joy

Little Miss Sunshine, aka Baby Joy is ONE!  Every day I am grateful that God has chosen me to be her mama.  And every night I am grateful he has chosen my husband to be her Papa :-).  Time for some detachment parenting over here!

I have sat at my desk one hundred times in the last eight months...but with never enough of myself to give to you.  Today, I don't have much, but a few lovely pictures to add.

I am homeschooling a first grader (miracle).  Juggling ten thousand doctors visits for my middle two (with a new ADHD diagnosis in the mix).  Round trips to the pre-school.  Weekly therapy appointments.  Weekly homeschool co-op. And I am more than just treading water, thanks be to Him.

Until next time.

The JOY of the Gospel

If you are in need of lenten reading, consider joining me in reading Evangelii Gaudium...the Joy of the Gospel by Pope Francis.  This one has my name all over it!

giving love

I had a few moments of solitude this afternoon while driving for an errand.  I was contemplating how little I feel right now.  I am pouring all of myself into my children and I have hardly any time to consider my own needs.  I try to make time for prayer...it happens a few times a week.  I stuff food in my face every so often, like a thief having to hide from my preschool beggars.  Hair, make up?  Forget it.  Showers are my sacred time and offer another 10 minutes of stolen solitude.  

precious little moments

Do I need more me time? Sure.  Do I need more date nights?  Yes.  

I have been warned, probably by my father, not to give up too much of myself that I don't know who I am without my children.  I get the gist of this idea.  But we also have a God who wants us to be emptied for love of Him.  He also wants us to find our identity in Him - and I am still working on this.  

I am so grateful to be in a place where I feel all this pouring out it for the good of my soul.  I have been loving my children.  I have been connecting with them.  Sharing special little moments here and there.  Thank you Jesus for taking over my life and guiding me, leading me, one day at a time, closer to your heart.  Thank you for helping me love better, give better, serve better.  

my little man

(planned this for yesterday...and then...there was a problem with my battery...and then....)

What a difference a year has made for my little man...and our ability to survive one another.  I am not even quite sure how to explain this one.  The most lovable, kindest, sweetest kid one minute (especially to everyone else) and then the most challenging, not listening, make you bang your head against a wall kind of kid the next (especially to those he loves most).

so proud to have his white belt

(Blog interrupted to scream after I corrected him for the 1,000,000th time for breaking a toy that does not belong to him by throwing him across the room, an action for which he is corrected 100 times a day)

When I started this blog, yesterday, I had warm glowing things to say.  But now.... This is how my life goes with this one.  

This one.  The one to whom I began yelling.  The one to whom I began spanking.  The one who has overcome every baby proof item known to man.  The one who has been saved by his guardian angel from near death 3 times.  That smile.  That smile keeps this child's heart beating.  

This one, now 4, displays his every little emotion out loud.  And then, he hugs me with his strong little arms and tells me he loves me.  

He is excelling in the preschool environment right now.  His teachers ADORE him.  Even when I drop him off with a big fat question mark of (not) knowing what kind of child I am leaving with them...they adore him.  He is thriving in a very structured environment.   

I am grateful that God has given me this boy to experience raising an XY.  He truly makes life more adventurous...and I will just leave it at that, for now. 

7 Days of Blogging - nursing immunity

I have been riding the baby train...with baby brain...but missing putting thoughts on "paper".

I am going to TRY to join with Jen this week and do 7 posts in 7 days.

Today, I have a pile of bills to sort through so I will be very brief.  Quick intro for anyone new to me.  I have four children, in 6 years, after 5 years of infertility.  #1 bio, #2 & #3 adopted from foster care, #4 bio.  (about us)

Stock via

With my first child, I was convinced of nursing immunity.  I was a stay at home mom and she was never sick.  I was sure breastfeeding protected my child from everything.  #2 and #3 were frequently sick as infants.  Now...with #4, "breastfeeding immunity" is not as huge as I thought.  "Joy" is currently recovering from a cold with bronchiolitis, plus double ear infection.  She hates the antibiotics and it is a trial twice a day to get 5ml of the pink stuff into her little resistant, rasberry spitting, tounge pushing mouth.  Baby Joy is not only here to bring me Joy, but also to teach me that bio does not mean better.  More on these thoughts as the week progresses.

love comes softly

I rarely sit at the computer any more.  The idea of blogging one finger at a time is not as appeling.  When I do sit at the computer, my brain is emptied of any thoughts worthy of a blog post.  Oh, blessed baby brain!

Last week my oldest said something that broke my heart & awakened something deep within.  She commented that her adoptive siblings were not her "real" siblings.  Woooah man.  In retrospect, it was a natural thought process that developed within her.  We have been talking about belly moms & birth siblings.  She did not say it with malice,  merely in conversation.  It sent me into a tailspin of explanations: "we are all adopted by God", "adoption is real family", "we may not share blood but....".  And ultimately, "Rosie, I would give up my life just as fast for them as I would for you."  They are my real children.

I have been seeing Catie with fresh eyes. She is my petitite bebe.  While my others are fierce & loud, Catie is quiet & shy.  She is afraid of most things.  She clings to us when she is shy or scared.  More and more she wants to snuggle.  Always she wants to hold the baby.   

For me...adoption love takes time.  When they are your fosters, they are not yours.  Adoption did not flip the switch for me (with either). The last two years have been hard for us...toddler years are never easy.  Finding my love, digging it out, unearthing & living it is a blessed thing.  With everything inside of me, I wished that love came quicker.  For her sake, most especially.  

I pray PRAY that God's grace covers what was & is lacking in me as her mother.  I pray that God continues to mold me into the mama she so desperately needs & deserves.  Catie, my beautiful girl, I am & will always be your real mama.  You have my whole heart.

(((And as far as my oldest is concerned...we are trying to find the best resources to handle these scenarios.  We have a handful of books - but need more training/info/ideas on bridging the gap.  Happy for any suggestions on processing adoption with kids as they start to understand adoption.)))

5 Favorites - Best Gifts for Young Kids

Trying to keep it simple for my one blog post a month.  Here you go!  ;-)

In three weeks Augie turns 4.  One week later Catie turns 3.  Two kids birthdays and a week later...Christmas.  I have been filling up the wish list with some ideas for our families.  Today I stumbled upon this list, Top Ten Toys for the Active Child and it inspired me to create my own list.  Run down, I have one 6 year old princess, one 4 year old very active warrior, one 3 year old shy girl who still needs help with learning simple concepts...and a newborn (who is set for life)!

So, without further ado...my best gift ideas based on our favorites.

1. Peaceable Kingdom Cooperative Games
A few years back I stumbled upon this game on clearance at Barnes and Nobles.  It has been a favorite to play with the kids since then.  It was my first encounter with a "cooperative game".  When we have guests over they are still convinced they need to be the winner.  It takes some explaining to help them understand the concept is to work together to achieve the common goal.

We have also acquired Fish Sticks.  It is designed for 5 + year olds so we haven't played it with Augie & Catie with any success.  

I bought Feed the Woozle for my nephew's 4th birthday.  I heard from my brother that it was a hit.  

The Peaceable Kingdom website has lots of games along with video previews.  

2. ART SUPPLIES

We go through art supplies like crazy!  Crayons are frequently in short supply around here.  After 5 years of crayons in my home, I have finally decided Twistables are my favorite by far.  I have children that think breaking crayons is fun.  Otherwise they are unwrapping and leaving shreds of teeny crayon paper everywhere.  Note: leaving a pack of Twistables with a a two year old may result in twisted out crayons...but they are easy to fix!  

For the record after this unfortunate but epic episode a few years ago, I try to steer clear of markers and art supplies are restricted to public places. 

3. Learning Toys

Learning Resources is another favorite brand.  We have used many of these during therapy sessions.  I was recently gifted with Alphabet Soup Sorters. 

Lauri Toys Peg Sets are another that we love.  

The thing about these is you probably want to keep them stacked out of reach with the board games and bring them down for when you are playing with the kids.  Our Alphabet Soup & Pegs only come out with supervision.  And yet...I am still endlessly cleaning up pegs around the house.  They become swords (Augie) or Cakes & Candles (Rosie).  I find my kids prefer playing with the pegs to playing with Duplo blocks. 

4.  Books

We read every night and love when new books arrive on the scene.  Let me take this opportunity to plug a friend.  Anthony Destefano has become quite the author since I worked with him back in the day.  We LOVE his books.  Little Star is a perfect Christmas gift!  But I have to say I love all his children's books.  And that is not just spoken with bias.  

Dr Seuss is perfect for this age...and another favorite is Margaret Wise Brown.  If you do not yet have "The Moon Shines Down" it is a must have for your library.  

For my new reader we love Bob Books.  If you do not yet own these...please invest!!  

My favorite chapter books to read with Rosie are Laura Ingalls Wilder and Nancy Drew.  Note to the family, we do not own any of these!  ;-) I didn't learn until recently that quality chapter books for young kids are hard to find!  There are many many bratty characters or not-so-catholic themes (fairy's, magic, etc) to be weary of in early chapter books.  

5.  The gift of time, the gift of a sport (of $ towards it), the gift of an amusement pass, etc.  

My mom's growing up friend talked about taking her nieces out for whole day dates as a birthday gift.  I would love this for my kids!  A great godparent gift idea!  Also, we have some kid oriented amusement parks near by and that always seems to be a bit extravagant for the budget.  But, anything along these lines...a gift card for a special outing with mom, etc....we love these creative gifts!  

Have to wrap up to attend to other things...hopefully this will inspire some wish lists or givers.  

a birth story

I was due on September 23rd.  The midwife that delivered Rosie told us she would be on call the night of 9/22.  It sounded like a perfect time to have a baby.

Friday September 20th, I went to my cousin's football game with my mom & Rosie.  I came home and that evening started to feel contractions.  They never got stronger than 30 seconds and a minute apart and died down before the end of an hour.

Saturday, went with the family to the Padre Pio Shrine...no signs of labor.  The weekend ended and my due date (Monday) passed...and I waited.

I experienced contractions off and on through the week.  I had several sessions of timing contractions.  One night I almost woke up my husband.  I did lots of googling "are these real contractions?".  I considered calling the midwives to let them know I was in pre-labor....but everything that came, disappeared. I grew more disappointed and frustrated.

I tried many natural labor induction techniques.  I drank lots of red raspberry leaf tea and took Evening Primrose Oil tablets, a long walk...and other things.  On Thursday I finally worked up the courage to try Castor Oil.  1 tablespoon here and there, with the okay of the midwife.

Friday September 27th I went to the chiropractor and requested the "Webster" technique.  Though my baby was not breech, a doula friend recommended the treatment.  More contractions that night.  Stronger, but not more than 30 seconds and 3 minutes.

Saturday September 28th - some where in the very early morning I lost my mucus plug - Hallelujah!  I was super excited about that.  Morning contractions, some strong, but nothing terribly regular.  My husband and I made plans to go to the movies to distract ourselves. Around 1pm the contractions started to seem a bit more regular, I decided to call the midwife on the way into our 1:30pm movie to give her a heads up.  I timed them throughout the whole movie on a contraction app.  On the way out of the movie they were starting to get a bit more intense, but not over powering.  When we arrived home hubs informed my mom I was in labor and I retreated to the bedroom to rest,  sit on the birth ball and listen to a hypno babies session.  Just before 7pm I went to the bathroom during a strong/long contraction.  As I was sitting on the toilet my water broke with a "pop".  I had more bloody show.  The water was cloudy.  I texted my doula friend about when to go to the birth center.  Her response was when I loose my smile and can't stand to be around my children any longer.  That happened pretty quickly.  I told hubs to call the midwife.

at the birth center

The midwife on call was at a hospital birth.  She called her back up to meet us at the birth center.  We arrived about the same time she did, shortly after 7:30pm.  At this point contractions were regularly 1 minute long and 2 minutes apart.  We went in and she checked....6cm.

Incidently, this is the same room where Rosie was born.  With her, we arrived at 4cm at 10pm and delivered at 2am.  I don't recall how long transition lasted, but it was painful and I was in a little tub. 

This time, we planned a water birth.  As the midwife set up the tub, I labored with hubs.  I remember having an overall less intense laboring experience with Rosie.  This time it seemed more painful for longer.  When the midwife realized I was GBS+ (she misunderstood me the first time she asked)...she got me prepped for an antibiotic IV.  First attempt, in the wrist...fail....fluid accumulating in my wrist.  As this is going on, I am sitting on the bed having very painful contractions and not paying attention...this part of the account was from my husband.  Second attempt, she got the IV in my arm, but did not get the connection properly hooked up, she dropped something and blood was quickly draining onto the floor.  She fumbled to get a new connection piece and dropped that as well.  Finally, she got the connection in order and she and my husband massaged the bag to get the IV in me as quickly as possible.  I stepped over the large blood puddle and climbed into the tub.

At this point we set up the camera to attempt to video the birth.  I was chanting "help me Jesus, help me God."  And I remember a string of curses of the S variety.  The video clips hubs took of me laboring at this point were not pretty.  I am not sure when transition began, but I was in PAIN.   Around this time the midwife on call returned to relieve the back up.  The nurse arrived as well.  I was sitting in the tub, leaning forward on my knees, with our fan blowing on my face.  The midwife checked me and told me I was 9.5cm dilated and if I wanted to start to push through contractions I could.  I was still cursing through the contractions.  (((Please note here, I was not actually using hypnobabies...I never got into the program, but would definitely try to embrace the program should we do this again)))

The midwife checked me again.  Bad news.  She told me I was 8cm, not 9.5 as she previously thought.  This killed me.  There was lots of "I can't, I can't".  I asked the nurse about something to take the edge off the pain.  The midwife explained that if she would do that I would have to get out of the tub as sleepy babies can't be delivered underwater.  I liked the tub.  More pain and my first ever involuntary pushing.  I told her "I'm pushing, I'm pushing".  My feet had fallen asleep so I moved to sitting on my bum, with my arms spread out across the tub.  Looking at the video my husband describes this as my cruciform position.

I don't know how long I was in the position, but I got the okay to push again.  Some more pushing and hello ring of fire.  I kept asking for the play by play...but more like "how long is this going to take???  how much looooonnnger?"  I was getting more pushing advice...every time I felt like it should be it....but it wasn't.

Finally, on video, a really tough push - pain and I ask "push or relax?" Then I choose relax.  I got my final instructions "If I tell you to push, push; If I tell you to stop, I need you to stop, etc".  Aaannndd, PUSH - with EVERYTHING inside of me.  She was delivered underwater at 10pm...all 9lb 7oz, with her hand beside her face.  She was placed on my belly.  

I checked, said "it's a girl!" Then in a breathless wobbly voice I tell her "thank you for coming out".  As she lay on my belly, she looked up at me with the most beautiful of wide awake eyes.  Quiet alertness.  I held her like this as hubs cut the cord.

Hubs held her and I climbed out of the tub and onto the bed.  I only had a small tear that did not need to be repaired.  Then we got a detailed anatomy lesson on my placenta after it was delivered (at my request to see it).

I held her, nursed her and snuggled her skin to skin for a good hour or more before she was taken to be washed and weighed.  That I love about the birth center!  After she was cleaned up, it was my turn.  I showered and got dresssed in clean jammies.  And then we waited.  They like you to stay 4 hours after the birth for monitoring.  Same as with Rosie, we were counting down the hours and minutes until we could leave.  The kind nurse okayed us to leave at 1:45am.

We went through the McDonalds drive through (I am starving after birth) and fortunately they serve egg mcmuffins in the middle of the night.  I ate two.  We made it home and I laid for a few hours before I heard the kids wake up.  Roll camera again.

better than Christmas morning!

I have been contemplating what her blog name should be.  The formula used on our other kids, did not work for her.  I have a family member with a similar name who was always called "Joy" as a nickname.  I mentioned Joy as a possibility and another blogger commented that "God gave you Joy".  If you have read the blog this past year, Joy has been something I have pondered and sought.  Her comment, bringing light to that connection, made the name perfect.  So, for blogsake...baby Joy!  

not yet 1 day old

5 Favorites

Trying something new, and short, to "feed" my blog until I can get a birth story written.  Here we go!

1. This girl!

I can't get enough.  Especially now that she is smiling & "talking" to us.  She is 1 month, 2 days and sheer joy - with a little exhaustion mixed in.  I still have not quite figured out a blog name for her - but leaning towards "Joy".

2. These people:

Much to my surprise they are all awesome with her.  As I type Augie is on paci patrol (to replace when she spits it out).  Catie thinks she is the best baby doll ever.  Rosie is my supreme baby holder when I need 30 minutes. 

3. Best new baby product:

LOVE our Snuggle Nest!!  I am much too lazy to get out of bed, find baby & go to the nursing spot at 3am.  It has taken her a little bit to get used to sleeping in it, rather than next to me, but it makes for a much better night of sleep for me.  Peace of mind is so huge when co-sleeping.

4. Breast feeding

Such a joy - for both of us.  The look of a baby as they come off the breast...like a little drunk sailor.  Heaven.  Also, I think I have decided that this is the phase I like my body & hormones the most.  No PMS, no preggo craziness...I am even Steven mood wise.  Which makes me a better mama.  I  am enjoying all my kiddos.

5. A product every mama should have but pray they never need:

With school comes challenges like lice.  We had gotten a number of notices sent home about checks being done by the school nurse...and advising us to check our kids.  But how do you check if you have never experienced?  Experience will make you an expert quick.  Lice is something no family should have to deal with...especially with a newborn in the house!!

If I could step back 2 months, when the notices started coming home...I would have ordered this product & learned how to conduct thorough checks.  Shampoo, Condition & sit your child down for some meticulous combing.  One section at a time, each section from every angle.  If you see anything the size of a mustard seed, toothpick it out of the comb and use a magnifying glass.  Most likely it is fuzz, or dandruff - but if it is rust colored, translucent or has legs...be ready to battle.  I have learned combing is the best line of defense.  I will probably make this a monthly routine (but especially i will use it every time a notice comes home).

For the record this comb is far superior to anything in a lice removal kit.  Invest in this!

6. Okay...so cheating a bit...I can not wait for All Saints Day!  Highlight of my year & so much better than the evening that precedes it.  If only I could convince my hubby to give up trick or treating.

What was I thinking?

Just for the record I did indeed state that I would be attempting 30 days of Finding Joy in the month of October.  

So while I am stumbling upon Joy in my spiritual & emotional postpartum state...blogging is just not happening.  

I am so overcome with love & awe for this little girl.  I was overcome in Mass last night at the gift of her.  It has brought me to tears, again, at the fact that I missed this with Augie & Catie.  And my husband says "that is a good thing to recognize".  

The natural feminine reaction to birth is powerful beyond words.  An intense INTENSE desire to protect, nurture, provide, defend...love...intense love.  "No matter what" love. 

For my husband, the way our children came into our family is less significant because he has not experienced the same emotional response to birth.  The irony is that It took so much more to get him on board with adoption.  When in the end.... :-). I am grateful for this man who teaches me so much!

So - our children all adore their sister.  Rosie begs to hold her, Augie lights up around her and Catie just loves that she is an actual baby.  

Lots of love happening right now.  That is definitely a good thing!!

She is here!!

Born in the water after keeping her mama waiting!  Beautiful girl!  9/28 @ 10pm - 9lb 7oz - so far more peaceful...and more hungry than her big sister was.  

Overdue

Being on this side of a due date...the overdue side...offers a completely different perspective on the topic.  I heard someone say "library books are due...babies come when they come".

Being on this side of "due" there is lots of scary talk.  How many times have I heard "induction" this week?  Enough.  My midwives are  certainly in support of waiting - but are trying to prep me for everything the hospital staff will be saying (to scare me into induction) come Monday.  Also, if my water were to break without the start of labor...off to the hospital for...induction.

My husband mentioned that he had 9/27 in his calendar as due day.  That reminded me that 9/27 was my initial & LMP due date.  I wish I could have mentally prepared for that, rather than jumping on the 9/23 bandwagon after an early ultrasound.

Perspective is everything here.  

It is tough to check the days & nights off the calendar with no change...how many nights have I hoped?  Well, not going to lie, tonight I am going to bed hoping.

After many failed attempts with natural induction ideas...tonight I am trying something a bit more "aggressive".  Castor Oil.  Blech.  After discussing with two midwives...I am attempting a modified semi-gentle approach.  1 TB in OJ at 3.30 pm this afternoon.  I just downed my second helping a few minutes ago, at 10pm.  The first dose made me mildly sick.  So lovely that I should try again.

So, off to bed am I.  Hopefully a baby announcement will come before 10/7 (official induction date).  Thanks for the prayers!

due

Sep 23, 2013

The date I am due.  40 weeks of gestation, according to early ultrasound dating.  But early ultrasounds can be 5 days off.  If I had been charting...like a good practitioner...

So any how.  Some light contractions but no baby.

So...instead, happy feast of St Pio of Pietrelcina. I had the opportunity to visit his shrine with the family Saturday.

venerating the relic of his glove

He has been an intercessor in my life the last year +.  He has been my tough love in my journey.  If you are in need of some tough love...I highly encourage praying for his intercession. 

St Pio of Pietrelcina, pray for us!

7 Quick Takes- pondering joy (and publishing early)

Dedicating these takes to the topic of Joy.  I blogged about lost joy recently and had some fantastic comments and insights.

1. It is super interesting to hear different perspectives on the topic.  For me the height of (what I call) my joy, in my my perhaps juvenile understanding, was the end of high school & college, when I fell in love with Christ and the Catholic Church.  Steubenville retreats, college retreats...I even gave up dating during this period to focus on the Lord.  It was sunshine & flowers.

2.  Falling in love with my spouse was also pretty fantastic.  I know there is a difference between happiness & joy.  I don't think happiness adequately describes falling in love.

Of course the feeling of love is very different than actual love.  On our first date my husband went into a dissertation on this followed by the comment "I choose to love you." Yes, he said that on our first date.  Kat's wise comment was that "maybe joy, like love, matures and does not look the same as it once did."  I think there is something to that.

Mrs. Mike continued with "It was explained to me that happiness is a fleeting emotion but the Christian virtue of joy gives us the ability to smile through our tears when that happy state ceases. It's what sets Christians apart from the rest of the world. But it requires a repeated and conscious choice of the heart. Even for the more sanguine type, it takes years to develop the habit of living a joyful life."  

3. After college and falling in love...came marriage.

We were so excited to start our family that pretty soon after marriage came the realization of infertility.  I have had challenging periods in my childhood...but infertility was the first time I really suffered as an adult. That suffering did something to my joy.  After years of crying out to God and wondering if He heard me, my faith, my trust...my joy was tarnished. 

4.  The day my daughter was born was ah-mazing.  Answered prayers.  Being a participant in a miracle.  Knowing those tears were not for nothing.  

5.  And then...blessed parenthood.  With secondary infertility we became foster parents and two more quickly followed.  

So so so so so blessed that this was God's amazing plan for my life.  Looking back could I have imagined??  No!  But, it was a bit like being thrown into boiling water.  Suddenly everyone thought I was super fertile.  It was a drastic change from the first five years of married life.  And the reality of what it took to pull it off...enter the second phase of suffering.  Suffering sounds like such a selfish word to use here.  I think my children were the ones who started to suffer.  As the tidal wave of parenthood roared over my head...I became a mom far far from what I ever hoped I would be.  Enter favorite meme (adjusted as you see fit): 

6. The last year has been time to put on my big girl pants and really try to figure this out.  How do I reclaim joy?  Well...I have a feeling it has something to do with relearning the true meaning of joy.  Joy is not a feeling, it is a choice.   I was pleased to link back to one of Jennifer Fulwiler's blogs yesterday and find her thoughts on the topic.  "Joy is something different than happiness, and it’s a whole lot different than surface-level pleasure or physical comfort. It’s something divine in origin, not subject to the ups and downs of human emotions, a kind of ecstatic contentment and explosive peace that can only come from contact with the Source of all life and love himself."  It is crazy intriguing that she is finding her joy in the midst of family life.  

7.  I SO enjoyed 31 days of blogging last October.  I may be partially insane to imagine that I can pull it off again...but my heart is being pulled (obviously) to the topic of Reclaiming or Rediscovering Joy.  

Jennifer also said "the more intimately we know Christ, the more joy we’ll have…but Christ is the very embodiment of self-sacrifice, of pouring out oneself for the sake of others."  I hope to recognize this joy in my life.  Lord, help me learn to suffer well...so that I may be a light, rather than an extinguisher of light.