a friend who has been on my heart. 

She is newly pregnant with twins and dianosed with hyperemesis gravidarum (severe pregnancy sickness). 

She was admitted to the hospital yesterday.  Please pray for my friend and her sweet babies - who are surely going to be in big big trouble after they arrive! 

quick takes

hosted this week at Camp Patton

1.  On Fridays our family tries to pray and sacrifice for our priests.  Please consider joining us! 

A PRAYER FOR PRIESTS

John Cardinal O'Connor

Lord Jesus, we your people pray to You for our priests. You have given them to us for OUR needs. We pray for them in THEIR needs. We know that You have made them priests in the likeness of your own priesthood. You have consecrated them, set them aside, anointed them, filled them with the Holy Spirit, appointed them to teach, to preach, to minister, to console, to forgive, and to feed us with Your Body and Blood. Yet we know, too, that they are one with us and share our human weaknesses. We know too that they are tempted to sin and discouragement as are we, needing to be ministered to, as do we, to be consoled and forgiven, as do we. Indeed, we thank You for choosing them from among us, so that they understand us as we understand them, suffer with us and rejoice with us, worry with us and trust with us, share our beings, our lives, our faith. We ask that You give them this day the gift You gave Your chosen ones on the way to Emmaus: Your presence in their hearts, Your holiness in their souls, Your joy in their spirits. And let them see You face to face in the breaking of the Eucharistic bread. We pray to You, O Lord, through Mary the mother of all priests, for Your priests and for ours. Amen. March, 1995   2. Today I am grateful for....my husband his stable job.    3. Today I am praying for....a friend who is having a very difficult pregnancy with twins and lost her job and insurance because she is too sick to get out of bed.   4. This week, we bought a new/used mini van...and paid cash!  This is the first time we have ever been able to purcahse a vehicle outright.  It is a tremendous blessing.    5. I am working on multiple NaPro presentations this week and we will be giving our NaPro witness on Thursday night.    6. Rice pudding is baking in the oven to bring over for dessert after dinner at a friends.  So excited!   7. If you have not yet seen The Chalice and Pepsi Can, please watch!  Stealing this from a priest friend's blog.

adoption opportunity, sibling group in eastern PA

What would you say if I happened to know of two beautiful adorable little kids in need of a home?  I was talking to an amazing foster mom tonight.  She is caring for these two darling children in need of a forever family.  Ideally, the candidates should live somewhere out here for family visitation.  If you are concerned about this....open adoption can be pretty cool. 

I wish I could say more...but let me at least say this.  If you are waiting to adopt, please consider foster care or waiting children.  There are so many kids that need good homes! 

7 Quick Takes

1.  This has been an exciting and wonderful week.  Rosie turned 5!  It is hard to believe.  I am so grateful that God allowed me to experience pregnancy, childbirth and nursing (only after we had decided  adoption was how we were meant to grow our family).  She is a beuaituful little girl and an amazing big sister.  She loves dress up and fairytales more than anything.  She still winds up in our bed sometimes (last night).  She says goodbye way too many times and is our girl, through and through.   

This was just four hours after her birth center birth, as we prepared to go home. 

This was her 5th birthday breakfast.  Pancakes topped with whip cream and sprinkles.

2. As I sit and write this she is in day two of pre-k.  She is a new 5 in a class of 4 year olds.  She is the big kid and probably the oldest in her class.  It seems that from the day your child turns two, people begin asking when are you sending you son/daughter to school.  It is almost like a parental endurance race to see how long you can hold off (at least if you are a stay at home mom).

3.  Suddenly I have two little kids and no big kid.  Right now Augie is watercoloring next to me, something he has possibly never done before and Catie and I are working on potty training, as she is walking around leaving little puddles.  On Wed (Rosie's first day) I took the babies to the library and the playground.  Maybe not a big deal for a mom of one or two, but something I have never done with just them, and rarely do anymore as a group.  I interupt this blog to say "Yay!  Augie just peed in the potty for the second time in a row."  I will consider this time of just us a gift. 

4. I have a penchant for things free and cheap.  If I see something on the side of the road, I always slow down.  Last week I brought this baby home.  She just needs to be cleaned up (covers were off to be washed) and I am thinking of painting the wood work, though hubby votes no. 

I think it was a pretty nice road side couch. It was nice of the family to send their teenage son to help when they saw me, this crazy momma, pulling out the car seats and (trying to) single handly stuff this thing in my SUV. 

5. Car Shopping.  My husband bought a very used conversion van a few years ago for work.  I hate driving it for so many reasons.  When he purchased it (off craigslist) I did not test drive.  It was his car...but, sometimes spouses have to drive the other's car.  Learning from that experience, I just took a potential next car for a test drive.  His vote is for a minivan.  A minivan is tempting me to do a car swap.  Not sure what will happen next, we have the month to figure out.  My greatest hope is we do this debt free...(which is why...dad if you are reading...we are not shopping dealerships). 

6. Additional changes this week.  I have joined the world of smart phone.  Still getting adjusted.  Still not a huge adovate.  It will be nice for when we are on the road and need to look something up (AND I remember to bring it with me).   Also, my husband started his new job and the hours are such an impovement.  We had our first sunday sunday in ages.  A trip to the zoo followed by a polish festival.  Wonderful. 

7.  Here is the result of Augie's work. 

And here is a preview of something I made for tomorrow's "God's Little Princess" birthday party:

 

Happy Weekend.  Thanks Jen!

first day of pre-k

Yesterday my baby turned 5.  Today she started pre-k.  She walked in holding hands with a group of friends and didn't look back.  No goodbyes, no hugs, just three moms waving and saying "I love you" to our kids' backs. 

She is ready for this chapter.   It was teary for me, but I am ready too.  For today, for this year, she is in the right place.  She is surrounded by the children of my good friends and we are letting them go together.  Rosie, we love you.  We are so proud of you and so excited as you start this new journey!  xoxox love, papa and momma