Caring for another's child

Tonight, as I was putting my sweet girl to bed I looked at her and said "YOU came from me. I can't believe you came from me." She told me, as she understands, she came from my belly, but her brother came from another mamma's belly.

Yes, my love. You are so smart!

I adore our foster son. He has a smile and a laugh that can brighten the darkest day. He has such a special place in our lives, in our home. Yet, for now, he remains the child of another. In the hard times, this is most difficult. I fear I give less when it gets tough. Then I have to remember, every mother with a number 1 probably gives less to number 2 - simply because number 1 still needs.

Am I attached? I don't know. I think God has given me a special grace to love and care for this sweet boy - without complete attachment. I fear not having that complete attachment...but if it is meant to be, it will come, I am sure.

We had a foster appreciation banquet tonight. I had another mom that is not in a position to adopt tell me how lucky I am that we can do that. She is facing giving up the infant they have raised for 6 months. Lucky. My hands are full when I leave the house (even on the third time out the door). My daughter has a "brudder", whom she adores. My husband has a son. I have a son. For how long? Will I be "lucky" a year from now? I can only dream that God has led us right here for this reason. That one day I will explain to our child, you came from another mamma's womb, but you have been in my heart forever.

Hope Renewed

So...I might as well just catch up on all my blogging...right? :)

The Hope Retreat was this past Saturday. It got close to not happening as our numbers were lower than we planned. However, God intended this retreat to happen. There was 17 of us, including our speaker who claimed she was attending the retreat too.

As the retreat host, I felt the time crunch through the day and the pressure to keep things moving. Despite this, I managed to experience some very good moments. Christine Wittman, our first keynote, a Catholic therapist did a beautiful job of challenging us to dispel the myths of infertility. Things like "you are alone in your struggle", "this is your fault", "God doesn't love you". Christine lead us through the process of rewriting these to truth and redirecting to positive thoughts.

Paul and I were a part of the panel and shared our story from infertility surgeries to the adoption process, to conception, to secondary IF & surgery to fostering. We were joined with another couple that dealt with combined fertility issues (male & female) for 6 years before concieving (my retreat co-host and her husband).

After lunch we had time with Jesus in adoration and confession. Paul jumped when I asked him to play guitar at the last second and did an amazing job of providing soft reflection music.

Christine then led a group segment. Our chairs were in a circle and the empty chair among us became "Infertility." We all had a chance to say what we needed to say to "Infertility." My favorite moment of the day happened when the man next to me said forcefully "Infertility...you owe me a LOT of money." We all cracked up. Humor is good. The most rewarding part of this segment for me was when Christine asked the group what they were feeling at that moment. Several said peace, someone said they were ready to move forward and someone else said they felt hope. Praise God!! I had tears hearing the responses.

Late afternoon, Neal Lozano arrived. He is an amazing, anointed man! Neal is the founder of Heart of The Father Ministries. If you have never head of his book UNBOUND: A Practical Guide to Deliverance from Evil Spirits, I highly recommend it. Neal led us through an exercise (practice prayer) in forgiveness and deliverance. In the course of the keynote he said something very powerful...he said "God want's you to conceive." He then brought up Genesis "be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it." This was so freeing to hear. God want's me to conceive?? So often we think our way out of that and work around it with the dance of "this must not be God's will." It was so powerful to hear a man of authority pray with that authority for us and over us. So, he did pray over many of the couples. Paul and I were honored to lay hands in prayer with him and I was blown away by how in tune Neal is with the Holy Spirit. Without knowing these couples, he spoke words straight from God to so many of us.

The retreat concluded with Mass led by my brother in law. He did an awesome job preaching about how God often takes us beyond our comfort zone to bless us.

SO, I was honored and amazed to be used as a tool by God for this retreat.

God, bless all couples that struggle deeply with infertility. Allow them to receive & know your abundant blessing and love. Touch them, heal them...bless them with children. St Gianna, pray for us. St Gerard, pray for us.

On Fostering

It has been almost two months since we began fostering. If you ask me now my response is "what a gift!" We love this little boy. We love being mamma and papa and H proudly declares every day "I'm a BIG sister." God has given us the gift and responsibility to care for this precious little boy. His smiles and sweet talk are all that we need to know he is where he needs to be right now.

I have decided that it is to my advantage to be the one to drop him off for his weekly parent visits. Seeing them and their interactions is a tremendous help in keeping perspective on my role as foster parent. "The goal of fostering is reunification, the goal of fostering is reunification, the goal of fostering is reunification..."

At the same time I have his social worker keeping me posted about the status of things. It is pretty much the same report "his parents have a long way to go." From where we stand now we are looking at 8 months before the county would start discussion on termination of rights. This is actually shorter than our original time line of 15 months after placement. The social workers keep things in check for me. They are like the translators. I say "I heard blah blah blah" and they translate back "the reality is blah blah blah."

The reality is he will be here for a good bit of his first year. Two months in...I think I could send him home and know I did a good thing. Ask me the same question in 8 months....I don't know.

I have also met so many foster families who have grown their families though fostering. The county allows up to 6 children in a home at one time and so many foster families are "generous with children." Big hearts equal big families in the foster world. I met a woman in the elevator the other day with a 15 month old whom she is adopting and a BRAND newborn that was just placed with them. Another foster mom I see regularly is in the process of adopting her fourth.

From the financial side...this is amazing. I always always struggled with the question "why do I have to have 10, 20, 30K in the bank to become a parent?" When we talked about growing our family, we were committed to not incurring debt in the process. And...miraculously, we managed to become debt free not long after H was born. When the question is "why do I have to have so much $$$ in the bank to become a parent" - the answer is FOSTER! We receive a stipend for mileage for visits & doctor appointments, a daily stipend, clothing stipend (at placement). He is on medical assistance (state health care) and receives WIC to cover the cost of formula.

Fostering IS difficult. But it IS rewarding. I foresee us being foster parents for a while and pray this is the way God will allow us to grow the family we have always longed for.

For now, this is a complete blessing in our lives. I have a smiling baby in the swing next to me so excited to be awake at 9:30pm. Watching him grow, giving him kisses and snuggles, watching my daughter read him books and teach him to pray...we are blessed to be parents to this sweet sweet baby.

Sweet Sweet Baby

I fell in love with the song "Sweet Sweet Baby" by Michelle Featherstone when I first heard it while viewing pictures of a friend's new baby. I love the lyrics. I had a generic copy but that disappeared from youtube...so here is someone else's adoption story so you can hear the song, lol. On that, more reflections of fostering to follow soon. For now, I took a few pictures for SBR's baby book. Sharing two of my favorites.

and the blog is the last to know

Sorry for the delay in updating...we have been busy!! We picked Baby up Monday afternoon. Much getting to know each other has been happening...it will take us all a bit to get settled and get to know each other. He is a sweet boy and in the rare times of awake, he loves to smile and coo. Figuring out formula feeding is a bit of work and I took him to a meeting at the gym to get a weight. We also measured him. 95% for weight. 5% for height. Little legs but strong guy.

For the most part we are immersed in the roles of caregivers...but when we can reflect - we are just grateful God choose us to be involved with his life. We hope that we will all be better off for it!

Monday...2:30pm

Darn Snow! We will spend the weekend preparing our hearts and home (and daughter) for this wonderful gift!

I am so grateful for your prayers and kind words. I feel like we are on the brink of another great big roller coaster. I am nervous and excited and ready to take a risk on love.

Baby Boy

Sweet Baby R. Our first foster care placement. A 2 month old little one. Details to follow after placement. He should be coming to our home within the next couple days (pending another snowstorm). Pray it holds off and we can get him tomorrow!!

Week 5

So I am belated in updating, but week 5 is off the list. This was about grief and the related stages (what you may see in a child or what you may go through after sending one home) and creating Lifebooks (a requirement and a very good thing). It was a pretty simple class - so not too much to discuss in a quick update.

CPR certification - I was there, with the instructor and another lady and no one came to open the facilities - so that is set back as well (bump #2).

All our certifications are here, so I hope to send those in this week. Then we have class #4 on 3/17 and hopefully CPR cert around the same time and officially we have jumped all the hoops. Hoping the big approval quickly follows!

Week 4 canceled

We are expecting another 12-20" of snow to fall on top of our (melted down to) 12" still on the ground starting tonight. As a result, our class tomorrow night is canceled. Unfortunately, this means we have to wait until "week 4" comes up again in rotation...5 weeks from now. :( I have not yet confirmed with our social worker if our approval will be delayed as a result. I am bummed, but everything is a roller coaster and this is really only our first bump so far.

Training Week 3

Our home visits and home study interviews are done; We are awaiting our clearances to arrive in the mail; Elisabeth is scheduled for the required infant CPR class (Paul will attend as soon as his schedule allows); And we only have two more weeks of training to go.

The classes this week dealt with topics such as aggravated circumstances, search for kinship and the phases of foster care and court hearings.

The aggravated circumstances raised my blood pressure a bit....There was discussion like "if the parent has previously murdered their child, and then has another child, that child may go straight to foster care." It also involved "if the parent(s) are in jail, or have disappeared and left the child with a friend who has no ability to care for that child..." The reflection of the scenarios of from which these children may come is the cold harsh reality of our world.

Our county has established a specific department related to searching for kinship. Much of this discussion revolved around older children who have been in foster care virtually their whole life and then "age out of the system." The county is required to search to what is the equivalent of a 3rd cousin to attempt to find homes for kids. Basically the goals of foster care are 1. reunification, 2. adoption, 3/4/5. various forms of guardianship for the child. If they never find someone to do this and a child "age's out" - most of these teens end up homeless with no where to go, no family, no home for the holidays. :-( Again, harsh reality.

The court part was probably the most light-hearted part of the night. We discussed all the players, explored the court rooms, talked about the phases of hearings and when they happen in the process. From the time a child is taken into custody, the goal is 15 months to decide if reunification is possible. If not, goals shift to adoption until termination (voluntary or involuntary) of rights occur. The good news about this, there is a time line. The bad news, I am sure it is still quite a long wait to see how things play out. This is what we are signing up for...the good the bad and the ugly. Somehow, I am certain there will be some wonderful mixed in with all the pain and tears.

Another week down

Last night was our 2nd training class. The topics discussed were drug use, cultural considerations and first aid. Every week gives us a bit more insight into lives of families outside of our own. We played a men vs women Jeopardy style game to discuss types and effects of drugs. I am grateful to say we have have no experience with this personally...however, the reality is there is a good possibility that we will be caring for a child from a drug abusing family. Not only do we face the affect of drugs or other abuse on the child, but we will likely be interacting (through visits, etc) with birth parents very different from ourselves. Honestly, I think drug abuse seems to be the most "excusable" (for lack of a better way to put it) of the various reasons a child will be pulled from a home. How do you come face to face with birth parents who have physically or sexually abused a child in your care? My only thought is through GRACE.

Also, the further we get into this, the more I realize that race of the child is such a non-issue. I am grateful to have the ability to see beautiful blended families. Yesterday, Hannah and I were able to witness a court adoption hearing. Friends from our babysitting co-op welcomed their second adopted son, who came to them through the foster care system. It was beautiful to watch their joy at becoming family, legally. Although they are Caucasian, their two Hispanic son's fit very naturally into their lives. Images of Haitian children being reunited with Caucasian American adoptive parents also help me to reflect that a child is a child and a parent is a parent. However God see's fit to bring each together is in His way. Our prayer is always that WE not get in the way of His will.

So, our home study is mostly done. There is one more home visit, for the walk through, which will happen next week. We still need to get our background checks submitted. Then, 3 more training classes and hopefully we will be approved and ready. Another week closer. Another prayer of thanksgiving. Another hopeful utterance of "Thy Will Be Done."

Life, Unborn

On the very sad anniversary of Roe V. Wade, I pray for those whose lives have been destroyed by abortion - physically and psychologically.

In Training: Week 1

So here is the update on our first class:

It was a little intimidating getting through security (gate check, license plate noted; then metal detector and bags scanned) to get to the meeting space.

It was an eclectic group of people, we were in the front so I didn't look too much to gauge - but there were a good number of couples.

Then there were three presenters on three topics:
1. Child Abuse - mandatory reporters, what constitutes abuse, signs they exhibit, etc - this makes me SO sad :(
2. Medical/Dental Care - Holy paperwork!! What is required to make an appointment, how many appointments, what forms are required for what visits, what permissions are required and how they are obtained for emergency care, etc
3. Disaster Preparedness - we need to establish a 3 day survival kit - 1/gallon water per person per day, plus a zillion other things...this is Paul's #1 assigned roll in getting us foster care ready.

So, first night good. We saw another couple we have seen at Church. They got started after the same couple inspired us to go with this agency. God, please continue to bless us as we prepare, open our hearts for the child you are intending to live with us and protect them and keep them safe. Amen.

An Infertility Retreat

I am so thrilled that the website is finally up!!

http://www.fertilitycarefriends.org/hoperetreat.html

THIS is the resource page for information on the Infertility Retreat that I have been working on long and hard with a dear friend and practitioner from Harrisburg.

If you are close and interested, feel free to contact me. If you are far and interested, you are welcome!! We need lots of prayer support for a powerful weekend orchestrated by the Holy Spirit. Please join me in praying!

Homestudy Rescheduled

So, the last couple days have been a bit of a slump, as in nothing is going on in our process of moving closer to fostering. I know this will resolve soon and I am sure the next couple of months will be gone in a flash. For now, we are just waiting.

The night before our almost homestudy, Paul and I had a wonderful talk about fostering. What will our lives be like with another child in the house? How will H react? Paul tossed around the ways he can be more present at home (while I assured him how much the 2nd job is needed right now). We are back in that "how do you prepare for the unknown" phase. At least, having had an infant a few short years ago, we are good on the gear and basic necessities.

The monthly financial commitment to fertility medications is starting to become a little much. So we face the prospect of letting go of that journey for a bit. To be honest, I am always quick to volunteer shedding the shots and pills. It is disappointing that the birth of our first child did not miraculously resolve our infertility, as many first births often do. However, we trust in God's greater plan. As of now, the difference from our first adoption attempt, is if we are so blessed to conceive in the process of fostering, we won't be forced to quit the process.

Next week we start training classes. Two weeks from that, we will prepare for the home visit again. I was blessed to speak to someone yesterday who adopted three before miraculously conceiving two. They are a beautiful family and adoption advocates. She lifted my spirits by sharing stories of several friends blessed by the foster to adopt program. My prayer is 6 to 12 months from now I will be looking back at the beginning of the year and seeing how much has changed.

My Beautiful, Wonderful, CRAZY miracle

Here is a video of the most wonderful, crazy child that God could ever give us (so far :)

Our Foster Care Timeline

Tuesday morning we had our initial visit with the social worker - she was wonderful! We scheduled our next appointment (start of home study) for this coming Tuesday. I have been working to complete the application and collect some of the necessary paperwork. We should start our 5 weeks of training Wed, Jan 20th (ending on Ash Wednesday).

I know the training and home study have to be wrapped up before we can receive a placement. I asked our social worker about typically how long before placement. She said it could be that day (she could be finishing home study paperwork for us to receive placement) or it could be a couple weeks or a couple months. We are open to any child younger than H and placement of any race (the latter which could mean an earlier placement).

It is seeming more real and crazy to think of being back in this process. I have started praying for the child that will be coming into our home, where ever they are.

what lies ahead

First, Merry Christmas!! We are so grateful to have Paul's family up from FL and have had a lovely, relaxing visit. I wish all a wonderful Christmas season!

Infertility round 2. I can't say this was unexpected. Yet that fact does not make it easier. We long to grow our family and month after month we face the reality of our infertility. We are fast approaching 6 months past our surgery date. It does not take long for me to grow weary or pills and shots and blood work and consults.

Fortunately, our previous adoption experience has make it significantly easier to fast track back into the process. This time, we are choosing the foster to adopt program. In reality...we are choosing foster care (with the hope of adoption as an end goal). We have submitted our application. Our initial interview is in January and soon thereafter we hope to begin the 5 week course of training.

It is a little scary and a lot of unknown. I am re-entering the blogging world for the same reason I created the blog in the first place...to keep family and friends updated in our hopes to expand our family. Please keep us in your prayers.

Tis the Season for Squash!!

I am having a wonderful fall of dining on local yummy squash (and some from our garden).

Tonight we made Acorn Squash soup, using this recipe. Delicious! A lovely warm soup, almost reminiscent of a light pea soup (but worth trying for pea soup haters), with just a touch of heat - depending on how much cayenne you use.

With the flesh from a fairytale pumpkin I made pumpkin biscotti following this recipe, plus added some pecans. This was my first attempt at biscotti. I made it for a party I was attending that evening. My only wish is that I had more time to allow them to dry to the perfect crunch. But even fresh, still very yummy!

Of course we had several batches of spaghetti squash, buttered with Parmesan cheese, after growing them in our garden.

I tried a few things from a new cookbook, Deceptively Delicious. Baked Egg Puffs with pumpkin (from the can). Someone else already blogged about them. At the same time we had Oatmeal with pumpkin, which fortunately again, someone else has blogged the recipe. Paul preferred the oatmeal...it was a little too pumpkin-y for me. I preferred the egg puffs. Next time I try the egg puffs I will probably use the recommended yellow or butternut squash puree. For the oatmeal, I would try that with sweet potato (the recommended alternative to pumpkin).

AND, my favorite so far in this Squashy Season, Butternut Lentil Soup using this as my base recipe. Unfortunately, I did modify it a bit and have no memory of what I did. But I am sure the original recipe is still very good. :)

Hope this helps at least one person have some....good eats, yuk yuk yuk. And to my buddy Scott, I will never forget your famous butternut squash soup with cheese ravioli (which I have made several times since PFL). One of my first introductions to squash dining.

Seriously? On Obama's Peace Prize award

Alright, here is the thing. I just have to remind myself that the Nobel awards are given by a foundation of worldy people. Obviously our world today has quite a screwed up definition of Peace.

From LifeSite News
In his will, Swedish industrialist and inventor Alfred Nobel said the Peace Prize is meant to be awarded "to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses."

Yet, at the time (of his nomination) the only bridge building Obama had done with other countries is to take tens of millions of taxpayer funds and give them to abortion businesses like Planned Parenthood and Marie Stopes International.

Those groups would use the funds to not only perform abortions but lobby the pro-life governments of nations in places like South America and Africa to overturn their laws.

Mother Theresa has stated "The greatest threat to world peace is abortion." Also, Pope Benedict released a very similar statement on the World Day of Peace in 2006. “Respect for people promotes peace,” the pope said in the statement as he stressed “the duty to respect the dignity of each and every person."

Unfortunately, our world doesn't quite "get" many things. The Peace prize of course was given to Al Gore two years ago for his "work" on Climate Change. Until we correct our screwed up priorities and recognize every conceived human life as sacred and full of every hope for the future, I will likely continue to curse the Nobel foundation.