Answering the Adoption FAQs

 Fellow blogger, Grace in My Heart recently asked the following questions.  As a 2 day new adoptive mama, I am happy to answer! 

Questions for Adoptive Mother's for those Discerning Adoption:
(Please feel free to copy and paste and then leave the post link with your answers!)


1.  How did you know when to begin the adoption process?
I remember struggling with infertility and wondering about this question for so long.  I have heard that most husbands are dragged into the process...and that was pretty true for us.  In 2005 I had my first and second surgeries with Dr Hilgers at the Pope Paul VI Institute.  I had been inquiring to others about their adoption stories for some time.  After our second surgery and several months of not conceiving, I started contacting agencies and getting information packages.  We went to two different information sessions and decided on an agency within a couple months.  It was a one step at a time process and we know God used each step very deliberately to prepare us for our future.  

(for those new to our story, you can see our timeline on the side bar or check out the about us tab)

2.  Did you ever feel like you failed at TTC (and were giving up "trying") so that's why you adopted?  What suggestions do you have for those working through these emotions?
I would not say we felt we failed TTC; more that adoption was something new to hope in.  It was a tremendous relief for me to give up the large amounts of medication, the charting, the timing...the overall stress of TTC. 

3.  Were you and your husband on the same page about adoption?  What suggestions do you have for a spouse who may not be as excited as the other about adoption?
In my experience, husbands have a more difficult time with the idea of giving up on TTC.  My suggestion, one step at a time.  Each step provided us with such an important opportunity to discuss our feelings and emotions over the adoption process.  It was difficult to get my husband to look at the agencies and the paperwork, but I insisted he did.  He came to the meetings with me and we had so many difficult conversations following these sessions.  Those conversations prepped our hearts. 

4.  How did you work through figuring out where to adopt from, how open to be, and what type of communication to have with your child's birthparents?
Conversation after conversation after conversation.  We decided on domestic adoption due to cost.  Our openness grew over time and we learned about the benefits of open adoption from the information sessions we attended.  The concept of open adoption was possibly the toughest issue for my husband.  He still struggles with the idea of "another parent" out there.  I was told, the benefit for the birth parents is they get to know their child is well taken care of (what they truly want).  The benefit for the child (in the case of visitation) is they understand who their parents are and they don't fantasize that life would be better with birth family. 

5.  Adoption can be really expensive.  What recommendations do you have to work through the financial aspect of it all?
I can not say enough how thrilled we are for the GIFT of foster care as an avenue to adoption.  So many people are afraid of this route.  I honestly and truly can not see why people struggle so much with this route.  Pregnancy, International/Domestic Adoption, Fostering.  Yes, they are all different experiences.  They all involve risk.  In any of these circumstances, you can loose a child.  In our experience with fostering, God prepared our hearts and the training process prepared our minds.  The extent of our financial responsibility was providing our background checks (~$150).  Foster care provided us with a budget for clothes, monthly stipend (=huge blessing), WIC paid for formula and food, medical assistance covered all medical expenses, and the county covered all our adoption costs.  Add to that we will continue to receive a stipend, until Augie is 18 and we are eligible for the adoption tax refund.  Honestly, they have paid us to adopt this precious child.  

(side note, during our first adoption process, we were committed to debt free adoption and had raised almost 10K through hard work and gifts)

6.  Do you truly feel like a mother even though you didn't give birth? 
Yes.  Ten thousand times yes.  Perhaps this is where fostering might be a bit different.  With Augie the process of bonding was a balance between bonding and guardedness.  It was a slow and deliberate path towards complete and unconditional love.  In the beginning, it felt as if I was taking care of someone else's child (I was!).  Today, there is not an ounce of difference between my love for Augie and my love for Rosie (who I gave birth to).  AND, adding baby love into the mix....as a foster mama you just become a mama.  When she is in my care, I am mama. 

7.  What prayers and/or books do you recommend for those discerning whether or not to pursue adoption?
Hopefully others' will have more helpful answers.  Personal witness was key for us.  I spoke with many adoptive mamas and then a fantastic foster mom who all helped give me the courage to move forward.  I just got the book "Adoption" by Ray Guarendi, but I haven't even opened it yet.  We were also just gifted with "God Found us You" which is a melt your heart tear-jerker you will want to share with your child one day. 

8.  What has been the best part about being an adoptive mother?
Wow.  Not sure how to answer this yet.  I am such a new one!  I am in awe of the process.  I am in awe of just how much a gift our son is to our lives.  I am still shaking at the thought of sitting in the witness box attempting to tell the judge (through my tears) why I wanted to adopt this child.  I guess, in a nutshell, just being able to see God's plan unfolding around me.  Through all the painful years of infertility, I was in the dark.  Receiving the GIFT of a child is seeing my tears and prayers finally being answered.