two more feet

Six and a half years ago if you would have told me this could be my life...I would not have believed you.  A few years into our infertility, I had to re-imagine what having a "big family" would look like.  I knocked my goal down to four children.  Still enough to pass the average 2.1 child household.

If it were left to my (in)fertility alone Rosie would not have 3 years of being a big sister under her belt.  Once upon a time becoming the mother of one seemed impossible.  When our first miracle arrived, after 4+ years  of trying, we were immediately ready for a second miracle.  My body, however, was not.  Without infertility round one we would not have been prepped and ready to adopt when infertility round two occurred. Thanks to the gift of foster care our family grew by two more miracles, or four more feet, despite infertility.

As Catie approached two my heart opened slowly to the idea of another child.  But foster care is a process that I was not quite ready to undergo again.  My desire for another chance to experience pregnancy was great.  The very recent loss of my maternity clothes opened a deep wound and the question, would I ever be so blessed to experience pregnancy again?  We have always been open to conceiving.  Even during the tough times of learning to juggle two, and then three.  But, as it turns out, God has planned our family all along.   He has spaced my children.  And He has recently granted the desires of my heart.

This miracle...this little miracle growing inside of me, is thanks, in part, to the St Andrews Novena.  Thanks in part also to the prayers of my prayer partner.  Thanks in part to years of lamenting, intercessory prayers to the saints and of course, to my God who knows the whens and the whats and the whys.

Being surrounded by beautiful women in the blog land and in real life who have suffered miscarriage makes the fragility of this life so real.  I am working with my NaPro doctor and am on supplemental progesterone.  These moments make my heart ache so much more for these women who have had and lost life in their womb.  My heart also aches for the many women who continue to suffer childlessness.  Especially those from my childless years that still remain infertile.  My prayers will always be with these women.

So, after 5 years of secondary infertility and with the greatest of hopes he/she will make it to birth day and beyond, please meet our newest addition.

also known as Timber, nicknamed by Rosie

i could never do that

As a foster parent, I hear these words all the time "I could never do that!"  When we were first considering adoption and learned about foster care, we did not choose it as an option.  The uncertainty was scary.  What kind of child would we get?  Would we have to give them up?  We couldn't do it.  We didn't risk it.  But God led us back.

In a discussion with a pro-choice woman on facebook, I was challenged "what have I done about all the unwanted children?"  Telling her I was a foster parent shut her up pretty quickly.  From the perspective of a pro-choice woman, there are thousands of unwanted children in our world and abortion is helping solve that problem.

I am always struck and saddened by the negativity towards adoption.  Most profoundly by women facing an unplanned pregnancy.  I heard it on the MTV show "Sixteen & Pregnant."  I heard it in a discussion with a post-abortive teenager.  I have heard it when counseling women outside of abortion clinics.  "I could never give my baby up for adoption."  WHY do they feel this is the worst thing they could do to that child?

 I am so grateful for adoption!  It has forever changed my life and the life of my children.

Thank you Grace in My Heart for directing me to watch this:



The same women who have stated they could never give up their baby for adoption have most surely at one point in their lives said "I could never have an abortion,"  And then, they are faced with the unimaginable.  A dark dark place with no hope.  And then, in that cloudy, dark, scary place...they decide they have to have an abortion.

So what has happened to our world that in that dark time abortion is the only way out?

I can not even begin to imagine what a woman goes through when she decides to place her baby for adoption.  I can not imagine what she faces when she goes home, without a child in her arms.  I can not imagine her fears and insecurities.  I can not imagine the pain and despair.

And for each woman that makes this choice, there is another woman, another family that is eternally grateful for her.  EVERY child is a wanted child.  How can we get this message out?

Start here.  Read this.
"Adoption is an act of love, mercy, justice and infinite possibilities. It transforms not only the life of the child, but families, communities, and in some cases…the world."

Watch this.


There are no unwanted children.

There are no unwanted children.

There are no unwanted children.

Meanwhile....while we continue to pray for an end to abortion...while we continue to pray for women to have the courage to choose life...please remember there are children in foster care.  There are kids who have not yet found their families.  And there is a great need for foster parents.  And if you are open to a child....another child...You can.  You totally can.  Just ask me how.

Quick Take Friday: facebook edition

1. Happy Friday.  My husband found this posted by MonkRock.  It was too fitting not to share.  Evidently Pride & Self Love is an appropriate diagnosis for all of us.  The real question...how many of us are as repulsed by it as God? 

2. What a wonderful week of playdates. I am enjoying the sounds of my daughter and her friend, who, as I type, are on the other side of my computer watching Cinderella and playing princesses.  Rosie dresses up just about every day, as evidenced by the picture of my lovely princess+bride.  Her playing takes me right back to my childhood.  This precious time of her life where she truly believes that she is a princess and is disappointed when others try to tell her she is not.  I love this age.

In other news, she is so super excited about her first wiggly teeth.

3. As the March for Life approaches my posting on facebook reflects my passion and advocacy.  I think this is the time of the year I am most likely to loose "friends" and be hidden by family that are polar opposites.  I am sure everyone has seen this...but posting it here any how.

Mr President. It is time to listen to your words and your nation. Please look out your window on Jan 25th and see ALL of us who march (now for the 40th year) to be a voice for the 4400 children killed in their mother's wombs every day. Newtown certainly was tragic. Abortion is a holocaust happening every day that is ignored for "convenience". Please rethink your hypocrisy and consider the tremendous value of each of these lives.

4.Speaking of facebook....I feel the pull to step away.  I know I will be giving up the Internet (as much as humanly possible) during Lent.  I was honored when a real life friend read my blog and was inspired by my floating screen post & cancelled her facebook.  

Last night I received an email from a friend who felt lead by the Holy Spirit to send me the text of her Pastor's homily.  The message was about finding God in the busy.  It was also about all the distractions that keep us from seeing/seeking God. Facebook was not only in this homily, but in my head.

The kicker was this morning when I finally read this article in the Catholic Register (that has been sitting by our bathroom for several weeks.  It is called "Make the Most of the Time God Gives You".  Before facebook I was plenty busy and found a hundred excuses to not pray or go to Mass.  Now, how much time do I constantly carve out (read: waste) on facebook.  I have resisted stepping back (except for lent) for years.   It is time I do something about this.

5. When I adopted my son, I found and blocked most of his bio family so they hopefully would not find my pictures shared via facebook.  I have not found my daughter's bio family...which concerns me a bit.  Some of them must be on, and unless I am blocking them, they can find me or possibly see my pictures.  It is easy to be complaisant about what I am sharing and what is being shared.  So...to start the process of weaning I will be deleting the extraneous - photo albums and tags.  I will also be deleting my facebook app.  Is there a patron saint against idolatry?

6. Okay, enough about FB (bleh).   We got two big gifts for Christmas.  A Sodastream and a Keurig.  Here are my reviews. I love the Sodastream.  I am a new fan of fizzy water (or bizzy water as Augie calls it).  Flavored fizzy water is much more interesting to my palate.  I have also been having issues with our newly softened water and feeling thirsty (maybe because it is not as enjoyable to drink).  But adding fizz to the water has miraculously resolved that issue. Also, the kids love the bizzy water so any time I can get them drinking more water, score!  Two thumbs up recommendation for the sodastream.

The Keurig, on the other hand.  It is a total luxury to go to someone's house and find a Keurig.  I LOVE being a guest of a Keurig owner.  I do not, however, love being a Keurig owner.  For four reasons.  1. Soft water is water with salt added.  This does not brew well in a Keurig.  However, even with bottled water, it still tastes off to me.  2. The strength of a k-cup stinks.  It is perfect if I was drinking a tea cup worth of coffee.  For the large mug, I would need a double strength k cup.  Have not found these yet.  The best so far is using the EZ cup with our own coffee.  Better strength and budget friendly.  3. The ease and temptation mean we are drinking way more coffee/tea/chai/hot chocolate than we would normally be drinking.  Which means more sugar/caffeine/calories.  And which also means way more.... 4. Expensive!  Initially I tried to justify the expense that by only brewing a cup, there would be no wasted coffee in the pot.  That argument has no legs to stand on.  Holy expensiveness!  In addition to the fact we are drinking more hot beverages my a little math tells me it is cheaper to by a mug of fresh brewed Starbucks.  I was told that if you can score a k-cup for less than $.50 a cup, it is a good deal.  Well...did you know that with your own mug, you can go to Starbucks and get coffee for $.50?  And that is a travel mug...which would actually take two k-cups.  SO, Starbucks store brewed is actually cheaper than a good deal on Folgers or other more generic coffee.

For the gifter who reads my blog (aren't I a terrible woman!)- we are so grateful for the gift and my husband would give you an entirely different review.  I am excited to entertain with it and have had two opportunities this week to show it off and pamper my guests.

7.   Can not wait to finish this room - our office!  It is next on our to do list.  Drywall this weekend.  The before is wretched....but I am all about humility, right?  Well, this isn't a true before.  This is a living-in-the-room-after-demo-before.  As of now my/our vision is as many bookshelves as we can possibly squeeze into the space and wood counter top custom made desk (large desk with two computer stations and a jet out in the middle that will be my client table.  It has been FOREVER since I have had the luxury of seeing clients in my home.  I am looking forward to an office again.  Hopefully before too long...

dc job search

Just to clear things up quickly...not me!   A friend, a former member of my youth group, a former favorite babysitter and a new FUS grad is looking for a job in the DC area.  Her background is administrative.  Her degree is education.  I was hoping to pull some strings through my old pro-life connections, but haven't found any leads yet.  If you know of anyone looking for an amazing employee, can you please help me connect her with some places to send a resume?

THANKS!

our open adoption

When my husband and I started attending adoption training, the idea of an open adoption was a stumbling block.  For him more than me.  It was difficult to imagine "another set of parents" out there.  Fortunately, we moved beyond that hurdle and still signed up.  This year we were awarded an honor by our state representative for our "work with birth families."

We became foster parents with the hope of adopting. When I met Leann* and Rex* they just wanted their son back. Augie was placed with us when he was two months old. Initially, during the drop off for supervised visits, we would exchange the specifics of infant care and nothing else. Eventually maybe I would share a story of something he did or a picture. Occasionally we would listen to them vent their frustrations. It was an awkward way to get to know them.

I was never rooting for them to fail. As things got worse for them, our case became stronger. It wasn't too long before the case passed to adoption. At the last possible second (before their rights were terminated by the court) they signed consents. We met with Leann to discuss what an open relationship would look like to us.  At that time Leann specifically asked that for Augie, we refer to her as Leann.  She did not want to be "Aunt Leann" or some other weird title.  She also recognized we are mom & dad, and gave us the respect of that title.

Since the adoption we have had three visits. The first, with Leann, Augie and me. The second, Leann and two of Augie's half siblings (the first time they were all together). And in December, my husband and I brought Augie to Chuck E Cheese to visit with Leann & Rex.

Each time I am amazed to see the resemblances. Each time Leann expresses her deep gratitude.

Why do we do it?

Well....we went through the adoption process we were open to the instruction.  We had never done this before.  When our social worker suggested visitation, I understood it as something that could be beneficial to Augie later in life.  Basically, it is helpful for them to know he is well taken care of and he will always have an accurate picture of who they are, so as not to imagine his life would have been so much better if he had never been adopted.

While thinking about and preparing for a visit, it is not something I am terribly excited about.  But, after the fact, I am always glad we did it.  Especially the visit with his siblings.  It felt so wonderful to coordinate a simple visit that happened to be the first time in their life they were ever together.  Augie's half bio sister gets so excited.  I am happy to do it for her.

This said, it is something that should be considered on a family by family visit.  At this time, and unless her situation drastically changes, we have no plans for visitation with Catie's bio mother/family.  We do communicate by letter once a year (only once so far).

I look at it as accepting a part of the culture of adoption.  It is also a part of my personality.  I helped organize my high school reunion.  I organized my family reunion.  I guess it seems natural for me to keep people connected.

I will continue to update on this topic through the years.  For now, Augie, age 3, who is chill with just about anyone, finds joy in any chance for a play date.

a sad goodbye to my old maternity clothes

It has been over five years since I tucked that box of maternity clothes into my attic.  They were a box of clothes I never thought I would be so blessed to wear.  It was after nearly four and a half years of trying to conceive.  We were in the adoption process.  Everyone was waiting for our news...of a placement....when news of a pregnancy surprised us all.  What a glorious thing.  

 When I put those clothes away, I had hopes that they wouldn't be tucked away too long.  It took 18 months after Rosie was born before I went back under the knife while trying to conceive our second.  After Rosie turned two, our thoughts shifted more seriously to foster care.  Since then we have so blessed to expand our family.  Meanwhile that box of maternity clothes, and nursing clothes, sat in the attic.

Last spring, a pregnant friend was in search of summer maternity clothes to survive an unseasonably warm final stretch of her pregnancy.  I pulled that box out of the attic and loaned it with love.  I was happy it was in use again.  At her post-baby baby shower, there was another pregnant friend.  I asked if she needed the clothes.  I put the box in the back of her truck and off it went.

I loaned the clothes with the hope that one day I would need them again.  I never thought I would never have the opportunity to see them again.

I have been trying to reacquire them for a few months.  I found out today what happened.  Due to a very sad and unfortunate misunderstanding, those clothes were donated to charity.  The clothes that helped me gestate Rosie will never be in my closet again.

I am sure there were a few hundred dollars worth of clothes in the bin.  They money is not the hard part.  The memories, of that shirt I wore when I felt her kick, the outfit I wore to my baby shower, the dress I wore to two weddings.  Should I be so sad?  I mean...I have Rosie.  Obviously she was the best part of my pregnancy.

I am sad for the memories that are lost.  But those memories may never have made it back out of the box.  It is hard looking back on such an incredible time, the miracle of that pregnancy  the gift of nursing...and consider that experience may never happen again.

As I was crying, Rosie came over and brought me a tissue and gave me a hug.  She is truly the greatest gift and miracle.  I am so grateful that I got to experience being pregnant, and I am so grateful for her...the most incredible little girl.  

And if that blessed event should ever happen again...well, I will cross that bridge when it comes.  I know my friend feels terrible and would love for that event to happen, to help start a new maternity wardrobe.  But, for now...so long old clothes.  I hope you find your way to some special women who truly truly appreciate the miracle of the little soul growing within. 

Quick Takes Friday; learning from therapy

---1---

Since I have "gone there" {to bare-your-soul-blogging} it seems I can't go back.  Try as I may, I have been called to this transparency.  If the Lord can use this for his glory, then I am at His service.

---2---
I am settling into a routine of twice a month skype sessions with Dr. D.  Unfortunately my insurance is not providing coverage because he is considered out of network.  My next steps are to a) fight for coverage and/or b) see if he can come into network.  In the meantime and fortunately, Dr D has placed twice a month appointments as greater priority than payment in full.  A little thanks inserted here to my prayer buddy.

---3---I have been accused of scrupulosity.  I have been reminded by many that I am a good mother to my children.    While I know that I am a good mother...what kind of mother am I if I am not trying to overcome this anger that comes out in this form of a beast in front of my children?  I do not want to spew venom.  This is not why God has entrusted His children to my motherhood.  I am learning that instead of showing anger in response to the inevitable poor choices of my children, I need to learn to show sorrow.  This is one way we can meditate upon & invoke Mary.  Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us.  When our children write on the walls, pee on the carpet, tear up a book, push their siblings, help us to have a sorrowful heart, rather than an angry heart.

---4---
On Tuesday, when faced with a screaming toddler refusing to nap, I had a come to Jesus moment.  This scenario of screaming & refusing to nap is the greatest instance, with this particular child, that causes my anger to manifest.  Twice I repeated the following: walk into room, offer threat of spanking, leave room, return and deliver spanking.  Twice this did nothing but bring about more screaming (of course).  So I went into my room, put in my ear plugs, covered my head with a pillow (one of my usual attempts of coping with this scenario).  Then...I began to pray.  I prayed "Jesus, rock her to sleep.  Jesus rock her to sleep," And you know what???  He replied "That is why I have given her to you.  To be me.  To rock her to sleep."  Okay, hello Jesus.  Truth verified.  I begrudgingly went into her room, picked her out of her crib, returned to my room, put her in my bed, turned my back to her and laid down with her.  And she fell asleep.  Not an extreme act of charity on my part, but a step in retraining myself of be the mother I was created to be.

---5---
The generational curse.  I have a challenging relationship with my mother.  She had a challenging relationship with her mother.  As did my grandmother with her mother.  It is something that I have believed as an inevitable truth for myself.  I had feared having a daughter for this reason.  God sent me my first born, a daughter, for this reason.  To teach me that He is greater than a generational curse.  This was my latest God-given insight, one that has not been unwrapped yet.

---6---
"The mind assents before the heart surrenders."  DP Slattery

This is what is going on with me these days.  My mind is learning, being retrained and assenting to these truths I am learning.  My heart is still in need of surrender.  Conversion.  This is, in a certain sense, overcoming my Dark Night.  This is where I choose to parent as God intends.  To choose the high road, over the weak response.

---7---
I am happy to share my insights.  Please don't let these replace a step that you need (or feel called) to take in your own life.  God intends to meet each of us very personally and care for us where we are and call us forth individually.  As I said, I am humbled if God can use my writing to work on another mother's heart.    That said, I can not imagine benefiting from reading an account to the extent that I am benefiting from my personal  surrender in this form of therapy.

Pray for me.  I will pray for you.

i love adoption

A few months ago I was blogging about the word ransom, as it applied to adoption.

This is an amazingly beautiful video.  I loved this quote.
"The pure joy of a rescue and a ransom of a child's life is probably the most satisfying thing you can imagine,"

My favorite scene was the reflection of an adopted son about what a deformity means in his home country of Romania.  Every life has value!!  Grab a tissue and watch!


New Film Premiere - I Like Adoption. from ILikeGiving.com on Vimeo.

too funny not to share

I just found this blog via Jennifer Fulwiler's blog request.  (in case you have not heard, please pray for Jennifer as she is battling a serious lung condition during her pregnancy).

Now. let me introduce you to CrappyPictures.com,

Prepare to Laugh
what it is like to (not) sleep at night

Prepare to not be able to breathe
public toilets and potty training

Adding CrappyPictures.com to my blog roll because a good laugh about parenting is priceless!

dry

dry.

The house, my hands, my desire to blog....

I have sat at the computer with intent and left with regret several times in the last weeks.

What I would have shared in a couple quick takes:
1. Paul's 94 year old Busia passed peacefully in her sleep after attending mass and celebrating the Polish Christmas eve dinner with her family.  Seriously I can not imagine a more beautiful way to pass.  I was grateful to be able to make the quick trip with my husband to celebrate her life.  Quick thanks to the family who made it possible for us to attend.

Rosie enjoying time with her pra-busia in October.  A memory & photo I cherish.

2.  Christmas was wonderful, full of family.  We finished our guest room in the nick of time.  A reveal that will have to wait for another day.

3. New Years Eve.  I quote my mom who said "most fun new years."  Pinterest style, I went to Party City and had balloons blown up to help us count down the hours.  In each balloon was a note.  Each hour, my alarm went off to summon the kids to pop a new balloon.

7pm - Make Caramel Apples
8pm - Make Soap Clouds
9pm - Play a Game
10pm - Watch a Movie
11pm - Sing Karaoke
12 pm - Make a Toast and Go to Bed!

The babies made it almost to 10pm and Rosie made it to celebrate midnight.  The evening was a blast.

4. The day after my mom left, I threw out my back.  I have never done this before and holy smokes...I do NOT recommend it.  I spent the first day in tears and with the help of my husband's ingenuity, was only able to lay down or get up using a table leaf as a back board.  I am slowing regaining movement and coming out from under almost a week of muscle relaxers and naproxin.

5. I hate hate hate HMOs.  Just for the record.

6. I am grateful for the women who have come forward and told me how much they appreciate or relate to my 30 days series.  Being completely honest in the blog world is a risk.  Especially for a foster mom.  My struggles have not ended, but I am strengthened with new resolve.  And each time someone thanks me for writing those posts, I am reminded to go back and read them.  Something I need to do regularly.

7. Did I miss the birthdays???  I forgot the birthdays!  Augie turned 3 and Catie turned 2!  We celebrated at a bounce house.  Best birthday ever for Augie, worst birthday ever for Catie.  Fortunately she enjoyed her cupcake.  I am amazed to look at my babies growing and think of how far we have come.

I am truly blessed to be mamma to these special little ones.  For as much as they challenge me, they are beautiful miraculous gifts straight from God.  He knew I needed them to purify me and bring me to my knees.  He knew they needed me, a mamma who would love them and do anything for them.  Happy Birthday to my babies.  I am grateful for you.

I have been praying for...

Waiting in Joyful Hope,

It has been my honor to pray for you this month.  When I got my assignment and checked out your blog, I read your story and wanted to send big hugs.  It was a special honor to pray for a still-waiting blogger, remembering the great and heavy time of waiting and waiting and waiting.

As I read through your old posts, I saw you actually linked to my blog to share your NaPro story (which made me even more excited to pray for you).

I have offered Mass for you and included you in our St Andrews Christmas Novena.  I will keep you close to my thoughts and in my prayers...especially as your start your foster care process soon!  We received our first placement three months after we started our training...I will be especially praying for a quick referral and the child meant just for you two.

With loves of hugs and love!
e

from a person dealing with anger, on this tragedy

I was oblivious up until 3pm.  I got home from my daughter's Christmas pageant only to see my facebook feed filled up by comments from sad and grieving mothers.  I quickly became one of them.  Wondering along with them "how the hell can this happen? What is wrong with people???  What the hell is wrong with our world?"

After I cried...sobbed...I started to think.

St Therese of Liseux said she was capable of the worst kind of crimes.

Reviewing the facebook feed again, I see most of the posts coming from people of faith.  Many, like me, begging our Nation to turn back to God.

What is the difference between this kind of monster and us?  God.  Not in believing He exists, but believing He is bigger than the challenges, the despair, the anger.

I have my own feelings and judgments about modern day psychotherapy.  My therapist has helped me confirm that my suspicions are not far from truth.  He mentioned a place near him called "All About You Therapy."  Is therapy enabling?  Do medications exist to make us comfortably numb to the truth of our sinfulness?

I am in therapy to be held accountable.  To change.  To get this wretched, vile, evil thing out of me so that I can live up to the goodness I was created for.

My homework is to accept humiliation - to feel bad about my bad actions.  To accept whatever I can that will lower me and stop feeding my pride & self love.  I must decrease so he must increase.

I spank for self preservation and in those times I display anger, it is all about me. It should not be about me.  It should be about Him.  Ironically and appropriately my cell phone ring is a song from Audrey Assad titled "For Love of You."

My actions should not be for love of me.  They must be for love of Him.  I can not spank my children because I love God.  I must treat my children with kindness and tenderness for love of Him.

Rosie is in Pre-K.  She could be in Kindergarten   That could be my daughter laying there cold.  :*-(  I sob and shudder at the thought and for the sake of the families.  It is time like this that Satan seems so big.  It is times like this that evil seems insurmountable.  The feeling that I can do everything and it is still not enough to protect my child from this.  and this is when we cry out "God HELP US!"  And - He does!  He is so here.  He is so bigger.  God help our nation turn back to you.  And I am completely speaking of those who profess Christianity.  ALL of us need to turn to you.  You are so missing from our equation.  When we can't make sense of this tragedy, we must turn to you.  God be with us.  Be with our families.  Be with our children.  Be with sinners.  Be with us, sinners.

Lord, most of all tonight, be with the families in Connecticut 

"And in despair I bowed my head;
There is no peace on earth," I said;
For hate is strong, and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

"God is not dead, nor does he sleep,
For Christ is here; His spirit near;
Brings peace on earth, good will to men."

therapy

Life has been pushing in hard.  

This morning the door bell rang, when Rosie's carpool arrived.  She was eating, shoeless and not ready.  I sent her to school with pink shoes (not allowed) and no jacket (and it was in the 30s).  I came home and Augie had peed in his car seat (and all over his 2nd set of clothes for the day) and Catie had pooped out of her diaper and all over her clothes...

I was starting to think about if I need to ask the doc to up my meds to handle the stress.  I have been walking around chanting "i hate....".  I have been calling my kids "you people" and saying words to them that I would not allow them to say to another person.  

....so, this afternoon my children are hungry, tired and 2/3 naked, and it dawns on me, I have a therapy appointment in 5 minutes!!!  

Luckily Mac& Cheese goes down fast, I got the little ones in bed and the big one set up with a movie, grabbed a cup of tea...and logged on to skype. 

And, it was the most incredible blessing and gift to myself.  It was God stepping in to say "I am here in the midst of this."  And I can't explain how the grace flowed.  

The idea of therapy was something that I have long declared that I would never need and certainly I would NEVER go. 

And here I am.  And the bill is big.  But the words are powerful.  In my very limited experience with my therapist, I am starting to gain some very important insights. 

Pride & Self Love. 

My therapist made a joke that unfortunately insurance companies won't accept that as a diagnosis.  

This thing, this monster is big.  My anger feeds it.  Humility, recognizing failure, recognizing it is about Him and not me kills it.  This monster is inside me but it is not me.  

I am so grateful for someone who speaks my language and calls me to a purifying holiness.  It is not about feeling good.  It is about feeling bad at the recognition of my sinfulness and letting God take it from there.  It is about Him increasing and me decreasing.  

Let the work begin.

wait

The anticipation is killing my husband. He said the little sign on our mantle is his hope and motivation. Why is it so hard to wait?

The pressure to decorate and celebrate pushes harder each year...as evidenced to me by Black Friday intruding on Thanksgiving.

It is so counter cultural to wait. It is like my own rebellious little fast.

Thus far we have a rosemary Jessie tree, a few lights on the mantle and two purple signs to remind us to hold off.

Happy Advent!

St Andrew Christmas Novena

This morning at prayer group one of the older women told me about the most beautiful prayer.  As she recited the words she teared up.  She told me of many miracles she has witnessed in her life from this novena.

When I came home I looked it up and discovered it is associated with St Andrew.  The Saint Andrew prayer starts on his feast day, November 30th and is recited 15 times a day until Christmas.

What a beautiful and perfect way for our family to enter in to the season of Advent!

A few years ago I was inspired to celebrate Advent and withhold Christmas celebrations for closer to the liturgical season.  It is so tough!  Especially now as Rosie asks me daily to get our tree, hang up a wreath, hang lights, etc.  My husband is surrounded by Christmas music at work and has to "turn that off" when he comes home.  I found this cute picture on Facebook:

I need to find ways to help our family CELEBRATE Advent.  So, we will start with the novena.  Hopefully add some family prayer time to our evenings and carve out a little more time for family fun. 

(JBTC, I just read your blog with info on the devotion!)

  

infertile...still & again

After posting every day of October, I have logged all of 3 posts for November.  Sorry!  :)

Short story...

Miracles are still happening in my life and the anger, though present, has been manageable.  I had my first session with a therapist and he was amazing.  If I can figure out how to finance him...I hope to continue to work with him (more on therapy in a future post). 

Long Story...

One of the issues that came up in our discussion was dealing with infertility.  It occurred to me that I have dealt with many of the bigger issues from my past, but I have never dealt with infertility.  I am convinced it left a big deep wound in me...and especially in my relationship with the Lord.  

With the blessing of children, that wound received a massive sized band aid.  But it was never treated.  It has certainly not healed. 

Perhaps that is the reason why this time is hurting again.  We have been married 10 years.  In all those years we have never tried to avoid pregnancy.  Nine beautiful months I had the joy of experiencing life in my womb (and a few months of natural infertility).  So, essentially, I have had 9 years of unnatural infertility. 

My last 5 years have been filled with the joy of children and the blessings of adoption.  My life has been filled and I did not notice the infertility. At some points I was afraid of ever being open again.  "With all this stress, how on earth could I ever do this again??"  As the kids grow, so does my openness.  But infertile openness & infertile trying are different.  

As a Fertility Care Practitioner I understand that often behavior changes before expressed intention.  For example, a fertile couple may start to use fertile days, or become more lax, before they officially declare they want to try to conceive.  

I have been targeting fertility for longer than I have expressed my openness.  But I fear/dread/loathe the idea of infertile trying.  And I can't do foster care now. That requires it's own openness.  I am not there yet.  

As happy events occur around me, I realize I am still and again..infertile.  And that this...is something that I need to deal with.  

Quick Takes: The victory is won. He is risen from the dead.

---- 1 ----

What a week.  I spent the morning yesterday among tearful women at prayer group.  For all those who have prayed so faithfully, He has not abandoned you.  

One woman discussed the sin cycles that can be found in the Old Testament.  When people get lax they slip into a state of sin, then desperation, than they cry "help me!" and then God comes and rescues them, they are redeemed, then start to become lax again. 

I don't understand why so many people accept everything that is contrary to the Gospel.  We are in the depths of sin and desperation. Let's keep calling for help!  God IS hearing our prayers. 

---- 2 ----

From Leila, I found the website for The Recovered Catholic.  I loved several of her quotes.  This one is on my heart this morning: 

"If you are a Catholic American citizen and voted for Obama yesterday, do know that you were not morally permitted to do so."  

The fact that the "Catholic" vote went in favor of Obama, sickens me.  I wish those people who were Catholic in name only would stop identifying themselves as Catholic.  For those that are Church goers or identify themselves as "faithful catholics".  God help you.  I am amazed at how many people can sit in the pews and still reject the Gospel outright.  Jesus and his Catholic church stands against abortion.   Against homosexual marriage.  Against attacks on embryonic life and elderly.  If you stand for those, you should not be receiving communion.  Your Amen does not mean "I believe."  We are in need of such a deep purging and deep conversion.  This is my prayer. 

---- 3 ----

This morning Chris Tomlin's song "I will rise" is on my heart.  The lyrics spoke to me.  

Jesus has overcome. 

And the grave is overwhelmed. 

The victory is won. 

He is risen from the dead.

---- 4 ---- 

The year of faith.  

Somewhere in this these two things will play together.  We are asked by our bishops to invite an inactive Catholic back to church.  Please read 10 Ways Catholics Can Live the Year of Faith and prayerfully consider adding a few ideas into your week.  

Also, check out Family Resources from the USCCB website. 

---- 5 ----

I have witnessed several miracles/victories this week through my work as a Fertility Care Practitioner.  I adore the work that I do.  There is nothing more rewarding than to see conversion happen in front of you and to be used by God.  I am honored to sit at the desk that is sometimes on the "front lines" and speak truth, challenge hearts and encourage healing.  

If you have ever considered becoming an FCP, please think about taking the next step and starting the education process.   God will provide the finances.  I can not think of a better more beautiful way to fight against the war on women. 

---- 6 ----

While I am grateful I had the opportunity to vote, my election day was spent with medical professions.  Namely, rushing my daughter to a children's hospital ER.  

I don't know how much I can write because this is where the tears come. 

Moments in parenting that bring you to your knees. 

On Sunday my daughter was under the couch looking for a dumb $3 ring that I told her I would not replace. My husband was sitting on the recliner.  He got up and did not realize she was under him.  On Tuesday she woke up and could not move her neck.  We scheduled an appointment with the chiropractor.  She then referred us to the Children's hospital.  X-Rays and the Cat Scan revealed that she suffered a C2 Cervical Subluxation.  

She is to wear an immobilization collar for 1-8 weeks, or longer.  Surgery may be needed to fuse C1 and C2 together.  

She wears the collar 24 hours a day.  It is not to be removed. It can not get wet.   She misses out on recess, her favorite part of the day.  The hardest thing for Rosie is having question after question of "what happened?"  I told her we should think of a silly story.  She came up with "a tiger jumped on me!"  My father suggested her collar should be gussied up with fake jewels.  I think we shall do that this weekend.  

The hardest thing for me is seeing my husband shattered because he felt like he broke his daughter.  On election night we turned off the tv and prayed together with tears.  Not for our country, but for our family.  For healing.  For no guilt.  

My Beautiful Girl

---- 7 ----

I would be grateful for your prayers for Rosie's healing.  Healing that her ligaments pull her C2 back into proper position quickly.  Prayers that no surgery is required and she will be quickly able to get back to normalcy.  Prayers that there is no permanent damage or future difficulty as a result of this accident.  

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,

that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection,

implored your help or sought your intercession,

was left unaided.

Inspired with this confidence,

I fly to you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother;

to you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful.

O Mother of the Word Incarnate,

despise not my petitions,

but in your mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.

my saints

St Kateri, pray for us!

St Michael, pray for us!

St Therese, pray for us!

overcoming anger {day 31} embrace it all

day 31.  what???!!!

I felt like I missed several days as a result of the hurricane and was going to go back and reorganize a bit to give myself a few more posts.  Then I saw the calendar.  Tomorrow is October 31st. The last day of my series dedicated to anger. 

I feel like I should have done more, said more.  But here I am.  At the end.  I am at peace. 

Last night, with the threat of loosing power.  I baked a pie and carved pumpkins with my family.  As my 5 year old sat on my lap I held her had and taught her how to carve the pumpkin.  Today we sat together for two hours and made Minnie Mouse ears for their costumes.  These little moments are the ones I love the most.  They are the ones that help me remember I am a good mom. 

Last week Rosie wanted to watch the movie of St Therese.  She cried at the end.  We talked about death.  Now that she is 5 we are having more life lessons.  I love it.  This is also the time that I am recognizing that she is thriving as a result of all the blood, sweat and tears.  She is an amazing little...princess.  (I type because she is fully convinced she is a princess and I love it!)

I really truly LOVE being a mom.  It is the most amazing and incredible gift I have ever received.  I love raising children.  It is the hardest, craziest, scariest, most insane thing I have ever been a part of...and I would not change anything for the world. 

These little people are making me a better person.  They are my path to heaven.  They are the needy that I serve.  The hungry that I feed.  The poor that I give everything to.

Day 31.  I am an amazing mom.  I do amazing, incredible things every day.  God wants you to know you are an amazing mom.  An amazing woman.  An amazing person. 

As for moving forward, whatever it takes, I will do.  My children are worth more to me than anything else in this world.  This series was for them.  I love you babies.  Please never forget how much I love you!! 

overcoming anger {day 30} therapy

I had a conversation on Friday with a Catholic therapist that was recommended to me by a girlfriend.

He is long distance and he totally speaks my language.  He used words like "Chrisian anthropology" and "true femininity".  I used words like "my goal is to get out of therapy as fast as possible".  It sounds like he is in support of that.  We are going to be having an intake double session via skype soon. 

(posted in advance while we still have power.  it is flickering)