the isolation of motherhood

I am a baby mama.  That was the label given to me recently after I poured out my heart to a beautiful group of mothers.  God willing I will meet with some of these women on a regular basis and god willing it will not be all about me.  They empathized with my position, reminiscing about just how difficult it is to parent little people.  They of course kept things real by telling me "little kids = little problems, big kids = big problems".  Ultimately, just sharing was hugely helpful.

I joined this group after reading half way through Suburban CEO an old website from my favorite blogger.  It is far time I return to the site and continue reading.

The idea of feeling fulfilled by motherhood is so so far away from me right now.  I read other mom blogs and the beautiful crafts, the beautiful pictures...the beautiful life of motherhood - just seem so far off.  Treading water and trying not to drown more adequately describes life. 

I could make a list of all the crazy things that my kids do for empathy or humor.  With Rosie approaching the age of five I am seeing the impact of every little thing I do upon her formation.  Let's just say that when I sin, that sin is multiplied.

Most days are rough.  Today was especially rough.  At the end of the day I called my husband at work and cried.  Then I hugged my daughter and asked if I am a good mom.  Not the answer I wanted.  :-/

I know in my heart there is good in my motherhood.  I have been called to the vocation of marriage and the desire for children was imprinted on my being.  I prayed and begged God for motherhood for 5 years before I was so blessed with the gift.  Now that gift sits on my chest like a massive weight, taking every ounce of my being.  I am being poured out and emptied beyond where I ever thought possible.

If it was just me an my motherhood, I would not survive.  I am fighting with everything inside of me.  Fighting to stay connected.  Fighting to stay accountable.  Fighting to let the good of my motherhood declare victory over the bad.  And most importantly, surrendering to God.

adoption loss, please pray for my friends

My dear friend Alison has spent the last months preparing her heart, her family and her home to adopt a beautiful little girl diagnosed with Spina Bifida in an adoption story that God perfectly orchestrated. 

They spent the past week welcoming Seraphia Caritas and being by her side through surgery, recovery.  They brought her home, introduced her to the boys. 

And then, the birth mother changed her mind. 

My heart is breaking for them. 

Please keep the O family in your prayers.