dry

dry.

The house, my hands, my desire to blog....

I have sat at the computer with intent and left with regret several times in the last weeks.

What I would have shared in a couple quick takes:
1. Paul's 94 year old Busia passed peacefully in her sleep after attending mass and celebrating the Polish Christmas eve dinner with her family.  Seriously I can not imagine a more beautiful way to pass.  I was grateful to be able to make the quick trip with my husband to celebrate her life.  Quick thanks to the family who made it possible for us to attend.

Rosie enjoying time with her pra-busia in October.  A memory & photo I cherish.

2.  Christmas was wonderful, full of family.  We finished our guest room in the nick of time.  A reveal that will have to wait for another day.

3. New Years Eve.  I quote my mom who said "most fun new years."  Pinterest style, I went to Party City and had balloons blown up to help us count down the hours.  In each balloon was a note.  Each hour, my alarm went off to summon the kids to pop a new balloon.

7pm - Make Caramel Apples
8pm - Make Soap Clouds
9pm - Play a Game
10pm - Watch a Movie
11pm - Sing Karaoke
12 pm - Make a Toast and Go to Bed!

The babies made it almost to 10pm and Rosie made it to celebrate midnight.  The evening was a blast.

4. The day after my mom left, I threw out my back.  I have never done this before and holy smokes...I do NOT recommend it.  I spent the first day in tears and with the help of my husband's ingenuity, was only able to lay down or get up using a table leaf as a back board.  I am slowing regaining movement and coming out from under almost a week of muscle relaxers and naproxin.

5. I hate hate hate HMOs.  Just for the record.

6. I am grateful for the women who have come forward and told me how much they appreciate or relate to my 30 days series.  Being completely honest in the blog world is a risk.  Especially for a foster mom.  My struggles have not ended, but I am strengthened with new resolve.  And each time someone thanks me for writing those posts, I am reminded to go back and read them.  Something I need to do regularly.

7. Did I miss the birthdays???  I forgot the birthdays!  Augie turned 3 and Catie turned 2!  We celebrated at a bounce house.  Best birthday ever for Augie, worst birthday ever for Catie.  Fortunately she enjoyed her cupcake.  I am amazed to look at my babies growing and think of how far we have come.

I am truly blessed to be mamma to these special little ones.  For as much as they challenge me, they are beautiful miraculous gifts straight from God.  He knew I needed them to purify me and bring me to my knees.  He knew they needed me, a mamma who would love them and do anything for them.  Happy Birthday to my babies.  I am grateful for you.

I have been praying for...

Waiting in Joyful Hope,

It has been my honor to pray for you this month.  When I got my assignment and checked out your blog, I read your story and wanted to send big hugs.  It was a special honor to pray for a still-waiting blogger, remembering the great and heavy time of waiting and waiting and waiting.

As I read through your old posts, I saw you actually linked to my blog to share your NaPro story (which made me even more excited to pray for you).

I have offered Mass for you and included you in our St Andrews Christmas Novena.  I will keep you close to my thoughts and in my prayers...especially as your start your foster care process soon!  We received our first placement three months after we started our training...I will be especially praying for a quick referral and the child meant just for you two.

With loves of hugs and love!
e

from a person dealing with anger, on this tragedy

I was oblivious up until 3pm.  I got home from my daughter's Christmas pageant only to see my facebook feed filled up by comments from sad and grieving mothers.  I quickly became one of them.  Wondering along with them "how the hell can this happen? What is wrong with people???  What the hell is wrong with our world?"

After I cried...sobbed...I started to think.

St Therese of Liseux said she was capable of the worst kind of crimes.

Reviewing the facebook feed again, I see most of the posts coming from people of faith.  Many, like me, begging our Nation to turn back to God.

What is the difference between this kind of monster and us?  God.  Not in believing He exists, but believing He is bigger than the challenges, the despair, the anger.

I have my own feelings and judgments about modern day psychotherapy.  My therapist has helped me confirm that my suspicions are not far from truth.  He mentioned a place near him called "All About You Therapy."  Is therapy enabling?  Do medications exist to make us comfortably numb to the truth of our sinfulness?

I am in therapy to be held accountable.  To change.  To get this wretched, vile, evil thing out of me so that I can live up to the goodness I was created for.

My homework is to accept humiliation - to feel bad about my bad actions.  To accept whatever I can that will lower me and stop feeding my pride & self love.  I must decrease so he must increase.

I spank for self preservation and in those times I display anger, it is all about me. It should not be about me.  It should be about Him.  Ironically and appropriately my cell phone ring is a song from Audrey Assad titled "For Love of You."

My actions should not be for love of me.  They must be for love of Him.  I can not spank my children because I love God.  I must treat my children with kindness and tenderness for love of Him.

Rosie is in Pre-K.  She could be in Kindergarten   That could be my daughter laying there cold.  :*-(  I sob and shudder at the thought and for the sake of the families.  It is time like this that Satan seems so big.  It is times like this that evil seems insurmountable.  The feeling that I can do everything and it is still not enough to protect my child from this.  and this is when we cry out "God HELP US!"  And - He does!  He is so here.  He is so bigger.  God help our nation turn back to you.  And I am completely speaking of those who profess Christianity.  ALL of us need to turn to you.  You are so missing from our equation.  When we can't make sense of this tragedy, we must turn to you.  God be with us.  Be with our families.  Be with our children.  Be with sinners.  Be with us, sinners.

Lord, most of all tonight, be with the families in Connecticut 

"And in despair I bowed my head;
There is no peace on earth," I said;
For hate is strong, and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

"God is not dead, nor does he sleep,
For Christ is here; His spirit near;
Brings peace on earth, good will to men."

therapy

Life has been pushing in hard.  

This morning the door bell rang, when Rosie's carpool arrived.  She was eating, shoeless and not ready.  I sent her to school with pink shoes (not allowed) and no jacket (and it was in the 30s).  I came home and Augie had peed in his car seat (and all over his 2nd set of clothes for the day) and Catie had pooped out of her diaper and all over her clothes...

I was starting to think about if I need to ask the doc to up my meds to handle the stress.  I have been walking around chanting "i hate....".  I have been calling my kids "you people" and saying words to them that I would not allow them to say to another person.  

....so, this afternoon my children are hungry, tired and 2/3 naked, and it dawns on me, I have a therapy appointment in 5 minutes!!!  

Luckily Mac& Cheese goes down fast, I got the little ones in bed and the big one set up with a movie, grabbed a cup of tea...and logged on to skype. 

And, it was the most incredible blessing and gift to myself.  It was God stepping in to say "I am here in the midst of this."  And I can't explain how the grace flowed.  

The idea of therapy was something that I have long declared that I would never need and certainly I would NEVER go. 

And here I am.  And the bill is big.  But the words are powerful.  In my very limited experience with my therapist, I am starting to gain some very important insights. 

Pride & Self Love. 

My therapist made a joke that unfortunately insurance companies won't accept that as a diagnosis.  

This thing, this monster is big.  My anger feeds it.  Humility, recognizing failure, recognizing it is about Him and not me kills it.  This monster is inside me but it is not me.  

I am so grateful for someone who speaks my language and calls me to a purifying holiness.  It is not about feeling good.  It is about feeling bad at the recognition of my sinfulness and letting God take it from there.  It is about Him increasing and me decreasing.  

Let the work begin.

wait

The anticipation is killing my husband. He said the little sign on our mantle is his hope and motivation. Why is it so hard to wait?

The pressure to decorate and celebrate pushes harder each year...as evidenced to me by Black Friday intruding on Thanksgiving.

It is so counter cultural to wait. It is like my own rebellious little fast.

Thus far we have a rosemary Jessie tree, a few lights on the mantle and two purple signs to remind us to hold off.

Happy Advent!

St Andrew Christmas Novena

This morning at prayer group one of the older women told me about the most beautiful prayer.  As she recited the words she teared up.  She told me of many miracles she has witnessed in her life from this novena.

When I came home I looked it up and discovered it is associated with St Andrew.  The Saint Andrew prayer starts on his feast day, November 30th and is recited 15 times a day until Christmas.

What a beautiful and perfect way for our family to enter in to the season of Advent!

A few years ago I was inspired to celebrate Advent and withhold Christmas celebrations for closer to the liturgical season.  It is so tough!  Especially now as Rosie asks me daily to get our tree, hang up a wreath, hang lights, etc.  My husband is surrounded by Christmas music at work and has to "turn that off" when he comes home.  I found this cute picture on Facebook:

I need to find ways to help our family CELEBRATE Advent.  So, we will start with the novena.  Hopefully add some family prayer time to our evenings and carve out a little more time for family fun. 

(JBTC, I just read your blog with info on the devotion!)

  

infertile...still & again

After posting every day of October, I have logged all of 3 posts for November.  Sorry!  :)

Short story...

Miracles are still happening in my life and the anger, though present, has been manageable.  I had my first session with a therapist and he was amazing.  If I can figure out how to finance him...I hope to continue to work with him (more on therapy in a future post). 

Long Story...

One of the issues that came up in our discussion was dealing with infertility.  It occurred to me that I have dealt with many of the bigger issues from my past, but I have never dealt with infertility.  I am convinced it left a big deep wound in me...and especially in my relationship with the Lord.  

With the blessing of children, that wound received a massive sized band aid.  But it was never treated.  It has certainly not healed. 

Perhaps that is the reason why this time is hurting again.  We have been married 10 years.  In all those years we have never tried to avoid pregnancy.  Nine beautiful months I had the joy of experiencing life in my womb (and a few months of natural infertility).  So, essentially, I have had 9 years of unnatural infertility. 

My last 5 years have been filled with the joy of children and the blessings of adoption.  My life has been filled and I did not notice the infertility. At some points I was afraid of ever being open again.  "With all this stress, how on earth could I ever do this again??"  As the kids grow, so does my openness.  But infertile openness & infertile trying are different.  

As a Fertility Care Practitioner I understand that often behavior changes before expressed intention.  For example, a fertile couple may start to use fertile days, or become more lax, before they officially declare they want to try to conceive.  

I have been targeting fertility for longer than I have expressed my openness.  But I fear/dread/loathe the idea of infertile trying.  And I can't do foster care now. That requires it's own openness.  I am not there yet.  

As happy events occur around me, I realize I am still and again..infertile.  And that this...is something that I need to deal with.  

Quick Takes: The victory is won. He is risen from the dead.

---- 1 ----

What a week.  I spent the morning yesterday among tearful women at prayer group.  For all those who have prayed so faithfully, He has not abandoned you.  

One woman discussed the sin cycles that can be found in the Old Testament.  When people get lax they slip into a state of sin, then desperation, than they cry "help me!" and then God comes and rescues them, they are redeemed, then start to become lax again. 

I don't understand why so many people accept everything that is contrary to the Gospel.  We are in the depths of sin and desperation. Let's keep calling for help!  God IS hearing our prayers. 

---- 2 ----

From Leila, I found the website for The Recovered Catholic.  I loved several of her quotes.  This one is on my heart this morning: 

"If you are a Catholic American citizen and voted for Obama yesterday, do know that you were not morally permitted to do so."  

The fact that the "Catholic" vote went in favor of Obama, sickens me.  I wish those people who were Catholic in name only would stop identifying themselves as Catholic.  For those that are Church goers or identify themselves as "faithful catholics".  God help you.  I am amazed at how many people can sit in the pews and still reject the Gospel outright.  Jesus and his Catholic church stands against abortion.   Against homosexual marriage.  Against attacks on embryonic life and elderly.  If you stand for those, you should not be receiving communion.  Your Amen does not mean "I believe."  We are in need of such a deep purging and deep conversion.  This is my prayer. 

---- 3 ----

This morning Chris Tomlin's song "I will rise" is on my heart.  The lyrics spoke to me.  

Jesus has overcome. 

And the grave is overwhelmed. 

The victory is won. 

He is risen from the dead.

---- 4 ---- 

The year of faith.  

Somewhere in this these two things will play together.  We are asked by our bishops to invite an inactive Catholic back to church.  Please read 10 Ways Catholics Can Live the Year of Faith and prayerfully consider adding a few ideas into your week.  

Also, check out Family Resources from the USCCB website. 

---- 5 ----

I have witnessed several miracles/victories this week through my work as a Fertility Care Practitioner.  I adore the work that I do.  There is nothing more rewarding than to see conversion happen in front of you and to be used by God.  I am honored to sit at the desk that is sometimes on the "front lines" and speak truth, challenge hearts and encourage healing.  

If you have ever considered becoming an FCP, please think about taking the next step and starting the education process.   God will provide the finances.  I can not think of a better more beautiful way to fight against the war on women. 

---- 6 ----

While I am grateful I had the opportunity to vote, my election day was spent with medical professions.  Namely, rushing my daughter to a children's hospital ER.  

I don't know how much I can write because this is where the tears come. 

Moments in parenting that bring you to your knees. 

On Sunday my daughter was under the couch looking for a dumb $3 ring that I told her I would not replace. My husband was sitting on the recliner.  He got up and did not realize she was under him.  On Tuesday she woke up and could not move her neck.  We scheduled an appointment with the chiropractor.  She then referred us to the Children's hospital.  X-Rays and the Cat Scan revealed that she suffered a C2 Cervical Subluxation.  

She is to wear an immobilization collar for 1-8 weeks, or longer.  Surgery may be needed to fuse C1 and C2 together.  

She wears the collar 24 hours a day.  It is not to be removed. It can not get wet.   She misses out on recess, her favorite part of the day.  The hardest thing for Rosie is having question after question of "what happened?"  I told her we should think of a silly story.  She came up with "a tiger jumped on me!"  My father suggested her collar should be gussied up with fake jewels.  I think we shall do that this weekend.  

The hardest thing for me is seeing my husband shattered because he felt like he broke his daughter.  On election night we turned off the tv and prayed together with tears.  Not for our country, but for our family.  For healing.  For no guilt.  

My Beautiful Girl

---- 7 ----

I would be grateful for your prayers for Rosie's healing.  Healing that her ligaments pull her C2 back into proper position quickly.  Prayers that no surgery is required and she will be quickly able to get back to normalcy.  Prayers that there is no permanent damage or future difficulty as a result of this accident.  

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,

that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection,

implored your help or sought your intercession,

was left unaided.

Inspired with this confidence,

I fly to you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother;

to you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful.

O Mother of the Word Incarnate,

despise not my petitions,

but in your mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.

my saints

St Kateri, pray for us!

St Michael, pray for us!

St Therese, pray for us!

overcoming anger {day 31} embrace it all

day 31.  what???!!!

I felt like I missed several days as a result of the hurricane and was going to go back and reorganize a bit to give myself a few more posts.  Then I saw the calendar.  Tomorrow is October 31st. The last day of my series dedicated to anger. 

I feel like I should have done more, said more.  But here I am.  At the end.  I am at peace. 

Last night, with the threat of loosing power.  I baked a pie and carved pumpkins with my family.  As my 5 year old sat on my lap I held her had and taught her how to carve the pumpkin.  Today we sat together for two hours and made Minnie Mouse ears for their costumes.  These little moments are the ones I love the most.  They are the ones that help me remember I am a good mom. 

Last week Rosie wanted to watch the movie of St Therese.  She cried at the end.  We talked about death.  Now that she is 5 we are having more life lessons.  I love it.  This is also the time that I am recognizing that she is thriving as a result of all the blood, sweat and tears.  She is an amazing little...princess.  (I type because she is fully convinced she is a princess and I love it!)

I really truly LOVE being a mom.  It is the most amazing and incredible gift I have ever received.  I love raising children.  It is the hardest, craziest, scariest, most insane thing I have ever been a part of...and I would not change anything for the world. 

These little people are making me a better person.  They are my path to heaven.  They are the needy that I serve.  The hungry that I feed.  The poor that I give everything to.

Day 31.  I am an amazing mom.  I do amazing, incredible things every day.  God wants you to know you are an amazing mom.  An amazing woman.  An amazing person. 

As for moving forward, whatever it takes, I will do.  My children are worth more to me than anything else in this world.  This series was for them.  I love you babies.  Please never forget how much I love you!! 

overcoming anger {day 30} therapy

I had a conversation on Friday with a Catholic therapist that was recommended to me by a girlfriend.

He is long distance and he totally speaks my language.  He used words like "Chrisian anthropology" and "true femininity".  I used words like "my goal is to get out of therapy as fast as possible".  It sounds like he is in support of that.  We are going to be having an intake double session via skype soon. 

(posted in advance while we still have power.  it is flickering)

overcoming anger {days 28 & 29} anger is like a hurricane

Behind schedule in posting because we have been busy preparing for Hurricane Sandy.  Early models showed the eye going right over our town.  Now, quite a few hours into the storm, I have no idea where she is...but, the storm has just picked up a bit.  We were expecting the biggest part of her tonight over us.  Thanks for any prayers. 

Our electric is blinking...so this may be my last post for a bit (unless i cell phone it).  

Saturday I attended a training on RAD (reactive attachment disorder).  Catie is most definitely at risk.  But, so far, no signs of not attaching, so that was a big sigh of relief.

I have not had much time to reflect on the topic.  The most I got however, was that anger is like a hurricane.  I am just going to leave it at that. 

Good night!

overcoming anger {day 27} physical discipline

Within about 30 hours I will have: 

Attended a training on Alternatives to Physical Discipline

Spoken for the first time and scheduled my first appointment with a counselor
Attended a training on Reactive Attachment Disorder

(and attended a foster parent family night). 

Busy day & a half! 

Since, as of this writing  I have not attended the RAD workshop, I am going to focus on the first workshop.  

I signed up for this a month ago because I need to complete 12 training hours to keep my foster parent license active.  I was, of course, interested in the topic.  When I found out some foster parents would be required to attend, I was a bit worried.  The session was better than expected.  

It was set up in a bit of a round table format.  Instead of being lectured to, the majority of the session involved learning from one another's experiences.  Instead of the session being conducted by a 22 year old case worker who has never parented, it was conducted by two long-time veteran foster parents with about 50 years of parenting (and a zillion kids) between them. 

The take home lesson for me was abusers are not always bad people.  Most of the time a child abuser is a relatively normal person who snaps under pressure.  This is excluding sexual abuse and relates to instances of severe physical abuse.  

One foster mom discussed two kids she had.  One was burned on the back with an iron.  One was thrown, resulting in numerous skull fractures.  Both situations involved one instance of severe abuse and in both cases the mother lost her child.  Obviously, because of the snap, the women's lives will never ever ever be the same again. 

A little more than a month ago I had reached a breaking point with Catie.  She was screaming for an hour or more, instead of napping.  Obviously, she was not going to stop screaming without me.  I did not want to go in and get her.  As I sat outside her room, my anger was only escalating.  I did not see how this situation was going to end good.  This was my breaking point.  My husband came home, I asked him to come into the room, we cleared the children and had a mini intervention.  I contemplated my future on my current course.  Injured child?  Jail?  Loosing my kids?  I am in CYS world, I know what happens.  

That was the moment that led me to this series.  

In our session today we did an activity where we all started with a balloon.  As the veteran foster mom labelled stressors that we may have faced we added air to our balloons.  As we looked at our full balloons, she challenged us to remember the stressors were not entirely our children.  As she listed some possibilities to take the air out of our balloons (exercise, prayer, doing something for yourself, etc) not many of us lost air.  

Finally, a resource that we all brought home was a little book called "Think Twice: The Medical Effects of Physical Punishment."  

For other parents who struggle with the topic of physical discipline, it may be a book worth buying off Amazon.  

Flipping through the pages it makes my heart sick.  "Abusers are not bad people.  They are normal people that snap under pressure."

overcoming anger {day 26} on grace

Emily said it better
http://www.chattingatthesky.com/2010/10/22/31-days-of-grace-day-22-in-parenting/

overcoming anger {day 25} on adoption

So today I want to share a question purposed by the priest in confession two weeks ago.  When he asked, I recoiled.  I did not want to blog about it because I was embarrassed he would even ask such a thing. 

The question: "Are you angry with God for giving you a child with issues?"  "Do you think that if that child was biological, they would have been perfect?" 

When this was asked, nothing about the statement struck me as truth. 
1. I did not feel angry at God.
2. (recited to myself) "I love all my children and there is no difference between them!"

Rosie, my 5 year old biological daughter, has excelled through her developmental milestones.  She is  the greatest joy and a beautiful, incredible miracle. 

Augie is approaching 3.  Catie is approaching 2.  Both are adopted from foster care.  Augie has speech delays, oral stimulation issues, chiari 1 malformation and possibly something else.  He was clinically diagnosed with Williams Syndrome and we are still trying to figure out if he actually has this genetic condition.  Catie was born drug addicted.  She has struggled with feeding issues, feeding tubes, gross motor development, temperament and now eye issues. 

Augie & Catie both receive early intervention (speech, ot, pt) and have been highly involved with doctors and specialists their entire little lives. 

Am I angry with God for giving me a child with issues?

This is a heavy question.  I love all my children desperately and I do not want to live my life without a single one of them. 

Do I feel the same towards my biological child as I do towards my adopted children?

Heavier question. 

I have spent a good amount of time wrestling with the facts.  I did not get to nurse or co sleep with my adopted children.  As a result we turned to cry it out, because I could not comfort them in the same way I naturally comforted my daughter.  Was there early bonding differences?  Absolutely.  Bonding with a foster child takes time.  It is often an arduous process while you are wondering if you can let your heart go there. 

We have an open relationship with Augie's parents.  I hear from her regularly.  My heart is constantly wrestling with the fact that there is another mother out there.  Another father who loves him.  He is mine.  But not quite entirely. 

I am sure I will be dealing with this with Catie before long. 

God has chosen me to be mama to these two special people.  I am so thankful.  I can not imagine a quiet life without them.  I am SO SO SO grateful Rosie gets to be a big sister.  She is an incredible big sister. 

I can not answer the question, but it challenges my heart. 

Adoption would not exist without sin. 

To some degree or another this is all about dealing with the sucky brokenness of our world.  I wish my children were not broken.  I wish my children were all biologically mine. 

Our God is a God of Redemption.  Out of the ashes we rise.  He has given me an incredible mission.  To redeem my children*.  That is my purpose.

* Theologically....I know it is God that is redeeming them.  But when I look up the definition of redemption, it is beautiful.  I am rescuing them and I am claiming them.  I am giving them to God to do the rest.

~~~~~~~~
miracle alert: Yesterday I was talking about PMS knocking on my door. Today my period arrived. What??? Woah?? This evening I asked my husband, "did you notice my pms?" "No." And I am certain my children did not notice. For me, this is huge!

overcoming anger {day 24} use kind words

Today, in discussing house rules with my kids....we talked about no hitting, no spitting, etc etc.  And then we talked about speaking in kindness.  Well, what good am I unless those rules apply to me too? 

No hitting.

I am doing pretty good.  We are doing pretty good.  Significantly better.  That said, PMS is knocking on my door.  I feel it creeping up.  The anxiety building.  But, yesterday I had the same stressful situation happen and the outcome was different.  Something is happening.  Change is happening in me. 

The change I still need to make is to use kind words.  The threats are still there.  "Do you need a spanking?"  "Do you need me to spanka ya hiney?"  No matter how cute the delivery or the response "no!  no spanka my hiney!" the threat is still there.  The anger is still looming.  "I just want to tape her mouth shut!" I said after a full day of being followed by a one year chanting "Dink?"  "dink!"  "apple juice!" 

Parenthood is challenging. 

It is the thing that breaks you. 

I am broken.  But I am blessed. 

Faith is carrying me over these painful rocks.  Jesus created me to be good.  To love well.  He burned this desire into my heart from the earliest age.  I see my own 5 year old daughter and imagine it is like listening to what I must have been like.   She is constantly talking about having a baby in her belly.  I wanted to be a mama as long as I can remember. 

These are his children. 

All of them. 

I need to stop seeing them as mine and look at them as His.  If Jesus was sitting in the room with me, what kind of parent would I be?  Well...He is sitting in the room with me.  He is here.

This is the Year of Faith.  I am planning a retreat for Advent for women and the topic will be on "Bringing the Year of Faith Home". 

Jesus.  Let me start by bringing you home.  Back into my home.  Please help me see my precious children through your eyes.  To love them with your love.  Jesus, I trust in you!

overcoming anger {day 23} take courage

                                  love, God

overcoming anger {day 22} what supernanny taught me

Start with super duper overwhelmed stay at home mom - check
add three little kids - check
add tantrums - check
add poorly executed discipline - check
insert feeding issues, gagging, etc - check
insert stressed out dad - check
mom who is left feeling purposeless - check

I choose the episode because it fairly accurately mirrored our current life situation. 

Lessons that I learned from this episode:
1. Start with a schedule.  We have utilized this several times in the past.  It is time to give it a go again.  The schedule can help realize blocks of time that are otherwise wasted by running around being overwhelmed.  It can also be an important tool to keep the family running.  If your son misses his nap, so be it!  Don't turn into the "you-must-take-a-nap-nazi" (guilty) and ruin the rest of the day for a nap that may never happen.

2. Poorly executed discipline does not count for discipline.  Consistency in following the steps properly is key.  I needed the review.
step 1 - at child's eye level give a warning in a firm voice
step 2 - take the child to the naughty spot and explain (to their face) why you are putting them there
step 3 - walk away - 1 min of time out per year
step 4 - return and explain (to their face) why they were in time out
step 5 - child apologizes, hugs and kisses

3. Feeding issues has become a big deal for us lately.  I needed to watch Jo's technique in this clip.  We actually got Augie to swallow a large mouth full of pocketed food tonight...a near impossible accomplishment.  Eat or time out.  Poor parenting at the dinner table can lead to impossibly picky eaters. We need to nip this one in the bud!

4. Dad time.  I loved the "brother's box" idea in this episode.  When dad comes home, he sits down with the kids and they choose an activity from the box.  It gives everyone much needed together time (or for mom's part, separation time).  I think we are definitely going to have to do this.  We, the women, tend to be the creative thinkers.  It is helpful to have a routine that involves dad playing with the kids. 

5.  Mom without purpose.  No matter how many inspiring quotes I read...
A mother is the most important person on earth. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any Cathedral -- a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby's body. -- Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty
...I still feel drained, under appreciated and without significant purpose. 

I am still connected to somethings I feel very passionate about.  Mainly, right now, my work as a Fertility Care Practitioner and NFP promoter.  I am grateful for a husband who is supportive in this endeavor.  My appointments and the work I do in the Diocese recharge my passions.  I am so grateful for this. 

The second take on this is mom without "me" time.  Exercise.  It is coming, I promise.  I may not actually blog about this until day 31, but exercise is wonderful me time (that I need to take significantly more than I do). 

Supernanny has been on my heart and in the back of my mind for years.  So thanks blog world for being my road back home. 

overcoming anger {day 21} watch supernanny

If you are like me....
You have been telling yourself you need to watch Supernanny again.

Day 21.  Watch an episode of Supernanny.  Go to Youtube and watch more as needed.

It will
1. Help you realize you are doing okay
2. Inspire you to do better

overcoming anger {day 20} lower your expectations

I have been convicted before.  So often the root problem in parenting is not the behavior of the children, it is the expectation of the parents.

I remember when Rosie was two.  We were having sleep issues.  I happened to be attending a conference where Dr Popcak was speaking.  I don't recall how I ended up in a mini-session with him...therapists must be good at that....but he ended up challenging my expectations.  He encouraged me to think beyond the surface to understand her behaviors. Those 3 minutes were so important.

Suddenly that huge issue was not so huge.  When I understood the behavior was related to an insecurity and I could help her through the insecurity, the behavior began to change.

In the last year I have been telling many I am "surviving" parenthood.  Once upon a time I read parenting books.  With three little ones, I just do.  I just "survive."  When I started this series this idea of expectations came to mind.  In confession, the priest challenged me again about my expectations.

Much of my parenting anger could potentially be resolved by expecting, anticipating or understanding "bad" behavior of my 1 and 2 year olds.

How to go about this is the challenge.

I just downloaded the app for Ave Maria radio and will try to start podcasting.  Dr Popcak and his wife start at 12pm EST.  Dr Ray Guarendi and Colleen Mast discuss parenting topics at 1pm EST.  I am hoping to try to catch a couple of these a week...or even one a week as a personal parenting challenge.

I am praying to find the right resource to connect with.  The right book?  The right author?  The right podcast?  The right anything.

Dave Ramsey has helped my husband and I tremendously in our financial life.  Hopefully someone will click with us as parents.

overcoming anger {day 19} quick takes edition

1.  This is a month filled with grace (retreat, anniversary trip, among other things).  But don't let me fool you. This issue has not magically resolved for me.  I need to be reading and re-reading my own posts and hold my self to to challenges I am setting forth.

2. In the "among other things" category listed above, there is a training next week for Alternatives to Physical Discipline.  I signed up primarily because I need training hours and secondarily because of the topic.  I did not know I would be in the middle of this series when I signed up.  I will be sitting among foster parents who are required to attend because they have used physical discipline on a foster child.  Humbling myself, yet again, to be attending this training among those who have been "called out."

Now on the the fun.  Dedicating the rest of my quick takes to NY Wine Country, aka the Finger Lakes.

“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.” 

G.K. Chesterton, Heretics 

Canandaigua

3. We started on Canandaigua.  Our bed and breakfast was beyond fabulous.  This was the first time we had ever B&B'd and the Inn on the Main set the bar very high!

our private sitting room

Some to-die-for french toast dish.  The woman next to me
kept chanting it would be so rude not to eat it. 

 4. For our anniversary dinner I surprised Paul with a 2 1/2 hour cooking class at the New York Wine and Culinary Center.  So. Much. Fun!  He said it took him about 30 minutes to get over the fact he had to cook his own fancy food - but confessed how much he enjoyed it.  Walking in and out of class to refil wine as needed was an extra plus.  Take away lesson from our class "Hot Pan, Cold Oil".  Also, it set us off on our wine trail search with the added mission of finding great cheese.  The cheddar we used in our potato dish was so so good!

5. The wine trails were so much fun.  We started with the recommendations of friends.  By the end of day 1 we almost had two cases!!  Bully Hill for lunch is a must-do.  Our favorite wines by far were Dr Frank.  Pity they don't sell to our state.  We may just have to make this a regular trip.  ;-)

6. Mid October was the perfect time of year to get married!  How gorgeous was this!?

Roadside grapes...yes please!

 7. We finished our trip with a little detour to a Hobby Lobby where I picked up this adorable pumpkin and the letters for a cute project I found online.  Then we pressed hard on the gas to get home to our family.

The Lettered Cottage

overcoming anger {day 18} share your light

There is little that brings me more joy than sharing the faith. 

Today I had the opportunity to do this twice.  Holy boldness. 

We are so afraid of others.  We are so afraid of offending.  We are so afraid of what would happen if we shared our faith.  I am often that person who is afraid.

Today, I was unafraid. 

When God puts something on your heart - go for it!  Jump and don't look back. 

“Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair.”
― G.K. Chesterton

overcoming anger {day 17} sometimes you need to step away

home.  home feels great.  i have been writing my posts several days at a time to keep up with being away (3 trips in the last 10 days).  i am finally home. 

The kids had a fantastic time with their grandparents.  Momma & Papa had a fantastic time with each other.  Pictures of the gorgeousness of the finger lakes to follow. 

For now, one thought. 

Stepping away from the challenges (even for a few hours) helps tremendously to recognize the blessings.  I adore my babies.  Coming home it was a couple of hours of hugs before the stress of mommy hood descended again.  But, thanks be to God, I can look again at each of my children and enjoy them.  I love them for who they are and how the gift of each one has added so much to my life. 

overcoming anger {day 16} dealing with it

Last week was complete chaos.  We drove our family through the night twice.  On the way home I had precious conversation with my husband in the still and quiet of the middle of the night.  Somewhere around 3.30am and somewhere in the middle of PA, I had a couple of realizations with the help of my husband.

I am still processing all of this. 

The idea of therapy scares the poop out of me.  I feel above this.  For so many reasons I have wanted to avoid this my whole life. 

If it will help me be a better mom...then I will do it.  I must do it. 

My hope is it will be for a brief time in my life.  With an end goal.  To help me understand the source of my anger.  Is it nature?  Is it nurture?  Are these issues related to infertility?  Adoption?  Something else?

I feel I have spiritually dealt with issues of my past.  The last two years have been huge for forgivenss and undstanding.*  Now it is time to talk it through and look at it from a different prespective.  I am thankful for friends who have humbly shared their journeys with me and who have given me the courage to move foward. 

* Two specific things for me:
1. The Unbound Freedom in Christ conference with Neal Lozano.  I so highly recommend Neal, his book and this conference.
2. Padre Pio.  His intercession has been huge in helping me see things with clarity in my life.  I have no specific recommendations, but whatever you can read, do, pray to initiate a relationship with this amazing confessor and reader of souls can only benefit you.

overcoming anger {day 15} peace

On the same day I purchased this t-shirt from my retreat, my girlfriend posted this quote on my blog.  I think God wanted these words shared.

What can Mother Teresa teach us about peace?  Plenty.  What can she teach a mother?  Everything.

"One woman powerfully in love with God changes everything around her."

The retreat director preached about Mother's teaching to her superiors.  Here are a couple of key points from his talk.
- We are first called to be present (to our children) rather than to do work.
- We are to create a house of love, joy and peace, regardless of who is in our home.
- Am I motherly?  Do I bring hope?
- We need to teach our children obedience, trust, self denial and fidelity.  True obedience makes us martyrs.
- To be obedient, we must have a deep spiritual life. 
- Temptation steals your obedience - this quote directly inspired me to keep all glowing screens in a designated area in our home. 
- The Eucharist is our obedience pill.

Peace.  We need to bring peace to our house, not chaos.  We need to show love, not anger.   We are an invaluable, un-replacable part of God's plan for our children. 

When I talk about peace, I think I have to take myself out of the equation for my family to achieve this. This is the greatest lie of the Devil.  He wants us to beleive we are the problem.  God NEEDS us to know we are the answer.  We are so so so so so needed.  We can bring peace.  God, help us bring peace to our family. 

overcoming anger {day 14} rescue

Please be lifted up by the song that has been lifting me up since my retreat last weekend.  Let us worship (and believe) together.

overcoming anger {day 13} thank you

Thank you for all those walking this journey with me.  Thank you for all the women in real life and online who have offered support.  Thank you for understanding the challenge of being a mom to little people.  I am honored, inspired, humbled and grateful for the blessings of you.  For each comment.  For each prayer.  For everything.

I am uniting my prayers with your intentions for being better women.  Better mothers.  Better daughters.  Better wives.  Better whatever.  Two weeks down.  Two and a half to go.

~~~~~~~~

Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created. And You shall renew the face of the earth.

O, God, who by the light of the Holy Spirit, did instruct the hearts of the faithful, grant that by the same Holy Spirit we may be truly wise and ever enjoy His consolations, Through Christ Our Lord, Amen.

overcoming anger {day 12} rejoice in the wonderful

Today is my 10th Anniversary. 

 
 When I think about my husband, I cry.  What a treasure and gift he is to me.   As a single person I often contemplated what type of person it would take to bear me.  I wondered if such a person existed.  I could not imagine God picking a more perfect spouse for me.  He is the one I prayed for.  He is the one I waited for.

In the midst of parenting, I don't often get to look at my husband.  We are moving so fast...so busy meeting the needs of our demanding little birds.  We are running past each other.  Tagging hands as we pass off the kids and try to make it to the next thing on our respective calendars. 

This weekend we are going away.  Four nights of just us.  My parents are here in their super hero capes to bless my kids with grand-parenting.  They are blessing us with respite.  At such a much needed point in our life.  In our marriage.

My husband is my inspiration to be a better person.  His are the hands I imagine in mine as we grow wrinkly together.  His are the eyes I look to for understanding.  His are the arms I need for support. 

Today, I rejoice in the wonderful.  My wonderful.  My husband.

I love you and thank you for not only bearing me, but loving me and treasuring me.  Thank you for helping me to see my goodness.  Thank you for calling me to be better and love stronger.  I don't want to be in this with anyone else.  XOXOX

overcoming anger {day 11} rid your house of floating screens

Since the addition of a tablet and and smart phone, adding to the laptop and a PC in our house, every room has turned into an internet/tv room.

Two years ago I cast our tv to the downstairs.  It has been a wonderful change.  I did not like the temptation and accessibility.  The move has been a good one.  Our lower level is our family room/play room.  Our upper level is our main living area. 

But, with the invasion of more and more internet ready devices, that temptation has returned, but in the form of internet, rather than television. 

On retreat, when asking God for direction for our family, the one prompting I got was to cast these devices to our lower level as well.  With the support of my husband, we will try to keep all laptops, tablets, etc downstairs in the designated "glowing screens" section of our house.  I feel it is especially important to eliminate these from our bedroom.  I never wanted tv in our bedroom...and virtually every night bed+netflix was calling to me or hubby.  Often we were falling asleep after several hours online, apart from one another. 

Really...my house was a place of selfishness.  I wanted to have my time in the morning for coffee and internet.  Often that time would stretch into two hours.  When my children were seeking food, drink or their mama...it would become a source of frustration.

It is going to be a week before our life and schedule get back to normal.  I am looking foward to this change to bring more moments of peace to our home.

overcoming anger {day 10} working through the challenges

Here I am, far from home, after driving through the night and caring for three very unruly little people through 4 hours of a 6 hour wake.

My husband's grandfather passed away.  We drove 12 hours to stay one night before we turn around and drive home.  Needless to say I did not adhere to my bedtime rule.  I am working off of maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep.  The kids only a bit more.  Overall, it is not pretty.

Tonight, I spanked.

This reinforces the seriousness of my bed time.  This also reinforces the need to negotiate parenting through times when sleep is deprived.  I am doing bedtime on my own while my husband is at the wake.  My patience is zilch.  My husband confessed the same. 

How does one handle this situation? 

We are still learning our way through this whole thing too.  I don't have the answer yet.  But sleep is SUPER important.

overcoming anger {day 9} no superficial blogging here

I found out about this idea of a 31 days series from Chatting at the Sky.  The idea originated from a blogger called The Nester.  There are over 1200 bloggers participating.  As I scroll through the LARGE list of blogs, I see few that could be categorized under "31 days of change" Nestergirl asks "which one will change you?"

Well, not 31 days of jokes or 31 days of fun.  Not 31 days of halloween or 31 days of pinterest.

This gives me a big idea of the state of the blogging world.  So very often it so very superficial.  I do love a good decorating blog.  Or a blog with lovely photographs.  I used to follow more of the blogs with creative ideas for kids.  Once upon a time, I was linked up to some good homeschool blogs.  There are some really great blogs under all of these topics.  The problem for many is that they only show the pretty.

My fear over doing this topic was 31 days of focusing on the ugly.  Who wants to read about that?  God was calling me to be real.  Very real.  Very transparent.

Is a blog a place to bare your soul?  For many people, yes.  I started our blog when we started our adoption journey.  A girlfriend introduced me to a community of infertility bloggers.  These women most certainly bare their souls.  They share their struggles.  The blog world creates an opportunity for community.

The problem for me?  This blog has been shared far and wide with people I know in real life.  

My adoption journey blog became my baby blog and then my foster parent blog and now my parenting blog.      "This" blog, is my most real.  I am happy to be real.  I have never been a fan of masks.  My real blog solicits many real phone calls from real family members.  Perhaps a good thing?  Certainly I am so much more transparent to my mother than her mother was to her.

God has called me to be very real.  He led me to set up this blog 6 years ago for a reason.  I have the followers I have for a reason.  Am I sharing more of myself than I would like.  Yes.  But this is not about me.  This is about Him.  This is about His miracles, His healing..and what He is capable of doing.

overcoming anger {day 8} DO NOT dismiss it

Holy Confession!  I feel like I was hit over the head with a big clue by four.  I am back from retreat and with a little wisdom to pass on.

Anger is a BIG issue.  Don't dismiss it!  Humble yourself.  Put on your big girl pants and deal with it...professionally.

Do not underestimate the seriousness of anger.

In attempting to deal with this for several months on my own, and through several confessions...I finally have marching orders.  Confession is not the end.  A healing service is not the answer.  These were both spring boards for the work that I must do.  Freedom must be fought for on a daily basis.  I was given some serious thoughts to contemplate, specifically on my own anger issues, and related to infertility and adoption.  I will consider sharing these in a future reflection.  But essentially, seek to find the source of the anger and use whatever resources available in this search.

overcoming anger {day 7} you are not alone

The Sabath.  Sunday.  A day of rest.  On the seventh day, He rested.  We should rest.  We should worship.  I am not in this alone.  I can not do this alone.  Alone, I would most certainly be declared an incompetent parent.  I am not alone.

He is fighting for me. 

I type this before I have fully embraced this reality. 

I feel alone in this struggle.  How many prayers have I prayed and yet, the grace that should be enough, just isn't.  Or it feels like it is not.  He is fighting for me.  Dear Lord, please help me know this, believe this, trust this.  Amen.

overcoming anger {day 6} let it go

Let it go!  My preferred method of letting it go is the sacrament of confession.  Not sure what Budha would think of that, but these words he offered are so true.  Anger, unforgiveness...they are only harming the one holding on to them. 

 

So far, not quite one week into this exercise, I am feeling the fruits of my challenges.  The bed time is huge!  I am still feeling the anger.  I am still having moments of extreme frustration.  I am still yelling.  I have still spanked.  But, progress is happening in my soul. 

 

As you read this, I will be on retreat.  A silent, women's retreat.  I have not been on a retreat for me in over 12 years.  God will surely be speaking.  I can't wait to listen.  I am craving the silence and the time with Him.  I am craving a holy confession with a spiritual priest.  I am estatic about the idea of being in my Father's arms and remembering how I am loved and cherished.  Remembering I am good. 

 

Pray for me.  I will pray for you!

overcoming anger {day 5} find joy in your day

A few months back I picked up a copy of "The Love Dare".   I flipped through and decided to try day one.  You can read the 40 days of dares without buying the book here. 

Day 1 was to resolve to say nothing negative to your spouse. 

My husband did not know what I was doing but was pleasantly surprised to hear a postivive feedback, rather than the usualy negative comments he so often hears. 

I mentioned this to another woman who said what a blessing this would be for her husband.  She mentions that usually when he walks into the door at the end of the day he is baraged with reports of all the negatives that happened that day.  I do the same thing.  Think of how different it would be to greet your spouse and share the joys. 

{day 5} Enjoy the the little moments. Find a moment to rejoice in and share that with your spouse. 

overcoming anger {day 4} know your enemy

The Holy Spirit has arrived!

Did I tell you my brother in law is a priest?  He is.  And a damn good one!  :)  He has my back and tonight he shared a link that I HAVE TO share, because it is so SO powerfully IT!

Know your enemy!!  Obvious Right?  Satan.  The devil.  He is the one who wants to destroy my family.  My marriage   My children.  Me.

I saw this posted on FB the other day.  I did not click on it.  IF YOU READ ANYTHING FROM MY SERIES (at least thus far, lol) READ THIS LINK!

How to Kick Satan out of Your Home: Fight for it Mama!

"The discontent happens slowly, while you think yourself quite fine, and then one day you realize you do not recognize the bitter, screeching, heathenistic mess, obsessed with stupid nonsense, that you have become. My number one clue that I have succumbed to the temptation of demons trying to harm my family is when I hear my own hurtful sarcasm, and my prayers sound like this: “Dear God, do you see how they are? Look at them! How am I supposed to bear these people?”

This is hitting the big fat devil on the head.  Yes!  Thank you Stacy!  

overcoming anger {day 3} know your weak times

It seems I have my family worried. These posts are not because I feel like a failure. They are because I know I can do better. It is okay to be angry. It is not okay to show extreme angry to my children. Or spank angry.

As a woman I fully embrace the hormonal mess that I can be. Knowing my weak times - all of them - is helpful. I know on a daily basis around 3 or 4pm things can go bad fast. And the end of my cycle things get worse.

I have not found the best way to navigate the weak times; but I fully believe awareness is especially important. My husband knows these weak times and prepares to be extra forgiving during PMS.

I am hoping God fills in some of the blanks through the month, especially surviving in weakness.

...stay tuned.

overcoming anger {day 2} - find support

"Woe to you, Jerusalem! How long will it be before you are clean?" Jeremiah 13:27

This was the scripture that came to me in prayer last Monday night.  You thought I might be joking about the state of my soul?   

Awhile back I found a blog that spoke to me about the isolation of motherhood, especially the difference of being a stay at home mom 50 years ago versus being a stay at home mom today.  Our world does not support the at home mom as it did in generations past.  One of the challenges issued was to seek community. 

On the inspiration of that blog, I joined a Thursday morning mom's prayer group.  It has been a blessing a source of accountability in my life.  I have cried before these women more than once about the issue of anger in my motherhood.    

How long will it be before I am clean?  My husband helps tremendously.  I swatted a bum (of a child whose face was licking bugs off our screen door).  Immediately I pulled my hand back.  Mr B&B was on the other side of the door.  He knew too.  We are in this together.  No more spanking!  

{day 1: set a bed time}
{day 2: find support}