Blood of Christ, inebriate me

So, as I am sitting on the back deck this morning, with my kids playing, reading my Anima Christi prayer book, the neighbor comes over.  He informs me that yesterday he found my two year old outside, in his yard, where he was about to back his truck.  The neighbor sent him back inside.  IF, this was an isolated incident, okay.  Unfortunately, I can add this to the list of a couple terrifying, his-guardian-angel-saved-him incidents. 

I have caught Augie trying to escape into the back yard a couple of times.  I thought I caught him every time.  Aparantly not.  And, up goes security...again.  Husband will be brining home locks to add to the top of the door.  The last incident resulted in the purchase of an additional baby gate (to block access to the garage door) and door knob protectors, which he has since mastered.  We are anxiously awaiting our adoption tax credit to purchase a much needed fence for our back yard.  Whether it is because he is mentally challenged in some way (yet unknown), or because he is a boy, or because he is two...he needs a greater degree of security and protection than Rosie ever did.

How many times must I say "do not leave this house without asking mommy?"  And, clearly, he still does not get it.  And so this saga continues...I can do nothing without Christ.

Blood of Christ, inebriate me

This line of the Anima Christi has always stood out to me.  "Inebriate me?"  Obviously, we have a very base understanding of inebriation.  "The kind of drunkenness we understand in our ordinary use of the word is a debasement or what true inebriation should be, that of what the poets and mystics have written when they said they were drunk with the love of Christ, inebriated with God."

Alcohol may lift & excite the senses, but ultimately, it is a depressent.  The stimulating effects wear off.  "Inebriation of the spirit is different....we should be enlivened, lifted up above our ordinary functioning, abilities and even potential, by the precious blood of Christ... In the true inebriation of the spirit, the antithesis of all that is preverse or evil or self-indulgent, there is a strength beyond what we could ever have ourself but which never lapses into languour." 

How could I ever survive motherhood without Christ?  This month I am discovering that the very beginning of a woman's cyce has potential for destruction and should not be written off since it can not technically be classified as "PMS."  Yes, I will be talking with my NaPro MD about this.  The control of my temper, control of my emotions are (right now) the little sacrifices I am being asked (by Christ) to make.  "In all the hidden, humdrum martyrdoms that are a part of real Christian daily living, one must be inebriated to agree to them....we die to our own preferences, we die to our tart response..we die to the caustic reply that pride proposes...one goes singing into all these inivtations to the little deaths of every day only when one is inebriated with the blood of Christ." 

"When what is asked for us in daily life seems...too much, too much to give, too much patience to sustain, too much meekness to achive, it remains wholly possible to turn to Christ, who shed all his precious blood that we might be inebriated by it's effects, to achieve ends far beyond our own unaided powers.  The more some things seem 'too much', the more inebriation we need.  And so the more we must turn to the precious blood of Christ streaming out through all his sacraments, given to us every morning in Holy Communion, cleansing us in every sacramental absolution...Why leave untapped the resources we have to be spritually inebriated?"  

Hello conviction.  Lord, let me not leave these resources untapped.

from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.

today we marched for life

 and on a lighter note...yesterday we ate ice cream. 

Body of Christ, save me

Body of Christ, save me

"A tired body counsels the mind: 'Stop working now.  Let us rest together.' And we know what happens when the mind refuses to follow the direction of the body.  A very fatigued body can lie awake all night long because the mind says, 'No, I will keep on thinking', when the body has said, 'It's time to stop now and for us to go to sleep together.'  Body and soul cannot sleep apart...
...Christ is the perfect whole person, body and soul working in perfect coordination. Just as it is his animating principle alone that will sanctify ours, so it is to his body that we must turn when we are torn by temptation, racked by passion, week in langour, dispirited with fatigue, when our bodily desires get out of hand....Ought this not be a favorite prayer in time of temptation...'Body of Christ, save me!"
from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Today is Peak+10.  For non charters out there, that means PMS big time.  It has been a bit rocky.  Yesterday was a ridiculously challenging day.  The little two were HORRIBLE.  Thanks be to God we were home and even more so, that my husband was home with me.  Catie and Augie were in a battle of the screaming, nothing could squelch them.  I am not talking about a fun, playful type of screaming.  More of a blood curdling, I am about to die type of screaming.  Nothing we could do was resolving this screaming (they were feeding off each other).  It lasted nearly an hour. 

Bedtime lasted two hours beyond normal and that was after the end of the screaming.  My husband's one comment was to be careful what we are shouting as our windows are open and we have neighbors that live close.  Evidently I said something to Augie about needing a spanking.  No one was spanked.  That was a miracle.

When our anger is raging, we must cry out "Body of Christ, save me!"

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.

a blog post SO worth sharing

TIME magazine chatters, THIS BLOG is a must read. "I don’t much care if you breastfed your kid until they started kindergarten, or if you fed them formula from day one....When it comes to issues of motherhood, there is one issue I care about: some kids don’t have one."

And now...go search some photo lists yourself:

Birth Mother's Day

I had not heard of this until today.  Evidently, a group of birth mother's in Seattle begin remembering this day, the day before Mother's day, as Birth Mother's Day.

A friend on facebook shared the Everything to Me music video by Mark Shultz, a message of thanks to his birth mom.

I am bringing back one of my favorite birth mother videos - Can I Live by Nick Cannon


And of course, especially remembering in prayer those who still long for motherhood.

reflections on Anima Christi

Thank you for the beautiful and heartfelt reflections following my last post.  It can be challenging to be  publicly honest...especially in the world of foster/adoptive parenting.  I felt the risk was worth it and your responses affirm that for me.

I was gifted with this lovely little reflection book to process the beautiful prayer that I mentioned, The Anima Christi.

I am going to try to share some of these beautiful reflections for my benefit, and possibly yours.

Anima Christi, Sanctifica MeSoul of Christ, sanctify me

"Our weakened and damaged soul, yet so beautiful and glorious and full of potential for eternal perfection, must find the strength to actuate its potential, not in itself, but in Christ....Perfect human fulfillment is to allow one's self to be completely taken over by Christ...The more Chrirstlike we are, the more animated we are...We are progressively "dead" insofar as we do not live in Christ."

Last year there was a "children's" book relased.  It's crude title related to an attitude that parents may regress to while dealing with a tough bedtime.  It trended on facebook.  The title stuck in my head and unfortunately now enters my mind on occasion.  I wish that I could erase those words from my mind. 

Without Christ we are dead.  We need to seek to be "taken over by Christ." 

"When we pray 'Anima Christi, sanctifica me' we are indeed making a bold and dangerous prayer, a tremendously exacting prayer.  We are saying we want to be emptied out, to experience our own kenosis as Christ experienced his, totally given, totally spent.  'Soul of Christ, sanctify me.'  It will not be painless.  No passion ever was."from "Anima Christi, Soul of Christ" by Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C (an Abbess of the Cloistered Contemplative Poor Clare Nuns)

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and Ever
Amen

This is part of a series, click Anima Christi under tags to see additional blog posts.

steeped in motherhood

When I had my daughter after 5 years of infertility, motherhood was sheer bliss.  It was incredible!  I was sleep deprived and it was challenging - but I WAS A MOM!  I had given birth to a precious teeny little angel.  I was the source of comfort, nutrition...love.  I carried her in a sling.  I used beautiful new cloth diapers.  I nursed on demand.  I co-slept.  Attachment parenting to the fullest! 

And then my beautiful, teeny angel became a toddler. 

She was very loud.  She did not love to sleep.  She pulled out all the toilet paper, spilled out all the dog food and wrote all over herself...daily.  At one point she even added a LARGE family portrait to her bedroom wall in marker.  One of her many graffiti art projects.  All the while, she was so precious and, though challenging, we wanted to add to our family more than ever.

 After secondary infertility, we were so blessed to become parents again through foster care. 

Augie came in with a bang.  He was sick.  He took out our whole family for the first month.  As a foster mom the bonding came slowly.  We were not permitted to co-sleep.  Slowly, those not so new cloth diapers were more of an inconvenience when dropping him off for family visits.  My hands were full.  I was content and for the first time ever in my married life, I was not actively seeking to conceive. 

After another year, I had another toddler on my hands.  This one particularly loved to eat dirt.  Also coal, stink bugs and dog food. 

And slowly my desire for motherhood again grew stronger.  I refused to get a family picture because it seemed a spot in our family was missing.  Rosie was praying for a sister.  My heart was open to another child.  And with that, Catie arrived.

Catie can scream like nobody's business.  Same as before, no co sleeping.  By now cloth diapers are lucky to be used as rags once in awhile.  Graffiti is a regular part of our home decor.  And sadly, cry it out is often all we can manage.  By bedtime, i am done. 

With her recent adoption, following Augie's 2011 adoption, my hands and my heart are overflowing.  Six years ago, I would not believe this could possibly be my future.  I am so blessed.  It is helpful for me to take a minute, sit back and see this.

"I know that God won't give me more than I can handle"

And God trusts me quite a bit.  Rosie is 4, Augie is 2, Catie is 1.  All that suffice to say the glow of new motherhood has worn off and I am now fully steeped in motherhood. 

When Augie reached that lovely age of toddler, I felt the strong need to address my PMS.  I added an anti-anxiety med and for awhile that seemed to take the edge off my mood swings.  Well, meds like that add a host of other troubles.  For example, NEVER try to just stop taking them.

After time, that little blue pill wasn't helping.   It was increasingly difficult to respond calmly to a stressful child situation.  One of my New Year's resolutions was to stop spanking.  I am against spanking for so many reasons.  IF (and I don't believe there is) a legitimately good reason for spanking, I was not using those reasons.  I was spanking because I was angry.

Recently I stopped by the Padre Pio Shrine to thank him for interceding and bringing Catie into our family.  I had two kids in the car and really only stopped because I was driving by.  I did not enter a building.  I simply pulled up to this statue, said thank you and touched the stigmata in his statue hand. 

Before my car even got back to the main road, I was sobbing.  Suddenly, the state of my soul was apparent and I had an immense need for confession NOW.  As I continued the drive to see family I was crying an ugly, purgative cry.  Fortunately, I know a few priests and I was blessed to find a confessor and attend adoration...while my family visited with the kids.  Confession is the big opportunity for reset, as my confessor encouraged. 

So now, I am struggling through this.  My greatest hope and prayer is to love my kids with a positive, affirming kind of love.  It has been a good week...but PMS is looming (side note, I am free of the little blue pill (yay!) and working with a NaPro MD on a more natural PMS treatment) I put this out there because I need to.  Accountability?  Prayers?  Yes.  The reality of my parenting is not as beautiful as a blog always seems to indicate.  And so I pray.

Padre Pio, please help!  Help me and all the mothers who struggle to be patient and kind in the midst of stress.  Help us to find the grace necessary to walk away.  Help us to build up our children and not tear them down. 

One of my favorite prayers and the one I am praying for this intention.

The Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen

Baptized

It looks like she has been put through the wringer.  Well...I guess, technically she was.

1213 Holy Baptism is the basis of the whole Christian life, the gateway to life in the Spirit, and the door which gives access to the other sacraments. Through Baptism we are freed from sin and reborn as sons of God; we become members of Christ, are incorporated into the Church and made sharers in her mission: "Baptism is the sacrament of regeneration through water in the word."

A few weeks ago I was concerned about  Catie's conception and birth circumstances.  I was worried that her past might have a negative impact on her future.  I was worried about the evil that may have entered her life through those circumstances.  I was considering how we might be able to bring her to be prayed with.  


Then my brother in law taught be a very important lesson.  Within the Sacrament of Baptism, an actual exorcism is preformed as a part of the ceremony.  Prior to the water washing away all her sins, she is exorcised of any evil spirits. When I learned this I could not wait for April 29th to arrive!!  


Today Catie was baptized into the Catholic Church.  Adopted as a daughter of God.  How cool is that?  Our gotcha day was April 25th.  God's gotcha day was today, April 29th.  :)  I love how He loves us!  \

Baptism is God's most beautiful and magnificent gift. . . .We call it gift, grace, anointing, enlightenment, garment of immortality, bath of rebirth, seal, and most precious gift. It is called gift because it is conferred on those who bring nothing of their own; grace since it is given even to the guilty; Baptism because sin is buried in the water; anointing for it is priestly and royal as are those who are anointed; enlightenment because it radiates light; clothing since it veils our shame; bath because it washes; and seal as it is our guard and the sign of God's Lordship. St. Gregory Of Nazianzus, Oratio 40,3-4:PG 36,361C.

it's official

and forever!

Adoption Day, 20 hours to go!

Maura Catherine...welcome to our family! 

On April 28th of last year I prayed at St Gianna's shrine, on her feast day and with her relics for our family to grow.  One week to the day later I met  you for the first time and fell madly in love.  It was a bit of a roller coaster, but you were truly meant for us.  You have filled our lives with so much joy and love.  We love you and are counting the minutes until 10am tomorrow when it is finally and forever official.  Wednesday you will become a part of our forever family.  Saturday, St Gianna's feast day (April 28th) we will be giving thanks for you.  Sunday, St Catherine of Siena's feast day, we will be baptizing you (on your name's day) and you will forever become a part of God's family. 

XOXOXO
With all our love,
mama & papa

home improvements

With spring in the air and company arriving soon, comes the motivation for home improving.  My first project was powerwashing and restaining our deck and playsets.  I found this great product at Lowes called Restore that made our icky old deck seem like a Trex deck.  It is not cheap (1 gal covers 50 sq ft, versus 1 gal of stain covering 250 sq ft) but I am so happy with the results.  I also slip-proofed the stairs and bridge on the playset by painting them with this prduct as well.

Next.  The Basement.  Finally.  The Basement! 

Our house is forever a work in progress.  It is nice to finally be making some.  Slow by sure.  While my husband worked on studding the wall and doing the electric, I worked on trimming out our fireplace.  This is officially my second wood working project and it is completely addicting.  So many more pinterest possibilities now that I can cut my own wood! 

Taking inspiration from one of my favorite blogs, this is what I am doing with the fireplace.  I still have a bit of work to do, but it is coming along.  I will try to get some actual finished pics up soon!

My next Pinterst project is this fantastic ruler growth chart. 

dear lillie

And then possibly this mat:

from Martha Stewart

Oh...and the garden. Once we have the adoption and party out of the way...the garden needs some love.

the gift of open adoption

Head on over to Foster2Forever to check out my guest post.

The Gift of Open Adoption - even in foster care

our pic...for now

16 days and counting until adoption day!

keeping vigil by candlelight

While life outside is normal and kids are playing on their spring break, inside our home is different.  It is a place of respite.  It is dark and lit only by candlelight.  It is Holy Thursday, we are making space in our lives for the Lord.  We are fasting from artificial light. 

Parenthood is stressful.  The most stressful period of my life thus far.  For me, adolescence was a time of restlessness and rebellion.  Young adulthood was a sort of quiet waiting with an anxiousness to know the future.  As a young married dealing with five years of infertility was pure anguish.  And  now, here I am.  Blessed parenthood.  And I am stressed.

This opportunity for peace  is a welcome moment in our life.

Today I was hoping to bring our family to the Vigil.  Two sick children plus one husband who needs to study means our life got in the way of our plans.  We watched a bit of the vigil on EWTN and now I am keeping vigil at home by candlelight.

Lord, be with us.  Helps us to enter in.

I am going dark.  Stopping only to share our experience by blog.  We are adopting this (read #2) wonderful suggestion and will be dark until Easter Sunday.

Happy feast day to my wonderful brother in law and all our clergy!

From the Chrism Mass (the bishop addresses the people):
My brothers and sisters, pray for your priests.  Ask the Lord to bless them with the fullness of his love, to help them be faithful ministers of Christ the High Priest, so that they ill be able to lead you to him, the fountain of your salvation.  Lord Jesus Christ, hear us and answer our prayer.

the challenges of open adoption

I was asked to guest post next week on Foster2Forever about the benefits of open adoption.  I am not usually at a loss for words, but it has been a challenging post to compose.  I firmly believe in the benefits of open adoption.  The ironic part is we are in the middle of a challenging situation that will impact Catie's life.

Back in the summer we went through a court battle with bio-aunt and bio-uncle who were fighting for Catie to be theirs.  It was a very unique set of circumstances.  Ultimately, the county did not feel it was in her best interest.  Their lawyer essentially represented us (as county foster parents) to keep her.  I was asked to testify in front of biological parents and relatives about how we love Catie, how she reacts negatively following visits with the aunt and how she is thriving in our routine.  The judge made it very clear how important she felt the family connection was.  She had me stand up in the back of the court room and asked what I saw could work to allow Catie to maintain a relationship with her Aunt and Uncle.  I stated that I had once a month visits in mind.  The judge seemed to accept this and challenged the Aunt to accept this (who was clearly emotionally upset from the decision that Catie would not be theirs).  No visitation was ordered, essentially leaving degree of contact in our hands.

Since that time we have scheduled a once a month visit with the Aunt & Uncle.  I talk to the aunt on the phone.  It is a very brief conversation.  I drop Catie at the door (where the uncle picks her up).  The Uncle returns her to my house three hours later.  In 6 months, I have not physically seen the Aunt.

I asked to set up a breakfast meeting with the Aunt & Uncle.  Primary motivation, we don't know them.  They have not extended themselves to us or attempted to form a relationship with us.  Secondary motivation, to put the ball in their court for scheduling visits.

That breakfast meeting was this morning.

Bottom line, I do not feel comfortable with Catie having unsupervised visits in their home.  There are other members of the household whom I do not trust to be unsupervised with my daughter.  I KNOW that if I offer park visits, offer to come with Catie to supervise, etc etc, it is going to upset the aunt, who specifically wants unsupervised visits in her home.

But.  She is our daughter.  It is our job to protect her and keep her from harm.  I know that this will likely be the last we see or hear from the aunt (who after this morning still believes we are okay with monthly unsupervised visits).

We are taking this to prayer.  Truly seeking God's will.  Please pray with us for this situation.

stuck in the middle

Earlier this month Augie was diagnosed with Williams Syndrome. The diagnosis was based on facial characteristics and speech delays and personality consistent with the Syndrome.  It was an emotional week as I explained to friends and family and tried to wrap my brain around what this diagnosis would mean for Augie and our family.

And then a strange thing happened.  The first blood test came back negative.  My initial response was "praise God".  But this did not rule out WS.  WS is still a possibility.  SO, the problem now lies in how far do we go for a diagnosis.

Typical next step is a test called the microarray.  The genetic counselor is researching a next step of a test called gene sequencing (which my brother explains as trying to understand space travel back in the 50s).  Both tests are $$$. Quick estimate from a friend of the sequencing is >5k. 

So, now....How far do we go to confirm or rule out the diagnosis.  Current surveys (from a WS group on facebook) say do the microarray (CGH) to be sure.  I need to confirm cost and then decide our next step.  
Hypothetically, if we were to stop here...what assumptions do I make.  Does he or doesn't he?  I will keep you posted.

thankful for my mom

As a teenager, my mom was not my favorite person.  We clashed - big time.  College and beyond I was still working on finding and embracing MY identity.  I was not often seeking her opinion or approval.  In the early years of my marriage, my husband often played the role of peacemaker.  He helped me try to see the situation through her eyes.

And then...I had kids.  And then and forever, my opinion of my mom changed.

My mom raised my brother and I across the world from her family.  Growing up with a military dad also meant she raised us as a single parent for a good portion of the time.  I can barely handle one dinner without my husband's presence.  I have so much more respect for how she handled six months without my dad.

Every day I am a mom, I grow to appreciate her more.  I am thankful for her love through the years.  I am so grateful for the gift of faith that she passed on to me (especially while the rest of her family had given up their faith).  I am thankful for her sacrifices, her devotion...the blood, sweat and tears she poured out for us.  Most of all, I am thankful to have her in my life today and for our now wonderful relationship.  She is a great mom and a great mimi. Thanks for everything...love you mom.

Tulips at the beautiful Longwood Gardens

My mama

Thank goodness for the children's gardens

the invites are waiting to go out

This weekend we took a photographer with us to the museum to get some family pictures and some Catie pictures.  I was so excited I ordered invitations the same night as well as two family canvas pictures (it was bogo at easycanvasprints). 

Augie & Catie were a bit miserable, so I am really blessed we got some good ones.  Our favorite one, we were tying to keep the babies from screaming and were just throwing sticks in the stream.  Our photographer got us from across the stream.  I wrote the post and am dying to share that one!  A few more weeks and you can see our full family picture.

Six weeks, to be exact.  Six weeks until the adoption, baptism, party and pictures!

Why We Need Kid's at Mass

I just read an excellent article in the latest National Catholic Register. Why We Need Kid's at Mass. I am going to ask my pastor to consider publishing it in our bulletin.

And, for a tear jerker, check out Priest Ordained Early to Fulfill Father's  Wish.  I still get choked up thinking about the extra-ordinary circumstances of that story.  

Infertility Support, free webinar

Ave Maria Press is hosting a free webinar for those who may be interested in helping their parish or Diocese offer support for couples struggling with infertility. 

today in pictures

Picking itty bitty flowers for mama

Doing whatever his big sister does...but he sure is cute

Sneak Peak

German Chocolate Cupcakes for our beloved uncle kiki

my new neice

Congratulations to my brother and his wife as they welcome their 2nd child and my first niece, baby Taylor June!  

Mom holding grandbaby #5!

Welcome baby Taylor!

we have a date!

God has sent his love to me in a big way today.  *tearing as I write*

In addition to the most.beautiful.day.ever...today I received an adoption date!!  April 25th Catie will become officially and forever ours!!  (and then I can share pictures :)

20/20 Williams Syndrome Special

part 1:
Where Everybody Wants to Be Your Friend | Video - ABC News

part 2:
Sunny Personalities, Serious Consequences | Video - ABC News

diagnosed

Today my son was clinically diagnosed with Williams Syndrome.

A few weeks ago my brother, a medical student, mentioned that Augie had textbook characteristics.  I looked it up and was surprised.  Not only by the facial features, but the personality traits.  Primarily speech delays and super friendly, even to strangers.

From early on there have been things going on.  A mother's instinct, you could say.  The first month he was in our care we were at his Pediatrician four separate times.  Dx: bronchiolitis and pre-asthmatic.  He had these mini, mild (never-quite-diagnosed-as) seizures. Even today, I am not sure they were seizures...possibly temperature sensitivity (he wakes up cold and it takes him longer than usual to warm up, he is usually shivering during this time).  His forehead also had an unusual attraction to concrete.

If you look closely at this picture, it has been Photoshopped...along with many others, to attempt to conceal the bruisey head in otherwise cute pictures.  

We first met with a pediatric neurologist around his first birthday.  One tight heel cord led to two MRIs which led to two diagnoses: 1. Possible Tethered Cord (this is a mild form of Spina Bifida....I think this was a 'CYA' dx on the part of the radiologist, I don't think he has this, but it will be monitored over time).  2. Chiari 1 Malformation (an incidental finding that we are blessed to know in the event of future problems). 

Oh yeah...and as I mentioned before, speech delays.  He was in weekly OT from 6-18 months old at which point he qualified out.

So, in a nutshell, we have been hot on the trail of whatever THIS was for a while now.  The conversation with my brother was not a shocker.  It will take about two weeks for a confirmation by way of the genetic test.  But, as soon as we stepped into the geneticist's office, he was throwing out all these words and quickly confirmed the clinical diagnosis.

So, tonight, I read.  I research.  And the reality starts to sink in.

In my reading words like "mental retardation" and "adult day homes" stand out.  As do "shorter life expectancy" and "lack of social boundaries".  I am encouraged that he is highly functioning.  As a whole, he is doing so well.  He is a beautiful, amazing, sweet little boy.  He is my heart.  Tonight my heart hurts a little as I attempt to process what this means for his future.  He has a 50% chance of passing this on to his children (though many WS adults don't have the ability for lasting relationships).  That is one of a long list of what may lay ahead for an adult with WS.

So many random things are running through my head.
- I am grateful for the show Parenthood and processing the idea of life with a a special needs child.
- God intended us to be parents to special needs kids, before we even met Catie.
- I am glad I enrolled Rosie in pre-K to have some time to focus on the needs (and OT appointments) for the babies this upcoming year.
- I am grateful for a Catholic special needs school very near by, and that adoption subsidies would likely cover any cost involved.   

I am sad.  I want to cry.  This will impact our future...and certainly, obviously his.  I know there is undiscovered joy and greater meaning that will be revealed over time.  For now...we are processing.

Women's Health Care?

I first visited a gynecologist when I was a teenager.  I was having severe menstrual cramps.  The kind of severe that made me spend my senior prom in the ER.  Consequently, that gynecologist "solved" all of "our" problems by placing me on the birth control pill.  This was my first encounter with women's health care.  It is pretty consistent with the quality of health care most woman receive today.

If you have a problem..."Have WE got a pill for YOU!"

The birth control pill...otherwise known as the biggest band-aid known to woman kind.  The only problem, this band-aid causes cancer, strokes, infertility, and spontaneous abortion.

As a teen, I was put on the pill and instructed to take it without the water pills, thereby eliminating my period for two years...until I encountered a woman, a mentor, who urged me to discontinue immediately.  Praise God for her.  According to a Mayo clinic study " any young girl or woman who is on hormonal birth control for 4 years prior to their first full term pregnancy increases their breast cancer risk by 52%."  See
Jenn Grioux, Deadly Risks of the Pill.  

Years later, when my husband and I were dealing with infertility, we knew enough to avoid the band-aid approach.  We didn't want to just get pregnant, we wanted to restore my health.  IVF is the big fat "band-aid" of reproductive medicine.  And it is just about as safe as the Pill (read: sarcasm).

We were so lucky to break free from the traditional course of ineffective woman's health care and discover True Woman's Health Care...also known as FertilityCare.   Suddenly, there was a wealth of information.  My charts were telling the doctors there was something wrong.  My blood work revealed the same.  Ironically, so many women are told they are fine, but if they can't conceive, try IVF.  #1. They are not fine.  #2. IVF does nothing to correct the problems doctors are too lazy to find.

NaPro Technology offered me a "Disease Based Approach to Infertility."  I was treated for my problems.  My endometriosis was removed properly and my hormones were regulated (not bypassed).  For the first time my doctors treated me as a person, a whole person.  They treated me with dignity and nothing I was asked to do was outside of my moral beliefs.

I was so impressed that I became a Fertility Care Practitioner to share the information with others.  I look at Dr Hilgers Medical Textbook frequently and am so tempted to bop Ob/Gyns on the head with it.  Until NaPro Technology is taught as a standard in Med Schools, I will continue to refer women to drive however far it takes for authentic women's health care. 

Consequently, my NaPro treatment led to the miracle conception of my daughter...though NaPro success goes so far beyond conception.  I have worked with woman who have resolved all sorts of medical issues their local doctors would not treat or acknowledge.

This is a Blog Hop!  To share how Fertility Care has impacted your life or marriage, go to Blessed and Broken and add your story to the Hop.

FertilityCare Blog Hop

March 25-31st is World Wide FertilityCare Week.  In order to help raise awareness for the amazing gift of FertlityCare, I am sponsoring a Blog Hop.  I would love to hear how FertilityCare (Creighton Model or NaPro Technology) has impacted your life.

Instructions:
1. Compose a blog on your site about:
a. how FertilityCare (Creighton Model or NaPro Technology) has impacted your life
b. how the use of the FertilityCare System helps you to find the Perfect Balance in the Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Communicative and Emotional aspects of who you are (or in your marriage)
c. or anything related to share the word!

2. Copy the link to that blog post and come back here to fill out the linky form

3. Go Back to your blog and add the code to the bottom (you must be in Edit HTML) with the statement
"This is a Blog Hop!  To share how Fertility Care has impacted your life or marriage, go to Blessed and Broken and add your story to the Hop."  

This Blog Hop will open March 1st and close March 31st.  I look forward to reading your blogs! 

27 hours...

Thankfully I have been busy.  So busy, in fact that the last two weeks have flown by.  Now, suddenly I am about 27 hours away from end end of the FWW (four week wait).  Pretty soon we can file petitions to adopt!  I am so thankful we have had a much swifter process with Catie.  All the adoption drama with her case happened right up front (check out the archives for May-Aug 2011). 

We are looking at an April or May adoption.  Her baptism date is scheduled and a park pavilion is booked for the par-tay. 

I don't have to look back too far to remember when parenthood seemed impossible.  I have learned so much in the last few years.  Literally, every tear led us to this place of readiness to be "showered in babies."  I am in awe of God and blessed to see His plan for our family being revealed.

Last night I hosted "Living Out Lent" at our parish.  We had 22 tables and about 160 women.  It was beautiful.  As this is my third time as host and emcee of this event, I figured it was time I introduce myself properly to these women.  I put up a picture of my kids.  I explained that someone had stopped me and stated they did not know I was pregnant when I hosted the first event.  I laughed.  To an outsider, I am a woman who keeps having babies....but never seems to be pregnant.  Well...once (thanks be to God).  So I explained that my kiddos are coming to me by way of foster care adoptions.  The response was a lovely round of a applause.  AMDG. 

adoption opportunity

two week old down syndrome boy in NJ.  Parents have already signed termination.

http://mommylife.net/archives/2012/02/adopt_baby_with.html

court

We had a review hearing today.  It was the biggest wait for the least dramatic 2 minutes of my life. 

The last week has been insanely crazy:
Tuesday Feb 14- Foster Care home re-evaluation by our social worker.  We stink at homestudies these days.  I will just say our 5th home study is SO different than our first. This is the picture - messy rooms (forgot she had to look in them), plugging the outlets as we walked by them, locking the cabinets as we walked by them, oh yeah...I forgot we happen to have electrical wires hanging from our downstairs ceiling at the moment, I printed out our escape chart as she waited...the kicker, I had to send my BIL to the store to buy another smoke detector (during the home visit!).

Wed Feb 15 - Closing visit with bio mom...see previous post for details on that one (big kids at sitters)

Thursday Feb 16 - Social worker visit (by Catie's social worker).  Later our adoption social worker came over to have us sign papers and pick up what she needs for our adoption home study, PLUS, OT for Catie.

Monday Feb 17th - Creighton appointment - (kids at sitters)

Tuesday Feb 18th - Creighton appointment, followed by court (big kids at sitters).  We arrived at 3pm.  We sat in the waiting room until 4.45pm.  Evidently you NEVER want to have court scheduled for the day after a holiday.  We waiting downstairs another 10 minutes before we went into the "makeshift court room" for literally 2 minutes.  The master said "you're still here?  You didn't have to stay for this."  Um, yeah.  Wish someone would have told me that a few hours ago.

Tomorrow is Mass followed by a family visit with bio-aunt, followed by OT.  And then, I think we can breathe for a few days. 

I will say...for the record - sitting in the waiting room of CYS for an extended period of time is gut wrenching.  I got involved with two other families and their CYS drama.  One sibling group of four.  The mom came back from court and sat in the room in tears hugging all her kids as foster mom explained that mom is sad because they can not go home yet.  Second was a sibling group of five, split among three foster families.  Parental rights were terminated.  No resource available to take all five.

For so long we waited for a child.  We prayed, we begged God.  I was unsure if I would ever be so blessed.  Now, I am so blessed to be a mom.  And I see SO many kids who need a family.  Sitting in the waiting room is so different than browsing photo listings on your state website.  I know families that want kids and I see kids that need families.  And I can't do much more than pray they find each other somehow.

a closing visit

Feb 15, 2012.  Catie had her final visit this morning with her birth mom. 

Last year's closing visit happened on Feb 23 (for Augie...I am just amazed at how time lines collide).

~~~~~~~~~~~

We got up this morning and I packed her bags, her food, a change of clothes...the usual.  I also included a letter to her birth parents.  I wanted to assure them of our love for Catie and update them on her developments.  I told them that we pray for them nightly.  At the close of the letter, I extended an invitation for further contact.  I stated that I would love to send them updates and maintain some form of contact through the years.

{backstory: they signed TPR back in September.  They walked out of CYS refusing to provide any photos of themselves and stating they did not want further contact.  A few weeks later mom "unsigned".  TPR happened in Court Jan 30th.  Dad's termination was voluntary, Mom's termination was involuntary.  Since unsigning mom has refused all opportunity for visits.  I was glad to hear she agreed to be a part of a closing visit.}

Catie's first foster mom had the opportunity to supervise the visit.  She also offered to bring her in to the visit for me.  She picked her up and it was a pretty quiet morning. Rosie was missing her daddy so we called to see if he could come home for an early lunch.

After lunch we went to Target.  I wanted to get a small gift for her mom.  I had a photo printed to 5x7, purchased a pretty frame and planned to give it to her and promise to keep it filled through the years. 

I made arrangements to have my kids at a sitter so I could pick up Catie from the visit and attempt to say thank you to mom.  This can be tricky in the foster world because they are not giving up their child willingly.

On my drive there I was planning what I would say, how the exchange might go.  I was 15 minutes from CYS and cars started to slow, then came to a dead halt.  Traffic on the bypass is never a good thing.  There is no way out.  I sent foster mom a text that I was stuck in traffic and may be late.  It turned out there was a bad accident and all traffic was being diverted off the highway.  I was so stuck, all I could do is clutch my rosary and start to pray.  I was praying for Catie's birthmom and another birth mom that is in my prayers right now.

Thirty minutes later, the texts started coming back "how much longer"; "can we meet outside" and then "they had to leave."  Birth mom was there with her teenage daughter, whom I have never met.  I missed the opportunity to say goodbye.

When I finally arrived they were long gone.  I dropped off the picture to my social worker to be mailed to birth mom.  I collected Catie, I went back to the sitters, picked up my kids and came home.

There was a reason I was not there.  Only God knows.  I am told it was a wonderful visit.  Birth mom read my letter and sobbed.  She clearly accepted the fact that she could not care for Catie and she was where she needed to be.  Hearing all this I breathed a sigh of relief.  She has come to terms with the adoption, praise God.  I am hopeful the rest of our FWW (four week wait to TPR) will be uneventful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Look for  my guest blog tomorrow on Foster2Forever.  I am honored to be invited to be a regular part of a guest column on her blog.

six months

Six months.  We have only officially had Catie in our care for six months.  Unofficially, we had long visits for two months prior to her placement.

When I say the words "six months" it seems like no time at all.  When I think about her role in our life, it seems as if she has always been a part of us. 

I wish I could share pictures.  She scrunches up her nose to smile at me now...every time she sees me.  EVERYthing is "mommieee".  My husband does not love this...but boy does Catie love him (even though she calls him "mommieee").  She is always complimented on her personality.  She can be such a charmer.  She can also scream louder and with more intensity than any child I have ever met.  She does this if I attempt to remove my cell phone from her hands.

She is still a bit behind in the development department.  The best way to say is she moves at her own pace.  She is by far my safest-on-the-stairs baby and the first one to have not fallen down them.  She is very cautious of new movements, but as soon as she figures something out...she's golden.  It was amusing at a baby play date seeing a 7 month old standing (almost walking!) while my 14 month old won't even put her feet on the ground.  We are making progress.  She will get there!

I made the last of my treks to the children's hospital on her behalf; while at the same time scheduling my first appointment at said hospital on Augie's behalf.  More on that later.  Never a dull moment here. 

~~~~~~~~

I was recently moved reading an adoption account from another blogger.  Part 3 gives me insight into Catie's early NICU days.  Reading her account made me sad that we were not yet a part of Catie's life to love on her so intensely.

~~~~~~~~

Bio mom called and wants to schedule a closing visit.  I am actually thrilled to hear this.  First, to know she recognizes and accepts the end.  Second, because it is possibly my first and only chance to talk to her, thank her, hug her...and get a picture of her.  I hope she does not bail.

12 days down, 18 days to go.  It is a bit challenging to plan for things such as baptisms, but I have set a date for the end of May.  Hopefully she will be finally and officially ours before then...and May will be the big party!

termination of parental rights

TPR happened today (in court).  I have not gotten a report so I assume all went as scheduled.  I hope.

And so...we wait.  30 days.  At the end of that period, we can petition to adopt Catie.  This little girl that has stolen our hearts.  The little one who now calls me "mommie".  The little one who seemed to find me and made her way to the center of my heart the moment I saw her.  Catie who became a part of our family before she was even placed in our home.  This precious little child that I truly believe was meant to be a part of our lives. 

You are the sister Rosie prayed for.  The one who made Augie a big brother.  The one who challenges us in so many ways and then reels us right back in with that smile.  We can't wait to make you officially ours. 

To the Mother of Only One Child

This article by Simcha Fisher is spreading across facebook like wildfire.  It is very clear women relate so well. 

There are so many ways you can go with reflections on this.  The world of infertility, secondary infertility, why some women feel they can't handle more than one child.  I will just file it under "reasons to consider becoming a foster parent."

The other morning my husband and I sat at the table and enjoyed coffee while we watched our children playing together in the kitchen.  Siblings are a tremendous gift.  Without foster care, our daughter would still be an only child.  Now she has a little brother (aka her groom and her prince) and a little sister (aka the other princess or her little baby). 

Being a mom is hard.  In so many ways, being a mom to one is harder. 

"Reclaim your Joy"

This is what the Lord spoke to me tonight in adoration.

I thought I was driving to bible study but since it study was cancelled on account of the holiday, it ended up being "date night with Jesus."  It was kind of like when you are dating and your boyfriend does something really cool to surprise you.  Monday night. I am sitting at the Church parking lot and Jesus was waiting for me inside.  "Surprise!"

I LOVED THAT!  When I walked in, the only other person in the chapel walked out.  I was alone before the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.  I think He planned this.  :)

I prayed for you!!  By name I prayed for everyone who has requested prayers, newly had a baby, newly adopted, painfully waiting.  You were all on my heart.  I prayed three fervent Hail Marys for my brother in law.  I prayed for my in laws.  I prayed for my family.

Intercessory prayer led me deeper and the Lord started talking.  I had a couple of things I was looking for inspiration on:
1. Living Out Lent night for women I am running next month
2. Theology of the Body retreat that I am doing with teen girls
3. Personal life, prayer life, etc.

I believe I have a theme for #1 "Lead Me to the Cross" and I ended up reading the Crucifixion accounts in all four gospels to see the role of women at the cross. 

I hope God can rock the girl's socks off for #2.  I was contemplating how a teenage girl could live "Free, Total, Faithful and Fruitful."  Cool stuff!  I am also so psyched about this opportunity and totally bringing "Rosie" dressed up in princess garb to remind the girls of when we all truly believed we were princesses.   

#3.  God led me to a verse.  Psalm 13.  My bible practically fell open to it.  I actually had a pencil resting in the page.  Surprise surprise.  Ummm, so I totally forgot, but this is the SAME VERSE God sent me to the last time I was in adoration.  I think He was trying to make a point!  Underlined, circled and verse that is going on my kitchen window: "Grant my heart JOY in your help."

I LOVE the word Joy.  At an Unbound conference in the Spring I was blessed to receive the Father's blessing via Neal Lozano.  His prayer was about the blessing of my name, Elisabeth and how during Mary's visit to Elizabeth the infant lept in her womb (for joy).  The blessing was for joy within me.  During adoration tonight I felt the Lord urging me to "reclaim joy in (my) life."  Lately, as a wife and mother I am more tired and less enthusiastic.  So, I am holding on to this new blessing and will be seeking my JOY.

Finally, my marching orders for the Month (from this post).
S (spiritual) - offer up my little sufferings for my husband
P (physical) - morning exercises with the kids
I (intellectual) - read one book, any book, this month
C (creative/communicative) - to try to have post-bedtime (=kids in bed) dinner with my husband 1x week
E (emotional) - speak words of affirmation to fill hubby's love tank

adoption matchmaking

I am falling in love with adoption matchmaking.  :) 

Two years ago I was blessed to play a small role in a friend being matched with their daughter.

In the fall, I blogged about fostering and how I wished I could just start bringing waiting kids to the doorsteps of waiting couples.

Recently, I became involved with an adoption opportunity and am so grateful to play witness to hearts opening up for such a special little girl.  It was no accident I blogged about feeding tubes.  Please keep praying for this precious little girl to find her forever family.   

Now..I have NO desire to be a social worker.  But it is wonderful to be an adoption advocate.

a lesson in feeding tubes

Tomorrow 'Catie' will be having surgery at 7.30am to close her feeding tube opening.  Surgery is rarely necessary...but she needs it.  Pray for her!


On the occasion of officially being done with the tubes (wahoo!) I thought I would take a moment to educate others on what exactly we dealt with (she dealt with) in the tube department.

Catie was in NICU for the first four months of her life.  I am not certain when exactly the feeding tube was placed, but I believe it was closer to the end of her stay.  Due to her drug addiction she was not feeding well and subsequently classified as failure to thrive. 

When I first met Catie, she had a GJ Tube.  It was a long tube, dangling from her body that had three ports.  One for the balloon (which is blown up inside her stomach to keep the tube in place), one for her G (gastric or stomach) port and one for the J (Jejunum) port.  No one is quite sure why the doctors felt Catie needed the additional J port, rather than just a stomach port, but the assumption is that babies are less likely to deal with reflux from medications when they are sent down the J port.  Catie and her WONDERFUL first foster mom worked hard together to wean from tube feeding to where she was taking in enough calories by mouth. 

What her GJ Tube looked like from the outside

It was surgically inserted into her Stomach and Jejunum

We did pretty well with the JG tube.  We normally dressed her in a onesie so she or our other kids could not pull it.  By the time she entered our care, she was eating exclusively by mouth and no longer receiving any meds.  Our responsibilities included daily care of the tube (flushing it with tap water) and care of her stoma (cleaning her opening as it was quite leaky and irritated).  So, despite the non use of the tube, doctors wanted to keep it in until fears of her weight gain issues had passed.  The JG tube remained in...until the wonderful day when she was not wearing a onesie and I picked her up out of the exersaucer.  Suddenly I was soaked.  I thought she had a messy diaper and I looked down and 'aaaagggghhhhh'.  I had pulled out her tube.  A trip to our local ER and they placed a temporary catheter to hold the stoma open.  A week later and a trip to the children's hospital further away, and Catie was downgraded to MicKey G tube.  If she needed to have the J portion reinserted, it would have had to be done surgically by scope.  Fortunately, the Mic Key tube insertion was a quick process in the doctors office.  I learned how to insert it, in the event it was pulled out. 

The Mic Key tube was SO much nicer.  So, as before, responsibilities were flushing the tube, cleaning the stoma. checking the balloon fluid level and on occasion, removing the tube to check for leaks or replacing it. 

Catie had the Mic Key tube up until December, when I begged her doctor to get rid of it altogether.  There is no way in haities I was going to mess up her progress and put food in that thing.  No set backs here buddy!  Her weight gain was still slow, but consistent with her growth, so he agreed.  Removal was simple.  I got home that night and took it out.  I put a gauze on top and put her to bed.  Instructions were if it had not closed in 48 hours I may have to come back and get a stitch. 

Well...something got lost in doctor lingo.  After three days I discovered a small leak.  For the last several weeks I have lovingly referred to her site as her blow hole.  I have had to keep it covered and tomorrow it will finally be surgically closed.  Not quite 'just a stitch' but a simple procedure supposedly.

So...hopefully you have enjoyed your brief lesson on feeding tubes.  As I have never fed through a feeding tube, I can't be of too much help.  We have some fancy equipment in our garage and I have learned words such as bolus, that never really applied to us.  BUT, if you ever encounter a child with a tube, Be Not Afraid! 

Schooling & Perspective

Perspective.

I remember when Rosie was two, I started feeling the internal pressure for pre-school.  We have so much pressure to school.  Shortly after that, I started getting the questions.  "Is 'Rosie' starting school in the fall?"  (as she was about to turn 3).  Since that time the pressure to school has not just been internal.  In books I had begun to read, it seemed there was more information about dangers of schooling too early.

This past school year Rosie was JUST eligible for our parish pre-school.  In discerning what to do, specifically if we wanted her to be oldest in the class or youngest, a very wise teacher friend said "always give your child the gift of time."  She also asked "would you rather your daughter be driving her friends around or riding in the back of their car?"  That was an easy answer.  In quick interview with others, it seemed that being older in the class was usually preferred/easier. 

Perspective.

Before, I was dealing with pressure to school.  Now, perspective allows me to see that giving her an extra year allows us to have her in our home an extra year.  Rather than rushing our 17 year old off to college, we will have almost a full year with our 18 year old.  I am obviously not parenting a teenager right now.  But, reason tells me in parenthood, every moment counts.

This year we have been working on "handwriting without tears".  It has been a very loose pre-school program, but we so enjoy our time together.  That said, I am still struggling heavily with the idea of being solely responsible for her education.  Mainly related to the responsibility of having all children in my charge at all times...this in itself is a big lifestyle change, it is not so easy just to run to the store.  Also, teaching requires quite a bit of patience...and so far we are only sitting down for an hour a couple of times a week.  For Christmas, I received another wishlist book, Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons.   I am looking forward to starting that this year. 

I am not sure yet if we will enroll in pre school in the fall or continue to school at home.  We love the precious moments with our beautiful children.  We love teaching our values and faith, seeing our two year old sing Alleluia or bow his head to pray and say Amen.   We love seeing Rosie grow into a God-loving little girl.  Those moments of witnessing the fruits of our parenting are priceless. 

For 2012, "God, please continue to shower me with BUCKETS of grace necessary to be a good mom.  A loving mom.  An encouraging mom.  A mom who teaches by her actions.  Help ME be a better ME.  For this I pray. Amen."

organizational gold mine

one word...COZI

and the story goes, I facebooked my husband a link for Best Apps for Catholic Moms because he received a tablet for Christmas and was looking for great apps.  Some how, when he looked at it on his tablet, he did not see what I see...but somehow found out about cozi.com. 

He started to tell me about this cool app that he thought I would like.  I thought to myself, not another online calendar (we have tried google calendars, my planner, fridge calendars, paul's outlook, etc etc) and I shrugged it off and forgot he even mentioned it.

Well, part of my new years resolution involves keeping my sink shiny.  As I was looking through flylady.net this morning, she referred me to cozi.com.  It looked interesting so I started to create a new account..and discovered my husband already created one for us.

SINCE we now have oh....4 internet connected devices around our home (one pc, two laptops and a tablet)...cozi.com will be my new home page.

I have spent the past two hours updating our family calendar, checking the shopping list that my husband added (both calendar and shopping list can be sent via text to our phones) and finally....adding our favorite recipes to the recipe box.  This is one area that I have never found a home for on the internet.  I frequently print recipes, and file them in our paper recipe box.  But I am always loosing pages (not to mention the ink and paper).  Check out what Cozi can do for storing favorite recipes and meal planning!  I have been moving some pinterest ideas over to cozi.

It has a great feature for logging favorite family moments that can be shared on a monthly basis (or whenever) with family.  Great as not everyone checks my blog or facebook and you can just email for whomever might be interested.  

In a nutshell...well just watch this

 

adoption opportunity

I was just asked if I know anyone that wants to adopt a little girl.

She is special needs and uber adorable.

One year old, down syndrome, maternal drug addiction, feeding tube; Hispanic.    Doing well, LOVES to interact and talk.  Paternal rights terminated.  In need of a good, loving, permanent home.  Please email me for more information.