Quick Takes Friday

-1-

This time last week I was presenting NaPro to a group of about 30 residents and physicians at our local catholic hospital.  Not the main presenter...I was the support crew for two amazing non-prescribing docs.  I was honored to watch them present about the risks of hormonal contraception, especially the BCP and breast cancer link.  It seemed like at least one resident was ready to stop taking the pill. 

We may never see the effects of that event but those residents think twice before pulling out their prescription pad, it will be a good thing.  It was wonderful and I hope the first of many more.  I am being more and more convinced about these sessions happening outside of the church and inside of the hospital.

-2-

Last week my big event was finishing the laundry room!  This week I am working on the downstairs play/living area.  Hoping I can make some big progress before back to back company arrives next Thursday.

-3-

 

Sleep dilemma.  If my 33 month old son takes a nap he is easily up until 10 or 11pm.  He goes into his room at bedtime, 7.30pm.  Then begins the cycle of door open until he drives us crazy.  Door closed, until we can't take the screaming.  Light on.  Light off. Door open again and repeat.  I am thinking that we should try to give up naps.  He only actually takes them following nights like this, and this it is a vicious cycle.  Hoping to find ways to settle a toddler for night time, because bedtime routine is not enough for this one.  

-4-

This last week was ROUGH.  Something not super good is going on with my cycles.  I think it is the absence of supplemental progesterone and estrogen in my post peak phase.  I will be resuming them for the next cycle in the hopes I don't turn into a raging lunatic again.  I have cried to more than a few people this week.  I am grateful it is in the "daylight", that I am talking about it, but just wishing I can figure this thing out and be rid of it.  I am not me and it makes me most sad for my kids. 

PMS is serious business.  Living in the mental asylum, aka staying at home with little children, is tough.  At some point you start to cross the border from sane to insane.  Usually it happens without warning.  I am dedicating October to dealing with this issue and hopefully help myself avoid the crashes.

-5-

If you did not yet read about a miracle in blogland that I discovered, please click here.  I am in awe of my beautiful friend Alison who truly truly is making something tragic into something beautiful.

-6-

Still hoping to connect these beautiful children with a forever family.  They live close to me.  Their foster mom was my daughter's first foster mom.  They have a unique case and for that reason need a family in the Eastern PA area.  I was told by a sweet couple that interviewed for them "It will take a special and anointed family to care for these little ones."   Please keep sharing the word until that couple is found!  If the geographical requirement changes, I will let you know! 

Oh my goodness, side note!  Check out this sweet angel! 

-7-

Two weeks from today I am skipping town for an anniversary trip.  Counting down!!

help bring peter home

so, i was clicking around blogland tonight...

Thanks to Grace (and grace) I clicked the second link over to Heidi.  As I am reading down her adoption post I suddenly see a picture of my friend, Alison.  I think, "why is she on here?" and did a major double take when I realized why the picture of her family was on that blog.

Wow.  I am truly speechless.  Start clicking to find out why. Or just click on Heidi and help bring Peter home!

31 days of blogging about one topic

not sure if this is providential or suicide.

chatting at the sky is a blog that i have on my side bar and very occasionally follow.  i am not sure how i found her blog.  it is simple and there is beauty in her simplicity.  i just clicked on her link.  as i read my heart was drawn in to the concept. 

as i contemplated, it was not long before a topic came to my mind. 

it is my current state of life, likely influenced by pms.  it is the darkest part of my soul right now and that which is floating to the surface, desparate to be skimmed off. 

31 days of confession
31 days of struggling
31 days of being lifted up
31 days of reclaiming a beautiful motherhood

oct 1-oct 31

project: laundry room

We are among the slowest re-modelers you will meet.  Because we DIY as money allows, our remodeling projects can take forever.  Literally years.  When we moved into our "fixer-upper" in 2008 the projects we first envisioned (kitchen, bathrooms) were quickly trumped by projects that must be dealt with - insulation, heat, windows, mold...

Mold.  On that note, let me take you to our former laundry room closet. 

2008 - before we knew what "that smell" was

Finding the source of the stink: mold, eech!

The lower level of our split level was half garage, half living area.  Obviously, the mold needed to be addressed so that area was gutted and removed, drywall and all.  Add to the list above.  Drywall.  We are removing and replacing most of the drywall in this house because our house has been well lived in by the animal species. 

During this demo we found a bird nest in the garage ceiling

Eventually our laundry machines made their way into our garage.

2009-2012

The room was not super conducive to laundry as the concrete floor was always dusty/dirty.  I brought laundry upstairs to fold and piles of laundry around your house is never good. 

A few months ago my parents asked me for birthday ideas for my husband and I.  Sitting in the laundry room at the time, struggling with our breaking down washing machine, I said what first popped into my head.  "A new washer/dryer?" It was not an actual request, but, my parents are very generous.  They helped get us started in purchasing these new appliances.  

So, fast forward to July 2012.  My "laundry room" still looked like the above as the appliances were delivered to the room.  The room did not suit the sparkly new appliances.  And, as our life goes, another project was born.

First step was flooring.  The concrete was built in a way to allow water to go down to a drain in the corner of the room.  As such, flooring options were tricky.  Nothing is a good option on uneven floor.  So that, and budget reasons, I went to Big Lots and picked up peel and stick tiles.  That gave me a base to work on.  I built pedestals with inspiration from Sausha and Ana White.  I also had to build a pedestal for the utility sink due to a plumbing issue.  

Most of the materials used were scraps from Mr B&B's past carpentry jobs.  The cabinets were from a wall we tore out in our kitchen.  The blue paint was a left over.  This weekend I finished up by building the laundry tower and adding the counter top I picked up at a building supply wholesale place for $25.  We finished off with the closet rod...another left over from old job.

When a friend saw this picture she said "nice job Mr B&B!"  But most of this job was done by me!  My husband did most of the dry wall and provided assistance on tool use and concept.  And, if you have visited pinterest, you can probably recognize a few ideas.

I am so happy with how it turned out.  I also have a utility shelf on the opposite wall for added storage.  My husband has always wanted a laundry room that you actually do the laundry in (folding and all).  We finally have it and so far so good.  No couches or beds have been utilized in the laundry process thus far. 

Next project....finish that darn family room I posted about months and months ago!

     

Pickle Soup

Trending over on my facebook now so I thought I should share here too. 


source

Tonight for dinner we had Pickle Soup!  I have entered a new realm of Polish cooking and dining with this one.  And I LOVED IT! 

From the title I wasn't too enthusiastic about trying this.  Don't get me wrong, I like pickles and all.  My husband was the one who introduced me to Claussen.  Our now family pickle brand.  But..."pickle soup"? 

So, it is really glorified potato soup, made with shredded pickles and pickle juice. 

And Oh.My.GOODNESS. it is so good!  I vow to never make boring potato soup again! 

Hop over to Classy Chaos for the recipe we used.  Good pickles required! 

And, evidently there are some big pickle fans out there.  :) 

prayers for a pregnant friend, please!

In my previous post I mentioned a friend who has been on my heart. 

She is newly pregnant with twins and dianosed with hyperemesis gravidarum (severe pregnancy sickness). 

She was admitted to the hospital yesterday.  Please pray for my friend and her sweet babies - who are surely going to be in big big trouble after they arrive! 

quick takes

hosted this week at Camp Patton

1.  On Fridays our family tries to pray and sacrifice for our priests.  Please consider joining us! 

A PRAYER FOR PRIESTS

John Cardinal O'Connor

Lord Jesus, we your people pray to You for our priests. You have given them to us for OUR needs. We pray for them in THEIR needs. We know that You have made them priests in the likeness of your own priesthood. You have consecrated them, set them aside, anointed them, filled them with the Holy Spirit, appointed them to teach, to preach, to minister, to console, to forgive, and to feed us with Your Body and Blood. Yet we know, too, that they are one with us and share our human weaknesses. We know too that they are tempted to sin and discouragement as are we, needing to be ministered to, as do we, to be consoled and forgiven, as do we. Indeed, we thank You for choosing them from among us, so that they understand us as we understand them, suffer with us and rejoice with us, worry with us and trust with us, share our beings, our lives, our faith. We ask that You give them this day the gift You gave Your chosen ones on the way to Emmaus: Your presence in their hearts, Your holiness in their souls, Your joy in their spirits. And let them see You face to face in the breaking of the Eucharistic bread. We pray to You, O Lord, through Mary the mother of all priests, for Your priests and for ours. Amen. March, 1995   2. Today I am grateful for....my husband his stable job.    3. Today I am praying for....a friend who is having a very difficult pregnancy with twins and lost her job and insurance because she is too sick to get out of bed.   4. This week, we bought a new/used mini van...and paid cash!  This is the first time we have ever been able to purcahse a vehicle outright.  It is a tremendous blessing.    5. I am working on multiple NaPro presentations this week and we will be giving our NaPro witness on Thursday night.    6. Rice pudding is baking in the oven to bring over for dessert after dinner at a friends.  So excited!   7. If you have not yet seen The Chalice and Pepsi Can, please watch!  Stealing this from a priest friend's blog.

adoption opportunity, sibling group in eastern PA

What would you say if I happened to know of two beautiful adorable little kids in need of a home?  I was talking to an amazing foster mom tonight.  She is caring for these two darling children in need of a forever family.  Ideally, the candidates should live somewhere out here for family visitation.  If you are concerned about this....open adoption can be pretty cool. 

I wish I could say more...but let me at least say this.  If you are waiting to adopt, please consider foster care or waiting children.  There are so many kids that need good homes! 

7 Quick Takes

1.  This has been an exciting and wonderful week.  Rosie turned 5!  It is hard to believe.  I am so grateful that God allowed me to experience pregnancy, childbirth and nursing (only after we had decided  adoption was how we were meant to grow our family).  She is a beuaituful little girl and an amazing big sister.  She loves dress up and fairytales more than anything.  She still winds up in our bed sometimes (last night).  She says goodbye way too many times and is our girl, through and through.   

This was just four hours after her birth center birth, as we prepared to go home. 

This was her 5th birthday breakfast.  Pancakes topped with whip cream and sprinkles.

2. As I sit and write this she is in day two of pre-k.  She is a new 5 in a class of 4 year olds.  She is the big kid and probably the oldest in her class.  It seems that from the day your child turns two, people begin asking when are you sending you son/daughter to school.  It is almost like a parental endurance race to see how long you can hold off (at least if you are a stay at home mom).

3.  Suddenly I have two little kids and no big kid.  Right now Augie is watercoloring next to me, something he has possibly never done before and Catie and I are working on potty training, as she is walking around leaving little puddles.  On Wed (Rosie's first day) I took the babies to the library and the playground.  Maybe not a big deal for a mom of one or two, but something I have never done with just them, and rarely do anymore as a group.  I interupt this blog to say "Yay!  Augie just peed in the potty for the second time in a row."  I will consider this time of just us a gift. 

4. I have a penchant for things free and cheap.  If I see something on the side of the road, I always slow down.  Last week I brought this baby home.  She just needs to be cleaned up (covers were off to be washed) and I am thinking of painting the wood work, though hubby votes no. 

I think it was a pretty nice road side couch. It was nice of the family to send their teenage son to help when they saw me, this crazy momma, pulling out the car seats and (trying to) single handly stuff this thing in my SUV. 

5. Car Shopping.  My husband bought a very used conversion van a few years ago for work.  I hate driving it for so many reasons.  When he purchased it (off craigslist) I did not test drive.  It was his car...but, sometimes spouses have to drive the other's car.  Learning from that experience, I just took a potential next car for a test drive.  His vote is for a minivan.  A minivan is tempting me to do a car swap.  Not sure what will happen next, we have the month to figure out.  My greatest hope is we do this debt free...(which is why...dad if you are reading...we are not shopping dealerships). 

6. Additional changes this week.  I have joined the world of smart phone.  Still getting adjusted.  Still not a huge adovate.  It will be nice for when we are on the road and need to look something up (AND I remember to bring it with me).   Also, my husband started his new job and the hours are such an impovement.  We had our first sunday sunday in ages.  A trip to the zoo followed by a polish festival.  Wonderful. 

7.  Here is the result of Augie's work. 

And here is a preview of something I made for tomorrow's "God's Little Princess" birthday party:

 

Happy Weekend.  Thanks Jen!

first day of pre-k

Yesterday my baby turned 5.  Today she started pre-k.  She walked in holding hands with a group of friends and didn't look back.  No goodbyes, no hugs, just three moms waving and saying "I love you" to our kids' backs. 

She is ready for this chapter.   It was teary for me, but I am ready too.  For today, for this year, she is in the right place.  She is surrounded by the children of my good friends and we are letting them go together.  Rosie, we love you.  We are so proud of you and so excited as you start this new journey!  xoxox love, papa and momma

7 Quick Takes

1.  Angela Faddis.  For those without facebook, you can watch this interview that happened live yesterday on Life on the Rock (about 3.30 - 14.00). 



The song at the close of the interview had me in tears.  I really have no words.  Watch and pray.

2. It seems so trival to post much else after that, but in the way of keeping the world updated.


3. We survived two nights at the beach and camping with stiches.  I think finally I am ready to put an "L" sticker on our car.  We love "our beach".  The weather was perfect, the kids had a great time, no ER trips = success.  

 

 

4. Our well loved tent (of 10+ years) has officially gone in the trash. Not sure if we are purchasing a new tent or something say, a little more pop upish, but we will try to keep our beach on the annual agenda.

 

5. Another reason we love this beach....best crabs + seasoning ever!  I kept Augie busy with the hammer, which probably equalled a top restraunt pick for my two year old as well.  



lazy susans

 

6. In just 3 days my baby turns 5!  Princess party in the works for the weekend.  I think I am more excited than she is.  The actual birthday will be spent chewing lots of bubble gum, as her first age-sanctioned restriction is lifted. 

 

7. Well, I am 10 minutes passed the friday deadline and now publishing on Saturday.  Goodnight all. 

dying on facebook

The last several weeks I have watched as friends post updates and prayer requests for a woman, a young mother, dying of colon cancer.  Tonight, as I read updates and finally "like" the page, I can't help but contemplate the intimite moments shared across the world on social media. 

After years of waiting, you see your friend finally adopt, and then raise a beautiful child. 

Following a person from engagement through wedding, and maybe to a baby announcement.

Death.

Birth.

Life is all shared relatively publically with"friends"

Following the posts at "Support Angela Faddis" has been particularly moving.  I can hardly put into words what this precious family is facing in real life.  On facebook they look incredibly brave, incredibly trusting...and have incredible faith.  In real life, I am sure they are this...but how incredibly hard these moments are and how profoundly they are shared.

This precious family has over 4600 likes, which equals that plus more "friends" and strangers, praying for them.  Pleaes pray for the Faddis family as Angela nears heaven. 

late night quick takes

1.  I am glad this week has come to a clothes close (leaving for posteriety because it speaks to my current state).  It is a week to go down in the history of our family.

2.  Tuesday (head injury at 2pm) to Wednesday (when my baby returned home at 9pm) were the longest 31 hours of my life.  Labor was easier, totally.
For those that are interested in the whole story - obviously not a quick take:
So this morning, after a good night sleep, I can probably share a bit more. After the injury (tues 2pm) we called our Ped. They scheduled us and saw us at 3pm then said they wanted us to be seen by a plastic surgeon. They sent us to the ER where we waited 2 hours until the plastic surgeon then asked us to come back the next day to his office the next morning (at this point feeling a bit stuck, I should have called back to our ped, but it was after 5pm). So...yall saw the posts about surviving the night with Augie and his head laceration. It was a long night. 8.30am arrive at doctors. 9am seen by doctor. he was very nonchalant. I am tired mom with son with lacerated head. Because I fed him breakfast (wish someone would have suggested i not do this) they could not schedule him until 8 hours after eating. He did offer to schedule him for Thurs morning but I did not want to wait another night. So...I choose to occupy my son and not feed him all day. 2:20pm - arrive at surgery center. Get checked in and start waiting. They bring us back to a long room of waiting people and stick us in a private room.  Augie begins to scream and tantrum (no sleep, no food...sort of understandable). He screams for at least 45 minutes straight. People are talking to me and I hear very little of what they are saying. Anesthesia doc comes in and I say "oh thank God". And then he tells me it is going to be a long wait. There are 15 patients in front of us. I beg him for anything and he orders Valium. This calms Augie down and I sit cry in this room alone for well over an hour while he colors on himself with highlighters in a cage-crib. My friend, a nurse, called. I answered accidentally. I am not sure how she heard anything through my blubbering, but she encouraged me to ask for a patient advocate. 5pm. I ask for a patient advocate, she returns and says they will now take him back for surgery. My much needed husband arrives for back up so I can go home.  9pm, the boys arrive home.  Augie looked wonderful, and happy and was eating everything in sight. So, we are doing better this morning. I just wished someone could have seen the whole picture and had compassion.

3. Picture proof. 

My sweet sleeping baby

Thankful for food and eating pizza crust after his arrival back home

4. I am so grateful for friends and prayers.  Without which I could not imagine what might have been.

5.  Next subject!  I am super excited to be "adopting" a friend's college bound "foster daughter".   This is a long story, but my college roomate took in a teenager who has flourished and managed to get herself a couple of full ride offers.  She choose a school very near me and we are happy to be a family away from home to her, since she is oh...about 20 hours from home.  I am so inspired by her story and looking forward to getting to know her better in the coming years.  Please pray for sweet E as she starts college in a land far away from anything familiar.  She will do great. 

6. My husband is starting a new job next week.  Same company, working his way up the ladder.  He will do so great!  We are in the middle of a life transtion.  He has given up his construction business to purse pursue a theology degree.  Along the way he is supporting our family and thankfully working just a few minutes from our house.  This new job means regular M-F hours and the return of a weekend, which will be so good for our family.
 
7. Immaculee Ilibagiza.  She is amazing.  If you have not heard of her, please check out her story via this brief interview.  I am presenting to our parish council about the possiblity of haing her speak in our Church.

Happy Weekend and cheers to the safety of our children and survival of their mothers.

 Jen's Quick Takes

 

adventures in mommyhood

What a crazy 48 hours! 

Sunday night I brought Catie to the ER for an infection on her leg.  She had some bug bites from 2 weeks ago that she had been scratching and suddenly she had hard swollen areas on her leg, arm and back.  This was my first ever trip taking a child to the ER.  I guess she managed to get an infection.  She is doing much better thanks to benedryl, antibiotic cream - and she was placed on antibiotics again. 

Oh and I forgot to mention, but Rosie is also being tested for Lymes.  She has abx prescription waiting for her at the pharmacy. 

So...today.  Augie slipped and fell into the bathtub and lacerated his forehead.  Thanks be to God my husband walked in the door 5 minutes later as I was sitting on the floor frantically trying to dial his number.  After a visit to the ped, we waited in the ER for the plastic surgeon...who was stuck in surgery and rescheduled us for 8.30am tomorrow moning.  So, now I sit...with a lacerated child, praying we make it through the night.

I had to bump back Catie's follow up appointment and Augie's speech therapy to accomodate our morning tomorrow with the plastic surgeon.

Thank goodness for a happy boy...who is watching all the "monkey george" he wants tonight.

domestic adoption opportunity - updated

Update:  Thanks for the inquiries and for all the beautiful families who responded.  The birth parents are reconsidering parenting.  Please pray for all involved.  I firmly believe God uses these situations to move our hearts in one direction or another.  Praying for all who responded as well. 

I love being so blessed to help in the adoption match making process!

I just received a call and email about a 4 day old African American baby in Maryland.  I have little info other than the biological parents want to sign consents and my contact works with the biological grandmother who is hoping/helping to find an adoptive family.

Please email me if you are home study approved, waiting & interested. 

worth sharing here

Have you read "Escape from Babyland" by Simcha Fisher? 

It.is.take.your.breath.away.funny.

I immediately went into an uncontrolloble state of breathless laughter, snorting and tears.  Yes, I am a delirious mom of babies.

7 Quick Takes

1.  I have sat down in front of the computer so many times this past month and started a couple of unpublished drafts. 

2. Will this get published?

3. Construction is moving SOOoooooo slow in our house.  But for the first time ever, we are getting estimates to have a fence installed in our back yard.  It is weird and wonderful to think of hiring someone to get something done around here.  A fence will be heavenly. 

4. Augie - does he or doesn't he have Williams Syndrome?  Refresher, clinically diagnosed but the confirmation blood work has come back negative.  Our pediatrician is sending him for an ECG and developmental pediatrician (on the wait list...it takes a year to get in) to be safe. 

5. Catie...is FINALLY WALKING.  You may remember I posted this a month+ ago.  Well...she walked that day.  Now, at 20 months, she has decided it is better to be upright.  Praise the Lord.  I am no longer scrubbing knees (hers and her clothes).  Orthotic ankle braces coming soon. 

6. What are you listening to these days?
Rosie and I are hooked on "Call me Maybe" and "Jungle Drum"

7. One more week of babysitting the 6 year old.  The first half of our summer was good.  The second half, much more challenging.  Rosie and said 6 year old do not get along more often than not any more.  It is a bit challenging on everyone.  Counting down the days until the end of summer, one last/first beach trip and the start of Pre-K.  Yes...we decided to enroll her at our parish school.

 Quick Takes are brought to you by Jen.

two months from now...

bed & breakfast
finger lakes
mucho vineyards
husband
10 years
just the two of us
can't wait

7 Quicktakes on the Chick Fil A aftermath

1.  I have finally found someone to refrain from calling me a bigot long enough to share something of worth...Alleluia!   Nameless friend of a friend's post "Sorry for going off on this thread, this is apparently something I take very seriously and personally. If you wouldn't mind reading this with an open mind, it will explain exactly why. I apologize again, peace to all and have a great day. 

2.  First...thank you to that person for being big enough to be kind and thank you to the blogger for being big enough to open the door to conversation. 


3.  My response "thank you for coming back, editing and sharing this post. I am reading through this post with an open mind. I have never heard many of the laws of discrimination against being gay. Every person is entitled to be respected for their personhood. I think it is important to know I am not trying to change you and this is not about hate - which is disappointing when most of these types of posts end in name calling. With regards to what this blogger writes specific to CFA...I am not finding anything to back that up as fact. Please know I am researching. I inquired to a friend who sent me a link to refutations to many of these claims.  

To respond specifically to two statements in his blog:
"Jesus had almost nothing to say about sexual behavior of any kind." This is not truth. If you would do me the honor of reading a post near and dear to my heart, my favorite former atheist explains it much better than I ever could.

If you read or take anything from that...just know it is not about hate and it is not about taking away your person hood..."
 

4. The second statement "What has Chick-Fil-A ever done for you?"

I can't even put this into words, but I will try. CFA is more than your average establishment and it is definitely not about overpriced chicken. They support our local library tremendously, they give books to my children rather than cheap plastic toys, they have helped me celebrate my foster children becoming my children, they have become a place that my kids can send shoe boxes of gifts to needy children. They have daddy daughter date nights and regularly support schools, churches, families with cancer with charity nights. They are the ONLY place that when I walk in with my 3 little children in arms, will bring a tray to my table and then provide a safe place for them to run wild and free while I enjoy a few minutes of peace. I am always greeted with a smile. Their customer service is out of this world....their staff walk around and frequently provide refills as if I was going to be tipping at a restaurant. And I know I will receive this same service at ANY CFA I go to. It is why I choose CFA for playdates, birth family gatherings and out of town get togethers. THESE are the reasons that people turned out in droves to support them. Honestly, it would have been the same regardless of the reason they were attacked. We love CFA because it is more than just any old place to us. THIS SAID....if I find out that any of the claims made are true....then I will reconsider my relationship with this place. I understand the emotion in the issue and it is a well written blog. It just does not provide any evidence that the claims are based in truth.

5.  To which I received the response to check out this breakdown of their charitable giving and was encouraged to google FRC.  

6. For the record I happen to have a friend who is the wife of a CFA business owner.  She had never heard these claims and googled for me (for which I am probably now on her look-it-up-yourself list).  :-)  From her I received this link which I found difficult to navigate and this link which is an easier read. 

7.  Now who wants to do all my research for me?  There is SO much heated and emotional debate. REALLY, this is not about us hating gays.  I don't consider being against gay marriage being anti-gay...and that is the source of all this heated FB anger. I know a gay person would disagree with me...but this goes back to the article I posted (see #3).  CFA appreciation day was about us appreciating CFA (see #4). Obviously, to this person it is so much more and thanks to an insightful blog post (see #1), I am hearing more than just name calling and starting to understand the explosion.  In the end, this person and I are still going to find ourselves in opposite corners.  I have yet to find truth in the argument against CFA but I am grateful to have come across one person willing to engage in a civil discussion.  Happy reading. 

Quick Takes, brought to us by my favorite former atheist.  

the isolation of motherhood

I am a baby mama.  That was the label given to me recently after I poured out my heart to a beautiful group of mothers.  God willing I will meet with some of these women on a regular basis and god willing it will not be all about me.  They empathized with my position, reminiscing about just how difficult it is to parent little people.  They of course kept things real by telling me "little kids = little problems, big kids = big problems".  Ultimately, just sharing was hugely helpful.

I joined this group after reading half way through Suburban CEO an old website from my favorite blogger.  It is far time I return to the site and continue reading.

The idea of feeling fulfilled by motherhood is so so far away from me right now.  I read other mom blogs and the beautiful crafts, the beautiful pictures...the beautiful life of motherhood - just seem so far off.  Treading water and trying not to drown more adequately describes life. 

I could make a list of all the crazy things that my kids do for empathy or humor.  With Rosie approaching the age of five I am seeing the impact of every little thing I do upon her formation.  Let's just say that when I sin, that sin is multiplied.

Most days are rough.  Today was especially rough.  At the end of the day I called my husband at work and cried.  Then I hugged my daughter and asked if I am a good mom.  Not the answer I wanted.  :-/

I know in my heart there is good in my motherhood.  I have been called to the vocation of marriage and the desire for children was imprinted on my being.  I prayed and begged God for motherhood for 5 years before I was so blessed with the gift.  Now that gift sits on my chest like a massive weight, taking every ounce of my being.  I am being poured out and emptied beyond where I ever thought possible.

If it was just me an my motherhood, I would not survive.  I am fighting with everything inside of me.  Fighting to stay connected.  Fighting to stay accountable.  Fighting to let the good of my motherhood declare victory over the bad.  And most importantly, surrendering to God.